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Breathe
You Are Not Weak Just Because You're Hurting
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People nowadays don’t understand love. But they pretend to. They pretend love is the right words said at the right time. Or the look that gives you butterflies on the first date. Or making up after an argument or liking the same things. They pretend to know love so that they can seek it out and find comfort in it. But the secret is, no one knows love. No one ever will. Because love isn’t a thing. It isn’t a blanket that covers whatever it lays on. Love is unique to every pair of individuals. Love is what makes your heart beat when it’s tired, no matter what that may be. Love is the connection that doesn’t die out despite time or distance or circumstance. Love is the fact she looks at you the same way after two years. Love is the laugh she makes when you do the same stupid thing for the 5th time but it still lights her world up. Love is the person you go to when you can’t even move. Love is comfort in hearing their voice after a long day. Love is the conversation that resolves the argument. Love is tearing down the walls that make you feel safe so they can get to you. It builds you up and humbles you and sometimes it feels like it’s going away, but that’s just to let you know how important it is, and to remind you it’s been there so much longer than you realized. Love is the song that plays on the radio at the perfect time, just to make you wish you could hear her sing it. It’s difficult. Tiring. And sometimes painful. But it’s also caring, comforting, safe, powerful, and happy. Love is whatever she makes me feel in that moment. And whatever I feel in the next. She is love. And my love has found it’s home in her.
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“I like people with depth, I like people with emotion, I like people with a strong mind, an interesting mind, a twisted mind, and also someone that can make me smile.”
— Abbey Lee Kershaw (via quotemadness)
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““You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.” - Oscar Wilde”
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I’m one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.
So... if you see me being mean to someone
Trust me, they earned it
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To feel unwanted is one the worse feeling ever. You lose self-esteem. You start to hate everything about yourself. You feel unattractive. You become self conscious. You doubt everything about yourself.
To feel loved in a relationship keeps everything going. No matter how hard it becomes you always come on top. You fight for the relationship. You work everything that’s bad in the relationship. You overcome speed bumps together because you know the other person loves you, wants you to be in their life.
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The Way Things Played Out
Time to be real and give it to you straight
The simple present of being in your presence was truly great
I know sometimes shit really sucked and sometimes it got really rough
But simply being in your arms, man I promise that was enough
Now I don’t mean to assume
Cause some people think it’s rude
And I know it always bothered you
So without trying to intrude
And without further ado
I’d like to say that I think it meant as much to me as it did to you
I know it’s been a while since I poured out what’s left of my heart
All the pain that I caused you I promise I didn’t mean to start
So I’m taking this opportunity to apologize for my part
In making those tears roll down your face
It wasn’t my intention I hope you know that’s the case
You were more than the world to me
Tried every day to make that clear to see
Yeah I pushed you away from me
I was just trying to protect you from myself, maybe now you can see
That when we were together
Nothing else really existed
I know we had our chance
And lately we been sayin that we missed it
But now that I think about it
I don’t believe that’s the truth
That chance had us sitting together, eating lunch in a small booth
And that made me look into your eyes
Swear when I did that I could never lie
That look could get me lost
But it made me wanna try
And no matter how hard I did,
I still felt like I was failing you
Even if you said it wasn’t true
So I tried to let you go
Thought that was all I could do
But that just ended up hurting us both
Took a huge toll on my heart
No matter the problem or situation, I never wanted to be apart
Swear that kind of love will drive you crazy
Hell it made me mad
Cause i knew deep in my heart you were the best I’d ever had
I was quite a bit younger and didn’t understand a lot of things
But when you told me you loved me it felt like you gave me wings
I didn’t know how to handle the type of love that we had
Cause sometimes it made me mad
And sometimes it made me glad
But I didn’t show it that well when I was sad
That was truly my bad
Cause nothing i say can ever repay
Or make up for the way
That things ended up playing out
I blame myself fully for that, no doubt
I’m glad that we made up
And I hope that this rhyme doesn’t disrupt
What you’ve got going on
But i had to tell you one on one
That what I say is sincere
I truly wish you were here
Cause these feelings still run deep my dear
I’m sorry isn’t near enough
Knowing that is really rough
But at least i’ve grown to be tough
Not gonna lie, you still make me weak
And is you so chose to wreck my heart
I can’t imagine the havoc you could wreak
Cause that place is still all yours
I water the flowers regularly with the love that still runs deep
Visiting that place is done carefully
It’s treacherous waters
Gotta be careful I don’t drown
But if i ever hurt you like that again
I’ll gladly let myself go down
Into those deep waters
We both know i deserve it
After what i put us through
Hell, i don’t deserve sh*t
But you know if we had made it
We would look so good together
Still be that dream couple surviving the weather
But shit rolls downhill
And after what I pulled i was left looking up at you
A fallen angel
Someone i could never get to
In my head you could always have done better
And when people ask about you
I’ll reply i'm just glad i met her
You changed my world
Rocked it to its core
You say it’s all in the past now
But I’m not so sure
These memories stay in place
Those feelings don’t even fade
May not call you the same
But an irreversible connection was made
Thought our story ended sad
But i don’t think it’s done yet
Started the day we met
And nothing in stone is set
Cause we made the friendship last
Despite all the past
So yeah, i think the shit we’ve got will continue to last
Always be my friend
Always be yours
Straight outta my soul
This companionship pours
So i guess i wrote this to tell you
I still feel bad about the way things played out
And to tell you i still care about you
Always and forever, without a doubt
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Rearranged
You’ve been so distant lately that it seems impossible to reach you
Don’t have a lot of time but when I do,
It’s your walls I’m tryna break through
I’m trying really hard, I promise you I am
Don’t get me wrong I know you’re struggling too but d*mn
Feels like we’re never on the same page and I’ve got no clue how to fix it
Screaming in my head 24/7 I’m finding it difficult to not hit sh*t
Do you know how much it sucks to have to push these feelings out through my hand?
I don’t know any other way so through this I hope you understand
Cause I can never just say the right words
I’ve gotta edit and revise
Maybe this way I’ll get through to you and we can compromise
I know I don’t make it easy, I’m stuck in my head most of the day
But when there’s so much I've got to think about
It’s really hard to find the words to say
I want you to know right now that you're not the one to blame
Sometimes it just feels like life is a cruel fucking game
I understand how you feel and I get that you’re in pain
It would really suck if all this time and effort was in vain
I know I’m not the person I used to be and I’ve changed since you met me
I haven't been that easy to reach either, and for that I’m truly sorry
I hate that this is hurting you, just know that I’m in pain too
If I could make everything all okay, please know I’d do that for you
Cause fact of the matter is these feelings haven’t changed
Even though our situation is different and our life has been rearranged
You probably don’t wanna hear that though
Cause you told me not to talk about that stuff
But when you’re such a big part of my life not mentioning that word is kind of tough
I know you said you never wanted to feel this way again
It sucks even more cause I really thought this time we’d win
But this loss really has me feeling some type of way
Everything in me just wants to make it all okay
It’s really a shame cause I’m convinced It’s simply the wrong time
Out here feeling guilty like I committed some sort of crime
No matter how this plays out I’ll still be here for sure
You know anything we go through, for you I will endure
Anyways, I guess that’s all I’ve got to say
I’m really sorry everything that’s happened made you feel this way
Really sucks right now but I guess it’s the price to pay
Who knows, maybe it’ll be the right time some day
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Reaching Out
Gotta let you know how I been feeling
Gotta let you know that haven’t been dealing
With these emotions even though I’m trying
Just feel like opening that door would leave me crying
I’m sick n tired of rehearsing
Sick and tired of trying for perfect verses
Cause no matter what
These words aren’t going to come out right
Whatever emotion I’m feeling
Never the right type
Cause I can’t cope with these thoughts so late at night
Too many times by someone I’ve been changed
Now I’m lying on the ground all rearranged
Used to feel all excited and delighted
Those were the days
Now all I’m feelin is negative
Bunch of different ways
Not only feeling bad when nothing’s my fault
But feelin sad even though I’m an adult
Cause when I was young
All I wanted was to grow up
Be big and strong
Take care of myself, pour my own cup
But now I’m so cold and feeling all alone
No one to keep me warm
No place to really call home
Cause if home is where the heart is
Then I don’t really have one
It’s been broken too many times
And it said it’s done
Guess I can’t really blame it though
Looking around, I’m at an all time low
Don’t really know what more I’m able to do
Wanna give up, throw in the towel and just be through
Cause I really don’t know how it could get better
If someone lent a helping hand
I don’t know if I’d let her
Know I’ve got a problem not only asking but accepting help
Guess I wanna say I got the strength to do this myself
I’m starting to really doubt that the more I go on
Used to pour out my feelings till all the pressure was gone
And lately I’ve been feeling a lot of it
I’m so stressed
Feelin like I got no way to decompress
So I sit all alone, yeah, depressed
Maybe I should reach out, but I don’t wanna make a mess
It’s truly okay if you no longer want to stay
I understand, it’s not like I was expecting it anyway
Everyone comes, everyone goes
That’s just how life tends to flow
Keep hoping in time I’ll find that someone truly doesn’t wanna go
But staying and dealing with me can take a lot of effort
And really drain someone
Nobody wants to put in the time
Cause they know it isn’t fun
I feel really bad
Cause I truly wanna be a better person
All I am right now is someone hurting
Feelin a lot of emotion
I know everything in my head can be too much
Maybe even confusing
But please realize it’s been trapped in my mind
And it’s leaving a bruising
So yeah, this is me reaching for a helping hand
Help save me from myself
I’m ready to take a stand
Right beside you, not using you as a crutch
Imma help you too, promise I’ll be coming in clutch
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Not My Crutch
Gonna write some lines that I really hope you listen to
Cause the stuff I’m about to say really needs to get through to you
Your voice will calm my nerves
And your smile will make the tears stop
Won’t use you as a crutch
But without you, to the floor I would drop
Motionless on the ground
Because your strength has helped me make it
May think it’s a lie
But when it comes to you, I can’t fake sh*t
I’ll break it down into pieces
So it’s easy to understand
You may be my best friend
But I still wanna hold your hand
Just feel like it would solve my problems
Even though that isn’t your purpose
Not saying I want romance
Cause I know that’s not really for us
Just feel like bein around you
Would make life so much better
Don’t exactly know why
But i think if anyone asked, I’d call you Heather
Probably cause everything about you is something to adore
Even though I know there’s a lot you’ve had to endure
But when I look at you, I know what i'm feeling is safe
One hundred percent secure
That kind of thing is really rare
So know imma hold onto it
If there’s anyone that hasn’t
Girl, just know they ain’t sh*t
Though that may be hard to trust
Explain it i must
Cause if i don’t, i feel i might just bust…
Wide open, like something that’s been broken
Tryna mitigate the risk and hand over this token…
Of my trust and love
So please treat it with care
This may be the last chip I have
But with you I’ll gladly share
You gotta know that you’re incredible
A sight truly to behold
Hope we’ll at least be friends
Until we gray and old
Want you to know
I appreciate all that you do
But I really need you to know
That in a heartbeat, I’ll do the same for you
I know you been through some deep shit
Don’t you dare think that I can’t see it
When I look deep into your eyes...
Please know that it’s okay to cry
And not always have those walls up so high
Cause we both know that I’m short
But I’ll never stop till I get through to you
I never wanna cause you pain
Please know that will always reign true
This story is your own
So write it how you want
I’ll support you through and through
Make myself your confidant
Now strength comes with sacrifice
And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
But you don’t have to be tough all the time
Not around me, not any longer
Care so much about everything
You deserve all that life has to give
Especially someone that treats you just right
As long as you shall live
Someone that goes above and beyond every day for you
Making sure you know their love is pure and their intentions true
Someone who gives you space
But knows exactly what to do
Without you having to give them a single clue
Not gonna lie
A part of my heart hopes someday that’ll be me
And even though you’re way outta my league
That part is still hoping it’ll come to be
But anyways, ignore that
Cause I think you heard what you needed to
Just know one last thing-
Every word I said was true
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Headspace
Haven’t done this in a while so I don’t really know where to start
Guess I really missed writing stuff down straight from the heart
These feelings don’t come easy
Don’t always flow out like you might think
I can’t ever get the right words
Without at least a hitch or a kink
Try hard as I might
I feel like I been losing this fight
So don’t blame me if these words aren’t coming out just right
Cause I know people expect greatness
And i really wish i could deliver
Feels like everything in my head has been scrambled since i haven’t been with her
People been sayin it’ll get better
But it isn’t that easy to believe them
It’ll be easier to understand with insight
So here, lemme give you some
Every time i get a thought
You should know there’s a dark place it came from
And that I been stuck in my bed
Trapped up here inside my head
Insomnia is a bitch
So awful things i start to dread
All of a sudden these feelings just started coming out
Left me feelin like I’m stuck in a well during a drought
Not drowning but i’m stuck
Feelin completely and entirely out of luck
Wish I could really just stop giving a f*ck
Now you could look at me and study me for hours and hours
But it’s easier to just tell you that the me inside my head still cowers
Sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of this
I struggle every day over old habits that I still miss
I have a problem asking for help
Honestly it’s pretty bad
It’s probably one of the worst problems I’ve ever had
And trust me, I’ve had a lot
Way too many to count
I doubt I’ll ever solve them
No matter the amount
Maybe I’ll just sleep earlier
But as I said before, insomnia is a bitch
It’s like everything in my head is going on the fritz
But besides all of that
I promise I’m fine
Cause they say to just give it time
Yet there’s one more problem
I don’t know how much of that is mine
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Mental Picture
If I could take a mental picture of the look you give me, I swear to you I would gaze at it every day. I would memorize the depth of your eyes. I would take note of how the light hits your hair. I would be sure to know every mark on your skin. I would get lost in you, every detail. I would add to this picture every sense that you trigger within me, like the smell of your hair that seems to emanate through my body. I’d add in the little details, like the softness of your skin, and how your words can be gentle and biting at the same time. How the smallest, most subtle gold specs lay deep in your eyes, as if they float below the surface. I may even be so bold as to add in how your hair seems to reflect the sunlight in subtle hues, variants of its own color. I would have you memorized completely and entirely. The exact pressure of every touch. The curve of your lips and how your hair falls in your face. I swear to you I would think about it every day. But it seems as though my mind is incapable of doing such, for every time I see you, I notice more, or what I remember just doesn’t quite do you justice. I am of the belief that the human brain just isn’t good enough to be accurate to your magnificent detail. It can’t handle the different inflictions in your voice depending on your mood. Nor can it handle how intense and complicated your soul is. Sometimes, when you hold me, I’m not completely sure I can either. Simply because, how can someone be so complex and extreme, but in a subtle way while wrapping around me so gently? Everything about you defies normalcy. But that is so much more than okay. Normal is boring, and you bring me to life.
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