i have decided to just delete this blog and my multi and remake when i have the energy and stuff<3 as a fresh start. which is going to be soon because summer is right around the corner, but!

𝙷𝙰𝙻𝚃 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙲𝙰𝚃𝙲𝙷 𝙵𝙸𝚁𝙴 ( 𝙷𝙲𝙵 ) : 𝙰𝙽 𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙻𝚈 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙿𝚄𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙼𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙼𝙰𝙲𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙴 𝙸𝙽𝚃𝙾 𝙰 𝚁𝙰𝙲𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝙳𝙸𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽, 𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙲𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙰𝙻𝙻 𝙸𝙽𝚂𝚃𝚁𝚄𝙲𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂 𝚃𝙾 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙿𝙴𝚃𝙴 𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙷 𝙴𝙰𝙲𝙷 𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝚃 𝙾𝙽𝙲𝙴. 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚃𝚁𝙾𝙻 𝙾𝙵 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙿𝚄𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙲𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝙽𝙾𝚃 𝙱𝙴 𝚁𝙴𝙶𝙰𝙸𝙽𝙴𝙳._

joe : nathan's making a mistake selling off so soon. company's worth at least 20% more than this valuation. gordon : well, i think it was a mistake to burn a truck full of our computers & then go running off into the woods.

“ this is your cut minus the first shipment that you burned. you get nothing. not one red cent. now, you go ahead & you sue my ass if you want to because i'd love nothing better than to tell a jury what you did here. you destroy lives. & for what ? a doorstop of a computer with a fancy screen . . .

                     & no legacy. ”

i feel like there's a lot of goodness in me, a lot of greatness, but i can't get it out of me. i can't give it to the world. i have ideas. i'm not an echo. i make things in my mind, but i can't get them into the world. ... online could be more ... the future is bearing down on us like a freight train and nobody sees it.

security splash magazine, pg 14 : macmillan utility nets 10 million dollar backing for new 'anti-virus' software venture.

ryan : you're ruining the product. joe : i am the product. ryan : i know.

                     COMPUTERS AREN'T THE THING. THEY'RE THE THING THAT GETS US TO THE THING.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET Bones and All (2022)

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET as Lee in Bones and All (2022) 

✉ ¹ , … @thyvein / “ DON'T WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY? ”

you study her with a mild disinterest. 'cause the answer is a whopping hell fucking no, but that's gonna dredge up a talk you don't wanna have. you look at it this way: nobody deserves anything. good or bad, you gotta work for shit instead of being entitled to it. happiness included. mean, yeah sure, you can have happy moments here and there — like teaching kayla and maren how to drive, or going to an amusement park — but in general? nah. 'course sometimes you wish you could be truly happy but like a lot of other things, it's not in your deck of cards. you'd argue that you deserve to be unhappy, given all the shit you've done. the killing, screwing over kayla and mom, and god knows what else. just a fact you have to bite down and bear. and another thing on your laundry list of pointless things to think about. or talk about.

“ i dunno. ” propped up on your elbow, wondering what sparked the question in the first place. and then you parry the ball into her field with: “ ... why even ask that? like, it's kind of a stupid question. no offense. ” then rolling onto your back, hands behind your head and a leg draped off the bed. “ — you already know the answer. right? it's like asking if water is wet. ”

you rehome the cigarette plucked from dallas' hand in a glower that spills smoke. he's like a matchbox anticipating a spark at anything you say, even when you wanna diffuse him. you can count on your hand how many times a conversation hasn't went to shit. but you're able to brace through his punches, sometimes literally. left black and blue in the aftermath of getting real heated. but it's how the both of you blow off steam. one time he left-hooked you so hard, the world spun for a minute. maybe that was more than once, actually. the discarded beer can meets a light kick as you push off the wall to start walking around. shoulders skyward and hands shoved into pockets. eyes on the ground. “ — if i'm a kid, what's that make you? ” he's only got a year on you, but acts like he's got ten. “ don't matter. forgot what i was gonna say, anyway. ” you didn't, but you got a feeling that telling him is just gonna escalate this. better put a stop to it before shit gets out of hand — still probably gonna happen, though.

his expression contorts, scowl twisting into an ugly confused aberration that doesn't suit him. he sucks on his teeth a moment, watching, but then expression smooths out into his requisite glower, fire dimmed somewhat, & he waves a hand in lee's direction. whatever. ❛     maybe you needa see a head doctor an' stop playin' at bein' one.     ❜ no one else really talks back to him in this sort of a way. two-bit perhaps is the closest in the way dallas rolls off his back like water off a duck's most days, but hell, two-bit don't let nothing faze him often. the others are too scared of setting him off, & johnny worships the ground he walks on. he likes the little family he's cultivated with the curtises & their friends, but always knowing what to expect with them can get a little dull sometimes. figures that's why he's friends with tim, too. that's more on his level. beer's empty & he shakes out the last few drops onto his tongue before crushing it & dropping it carelessly to the ground. eyes lee's stretched out hand, takes another long drag before passing the smoke over. ❛     naw, don't do that, kid. i ain't gonna just pretend like you didn't say shit. what'd you mean now ? i wanna know.     ❜

Sorry if I’m a bit of a weirdo freak that’s kinda my whole thing

What was it like? A rush. You could feel every blood vessel like spider webbing through me. I felt like some kind of weird new superhero.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET as Lee in Bones and All (2022)

✉ ¹ , … @coastercrushed / “ DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME? ”

maybe you do. maybe you don't. either way, you don't wanna think about it. that question is way too fucking loaded and you wish he hadn't of asked it. like, how the hell do you even answer? christ. why did he have to break away from his usual script of saying something stupid? now he's stuck you between a rock and a hard place (giving him a real answer or making him regret asking — but being honest might do that, anyway). you're not used to meaning anything to anyone. and that's on purpose. teeth dig into the inside of your cheek, fingers pull through your hair. foot starts tapping against the ground. neck rolls to the right and then the left, before settling look up at the stars.

“ i dunno. do i? ” because you know what he means to you, and you figure it's around the same. and then you sigh with a shake of your head. “ i mean... i can take a guess. — prob'bly more than i should, huh? ” and you shouldn't at all. this is what you get for letting whatever's happening go too far. but dammit, mapplethorpe's got a hold on you. and you hate it.

✉ ¹ , … @thegcng / “ DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE? ”

yeah, maybe when you were a kid. even then, you knew it wasn't a thought to get stuck on; even before learning you were a chip off the fucked up, tearing into people with your teeth old block. 'cause what ten year old wouldn't look at their dad and wonder if that's what you're gonna be like down the line? pissing on walls, tripping over beer bottles — cussing out your wife and kids. smacking them around every now and again. too little to even worry about what you're gonna do needing to eat people. (wide-eyeing you out of the gap of duct tape; reflecting the question: is this what's waiting for me? needing to drink away the guilt of what you've done? — do? the aftermath, when his taste rotting your mouth, is when you decided to not feel bad about what you are. or for delivering karmic justice.) your future was fucked from the start. lingering on it just made shit a lot worse.

and living the way you dims it, anyway. never know what could happen. so, “ nah. not really. ” answered quickly, but not defensively. more like it is what it is. “ i'm kind of a live in the moment kinda guy. y'know? ” that should tell him all he needs to know. and that this isn't something you like to talk about. he can have fun guessing why. you watch the ice clink against the cup when stirring the drink in front of you.

✉ ¹ , ... @dracabre / “ YOU'RE NOT A VERY CONVINCING LIAR. ”

oh, that's fucking hilarious. yeah. tell that to your whole life spent spouting bullshit; about what you are, where you've been — get the idea. this is a new one. maybe you should take it in stride as a testament to how good of a liar you are. rolling off your tongue so easily that you stand accused of being a sham. you could defend yourself, but what's the point? you'd be wasting your breath. and you don't owe an excuse, anyway. not your problem. “ whatever you say, ” comes with a shrug, because yes. you are.

@belmar.tattoo on Instagram

i love u characters who are victims who don't show things in a way that's appealing i love u characters whos trauma leaves them with anger issues, with violence issues, with issues with connection and trust and being truthful i love you characters who don't get "better" in a way that's palatable, who don't find growth and meaning in their trauma

BONES AND ALL (2022)

I know the soul that you struggle to save

swear you're the only one able to stomach dally in the way he needs to be. bitter on the way down with a mean aftertaste, but you were already used to that before even meeting him. he tried scaring you off at first with all his jagged edges protruding from a hatred of the world. but jokes on him, 'cause you're that way, too. you just take it out more on yourself than other people. well, you did before you learned the life-saver that's boxing feelings up to collect dust (sweating stuff out does more harm than good). that, and you don't go around breaking bones for fun. or stirring shit up for no reason. guess we all got out ways of coping — his are just hurling fists, insults, and aiming the bottoms broken beer bottles (and sometimes a gun). oh, and cigarettes. at least you got vices in common.

and a dislike for people. he's got you beat on that one, though. but it's why you're standing beside him, also leaned against the wall, admiring how his face looks in the lowlight from the corner of your eye. makes him look more menacing than he already does, 'specially with the cuts and bruises. “ — that's what i do in my spare time, ” is your unbothered retort to his bark. and then you're holding a hand out for a sip of beer or pull off the cigarette, expecting him to be unwilling to share. not gonna stop you from trying though. you downed a can back in the house and smoked the last of your pack before getting here. maybe he can see your eyeroll. “ no, i'm not. — whatever, dally. forget about it. alright? like i didn't even say anything. ”

* @andeat … " do whatever you gotta do. "

the sharp angles of his face are lit with an orange glow in the dark light, cancer stick dangling from lips as he leans against the house in the darkened yard of buck's place, hand around a can of beer, & the muffled sounds of hank goddamn williams coming through the walls. a glance in lee's direction, BRIGHT BLUES like ice in the harsh light. wine-colored bruises reshape the contours of his face, & there's a cut on his lip that he keeps absent-mindedly worrying. it'd be near-healed by now if he hadn't. ❛     since when're you a goddamn shrink ?     ❜ there's a scowl on his face as he takes a drag on the cigarette & then a swig of beer, free hand reaching up to push his hair off his face. ❛     kinda a stupid thing t'say.     ❜ shoulders roll back, cigarette & beer now in the same hand. he sticks out his tongue a little, toying with the cut on his lip. ❛     i already do what i gotta do. you sayin' you don't ?    ❜

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET as Lee in Bones and All (2022)