ummm God? The teenagers you put on earth to argue on tiktok are frolicking in a field. Yeah there’s no discourse about slurs. I’m so sorry to tell you this but they’re following a group of butterflies with open wonder. They’re eating wild strawberries fresh off the vine. Oh Christ they aren’t even doing any TikTok dances

Light hearted modern AU where Gideon gets raised by Wake and Pyrrha.

Gideon is trained by the both of them in different fighting styles and they work out as a family. She isn’t aware of how good she is compared to others because her parents still put her on the ground regularly.

She’s super embarrassed about them sometimes. Wake will pick fights with anyone ever while Pyrrha’s default setting is flirting with everyone that comes into their path. It doesn’t help that her parents are milfs- she was in more than one fight over boys making gross comments.

The fact that Gideon has literally no game is a source of great controversy with Wake. She switches between thinking that it’s hilarious and just plain sad. Pyrrha tries to be helpful but her advice isn’t helpful. Gideon would love less comments all round.

Pyrrha likes Harrow immediately because she always liked people who were a little poky. Wake took longer and it was only after she saw Harrow chew someone out so much they almost cried.

more catholic school au now with vengeful ghost milfs and Nono in her tank

the locked tomb is the best book series because it asks the question what if god was a loser dad, what if god was just a sopping pathetic mess who also had more power than anyone could fathom what then

shoutout to naberius tern for having the most objectively hilarious fate of any male character ever. imagine being described as having perfect hair and an obscene number of abdominal muscles and the shitty personality of an archetypal YA love interest and instead of getting sexymanified to hell and back you become the human granola bar/meat puppet of the nastiest, wettest, creepiest lesbian to ever grace the pages of a book. rest in fucking piss i guess.

Can you imagine the sheer fucking fury Abigail and Magnus would have had if they hadn't died and learned that not only was Abigail expected to kill Magnus but also that their more or less adopted children were expected to kill one another? God help Jod because Abigail would have burned the nine fucking houses down for him daring to demand children to murder their closest friend.

My favorite thing about the gideon the ninth/tlt fandom is the way everyone talks about the characters.

In every other fandom it's like "ugh, my perfect child. They are so cute and wonderful and I will always protect them."

But in tlt, it's like "oh no, my sopping wet bundle of overused pipe cleaners is in psychosis again. She's sweating blood and hasn't slept in 4 days. And look, over there, it's my traumatized butch lesbian corpse with literal god-tier daddy issues once again fumbling the bag with a beautiful woman. She's a complete gay disaster. They both have never and maybe will never know peace. They desperately need therapy. Shipping them is like standing in the middle of an active nuclear explosion with your mouth open and arms spread. Yes, they are my comfort characters."

Featuring guest appearances by: "There's the gangly pale evil one. Whenever she's present on the page my skin feels too tight on my bones in a really unpleasant way. She's my favorite, and I think she's eating someone's earlobe right now."

I love it I hope we never change.

Got a kofi to draw what I want so I decided to do a comic! I always really loved this scene from Nona the Ninth for some reason (I love Wake) and so here’s an interpretation of it. I challenged myself to only take the same time on it as I would a single page kofi (tho I still went over a bit) so it’s more painterly than usual, but it was a cool thing to try and do :>

“What if I don’t like me?” [Nona] said. But Pyrrha didn’t seem to understand. “Well, you’ll probably start visiting clubs and trying to hit on the dancers, and going from relationship to relationship not really being able to commit.”

-Pyrrha Dve, unattainable MILF of the myriad

Thinking about how Pyrrha asked Wake if Pash was really a nice kid and Wake laughed and said of course not she's related to me. And then Pyrrha got to spend time with Gideon and Gideon was Like That and Pyrrha must have thought back to that moment a few times. And she still wanted her because it doesn't matter who the sperm donor was that's their kid. Their mean bitter traumatised sarcastic scared little girl. I'm just gonna curl up for a sec excuse me

Can you imagine how hard ianthe's brain would explode if she saw the saint of duty call Harrowhark nonagesimus "num-nums" I can't stop thinking about this

If I could put a little kiss on the forehead of everyone who does fanart of The Locked Tomb series I would, I love all of you.

To celebrate my roommate finishing the book here are some Nona the Ninth memes

Hands down, the funniest thing to come out of my Locked Tomb reread is the fact that Gideon the First is very obviously Going Through It in HtN and literally no one gives a fuck. Aside from the fact that Pyrrha periodically takes control of his mind without his knowledge, so he has probably believed he’s insane for the past ten thousand years, this poor bitch knew ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL about the Ninth House Operation. Gideon and Pyrrha both fully believed that they had murdered their own child along with their girlfriend twenty years ago. 

Like, without context, it’s easy to miss when you’re reading it for the first time. I just kind of assumed that they had figured out that baby Gideon wasn’t theirs sometime before they shot down Wake’s shuttle, BUT NO. These absolute sadsacks had NO FUCKING CLUE why their batshit girlfriend brought their newborn baby on a suicide mission and were living with that shit for TWENTY YEARS. And their closest friends literally couldn’t give less of a shit. Like, Harrow had good reason to not care, but Mercy and Augustine were fully on board with Harrow murdering Gideon, no questions asked. Gideon was very obviously seriously upset about the whole Wake situation, and they clearly exploited that to get him out of the room during Dios Apate Minor 2.0. THEN, when Wake is infecting Cytherea and Harrow’s bodies and fully tried to murder them, Pyrrha’s only reaction is to stroke her face and ask the question obviously plaguing her for two decades; “Why did you bring along the baby?” 

Like, fuck, man.

AND NOT TO MENTION, poor Gideon the First literally died without ever learning the answer. Pyrrha eventually found out, sure, but the Resurrection Beasts killed Gideon before the whole thing was revealed.

So this poor bitch was walking around fully believing that he had murdered two whole girlfriends and his newborn kid, probably nearing Harrow-levels of insanity due to botching the lyctor process, literally only wanting answers for whatever the fuck is going on in his brain, and his only friends could not give less of a shit. And to top it all off, he died before ever getting those answers.

Absolutely iconic. If he’d shown a modicum of backbone ever, I might feel a bit worse for him, but as it stands: fucking hilarious. 

HI JUST FINISHED. A FINAL. THIS IS WHAT IT WAS. HAVE SOME GRIDDLEHARK ARRANGED MARRIAGE STORYBOARDS

saw a very funny take like if you actually think pyrrha would genuinely disapprove of griddlehark because it’s ‘unhealthy’ even in an AU you have been poisoned by momaganda.

pyrrha absolutely is wonderful and maternal but this is also the woman who romanced the leader of an enemy faction using the body of her best friend, who she loved enough that she either willingly died for him or continued to love him after he killed her and ate (most of) her soul. if someone told her harrow had so much of gideon’s blood on her hands that she could open the locked tomb when they were preteens she’d probably flash back fondly to the first time wake almost killed her. AU pyrrha would watch kiddie harrow and gideon going absolutely apeshit on each other at the playground and immediately try to coordinate a play date with the reverend parents.

yeah she’s 100% mom-material but what makes her a true MILF is that she is just as insane as everyone else in these books.