a-private-place
A Private Place
Where I say stuff I don't feel like other people need to hear.
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So, it's been a really really long time since I last posted here. I just kind of... started saying a lot of the gloomy stuff on my main blog
I'm sure there's a good chance the few of you still around kind of forgot you were following this (not as in you forgot about me, as in just we tend to forget stuff when it goes of the radar for years). So no obligation to stick around or read all this, though you're welcome to if you want. Really in many ways this was always just a journal that had the advantage of maybe someone hearing it
As for what's been going on and why I'm back, I'll put most of it under a break, but here's the summary. Things are going much better for me, but I'm still suicidal and depressed because that's just probably how I always will be. It is better though
The stuff I'm about to post isn't exactly horrible stuff or anything, it's just things that are a little more honest about how I'm feeling than I want to share on my main blog. I just... as much as I'm myself there, I can't take letting the mask slip enough to say it, and I've decided here... fine, I need to say it so here will work
If I happen to discreetly mention this on my main blog, and you know me directly that's fine. I just can't bring myself to be totally open in that space, I'd be happy enough to have the people I know know this stuff
Anyway... man I suck at keeping it short, here comes the break though
Well, a few years ago with a lot of help from my dad financially (which if I'm honest I feel guilty about), I found this wonderful place 50 miles from anything in any direction, and because of that it was only $90k, which I could barely afford
It's this amazing former hotel in this town of like... 150 people, and it needs a lot of work but the worst of it tends to be like... the basement door is a mess, huge gap under it that's an insulation nightmare, and I've found a few mice that I have to take far a way to release that that's the number one suspect for where they get in
I don't really have any money, so fixing stuff is gonna fall on me, but... I don't know what I'm doing and it's hard to get started. I'm slowly working on it, but I'm nowhere near as productive as I'd like
I took up woodworking a bit before I got the house, I like it a lot. I actually have a huge commission (physically, like it's like 4 feet tall when most of the stuff I do is 8 inches) which has been done since the start of the year, but I've kind of felt too depressed and guilty about how much money I probably should ask for it given the time to took. The commissioner's been really cool though, ideal person to deal with and honestly really helped make the piece great
This isn't it, this is actually a pretty old piece from before I moved, but I don't have a picture of the commission on my desktop so here's an example
I ended up having to let my mom move in with me. I'm not exactly happy about it, but most of the time I manage to put the past out of my mind and then it mostly works. Managed to help her get disability so that's how the bills are covered now that my money all ran out (she spent the last of my money before that happened an my account got closed like $500 in the hole, so... yeah)
Got her horrible trailer totally emptied, still going through stuff here which is hard because... I'm bad at it. I'm good at emergency clean up, just stuff the total trash into a dumpster, and everything else you bag or box fast as can be to give another pass. Haven't been able to make myself do that second pass
It was a nightmare if I'm honest. I got photos, you probably don't want to see them. The place was so badly damaged we didn't get a dime, we got an agent kind enough to ask a contact who repairs stuff to take it as is for free, and that's it
Pandemic didn't effect me cause I never leave my house anyway and I'm in the middle of nowhere. I found out that I've been living like I'm in quarantine my whole like, so that part didn't bother me, but might tell you why I'm so messed up. I don't know
Had enough room that a friend of an acquaintance on here was kicked out during the pandemic and I offered them a place to stay. I won't say it was a bad move, because morally it was probably the right thing, but a year later they're still here. Turns out despite driving cross state their driver's license has been expired 8 years, they're almost more of a fuck up than I am, and... they still don't have a new ID to apply for housing assistance with cause... I don't know, it sucks
As for me, I'm still really depressed a lot of the time, suicidal most days like I used to be. Still can't make myself get a job, mostly cause of the insomnia, and I haven't made the commission end of the woodworking come together yet
I feel pretty horrible about not having an income, really worthless and like a leech, and honestly what I'm really wanting most days is to get this place cleaned up enough (and the person I let live here moved on), and invite this friend I really like who has kind of similar problems stay here. Then I want to get my hands on a gun and blow my brains out, leave the place to her and get my worthless self out of here like I feel would be best
It's fucked up probably, but that's how I feel most days. Oh, and before you say the obvious, I'd love a therapist, but I can't be driving 50 miles for one and all the online ones say I'm too depressed to work with. So uh... just know while that's not great it's stable and I'm still here after many days of feeling that
Worry that I'm feeling that way if you want, probably the wise call, but don't worry about me being in immediate danger
Anyway, bad as that all probably sounds, this is the best I've ever done in my life. Things are more stable than ever before, I have more friends online than I ever used to, I kind of almost have one singular skill for once. It's messed up and I often feel like I don't deserve it, but in some ways I'm one of the best off people in the US right now, which sucks that everyone else is on such shaky ground. Thing is though, I've got no mortgage, and because of that the disability just covers the utilities and groceries (though it's been tight covering my cat's chemo these past few months, it was pretty ok before that)
Well, if you read all this I hope you're doing ok yourself. Good chance we don't know each other really, only like one or two people from my main knew about this one, the rest of you were strangers more or less but I appreciated you
I'm... I'm tired a lot, like an unreasonable amount, but if you ever need to talk, just shoot me a message. Once I'm awake enough I'll be happy to respond. I'm not good at much, but I can listen
Really hope you're doing alright whoever you are. Probably more to come, though... I haven't slept all night and this took longer than I expected and I don't want to slap down some of the feelings that made me want to come back here. I need... I don't know, the right frame of mine
Oh yeah, also been doing Irish the past few years on duolingo. I'm not really able to speak like a child yet, but uh... know a few things in it
Take care
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It’s always good to know that when you need someone no one will be there for you. Like, I’m not even really mad or anything because there are certain people I like to much to be mad at and I get it, what do you even say?
but on the other hand, the thing i really never want to say. the thing i like people to much to say. the thing that i dont want certain people to hear, and im pretty sure one of them follows this blog so dont look under the break. the thing i want to shield them all from. the thing i dont even know how fair it is to say. the thing i have sitting in my drafts but would never publish unless i was dead. the thing ive wrten this whole paragraph to put off saying because i really dont want to hurt anyone i like’s feelings. the thing that’s not really even their fault in anyway. the thing that i mean i really cant expect any thing different and dont deserve anything different. i think most of all, the thing i dont want any of them to feel bad about even a little, just maybe change.
so if you care about me your promising that if you hit the read more you aren’t going to beat yourself up, or feel bad, or in anyway cause yourself pain because i don’t want you hurting. you promise to see it as no harm no foul on your part if you click read more
you’re all kind of shitty friends. a lot of it’s my fault because i don’t know how to open up and i don’t know how to be interesting, but when i really need someone i know i can count on the fact that no one will be there
like if you did read this; one, remember your promise. two, your better friends than i’ve had before, all of my high school friends i also could count on to be nowhere in sight if i needed them. you’re better than they were
i also don’t mean to brag because it’s important to my sanity to say im just shit at everything, but everyone tends to say they feel better after venting to me because i tend to make them say they felt like i understood them. so i’m just saying, all i do is think how whatever they’re saying would make me feel, then kind of say what i think that sounds like it feels like. your good people, that’s my secret juju, use it to be the nice person you are. oh, and trying to like personal posts/reblog works just to try and show support, that one’s less important. i could do a lot better on knowing what to say to personal posts
anyways, specifically i know you follow this blog apples, i checked and you do. so if you read this, you promised not to take this personally. i don’t want you to feel bad about anything, i want things to work out for you. it’s just i had to actually say it for once, all my friends kind of suck as friends. i love you, but i still don’t have even the illusion of a support system
oh, and egalitarian-gamer, you’re the other name i recognized and wouldn’t want you to feel neglected if you read this. im sure you figured out who i am, where we know each other from. don’t talk much, but i wouldn’t want you to feel bad either
none of this is anyone’s fault. it’s just you do all suck at being there for your friend. i suck too, but if i’m honest not as much. i really hope you get what i mean. i really hope you kept your promise about not feeling bad or in anyway being mean to yourself over what i said. if you did read this and you couldn’t keep your promise i get it, you can’t control your feelings, but can you at least let me know so i can make it up to you in some way?
not that any of you will read this, i write too much. if you do though, can you understand that all i really care about is seeing you all happy. i don’t really care about much as long as life’s going your way. i just wish there was more i could do, that i was useful and could pay all your rent and stuff. i really do just want you to be happy. i told you a hard truth that you’ve been kind of honestly failing me as friends, so i hope you can see that the fact that i only want you to be happy is also the truth. why would i hide that one or lie about it here?
i hope i end it soon so i stop being a burden on you, you’ll go so much farther without the stress i add. i don’t know if i can love, but if i could i’d say i love you all. i don’t know if we’re really friends, i don’t know if i’m capable of having friends. but i think of you that way. i don’t think i know what friends are, and it really actually is 90% my fault, maybe 4% yours, 6% life
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And I’m really lonely a lot of the time, and I might look for a relationship, but who the hell would date a loser who doesn’t even have a job?
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I just, I don’t know. I have no skills at this point, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself. Growing up my mom was super overprotective and needy, and I basically never was able to have any friends or do anything because of it
One time my grandma was going to take me on a cruise, but a psychic told my mom I was going to die, so she wouldn’t let me go. If I was out with friends I was supposed to let me mom know if we changed locations, who I was with, all that; so I never ended up seeing anyone outside of school
No she crashes on my couch in the apartment that my dad pays for for me, and still expects me to keep her informed if I go out so she won’t worry. Like... I don’t know where I go from here. Even if I get her place cleaned up, even if I give her the boot or get her moved someplace she can pay for and either way out of my life... what the fuck am I going to do with myself. I don’t have any skills that can get me any money. I just plain don’t have any skills. Like no joke I’m pretty fucking useless and worthless
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Another time she, my dad, and me were at a concert. She wandered off so my dad and I just were hanging out. She comes back and tells me how if I had a girlfriend and neglected her like that she’d have broken up with me. We ended up leaving before the band I’d wanted to see even played because I just didn’t even want to be there anymore
Plus comments like that always from her make me feel super gross
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I’ve told this one before, but when I was like 13 I’d skipped soccer practice. She comes into my room at like 6 in the morning to yell at me. All I remember is the last thing she said was, “and who’d ever want to marry a loser like you”
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I don’t even fully hate her. She’s a 13 year old. Her parents were horrible, especially her mom. She’s stunted. If I were someone else I’d feel sorry for her, maybe want to help. But I can’t, not her. Not after everything. I have to just shut down just to survive
She’s not a bad person, just a fucking train wreck; but I’ve been having to be a parent to her since I was... well like however old I was in that story my dad told. I can’t deal with it. I’m fucking dying
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Every time she talks about wanting to kill herself because she’s a burden, yes she is. The problem, the horrible truth of why I don’t want her to, because then cleaning her trailer and storage unit would become harder. I might not stop her if it wasn’t for that because she’s literally cost me over $10,000. She makes my home a fucking mess
I was planning to cut her out of my life at 18, but then she started acting better. That may have been the biggest mistake of my life not doing that
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So I grew up hearing a story about what a well behaved kid I was, that I only ever threw a tantrum once. I really wanted this stuffed dino, and I ended up throwing a tantrum, so my mom didn’t give in which taught me good morale, but came back the next day and got it for me for later. That was the story I always heard again and again
Except, last time my dad was visiting he brought it up. I thought I knew what he was about to say, but it was completely different. Same set up, end of a long day we go to a store. He says I’m told I can get one stuffie (I’m like 2 or 4 or something). There’s a dino that I want
Except he says there’s a different dino that my mom wants. He ends up telling me that the reason I threw the tantrum was because I was really upset and wanting to get the thing for my mom and the one I really liked. That they couldn’t afford both, so he was having to put his foot down, so I ended up having a break down trying to make my mom happy
He was pretty mad telling it, mad that my mom had been so manipulative to a little kid. I don’t know, thinking about that new version of things still kind of messes me up a lot
I can’t really love any family because of how things were when I was raised, but you can see why of all my family my dad’s the one I can almost say I love in spite of what a cooky old doof he can be. You can also maybe see.. like why things are the way they are with me mom
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I just wish I could kind of voice my insecurities and have someone counter them. Not dismiss them and also not give well meaning but empty words (Things like I’m sure you have people around you who love you which... kinda, but not really in a lot of ways. I have people on here who are fool enough to mostly like me, but I don’t think anyone particularly loves me.... I don’t think anyone can love me)
I also... I don’t see a way forward right now. I don’t see a step to take so I end up just stagnating. I don’t see how I’m going to get out of this place I’m in
I really hope I’m able to do the right thing soon after that thing I’ve been waiting for comes out
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Thing is, this dream is such an on the nose thing about how I feel. I mean my brain wasn’t even being subtle
Stuff like the people trying to beat the crap out of me to make me feel better, that really applies well to when I was super suicidal a while back. You get all these nice, well meaning people in my inbox, who wanted to help, but were actually just really shitty to me and made me feel a lot worse. They didn’t get that a lot of them in effect said I was being a selfish asshole for wanting to kill myself and needed to be stronger and fix the shit in my life because no one else was responsible for fixing it
I don’t know that that’s what they wanted to say, how they wanted it to come out, but it’s more or less what they said. One guy was even like “fuck you you asshole for making me worry and then saying you’re still wanting to kill yourself, you fucking time waster”, then never even came back the next day to say something like, “glad you didn’t do that”. Still have messages I can’t tell if the person’s trying to mock me, I think they were trying to convey something, but it came off as throwing my words back in my face. Then you had people who I guess just assumed I’m drunk, I guess people think I’m an alcoholic or something even thought I’m totally sober most of the time and was totally sober then, just sad
One of the worst, most painful experiences of my life, and it’s ensured next time I try I need to shut the hell up about it and do my best to make sure no one knows till I’m good and dead. I can’t handle another round of people trying to help and making it worse (the people I actually know were ok for that, it was the anons and strangers who made things worse)
Like that girl fucking got it, I just need some people to be nice to me, to treat me like I matter. When I quit doing art, no one even noticed. I don’t know if I’m good at anything because no one ever seems to think I am. Nice, that’s the best I seem to manage is being nice. I mean I’d rather be nice than not, but I want to be skilled, I want to matter. I want to be useful. .... I want to be dead
I want to feel like I’m not a bother. I want to feel like I’m not boring people. I wish people wouldn’t just stop responding when I guess I was to boring to be worth giving an answer to. I wish people wanted to get to know me, would find me worth the effort to maybe ask about me when I draw a blank because I suck at open ended questions. I wish people would treat me like they liked me instead of like I was disposable entertainment, to be talked to when their bored and to be ignored till they need me again
I think I’m being really unfair, I think I’m asking for stuff that a lot of people don’t get. I think I’m asking for stuff that I probably don’t give. Dream girl though, she got it, she really did
I wish I could do better for people around me, say things that were helpful. I used to be better at it, more able to. For the past year or more though my brain’s just felt like mush. I just can’t think right. I’m sick of being useless, and stupid, and worthless, and unlovable. I just want to be somebody, I just want to be a person instead of whatever the hell I am
No one’s going to read this. No one wants to read anything I have to say and I don’t blame them. I go on and on and on, it’s too much. It’s just I’ve given up and practically told people what my needs are, no one listens. I work for hours on something not related to how I’m feeling, just an analysis of something, no one looks at my work (that thing still has no notes, no one gave a shit about the stupid stuff I had to say)
I just really hate this all. I hate my life, and I hate how the world and I seem to interact. The first person who really seems to get this (except for maybe my one therapist who I’ll probably never see again) turns out to just be a dream. That dream brought out a lot of my worst pain, offered a solution for once, and then said fuck you the one thing that made this shitty nightmare worth it isn’t real and is only the tail end of a lot of suffering
As usual I’ve said this all totally ineloquently and nonsensically. I’ve felt this way for more than 10 years, no one ever listens. No one ever hears me. A few do better than the rest, at least stick around instead of getting bored of me, at least not yet
I don’t know, this dream’s brought out the very worst in me, all the most tender bits to the surface. It could be a time to heal while all the raw wounds are open, but for that I’d need help and that’s never going to happen. Everyone wants you to fix you yourself, when fundamentally these problems require outside input, when these problems are essentially total neglect for the first 20 years of my life, almost no praise or affection or any of the other shit you’re supposed to give people to have them turn out healthy and normal. A kid who had to mostly raise himself and take care of his abusive mom to make sure they didn’t end up homeless, who never got a job so is fucking worthless
I can twist this stuff around, look at it critically most of the time; but since I can’t fix it myself fuck me. Fuck me for asking another person to ever... want to be around me. “Just be nice to him”, only person who got it and she’s not even real
I mean, when I was suicidal, just say “we’d all really miss you, here’s some things we like about you and would miss having around” instead of calling me an asshole, is that such a hard concept?
I think I am an asshole though, and arrogant asshole
I’m tired, I wish I was going to kill myself today, but that will probably wait till next month
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So I was returning to school or something (because my main nightmares are going back to school and failing again). I must have been fairly popular because every liked me the previous year (or something like that), but they all decided I’d turned into a dick (not based on my actions, just speculated I’d probably become a dick so started treating me like one) and just started treating me honestly like some kind of villain, like I was just the worst person in the world
I ended up not going to any of my classes because I didn’t know where they were (because no one had handed me a syllabus since it was a dream, but I still felt guilty as hell). Some of my old friends would almost treat me like a person, but then realized this must be part of my master plan and the I was just a jerk who thought he was too good for school
Except this one girl, who while I’m sitting outside of one of the buildings trying to figure out what the fuck to do, she see’s I’m looking down (and doesn’t somehow deiced I’m being a dick for looking sad like everyone else). She asks what’s wrong, and I say not to worry about it (which is what I say all the time in real life when I don’t want to bother people). She’s looking pretty sad and lonely herself, so we talk a bit and I try and be supportive for her, and she seems to feel a bit better
Eventually I leave, go sit under this big tree for a long period of time, like a day. Just kind of sit there and wait, being sad and wishing someone would come find me, care enough to look and maybe apologize, maybe figure out how wrong they are; but basically no one shows up or even looks for a long time
Then finally, after like a day my old friends come looking for me. I guess we’re at some kind of superhero school, because their great idea is to try and beat the crap out of me to make me go back to normal. It doesn’t really work, because I fight back and I guess part of me knew it was a dream so I was able to hold my own against 10 or so people. Then that girl from earlier shows up
She says why the fuck are you attacking him? Why are you trying to challenge him to bring out the best in him? Just be nice to him. Just give him a hug and let him know you care
Earlier in the dream I said something to her like, “I know what it’s like to be lonely, it sucks, you’re gonna be ok though”, and she took that and realized that I was still lonely, which is more than a lot of real world people manage
She points out that I wasn’t even attacking them in this fight, I was just defending myself, doing stuff that I knew wouldn’t hurt them. She points out that I was using ice to fight the guy who uses ice, fire and the fire guy and so on. That even when they were being super shitty to me I was still worried about them
Then I started to wake up and realized the nicest person I ever met was just in a fucking dream. So I explained to her what was going on before I went ahead and opened my eyes, that I was dreaming and about to wake up. This may sound silly, but I hope she does ok for herself somehow in whatever dreams are. I know some nice people, people I’d like to consider friends; but she’s the first one to actually get it, to really understand, to really hear what I was saying even when I hadn’t said that much
I’m gonna miss her, up till I forget about her because you pretty much always forget your dreams eventually. That really really sucks. I really hope you do ok for yourself girl
(also shout out to that one lunch lady, the only other person in the dream who wasn’t a dick to me)
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Also I even mentioned that someone I follow on here is doing the keto diet or whatever it’s called, and how my type 1 diabetic a&p teacher said she didn’t like that diet because the stuff you’re hoping for is the same things diabetics worry about getting because it leads to diabetic shock. So I’m worried for that person, but I’m practicing the art of minding my own business and trusting them to take care of themself
I think a lot of diets are dumb and counter productive. I’m also able to talk about other things
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I get real sick of my mom. She talks about how people who only talk about their diets are boring, but then every day has to talk about how mean people are to fat people. “I heard an ad..”, Someone on tumblr said...”, “I just fucking always talk about this so today is no different...”
I have problems with how people treat people who are heavier. Part of why I’m throwing this here instead of my main blog is I don’t want a brigade of people all clambering to tell me how unhealthy all fat people are. Fuck off, you’re unproductive. I don’t floss and that’s not healthy, some day I’d like to, but I’m not up to it at the moment and dentists bitching at me has just made me go to dentists less
I mean it annoys me how people on that side of things never hold doctors accountable, act like just because someone has years of training makes them good at their job. Ask me about the renal tumor story for a story about bad medicine
I mean all and all I’m more on my mom’s side of things than not, but she never shuts up and she’s always whinny. I say one wrong thing and it’s a whole tangent because she wouldn’t let me finish my sentence (Even if being overweight is totally unhealthy... $)(&$^)#(*^(#&@$... yes, but even if it were true being a dick to people isn’t going to change their behavior, which is why many people’s approach is wrong)
I mean I honestly hear about this for maybe literally hours most days, she’ll just walk down into my office to rant about it not taking the hint that I don’t want to talk about it
Today I was saying that someone I know who’s heavier, I’m worried about his health, but less because his weight. More because of stuff like onetime we ate mexican food and he was bright red and dripping like he was in a sauna. Not normal hot food sweat, something’s wrong levels of sweat. So when he’d talk about having gone for a walk I’d be really supportive and telling him how that’s awesome (my mom was calling what I was saying concern trolling till I finished with the example and she conceded that was ok, but still had to bitch)
Then she basically pulled the whole privilege thing (which she doesn’t believe in for white people, but does for men and skinny people I guess), saying that since I hadn’t lived it I couldn’t get it. Bitch you don’t know, I actually have been called fat a couple times. I’m 210 roughly 6′, some people think I’m fat and have said so to me. Don’t fucking tell me what I’ve been through, and regardless if I have a point don’t dismiss it of handedly. Of course, I’m a man, so I’ll always be a monster anyway... come to think of it she was there when her mother called me fat so...?
All I’m saying is if you aren’t willing to offer a hand mind your own business when it comes to things like people’s appearance. I’ve known various people with chronic illnesses who weren’t getting the care they needed because of dismissive doctors. People pestering me about shit never fixed any of the stuff wrong with me, if anything it made it worse. Even people I generally respect on here frustrate me with their stance on weight, I find them unproductive at best, and at the end of the day life’s about solutions not berating people
If anything I’m one of her better allies from someone who’s an outsider overall (though still considered overweight). I tend to roll my eyes at fat people being the but of the joke (and the whole joke just being that they’re fat). I honestly don’t even care if someone’s unhealthy because that’s their business not mine, but I’d like to see someone doing the best they can be. /I/ need to exercise more, exercise is good for most people, if someone’s eating right and exercising I really don’t care what weight they are unless it’s indicating some kind of disorder (which they probably need medication to fix anyway)
But that stuff’s not good enough and my mom just wants to bitch. It’s tiresome. Every fucking day (pretty much). The same shit over and over and over. Saying stuff like that if people really care about someone’s health they should offer to be a gym partner rather than just bitching at them about their weight is a dick move on my part
My mom says how boring she find people who only talk about their diets and I agree. I find my mom always talking about her non-dieting just as boring
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i mean even when i think things are going well, i still manage to drive people off. i wish i weren’t so boring and useless and stupid
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it would be amazing if people noticed when they hurt me. I don’t want them to feel bad for it or anything, just a tiny apology. not for them to apologize for their actions, but to acknowledge my feelings. sometimes you really do nothing wrong, but still hurt someone. and it’s just about validating and seeing them
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