Silence

I woke up.

Feeling sick and disappointed as I failed once again.

As usual I hear my mom calling for me from the kitchen, my dog barking, my brother shouting at his phone because of a dumb game and the neighbours greeting each other. It was a normal day for everyone, so why wasn’t it for me? Maybe because I wasn’t “normal”? How do you live normally? 

People say I have everything, a whole family, a good school, great friends, nice grades, what more could I ever ask for? I must be greedy and ungrateful. Seeing all the evil in this world and not even giving a chance to the positive side. But how do you see the positive side when there’s none?

I go down to have breakfast, they see a happy and healthy daughter. What I see is way different, I see a girl trying to keep it together, I see a hurt, sad, lonely, lazy, and an unproductive girl. “What reason do you have to be depressed? You’re just exaggerating.” Right, what reason do I have? Maybe I’m tired of being there for everyone, I became everyone’s shoulder to lean on that I started to forget myself and I did. I forgot. 

At school there are hundreds of students who seem fine, of course, no one would want to show their vulnerable side to strangers. I wait in line at the gate where the guard is checking our ID’s, I noticed the girl in front of me is wearing a rather thick jacket when it’s obviously too hot. I observe because of the lack of entertainment and immediately, I glanced at her wrists. Maybe she’s like me? Unable and afraid to voice out her thoughts so you find a way for it to leak out. Then there it was, red stains on her sleeves. 

It has come to me that people with thoughts like mine are scared or uncomfortable of speaking up. Afraid to be judged, mostly. These feelings and thoughts will not just go away after one, “it’s okay.” because let’s face it, it’s not. It is not okay and I’m not okay. Many of us are not fine and yet people ignore it. People ignore those who cry for help, people judge those who have demons in their head, people leave when they find out that we have a monster under our bed and at the end? it’s our fault. I don’t get why they’ll mourn when it’s already too late, but not extend a helping hand when you’re still alive and breathing. 

So I go home, finally done with fake smiles and laughter for today. Lock myself up in my room and draw to stop the demons in my head.

More. Maybe just one more line, a little darker than the previous one. 

I clean up, lay down, close my eyes and drown my feelings in silence.