5-19-22

I have remarkably little reason to exist. I don't talk to my family much. In fact, I pretty much avoid talking to my mom and my brother. I offer very little value to the company I work for, and I'm not dedicated to my work in the slightest. I have no productive hobbies, and most of my free time is spent laying around. I don't ever try to better myself, and I have near zero confidence and willpower. I barely have friends and I'm terrified of trying find more. I'm a terribly wasteful and consumptive person.

I'd really like to just disappear. Just pop out of existence. Make it as if I was never here.

It'd be real nice to close my eyes and stop existing. Never worry about anything again. Never have anyone else worry about me again. Just the blissful peace of the void.

But instead I live a life I'm not proud of, with next to nothing to keep me going. I wake up, I go to work, I go home, I sleep, rinse, and repeat. I don't like my life, and yet I can't bring myself to change anything. I feel like this is all I deserve.

2-3-22

Today, I'd like to put down my thoughts on the terrifying ordeal of being known. Those aren't my words, and I can't remember whose, but they are words that hit hard and ring true. Nearly everyone has a reason to hide their true self, and everyone has a personal and terrifying reason for it. The ones who don't, the ones who can share themselves openly with the world, I consider truly blessed.

Personally, I'm afraid of being known because I consider myself a terrible person, and I believe that people would reject and abandon me, and I know that it would break me. I can say it here, because I know my feelings aren't unique, and at least currently, no link can be made between this online presence and my actual person. Nobody here knows me, they know an entity online, that may or may not be me. I could be anyone. The blessing of anonymity.

It's my birthday soon, and I was terrified of the prospect of telling my parents, mostly my mom, that I don't want to celebrate it.

I hate my birthday. It's an agonizing reminder that I've done nothing noteworthy in the past year, that I'm wasting my time on this earth, and my complete lack of self worth just makes it depressing.

I don't like receiving gifts. I constantly think "I've done nothing to deserve this", and I can never truly appreciate the kindness of others because I'm blinded by my self imposed misery.

I don't like getting a lot of attention. The more people giving me attention, the closer someone may get to discovering the awful things about myself that I try to hide, which, as is the point I'm trying to make, is absolutely terrifying.

I didn't want to tell my mom, because I didn't want to have to explain these things to her. I don't want her to know the real me, because the real me is barely a shadow of her mental image of what I am. If she knew the real me, I don't think she could love me anymore.

I know that's an incredibly stupid thing to think. What kind of mother wouldn't love their child? But it happens. Parents reject their children, and drive them out, for all kinds of reasons. Even at 27, that thought terrifies me. Probably because I'm still, emotionally, a child.

The truly unfortunate part is that I can't bring myself to see her. Even with the facade I've built up, I've been avoiding her for a month. I'm going to see her tomorrow, and I'm scared. I'm going over to my parents house to help my dad fix some things around the house, but I know she's going to ask the same questions she always asks. The questions that terrify me. How are you doing? How's work? And my least favorite: anything interesting happening in your life?

There never is, mom. I'm the same as always. Depressed. Anxious. Feeling incompetent at work. Thinking my friends don't actually like me. Never having energy to do basic tasks. Decaying in my room because I don't think I deserve anything better than worst life has to offer. Really struggling to think I'm anything but a failure. A waste of space. A mistake that shouldn't have been born. A disgrace of a human being, unfit to be alive.

But I'll just say I'm doing fine. Work is good. Nothing interesting, but I like it that way.

What would she think if I had the courage to tell her the truth? What would any of my family think? Would my friends try to help me?

I don't know, and I'm terrified of the answers.

1-3-22

It's 2 am and I meant to do this yesterday. There are a lot of things I want to talk about here eventually.

For now, I'll say I'm probably a lolicon and I hate that part of me. I've never looked at or even tried to find any actual child porn, but I watch a lot of loli hentai. I don't find young children attractive. I'm not a complete monster, but I have had thoughts about girls I believe to be as young as 15.

I have never acted on these thoughts, and god help me if I ever do. I will not become a pedophile.

But even the legal aged women I'm attracted to tend to be very petite. That's not to say it's the only thing I'm attracted to, but it is a pattern.

The thing I'm most ashamed of currently is that I have a 19 year old coworker, and I can't stop myself from having sexual thoughts about her. I don't want to give a lot of details about her, for both of our anonymity, but she's a little over 8 years younger than me, and more than a foot shorter.

The thing I hate the most isn't just that I'm attracted to her, but the fact that I entertain the idea so easily. I do actually like her, not just sexually, but as a person also, and I've thought several times about how long it would be before it's socially acceptable for me to ask her out, but on the other hand, I've also had many thoughts about things I want to do to her.

To anyone who may be reading this and has concerns: You're very justified in them, but I don't plan to do anything. I want to reiterate that I'm not a complete monster. I know she's too young, and I fully understand that actions have consequences. I just want to voice the thoughts I have, and the many reasons I dislike myself.

1-1-22

First post here, so I'll start off strong. I'm currently 27. I hate myself. I have zero confidence. I'm definitely addicted to hentai. I have extreme trust issues. I have a hard time believing any woman could ever find me attractive. I don't think I'm horribly ugly, but I don't have any appeal. In my eyes, I have zero good qualities. I'm not entirely repulsive, just nothing more than average. Worse looking men than me have found love, but I don't think I ever will. Being the lazy, irresponsible fuck that I am doesn't help. I've had girlfriends in the past. I hope they're doing well. I think it's been 8 years since the last one. I have not asked anyone out since. My fear of rejection is immense, and I'm pretty sure I'd ruin any relationship I got in to. I'm forgetful and the type of person that doesn't appreciate what they have until it's gone.