ajournalingtrex
“bring your diet coke, let’s go.”
rex, rexy | minor | she/they | an over-emotional and over-explained dork with parent problems
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Aw... poor bitsy
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part of my 48 part series "Fixin it With Soos: World Wide Win-ternet Edition"
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when i fight with my mother, there is poetry in the din.
when i fight with my dad, i cry for a while, throw my hands up muttering a half-hearted “i hate men”, and move on with my life.
#like whyyyyy#whyyy do you need to fix everything man.#why is me emotionally ranting about something only valid if i’m fixing itttt.#every day my friends are like hey didn’t we say maybe stop asking your parents for advice#/talking to them about emotional issues?#and every day i’m like :) maybe they’ll understand me this time!#NOOO.#stop it.#free yourself babygirl…
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I got to see some leyendecker pieces in person! He’s a really big inspiration of mine so one of the things I focused on was the actual close ups of the brush strokes in his pieces bc they’re so cool
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please
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#*gestures threateningly at stinky with a shovel*#which apparently is a reoccurring tag on my blog#animal crossing
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fuck i lowkey want bangs too. like so bad. or just to change up my hair or SOMETHING. i think i just want to look like a pokémon character
i strive to have the curls that are like when you see a video game character and they have the little ^ over their hair. like that’s what i want.
#like if i don’t look like a water type gym leader i’m absolutely doing life wrong#and i give you full permission to stop me
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i strive to have the curls that are like when you see a video game character and they have the little ^ over their hair. like that’s what i want.
#it took me so many years to realize that i actually have curly hair#and once i realized it?#immediately forgot after 2 weeks and haven’t been taking care of it#i will achieve the level of bounce i had mid july again#and that was without??? any product???#like with product… DUDE.#bounce like a kickball man
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@bdda57 @watcherglowcloud these remind me of you two
Misc. Rainbow Plushies!
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learning that self deprecation isnt cool and just makes the people around you uncomfortable unironically improved my mental health a lot. like if you just stop saying negative shit about yourself you will genuinely like yourself more and other people wont be repulsed by your attitude and you will have more friends. it's true.
#good find rowan my beloved#it’s a great reminder and a great self reminder bc we can all fall into it#even if it feels absurd#if u just absolutely full send into it u WILL find that your first reflex stops being to shit on yourself#and i understand that hating yourself can be almost an addicting feeling if you don’t feel like you know any better#but truly the grass is greener on the other side. and if you try in little steps to actually start living the way you’ve always dreamed of#even if all that remains is a dream from when you were a very young kid#it can become something wonderful if you nurture it
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“we mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they’ve come.”
since i’m starting my senior year, my mother handed me the scattering of writings and pictures she’d written sporadically in a baby book until i was 4 years old.
(apparently when i was one, i called them by their first names just like i do now. some things never change.)
i looked at my mother for a long time on this first page: it was the only picture i’d ever seen of her pregnant with me. she seemed so happy, and that was almost what broke me.
the wish for my life that my mother had written for me nearly 18 years ago was that she wanted me to be healthy. that no matter where i went and what i did, that i would pick myself back up again when i fell. that she wanted me to always remember how much my family loved me. above all, she had written that she wanted me to be happy.
that entire book drips with so much love, it doesn’t go a single page without saying it. calls me a bright girl. advanced for her age. so smiley. always happy and glowing. a fast talker. a faster walker. their beautiful baby girl.
just an hour before, my mother had told me that she didn’t think i was turning out to be a good person.
my mother has broken my heart many a time. i could count instance after instance, scene after scene like i was living in some terrible drama. everybody knows it and nobody wants to talk about it. and neither do i; do you honestly think i want to make my parents my personality as much as i have?
i don’t really have to, anyway. those who have issues with their parents wear it like a dog tag, like an underage flier with their ticket strapped to their chest. i have issues written across their back in place of a kick me sign.
i keep wanting this heartbreak to happen for the last time. for all the fights at 16 about depression to be it. for the screamed rant at 12 about how i wasn’t lonely and i was being dramatic to be the one. for all the times in my childhood where i’ve ever sought my dad’s arms instead of my mother’s to be the tipping point.
i want to stop caring; because jesus, i know i don’t exactly love her, but it’s not an indifference towards her words. it hurts, still. she’s still my mother. my mom. i called her momma at one point.
i want to brush it off.
but it is not so simple. it will take a long time and a lot of work for me and her if i ever wanted to love her again, much less love her in the way that she loves me. and yet knowing all she’s been through in her life, i can work to hold her in a kindness that i know she will never hold for me. a holistic understanding, rather than picking and choosing what i want to understand.
yet that hope is dangerous. and i am reminded of it every day when i find that small child in my heart curled into a ball at my feet. discarded and weeping.
i remember when i pick her up and set her on my hip, wiping the choppy bangs out of her eyes and pressing a kiss to her forehead. holding her gently as she curls into me and sobs.
i’m just as lost as her.
because in every single thing i have done every day of my life—every achievement, every failure, every action, every movement, every relationship, every word—i have pleaded i want my mommy.
and today she finally told me that if i’m not a carbon copy of her, she does not want me back.
that if i am not their beautiful baby girl, if i am instead just their baby, they aren’t interested.
the dejection and sorrow you feel from knowing that the people who are supposed to love you the most in all the world don’t like who you want to be is unimaginable.
#crossposted#:(#writing#poetry#i guess (?)#anyway. very vulnerable on main today ig#my mother’s never said it so bluntly before#which hurt#and yeah. it makes you feel like scum#and suddenly you are bleeding out across the floor#and nobody around is holding the gun#but there is hope#for when someone you are certain cares takes both you and the child at your feet into their arms#it is an unparalleled feeling. i promise.#i hold on because i know i deserve to be held like that again#it won’t save you. that alone can’t. but it will teach you about love#and love will be the first step in saving yourself#my advice:#start with the child weeping at your feet. nobody will hold them if you don’t#rexy wrote a thing
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Just watched the new Spiderverse and I have THOUGHTS about the art of Gwen’s world.
Obviously, there are the colors: she’s so often in shades of blue, contrasted against the redder world around her, which she begins regaining herself and her resolve, she shows up in warmer colors and the world around her cools.
But ALSO! The way they do the backgrounds! I think we see two? clearly drawn locations in Gwen’s universe? Maybe? Other than that, it’s a bunch of abstract colors and shapes.
Literally the only two fully drawn locations are her room (which she knows basically by heart) and the museum during the Vulture fight (she literally has to pay attention to her surroundings, if she doesn’t someone dies). Other than that? Colors and shapes.
It’s SO clear that Gwen is not doing well, even just by seeing her world. She doesn’t pay attention to her world, doesn’t see the beauty in it, so we don’t get to see the beauty in her world, either.
Anyway Spiderverse was great go see it
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Just to save you, I’d give all of me ♡
insta: @debbiebalboa
#spiderverse#‘hummingbird summer sun’#‘has it brought my life back?’#‘hangin’ in the balance’#‘have you brought the life back?’
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