Bringing these feelings here because I don’t know where to put them. Trying to find words for feelings is a quest I constantly continue with. But perhaps somethings don’t need to be neatly tucked in a box and defined? I don’t need to identify them as right or wrong. But I do need to give them permission to freely be there. I won’t fight with them - well, I’ll try to resist the urges to.

I don’t know where to put these feelings!!!!

We traded enough broken pieces, that we built something new.

The person I manifested is now the person I manifest with.

May 26, 2021

The last week has felt like an accelerated crash course in the evolution of self. I feel like I have been receiving these cosmic downloads and insights that are single handedly de-railing my understanding of reality. I feel like I have upgraded my DNA but I am still adjusting to the new software. Although it may sound insane - I believe that for anyone else who has experienced an ascension of any sorts - will recognize the shape of the experience.

There were 101 lives that I lived yesterday and I wish I would have sat down to write about those ones. For now I can only write about the most recent download because it is at the forefront. I am being invited to explore the concept of balance. How two achieve it. When I'm lacking it. What it looks like to need more of it.

A few insights that have made their way to me - “sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life”

And sometimes when you are living too much in service of others - you lose balance because you have abandoned yourself in the process.

Practicing unconditional love towards you. Even when I feel you retract and wanna write stories about what it all means. I catch myself when I wanna harden too. And shut down and play a game. And I invite myself back into love. I keep inviting myself back. I hope you do too.

Is it fair to say that lately I've been thinking a lot about ‘thinking’? I don’t know if everyone watches their own mind the way that I watch mine. Maybe they do? I haven’t quite figured it out but I do remember my ex telling me once that he had never met someone so self aware. I want to be clear that I am not stating that from a place of boastful ego - I wanna tell you about the part where I asked what he meant by that. He said that I would catch and observe my thoughts as they were coming out of my mouth. I would catch myself and offer observational insights about the thoughts and feelings as I was having them.

It was curious to me to be presented with that information because I guess my most honest response felt something like, “well doesn’t everyone”?

Turns out, no, no they don’t. I’ve learned that most people say a thing, if we are lucky, they think about it later. And then break down and edit and shapeshift.

I could be wrong but I like to think there are a few different people out there. There are the ones that think about their thinking as they’re thinking it, there are the ones that think about their thinking later (what I like to refer to as the lost art of reflection) and then there are those people - that say a thing and never think about it again. I feel like traditionally those aren’t my people. But to be honest with you, I’m not entirely attached to that thought. I feel like everyday I’m realizing how very little I know about myself, so who am I to claim to know another?

Maybe it’s less about knowing little about me, and more about having been asleep. And now waking up and seeing what has always been there?

Not sure if we grow proportionally, disproportionately, sometimes a lot, sometimes not at all.

But I guess ultimately I’m just trying to go on record that I see my thoughts. And I’m playfully curious about whether you do too.

I felt it inside of my whole body. Sometimes the feelings are so loud and so overwhelming, it takes every cell in my body working together to suppress it. I swallow it. I lock it down. It can’t be traced. 

It has been a process of me trying to hold myself accountable and continue these free writing exercises. For someone who has so much internal dialogue, I imagine it can’t be anything short of healing, for me to have this outlet or channel for unedited expression. Telling the whole truth about a thing --turns out, is not as easy as some may think. There are often truths inside of me that I too try to run from. But I am learning that in most instances - when running, one is often chased. 

These feelings remind me of that poem about the fig tree. The way each branch sprawling out in a different direction is a metaphor for potential lives. All options for she who sits beneath the tree. I feel like I am living two lives wrapped into one. I don’t give myself enough credit for carrying the weight of two worlds at once.

I tried mirror work the other day. Moved it in front of the window, sat down and tried to find beauty. I felt like I had to claw through a handful of hatred and a fair dose of doubt, but I broke ground eventually. Saw a few things worth looking at. Felt like a woman.

I saw a childhood friend the other day, she has wrinkles around her eyes now. I felt reminded about time. 

There is a letter I should be writing, but I am writing this one to avoid it.

If all of the fear was gone and the guards were down, there is so much I would share with you. I feel reluctant to share the things even now - just because they’re so big. I, too, am learning how to adjust to the new scale.

Nothing compares.

Source, please reflect these things back to me. In a way that will allow me to know its you.

“I knew I loved you”

“Home”

I know that you are there. A knowing is different than a thought. So why after periods of intense knowing, must I still slip into the questioning? When I wam connected to you, all of the pieces make sense. I feel at peace. I feel home. Familiarity is beautiful. Why do you believe in me the way that you do? Why can't I believe the same things? I think it is easier for me to see the beauty and light in you, rather than turn the mirror around and look at those things directly in myself?

The thing that you carry is often comparable to magic. There is a possibility and tangible majesty about you. You just get it. You make things feel like magic.

Dear Source,

Is it crazy that I feel compelled to start this letter with some casualty like, “thanks for everything by the way” or “how have you been?”

I guess the action of speaking directly to you, through the form of a direct letter, feels a bit foreign and new to me. Not necessarily wrong by any means - maybe it just feels too easy. And I have grown accustomed to it being quite difficult, often arduous and hard to reach. But maybe this time, is about me learning that the quest doesn’t always need to be a tumultuous uphill climb. Maybe it really can be just as simple as sitting down at the computer and writing to you as if we are pen pals - easily accessible, nonjudgmental friends. Who can bring the whole truth to one another. Whenever they want. As much as they want to. 

I have some questions for you. Some of which, well, most of which --feel too heavy to carry on my own. I recently came across a woman online, who speaks more truth in a 60 second clip, then I was exposed to in all of my years in public education. She has encouraged me to speak to you, especially during times of heavy questioning and when in need of clarity and support. Now this is the first time that I sit down and actively participate in sharing the weight of my 3D carry ons. I often keep them tucked away, in a private storage compartment, that only I have the gate code too. I have realized, there is no need to continue carrying this alone, after all, you are my ever present and every loving friend. Who is willing to help me carry it all - as far as I need you to go.

I want to ask a few things of you. I am not sure if they will present themselves in the form of a bullet list of questions, or as a diary type of entry with many layers, and attempts to hide behind my own sentences. But for the sake of a free write exercise and tapping into source and my 5D consciousness I will simply allow myself to continue typing and see what I decided to do.

First question that I am looking for clarity about is - what childhood/adolescent traumas am I still holding onto - that are asking to be healed? When we first moved into this house, I was overcome with a knowing that I needed to be here. The way that the lighting hit the bare walls offering me a feeling of familiarity that I was unwilling to walk away from. Maged. It felt like a second chance at maged. The home where everything seemingly came together and also came apart. What is it about that home am I so unable to let go of? What imprint did those walls leave on me --that all of these years later, I have found a way to step into the same archetype --so I could re-learn, re-visit - or let go of? What have I been so unwilling to detach from? That I have duplicated the circumstances once more? Please bring me clarity in regards to what these feelings are. So I can assume direction in regards to making peace with them for once and for all. I just need the breadcrumbs. I will trust your presentation of the next steps.

Why is it that I am most concerned about those around me if I were to step into my power and light - rather than being concerned about myself, if I didn't?

Can you please usher in a circumstance that allows me to leave in a way that is not just the fault of my own? I don’t want this new motion to come from a place of pain or fault or cruelty. I just want love. For everyone involved. Open hearts the whole way. And compassionate understanding. Please show me how the 3D details will iron themselves out financially and materialistically in a way that doesn’t feel like my parents. Please show me what it looks like, to have two roads diverge and both still paved with love. To a destination that is filled with light. Both paths win. 

Please show me that I am supported. That I am heading the correct calls.

Please let me experience moments with you source. Please let me step into the divine feminine to feel what it is that I am willing to risk everything for. And please, show me the next steps to strengthening this divine relationship.

Please show me how to start trusting myself in a way that doesn’t scare me but anchors me so firmly in the divine. 

Please make sure that my DM constantly receives the messages and signs that he needs both in the 3D and 5D.

I am on my way. But this is a journey that I must take alone. In order to make all of your solitude worthwhile.

Walk into the kitchen. Stand in front of him. Look into his eyes (I know --literally golden with the most familiar gaze) and let love take up the whole room. Invite him into the moment with you. Outloud. He is already there. But make a whole moment out of it. You will both smile. Embrace. And know. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

Just another letter to my future self,

Hi you, first I want to give you some context about where you are right now. So when you end up reading this later, you can put the pieces together and remember where you were.

That feeling is back. The one you had thought you’d forgotten. You know that one right before a major sea change? That itching feeling that despite your efforts to ignore - keep showing up. Change is coming. The big massive uncomfortable change. The kind that is going to shake everyone else around you. People will call your sanity into question. Things will feel very lonely (in the 3D at least) but the irony is that you are on your 5D path now, and although it may feel isolated, walking that path - and arriving there - will be far from lonely. You will be met with divine support. Sometimes it will come to you in the form of a few sentences from a stranger, sometimes it will be through repetitive number sequences, sometimes it might be the quote on a bumper sticker on the car in front of you. It doesn’t matter where it’s coming from, it only matters that you continue to see it. All you have to do is keep showing up. You know that, you’ve known that. So hold tight to that knowing now. By the time you read this, hopefully you would have already made the jump. Harnessed the courage. Connected with the divine and into your power. Everything looks different now. Things are more colorful. You are in union. You are manifesting without even trying because you have worked through your traumas and shadow work. The hard part is over. But FUCK what is it hard.

Don’t let your ego ways convince you that you have made the wrong decision. You haven’t. It may even feel irrelevant for you to read those words now because you're sitting in feelings of deep contentment and you don’t look backwards. If you do look back - let it only be with love.

sirenfloralco

Writing a letter to myself 3 years from now.

Hey Hannah,

You didn’t think you’d finish beauty school but you did. And that’s exactly what happened with the assistant program too. You got through it. You finished it and you’re better for it. You’re calmer and confident now. Not the boastful kind of confident, but the grounded kind. The kind that allows you to take in different energies all day and not feel exhausted by it. That’s because you know your boundaries now. And you’ve found an eloquent way to communicate them. And it doesn’t scare you anymore. To say no when you want to. Or yes when you want to. It must feel really good to be making money now. That feeling of independent success is something you’ve wanted for a long time. And you have that now. And it was well earned. The last few years had to have humbled you. Right? Your relationship is still sincere and comfortable. Not the complacent kind of comfort but the kind you can relax into. You also earned that. Is William married yet? You don’t pay much mind. He’s made exhausting efforts to win back your affections. But you don’t want it. You haven’t for years. Plus, you’re engaged and planning to build your home. The home you and Nick are buying. Yes that’s happening too. I hope you haven’t grown too comfortable at work though. The complacent kind. Because you’ve really harnessed your craft now. Your skills are sharp. You know what you’re doing and you don’t need to ask permission as much as you used to believe. Do you want to open a salon? Do you want to start a product line? You have enough experience and knowledge to do it. So do it. When you were 27 you believed 30 could look this way. And it can. You don’t have to. But if you want to, just know you are ready to. It doesn’t matter if you feel you are valuable enough for your dad’s attention. He loves you. He’s always loved you. But you finally surrender to the expectation about how it’s supposed to look. It took years and countless relapses but you understand now. He likes to be alone. Or with company that doesn’t require all of him to show up. That’s his karma. Not yours. Kenzie finally realized the balance between work and life and she bought property of her own. It might be a condo or a small home, I can’t see too clearly from here but you have to keep encouraging her to make it her own. She will be happier once she does. She always is. Life will feel balanced and serene. But you earned that too. It won’t always feel so in flux and unstable. But remember how it felt when it was. So you can be available for those in your life who might be entering that season now. You are fucking talented at interior design too. So you better still be doing that. Shit, you might own your own company doing that now. And if you don’t yet, but you still want to. You are entirely capable of that. Now you have the certainty and self assurance to go all the way with it. So go all of the way.

Afterall, there's something rewarding about constantly reaching for clarity. We collect moments of it as it whisps by and grazes our fingertips but we are seemingly never able to grasp it with our whole hand.

May this chase never prevent us from continuing to reach.