333akina - Tumblr blog

333akina · 18 days

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ummmm heheheee my theme is sooo cute

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333akina · 18 days

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I genuinely feel sick to my stomach i dont want to keep going anymore

i hate EVERYTHING in my last fucking year i despise my classmates with all my being they are awful snobby people who think they can do whatever the fuck they want simply bc theyre rich and popular and yet everytime i try to vent that out to my parents they don't give a single fuck as if this whole thing isnt stressing me out to no fucking end. i cant STAND them i need to end it all

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333akina · 18 days

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god forbid i feel like BAWLING my eyes out at the fact that i'm forced to spend more time with them in parties travel and all knowing they hate me so SO much? while i also fucking hate going out in general and the feeling of sharing a room with them makes me want to empty my stomach? DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF?

i hate EVERYTHING in my last fucking year i despise my classmates with all my being they are awful snobby people who think they can do whatever the fuck they want simply bc theyre rich and popular and yet everytime i try to vent that out to my parents they don't give a single fuck as if this whole thing isnt stressing me out to no fucking end. i cant STAND them i need to end it all

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333akina · 18 days

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i hate EVERYTHING in my last fucking year i despise my classmates with all my being they are awful snobby people who think they can do whatever the fuck they want simply bc theyre rich and popular and yet everytime i try to vent that out to my parents they don't give a single fuck as if this whole thing isnt stressing me out to no fucking end. i cant STAND them i need to end it all

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333akina · 2 months

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ny father I admit isn't the best person either (extremely manipulative; SEVERAL anger issues not unlike her) but at least if you find him in a good place mentally he does sound interested. he does seem to listen to what I'm saying and how I feel. he isn't just idly dismissing me and leaving up the clean-up of my mess for later.

i sure do wonder why I never tell them anything, but most specifically my mother. Might be because she always tries to shut me down whenever i speak? hm??

It's impossible to talk to my mother about anything she is such a control freak that NEEDS to know EVERYHTHING and NEEDS EVERYTHING to go HER way. Talking to her feels less like talking to a mother or a family member period and more like talking to a businessman asking you to hurry up because he has better things to do.

She doesn't Care about what I say. She just wants to do whats most convenient for her for whatever reason and refuses to change her ways. It feels like talking to a brick wall and it's awful

I just want a person to talk to, and maybe help me out, not someone who will judge the pros and cons of helping me are and decides that I'm not worth her time

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333akina · 2 months

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its impossible to talk to my mother about anything she is such a control freak that NEEDS to know EVERYHTHING and NEEDS EVERYTHING to go HER way. talking to her feels less like talking to a mother or a family member period and more like talking to a businessman asking you to hurry up because he has better things to do.

she doesn't Care about what I say. she just wants to do whats most convenient for her for whatever reason and refuses to change her ways. it feels like talking to a brick wall and it's awful

i just want a person to talk to, and maybe help me out, not someone who will judge the pros and cons of helping me are and decides that I'm not worth her time

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333akina · 2 months

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ok now for a more positive outlook... im excited to move out.... theres so much stuff i'll be able to do and im alrd psyching myself up for it 😭😭 (hrt hrt hrt PLEASE) (and maybe therapist if god allows it)

talked to my father about moving out for once and it went surprisingly well. im really really happy he understands its hard being all by yourself while struggling with mental illnesses (and i found out from where i got mine from now.... lmfao thanks Totally Neurotypical Dad!). im seriously scared of thinking what i'd do if i was living all by myself (ohhh edgy okayy)

i need to talk it over with my mother (honestly the hardest part) but i feel like she will give in regardless... its just a matter of time.

as for with whom id like to move in with, i dont mind anyone. Please. Anyone (preferably a classmate)(I know exactly who I'm thinking of.) i dont even want to live with someone so they do everything for me or something i just need to not go crazy PLEASE

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333akina · 2 months

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talked to my father about moving out for once and it went surprisingly well. im really really happy he understands its hard being all by yourself while struggling with mental illnesses (and i found out from where i got mine from now.... lmfao thanks Totally Neurotypical Dad!). im seriously scared of thinking what i'd do if i was living all by myself (ohhh edgy okayy)

i need to talk it over with my mother (honestly the hardest part) but i feel like she will give in regardless... its just a matter of time.

as for with whom id like to move in with, i dont mind anyone. Please. Anyone (preferably a classmate)(I know exactly who I'm thinking of.) i dont even want to live with someone so they do everything for me or something i just need to not go crazy PLEASE

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333akina · 2 months

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sorry about that my dear 'Second Ash Post' but the firdt one um congrats on the aromanticism !!! ‼‼‼❤❤❤❤ (aroflux but whatever) like idkk i cheered! <- on my romance adverse era

this is probably my 3rd sincere crush on someone on my life and i feel both terrified and also so giddy about it 💦

Like i know what a crush is i know what romantic attraction is i may b aroflux / cupio but im not born yesterday.

regardless; its still scary and fun and a wild thing to have. but probably leans on the scary part more because i dont Want to act on this crush. we have such a good friendship and im afraid we'll lose everything and that it'll just strain it. not to mention i need to unpack my "hey um. uh. im trans and gay and i kinda like you." to a CIS STRAIGHT GUY. itd sad though because hes really nice and and ughfm i want this crush to be over

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333akina · 2 years

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333akina · 2 years

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oghhhhh me when mental illness takes over me(portal 2 hyperfix FOR THE NTH TIME THIS DECADE! IVE HYPERFIXED ON THIS FUCKING FRANCHISE SINCE IT FUCKING RELEASED TAKE ME OUT)

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333akina · 2 years

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putting this here because i really dont want to clog my twt anymore as is but i feel so disgusting always. this rant will make 0 sense because i cant write but anyways; i never liked my body and i always saw myself as ugly because of all the bullying in like 4th grade onwards and its just fucked me up so badly but i cant even change my body. like before i was so normal so confident but after that there are just some days i cant even look at the mirror because i cant recognize myself nor do i want to because i feel so utterly repulsive. i want to loose so much weight because im not even supposed to weight this much right now and and its bothering me so much yet i cant steel my resolve to move my lazy ass up so ill just stay like this i guess? add dysphoria to the mix and you have a triple whammy like theres not a single day i wish i was just born male because i feel so disconnected from my body i want to take hrt so badly yet even then im scared of what will people think like please i wanted to just be a cis guy and not deal with all of this

lets not even talk about how the european beauty standards that were hardwired into my brain after 4th grade (esp since my bullies were all white / european latinos ) ethnic features were completely undesirable and nasty i also wanted so badly to be a white person like. Not have thick eyebrows not have non-pale skin not have any type of noticeable body hair (i had and still have a Lot lmfao which is so noticeable bc its black) and i also hated my birthname too which is why i even chose a white name when i first came out (as nonbinary) and while i dont hate it per se i just. grew tired of it and its just something that stuck not because i particularly liked it rather because it worked and now its far too late to ask people to call me smth else

this literally mutated into 3 diff topics i cant write for shit but i needed to get this out once again because its been bothering me so much tldr life would've been so much easier to me as a skinny cis white guy and sometimes i still resent that (:

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333akina · 2 years

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like my man im not even out to my class and theres no other queer person on my school other than my 2 cis gay irls but thats it. theres no openly trans person much less one who wants to socially and physically transition and i dont Want to out myself to everyone but also i kind of want to? like at least my grade even if ik some assholes r there

point in case i wish i was cishet

this is probably my 3rd sincere crush on someone on my life and i feel both terrified and also so giddy about it 💦

Like i know what a crush is i know what romantic attraction is i may b aroflux / cupio but im not born yesterday.

regardless; its still scary and fun and a wild thing to have. but probably leans on the scary part more because i dont Want to act on this crush. we have such a good friendship and im afraid we'll lose everything and that it'll just strain it. not to mention i need to unpack my "hey um. uh. im trans and gay and i kinda like you." to a CIS STRAIGHT GUY. itd sad though because hes really nice and and ughfm i want this crush to be over

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333akina · 2 years

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this is probably my 3rd sincere crush on someone on my life and i feel both terrified and also so giddy about it 💦

Like i know what a crush is i know what romantic attraction is i may b aroflux / cupio but im not born yesterday.

regardless; its still scary and fun and a wild thing to have. but probably leans on the scary part more because i dont Want to act on this crush. we have such a good friendship and im afraid we'll lose everything and that it'll just strain it. not to mention i need to unpack my "hey um. uh. im trans and gay and i kinda like you." to a CIS STRAIGHT GUY. itd sad though because hes really nice and and ughfm i want this crush to be over

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333akina · 2 years

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lrb finishing that rn :]

11. probably anywhere the holy see and amaurot. amaurot isnt as much hate but rather he feels # traumatized after the dying grasp and whatever emet did to him when showing him his journey again (he has complicated feelings abt emet Ok.)

12. YES!!!!! evvy, nevvy or evher ! evher is a general nickname, but evvy and nevvy are scions + ardbert/aymeric/haurchey/fray and some others only bc hed die from embarrassment otherwise (which he still does)

13. on a middle ground, probably more informal before 3.0 and a tad more formal after 3.0

14. 2.0-3.0 probably still a mercenary while selling random stuff on the side. he doesn't think he would get far if he woked even more so why bother. plus being a merc helps his anger issues www and post 3.0 he just wants to be Normal you know. probably hed sew for stress relief idk if hed sell that though..

15. no idea D: mayhaps graha and ardbert? but only in a few things or so id like to think...

16. his aetherical presence is probably v big and thatd just like. warm him up. so he has no problem on cold climates! and while he doesnt HATE warm ones theyre certainly not his fave

17. birds. (sorry meteion)

18. So many things itll probably get "read more"'d by tumblr on its own. his mind is a troubled one after 3.0 and 5.0 :]

19. hes not ILLITERATE but he got mid grades on secondary school (no uni) (alphinaud + graha taught him more stuff, mainly aether related, but he still struggles to understand it! he enjoys the enthusiasm both of them have for these magick arts though, and wishes he could understand it a litle better)

20. pre shinryu 4.0 was his highest, 5.0 had lots of deep lows so dont know which one was worse LMFAO

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333akina · 2 years

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FFXIV WoL questions

1. Why did they pick their first class/job? What about the job they main now?

2. Does your WoL have a recurring nightmare (or more)? What is it?

3. Who do they worry about the most?

4. What’s their alcohol tolerance like? (if they drink)

5. What is the first impression most people have of them? Is it different when they get to know them?

6. Is that their natural hair color?

7. How have they dealt with losing people?

8. How do they feel about the fame/infamy that comes with being a Warrior of Light/Darkness?

9. What does the way they’ve decorated their apartment and/or house (if they have one) say about them as a person?

10. Do they misuse any of their abilities?

11. What location do they dislike the most?

12. Does anyone call them by a nickname? What do they think about it?

13. What are their speech patterns like? more formal or informal?

14. If they were not an adventurer, what would they be doing?

15. Which NPC are they the most similar to?

16. What kinds of weather do they like and dislike? Do they handle heat or cold better?

17. Any allergies?

18. What is something they would never tell anyone? (a memory, a wish, anything)

19. What level of education do they have?

20. When in the story was their highest point? When were they at their lowest?

#love #ohh putting this here but!!#1. he picked up pugilism because- having had some type of experience on street fights both as a young boy and as an adult-#he felt it was the easiest and least time consuming discipline and add a twist 2 it (his more streetlike style) + make good use of his wits #and also bc overall he wanted to get a job as a mercenary and or wandering adventurer just picking up the job that pays best #2. YES. after 3.0 namely haurchey he starts being pressured (by himself lol) to truly become and embrace his new wol role #and so he regrets like. EVERY mistake because his mind always wanders to think abt what couldve happened. what he couldve done to save them #so like. haurchey graha emet zenos ardbert yotsuyu ysayle nightmares babeyyy!#havent thought in extreme depth what theyre like exactly sorry ;____; but i wish to expand upon this hopefully soon..#3. (2.0-3.0) he grew fond of the scions and scions only after the crystal braves fiasco (3.0-5.5) Everyone.#he cant help it he feels like its his duty to feel worried about everyone feel like his every action is being recorded #and or just. seen and judged. he wants to live up to this title that people just threw onto him #esp after 2.5 where everyone hated him for the longest time bc crystal braves but now that they see he can do smth #and that they can be free of worries and safe and sound with someone doing all the hard work for them- they him #(this @ non scions non actual important charas . most named / voiced charas do like him genuinely except for villains ofc)#4. HIGH he never was lightweight and had a normal tolerance but after. well. heh (3.0) he started drinking so much more #than he Should. someone please grab a paramedic. still cant rival heavy roes but hes getting there #also 5.0 was so bad for him too there was probably not a day he didnt drink + he didnt have insomnia LMFAOO #5. SORRY I CANT THINK OF THIS MY BRAIN CACA. BJT they think hes so secure nice warm confident but like #He is nice he is caring etc but it goes well beyond that. he doubts every step he takes lately and beats himself up for the smallest things #like... man <3 thats not healthy. and he rarely opens up just for a fear of people stopping on relying on him.#so a rando npc wouldnt get 2 know him. but those who do they probably both understand him and pity his life sm.#like when u go ouhhhghh little meow meow #6. nope! its a blondeish white originally (think thancred) but he dyes it red just bc #7. (read in a 'how big is that dick small leave me alone' voice) Badly leave me alone #(8-10 skip bc me brain small)#im going to finish this tmr! such fun questions ty OP

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333akina · 2 years

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Wait I'm so mad its 2492 words and not 2500. theres not a min word count i just want it to be an even number. and i guess im mad abt not being able to write a satisfying conclusion but thats not as important

i lied about working im still on tumblr

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