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alcohve · 1 day

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Journal No. 146

Topic: n/a

I’m .. kind of glad I have the house alone right now. Honestly, my depressive spells have been off the walls lately. And sometimes, when it gets so loud here— all it ever does is give me migraines. And unlike here, I’m still not really used to the area.. nor do I feel comfortable living here… or comfortable with the people in this state— so I just feel like I’m trapped at the house, all the time. At least, I grew up in California. I’ve lived there for so long, that whenever I’m out running, jogging, hiking, or going for a long walk— people know me so well, that they just roll down the windows and say hi to me or meet me at the next red light. Here, … I feel like people are more on the … sinister side? I get that … considering where I am now, the city thrives off alcoholics, gamblers, smokers, and … essentially anybody with unhealthy vices/addictions— but … what does that actually mean for the people who live here? All I know is that— it sucks. And all the locals hate it too. People are busy trying to make this the “next California”, the cost of living is radically increasing due to people moving here for the “lower cost of living” and the minimum wage/money earned per job opportunities aren’t enough to keep up with the traffic. Constant construction, always. And oh my God, the sports events here are so stupid. I honestly can’t even imagine how dumb they business execs were on trying to bring in an Australian Sport. You dismantle a WHOLE city that’s based off our attractions and break them down to build bleachers and increase traffic to where 95% of the city’s money is being sourced from??? Oh my gosh, it’s ridiculous. And then nobody even bought tickets. Completely and ridiculously idiotic.

But anyway, … that rant completely took a 180.

Finally almost … the “weekend” again. To be honest, I used to look forward to them because whenever my boyfriend and I are together, it used to reduce my anxiety but … I feel like we’ve been fighting so much lately, that I just get even more anxious. Then I have even more migraines, then I’m stuck in bed all day clutching a pillow to my ears and trying to avoid any form of light.

… Lately, I’ve been worried about the future. I’m almost 30.. and honestly, I never pictured myself never completing school. Out of my siblings and I, to be honest? I thought I’d be the only one to do it… My sister’s … never been involved with the right people and honestly, she’s toxic as hell. My brother … I don’t even want to get started on him. But me? I’ve always been hard working … and I’ve always been “ahead in my studies.” It’s just weird.. seeing where I am now, and feeling completely … stuck.

I really need to make this work. I can’t really afford to go back to school anymore, since I’m all I really have… but there are so many free programs for cyber security being offered and my friend said that the field is always high in demand.. even for people who didn’t go to school for it. About next year, there will be 3.5m openings for jobs in cyber security and honestly.. at the rate AI is heading towards.. I feel like you have to be involved in something relevant towards it, or you’ll just … have a useless skill. It’s not like.. I have the time or luxury anymore, to pursue accounting .. and I feel like the jobs that I’ve wanted to pursue, require money … or a portfolio. Honestly, I think my biggest regret is deleting that blog I used to have… when it had all the info-graphs on my daily statistics of blog activity. The amount of people who would visit my blog, how many people were viewing it “Live”, the total amount of views, the amount of reblogs/responses/comments… the amount of followers I’d gain on a daily basis… and the amount of messages I’d receive. Just getting over 100+ messages a day was an achievement. I really doubt “influencers” have a high level of engagement… even the volume of people trying to reach me had a boost of xxxx-xxxxx% . I was born PR-ready … and I was always smart enough to always stay relevant … and marketable.

To be honest, I think I might start doing media, too.. I’m really trying to meet my goal in the next few months and get my body back to where I want it— because I honestly don’t think I look as marketable, right now. I feel like my boobs got bigger when I gained weight.. and I’ve never liked how big they were in the past…. Thank god I don’t have love handles anymore but I have this stupid small pouch on my belly … and my thighs are so gross. Ugh… I really need to stop thinking about my body or I’m going to go insane.

To be honest, I also … really want to talk to my mom alone. But it’s hard because people are always around, in some way. I kind of want to move back to California … already. I just have absolutely no savings, anymore… my dad’s wife really drained me dry.

And I feel like I’d be a lot more comfortable staying there.. then here. At least I’d get to go out more … go to the park, if I want … walk the horse trails if my mind .. well, if it ever feels so … overwhelmed, like the way it is now.

I also … feel like my boyfriend isn’t as serious about the future as I am. To be honest, … I feel like he’s the closest I’d ever get, to having a future. Because he’s a good man .. and he’s already expressed his desire to marry me. And kids. So there’s something there. But … I feel like lately, he keeps putting me down in front of his family … and I just feel so awkward … /hurt. Especially when I always try so hard to make everyone like him. Also … I’m getting older too. I’m literally … approaching that deadline for having kids. I know … I’m trying to push myself for 3 years to get my shit together… but I was honestly thinking that by the end of last year, I’d have at least some reliable form of income, going in… and I’d be able to do whatever I wanted (on the side)… whether it was media, or retrieving additional education (online) … I never thought my dad’s wife … would be capable of doing what she was .. and I never thought my father was so despicable, that he’d essentially kick me out, in the middle of all my medical problems.

My god … I’m really glad that I cut him out of my life. He’s a cancer that’s damaged my credit (though I’ve fixed mine by now..) and my brother’s… All he ever does is tear people down.

I wish … my mother left him when we were younger.. or that time …

…

Maybe that’s my biggest regret. …

I sometimes wonder … if my brother knew I was there that day. The day my dad … punched my brother. I don’t know how old we were.. but I think I was 8 .. and he was only 9? 10? … I remember just sitting on my bed … and trying to be as quiet as possible, so my dad wouldn’t know that I “left my room when I wasn’t supposed to”. … But I was a child then, and … I had to use the restroom.

I just remember sitting there wondering if I should’ve called the police.

…

I really wonder what would’ve happened to all of us, if I had, that day.

I never really saw my brother again, after that. We weren’t even allowed to leave for school, together, anymore. And I remember the next time I saw him was on the playground, at school. I just remember staring at him because he had a giant cast wrapped around his head. And that’s when everything else goes black.

…

Sometimes, I wonder if he did stuff to me too. The sort of stuff he’d do to my brother. One of my aunt’s alluded that he had… Which would make sense, because I honestly don’t really remember a majority of my childhood.

…

Sometimes, I wonder if my boyfriend and I … will even work out. I just feel like .. he bullies me a lot. And it’s weird, because he’s always affectionate to me when we’re alone … but whenever his family is around, he kind of … puts me down. I know his entire family loves me though … but … it kind of hurts. And it’s embarrassing. Especially when I’m so supportive of him.

I think … my biggest fear, in this relationship, is honestly … helping him with all his financial debt. What happens if I do use it all towards helping him, and … he just … disposes of me, afterwards? What then?

……

Maybe I’m just … being over paranoid about it but I feel like he doesn’t even understand my health issues too. He paints modern medication as this terrible thing and it’s like … people who suffer from depression LITERALLY do not function the way a normal person is able to. I WANT to go on medication because when I was on it, … I felt like I honestly had my mind back. I could think more clearly … I felt more productive … I felt .. like me. I know I can easily book an appointment .. and just go without him knowing … I don’t know why I feel like I need his approval to, though? Every time I bring it up, it’s like he gets mad at me …

After last year .. or the year before that, I guess, … after losing so many people because they all literally died— .. I’ve just been so motivated on finding stability and having kids. To be honest, if I was stable now, .. I’d want kids now. But the fear of repeating my mom’s mistakes is honestly what keeps me in check.

.. and the fact that sex honestly still terrifies me… which is another issue lol. Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend resents me … and that’s why he keeps snapping at me, lately.

I just feel like … or at least … sometimes, I really think we wouldn’t even be together if all that bullshit with my dad never happened. He has a lot of green flags.. but he has a lot of red ones, too. And maybe because … there were days, when I was younger (at least), … where I literally wouldn’t get to eat … I know what the value of a dollar is. And I don’t look down on any jobs … because I know how far that dollar can stretch, if you make it. I think .. it’s honestly so stupid that money would be wasted, when it can be saved and be used more productively … but it’s not like I can say anything, because it’s not like its my money. And the most annoying thing in the world is when you meet someone who tells you how you should spend your money.

And what would happen to me … if this relationship did end?

I know I could always go back to California but …

I really don’t want anyone there to ever touch me again.

I really .. need to find a good therapist lol. At least I’d have someone .. even if they’re being paid to just .. talk to me .. or listen to me .. at least I’d have some form of a support system, versus having nothing and nobody at all.

Sometimes … in this relationship, I feel like … he just likes me because of how I look. And he’s infatuated by whatever image/version of me, he’s created in his head. And as bad as this sounds … I feel like money will probably be the biggest thing between us… and how we would want to raise our kids. Does he really think I’m one of those women that would want to sit around at home, all day? I’d want to ensure they grow up properly, of course, but I feel like that would be mentally and emotionally draining, for me. And money … I’ve always thought people that are worried about making monthly payments/can’t make investments shouldn’t be wasting their money on food. Things are better now but … I feel like there are times where we can easily just save and he keeps fighting me on it.

I need to stop writing, Jesus Christ. My head hurts.. thinking about all of this.

And honestly, I need .. to start taking better care of myself. I feel like I haven’t been eating right, lately. The nonstop migraines … being so sensitive to everything … and just crying a lot, lately.

Sometimes, I wish … I never really met some people. You start … to compare other people, with each other … and even though you know it’s a terrible thing, you do it anyway.

I really wonder if this relationship will work out.

I think … this one is honestly the closest I’d ever get to having a future with a man, if it doesn’t. I’m getting older .. and honestly, most men won’t even want you anymore, if you start passing your child-bearing years. Sometimes, I don’t even know if we’ll make it .. and he’ll get tired of me because I “can’t put out”. And he’ll just end things because of that. Then lately, it’s all I can think of, at night. Do I even want kids with him? Would I even? Is that why I can’t have sex with him? To be honest, I always felt … like it was because I always had feelings for my ex still … because even though it’s horrible to compare the two, when I slept with X that one year … though it was horrible getting involved with a coworker … I never felt scared of when we did it. When I was with my ex … touching him, and him touching me … was all I ever thought about, sometimes. Sometimes, my boyfriend, … he’s not really a gentle person. He’s actually the complete opposite.. and it’s something I’ve always hated about him. To be honest, … he’s really aggressive. And I hate how I feel scared of that, sometimes. I know he’d never … touch me, the way my family did, with me … but … maybe that’s what bothers me the most. I don’t trust him and … he doesn’t really make me feel safe. I think … that’s honestly why I fell for my ex so hard, and so fast. Because … I brought him into my life again, when all this chaos was happening and … he always made me feel calm? And protected? I felt … safe with him. And when I was with him, I know it was dumb but … I just blindly trusted him. … Then again, look where that ended up.

I really do wonder if he is married though. Or if he was in a committed relationship. Because that would make so much sense and I could honestly stop feeling like an idiot.

Because even if things were different between us … even if all that bullshit with my dad never happened … he never let me care about him. He would never let me— get to know him. And I think … loving someone … who doesn’t know how to accept your love, is honestly the most painful thing ever. My hair stylist has a friend who went through the same exact thing I went through, after my breakup with him. I wonder how long it took her to heal from it though, psychologically, I mean. I feel like he left me with all these bullet holes, and … lately, I feel it more than usual.

Though it was brief, talking to him again …. Made me really happy. Honestly, .. I … sometimes get disturbed with how … my ex deeply affects me. It felt like I … when we broke up, I was just … underwater. And I’ve been holding my breathe for an incredibly long time. And talking to him again … That’s what it felt like. It felt like coming up for fresh air. And I was finally able to breathe again.

I don’t know why … I still feel so much hurt towards him. I thought .. I was over it. But every time we talked, I felt like … I was also digging at old scars, and tearing them open again. He brings up something as big as retiring soon, and though … I was elated to hear that … the second I was alone, … I couldn’t stop crying.

I really do want the best for him. I really, really do. But I can’t help but feel so hurt … and betrayed by him … even though I know I’m the one who pushed him away. But I guess that doesn’t matter now. Because .. things have finally ended between us. And I think .. it’s so hard to move on from someone who won’t let you, and that person that’s not letting you— is somebody who won’t let you love them. So at that point, what’s the point? I’m just being led on.

I just feel like .. lately, all I feel is confused. Confused, because I know I still have feelings for him. Confused, because there’s a man that’s actually promised me a future, already.. Confused, because he is a great person..

But I’m starting to realize that … I don’t love him. And that I honestly don’t know if we’d even be with each other, if my dad never .. kicked me out.

I love him. I’ve always thought of him as my best friend but … he’s always pressured me into dating him, the second he learned my boyfriend and I broke up. And … I’ve never liked that. I never liked how I felt like I couldn’t .. grieve him.

And maybe that’s another issue in itself. I’ve always … felt afraid that my boyfriend would resent me for x/y/z .. I never even realized that I’ve grown to resent him for that.

… I wonder … how my mom would respond if I get to finally talk to her alone.

 Maybe the best thing for me is just going back on antidepressants and … just being alone.

I just want to heal from him. … I want … someone that makes me feel safe. And I want to learn how to trust my initial instincts again … And learn how to feel safe in my own skin, and looking for that, in every man I see.

I wonder if I would even be in this boat if … I never called my ex that day. Would I have gone through with suicide? Would I have completed my last two weeks instead of giving away all my shifts? Would I still have the same “friends?”

- April 28, 2024 (17:11-18:42)

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alcohve · 2 days

Text

Journal No. 145

Topic: Unnamed

I guess I can start writing again.

It feels safer to write again, now that everything between us is over.

Though I have been feeling quite restless since everything’s ended, at least I can … relax more, since I know he won’t come back.

I don’t know why losing him hurts so much. But how do you lose somebody, you never really had? Are we even really considered each other’s “ex?” Because I don’t even know what I ever was to him. I just felt like he came “back” to try to prove something to himself, and not because he actually cared about me. For a moment, an incredibly brief moment, I was stupid enough to think that he actually did care about me. And every time I try to dissect every moment I’ve ever had with him, … it always leads me down a very painful road, that I honestly need to stop myself from going down, again.

“He ‘saved’ me, right?” Well, he didn’t know that I called him that day with the full intention of taking my life. And the only reason why I called him, was because I was trying to measure everyone else’s life, that I knew, and came to the conclusion that he was the most level-headed invidividual that I knew (and most likely, would ever know)— at that respective time. And I needed somebody to level me, at the time. He seemed normal, at the time. He always seemed friendly with people, he always seemed like the type to call people out, and … well, he made me feel special, when he used to flirt with me. Small exchanges, at the time, that I held onto just because I had a crush on him.

Why, is it so hard to let something go, with somebody I don’t even know? Well, because no matter what had happened between us, it doesn’t change what he did for me that day. It doesn’t change how he made me feel, whenever he made comments about me. It doesn’t change the way of how I did end up falling in love with him or how I had. It doesn’t change the way that I’ve … always felt drawn to him, from the moment I met him. And it doesn’t change the way of how I’ve changed myself, after I’ve met him.

Looking back on it, I don’t even know how I saved 23 grand, working at a job that paid only $14/h. The amount of doubles I’d work, because I just wanted a bar to meet, before I’d challenge myself to the next threshold. A better job, more money saved, and all going towards a down payment for a better domestic situation where I could live by myself without ever having to worry about ever getting struck or touched again. Then moving onto something better, where I could start on better investments. A financial advisor, for one, then classes on teaching myself how to drive. Then eventually a plane ticket to meet him.

It’s weird, back then, on how many of my plans involved… and revolved around him. A present-version of myself, trying to make room in my life for a person who didn’t really struggle with the obstacles and challenges I was juggling at the time— and yet…

And yet, I was doing all of this for someone who didn’t even have to blink or worry about money going to a plane ticket.

He’s had … a lot of time. He’s had more than enough opportunities.

The amount of times I’d request for time off, because he’d promise me he’d come out to see me, getting it granted because my manager was cool (at the time… before they eventually got terminated- ha).. then coming back from my time off and returning to work…

I remember.. always feeling so embarrassed, hurt, and ashamed. Every. Single. One. Of my coworkers all knew how excited I’d get, so the moment I’d return, they’d ask me “how it was”.

I’ve never been a good liar, but I guess that’s when it all started? All the lies, I mean. I just remember feeling so hurt, everytime. And at the time, I felt a slight sense of gratitude that he wouldn’t check in, everyday/night because of how much I’d cry over it. And how much it stung that I was being put into a position where I felt like I had to lie my ass off about a guy, because I was so desperate to have the people I cared about, like him.

And then more days would go by. Weeks. Radio silence.

It’s like he programmed me and manipulated me into having feelings for him and whenever he’d “come back” … it’s always the same thing, I’d feel.

I know at the time, I always wondered if there was someone else.

Because it honestly would make a lot of sense, if there had been someone else the entire time.

He’d only get to contact me very briefly, because he’d always be with her. I’m stupid enough to send him nudes, and he wouldn’t even open them up.

If a guy likes you, or if anyone likes you, they wouldn’t ever put you into a position where you’re doubting yourself and your place in their life.

And thats honestly all I ever felt, when I was with him.

I never felt like I was good enough for him because I always felt like he put me down… or was ashamed of me. All he ever talked about was money. And so when I’d go to work, and one of my friends would be working (god bless her, I wish I could work with her again because she’s an amazing manager and they never deserved her).. I’d always vent about it to her.

“Do you think you’re not good enough?” She’d say, and so would some of my other friends… “men don’t care about money. Do you care if he does?” Then I’d think about it and retort about how i know if I had a daughter… and though I’d hate to say it because of how cruel it sounded, why would a financially accomplished man want anything to do with someone who’s not? I’d be more concerned that they’re more into it because of their body, and that’s why I’d be more protective of my own daughter… and it’s weird, because even without my former manager.. or my friends ever seeing each others reactions… they’d all have the same one, and it always led to them thinking that I thought that I was never enough for him.

And … I guess that is honestly how I felt the entire time.

Maybe, it’s because I know what I’m willing to do, when I really care about someone.. or love them. And that’s why I felt like I was never good enough for him… added onto the fact he had a very … red-flag-sorta vibe— of a photo he had, on his Instagram. Even when my mom saw it she told me to be careful with him. Then, added onto all the times he’d talk about another woman he had gotten romantically involved with, in the past …

Why even bother with me, at that point. Why lead me on, at that point?

Even thinking about it now, still makes me cry.

There is absolutely no reason why he should’ve done that, to me. Because it’s mean, it’s hurtful, and it’s … it’s just disrespectful towards me.

I really do wonder if it all was just a game to him. If I was just a button in his life, he’d like to press and add pressure onto, just because he was amused by how I’d react/respond to it.

……

I need to stop doing this to myself. I already promised myself a long time ago to stop …. doing this. To stop annihilating and reducing myself into small pieces.

Maybe the secret to getting over someone, is the constant reinforcement of reminding yourself of how insignificant you ever were to that person. To remind yourself on a daily basis that if you ever meant anything to that person, things wouldn’t have ended the way that they had. Did he reach out to me to prove something to himself? Or did he reach out to me because he felt guilty that I was rushed to the emergency room several times, and grew very sick for a prolonged period. Because if he did care, he would’ve gotten on a plane and came to see me, the moment he knew I was hurting. Before I was pushing everyone away and out of my life. And before I went down that very self-destructive chapter.

If he loved me, he would’ve fought a little harder.

And maybe, things would be different.

I always wanted him to come back, in the past … so I could .. or we could’ve fixed what happened between us. Because I remember how much pain I was in… because I didn’t get to tell him how I felt about him.

I’m glad I didn’t.

What’s the point of even loving someone, if they won’t let you love them.

And now I need to schedule another doctor’s appointment for more medication, due to the constant migraines I’ve been having from the moment he’s reached out to me. Because I’m so fucking stupid and still care about someone who’s never given me any sign or indication that he’s ever felt the same way. lol. Then antidepressants.anti-anxiety, because I feel like I can’t even focus on anything anymore. And compared to how I was in the past, when I was on hydroxizine… It just felt like everything was clear, back then. And I could think more clearly.

It’s hard finding a good therapist though.. or one you feel comfortable with. I’m 100% sure my doctor is going to recommend talking to one again, when he realizes this is all because of how dumb I am, in regards to my “ex”. Lol.

“He never cared about you. He was just wasting his time with you. He kept you around, for God-only-knows-why. He led you on.”

Phrases, I know I’ll need to keep saying to myself until … until I get used to them again. And dismantling every form of hope, he reignited in me, for fixing this.

My head hurts again.

I need to stop writing.

Maybe blocking him doesn’t even matter, at this point. Because he apparently had no problem with the last message I sent him lol. At least I can delete our messages so I don’t have to see his name and be constantly reminded … of him. That he’s somewhere out there. And how easy this all was for him.

I’ll just come back here if my migraines stop. And when my chest stops hurting. I need to stop stressing myself out over a person who doesn’t even care about me or doesn’t even spare me his time of day lol. It’s so … pathetic.. honestly.

I don’t know why this keeps affecting me so severely. And I honestly hate how I care so much about someone who doesn’t care at all.

He’s … apparently retiring in 3 years. I wonder if he’s finally met someone that he’s willing to do that for. I wish the best for him though. And I wonder what she’s like. I just hope … she’s good to him. And that she’s nice. It really stings to know he’s moved on so fast that he’s willing to do all this for her, when he couldn’t even just bother getting on a plane to see me just once.

Even though it hurts, I just hope he’s happy.

On a dark/comical sort of note, I hope they both are.

So he can stop … hurting me by messaging me. And I can stop thinking of questions, that hurt me even more.

Maybe it’s not about learning to unlove someone… Maybe it’s about learning to let go of someone you do love, and learning to love them from afar. And wanting … and hoping… and praying the best for them.

I love him. And I’m letting him go.

- April 27th, 2024 (21:21-22:34)

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alcohve · 3 days

Text

Journal No. 144

Topic: The bare minimum

I think writing will most likely be my only form of release I can get.

Every night since I’ve been kicked out of my father’s home, due to his wife stealing from me— I always close my eyes pretending I’m asleep, when I’m not, so I can have … just a small moment to myself. A moment, where I try to think very hard on the people that are in my life, … and whether or not they care about me or not.

It’s easy to say that you care about someone. Just the way it is, to say that you “like” someone. I like how nice she is, without ever visiting her house. Without ever seeing what she’s like behind closed curtains. Without ever knowing if she was tasked with a difficult decision— would she choose to do what is ethically and morally correct or would she take the easy way out? So you start to go off something small, instead of something big. Liking things about her, versus liking her— the actual person. I like her shoes. I like her hair. I like her smile. Superficialities. Things you don’t even realize you’re doing, until you’re finally doing them, unconsciously. This starts to become second nature to you, until it just becomes within your own nature, to do so. What is within human nature? But to be drawn into things that bring us comfort. Like hot chocolate, on days like this. Animals, like the two dogs i’ve come to love like my own. Food, that brings people together. It’s within our nature, to enjoy such things.

Every year on my birthday, I always make the same wish, and though I know you’re not supposed to say anything or disclose what you wish— because that means it won’t come true… I’ve always had the same wish. Every year from the moment my parents divorced. I want to have one person. Just one person. One person to care about me. One person to be my friend. Just one person. That’s all I need.

It’s harder than you think.

I often see people surrounded by a lot of others. They’re so warm. Like the sun. And it makes me … almost envious that people are so naturally drawn to them. That they don’t have to deal with serious issues, like being raped one night. And fighting out that their best friend— though they witnessed it, won’t come forward. Then watching your perpetrator mock you on the internet for your years, and watch them get away with everything. They won’t have to worry about going home. Because they have a loving family, who’ll love them as they are, and accept them as they are.

Though it really kills me, I’d rather push out everyone from my life, if they cannot give me one defining reason why they want me in their life. Why do I matter to you? What is your intention with having me in your life? Why do you want me around? Easy questions. Easy answers.

I’ve also come to learn recently, that it doesn’t really matter if you love a person anymore. How much you care about that person… If that person won’t let you care about them or love them, then there’s no point. I think it’s fair to know that if something happens to that person— you know exactly who you’ll be grieving over, should something horrible ever happen to them. Why should I care about someone, if I don’t know who I’m caring about? What if they’re a bad person? And they’ve been deceiving me all this time? What if they’re con artist, just like my father’s wife? I know my walls are high. But … I don’t think it’s standards are running high, if you’re just asking for the bare minimum of wanting to know— who exactly it is, you’re getting involved with. And what you’re getting involved with.

Although it was painful, … I’m glad I was hospitalized … several times last year. I’m glad I felt every single second of it: that pain.

Because if I hadn’t, I’d be too naive. I’d be too trusting. I’d keep giving people second chances, even they’re undeserving.

I love him. I love him still.

But it doesn’t matter, because what’s the point of loving someone that won’t let you love them.

I don’t know … how he expects to just come back, as though nothing happened. Pretending like nothing happened, the way my family always does— like when my sister committed suicide. Pretending, as though everything is okay, when it’s not.

I lost so. Much. Blood.

To the point, where I was losing weight at an exceedingly alarming rate. I could hardly even move, so I had to use pillows to rest my arms, if I wanted them to be in a certain position. I’d lose consciousness because I literally couldn’t breathe.

…

And I’m still undeserving of anything from him. No information to go off of.

Were you just using me, to boost your ego, when you were with another woman? Why do you keep randomly coming back to me, confusing me, telling me that you miss me— then just ghosting me for weeks, again? Why do you keep love bombing me? Who are you? What days do you work? What made you get into the line of work you’re in? Do you have friends? What’s your family like?

Jesus fucking Christ. If I even did date him again, and we lived together. And something happened to him. Who the fuck would I even contact? Would his mom or dad be concerned? Does he even have parents? Because I know that if anyone that had parents, or anyone that loved them— they would want to know if something ever happened to them.

To be honest, … I was really scared of telling him to leave. Because I didn’t want him to. Especially when he just came back. But, I don’t think it’s fair to myself, to open myself up to someone again— and blindly trust and love someone again— when they’re not even willing to give me the slightest information about them.

The whole time I was in my bed— all I could think of how stupid I felt, with every single doctor’s appointment, every dollar I’d spent on Lyft to make every ER and doctor’s appointment, prescription refill… etc… All this time, all this health— wasted on somebody I don’t even know. Jesus Christ.

How do you learn to unlove someone? How do you learn to stop caring about someone?

I don’t know why I keep attracting people who keep half-wanting me, half-loving me, and are half-deserving of me.

IM the one with a golden heart. IF I care for you, I will move mountains for you. I don’t care how high or how low— you tell me to jump, and I’ll jump.

… I just want some reciprocation. And it’s really not too much to ask for. And I don’t know why I keep meeting people who keep making it feel like it is.

It’s not difficult, to fall in love. It’s not hard to admit when you are. It’s not hard to care about someone. And I honestly don’t even see the shame of it, when people honestly blow it completely out of proportion. I’ve met people who’ve fallen in love, “at first sight”. I’ve met people who’ve become best friends after just meeting someone.

And that’s what I think IS so bizarre. People expect these things to happen, magically— out of thin air, when it doesn’t work that way.

High school sweethearts, have been together for decades. But I’m sure they fight every now and then, behind closed doors. But they don’t just leave. Jesus fucking christ. They stay, and they fight. And they fight each other, because they understand that the value they hold to one another, is more priceless than some stupid disagreement. You fight for it. You choose to go for it. Because it’s a fucking choice.

… I honestly don’t even know what I ever was to him. I don’t know why he keeps coming back to me. But I just know that I deserve someone that wants to build something real.

I don’t understand why he can’t just be honest with me or just fucking talk to me about anything in his life.

When I was sick, that year— all I could think about was going through all that pain over somebody I didn’t even know.

Like he’s some sort of ghost.

I love him. But … I think it doesn’t matter how I feel about him, anymore. I’m a woman that has a biological clock on her. I seriously … need to get my shit together.

I really … want the best for him. But honestly, it hurts too much to have him around, when he doesn’t even know what he wants (again). I can’t even ask him questions, because I have feelings for him … because I know if he says he’s moved on or if he’s with someone, it would just hurt me. Or if he’s just used me the entire time, and has been in a relationship (like his assistant has already alluded to, in the past).

… Jesus. Selfish, self-loathing, unprgamatic asshole.

I would rather shave my head bald then become a man’s mistress/home-wrecker.

After all this time, I thought he’d change. But I’ll never be enough for him. Never worth giving answers to, never worth apologizing to, never worth getting on a fucking plane and just talking to me— face-to-face.

He’s a coward. Maybe he’s a bad person. Maybe he’s a person who does feel the same way towards me, but doesn’t know how to express it.

I don’t know who or what he is, apparently. Because he won’t ever allow me to see who he is, so conjectures— it is.

To be honest, … I know I can do an easy background check on him if I really wanted to.

But maybe ignorance is bliss in this situation.

… I’m just glad I learned to love someone as much I loved him. And feel it, too.

But I think … I’m proud of myself for not .. just letting him come back, so easily, as if nothing happened, and nothing was learned.

I think … when you want to be in someone’s life, it’s a privilege to have them in your life. And that’s why losing people is so heartbreaking.

I’ve … done enough kicking, screaming, and fighting for him. I wrote to him. Got ghosted.

… and I can’t even have a single question answered by him.

… As much as I love him, ... and even though it hurts to push him away…

I need to choose loving myself before loving anyone else.

…

So in the meantime, I’ll just keep working on myself.

If it’s … supposed to be him, then … I’m sure we’ll find a way to make it work out in the future. Right now, he’s just adding too much noise, into an already loud environment.

And this is the only time in my life where all I’ve ever wanted was silence.

No more crying over boys. No more getting hospitalized, over boys. No more getting rushed to the ER. No more needles. No more echocardiograms. No more blood labs. No more X-rays.

If someone loves me, … and if they ever knew how much pain I’d be willing to endure in loving that person, …

I’m worth something.

To somebody.

I’m worth an answer.

I’m not asking for much. I just want to be treated, respectively.

And .. honestly, that’s should be at the bottom of everyone’s threshold.

The bare minimum.

I don’t … think he’ll come back anymore. And even though it makes me sick to my stomach.

…

It makes me feel worse wanting someone who’s making it very clear that they don’t want me.

⁃ April 26, 2026 (16:33-17:45)

#h #keep

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