4wordletter
Northern Lights, Re-Lit
classical music / science / ideas & concepts
253 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
etpatatipatata
www.etpatatipatata.com
nymphxxxo
●.◉
j0hn4
Untitled
fernaitor
fern
9109659297-blog
Untitled
Text
i haven't felt like this in a long time. i thought i was doing better, but i'm not. i feel so alone, cold, heavy and cut off from the world. i barely did any work this afternoon, instead i spent my time laying on my bed on the verge of tears that never did come. it feels so uncomfortable feeling like you need to have a good cry and let it all out but it just doesn't happen. instead i just lay there in a weird emotional suspension, numb to pretty much everything but the constant nausea.
i've barely eaten, which doesn't help. my hand shakes as i lift the fork to my mouth and i immediately feel ten times more sick than before. i feel such a heaviness, like a baby elephant on my shoulders. as cute as that sounds, i feel like i'm dragging a dead weight around. i felt like a zombie in the store this evening as if it were physically taxing to walk around the aisles getting what i needed.
thoughts of hurting myself zip across my mind and quickly out of sight before i fully realize they were there. i know there would be such relief in slicing my arms open and letting the darkness inside me out. i can't bring myself to do it. intellectually i know it's a really bad idea, but emotionally the thought of a brief escape is so tempting. even just a few seconds would be more than welcome.
i let myself indulge in these thoughts to some degree before cutting them off. imagining relief can be a little escape in and of itself but i can't let it become more than that.
i don't think lockdown is helping matters at all. i haven't been to the city in months. i miss being in the office. at home i have no demarcation between work and home. a lot of the time i find myself just passively working even late into the night. it's like i can't put a piece of work down until it's complete. if i don't complete it then i spend time thinking about how to complete it. when i worked in the office i felt it was much easier to leave my work there. i don't think i'll be back in the office this year especially with what looks to be the start of a second wave of corona.
i'm so thankful for my family. i'm glad i hadn't moved out yet before this all hit. when i think about it, i don't really have anyone. i don't have many friends. my family is always here for me. we mainly spend mealtimes together or watching game shows in the evening, but it's enough. i'm so thankful i'm not stuck in some apartment all by myself, especially on days like today.
i know that i should be much further on than i am now. i know i should have moved out a long time ago. i should have a wife and kids by now. comparing my actual self to my ideal self isn't very helpful, in fact it makes me feel awful, but i can't help it. i can't help but feel how great it would be on days like today to have a loving wife and children that i could hold close. i do feel so lost and alone. i don't think that having a family of my own would cure anything, nor would i expect a wife to fix whatever is broken in me. it would just be nice.
i don't know what to do or where to go from here. i feel so far from everything. so far from everyone, so far from God. i feel so alone and empty. maybe i need to go to church. maybe i need to go back to therapy. all i know is something needs to change. i cannot keep this up.
0 notes
Note
do you still use this blog?
i do! but only for posting things i make or personal things i wouldn’t post on my other blog
0 notes
Note
do you know MELINA is back with her babydaddy
given that you’ve left this exact message every week for 4-5 weeks, yes. lol
0 notes
Text
one of the most thoughtful messages i’ve received from a relative stranger. people are so kind ^_^
0 notes
Text
i remember when i was planning to propose to m that i read books and listened to so many audiobooks about marriage and being a good husband and parenting and how to be a good parent. it’s so weird to have all this stuff in my head but no use for it yet
0 notes
Text
i hate keeping people waiting. i hate knowing someone is waiting for me and i’m taking ages even though i’m going as fast as i can. then i feel super guilty but there’s nothing you can do cuz the time has passed already
mum is keen to have all the details for gran’s party figured out. we have the invites sent out and we’ve got the hall booked. we need to wait for RSVPs so we know how much food we’re gonna need. there is gonna be SO much food
0 notes
Text
i don’t remember posting this crap to facebook but i certainly still agree. i want new experiences in my life. i’m tired of it just being about work. i’m dying to start a family, i feel like it’s one of my purposes in life and i’m nowhere near accomplishing it yet. it’s frustrating. i guess for now i can just keep making money, i know i’ll need LOTS of it
0 notes
Note
why don't you answer some of your asks?
different reasons. i’ll reply to some next time i’m at my computer
0 notes
Text
my goal this year is to be more patient in general but man, people at work really test me sometimes!!!!
0 notes
Text
i buried cheddar in the back garden yesterday in this box i bought. i put his name on the side using some craft letters i had laying around from years ago. the box is really sweet and i imagine it would ease a child’s mind just a little when their pet dies.
i’ve been feeling really sad since cheddar died. i’m normally quite comfortable with death especially having seen it happen a few times in recent years. it’s just that it came as a surprise. i went to get him out his tank to play with him and he was dead.
i think there’s a disparity between what i feel and what is real. the loss of cheddar makes me sad because he was something i created. i gave him a name and built him into this character and gave him a role in my life. i called him cheddar cheeseman and told everyone he lived in cheddar mansion. my friends and family would ask about him and ask what he’s up to. i’d assigned him a kind of mischievous personality.
but it was all something i had fabricated. in reality there was a gecko living in a tank in my room. he’d eat and sleep and hide in the leaves and that’s it. i barely saw him unless i took him out his tank.
one side of the coin is that a gecko died. that’s fine, i expected that, it’s just how life goes. the other side is that the character i created died. that’s a little harder to deal with because it’s so abstract. it was never real in the first place, so how do you process it now?
i think this is something we just do as humans. half the time things only hurt so much because of what we built in our heads. things like breakups only suck so much because we have this character we built in our head, our partner. when you break up the character you built up is torn apart and you’re sent screaming back into reality. you can build any kind of character you want out of your partner. someone you’re gonna have kids with. someone you want to take home to your parents. it doesn’t really matter. you can paint the prettiest pictures and even work out details like kids names but none of it is real.
i think, i hope, a lot of healing comes from recognizing when we’re overlaying a story on top of reality. i hope to become better at recognizing this in future. i want to live in reality and nowhere else
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
thank you so much @say-never for the xmas package!
a bunny for artie!
a unicorn for katie!
a red panda for me!
mum is using this to put her plant pots on!
dad thought these were fudge lol.
i can’t wait to try this!!
a lovely card!!
peppermint FUDGE!!!!
a scarf!! perfect for the cold glasgow mornings :D
thank you so much @say-never!!!!
2 notes
·
View notes