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Remembering Korie

An old fiend I had back in middle school passed away. All the way back in July of last year, and I didn’t find out until today. I looked back on my On This Day tab on facebook, seen a post they had made on my page back in 2012, and seen that their page had a memorial tag on it.

I remember when we had first became friends. Korie and I shared two classes, but never spoke to one another. Whenever I looked at them, I always thought how cool they were, and how cute they looked when they would spend the whole class intensely reading a book. The first time we interacted and became friends was when all the seats were taken on our bus ride home and I either sat by them or they sat by me. Right away, we began to talk about random things and talked as if we had always known each other. Then Korie said we should share one of our biggest secrets with one another by writing it on a note. They said they had to tell me something really important and that they weren’t sure if we would be friends after they told me. When they had written their secret down, they had told me not to hate them and only read it once I got off the bus. I told them I was sure I wouldn’t, and they insisted that I might hate them. And I just laughed, said I wouldn’t, and told them not to think I’m weird for my secret. I wondered what they could possibly tell me that would make me hate them. When I got off the bus, I looked at the note, and it said, “I’m a lesbian.”

It wasn’t until the end of middle school that Korie identified as gender fluid. But by that time, I had moved to another state, and we had only had two small conversation in the years after. In the time that Korie was still on my friends list, I always liked and read their posts. Every time a post by Korie had showed up on my feed, I was genuinely happy that they were doing alright. Korie always made it a point to tell their friends on facebook that it didn’t matter what time of day it was, to ALWAYS call them if they were having terrible thoughts or needed someone to talk to. Korie also always made it a point to talk about how taking care of mental health was important, and how much they struggled with their mental illnesses as well and how it was ok to reach out for help. So when they deleted me, I was sad, and even angry, but I understood. We were never close friends, but I should have let them know how much I appreciated them and wished I had been there for them.

I remember how sweet and supportive Korie always was. Even back in 8th grade, they were such a huge advocate for the LGBTQ+ community. Although I considered myself an ally as well in 8th grade, and had openly gay family members in my household, I was still scared to stand up for others. I was still small minded in the way that I didn’t want people to judge me for supporting the community. I always admired Korie for being so open and ready to fight for other peoples rights. It didn’t matter to Korie what kind of person you were, what you were interested in, or how you lived your life. As long as you were a decent and nice person, you had Korie’s support. It was something I wish I could have been. To this day, I push myself to always speak up against hate and ignorance. Because if Korie could have been so brave back in middle school without the fear of being judged or argued against stopping them, so could I. Korie was also a great artist. The liked to draw wolves traditionally, but late moved to digital art and constantly improved and played around with different concepts. Korie was also a huge animal activist. They had such a soft spot for rats, and was always posting about them and posting pics and showed people that they could be as sweet, calm, and understanding as other animals.

One of the memories I always feel guilty looking back on was when Korie had gotten a girlfriend. For weeks, Korie and I sat next to each other on the bus and they always gushed about how cute and cool this girl on our bus was. They would tell me how, like a dork, they searched hours on Myspace to see if they could find that girl to send her a message. And then one day Korie had the courage to sit next to her and they became friends just as quickly, and then girlfriends soon after. In the time Korie started dating D, I had slowly grown apart from Korie. Back in middle school, I always struggled with keeping friends and actively acting like a normal human being to keep up those friendships. But we still talked during school, though we never became close friends. Then, one day, D came onto the bus crying. Korie went to go sit by her, but she cried that they couldn’t, and gave her a letter explaining what the school had told her. Apparently, some of the other kids on the bus complained to the school that Korie and D were always kissing and touching each other and that it was inappropriate and that they were uncomfortable. But it was a complete lie; all they had done was sit shoulder to shoulder, heads leaning against each other, holding hands. Even now, I can’t fathom how people on that bus could lie like that, and not feel guilty at hearing and seeing the two of them crying and sitting on opposite ends of the bus from each other. Korie sat next to me, in tears, and I remember telling them that I was really sorry for what happened and that I was bad at comforting people. Korie looked at me, smiling, and said, “You really are.” At that moment, as soon as our bus ride ended, and I walked home, I knew our friendship wouldn’t really be the same. Because if I couldn’t completely be there for them when they needed it, then I wasn’t a very reliable friend in the first place. I believe sometime after that incident, Korie stopped riding the bus.

The people who fight the hardest for others always seem to be the ones who can’t fight as hard for themselves. I’m sorry this post is coming so late. Even now I wish I could have been more open with you, and told you just how amazing you really were. I feel strange for saying this, but I have always been there watching you from afar online. When I would see your posts, I would want so hard to message you, but I was scared. I knew you would have talked to me no matter what, even if we weren’t friends online or in person anymore. And here I am now, a year after you have passed, writing all the things I wished I could have told you. 

I miss you, Korie. I hope you’ve finally found your peace.

I can't believe October is almost Octover

*bartender slides my drink to me from across the bar and i fucking fling it back twice as hard*

Me with all my half empty water bottles that I save until there is no more water bottles left in the house and I’m able to survive cause there’s like 7 in my room.

Don’t talk to me or the thirteen half empty water glasses by my bed ever again

I want to know your story

I know

If you told me you loved me right now, I’d believe it.

And I’d probably mean it back.

I save all my rants as drafts so I don’t have to spam everyone with my temporary anger.

Hmmm

I made a joke, expecting my friend to get a lil laugh from it but instead I’m ignored, whoops. I at least made myself laugh, but I hate having to overthink everything I say.

I try, guys. I’m tired of making myself a cookie cutter, sweet person. I just want to be myself. I’m like one of those friends who is slightly offensive but very sensitive. I won’t make fun of your insecurities/physical appearance, but I’ll tease you with the first thing that comes to mind.

I don’t mind name calling. Call me a dork, I’ll call you a lil sht. Tell me I look like a melted peep, I’ll tell you you look like Lord Farquaad.

I like poking fun. I like making people laugh. I like being teased back. I like feeling secure enough to poke fun at someone and be joked with back.

I’m just tired of having to fake who I am, offline and now online.

cinnamon tographer

i’m no cinnamon tographer but this was gay

becoming an adult is essentially having all your friends in different cities and permanently missing someone

Gerard Way 2005 x Justin Borucki Photography

I should be an actress.

I had a full, normal conversation on the phone with my mom today despite me being upset with school related issues.

She had no idea that when I was listening to her talk, I would silently cry because I fucking hate my life right now. And when I would reply, I sounded cheerful and like nothing happened.