Wed 7/27/22

I sent him a text this morning saying I didn't know what happened and didn't like not knowing where I stood with him. Was he calling it after 4 dates? I got a reply! Hell yes. Anything is better than nothing. The not knowing is never ending wild scenarios in my mind. He said something about not being able to keep interest in anyone - maybe because of his work or family health issues. I get it. Normally, it's me pulling something like that. If it doesn't click, you can't force it. He's a good guy - great guy really, who needs to figure himself out. I guess I'll reactivate my dating profiles. Ugh.

I'm hitting the road to take MW back to school. Tonight, we plan on submitting his application to MS&T. Exciting!!! Here's to 7 hours in the car in 105-degree temperatures.

I turned 54 on Sunday and cried.  All day.  Not because I turned 54 - honestly feel pretty good about that.  I cried because I thought I had met a decent guy and he ghosted me.  I should be grateful that this is the first time that has happened in the 5 years I've been dating but I'm not.  I spent the day looking back over texts and replaying our last date to see if there was anything I did or said or any indication at all that I somehow missed.  Nope, nothing.  He was a gentleman right up until he wasn't - wasn't there at all!  First 2 dates he gave me a peck on the cheek.  The first time that happened it took my breathe away - so unexpected and sweet.  I almost didn't know what to make of it.  I sat in my car for a few minutes just taking it in.  Recognizing how respectful and polite he had been all evening.  The second time brought a smile to my face.  He was smart, funny, kind, fit and it seemed we had a lot in common.  Kids around the same age.  Both of us had lost a spouse – he much earlier than me. I caught myself thinking about him throughout the days. We would text here and there all day. It was easy and fun to begin to picture what it might be like to be in his life. Cooking dinner together, laughing and having a glass of wine while we shuffle around each other in the kitchen. It’s the mundane chores that I miss doing with someone.  Weeding and grocery shopping. Making plans for the holiday or putting together the gift lists for the kids.  It’s Tuesday now and I still haven’t heard from him and have no idea what happened.  Well, he did text me Monday morning and said he would call last night if he was home from work in time. He works at a hospital so I guess his schedule could keep him there later.  Not sure because he always had time to text during the day even if he was in the OR. He didn’t call and hasn’t yet.  I’m not surprised and yet I am surprised. When he didn’t return the test early Saturday morning, I sent another one late in the afternoon asking if everything was ok.  He responded a little over an hour later, “Yea, all is good”. Oh, OK.  Gentleman, this would have been the time to say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to lead you on, I’m not feeling it anymore.” Or “I’ve had a shitty day and don’t want to talk”, “I need to slow down”, “I need time”, really anything. Full disclosure, we did only have 4 dates but when your average is 2, 4 says something.  He told me he hadn’t gotten past 1 for a long time.  I’m trying to get past the hurt and confusion and find something positive.  When you’ve experienced a tragedy, you learn this is how you get through the hard days.  Find the positive – there is a positive in every situation. In a weird way, I’m glad I’m hurting.  It means I allowed myself to see a potential future with someone. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts.  It sucks. But its something other than nothing. It’s also one of the few times I haven’t done the ending of something.  I try to put myself out there, meet through dating apps and it doesn’t work out. Mostly, because there are a lot of odd men out there.  Again, I recognize that we weren’t really even “dating” – we had a few dates.  But I liked him so much, still do.  Who knows, maybe something did happen.  I hope not. 

My goal with this blog is to record my 54th year around the sun. Hopefully, there will be some interesting shit that happens.  You will no doubt get back stories when necessary – probably more than what is necessary. Let’s back up so I can truly say I’ve done every day.

Sunday, July 24th – my 54th bday.  My mom decided to send me a text.  Odd, she calls me frequently and she decides to text? My dad doesn’t call either.  I did just talk with him on the 19th – that’s his birthday and I called him.  Both brothers sent texts.  My cousin called and my daughter called.  As I mentioned before, I pretty much cried on and off all day.  How pitiful.  I did some work – I have my own business and work from home.  I watched some episodes of Bridgerton – which probably didn’t help because the very point of the show is to court and find a husband.  Oh, and my son decided to bless me with his presence, and we went swimming for a little over an hour.

Monday, July 25th – I had a morning appointment and then got in 3.5 miles of walking before the heat was too much to bear. Came back home, cried and worked.

Tuesday, July 26th – today. Did Pilates in the morning and then had 2 appointments south of the city. Came back home to start writing reports and had a Rush order come through.  Headed out to do that appointment and back home to write that report. My son is heading back to boarding school in MO tomorrow, so we decided to grab a pizza for dinner. He’s not looking forward to going back.  It’s hard seeing him sad.  This is his fourth and final year there.  I keep reminding him that he’s in a position of leadership now so it will be different. He so wants to stay home but recognizes that graduating from that school will benefit him in the future. I am so proud of him for sticking it out. I miss him when he’s not here. He’s a lot like me so it’s easy with him here. Hopefully, he’s doing laundry.  I’d better go check.