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Mirrorball (AURúben x Plus-sizeReader)

Summary: She lived surrounded by fake and pretentious people, hiding who she was and what she had done. She shined for others while they consumed her different versions. Lying to survive, she met her roommate, one that exposed the real her. But the tension of their judgment went deeper, insecurities blinded their genuine connection, ultimately forcing the unwanted version of love to come back into their lives.

Word Count: 19K

Prompt: “This will be the last time you lie to me, you have to open up.”

Warnings: Fluff and Angst— Insecurities such as body image issues as well as anxiety, unhealthy relationships with food... *This is just for fun and for creative purposes. This is an AU many names will be changed and personalities will be interpreted differently.

General Warning: Most names will be fictional- Everything is fiction; the characters actions do not reflect who they are in real life.

a/n: I love Mirrorball by TS so it’s heavily influenced by it, but Folklore is the album that I listened to while writing this story, so enjoy amores. Nat 🪩

**A lovely anon privately requested for a plus size reader, I try to keep physical characteristics minimal and I’ll do so in this story as well with a few other details added. I won’t mention that she’s plus sized but you’ll know if that makes sense. I had to be very careful and make the reader’s experience as realistic and relevant to our society as possible. I also don’t want to be offensive or bring any negative energy into my blog. But I also think body inclusivity is really important (it took me hours to search on Pinterest for the cover pics, so clearly there is a lack of body diversity) and what better way then to bring a confident, powerful reader that is not underestimated, but that also has her bad days like all of us. Please let me know if I missed anything, but just know that I did this with so much love and respect for everyone.

She was always in the shadows, a secret kept and not from desire or protection but for people to avoid embarrassment. At least that’s what she told herself when she was younger. Back when she didn’t believe that she was capable of being loved- when she was sure that she would end up alone.

Through her teen years she was shy and bitter, everyone had boyfriends and girlfriends except her. She used to hide behind pages, either writing or reading the letters that she wrote to herself. Quick reminders that her life had always been emotionally draining- abusing even.

She did have a romantic heart but it was tragic being so mature. She looked older than she was, having unsaid wisdom that failed to reach the ears of her few friends. All that baggage suddenly awakened her, she could free herself by simply not caring, by exposing a world of fakeness in her life.

Before starting uni she became desperate, running around to be liked or even desired. But right when she began to pursue her career she flew even more. She started to socialize with people that had her same interests, they were pretentious but still smart enough to help her thrive and she slowed down- her biggest mistake.

Many had important connections and that’s how she obtained her teaching qualifications to earn her PhD as a higher education lecturer. It sounded privileged but she still had to do thousands of assignments and published pieces, not to mention the amount of side jobs to pay for her education.

Finally she had a job and a decent flat that was too expensive for her liking, but it was close to uni. She had dreams of becoming an author and not for the humanities but for silly things such as romance or even fantasy. Yet she couldn’t indulge in an unforeseen dream, it was unobtainable and very unsuccessful- she had to be realistic.

Until he showed up, someone that saw her for all her quirks and silly dreams. Someone that made her realize that her safe space with those friends brought more problems than peace. Someone that saw more than just her shell, she was beautiful and he had a great time reminding her just how precious she truly was.

Rúben was simply everything she wanted to avoid someone so unreachable, yet she accepted him as her roommate. Why? She could make thousands of excuses: the money, he was dreamy, he was charming, or kind but no, he was a challenging asshole and if there was something that she loved was a good challenge.

She did need the money, her flat was big for just a person, yet she had qualifications that everyone had to meet and everyone so far was too lazy and unreliable, until he walked in. So casual and confident at the same time, two qualities that she wished to possess.

He had a stable income, a flirty bartender and more importantly he was too attractive meaning too unattainable. Not to say that she couldn’t date men like that, because she did and that was a mistake that she wouldn’t make again- she would never be a secret.

But that’s a story for later and trust her it had nothing to do with her image, she radiated beauty it was just his selfish desire to have two women, a married man without her knowing- she wasn’t so smart after all.

So forbidden love was a story that she knew all too well, filled with lies and betrayal. Deception was scary and that’s how everything started with Rúben. Hostile attitudes such as hatred invaded their home and she really thought that he was nice, well he was but he also had to lie.

The moment she opened the door to her home he was in a trance, she was beautiful. A pouty yet curious smile adorned her lips, she did catch his up and down stare, she took it as judgment but he called it admiring.

“I’m Rúben Dias…” a tingle took over his palm, he was lucky to catch her utter her name if not he could be considered rude.

“Nice to meet you Rúben please come in”

“It’s a lovely home” she knew he was lying, it was pretty bare- boring with lack of warmth.

“Thank you, at least you lied”

“I’m sorry what?” A confused chuckle escaped, finally a real person.

“Everyone was blunt that it was too minimalistic”

“I mean I don’t know much about you, but maybe color is overstimulating for you” he only saw some colorful flowers on the coffee table, other than that it was a calm room.

“Wow, very nice and to answer the question I just don’t have time to furnish”

“Ok, we can live with one sofa, a dining table, and of course the tv” she blinked at his confidence.

“Ok, before ‘we’ tell me a bit about yourself”

“I’m a bartender, in the popular place where every student goes to get drunk or the place where the rich organize their parties, especially older people, that’s where I work. I need a place within walking distance. I make decent money and plus tips, but flats are too pricey for one single person-”

“So you provide my students with alcoholic beverages?” He scratched the back of his neck, a winced expression of doubt. “Don’t worry, I’m taking the piss” a nervous laugh escaped because she was so intimidating.

“Yeah sorry, I’m only serving your students Friday and the weekend though… So what do you teach?”

“Classic Literature”

That was the closest to becoming an author, being surrounded by questionable writings but still finding creativity within the field with every paper she had to grade.

“Sophisticated, it doesn’t match your aesthetic of being boring” she took no offense to that because literature meant hints of dark wood and green walls or that’s what she was told.

“I’ve heard, I need books and clutter to surround me, correct?”

“I believe some quirky behavior as well” challenging and teasing eyes, that sultry look that should be avoided.

“Okay Mr. Dior Sauvage, what other questions do you have?” the fragrance of liars, her ex was one of those, but it did seem to raise his eyebrows with a hint of amusement.

“The rent was too good to be true, what else needs to be discussed?”

“Utilities, Wi-Fi, food. Everything else is included with the price I provided.”

“I’ll split Wi-Fi and I follow a strict diet, so I can buy my own food- I meal prep”

“Perfect, food lists can be made. I have lectures very early and you work at night so chores need to be made as well”

“I mean we can take care of cleaning supplies together, but we each clean dishes and our own space, and the common area can be rotated”

“We each have our own washroom so that’s perfect, we basically will be sharing space and nothing else”

“Exactly, but I’m cleared?” He was confused because they were setting boundaries but he still didn’t know if he could be her roommate.

“Yes, just because rent is coming up, we have a gym here as well which is pretty cool, oh! and free coffee”

“I’m sold, canceling the gym membership” she laughed softly, she was quite stoic he realized and his fidgety hands were not making him seem mature like her.

“You can bring people over, it’s your home as well, just please keep them out of my room and just let me know. My phone number is on this paper, text me when you leave and let me know when you’re officially moving in”

“I’ll be respectful, I promise, thank you so much you’re a lifesaver”

“Don’t make me regret anything Rúben”

“I’ll be a great roommate, you won’t even know I’m here” and well of course he was a liar and the worst part was that she believed him.

—————

She was in her thirties, and she couldn’t possibly be dealing with an immature man, but that’s exactly what he was. He had a few knobheads as friends and a few one night stands, all pretty different- he was quite inclusive with everyone she realized. Yet she still wasn’t worried about his slight disturbances.

She didn’t know him at all, his music was very Portuguese because apparently that’s where he was from. He liked very healthy and unseasoned foods and there was no alcohol, so he was a bit disciplined.

His friends were funny and a bit too charismatic. She was forced to smile because she promised herself that she would never associate with people that take their life so lightly. She was so judgy and she couldn’t help but blame her friends, they made her into an acceptable robot.

Chaos surrounded him, while he almost cried in disdain with the type of gatherings she had. Scrunched nose from the nasty and expensive red wine that she drank with her friends, discussing too many confusing topics for him- everyone was so above him.

Educated and polite, faking their manners. They were discreet with their tiny nose poking out with disgust at his sight. However he made sure to dig at their horrible takes, it’s funny how no one noticed her own disgust at their lack of social awareness.

“They are too perfect” was said with a hushed voice that only she heard.

“That’s a good thing Rúben”

“Well I consider Bernardo perfect and he never talks about poverty with a savior complex”

“They are rich Rúben they don’t understand”

“And you hate it correct, everything they say or do you agree?” He couldn’t be with a horrible roommate, his morals could not allow it.

“Gosh no, I just owe them a lot, and I can’t seem to escape them”

“Don’t let them take away your humanity with their organic wine ok” he walked away taking a piece of nasty fancy cheese with him. Rancid just like her friends whose eyes were following him to his exit.

She promised herself that she wouldn’t be impulsive, she would be reasonable. No optimism because that gets taken away, but her heart did desire just as much as her mind searched for control- she was stuck.

When he came back her friends were gone, on the sofa laid a colorful girl. Bright yellow pajamas with little suns everyone. Stepping away from the neutrals she got to dream in color. Less polished and more interesting- more real.

She didn’t know who to be and who to follow. She wanted to avoid the “what will people think” but she loved to live up to their expectations, she just wanted to fit in; she realized that she had the same problems as her teen self.

“Hey, did you mean to fall asleep here?” He gently poked her arm and then her cheek.

“Sorry-” she paused to yawn “-how was work?”

“Pretty good, there was a birthday boy, so a lot of careless money was spent”

“It was busy then?”

“Yes very, did they leave you exhausted?” With the mention of her friends she sighed, because after all she did receive his sympathy.

“They were even more inflated than last time”

“Why do you deal with them?” That was a question that she could answer.

“When I started my Postgraduate career they were able to help me find internships, which helped me write my academic thesis. I know that I don’t necessarily owe them, but it feels like I do”

“Well that was kind of them”

“Tiff is the only one that’s compassionate and her boyfriend just doesn’t understand us as much, so they are bearable. The other ones didn’t really help me much, except taking me to a lot of unnecessary events and trips that were funded by their parents.”

“But again, they invited you. You don’t have to pay back for something that you didn’t want, keeping a friendship purely out of interest is very shallow”

“I don’t use them, I just got used to their presence. I am tired of excusing their behavior though” she now had the means to support herself and she could walk away, but they were a part of her exhausting life.

“I’m not saying you use them, they have the means and you simply didn’t. You’re different like you belong in a different setting. You fit the part, neutral and educated, but deep down your morals are very different. Never be something you’re not”

“I’m trying to leave them behind, trust me, I only see them every two weeks” yet they always came back, maybe because she really was their charity case.

“Well you work and they don’t, you have a life that you worked for, yes you received help from them but who do you think gave me the job as a bartender? Bernardo, because it would be almost impossible finding a job without connections. So stop trying to please them and focus on your sanity”

“And yet I still can’t make it alone, I need a roommate”

“Then let’s be less lonely together because I need you” with an abrupt clear of his throat he bid her good night.

He was nice and mean in the span of a few hours, the next morning he was back to arguing with her about their rubbish.

“Did you discard that moldy cheese into the bin? It’s so stinky in here”

“Well I’m sorry, but I had to throw it away”

“But why on my day?”

“ I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Rúben? Why are you so stressed?”

“I have someone coming over and I want our place to be clean”

“It is clean, worry about your room”

“You’re unbelievable” she feared the possibility that any day she would see one of her students or coworkers coming out of his room, that would be so awkward, but in reality all of his dates were older and mature. She would often share coffee with them in the morning, discussing their careers and other superficial details.

They were in their late twenties to early thirties and she remembered that she was in their position a few years back. Running away from his home to not be discovered, at least she made them comfortable and not shame them for just having fun.

“Are you bringing Annie back she was a sweetheart”

“No, Annie doesn’t live here, she’s from London” his face beamed with amusement and amazement at her lack of judgment.

“That’s a shame she was fun, they are lovely”

“Thanks I suppose, her name is Nadia. I’ve liked her for a long time…”

She never considered him to have bad taste in women but Nadia was the exception. She was pretty but she could be considered the cheese that she threw away. She was bitter and rancid; the moment she stepped out with Rúben right behind her, she looked her up and down with judgment, she didn’t consider her a threat which was understandable.

She felt her stare, usually she didn’t care or let it affect her. But her comments were seriously out of line, was calling her a mother really offensive? It was to someone that didn’t desire having kids.

“Do you happen to have kids?”

“No, why?”

“You have this motherly look”

“You mean my curves?” Nadia gasped, clearly feeling called out. She had to admit that it was a new comment for her, but she knew how to deal with people like her. You make them feel bad and then they blame you for being so heartless. “Oh wait, it's the suit, right? But this is what you wear when you have a PhD” Nadia puckered her lips clearly thinking of what to say next.

“That’s very rude, is what I’m wearing making you uncomfortable?” She was swimming in his shirt.

“You didn’t get the point, but no, considering that it’s his shirt. Just don’t call me a mother again”

“You’re scolding me like one”

“Then I guess you’re right” condescending was her favorite attitude, she wanted to be better than everyone and yes it was a weakness and it made her unlikable but she didn’t care. She wanted to fit in but she always defended herself, no matter what, even if Ruben was killing her with his eyes.

“Make sure to eat breakfast darling, I’ll see you later Rúben” she really wasn’t considering that Rúben would grab her elbow and demand an apology from her.

“Go apologize” he clenched his jaw.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, you had no right talking to her like that”

“I won’t be doing that because I have dignity, Rúben. I don’t think you understand how I feel and that’s ok you’ve never been put in a position where you’ve been deemed not enough, but don’t ever think that i'll apologize for demanding respect…" Maybe she was exaggerating, but her insecurities were rooted deep into her soul, so she roughly got rid of his hold.

“You always think that you’re better than everyone and that’s why you surround yourself with unlikable people, maybe you’re just like them very patronizing and horrid”

“We don’t know each other Rúben and that’s ok, but don’t bring people into my home that will disrespect me”

“It’s my home too, and I will bring whoever I want” a disappointing smile paired with a “Have a good day Rúben” and she walked out.

Unfortunately Nadia kept appearing some mornings, the thin walls kept her very traumatized but at least he wasn’t as nosy. For the most part he was right, why associate yourself with people that will taint your image just by the words they uttered, so she stopped answering to their plans.

She always considered positive change, and keeping those negative people away from her was healing. Yes she still had the pessimistic roommate but he wasn’t as involved as before, barely any interactions occurred and for the first time ever she was at peace.

But life is moved by emotions, if you feel nothing then that causes chaos. It was sad that she still filled her heart with silly desires and feelings, that’s why she would never be dangerous- she simply felt too much. She kept repeating that she didn’t care, but surprise, she did. She never left and she never flew.

—————

Boring was her new personality and it was creeping Rúben out. She always had a scary smile, like it was plastered there just for decoration. She wasn’t using sarcasm to answer him, honestly she wasn’t even speaking to him- he broke her.

At first it was beautiful not hearing her inferior voice, but now he missed their bickering. She was going through it, going as far as buying pink plates for their home.

“What is this!” He was holding their new pet, a small orange kitten.

“I adopted her, so cute right”

“We didn’t discuss this” his eyes were focusing on everything except the crazy girl in front of the stove.

“No but it goes with the crazy aesthetic that your girlfriend gave me. Crazy cat lady, that’s something new that she called me yesterday”

“And you wanted to prove her point? Because this is crazy behavior”

“I’m a changed woman, this kitty will help me have some company”

“You’re dealing with everything got it, don't ask for help at all” but of course he lied-

“Wasn’t going to” he did take the kitty back with him.

She wouldn’t get a pet just to spite him, she actually wanted a cat for so long and she simply found her at the side of the road after work. She made sure to take her to the vet and she was pretty much healthy and ready to have a home.

Rúben loved Tulip, the name that he chose randomly. He loved Tulip so much that he didn’t care that Nadia was allergic to cats, so they moved their dates to her home. Everyone won at the end, all except Rúben and Tulip.

Apparently Nadia couldn’t be surrounded by his clothes filled with cat hair so she broke up with him. He came in all moody, refusing to pet Tulip.

“What happened”

“She broke up with me” she really did snicker at his rejected face. He probably felt so humiliated that someone broke up with him.

“What did you do?”

“Apparently wear clothes infected with cat hair”

“I’m sorry-”

“I hate that stupid cat!” The meow from Tulip did not sound happy at all and that’s how she became the favorite in the span of two months.

Tulip would scratch and hiss at Rúben everyday, his little ows were a reminder that Tulip knew how to hold a grudge, much like her mother. He was jealous that Tulip now relied only on her.

“You have to stop her, I can’t be serving drinks with scratches on my arms and face”

“She’s innocent, you just scared her” he scoffed, having a little staring contest with Tulip.

“You’re a very bad mum, you made our cat learn how to be petty”

“Our cat? you didn’t want her to begin with” he covered tulips ears and that only resulted in a scratch on his hand.

“It’s not my fault she was so cute, make her like me again”

“Look, just apologize- talk to her” and he did but he also talked to her about some of her feelings, and surprisingly it was easy for her to trust him.

“I lost my girlfriend and my cat in the same day”

“That’s your fault for blaming her. Just admit that you were more hurt that Nadia broke up with you first.”

“So what if I was? She was rude to Bernardo and no one is rude to Bernardo except for me and Tulip”

“Look just…”

“She was also mean to you and I can’t help but feel horrible for causing you doubts. You changed completely and I’m sorry for that”

“I accepted to change and go on a different path away from judgmental people. I needed to go back to how I was when I was a teenager.”

“You were different?”

“I was bitter and delusional and maybe I needed to stop trying to be so perfect, I realized that it’s quite impossible. I flew the moment I realized that I needed to be destructive, but I forgot how, since I care again”

“You have empathy now? Is that what you mean?” Even Tulip sat next to him very attentively.

“No, I care about what people think, I’m questioning everything that I tried to change. I want color, I want to get drunk and I want to have sex again-” his eyes widened a bit “-careless sex I mean. I want to eat whatever I want, I even want to yell at my students without being the bad guy. I just want to stop caring about what people will say, but I do care and it all began with you” she pointed an accusatory finger in his direction.

“Me? Don’t blame me” he whined…

“I’m not, but you have such a fun life. I never wanted any of this” he did have a fun life, but that’s because he lacked ambition, he loved his routine but he could’ve done more.

“What did you want?”

“To be a writer, I was a natural at that. I tried and tried to be poise and I’m simply not. I just learned how to become a character in all my stories- different versions to fit in. I want to shine not be manipulated by clowns”

“Then keep trying, there’s nothing wrong with that…but I am here. I’m looking at you shine, you’re so successful. Not mediocre like me. Just remember that you don’t have to shine for others, you don’t owe them anything. You have the potential to bring all those versions of yourself to life and you want to know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re at least trying to be better, but where are your dreams? You deserve to be happy. I met a woman at the peak of her career and it’s still not ending. Don’t let anyone break you into tiny pieces, take risks but don’t allow others to depend on you or take from you” my dreams are lost, that’s what she wanted to tell him, but she believed in new opportunities, a believer that she could do it all.

“When you first saw me, was that really what you thought?”

“I was petrified, completely intimidated by such a beautiful and professional woman. You are so smart and you know it too. Just leave the arrogance behind and turn it into pure harmless confidence. Because you have that”

“I’m broken Rúben, like a mirrorball forced to spin and cast light onto more interesting people. Every mirror is a piece of my stories, a different version of me, and I’ll eventually break, showing nothing but my true colors and that’s scary for me and for everyone that surrounds me”

“Did you break with me?”

“What?” His eyes were inspiring, like he knew every version of her, zero judgment.

“Is this the real you? Because you’re being raw, the fakeness that surrounded you is gone, like the clowns that you considered your friends. You reflect on me and even the-your broken pieces still shine. Yes you’re probably burnt out but at least you’re no longer looking for validation, when you can find it in all your accomplishments” she didn’t know if she gasped at his honesty or if she finally realized the truth behind his statement.

“I do feel relieved but I’m not perfect Rúben. I keep secrets to be considered sane”

“I won’t judge”

“I know you won’t, but I’m not ready just yet- Tulip be nice to your dad, he loves you so much. He only wanted to keep the pretty girl…” with a soft smile she left them in the kitchen. She would daydream about new possibilities and all of them included Rúben and a Tulip that once again loved Rúben.

—————

His assumptions about her were very true, she did love clutter and that empty house started to become a home for them. He still didn’t contribute much with decorations, he just wanted to keep her happy.

“What do you think about this?” she held up a creepy doll, he took a step back flinching.

“Don’t play with that, I agreed to help you shop, but you only promise to look for a lamp” they were currently shopping for furniture at an antique shop. One that was walking distance from their flat, but they swore that it was just new and overpriced stuff with ‘charm’, and they honestly hit the jackpot with the students and privileged people that surrounded the area.

“It’s cute, silly”

“It’s scary, my cousins used to scare me with them, they even dressed me like one”

“I bet you looked so pretty” his blushed cheeks were adorable.

“I didn’t, my mom had to cut my hair because they burnt it”

“How!” She was holding her laugh.

“I had long hair, and they tried to curl it”

“At least you played dress up with them”

“I had to, or else worse things would come” girls did love messing with brothers or cousins, having done a few mischievous things to her cousins.

“Used to wrestle with my cousin and I would win. I even broke one of his fingers”

“I’ll stay away from you then-” she shoved him a bit, emitting a little laugh from him.

“What can I help you with?”

“We’re just looking for a lamp for our home”

“Are you newly weds?” Bless the poor old lady but definitely bless her, because Rúben was extremely outspoken.

“Um-”

“Yes, we need to make our empty flat into a home, to start a family” lying just for fun was a new thing for her, especially him just holding her by the waist to fit the part.

“You make a beautiful couple…follow me” she took them to some unique lamps, the whole way there she was sweating and cursing under her breath, he was practically dragging her along as he spoke to the lady about their non-existent relationship, until she finally left them alone to argue in peace.

“Ok husband, you have to pick”

“I like this one, it fits the brown sofa and it has the gold details that you love so much”

“I love it actually…it’s pricey though” she had a pout, ready to give up on the lamp.

“I’ll buy it, you bought the coffee table and the bookshelf, it’s only fair”

“Ok… oh my Rúben! look at that painting…” his eyes followed her finger and he gasped “…it has a little orange kitten smelling a tulip”

“Looks just like Tulip, get it right now”

“We have pictures of her framed already?” He even insisted on taking professional pictures at a studio.

“So? That’s clearly a sign to get it” she asked the kind old lady for the frame.

“This frame is a present from us to you, so you can keep enjoying and decorating your home”

“You don’t have to…”

“Please accept it…You remind me so much of my early days with my husband”

“Ok, thank you” she felt bad for lying to the sweet lady, but it was all Rúben.

“Besides this lamp is very expensive, a nice investment don’t you think? take care of her darling” they both nodded, too invested in their fake relationship.

“I will, thank you so much…” She also said her thanks and they walked out hand in hand, not letting go until they walked into their apartment.

“Next to the sofa, correct?” Her hand fell to her side, missing the linger of his warmth. He plugged the lamp and it illuminated the room so magically, the hint of warmth was super cozy.

“Yes, it’s looking very nice here, really fancy…I feel bad for lying” she held the frame to him. As he moved on to get the tools that were now part of him.

“We are decorating our home, so it’s not a lie” he went to their little gallery walk, nail and hammer in hand.

“ I know but she was so sweet but very wrong”

“Why would she be wrong? she honestly just saw a reflection of her life”

“She doesn’t know us, Rúben…”

“Just let her assume ok, we just looked good together, nothing else, stop going mad over it” he always looked and sounded defensive when she spoke ill about herself, but he would never understand her or her inability to accept the fact that they were both very attractive.

“I’m not! It’s just weird seeing us two together and being like ‘that’s a cute couple’”

“We’re not ugly…”

“Tall and muscular with a curvy girl that avoided carbs in the morning, that’s a drastic difference” he had a very unclear expression- but maybe he was offended?

“You hate when people are judgemental right?”

“Yes…”

“Then how come you get to be mean to yourself?”

“Rúben you wouldn’t understand, you’ve never been insecure about your body I’m sure”

“Then you’re wrong, everyone has doubts” she wouldn’t argue so she moved on.

“I’m sorry…I love our wall” he gave her a forgiving smile.

“It’s nice huh- I’ve only been the one to hang them but I finally picked this frame”

“Thank you- for allowing me to decorate so carelessly” he shrugged his shoulders, fixing a crooked frame.

“It feels homey, my mum has dozens of pictures on our walls. I get why people don’t like clutter but I personally don’t find it unnecessary, some people feel more protected by a home that’s filled with stuff that makes them happy, just as much as people who find peace in an empty space”

“You’re very poetic, but I’m thinking that you’re more open minded than anything else” he smiled at her genuine comment.

“I just don’t have a clue about people’s lives and I certainly don’t pretend to know them. If I don’t plan on building a friendly or romantic relationship with them then I don’t form opinions”

“Is that why you accepted living with me?”

“The moment I saw you I knew we were very different, but I decided to take a leap forward and form an opinion about you because I knew that regardless we would have a relationship” she didn’t know how to make sense of what he meant, because she knew that she wasn’t as easy to approach, let alone form positive opinions about her.

“Harmless confidence huh?”

“Yes, I’m not as successful, but I knew I could impress”

“You take care of yourself, so you are successful, I also haven’t had any issues because you’re very responsible and respectful for the most part”

“I know we butted heads in the beginning and I’m sorry- I’m also sorry about Nadia and forcing an apology from you when you weren’t in the wrong…” she grabbed his hand, stopping him from once again apologizing.

“Let’s move on yeah?…I don’t want to focus on the past…I can’t believe she called me a mother though!”

“You don’t see yourself as a mother?”

“Hasn’t been in my plans, maybe when I’m in my mid thirties I’ll consider it- do you want to start a family?”

“I see it in the future, but it’s still very unclear the topic of kids”

“I get it- if I scare you, imagine a tiny baby”

“It will be your baby, they’ll love you regardless”

“I guess you’re right. Kids love their parents even if they’re misunderstood by them” he nodded, sitting on the floor of their hallway.

“I learned that you’re allowed to say no to your parents. They had so many expectations that I couldn’t meet. My brother is a doctor and I’m a bartender so I’ve always been judged. I’m proud of him and I don’t envy him, but they swear I do, so now I feel like I never reached my full potential” she sat down facing him.

“My parents never expected much of me, I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger and they gave up on my success. I was ambitious though and I did it all by myself…I guess if I were to become a mother I would know what not to do-I wouldn’t underestimate my child”

“Every insecurity that we always develop comes from our parents, have you noticed that?”

“Maybe because we had horrible parents, but they’re human and they will mess up, it’s just sad that we were the ones to deal with their baggage…but I again will tell you that you’re successful, if you’re happy then that’s all you’ll need”

“Thank you for believing that a tall and muscular man is capable of being successful…but you’re also gorgeous and intelligent and that’s two great qualities to have” with a discreet wink, he offered his hand to help her up, and for the first time she accepted.

—————

He was quite challenging, but not competitive at all and yes there was a difference. Challenging because he was difficult to understand but never competitive since he wouldn’t indulge in arguing over silly things or hurting her just to win an argument, he would make peace fairly quickly.

“What’s all this?”

“made you breakfast with carbs” there was a stack of pancakes and simple scrambled eggs on a plate with some cut up fruit.

“Why?”

“I didn’t wash dishes yesterday and I know you got a bit grumpy- just wanted to make peace”

“Thank you but I don’t eat…”

“There’s nothing wrong with pancakes linda, it’s a nice treat”

“Rúben I- I avoid them for a reason, I’m not disciplined when it comes to food, I can follow restrictions but the minute I have a taste again it’s over…” it didn’t apply to just foods.

“That’s because you’re restricting yourself, just have at least one bite” he put his hands together begging her to accept.

“I don’t want to be considered unhealthy…”

“I would never, not when I know that you eat rabbit food everyday”

“It’s nutritious!” She tried to convince him, but her whine was not sounding too believable.

“It’s not healthy if you’re not pairing something that you enjoy with it”

“Rúben-”

“Don’t whine and eat”

“You don’t understand”

“I do linda, trust me…it’s Monday you have a late lecture, just eat the two tiny pancakes”

“Did you put oats?” She hated pancakes with protein or oats. It takes away from the fluffiness.

“Nope, nothing ‘healthy’” he saw her take her first bite, and a little hum of appreciation was given.

“Really good, did you make it from scratch, we don’t have pancake mix?”

“Yes, followed a quick recipe”

“Why did you do this for me?” She dropped her fork, like she couldn’t fathom anyone doing something nice for her.

“Because you’re always hungry and you refuse to eat anything that isn’t a smoothie for breakfast”

“When I was younger, I went on rigorous diets and that mindset never left”

“Just know that this is a balanced meal ok”

“I know it is and I really appreciate it…thank you” he moved on to feed a very anxious Tulip…which brought another question from her.

“Why name her Tulip?”

“The first time I walked into our home the only color in the room was the orange Tulips on the empty side table”

“I don’t even remember that?” She had a soft look and that’s where she realized that he was special.

“I figured you wouldn’t, that makes her name more special…”

She never realized that she could find so much peace and freedom with Rúben. His friends weren’t stupid at all, yes they were immature and goofy, but they also had way more interesting conversations, ones that she could relate to. Family issues and work problems, they were just normal people.

But there she realized that she was the problem, no matter how welcoming they were, she still tried so hard to fit in, it was impossible for her to belong anywhere.

She just belonged with Rúben, it was a solitary friendship or a duo. She felt more free when it was just him and that’s why he tried to be as respectful as possible, breakfast and quick shopping trips were it for them, the mundane routine, simply existing with each other.

“Just listen to me it’s just for one night, tomorrow you can go back to pretending you hate me, be my date”

“I don’t hate you Rúben, but I can’t… dates are not my thing”

“Why not? Why can’t I pretend you’re mine tonight?”

“Because you’ll never be mine, not even for a night”

“But you could be mine?” Their friendship started to crumble right at that moment, she was just so bad at believing genuine people.

“Yea, I’ll probably fall in love and be so devoted, but you wouldn’t be half as engaged with me, so fully you will never be mine”

“You have no faith in me?”

“I have no faith in myself, I won’t be able to keep my feet on the ground- I can’t be blinded”

“It will be a night…”

“Exactly just a night…You only like the idea of me. Someone that was hard to get, but it’s just my own insecurities. I don’t deserve a lifetime of insecurities with you”

“So I’m a horrible person?”

“I don’t think you are, you will only be horrible to me”

“That’s where you’re wrong, thinking I’m so vain, so below you. Just because you’re established and have so many intelligent friends- yet you still feel shitty because you chose to be a professor, when you could’ve been an author like you wanted. Just because you were influenced by your stupid friends. So don’t ever try to tell me that I would be horrible to you, who knows maybe I would’ve helped you out with your miserable life” she didn’t think any of that, she just didn’t think she would look good next to him.

“I don’t have any of those friends Rúben and you know it, I also don’t believe that about you…but you were helping me with my horrible life but not anymore maybe- I guess I’ll go back to hating you” he closed his mouth, didn’t have anything to add. Not when her eyes were filling with tears and he had no doubt that her pillow was the one to catch them, definitely not him because despite her pain he went to the party.

——————

Tulip could sense that she was in a horrible mood, she didn’t leave her side. Her ears would buzz when he walked into the room, just as much as they burned with anger. Her right jaw just made her teeth hurt from the tightness of trying to bite down the bitterness.

The pictures that his friend Ines posted clearly showed a very familiar face next to Rúben. She could be mad but it just felt like pure disappointment and jealousy- she was jealous.

A type of bitterness that she felt when she was younger, she couldn’t be jealous over a boy, she had the chance to go with him but her own lack of self worth took over. She had everything and she was worrying about a boy?

“It was your turn to take out the bags of rubbish”

“Don’t worry I’ll take mine and yours on my way out” she had a little self-care date to attend and nothing was going to ruin it.

“You’ll take mine out? this is the first time you've spoken to me in two weeks and you’re being kind?”

“It’s just rubbish and if it gets you to shut up even better…”well that instantly irritated him, having no choice but to hurt her happy demeanor.

“Bernardo moved in with Ines and I can move in with Lucas, I just have to discuss next month's pay with you,” her breath hitched- a tiny reaction that showed Rúben that she cared.

“You don’t have to worry about that” she dismissed him with a simple shrug. Act like you care, get hurt, so avoid it as much as you can, that’s what she was thinking because he wanted to leave.

“I have the money!” He had a hint of irritation, the wrinkles prominent on his forehead.

“I’m not saying you don’t?”

“Just in case you need to find another roommate…”

“I’m sure I’ll manage…”

“You don’t even care that I’ll be gone?”

“It’s clear you don’t want to live here?”

“I can’t live like this?” He threw his arms in the air, tired of her rigid posture.

“I’m sure you can’t, you’ve pretended long enough…”

“You should’ve accepted my invitation all to avoid this miserable situation…”

“You took Nadia?” He didn’t, she was just in the picture.

“She was available”

“She’s been nothing but mean to me”

“I didn’t do it to annoy you- you’re not that important” a sting of pain was left in her heart.

“I bet both of you looked good, they were convinced that she was yours. Something that would be almost impossible for me to do…if I’m not important just leave”

“Everyone did look gorgeous, you would’ve been the odd one out” if that’s who she thought he was then he would reach her expectations.

“Then I saved you from humiliation” he couldn’t keep lying and making her question herself so he changed the conversation.

“ Where are you going?”

“I don’t owe you an explanation, but I have a date” she didn’t, but she couldn’t stop lying to him. He didn’t deserve even the tiniest of truths from her.

“I thought you didn’t go to those?” A flash of hurt invaded his eyes, yet she didn’t feel anything, she also didn’t allow herself to feel victorious.

“Maybe for the first time I won’t be someone’s secret- and he seems nice”

“What if he’s shallow and vain?” The first part didn’t click for him because how could anyone keep her in the dark?

“I already deal with you, so he can’t be that horrible to manage” give up- that’s all he did

“Just please be careful” with a long sigh, he went to his room. Taking the rubbish on her way out.

Her night was relaxing, she went to a nice quaint restaurant where they didn’t judge her for eating alone. She also went to her favorite clothing shop, where all sizes and cute patterns were included and everything was pretty reliable. She considered her little outing successful.

She was about to get in her car when everything went black. She woke up disoriented and in a white spiritless room. There was also a very angry but worried boy sitting on the armchair next to the hospital bed, one that quickly rose to his feet, pressing a button to call for help.

“What happened?”

“They thought that you would be able to tell us”

“Who?” She hissed in pain and he gently grabbed her hand before she touched her bruised face.

“The police, you were found on the pavement unconscious with a severe concussion after probably hitting the floor with the impact of the punch that went straight to your jaw” his finger softly traced her jaw.

“I was getting out of the shops, did they take anything I only heard heavy steps?”

“Your money, you had cash probably because the wallet was found a couple of meters next to you, but no bags were found”

“I did, and they will probably be disappointed with my shopping, it was new outfits I bought” she chuckled as his hand suddenly dropped against his thigh.

“How can you say that? I told the police that it was your date, and you're taking this lightly?”

“It happens Rúben, I was robbed and there was no date”

“No you were hurt, punched and left there alone, you lied to me” he believed that the other part didn’t matter because it did more damage than good to his heart.

“I didn’t ask for you to be here”

“Then how come I’m your emergency number?” That’s when she started to cry, ‘never be weak’ was thrown out the window.

“Just leave Rúben, I don’t want to owe you anything, you’re scolding me because I disrupted your night. I’ll owe you a favor I know” she was ugly sobbing and there he realized that no one had ever been nice to her, that they always expected something in return, but he wasn’t like that.

“You’re being very stubborn and stupid, I don’t expect anything from you. I’m trying to help you realize that what happened to you is serious”

“I just want to go home Rúben, please take me home” he was only able to hold her hand as her doctor arrived, telling her everything she needed to do, from medications to just getting rest as well as canceling her lectures to avoid speculation and probably severe headaches.

She was able to walk out of the hospital, yes he had his arm wrapped securely around her frame but she was able to walk out with minimal discomfort.

“How did you get here?”

“You were out for sometime, I came here then got your keys and then I went for your car”

“Were you at work?”

“I was getting ready…” he wasn’t expecting her to just stop and wrap her arms around his torso, mumbling apologies against his chest. “…hey- it’s okay linda, you’re safe with me” and she did feel safe with his arms around her.

“I don’t want you to leave-please don’t leave”

“I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be with you this whole week taking care of you. I promise”

“And after?”

“I’ll be with you for as long as you let me…”

“I don’t think you’re shallow…” that was eating her alive.

“I don’t think you’re miserable, but you are very important to me and I can’t imagine losing you. I need you to be honest. This will be the last time you lie to me, you have to open up. I don’t want us to make up lies just to hurt one another…There’s a very thin line between us- in one hand I want to fight you and then in a twisted way I just want you to be mine…all your versions” she separated herself from him, not fully but just enough to see the honesty shining from his eyes, and she wouldn’t fear her insecurities, not this time.

“Rúben, before you jump into a confession like that you have to know everything about me and although I’ve been very transparent with you, I have something else to tell…but let’s go home” he nodded, fondly kissing her forehead, his lips lingered there for a few seconds until their smiling eyes met.

The drive back was quiet, it gave her the time to gather her thoughts, approach a secret that was considered shameful by others. She had no idea how to handle her embarrassment when she did nothing wrong.

“I’ll make you a quick soup ok”

“Rúben, you don’t have to”

“Just stay on the sofa and get some rest”

“I have to talk to you…”

“We have time linda, just lay down” The soup was better than expected, she ate in silence while Ruben joined in.

“Are you not going to work?”

“No, I told them that I had an emergency with my wife”

“Are you still using that excuse?”

“Yes, since we can’t wear jewelry it makes perfect sense and people had no idea, which makes me more mysterious”

“You’re horrible,” she laughed in disbelief.

“It also keeps flirty people away from me, last year I was happy flirting away since it meant more tips, but now I can’t entertain anyone. I want the night to end so I could see you in the morning”

“Oh shush, you only see me for ten minutes”

“And I treasure those ten minutes- I also treasure the day that we both don’t work”

“Which is very rare”

“It’s like once every month, but we do have a few nights when I see you”

“It’s funny how we live together but we’re always so far away”

“I want to change that, I want to get to know you more…I want us to be more” ok, a big confession from him created the perfect moment to blurt out her issues.

“Ok, um. Six years ago I felt very dirty and I still feel like that…I was filled with shame and sadness and suppressed anger- self-hatred in a way. If I can’t possibly like myself I have a hard time accepting that you can” He did like her, and if it takes a constant loop of affirmations then he’ll deal with them.

“What happened, why do you feel dirty?”

“I loved being free, I was in my second year of uni, barely twenty-one and I wanted to step away from my fiction book that I was writing, a dystopian novel. I wanted to stop being so secluded from fun experiences so I started to party, to be desired and I slept around…not a lot but I found a man, a very charming and intelligent man. He helped me a bit with my studies and he even paid for a year of my uni. My only friend that I have who now lives in Spain told me to not be the secret because that will be the pain to the other woman. I didn’t know that he was married and I didn’t even know he had kids….”

Women were quick to blame the other woman instead of holding their husbands accountable, she was a great example of being blindsided. Of falling into the trap of a horrible and selfish man that just had to cheat. She blamed herself for not doing her research, she felt guilty for causing his wife pain and she felt stupid for tainting her image.

“…She exposed me, I used to live in London but I had to move and start brand new. She failed to realize, his wife, that I was also a secret, that I felt the same amount of shame that she felt, that he lied about his name and everything else, he also only kept me in the privacy of his darkness…I felt dirty and to gain some composure I started to dress less provocatively and I straightened myself to look elegant and that’s how I met the people that you’re familiar with. I exposed myself to a different fake lifestyle because I tried to hide who I really was- a mess”

“They wouldn’t judge you if you fed them lies right?” He never let go of her hands and never felt the need to humiliate her, just attentive eyes and a firm hold.

“Exactly, I am smart and ambitious, but I wasn’t perfect. I had- have so many flaws, but I felt free. Being someone that I wasn’t was so liberating, with him I lived in pure indignation- in the shadows of his secret and it was worse because he met the real me, I let myself go for him and that’s truly horrible”

“But did you really? Because you’re still that strong and outspoken woman. You’re intimidating and that’s a good thing because you’re not naive…”

“But I was…”

“…No you were in love which is different. You loved that asshole, you opened up to someone that you cared about, it's normal. What he did was horrible, what he did to his wife is disgusting and unforgivable and if she stayed with him that’s not shameful it’s simply monotony and fear and let’s hope that she finds peace. But you leaving and starting over is acceptable because he also lied to you. So yes you're allowed to feel guilty and sad, but never feel ashamed of simply being in love with the wrong person…”

“Would you ever cheat on someone that you’re tied to?”

“…Never, I don’t like the word tied, sounds like baggage- a burden that doesn’t want to let you go. I believe that if you really belong together, then there would be no hurt. I wouldn’t harm or cause my girl any type of pain. I also believe that I would do everything in my power to protect you and keep you by my side- in my life. Your ex and his wife are tied, but you’re no longer a loose thread in their life, you shouldn’t be a constant source of misery in their life, she got her “revenge” and you left. It’s ok for you to move on.”

“I want us to be tied though?” Her eyes were teary and ready to explode from the honesty surrounding their beginning.

“Then let’s become a tight knot and never let anyone hurt us…”

“There won’t be loose threads- promise me honesty” she was met with a sad but sincere smile along with a confident nod.

“I promise that you won’t even have to dig for my deepest truths, I’ll gladly tell you” the tips of his thumbs wiped the lonesome tears that managed to escape.

“You don’t think I’m the other woman?”

“No-you didn’t know…”

“I feel bad for her and her kids, but you’re right I hope she finds peace”

“Both of you deserve peace and happiness”

“I think I’ll find that with you”

“I’ll provide nothing but happiness for you, I’ll be honest from now on” he opened his arms for her and she clung to his body, wanting to be in his arms forever. He had to be careful, with her fragile state, but it seemed like she was going to be better.

“I really want to lay here with you, but I’m tired”

“Who says that you can’t lay against me while you sleep?” And as he slowly laid on the sofa, pulling her to her side she barely tried to get out of their situation.

“Your arm will go numb and your back will hurt from my weight…” she was nicely tucked in his side, not a care in the world, even if she pretended to be indignant.

“I quite like your weight slightly on me” his matter of fact tone, disrupted her calm belly, she had those annoying butterflies that she hadn’t felt in so long.

“Do you really want to sleep on the sofa?”

“Ok where do you want to sleep, my bed or yours?”

“Rúben!-Your bed seems comfier” he laughed softly, but he still managed to get up with zero complaints, but she did complain the whole way to his bed as he carried her bridal style.

“I hate you, do you know that?” She mumbled against his neck, but he was extremely calm.

“I figured, but I’m not bothered linda…see we’re here, I’ll be back ok get comfortable…” but she just gave him a sleepy thumbs up and she was already in a deep sleep. He had never felt so much relief, he finally acted on his feelings.

The moment she opened the door it was over for him, he tried to date and forget about his unapproachable roommate but he just couldn’t do it. She was just perfect, curiously filled his body- he felt everything with her.

Her stare circulated through his veins, her smile would take his breath away, and even her agitated and sarcastic voice created a rapid and distinct reaction from his heart. He believed that time would increase all his feelings of desperation but they halted, everything was calm in their storm of chaos.

In the midst of her exposed and uncertain eyes, laid a serene and warm girl who also seemed to slow down with the time spent with him. There could be so much chatter and background noise but their steady gazes always met- in every room she casted her shine.

“Are you coming to bed?” Her sleepy voice directed at him was adorable.

“Yes baby, just had to do my nighttime routine…” baby? It sounded so foreign to her insecure ears, a nickname that claimed her to be his, so casually and with no question marks.

“I forgot to do mine”

“It’s ok, I brought some of your pajamas” she slowly got up and she took the clothes from his hand. He quickly turned around as she changed. He heard the rustling and he knew she was looking back to see if he had moved, but nothing she was respected, something that was new to her.

“I’m a clean girl ok, but I just have the worst migraine. When are the pills going to work?-” They both got under the covers and somehow without even asking or making him question anything she cuddled him.

“I-I don’t know, but you ate and took your medication, you just need to rest and you can worry about your routine tomorrow ok”

“You’re right…” she whispered, but then just as fast she got curious “…Your room is nice by the way- Rúben?” He only hummed, ready to answer her questions or more so all her doubts, because he did know her.

“It might take me a while to understand why you want to have me this close, but just know that I still appreciate all your reassurances.” His hold tightened, he wanted her to feel his arms as they protected her from those horrible instincts of not being deserving of his love.

“I remember you told me that I didn’t have any insecurities, but I do. I have really big teeth and a distinct nose according to many but I believe that it fits my face rather nicely. I also have a scar on my torso from a motorcycle accident which makes intimacy much harder for me. So I do struggle and I do understand the constant pressure that your brain is dealing with. But we have to keep reminding each other just how breathtakingly beautiful we are”

“I think your nose is beautiful and your teeth are very straight and I just know that scar is sexy because of course you can pull it off. But thank you for trusting me with your deepest struggles, I promise to be mindful from now on.”

“Thank you baby, now sleep because tomorrow we have to discuss this a bit more…sweet dreams”

“Good night baby” she felt the tips of her ears burning, but his giggle took the spot of embarrassment and as she lifted her head from his chest, she was able to place a firm kiss on his red cheek.

There was something so satisfying about sleeping with someone, the intimacy of just a simple cuddle and meaningless conversations. Sure he was attractive, attentive, intelligent and kind but she couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was about him.

But she felt that's why she should give him a chance. It wasn’t complicated, a bit confusing sure, but what they were currently feeling was mutual. He felt everything with her and if it was just existing outside their home then they both felt nothing, a perfect mix of measured calmness and pure havoc.

—————

He woke up first, against his will but her alarm was blasting in another room and based on her pain she was probably so tired and unbothered. So getting out of bed was not so difficult, he turned off her alarm and he made his way to a very drowsy girl that was waiting for him.

“I didn’t want to wake up without you…” she had a tiny exaggerated pout.

“Your crazy early alarm was demanding my presence” he handed her the phone.

“I have dozens of get well emails from my students, which is nice and also Tulip came to say hi” the cat had wandered off now that she knew her owner was ok, throughout the night she heard her worried purrs.

“How did you cancel the lectures so fast? And I’m sure she was worried”

“Had to call the program director and just cancel, they don’t really have a say, I did post an assignment online so they are busy…are you still sleepy?”

“Yeah, I got up in a rush because I didn’t want the alarm to disturb you”

“I just didn’t feel you and I woke up” she tried to hide her face, but he was able to plop on the bed and kiss her forehead.

“I didn’t want to disturb you, you needed the rest”

“I’ve gotten used to the morning life”

“You’re an early bird, I got up against my will”

“Just go back to sleep…” he snuggled closer to her, hiding his face on the crook of her neck. “I’m trying but I just want to talk with you” his beard ticked as he murmured against her skin, but she was only worried about the patter of her heart as she was sure that he heard how affected she was by the simplest of affections.

“You’ll be able to talk when you’re less tired, besides you don’t work today”

“I know but I can’t resist the temptation to hear your voice”

“Oh hush- stop flirting and just sleep” she felt his smile and there went her betraying heart making it so obvious.

“You promise that you’ll talk my ear off later”

“I promise…” she believed that being surrounded by his warmth also sent her into a dreamy mood. As she woke up, he was already looking at her, his dazy eyes didn’t forget the promises that were uttered by her.

“Morning, what time is it?”

“Ten, exactly that”

“It’s better than six right?”

“Yes, I got more rest, how’s your jaw and head?” He gently checked her jaw and the bruise was becoming even darker.

“It’s painful, but I’ll manage”

“You look very tired, you should get more rest” he looked quite dreamy and she couldn’t help but feel like the ugliest of sleeping beauties.

“I’m used to not sleeping, when I had to write my dissertation, I didn’t sleep for six months straight, I took thirty minute naps to survive, but I’m an expert in my field so I guess that it paid off”

“Since you’re an expert you deserve the sleep now more than ever”

“I’ve only been teaching for two years, my education consumed me, so any jaw breaking moments might get me my rest” puns aside she literally had nothing else going on besides her horrible friendships she made along the way.

“I got terrified when I got the call. You left on a terrible note with me, I brushed off your feelings and I just want to clarify that I went alone to the party, Nadia is friends with Marie and Marie is Ines’s friend so I just bumped into her. I thought that we were becoming friends and I just got mad, I was more sad than mad and then you left for a date and I just wanted you to be careful…”

“And I’m here, in your arms, safe and healthy. I don’t want to ever spit hurtful words at you or for you to do the same”

“If we want this to work out…” he kept looking at her lips, and she knew that a kiss was the best way to really know if things are going to work out.

“Wait, I have to use the restroom” she never found morning kisses as exciting, not in a new relationship at least.

“Me too…” they were in and out of their respective bathrooms in less than five minutes. She was already waiting for him.

“Did you brush your teeth?”he chuckled while climbing next to her.

“Yes, I’m sure you did that too, since we have something to do”

“What is it?” She tried to look confused, turning her face away from him, but she knew that he would gently pull her back in.

“I really want to kiss you”

“So do it, or am I still too intimidating?”

“Yes definitely, but that won’t really stop me” their lips were inches apart and when they finally touched, it was a beautiful feeling, better than they imagined. A pouring all of their necessity to feel loved resulted in a gentle but still firm kiss almost like a promise. A promise to feel- They felt everything and there was no denying it.

Hums of enjoyment from the both of them and a few moments to pull away to catch their breaths were shared. However his lips still lingered close to hers “again Ruben please” this time the kisses were short pecks that had them smiling against each other. She kissed the corner of his mouth and with one last peck he murmured something that completely shocked her “I love you…” and before she would shatter him “…and I know that it will take you some time and I’m ok with that. But I just need you to know how much I feel for you, I’m ok with waiting as long as you feel the same for me when you’re ready”

“I’ll feel the same way Rúben, I know I will but let me overcome the fear of a new beginning yea?” She slightly rubbed her jaw, apparently kissing was destined to make her life more difficult.

“Of course, you will show your love in other ways”

“In many ways” another kiss because she realized that it would be her favorite pastime.

“I don’t want to leave this bed, but you need to eat to take your antibiotics”

“Are you going to make me pancakes from scratch?”

“Is that what you want?”

“Yes, that’s what I want” another sudden kiss, spontaneous was all he ever wanted.

“Stop looking at my lips or we won’t leave this bed” her response was once again slotting their lips in a slow and smiley kiss.

“-Ok go and make me breakfast, I’ll repay you with dinner”she gave him a playful shove and that’s how he finally got out of the bed.

“I just want your kisses”he leaned against the door frame, wanting to see her flustered self but she was still and confident.

“Deal…” he shook his head walking away “don’t forget the chocolate chips!-” she only heard a little “okay” from a distance and their new routine began with excitement and lots of pancakes accompanying the endless kisses.

—————

Two weeks had passed and she was in a state of pure bliss with Rúben, they just worked. Not only because they already had boundaries but because he was so unbothered, she provided that intensity while he brought the calmness.

The only thing that had changed was Tulips sudden jealousy and that his bed that was switched into her more spacious room. They weren’t just existing separately anymore. For example the occurrence of sleeping together and their stuff slowly blending, making everything feel more natural for them.

It’s not like she was always home, her lectures required a lot of lesson planning and upkeep to be a fair and sensible professor. She rarely had time for Rúben, it was mostly a few short minutes in the morning and a few hours in the afternoons before his job also demanded his attention.

“I need to find a new job” he walked in plopping down on the bed and almost immediately pulling her to his side. He had gone out for a rare coffee date with Bernardo and he didn’t look the most pleased.

“Why?” She believed that he enjoyed his work, he always came home very satisfied with the occasional moody days still present.

“I barely see you, you’re gone for the whole day and it’s only been two weeks, imagine in months from now how desperate I will be to spend some time with you?”

“I have summer holiday coming up, -almost two months of my undivided attention. You leave home at nine and you come back at four in the morning giving you exactly two hours of sleep before I wake you up with all my rushing. So I say that it works Rúben”

“It doesn’t because I wake up around ten in the morning and then what? You’re not home until five, only four hours of time with you and that is pretty much rare as well. Why do you think I know when you’re done getting ready in the morning, my sleep is thrown out the window because I enjoy the minutes I get to see you eating your oatmeal and smoothies”

“I’m sorry amor, I’m trying to manage my time, maybe I’ll pick one less lecture next semester. I don’t want you quitting your job. I’ll be back at two, how does that sound?” He nodded, having no choice but to compromise.

“Maybe I can work on Tuesday and get a weekend day off ? It’s more tips but Tuesdays are for organized parties or other events are held” he often desired a calm environment away from young and drunk people.

“Those uni kids are your biggest source of income Rúben…”

“Also the older ladies” he had a point, he could make money regardless.

“I bet you’re so great with them”

“Don’t get jealous…but tipping culture is only alive for younger people, I don’t expect them. I do however expect to have you for longer than a few hours everyday”

“Ok, so one less lecture next semester and for you one day switched to my day off?”

“Exactly, I hope you don’t mind?”

“I don’t, they be raising my wages so regardless I’ll probably make the same without one class”

“Ok, thank you amor. I’m sorry for being whiny”

“I love your whiny voice” she caressed his beard, while they just calmly communicated with their soft gazes.

“You haven’t kissed me” she pouted, making him pucker his lips and finally giving her a kiss, his hand kept caressing her side, slowly going down to the peeking of skin by her hip.

She jumped slightly from the coldness of his hand, she didn’t want to be bothered by his touch because it really was just innocent touches, but her skin had marks that she was not so comfortable with, especially showing them to Rúben.

“Can I put my hands under your shirt?”

“Ye-yeah, just have a few bumpy imperfections…” he kissed her lips, interrupting her turmoil.

“ everyone has permanent marks meu amor”

“They are everywhere” she gently guided his hand underneath her shirt. His touch was so foreign but definitely needed.

“More places for me to kiss…put your hands underneath my shirt, feel my scar on the side” her hands were so delicate and warm and her sigh kept him at peace, one step further away from their fear of intimacy.

“Did it hurt?”

“Yeah, I glided through the pavement and a stupid little pebble slashed into my skin”

“My grandpa always told me that motorcycles were death wishes”

“Well he was right…I don’t even drive because I’m afraid”

“I also hate driving and I need to invest in a new car, could you help me? Maybe in two months, I feel like the brakes don’t work”

“The breaks don’t work? Then we definitely need to go”

“We’ll fight to be the passenger princess then?”

“I believe so, we’ll take turns…”

Their planning and their affection started to progress the longer they were together. Two months later and no issues were found. They handed Bernardo a very scary Tulip and off they went as he had surprised her with a short one week holiday to Lisbon where she got to meet his parents.

They were kind but serious people, the only problem was that his brother's name never left their lips creating a wave of tension. And he was right his mother did have a gallery wall but filled with Ivan’s pictures and a few ones of Rúben.

She mimicked their voices in a tiny whisper because they were still in their home “Ivan, just saved a dying man…” she was roughly applying her serum.

“Amor, that's a good thing!” He still said it with a breathy laugh.

“I know but you also gave CPR to that old lady…”

“You have a point I saved a life-“

“But Ivan has saved thousands more” she continued mimicking his parents, he still felt like joking but the switch in his eyes was very noticeable.

“He even bought them a home which is more than I’ll ever give them, I still disappoint them” through the mirror she saw how his eyes aimlessly searched for her comfort.

“You can never disappoint me…”

“I’m aware-” he teasingly smiled, kissing her cheek to give her space. “…Because I love you” it was the time, he quickly took her face in his hands, his eyes lost the sadness, they were blown away by pure love. Like his whole world changed in the speed of a few seconds.

“You do?” Was it really hard to believe? No…

“I love you so much-” his lips were feverishly moving against hers, a kiss that completed their beginning, it was time to move on and continue into the more mundane and domestic parts of a relationship- what made everything real and beautiful.

The kiss continued until she was laying on the bed, his body nicely covered her. His weight was a necessity for her, and if it wasn’t for their respect to his parents their night would’ve ended way differently. They woke up frustrated and grumpy, but it all went away with their early morning love affirmations.

“Hi, did you sleep well?”

“You already know how I slept”

“Stop frowning, you're going to get wrinkles…” she touched his forehead to get rid of his frustrated wrinkles “…when we’re home we can do that and more”

“I hate that we’re so respectful, but one more day here and we will do that and more…”

The trip almost ended with two frustrated individuals but for worse reasons, Rúben got into a serious fight with his parents, a stupid joke that went too far. His parents decided to say that a bartender didn’t deserve someone with that much intelligence, that if she met Ivan it would be even better.

“Excuse us…” his chair screeching on the new floor and his palm hitting the table with no words was even more painful than words. She tried to go after him but he locked the bathroom.

“You do deserve me baby, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but you. You remember what I said yesterday? You have to get out of there…” sobs and running water were heard.

His sobs were painful, they were hitting everything that connected her with him “…please baby” her voice broke and that’s when the click sound came. The path of sad and wet footprints was all she followed, as she pulled the fully clothed man into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry, you’re all wet…” he brought his gaze to her teary eyes and she kissed him softly as he spoke.

“…That was rude” a tiny giggle that finally got a smile from him.

“I just like kissing you, it seemed like you were in need of one”

“Even if I look ugly? probably look puffy” he tried to rub his eyes, but the water wasn’t helping.

“I love you and only you. Even If if we look like fish right now”

“Thank you for making me smile, I just don’t feel good”

“You deserve me. You deserve every kiss and every hug from me, you need my love. Your ‘potential’ was probably wasted by all their efforts to bring you down, but I see you- how bloody intelligent you are. You speak so clearly and you’re so poetic, like our words just create the perfect mix of emotions…” he pulled her into his arms, bringing her up so they could stand. A kiss in what she wanted to imagine was pouring rain.

“I love you and I want to prove them wrong. I’ll do it.”

“That’s the spirit…”

“I’ll find a job at an office or any other place, I’ll marry you and if you want, we’ll have a family. One where our kids will be treated equally with zero favoritism, and I’ll be happier” a family with him would be lovely, family to her was also unfortunate because they never understood or appreciated her ambitions.

“We will be happy…here let’s take our tops off” he helped her out of her clinging blouse, as he very smoothly took off his t-shirt.

“I think since they disrespected us, then we should too? We stopped here yesterday” he only shook his head at her petty antics, he still smiled, but they just couldn’t indulge.

“I don’t think shower sex is what I want for our first time, it’s too slippery”

“I agree, but we have to take off our clothes and somehow go wash-em”

“I’ll go do it, I just need to speak with my parents, but first, let’s get naked” he wiggled his eyebrows, removing the tension that she was currently feeling. It was all curious and loving glances. Quiet hums of admiration and the occasional warmth that spread through their bodies. He felt timid, his rosy cheeks were adorable, and she couldn’t resist kissing them.

Their skin was wet, making the embrace foreign to them. The water flowing down their skin had turned cold, yet they didn’t feel it- they couldn’t when their whole body burned with pure intensity. They gave each other a reason to dream, the damage was done.

As they washed their bodies, they realized that innocent caresses were beautiful, but the not so innocent looks were even better. It took a lot to not take her in that tiny shower, but they both got out with giggles and dreamy sighs.

Until he hurriedly woke her up a few hours later, he was gently shaking her but with urgency in his beautiful voice. He was packing their things in the one suitcase they brought. He was rushing, the now dry clothes were the last ones to be carelessly thrown into the luggage.

“What’s wrong?”

“We’re leaving baby”

“Why?”

“I just can’t be here, so hurry please. Or are you ok leaving with pajamas?” She shook her head to awaken.

“N-no, just hand me the leggings you just washed and my sports bra” she decided to keep his white t-shirt. She couldn’t leave in her underwear and his shirt right?”

But she wouldn’t question him, if he wanted to leave then it was for a good reason. Rúben loved her even more for that. “Ok, I’m going to brush my teeth…”

“That’s all I left, throw them away when you’re done” he stopped talking fast, his voice was still strained but somehow still soft.

They looked like a mess, his shorts and t-shirt were not helping. The up and down look that they received from their driver told them everything. He didn’t want to talk, the strong hold that he had on her hand, was the only indication that he wanted her close.

“I’m sorry, for waking you up and ruining our holiday” now waiting to board the plane, he finally spoke.

“I just know that it was for a good reason, besides I’m missing Tulip”

“I suppose you fell asleep when I went to put our clothes in the drier. By the way we have to wash them…” he patted her thigh as she shrugged, nothing else mattered but his mental state “…but eh- I fought with them, told them that I wasn’t a runaway. That I wanted to make them proud but there was no point in trying. They didn’t have the money after putting Ivan through medical school, and I couldn’t bother them with my dreams…” At the time he felt selfless but now he just felt stupid, he could’ve been a bit selfish after being in Ivan’s shadow throughout his childhood and adolescence.

“…But of course they don’t know that, they just assume that I wasn’t as ambitious as him. They swore that I was still jealous and mad at them. But I have a pretty good life with you, I’m happy. I had the worst luck thanks to them. When Ivan graduated, I rushed to the ceremony and guess what? I ended up in the hospital, but instead of being worried I was blamed for making his day all about me. So they will never understand me, and I just realized that I don’t want them to know me anymore. They were always bothered by me, I’m sure they just had me because Ivan asked them too”

She put her head on his shoulder, trying to give him comfort. She was also someone that her parents didn’t understand, always solving her own issues to not be a bother and to not be judged. “You’re a great person and they fail to realize that. I love my parents but I don’t necessarily like them. They are horrible and you learn to tolerate them, but we shouldn’t encourage them. I think you did a wonderful thing- leaving, you put your foot down. I’m proud of you”

“I’m proud of you as well. We have a lot in common, and I think that parents are just a very complex topic. They are deeply misunderstood, but it’s not like we can study them. They have a lot of bitterness, even the most beautiful of marriages are sour…I don’t want our love story to be sour. Always be honest with me, yeah? there will be no contempt or disrespect.”

“Monotony hurts the heart, we can be comfortable but never bored. Love shouldn’t be tedious, it’s not perfect. But what can’t be solved with a kiss?” A lot of things can't be solved with a kiss, but it would never get that bad for them, so he kissed her- a tired but firm promise of forever with each other.

——————

They had what she considered the best night. He laid her on the bed and made love to her, sweet and gentle love. Instead of disturbing words thrown at her, the praises leaving his lips were so soft. She melted, completely getting lost in what she considered a loving paradise.

She was his and now he felt a new part of her deep within. Mutual love and that was everything that they could ask for in this world- loving each other was perfection. There was no longer sadness and disappointment in their worlds because they created just one. A world where their love was all that mattered.

“Morning beautiful, do you want to come out of there?”she was trying to close the curtains, unbeknownst to her, he was watching. So she shrieked and used the curtains as her shield.

“Morning Rúben, you surprised me…” she slowly walked towards the bed and then plopped right into his arms.

“You look quite sexy in my shirt”

“You’ve seen me in your shirt before?-” He didn’t argue with her, but she really did look pretty.

“-besides it is quite tight. I’m drowning instead of swimming…” and his favorite part in the morning was kissing her as she rambled. Because believe it or not she always had something to say.

“I was drowning yesterday- and it was perfect”

“It was” now she was the one that didn’t argue.

“I was suffocating and the only way for me to get some air into my lungs was by kissing you. I need you to breathe and I realized that I don’t want to go another day without your touch, innocent or not, I need your touch”

“I’m yours, I’m sure I made that clear yesterday?” She cringed at her desperate begging the night before but he only smirked.

“And I hope that I didn’t let you down”

“You know you didn’t…but don’t get cocky”

“I won’t only because I know you won’t like me too cocky, but admit that you love me either way”

“I love you and I again I’m sure I said it like a prayer yesterday”

“Wouldn’t let our love go in vain, I love you too much for that”

“Let’s stay like this, let’s enjoy my last week of freedom” he groaned at the thought that they soon had to interrupt their calm and peaceful mornings.

“Perks of students needing a break is that you also get it”

“Yes, have you talked to Ines?”

“Yes, her father is interested in me. I speak three languages so I could be the handsome receptionist in the lobby of his luxurious company here in Manchester, besides it’s a bit more pay and way more stability” a day after arriving in Manchester, he talked to Bernardo who talked to his girlfriend and just like that he had a new job.

Bernardo also worked there as an assistant to his father in law, which she would love to pay to see him running around. “When do you start?”

“Next Monday, from six in the morning to two in the afternoon, five days a week- and I convinced them no weekends”

“Even better, I leave around three which is perfect…by the way we need a new car” . His new job location was a bit of a drive and although she didn’t have to drive far enough, all the papers and mess that she carried around couldn’t be taken with her on walks.

“Can we buy one together?”

“A big compromise” not one that she minded.

“I’m sure we can manage, we live together” yes they’ve only been in love for about a month, even longer for him, but they were serious.

“Ok”

“Or we can keep your old one, I’ll drive that one and of course you’ll take our new car”

“That won’t be fair to you?”

“I just want you safe and I feel like we can fix your old car, I checked and the breaks are definitely not failing”

“I guess we can go to a car agency soon, before Monday”

“Perfect, now breakfast or are you not hungry?”

“Not hungry, I feel like a smoothie is needed this time” he shook his head because she still wasn’t letting go of her flimsy breakfast.

“I’ll make a smoothie soon…”

“Besides we need to shower, I feel sweaty”

“Well you’re not…you’re so soft” he cheekily caressed her thigh, that was nicely draped over his own.

“We can shower together” a smirk that disappeared just as fast.

“Wait, are you feeling alright?”

“Yes, it has been a few months but I’m ok. You weren’t rough or anything”

“Do you like rough sex?” He was one that didn’t necessarily enjoy being desperate. He liked to take his time, somehow he made it work to not be so vanilla and for the most part how much of everything he did worked.

“I'm not a fan, I mean I don’t mind it. Sometimes that’s what you want, but not most times. I feel like if you understand your partner then you’ll understand what they are in the mood for” she definitely had a track record of having sex when she didn’t want to and it was exhausting faking her pleasure. She didn’t believe that Rúben would ever demand his pleasure above hers, but in their eyes they were pretty irresistible, so maybe they wouldn’t have any trouble.

“So was I ok, yesterday?”

“You were perfect- we both were” he smiled, happy that she wasn’t questioning herself. The level of connection that they reached yesterday was beautiful and they both knew it. So they remained in each other’s arms for a while until his stomach started to growl.

“Are you hungry now? Because I am”

“Yes, but now I actually want those fluffy pancakes you made. The special ones” screw the smoothies.

“Ok, since it is a special morning, let’s shower so we can get breakfast started…” They had a nice little routine of him making the food, but she was more digilent about measurements and cutting fruits, plus she also made the best ice coffee so they both compromised, helping each other out was also a way to show love.

“By the way, I have a little party before the new uni year starts. It’s like a dinner event for the staff and I want you to come with” she had to tell him now because his shirtless self was creating a bunch of unholy thoughts.

“When is it? I don’t have plans, I’ll go with you, but I want to make sure I have a nice suit”

“This Saturday, it’s semi-formal and you won’t work right?”

“No, Friday is my last day as a bartender”

“Perfect, I’ll finally take someone”

“We also have to make sure we look extra hot”

“I know we will…”

It was torture having to go to certain events alone, but now she finally had someone. But the nerves were still there, she didn’t know who to be. Would she have to pretend or just having him there would be enough to calm the horrible doubts that still lingered in her mind?

—————

Those doubts became dormant the moment she stepped into the room, because no one batted an eye at their direction. She had a beautiful casual dress and he had a simple button up shirt, nothing fancy.

She went around saying hi, but it was bugging him, how she never introduced him and when she did, he couldn’t help but think of his escape.

Maybe she was nervous, because he certainly was. A room filled with smart people and he was the odd one out. He looked confused with every conversation held and when he did speak he just felt judged.

She was in her moment though, sparkling for those shallow people. She was lively and fake, all over again and it was truly horrible having to see that version that he swore to erase from her life, they promised that they wouldn’t pretend.

She tried to encourage him with her beautiful eyes, but the weird steak was better than anything else in the room. She was distracting him the whole way to the event and now he couldn’t even look at her. He was mad, and she didn’t seem to notice his aimless expression.

A beautiful woman came to their table, someone that held much more importance in the circle and as she walked around shaking hands with everyone, she came right in their line of vision and all his love said was…

“This is Rúben, a friend…” friend? You don’t kiss friends on the lips? You don’t buy a new car with a friend? And you definitely don’t speak about an imaginary family with a friend.

So he stayed there until the nice lady walked away and as soon as she tried to find his hand, his chair screeched and he was out of the double doors. He walked into a smaller lobby that held a few scattered individuals, the same ones that gave him a curious look, but he kept walking away, until someone stopped him.

“Are you ok? I know this is too much for you, I don’t even know what they are saying about half the time…” his teary eyes stopped her. “…do you want to leave?” He looked disappointed on top of everything and she wanted to walk away and lock herself in a scary room due to the look of disdain on his face.

“I-I’m more than a friend to you and that’s all you told them? I sleep every night with you, I comfort you and kiss you and I’m happy with you and this is what I get, a simple label of friend?” She gently grabbed his wrist, but he still shook her off, she was surprised by his cold reaction.

“I-I want to live in only this version with you, I want this story to come true, I deserve it, and I gather that you’re mad at me because I didn’t introduce you as much more than a friend, but I haven’t asked you to be my boyfriend. So be my boyfriend?” His baffled look erased the disdain and now only confusion surrounded that lobby.

“I am your boy-boyfriend?”she scrunched her nose, to not get mad, something that he noticed was her tell to irritation.

“I’m sorry but we didn’t officially say anything? I thought you didn’t want to associate yourself with me in that way…”he threw his arms up in the air, perplexed by how she still doubted his intentions for her.

“Why is it so hard for you to grasp the fact that I want to be with you, that I desire you and find you beautiful?

Ever since I met you I haven’t thought for even a second that you’re ugly. I’m so attracted to you and I just don’t say that in the heat of every moment that I share with you. I find you so intelligent and independent, and I know that you don’t need me. I'm so below you…” he was whisper-yelling definitely attracting some curious ears, honestly who wouldn’t want to be a bit nosy.

“And I’m tired that you always diminish who you are only because I have an education. We both are so superficial do you realize that? I can’t believe that you want to be with someone that looks this way, and you can’t believe that someone that’s so accomplished can be with you. In my mind I lack physical attraction and in your mind you lack the “intelligence” to be with me. Self validation is very important and we seem to lack that, we deserve each other Rúben whether we think so or not-” his lips crashed with hers in a very long and exposed kiss. Everyone could see them but they were worthy of expressing their love.

“I love you, I’m sorry amor…but you need to realize that you’re all I see in my life- you’re my whole world” he mumbled against her lips, forehead against forehead they only had eyes for each other, completely forgetting the world outside of their own story, there was no more hiding in front of witnesses, no more shame.

Those people would only focus on the suffering of others, waiting for them to break. They witnessed their silence, but now they could see them in their highest moments, sparkling because even rough edges glimmer and broken people can still find their true love. One that despite everything would still entertain the perfect and the damage within her, because he also only shined for her.

“I’m sorry too and I also love you” sheepish smiles and another kiss but this time initiated by her, because she could indulge in affection with her boyfriend….

“And yes I’ll be your boyfriend, I just assumed we were together…” her breathy but relieved laugh, emitted one of his own.

“I don’t know if people don’t do that now?” She didn’t know if people officially asked each other out or if labels were thrown out the window.

“It slipped my mind asking you, we said the three words and we live together, so I just assumed…” he was stuttering and to save him from embarrassment she just interrupted him.

“Let’s go home, yes? I’m sure we have a lot to fix” a messy wink created a mess of a boyfriend.

“A nice cuddle and a few kisses would do the trick, no?” He acted innocent.

“Yes…” he stopped her before they were officially out the party.

“From now on you have to show me off and I’ll do the same, our love is meant to be seen ok?” She nodded.

“I’m not a fan of public affection, but I certainly don’t mind it with you, if you haven’t noticed you’re quite sexy. It’s actually very irritating how hot you are” his face flushed and he actually giggled, creating a proud grin on her face.

But he was always so sultry “You’re actually so irresistible, there’s a few stalls here actually” his thumb was pointing behind them, but her gasp and deadpan expression made it easier for him to maneuver the both of them out of the door since she kept stumbling around.

His lips were now close to her ears as he opened the door for her“…or, here’s the car? You can choose” a tiny nibble on her earlobe and then again she was a crumbling mess, but at least she was now safe in their car, but not really safe from his wandering hands that kept traveling up her thigh.

“Rú-Rúben, you have to stop” but she was questioning herself because she really didn’t want him to stop. She was just afraid of being intimate outside of their home, but it was thrilling how much she wanted him.

“Stop the car?” His movements paused but his nonchalant expression was still making her word spin.

“You’re driving…” she hissed, he could get distracted and crash, even though he was always so calm.

“So should I stop?” A raise of his eyebrow had her fixed on his alluring lips, while she couldn’t stop squirming because yet again his fingers started to trace her thigh.

“That’s so exposed …”she was now pausing his curious fingers.

“It’s late, very late, I can park anywhere…”

“That’s not a very good idea, it’s exciting but very illegal…” a few rushed mumbled words and he was pulling over to the closest secluded spot he could find.

The fact that he was able to kiss her worry away just as fast as he pushed back the seat for her to climb on him was enough for her to feel the excitement of their little risky escapade.

He pulled aside her underwear “does this excite you amor?” He followed with a groan at their messy situation.

“Shut it baby and just please…” she was desperately trying to free him from his very tight dress pants, but she was always so clumsy that she couldn’t do it, not when he was paying extra attention to her exposed breasts. “…it’s a new car” she exclaimed in pure worry.

“We have to break it in then” she was finally less shaky and more confident, undoing a few of the buttons on his shirt and kissing his exposed skin. It was a moment for the both of them, his eyes were glossy filled with desire.

They could go slow but the thrill of it all created desperate grinding and whimpering on his part, for some unknown reason she was in charge. So she slowly felt all of him, riding a man was never something that she was comfortable doing, but she felt secure and empowered while straddling him and taking charge.

“You have to go faster baby, please go faster” he really did try to buck his hips to meet her calculated and slow movements but he was feeling too much and her eyes glistening in the darkness of the night were not helping his case, so he opted to close his eyes and enjoy all of her.

Her breathing intensified, yes they were very active, but that was in the comfort of their home and in less tight spaces and she was definitely not the one in charge.

“Baby I need you with me”he groaned at her desperate voice.

“You just feel too good like this” he clearly felt overwhelmed by the new sensations of having her so bare, his fantric voice and the way he kept digging his fingers on her thighs told her everything, but she was exhausted and also too hazy from the heat and the pleasure, his shoulders were her only form of support at the moment.

He swallows her noises as he finally thrusts into her, creating that surreal pressure in her belly. Speed was never something that they enjoyed; he had to be composed, but their need was all he could think about.

So fast and sloppy left her panting and exhausted against his chest, as Rúben was quick to follow with his own breathy and desperate moans that made contact with her neck in her last attempt to roll her hips to get rid of their last bit of pleasure.

“Stay like this” arms wrapped around her she whined at the aftershock of their situation. He didn’t want the night to end, he didn’t want to lose her warmth, they were still connected and all he did was kiss her passionately.

“We didn’t even make it to the bed” she said as their sweaty foreheads made contact.

“I’m glad you wore a dress and no bra” in her defense the dress required no bra, it was quite tight on the chest area so her boobs were pretty much held.

“Unlike you with all your stupid buttons”

“I’m a mess regardless meu amor”

“The windows are all foggy…” she looked around at their less pure surroundings, slightly frowning.

“…What if I get pregnant, love? I don’t want to ruin this but…” they were always responsible but the heat of the moment created rushed and bittersweet feelings.

“Shh baby, we’ll be ok. I doubt it will happen and if it does it’s your choice. It will always be your choice….” he gave her a tiny kiss on her forehead accompanied by his reassuring touches. “…I loved having you this way, but I promise that it will never happen again”

“I didn’t mind it, you could've pulled out but it will be a mess” he cackled at her grim expression.

“I’ll slowly pull out ok, your underwear will be our best friend…” straight to the shower with a stuttering of giggles was also the best solution. The air was extremely warm for Manchester or she still felt the wave of their pleasure, but regardless an innocent shower was desperately needed, all to quickly fall asleep.

Now cuddling in their bed ready for a short but peaceful morning, she told him just how deeply she felt for him “Do you know what I just realized?”

“What, my love?” He whispered in the calmest of tones.

“I haven’t loved as deeply with anyone else, as I have with you…I feel so much of everything. I’m not content with just anything anymore, I want it all with you”

“Even my horrible temper?” She chuckled because they definitely still bickered and got into confusing situations.

“Every argument we have is never taken out of context, I want the anger, the sadness and jealousy if it means I get to also experience your happiness, compassion and love- you give me everything”

“Also my kisses and cuddles right?…” He said that while kissing her and interrupting her giggles “…cause I would die without yours”

“And don’t forget the reckless car sex”

“Would you ever do that again?” His hopeful eyes met her shiny ones, clearly reminiscing their night.

“It really was exciting how exposed we were, even though we were in the middle of nowhere, it’s not private” she felt her cheeks heat up, but she had no shame, not anymore.

“I’ll do anything with you- for you. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that I don’t have a purpose without you, for the rest of my life I’ll belong to you…and I have no doubt that you feel exactly the same. I have flaws and so do you, but we look past them because we believe we’re perfect, so I guess I’ll keep proving just how much I love you, I’ll keep making you fall in love with me”

“You convinced me that love is real, everyday you do something new, little things that drive me crazy”

“I guess you won’t tell me about those little things?”

“Nope, but I do love when you cook shirtless”

“Is that your way of saying you're hungry now?”

“Yes, but no smoothies” she smiled against his sudden kiss.

“I wasn’t going to make any smoothies for us, I saw this new French breakfast that I want to make”

“I take it as a surprise?”

“Definitely, but it does have some sweetness to it” he was sitting on the edge of the bed, until a hesitant hand was placed on his exposed shoulder.

“Rúben before you go, I’m sorry about yesterday, for pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I probably reminded you of the person I was when you first met me…” he turned his head to look at her and he smiled, he had already forgiven her.

“And I still fell in love with you. Sometimes we have to blend in to survive, but just know that you don’t have to do that with me” she kissed his shoulder letting him walk away so he could get started with his day.

She very dramatically fell back, thinking about her new life. She was resentful before she met him, keeping every little detail in her mind in case someone was to hurt her again. So in a way, to fit in, she kept tabs on all of her friends.

She left all of that behind and he was also learning to stop being resentful. He apologized to his family, even though it wasn’t really his fault. Yes he left very abruptly but they hurt him long before that, but he didn’t care, not when he was starting over, trying to prove them wrong but also himself.

He wasn’t threatened by her success, he was threatened by the idea that his lack of own accomplishments would make him lose her. He believed that he wasn’t worthy of her love, that he didn’t deserve such a beautiful woman, but she wasn’t letting him go. She couldn’t because she also believed that she wasn’t enough for him. Those were horrible thoughts that were painted or rather rooted deep into their minds, but their hearts were the ones that decided for them now.

“It smells like French toast? Is that really French?”he laughed at her confusion and honestly he had no idea himself.

“I have no clue actually, but I bought this loaf of bread at a French shop and they told me to make French toast so I did and I actually found a very believable recipe on a French woman’s blog”

“Well I trust you because it smells divine”

“Can you cut the strawberries please?” She moved along to find the cutting board, hurriedly grabbing the already washed fruit from the fridge.

“Do you want to watch a film?”

“Yeah, as long as it isn’t that stupid Kissing Booth one”sure it was a silly movie, but it was cheeky and funny in a way. A guilty watch just to remember her teen years, she wasn’t expecting an indignant Rúben sitting next to her and commenting on every little annoying trait that the characters possessed.

“Don’t pretend like you weren’t invested in the movie”

“I wasn’t?” He shook his head with a tiny smile as he soaked the toast in the egg liquid.

“Then I won’t even torture you with the other two movies”

“Two!”

“Yes two? Literally one of the cheesiest scripts ever. Those were torturous to watch, maybe because I was no longer eighteen to really get invested”

“So those movies are over a decade old?”

“Yes, to be fair I haven’t finished watching them…”

“We should watch them?…” he said that so nonchalantly and she would have laughed but she opted to just nod with a smirk. “…are you going to make the coffee?”

“Yes, the fruit is ready…”in a heartbeat, breakfast was finished and they got comfy watching the movie, a very grumpy tulip sitting in between them. Once in a while Rúben would give her a tiny nibble of food. There was nothing cuter than a muscular man with a cute little orange cat. According to the vets, tulip wasn’t going to grow much which concerned Rúben.

“Did you feed her?” The second movie was done and they were relieved.

“Yes”

“She’s so rare, an orange female cat and she won’t grow. Oh! And she loves me more than you”

“Not when she’s mad, if you hurt me, you hurt her” he winced looking back at the time when both of them were so mad at him.

“At least I apologized unlike that stupid whiny Noah”

“See, you’re too invested!”

“I think she shouldn’t go to Harvard or Berkeley” Rúben was a yapper during movies, if he wasn’t commenting he was grunting or rather cringing at the scenes. While she loved to discuss movies but only after the credits, he never listened.

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see because unlike them we have to be productive adults” Tulip was now off to play and make a mess of litter, but in their eyes she was an angel.

“Ok, a bit of cleaning- you dishes, me laundry?” He had a teasing smile because if she hated anything it was washing dishes.

“As if, you always make a mess with dishes, you use too many”

“Fine, I’ll let it slide this time” a victory dance later and she was done with laundry. After all, his dark clothes compared to the rainbow of colors she now wore made laundry easier.

“What do we need to do next?” He jumped a bit, but he still pulled her in for a hug and a soft kiss.

“I missed you”

“I missed you too, so shopping?…” He shook his head “…I guess we could cuddle until Monday?”

“Perfect I can’t wait for our new routine, I’m ready to prove everyone wrong and I just know that being with the love of my life will make it ten times better”

“I love you so much, do you know that?”

“I didn’t, but now I know…” she rolled her eyes and all he did was interrupt her laugh with a kiss, as he mumbled “and I love you too…”

And he did cuddle her until Monday since they would have to get used to a lot of longing. Their routine was relaxing because having someone to come home to was also comforting. They started a secure and serious committed relationship that by the looks of it was going to last forever.

She had so much to say and feel that she put all of that energy into a tiny short story and little by little her fantasy of being a writer was awakened, and it didn’t help that he encouraged her to publish everything.

But her dreams were his and vice versa, it made it easier knowing that they weren’t just dreams to them. They had so much that they wanted to accomplish together. Realistically they couldn’t do much but Rúben loved her more than anything and he wanted her to be successful and satisfied with her life, so every little dream she had he made it happen.

She could become a writer, a book was in the works for her, but all she wanted was true love and she finally found her peace. She found the person that would shine with her, in their own privacy but not in secret. Being exposed used to be beautiful for her, because being hushed was shameful. Until she realized that hushed was only beautiful with true love and not forbidden affairs.

With the attention that she received from the fakeness in the world she eventually found herself shining for just one boy. Showing him every version that she deemed unworthy, until he created and unapologetically added to her stories.

The broken pieces were glued together and she was able to show off without needing to fit in, to perform. The only thing she was a natural at was accepting herself for what she truly loved and who she became when she realized that she could make mistakes without being judged.

She was free from the burden and pressure of outside influences and the lack of self validation and only there she was able to fly and find peace within herself. Achieving new dreams and goals along with Rúben, because he was her mirrorball- a reflection of every shiny and broken version of her story.

The End…

a/n: I hope you enjoy the story, sorry if there were any spelling mistakes but I got confused with all the words. I will also be posting a masterlist where AU’s will be found. The Trent AU will be posted soon, but I’ll probably post another Ruben story after this, to respect your picks from the poll.- Lots of love, Nat 🖤

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(This tag-list includes everyone that has asked me, if you want to be removed or added you can always let me know, and if your name is crossed out that means that you’ve changed your username)

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