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acidicremarks · 10 years

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"If you actually used that rotten brain of yours, you'd know that I can't get rid of you. No one stays dead in this place, remember?" Matsuda sighed. If she actually stayed calm the majority of the time, she might have been vaguely tolerable. Not that he'd ever tell her that. He glanced over at her.

He had several different comments ready concerning her expressions and the myriad ways they ruined her face, but he didn't voice them. "Give me a reason to smile for once and maybe I won't," he muttered. Smile? He hardly ever smiled, not even as a kid. Not much reason to.

toxic. [Junko]

"Matsuda-kun is soooooo mean!" Junko squeals when he snaps and ignores her. Here he goes again, brooding over the past. Sheesh, and you’d think that he would learn by now.

"Meanie! Meanie, meanie!" She pouts, looking up at him with sparkling, teary eyes. Then, she sighs, reverting back to her calm self. "If you see it that way then why don’t you get rid of me then?" Irritating. Even so, she knew that he wasn’t fully lashing out on her. "Hey, Matsuda-kun." She lays back down on the bed, gazing over at him. "You shouldn’t frown so much. It ruins your handsome complexion."

#despairingfashionista #yeah emo and crazy the best combination in people

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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"I see you inching like the dung beetle you are towards me. Don't touch me," he snapped, annoyed by her words. He figured his mother wasn't the only grave who was disturbed during the Most Despairing Incident, even if that crazy organization did do something.

Matsuda ignored the kiss, studying his nails with no small amount of irritation as she continued talking. "Anyone who likes the sight of blood and guts is at least half as mad as you are."

He debated tilting his head back to look at her, but instead he just refused to acknowledge the gesture altogether. "The fact that you're here is what makes it Hell for everybody. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone that would even want your worthless carcass around besides Ikusaba." For all his harsh words, he didn't sound all too vehement.

toxic. [Junko]

Goodie, he didn’t challenge her on her answer. That saves them a bunch of time. In all honesty, she really couldn’t have done anything, since Matsuda’s mother has long been dead. Just thinking about that fond little memory made Junko tear up a bit. And yet, here they are, together again for God knows how long.

"I dunno, Matsuda-kun," Junko says as she inches over to him, "They could’ve found her grave and defiled it. But really, I must have just said it just because. After all, that entire moment was so despairing."

A smirk spreads across her face as she leans in to kiss his cheek, “Look who’s talkin’! You’re just as strange as I am, y’know. You became a neurologist and yet, you can’t stand gore. That’s a huge contradiction.” She then wraps her arms around him. “Don’t say that Matsu-chan.” She snickers at the nickname. “If I’m here, it shouldn’t be that much of a Hell.”

#despairingfashionista #sure make comments on his mom he'll just get moody

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Sudden shift it certainly was, but Matsuda didn't care because talking smoothly had never been his deal. He got points across and spoke his mind--that was about it. It was sort of necessary when dealing with Junko--she could and would twist words and dodge subjects for ages.

It was so easy to forget things when talking with her, but he could hardly let go what had been the most horrifying thing he had ever heard from her. Part of her final taunt. Somehow, it had nearly slipped his mind until just a few moments ago.

At her calm reply, Matsuda narrowed his eyes and stared at her. He searched her face, her steady gaze, but it hit him all at once that she was being absolutely serious. He knelt down by the bed, beside her, his back against the frame. His head went into his hands and he sighed, relieved, the tension leaving.

"The SHSL Despairs came after her death, there's no way..." He turned so he could see her partially from the edges. "...You're strange," Matsuda said with a faint smile, echoing an ancient conversation. "Looks like we're stuck with each other after all. I'm pretty convinced this is Hell."

toxic. [Junko]

Well, talk about sudden. He really was bad at changing the subject, wasn’t he? Here they were, exchanging nice little chatter after a fight and now he’s practically begging to start another. What a loon.

Junko stays quiet for a moment, trying to recall what Matsuda was even talking about. After she stabbed him, did she really mention his mother? She probably just said it to leave him in despair on his last breath. But when she tried to think back on it… The worst that could’ve happened to her was death at the hands of SHSL Despairs.

"I didn’t do anything." She says simply, staring at Matsuda. "I just said that to make you despair during your final moments. If anything, the SHSL Despairs probably did something during their little rampage."

#i'm a surgeon man not a linguist #i'm not articulate gosh #despairingfashionista

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Despairingly happy. What a stupid oxymoron. "Stubborn's a kinder word than you deserve," he said dryly. "But i'll give you that."

Matsuda paused, and then stroked a strand of her hair before stepping back a pace, because he was already predicting trouble after what he wanted to say. He stood beside the bed and looked at her.

"Junko. I need you to tell me something." He tried to keep his tone as calm as possible, hands in his pockets to hide the trembling of his fingers. In the rush of it all, he had forgotten something murmured to him during what should have been his final moments on this terrible earth.

It was far too important to simply let go.

"After you stabbed me, you said something about my mother. Did you do something to her?"

toxic. [Junko]

Once again, everything somehow sorted itself out. That’s just how their relationship was. Crude banter left and right then a fight, then back to the carelessness of it all. It was quite strange. Junko places a finger on her lips, collecting her thoughts for a moment. “I do wanna be happy, Matsuda-kun, but in order to be happy, one has to suffer along the way, don’t they?” That was a deep question. Wow. “I do want us to be despairingly happy together. That would be such a dream come true!” Ah… He smiled. Is he starting to soften up a bit?

Matsuda approaches her once more and moves her forehead to his. He was warm… Could he be a little embarrassed for showing this much affection towards her?

Junko tilts his head at his statement and gives a little chuckle, “I guess you can say that I’m very stubborn to get what I want. I thought you already knew that, Matsuda-kun.”

#dr0 spoilers #right my friend because you know #friends carry friends on emotional leashes

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Despite Hinata's scowling, Matsuda actually showed the very slight signs of a genuine smile on his face. He hadn't spoken with someone in what passed for "normal" in ages, besides Mukuro and Junko. Hinata deserved a fair warning, so with more effort, he curbed his sharp tongue. "...Sorry. I haven't had a normal conversation in...a long time." He didn't intentionally try to sound rude, not really, not without reason. Most his remarks were scathing but empty of actual ire.

At those words, however, any trace of a smile vanished and Matsuda's expression became uncomfortable.

"...Yeah. I'm aware of that. You can't force anything." Matsuda had never actually told anyone this before, and though he had reached the same conclusion as Hinata not long before his final moments, current circumstances...might have given him the time to change things. Maybe. "That girl has been an obnoxious thorn in my side since we first met. Considering no one seems to stay dead around here, I'm more concerned about stopping her spread of Despair."

Jeez, the guy didn’t have to get so snippy about the subject immediately. The sarcasm was fully understood. He wouldn’t be Hinata Hajime if it wasn’t. His calm features reverted back to the usual scowl he had grown accustomed to while enrolled in the school.

"You asked for my opinion and I gave it to you. You don’t have to be such a little bitch about it." He replied sharply, as blunt as ever. "Of course I wouldn’t know all that. I’m not a freaking SHSL neurologist. I’m just going off what I’ve seen." He huffed. "You can’t use surgery to fix everything. If you want a person to truly change, they will have to be willing to do so, even it’s just a little bit. Those who are not willing, i.e. the psychopaths that find themselves to be perfectly fine and enjoy their wacked up life, can’t be saved. Like Junko. She can’t be saved, even if you wiped her memory clean, because she lives off despair and you can’t convince her otherwise."

#hinata-hajimemashita #nah you're infinitely greater

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Matsuda snorted. "That's rather obvious, isn't it? Memory manipulation, brain surgery, that's almost always the very last resort. I've been face to face with Enoshima and her Despair for years now, and still..." Fingers tapped along his cheek, thoughtfully. "I don't know all the intricacies of it. The extent of the damage it's done..."

"Comes down to the nature? People aren't just born absolute psychopaths. Something has to be wrong with them, something developed to craft that persona of theirs. There could be dozens of reasons for this; it could be the brain itself or external influences on the mind. So only certain types of people can use that as an excuse while others are too far gone? Sucks for them, doesn't it?" Sarcasm slipped into his tone again but he turned serious once more.

"Eh. I’m not too sure about it still, though. You’re kinda using people against their will even if it will help them." He stated, shrugging his shoulders. In the case of SHSL Despair, it was necessary, but he didn’t think they’d come across any other people who were as extreme as the group. "I think we focus on prevention rather than correction, you know? Try to keep other Junko Enoshima’s from spreading and whatnot."

"…I guess it all comes down to the nature of the person? If that makes sense…." He spoke a little anxiously. This was the first time anyone had really engaged him in a thought provoking discussion. He was so used to being brushed off as average. "Sure, the guys of SHSL Despair were bad but if you asked why they were doing what they were doing you’d find that most of them didn’t think there was any other way of dealing with their lives since they had such rough lives. Whereas there are the select few that just….frankly like to screw things over. They like chaos. They think its fun. That’s when you can’t really do much."

#hinata-hajimemashita #oh no thank you friend #your Hinata is excellent

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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She regarded him with arched eyebrows before she began to snicker, and Matsuda thought that she was surely going to start mocking him about falling for such a trick. However, it seemed it wasn't the case.

"...I swear, Junko, if you're lying to me right now..."

If he closed his eyes, he could almost hear Ryouko. A silly thought.

"Happy together? I thought you wanted me to fall to Despair and live in eternal suffering. As if knowing you wasn't suffering enough." Matsuda showed a brief smile, which served to take the sting out of his words a little.

A little tentatively at first, he placed a hand on the side of her face and touched their foreheads together. "I can't believe how obnoxious you are. I don't know if your tenacity regarding your goals--even after death--is the height of stupidity or admirable. Either way. You're not winning this time either."

toxic. [Junko]

It’s scary. Feeling this kind of emotion frightened Junko to no end. Of course she loved Matsuda with all her heart. After all, he had stuck by her until the very end, even though he had tried to leave her time and again. Even so, she can take care of herself…

His last embrace was much more gentle than the last. There wasn’t any hate or lust that tainted it. No, it was actually loving. Still, Junko could sense how uncertain Matsuda was. He thought she was fooling him. Was she? She didn’t know herself, really.

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Matsuda was only distantly aware of anything. Touch, sound, scent, sight, taste--it was all hitting him as if it was coming from a thousand miles away. He knew this was a dangerous state of mind, but he was so very tired that he almost didn't want to acknowledge anything. Least of all the girl practically sitting on him.

It took a while but he did eventually lift his eyes to regard her, a sarcastic remark about that single word, please, nearly rising in his throat. It died before it really formed.

He shifted his eyes to some spot over her shoulder, his voice almost a croak, a shadow of its usual sharp bite. "...Is that what you want? I figured you'd want my absolute obedience, preferably in silence. After all, I'm such a bore, aren't I? Tiring?" More and more of a sardonic tinge was creeping in. "Or would you rather I change moods to suit yours?"

His nails were digging into her hard enough to leave marks, and his jaw clenched for a moment. "And you already know the answer to both. Why should I have to repeat myself?"

toxic. [Junko]

When the two kissed, Junko felt a slightly shocking sensation. Did she ever give a kiss like this to someone? She’s kissed Matsuda before, but she had laced her lipstick with poison to subdue him and learn his place that time. Is this what they call love? She asks herself as she continues the kiss. His grip was harsh again, as though he wanted to crush her entirely, yet he didn’t want to let her go either. And even then, she noticed that he would not look at her.

"Matsuda," Junko breaks the kiss for a moment, placing her hand on his cheek. "Look at me… Please." Please? Did she really say that? What a terrible slip up. The two were so vulnerable at this point, showing their weakness like it was nothing. They were in their own cruel world now.

"Stop being pathetic." She says, frowning a little. "Do you love me or not? Do you hate me or are you just saying that? Show me what you’re really feeling for me. Talk to me. Touch me. Anything will do."

#despairingfashionista #basically #oh look at this xmas cheer

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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His shoulders had slumped with defeat for now, and he only actually snapped his attention back to her because of the way she said his name. He had been expecting a victorious snicker or a sneer but she sounded almost...

He told himself it was just a trick of hers, but what for? She had already won. Again. He couldn't beat her again because he had been in love with her for years and the hooks she had in him were deeper than anything else he had ever suffered.

An unusually delayed reaction later, and she finally let go of his hands, freeing his forced grasp on her throat. His arms ended up around her waist, settling there, but his head was lowered in an attempt to avoid her gaze. Frustration and a deep sadness was weighing his entire body down, making him feel like frozen spikes were running along every nerve.

And he shouldn't, because he knows he knows better and will despise himself when he finally gets a grip, but he ended up pulling her against him and and kissing her, a shiver wracking through him, his grip on her strong enough to burn.

In his mind, and in his eyes, it showed clearly nonetheless. He hated her almost as much as he found her fascinating.

toxic. [Junko]

Why? Why did this victory seem… Unsatisfactory? After so long, Matsuda started to show signs of despair and it pleased Junko for now end. His fall was starting, so why was slight uncertainty tugging the back of her mind?

Help? Did he really say that? What help has he even been? Sure, he served as a great asset in the beginning but even so, how was he even trying to help her? He never truly understood and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t succeed. So why now does he decide to show this moment of weakness? Was he finally broken?

She didn’t understand at all.

"Matsuda…." Junko bit her lip in confusion. Her feelings were starting to get the best of her. How stupid. She felt pitiful for Matsuda. If it was to come to this, why didn’t he just give up in the first place? She hates this. Everything is falling into place, like she wanted. There should be no regrets.

His words wounded her deeply. Matsuda hates her, that much is for sure. She accepted that and yet, it was strange when he said it right now. Why? Why, why, why, why, why?!

This feeling… This isn’t despair… This is…!

Junko pulls Matsuda close once more, hugging him. “Shut up. I hate you too.” She mutters, sighing. “Your despair… It’s thrilling. I want to see you sink into more anguish and madness and only I can help you on that path. But for now…” She leans in, her lips barely touching his.

"Let me be the one to numb that pain."

#despairingfashionista #pfft you're fine #you're always fine or beyond it

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Of course she did. Matsuda didn't even dignify that with a response, he just shook his head and sighed.

"...That's good to know. With any luck it could really prove an effective therapeutic device, bar any ridiculous...interference." That strong-willed look was something met with a tinge of respect from the serious surgeon. "You've got a point. Unfortunately not everyone tends to be as open-minded as you. What would be 'irredeemable' to you?"

"She did…" He trailed off, looking down. "But not without Izuru’s help. He implanted an AI program of Junko that infected the entire system. The original plan was to have us live worry free on the island, but she ended up showing up and triggering a mutual killing."

He took a moment before answering the other question, really pondering over his words. Would the program really have gone well without Junko’s intervention? “…Yeah, actually. My time of the island was well spent, but I got to know a group of really amazing people. They were all nice kids, albeit weird. Even during the mutual killing, it took a lot to crack them.” He looked towards Matsuda with a determined expression. “Like I said before, there are two sides to every story. I’m sure they had some pretty legitimate reasons for even joining SHSL Despair, just as you had for doing that surgery.”

#hinata-hajimemashita #send help her real intention is to murder me #weird how there's choking in like 2 threads though--

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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A snarl, in response to the laugh. "Even you couldn't possibly be so stupid as to believe perfection will arise from something as complex as that in just a test or two. Kamukura's's regression back into who he was--that was no fault of mine." Matsuda had no idea why he was even trying to defend himself regarding his talent, and he resolved to drop the issue altogether.

Matsuda felt the coldest spot of ice rise within the depths of his heart when he realized that she was right. This forced grip around her neck, he found it coldly familiar, and--He was trapped no matter what. If he did kill her, it would mean nothing here, and if he didn't...he'd prove her point. Her fingernails were biting into his wrists.

A shadow settled onto his countenance, and he felt his eyes widen slightly with that revelation. He could always just leave, but it wouldn't matter...it'd be an exposure of weakness and she'd prey on it.

"Can't you see I'm just trying to help you?" Years. He had for years.

Again. She had bested him again. This wasn't the first time she had manipulated, pushed and pulled and he thought it'd be different but--it wasn't, it really wasn't, and all he can do is hiss out a simple declaration.

"I hate you."

toxic. [Junko]

Junko laughs right in Matsuda’s face. “Tests, huh? Of course. Just tests. Still, you know perfection was to be expected. Failure shouldn’t be excused so easily. If I wanted to, I could’ve dealt out your punishment right now, but I think I’ll save it for another time. I’ll keep you in such suspense!” As she continued to feel his lips, he grabs a hold of her, making sure to make the same old reminder that he has the strength to kill her. Unfortunately, he can’t strike fear into Junko’s heart that easily.

The fashionista then grabs both of his hands and places them right on her neck. She, too, tightened her grip so her wouldn’t go chickening out. “Do you like that? My neck feels just the same as before, doesn’t it? I’m sure you’re just dying to tighten your grip and just end it right here, right now. So, why don’t you? I’ll come back anyways and you’ll be killed for your crime, only to come back to your dull, suffering life.”

Oh, Matsuda. Still continuing with his endless rambles in an attempt to shoot down Junko’s ego. It’s pointless. Such a sad sight to witness over and over again. “Sure, you have a point. But, I’ll rise again and again to reclaim what’s mine. If I’m defeated, I’ll come back over and over. This is something I wish to bear by myself. I know for a fact that no one else will understand the despair I have encountered and that I wish to experience. Despite your little talent you have, you will never understand me, Matsuda. No matter how badly you wish to.”

#despairingfashionista #talking is what she does best pfft

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Matsuda clenched his fists so tightly that his nails were digging into his palms. "It was a test. Those were tests, and you know it. You were satisfied with the results anyway." Izuru had been different, he thought. He had held--until that Foundation group decided to intervene.

Her touch made his skin crawl and he stood very still, not shoving her back but certainly not welcoming her presence. Matsuda certainly couldn't deny the truth in her words, and that made him sick. He hated that weakness in himself, his inability to tell her no when it actually mattered.

"Tch..."

His hand came up suddenly to grab her hand, strong enough to hurt, tightening his grasp in a pointless reminder that she was already aware of--he was strong enough to strangle someone.

His eyes narrowed in a bid to resist her alluring stare, ignoring the painful twisting in his chest, his entire being, because she was so, so dangerous to him.

"You don't have any power here. For your grandstanding and your constant bitching, you still lost. If you knew how to care for someone without killing them off, maybe you wouldn't have been all alone in the end. Your madness caused your own downfall."

toxic. [Junko]

"Oohh, scary! Scary, scary! Matsuda-kun thinks he’s some tough bastard because he can stand up to me! Goodness, whatever shall I do with such a strong being?" Junko snickers and moves closer to Matsuda. "Of course there’s something wrong with you, stupid. You manipulated people and made them into different beings. Am I not wrong? The results of your little game were Ryouko and Izuru. And, if I’m not mistaken, they’re both gone from this world. Super High School Level Neurologist, my ass.”

Junko wraps her arms over Matsuda, pulling him close. “And you should know when to shut your trap. If I’m losing my touch, then why are you still here? Why do you allow me to touch you and talk to you as you listen to my every word? Face it, Yausuke. No matter how much you wish to fight it, you are already the loser and you’re mine forever. I could’ve just thrown you away and left you to fend for yourself. You would’ve been at my mercy and if you decided to get allies to protect yourself they would go down one by one.”

As she rambled on, she plays with his hair and goes through all the tangles and knots. His hair was surprisingly soft which amused Junko even more.

"Mat-su-da." She enunciates every syllable in his name, licking her lips afterwards. "This is all a game. A game that I aim to win. Come on." She provokes, now tracing his lips with her finger ever so softly. "Give me all your hatred, your love. Tell me how much you hate me, how much you wish for me to die. Growl my name in that lovingly manner. And in return, I’ll give you the despair of my never ending, distorted love. I’ll make it all go away for just a brief moment, but I’m sure that would suffice for you until you start to crave more."

Upupu.

#despairingfashionista #you're so good that i'm gonna cry #but now i do have to step out for a bit whoops

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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He watched her frown, arms still folded, eyebrow arched for the inevitable storm. When she stood up, he just continued to stare at her, meeting her glower head-on.

"Oh my dearest apologies," he sneered. "I don't want to waste more time with you than needed, so I'd rather we cut straight to the heart of things."

That silenced him for a moment. Then: "I have no doubt there's something wrong with me, because against all logic I keep staying by your side."

Matsuda knocked her hand away and sat up straighter, fixing his cold gaze on her.

"You must be losing your touch," he repeated, sardonic "Manipulation's always been your specialty. Surely you already know."

toxic. [Junko]

Junko stares up at the ceiling, frowning with such intensity. Irritating. So annoying. Shut up, just shut up, shut your dirty mouth. She gets up from the bed and saunters over to Matsuda, glowering at him.

"You really think you’re such hot shit, huh? Because you can come up with any kind of insult and talk down on me so easily. You issue a challenge every single time. Do you like fighting that much?” She huffs, “Please. You are amusing, I’ll give you that, but like I said, that nature of yours gets tiresome after a while. It totally isn’t attractive.”

Junko places a finger on Matsuda’s head, tapping it slightly. “Hey, Matsuda-kun. I wanna know what goes on in your head. I bet you’re just as twisted as I am. You just don’t want to admit it.”

She gives a sinister giggle, “C’mon, you wouldn’t mind, would you? I can find out all those thoughts and emotions that go through that grey matter you call a brain. Then, I can change you into whatever I want! After all, that’s what you did to me and Hinata, right? I want to know what it’s like!”

#despairingfashionista #nah you're perfectly fine #aaand it's round 2

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Matsuda's face acquired an exasperated grimace before turning deadpan. "God forbid we offend the deranged and the depraved, where have I placed my manners?"

"They can kill themselves off. Merry Christmas to them! Repeated murders because no one can even stay dead in this goddamned school."

"Christmas seems like the type of holiday where all should be joyful! You say the humans in the school should enjoy themselves, but what about those who thrive and feed off of killing? If they don’t kill, their holiday won’t be very merry, no? Perhaps writing off the ‘Hopefuls’, as you call them, and giving them to the insane and deranged might be a good present for all of us!"

#pfft nah you're fine #oh and merry xmas to you~#izayalogy

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acidicremarks · 10 years

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Matsuda sighed very hard.

Oh well. It wasn't as if he had never kissed her before.

Placing a hand on her shoulder, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers in a surprisingly warm gesture.

"There." Putting his hands up and taking a step back, he scowled again. "Good deed towards you is done for the year."

"...I almost forgot it's your birthday." It takes a moment but he does, actually, smile. "You don't need one of those dumbass things from the Monostore or whatever but I might owe you a favor. Might."

"M-Matsuda-kun… Do you really mean that?"

Whoa, wait, he’s smiling. That’s… Shocking. And he’s willing to do something for her too?

"Did you go and hit your head or something? You usually don’t act like this, but whatever. A favor, right? Oh!" Junko motions to her lips and presses her finger against them. Wink wink.

#despairingfashionista #now he gloats you cant call him heartless

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