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day 1
hi,
my name is m and i thought i recovered from an ed a while ago, but i’ve gained some weight back and i now realize it was never truly gone. this is my journey of what i hope is me going back to losing weight. this started on 15/12/2022 because 4 people commented on my weight in one day. the first one was l who said since im skinny i need to date a skinny guy. the second one was a who said my stomach was popping out of my pants. the third one was mr who said that these thing don’t really matter after i told him about how my pants got tighter. and the fourth was my mom.
she said my stomach was popping out of my pants, not like how it was in morning, when she commented on my acne. i always said that out of all my close family, she was the only one who didn’t notice i had an ed back then, i realize now that this isn’t true, it was just a coping method because i always knew she knew, but deep down she was proud, she tried to hide it and ask me to eat every few days, but it always showed when she’d brag to her friends and our family about how much weight i’d lost in such little time.
the previous journey started after my appendix surgery, to be honest i was trying to lose weight before but it was in a healthy slow way, after my surgery the nurse out glucose and i kept screaming to my mom to tell her to take it out because it would make me fat. this was because my brother had apendicitis before me, and when he did he lost alot of weight in so little time, it felt like it was my chance to lose weight in a quick way, wether it was healthy or not. however it just so happened that because my brother had it before me my mother knew the symptoms right away, so we went to the hospital right away, i didn’t have time to stay in pain for three days, to be in so much pain that i couldn’t eat, i wouldn’t want to. it just so happened that when we went to the dr they told us we were lucky to have noticed it so early. it just so happend that i had a great dr who did my surgery in such a quick and easy way that i didn’t even feel like i was sick. this caused me to not lose weight like i hoped, it caused me to gain a kilo. after i got discharged i started eating boiled chicken and other food for sick people.
and i looked better, the food i ate made it so the fat didnt go to the bad places, but i didn’t know that then. i told my mom maybe it was the appendicitis that made me so fat, she thought the same, but when we told me dad he said it wasn’t true, that it was probably because i started eating better and that made my body look better. i was still fat. i realized how sad i was because i didn’t lose weight, i kept thinking about how much i wanted my surgery to be as painful as my brother’s. i realized that i wanted to lose weight even if it meant sacrificing my health.
i couldn’t get myself to eat healthy because i couldn’t cook and my mom made unhealthy things. my mom only cooks lunch, breakfast and dinner were each person’s responsibility. i realized i might not have control on my lunch but i did in the other meals. i thought about making a healthy breakfast, and for a while i did. i ate 2 tangerines every morning, and if i was hungry i just ate more until my the acid hurt my stomach so much i couldn’t eat anymore. it didn’t matter, a tangerine was only 47 calories. when it came to lunch i couldn’t skip it at first, but i learned pretty quickly to skip dinner. someone told me once to not eat 4 hours before i sleep, and my mom always made lunch late so i wouldn’t have time for dinner anyways. after i got used to skipping dinner, it was easy skipping breakfast. i only ate lunch.
at first i had a 5 finger rule, i could only eat 5 things, but one of them can be a meal, for example:
1. strawberries
2. a spoon of nutella
3. a cucumber
4. lunch
5. chips
at the point of time it began to develop into an ed it turned into a 3 finger rule. at the worst it was 1 finger. i didnt eat before my 9 pm graduation so my loose jumpsuit wouldn’t show my stomach. i didnt eat before my 7 pm prom so my poofy dress wouldn’t show my stomach. i didn’t eat during my friends 7 pm prom so that same poofy dress wouldnt show my stomach. i did the same to my 3 pm class graduation photo event. after that i traveled with my friends and one of them’s mom. i told myself i would eat as i want so no one would suspect anything, but i felt horrible guilt throught the trip that i gave up that thought halfway through the second day. i remember my pink floyd tshirt that looked so much better when it became oversized. i remember being so proud that the jeans that only had the smallest size available were something i could fit it. these same jeans being the very reason i begin my journey again today.
finally, i want to mention my friend h’s mom. when i was visiting my friends at their graduation she was there. she told me that id lost so much weight from the last time shed seen me, which was well before my journey. i said that i looked better like that. right? she said
i love you then and i love you now
and i cried that night, it felt so beautiful to have this person that i once saw as a mother figure either care so much about my feelings she said the perfect words, or truly love me for more than what i looked like. which was more than my own mother ever did. i can’t blame her though, she only raises me how she was raised, the difference is i got sick and she didn’t.
you’re welcome and sorry, mom.
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not to be rude but i wanna be special to someone
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𝗝𝗶𝘀𝘂𝗻𝗴’𝘀 𝗢𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝗠𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝗽𝘁.𝟭 (𝗼𝗰𝘁.𝟭-𝟭𝟱)
𝗡𝗢𝗧𝗘:𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙨𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞 𝙧𝙚𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜𝙜𝙚𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙤𝙘𝙩𝙤𝙗𝙚𝙧. 𝙄𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣𝙩 𝙣𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙨𝙨𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙡𝙮 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙤𝙧 𝙖 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙖𝙣 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙧 𝙙𝙞𝙙.
Pls tell me if i linked the wrong fic or if there’s smth wrong w/ the masterlist
Tᴀɢ: hansz.oct21
Gᴜɪᴅᴇ: ☘︎︎- sᴍᴜᴛ | ☁︎︎- ғʟᴜғғ | ☕︎︎- 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘀𝘁 | ⚠︎︎- sᴇɴsɪᴛɪᴠᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ
𝗗𝗮𝘆 𝟭
❥ mine by @skzsmutville - ☘︎︎
𝗗𝗮𝘆 𝟮
❥ mutual masturbation by @sir3racha - ☘︎︎
❥ yandere!jisung by @hanjisick - ☘︎︎ ⚠︎︎
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❥ a kiss hello by @rosieecheeks - ☁︎︎
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❥ 01 by @binniesthighs - ☘︎︎
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❥ choking + han by @authorb - ☘︎︎
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❥ satiate by @silverlightqueen -☘︎︎ ☁︎︎
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❥ hands free by @kpoptrashlord-007 - ☘︎︎
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❥ a confession a day by @hyunswt - ☁︎︎
𝗗𝗮𝘆 𝟭𝟬
❥ late night bite by @fizzydrink698 - ☘︎︎
❥ day 9 by @jl-micasea-fics - ☘︎︎
❥ nsfw by @straykids-asks - ☘︎︎
❥ from summer to winter by @moon-lixie - ☕︎︎ ☁︎︎ (ft. minho)
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❥ always by @kpop-in-new-albion - ☁︎︎
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❥ drive by @seospicy - ☘︎︎
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❥ babysitter by @peachychxn - ☘︎︎
❥ ketchup by @neo-shitty - ☁︎︎
❥ 1:07pm by @straykits - ☕︎︎
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❥ haunted hayride by @kpop-in-new-albion - ☁︎︎
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❥ pegging by @jl-micasea-fics - ☘︎︎
❥ 7:03 pm by @3raaaachachacha - ☘︎︎
follow for part2!
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me: *fasts for days*
*excessively works out*
*gets dizzy/lightheaded*
*is exhausted in the middle of the day*
*cries when food is offered*
everyone I know : doing great girly😊💖💕✨keep it up🤪 🤪
me:
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my rules:
- 2 meals max (have to cuz medicine)
-if anyone mentions anything about my weight good or bad no eating for the rest of the day no matter what
- no eating before bed
- always pick small plate
-don’t make food unless someone else wants
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