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how am i feeling about acting today
it's tuesday, november 15, 2022, 3:29P colorado time. i opened my laptop to edit the video and then had this idea. my ideas usually burst in that way. and i have another idea to run this text through google translate to get a vietnamese version.
belinda is interviewing a girl on zoom. it's cute, and awesome that belinda is having a conversation in hopes that the person / girl she's talking to, is skilled and great to work with. belinda has enough experience and knowledge to figure it out through this conversation.
zack is probably working at his desk.
and i was going to talk about my relationship with acting, w whatever it is that i'm trying to dedicate my life to. i found out that constance wu has a book. oh i would like to read that book. she also apparently has a daughter. how the entertainment industry, who r u and what are we to each other. i want to get distracted so bad, i want to look things up. but i guess i'll stay here for now.
this is my first entry and it could be short or it can be long. i'm reading kieu chinh's memoir, and siren queen by nghi vo. i just finished the acting bible, after two+ years. i'm very proud of myself. just like i would be proud of myself after i finish that video.
my lower back hurts. what that has to do w acting, is a mystery at first. i'm thinking about my lower back bc as much as i would like to sprint towards being a talented and successful actor, my mental and physical health cannot pay the price for it. i will not allow it. right...? it's tempting, so tempting. sometimes. to think, that i want acting to the point of sacrificing my well-being. it's easy to say when i am well. but seeing how messed up my life was, and thinking, would i go back there if someone guaranteed another line on hbo... guarantees, do those actually work. and i am selfish, i want more right? if i can imagine it, being, a line on hbo and not having to endure 2020, i will work towards it. like i am now. simultaneously trying to work on my health and when i'm able, on this 'career,' career, life.
so where am i right now. i'm in boulder colorado. the plan was to spend a holiday w my sister. to make sure she doesn't spend christmas by herself with the cats again bc she couldn't find a cat-sitter. i was appalled. i did not think that she would do that. and i was surprised. and i felt sad. she probably was ok, which is why she did it. but seeing that she would , or that would happen to her, i've decided to come to boulder when the snow starts to fall. to make sure, that she doesn't have to be alone during the cold holidays if she doesn't want to be. and what this has to do with acting, well, this is my life right now. acting is my life, and this is also my life.
acting is my life. spoken like i am an actor. how bizarre, i'm not acting right now, and yet i am an actor. but an actor that is out of work, is that person still an actor. an actor who is not good at acting, is that person still an actor? the simple and obvious answers are yes. the affirming answer is yes. and the enlightening process is that acting, for me, is a psychological wonder. since deciding dec 2013 / jan 2014, it's been quite a journey. so close to a decade, of this mindset. i lept off the cliff, sort of. but i kinda also did. and now i'm here. in boulder, sitting next to a cat. who would have thought. i wanna time travel just so i could have a conversation w myself.
hey
hey... um, what the fuck is going on.
just breathe. life is weird and i'm sure u know that
do i
yes, and u will
ok. what's going on
well, i'm you, but from the future
how long are you going to be here
i'm not sure, hopefully for a while
why do u say that
bc i wanna hang out w u
word
i just want to tell u, don't do regret # 1 and don't sleep or even touch mano.
WUT, wut is regret #1 and, i'm going to sleep w mano?
let's pretend we have telepathy and u know what regret #1 is.
omg, i'm a fucking monster.
u didn't know better. i'm sorry. and hopefully me telling u now will prevent u from making such a horrible mistake.
but doesn't this mean that something else horrible is going to happen? somethng that u don't know about bc you're changing the past right now
possibly
ur trying to fix my life, our life, but instead, youre fucking it up beyond our imagination
well i couldn't not try
since we're thinking this through rn, let's just learn the lesson, that we have to learn our lessons. we have to live w what life gives us, as shitty is it is. just fucking take it. make peace with it. we can't change it.
well then, u still have a choice. u spare her, then something else will happen, so do u stick to a familiar wrong, or take the risk, even accept a more horrible wrong.
are we smart or are we dumb.
we like surprises too much.
fuck.
please don't sleep w bao thai from the monastary in the south
who the fuck even is that
you're a slut, what can i say. i mean, we kinda knew that as a kid,
uggghhh you're literally ruining my life
it's not me, it's society. we are merely a drop of water in this waving ocean
but you're also kinda cool.
yea, well. we're trying to grow lotuses from the mud, and it seems like, even when we don't try, we can at least grow some leaves or pond weeds.
...
i'm not going to explain, (fuck the audience, if u know, good job, if u don't, whatever, good luck.)
wow this is really enlightening.
i mean, it's a miracle
ur trying to heal the past
how do u know
i'm u, and maybe this miracle bequeaths me some special powers too
my god, i love this too much
it's great
yea
i'm sorry
no i'm sorry
we're both sorry then. life seemed rough
haha, you're telling me after u just got fucked twice in vietnam
well, i'm glad u lived through it, in addition to apparently bigger fuck ups.
yea. well. thanks.
you're welcome. anytime
r u actually from 2014, u seem a lot wiser.
miracle magic, and cmon, this is all imaginary, enjoy it
thanks
you're welcome, again. -- so it's gonna be rough huh
yea
can u write down a list
sure
better yet, just send it telepathically through your mind
ok. um, let's see
OK, so no messing w her, dam, who the fuck is brock turner, and good job chanel. WTF i'm fucking messedup. i cheat on them?
yea
NOOOOOOO no no no no no T_T
i'm sorry, but u can, not do it?
can i? do i really have a choice, isn't something worse going to happen?
is it
UGHHH god, i'm horrible, you're horrible, i haven't done it yet. but GAD
i'm sorry my love
don't call me that
you sound like belinda
belinnddaaaa, how is she
she's a boss, like always. she's awesome, but sometimes mean, but also a good person, always.
her compass is always straight, except when it comes to herself
again, aren't u supposed to be from 2014.
what can i say, getting fucked twice so close to each other gave me some insight
touche
ok so what else.
i think that's enough for now, we're going through a lot right now.
u haven't even gotten to the mano thing.
well the mano thing was recent. and thinking about it, that's it. don't fuck them, don't cheat on them, don't sleep w the dude from the monastary, move to la immediately, go to acting school immediately, and when u meet, q, never let him go. and don't sleep w mano.
can't wait to meet q
i can't wait for u to meet q. y'all get married.
whooooaa
sorta
of course i would sorta marry someone. ok, don't touch mano. got it
good, i'm glad you understand that now
how was it
to be honest, it was ok, even though it was always fucked, and then u really go fucked. i'm still trying to deal w it now.
dam, i'm sorry dude.
it's ok dude.
u look good
thanks. -- ok, i think it's my time to go
wau, so short. i hope to see u again, i hope that we can hang out forever and ever
me too love. take care and good luck.
thanks, u too.
bye
bye
ok wow, good job. good good good job. r we gonna edit the video now. um, im not sure. translate into vietnamese, i'm not sure. i will keep breathing though. good job babe. good good good job~
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i need a place all to myself
and i guess that place is here, or it could be on google docs, maybe i should i try google docs
i'm spiraling dude. i'm chewing on sour patch candies, getting gummy in my mouth while i type these words
i need (or thought i needed) a dopamin kick, for the pain i went through this morning as well as to ride out the work i'm about to do. it's almost over, i'm almost there.
i can do it. baby steps. baby steps, i can do it.
i see you, crashing. maybe u just need jesus
maybe u need to sit
maybe maybe maybe
u need a new life
maybe u need a tesla. i really hope you're not reading this. but if i must, i want mano to give me (his/a) tesla. so . that's what this is about
maybe i need to go out and buy a bag of takis
maybe i'm spiraling.
here i go, i'm spiraling,
shouldn't have gone to sacramento and the party and the kehlani concert
but that's in the past
i need/can take care of myself in the present moment
i need myself to care of myself in the present moment
i need takis
takis
ok love, i believe in you
i believe i n you
i see u
you're suffering
u got feelings
you're also talented and wonderful,
i believe in you
i believe in you
i believe in you
good luck, i'll be here
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mucking things up here, i mean, does it even matter. like, how much is my abuse worth? $100? god, so many thoughts just popping up like rays of light. i probably have more things to share about.
so i'm going to make this video. for me. for meeee. i need to cut my nails though, so i brb
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So freeing up the photos on my phone means posting to tumbler? Should I put this is the blog w belinda instead…?
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wow, lookit me, what mindspace was i in when i was on tumblr
For people who want one good reason why a black actor should play a white character: here’s 10.
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hmmm, i gotta get into this. also, i've transitioned away from the oscars. i've living my own life, not trying to climb up a white made world. thank uuuuuu
I’m happy anytime our ppl do something special but why is that we always have to play a certain role in order to win award? We are more than maids, slaves and ppl associated with violence. Reblog if you agree.
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cuuuute, this must be where i got that idea from. wow, how i've grown. the things i went through. the things i've collected. cool. :)
Decades before gay partnerships became the hot topic of political campaigns numerous high profile artists, including Walt Whitman and Greta Garbo, carried on same-sex unions which helped enrich American culture, according to a new book.
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ooohhh kayyy i don't remember why i put this here, but it is the first post of this blog so much be significant. i mean, person of color in filmmaking so. kewl kewl. will look more into it.
and apparently gay, so coool!
“Their partnership has a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest partnership in independent cinema history.”
— http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ismail_Merchant
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love infinite
the discipline, the want, the wonder. should i try to creatively write in vietnamese? ok, i planted the seed, maybe tomorrow. what i will need to do today is figure out
ok, i figured some things out
hello, how are you
once upon a time, there was a girl, no a woman. everything everywhere all at once was pretty cool. it's deep. i'm also looking forward to nope. anything jordan peele so far is freakin great. keke palmer come through.
dear mom, it seems like we will never understand each other fully but we will always love each other infinitely.
let my ideas kiss the page, kiss the screen. oh yea, wasn't i going to go back in time and edit today... :) see u later alligator, i love u so much. and i love it when u speak vietnamese to me. ;)
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creative writing
so yahoo owns tumblr eh?
my demons of yesterday
i make them wait for me
and torture the both of us
fucked up
creative writing, i need to get a mouse wrist rest
call an
u know, the usual
creative writing
once upon a time
there was a girl
except she didn't like being a girl. at least, not in the way that girls usually are. girls rule and boys drool. that was her motto. then she went to college and learned about how much it sucked to be a girl. girls don't get paid as much, girls don't get the high paying jobs, girls get harassed and abused, and sidelined and belittled. sexism sucks. so she didn't like that. and she thought, that by going by 'they' instead of 'she,' they could change things. but things don't change the way she thought they would. it's like looking at a mountain and knowing that water corrodes rock. it doesn't happen overnight. and does one even have the patience to see it through. will they suffer mental illness before the rock changes? in my experience, yes definitely.
mental illness, i've suffered illnesses. physical illnesses abound. what's funny is that in these last couple of years, i haven't gotten sick at all. i've been very vigilant about germs, and maybe it's also because i've been taking care of my mental health. or maybe it's ... well. whatever, i don't feel like going down that thread anymore. i think it's time to go back in time, and see what i've written... and build upon that...? ya ya? creative writing. maybe i should reserve the editing for night.
once upon a time, there was a girl, named lan zhan. haha, omg i can't w myself. her mom died at a young age. and actually. wait. maybe it should be her dad... hmm. yea, that sounds better. her dad died she she was young. her aunt was very strict and only permitted her and her older sister to see their dad once a month. she really liked those visits, even though she pretended to be unaffected when her dad teased her. one day, her strict aunt said that there would be no use visiting anymore. but she still went to her dad's place to wait for him to open the door. that girl grew up to be a very obedient student. until this other girl came, and messed everything up. the end.
to create is to create is to create
lan zhan and her older sister xi chen were known as the twin jades, very beautiful. but lan zhan was a meanie, cold, was not social. xi chen was more friendly.
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what a creator
creative writing creative writing, i'm going to be watching my favorite show w people who also like the show, does that count as creative writing?
a keyboard that splits and a vertical mouse
aacting, well, i got a chemistry read and i really should sign up for an acting class. an electric scooter is coming today and i can't wait to return it so i can have $6000 in my bank account instead of $5000.
i've set up a little more of the home office. i'm working out of the work laptop and i've figured out how i'm going to use my personal laptop. right on top of my work laptop.
film fest is next week. we're feeling the anticipation. an event that we've been working on for the past month, is coming up. also signaling and end but we need to get through it first.
i keep turning around to look at myself in the mirror
ok, creative writing
uh, the fanfics i read are so good
i guess it must have taken practice to write those words on the page
the internet is truly a wondrous place. how is that not a word
how is that how wondrous is spelled
okay
so
one day, there was a girl who
had no parents
and was picked up by her mom's ex boyfriend
well,
actually her dad's former employer
who liked her mom
his wife did not like this one bit
but she was cruel
for she knew, one day
this girl would protect her own daughter
w the girl's life
ehem, golden core
i crack myself up
i have a covid text in thirty minutes.
how much more 'creative writing' should i write
one day
there was a girl
who didn't think she was gay
until she started questioning
am i gay
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creative writing
it's funny how the title of my writing is what it is. for example, this creative writing is titled creative writing. morning poetry is titled morning poetry.
hello, here i am (rock you like a hurricane.)
my fingernails are growing longer. they're clicking and bending against the keyboard.
creative writing.
well.
once upon a time, there was this person, who was born female. and we know what that means. she didn't know what that meant, but she also knew what that meant. she knew that she wasn't allowed to hop, run, and play like boys. she was supposed to be proper. she was supposed to be well behaved. when she grew older, she was supposed to resist. she was supposed to not 'be easy.' she was supposed to be 'not a slut.' she was supposed to be ... and there was social influences that told her to 'not be like other girls.' or maybe that was the queerness in her. being gay was not welcomed. it wasn't talked too much about, but it was an every day figure of speech. where did 'that's so gay' even come from.
i can't help but talk to myself, i think i don't do it enough. my fingernails are too long to type. my body is trying to tell me something.
sisters. two people, born female. from the same vagina. parents. sex. weird.
i will need to cut my fingernails today.
creative writing
poetry
my words in a poem
it's tuesday may 3, 2022
it's thứ ba, ngày 3 tháng 4 ăm lịch, i love that. there was a new moon on the first day of the month.
work is coming up like a tidal wave. things are coming, the energy is building. and i am practicing, doing my best, this is the test
of time
poetry
feelings of this morning
dwelling in the present moment
i am averting
work
it's there, calling to me
or so i perceive
i'm called to it
this cycle reminds me of past behavior
my shoulders are tensing
they carry the weight of my fear
let my fear slide down from my shoulders
and into my arms
so i can hold it
rock it
embrace
take refuge in my lungs
the intersection of my body and mind
i see my life moving
as air through my chest and face
i point my attention and consciousness
to my living
am i living
am i living
am i living
dearest love. there's a lot of energy today
notice it
don't push it away
breathe w it
be solid
be rooted
to mother earth
let her take care of u
i am taking care of u
have a wonderful day my love
i'll see u later~
<3
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Title
hi love, is anything on the internet really private? mondays are charged aren't they? i felt like at one point in time, they can be really great. it's the start of a new week. what's not to love. actually, probably a lot for a lot of people
creative writing. just make 魔道祖师 lesbian. done. so good. soo very awesome.
lan an? wen ying ying? cute, beautiful, y not. it's actually ning yingying. like wen ning the ning. ... i think. research is great. 宁婴婴。啊还有我的名字，何玉英。挺好听的。何玉兰，何玉蘭。何玉英。hao, hao,
alright alright,
too much like the original story and it's just not believable. not interesting. but force myself to make it anyways, like the youtube videos i have on the internet.
ning yingying, was taken home by madame jiang, who used to really like her servant. sigh, what is this story. madame jiang had two kids, the eldest brother, jiang cheng, (haha) and a girl ning yingying's age, yanli. (will this really work?) jiang cheng was a caring older brother while yanli was a brat, who eventually warmed up to yingying. AHAHHAHAH i'm writing a chinese story? anna, u r quite the person.
we're leaving soon. i love u so much. it's funny to be 30. life is quite the journey. fear rises and falls. life is like waves, in the ocean. the ocean is big.
i love u very much. i will love u every day, every second, every fiber of my body, every blood cell, every cell of my body loves u, loves me, loves us, loves ourselves.
have a great monday my love. i'll see u later~
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hello, so tumblr automatically opened the right blog. i wonder if that was intentional. what do i not know.
there are several places that i'm writing in. i have so many journals.
i love u. no matter what, everything will be ok. trust in the earth, i am part of the earth. sometimes i'm good. like now. and sometimes, i just feel despair... like what am i doing.
another book is coming tomorrow i think. i got to keep this book. lust. excitement. it's weird. the happiness i feel, it's real right? but ... i don't know. drugs. coherence. i love u. i love myself.
vaping. i don't know what i'm going to do. i can't throw it away, but i can't not vape either. i should probably call chi trang. ask her about how she felt to toss drugs down the toilet. very dramatic. but it paints quite a picture.
nếu mình nói bằng tiếng việt thì sao? mình, love, self. you and me. ươ, profound. ngọc anh, tui, tôi, mình là người việt đó có ý nghĩa gì? chuyền thống, thế hệ. ươ, thế giới rất lớn, rộng bao la.
creative writing. i write creatively the stories i think and see in vietnamese. how peculiar. oh, i'm thinking ideas. how wonderful. this vape is poisoning me. i've reached my fill. how peculiar.
i'll try to wind down earlier. said on the day that i will arrive home very late. latest in a while.
dearest love, i know u r suffering and i am here for u. your body moves like it's suffering, it's grasping, it's fallen off the edge and doing desperate. but we don't think it's desperate. we think, we try to normalize. we don't want to say we are suffering. maybe if we say it's ok, it is. maybe it will pass.
and it will pass. we know it will pass. dwell in the present moment. just breathe. that's the only thing we need to do.
sangha meditation in five minutes? we've been on here for a while. we come early when we can. also bc we've forgotten several times and we don't want to miss it this time. we never really want to miss it. so here we are.
going back to read is painful isn't it? especially when i know that i was in pain. but at the time, i was fine. i was trying to be fine. maybe that's how i'm operating now. life, life is weird.
i love u. do u feel better? we dream of los angeles. we move in southern california. it's weird. but it's magical. it's enlightening. it's life.
ooooohhhkaaayyy annnnnnaaaa. ppl r coming. ppl r here.
i love u, have a great day. i know you can do it. a little nerves, but hey, enjoy the moment. dwell in it. enjoy it, enjoy life. we are living.
see u later love. <3 bye, i love u~
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more creative writing from me
more like journaling
hello
i'm here
i made a deal last night
read more pages, and throw away the vape, but i made a compromise this morning, to not vape until i finish reading the book
i can feel its presence in the drawer next to me
i feel like i'm about to go through a tough time
let's see how strong this addiction is
but more honestly, let's so where my mental state is
to feel is to know is to feel
and so maybe i don't want to know
how do i turn back the hands of time
so i am born again in ignorance
is that impossible? can i condition myself to be that way
is that denial
i'm working a fulltime job right now
does that mean i can take some time off next months
sounds like a deal, thank you~
i love u anna, i'm not sure what else to say
we uncoupled w q in november 2021, and so we've been only with ourselves since then
but maybe we can count january 2021, when we finally broke off that disaster of a relationship. it's been a rough ride. and even then ... i don't know where things start or end. it feels like i've been on this journey for a long time, but those start times don't feel authentic to me
our relationship has gotten deep. i've put time into practicing self soothing. and it's been nice to be present, and get to know you. i love you. getting to know u, i can't help but love you.
dearest love, i trust you. i believe in you. i am here for you.
thank you for brushing your teeth every night. thank you for flossing every day. thank you for being mindful of when we are feeling frustrated, and practicing patience and kindness, practicing embracing our frustration and taking care of it. just being w it. and transforming it. the transforming is what we yearn for, but it makes sense that the other parts shouldn't be rushed.
thank you for agreeing to not vape for a while. we've been thinking about how many puffs we take during the day. it was a lot yesterday. i hope i don't lean too much into the book. i can see that happening.
creative writing. your noodle princess story yesterday was cute. what can i say.
dearest love, i can't help but love u when i open my eyes and mind to how much u try. your effort is quite amazing. and it also allows me to understand and love the world. bc u r, i am. we got this. we will be ok. we will be more than ok. we are choosing happiness and wellbeing. everything else is a bonus. we are choosing ourselves, everyone else is a bonus.
we need to put water in the bamboo plant.
here's a story for you.
once upon a time. there was a girl who worked at a noodle shop. (haha) one day a person came in. the girl didn't know if that person was a man or a woman. the person was beautiful. and noodle girl wanted to know more about the person.
another day, another person came into the noodle shop. this person was ugly. but they were kind. noodle girl did not want to be around this person.
yet another day, yet another person came to the noodle shop. this person was ugly and rude. noodle girl was taken aback. she wanted to push this person out of the shop, but was also hesitant, afraid of this person's outbursts.
i love you beb, have a great day, i'll see you tomorrow.
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