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Virtual Suicide Note
Trying to be edgy hehe xD
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Best. Convo. Ever.
3:27AM 4/03/19
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You both like sad.
Stranger: Hello
You: hello
You: hows it going fellow sad human :)
You: :(*
Stranger: Not actually a human
You: :O same here
Stranger: It's going alright, not really that good
Stranger: How about you
You: mehh could be better
Stranger: I feel that
You: anything particular or is it just life lol?
Stranger: Yeah, just need some inspiration to get me going again
You: aha i getchu
Stranger: How are things on your end? What can make your life better
You: ahh thats a big question
You: lets just say im quite an overthinker
Stranger: I know the feeling
You: So I worry too much about what I want to die with my life etc
You: but im going through a "not giving a shit phase" atm lol
Stranger: Yeah, that's a big thing for a lot of people
Stranger: I'm sure you'll find something you'll enjoy
Stranger: Umm are you in any programs? Like that the school offers
Stranger: Maybe you'll find something you enjoy there
Stranger: Its always good to have hobbies
You: hmm not really im quite an antisocial person so i hadnt considered it
You: i do music on the side for fun
You: but its quite pricey hahah
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: Hobbies can definitely be expensive
You: yeah im currently saving up for some equipment so
Stranger: That's nice, goals yass
You: well what do you like to do for fun?
Stranger: ATM I'm into gaming
You: oo me too
You: although i havnt played games for a while
Stranger: Ahh
Stranger: I play shooters mostly
Stranger: I do enjoy other games occasionally
You: yaas pc or a console?
Stranger: Mostly console
Stranger: A little pc here and there
You: ahh i see
Stranger: Yep
Stranger: I'm just in love with edits in videos I want to be more involved with the community but like you I am also sort of antisocial at times
You: Ahhhh
You: you do edits?
Stranger: A little but I'm really not good
You: ah i doubt that
You: what types of edits
You: i wish i was good at video editing haha
Stranger: ATM kinda like a montage
You: ah thats cool
Stranger: I love the community but I'm just so scared of it tbh
You: ah i feels
Stranger: I've never really had anxiety and stuff, but I understand now
Stranger: There's a few people in the community I have a real hard time talking to
Stranger: Like my heart is bumpin' super fast and sometimes I get a sinking feeling
Stranger: Do you have any solutions?
You: aw one of my best friends is like that
You: hmm
You: well recently she's been forcing herself into social situations
You: umm
You: i would start small maybe just talk to a stranger on the bus or something
Stranger: I hate lfgs but it'll probably help
You: ahh understandable
Stranger: I suck online, in person I'm alright
Stranger: Idk why that is
You: i dont really like social situations but it doesnt make me too nervous
You: ahh really?its the opposite for me hahah
You: in person im awkward asf
Stranger: I can be too, but it's usually when I want people to stop talking to me
You: aha
Stranger: I'm not really one to tell someone to go away or shut up
You: For me it would take a while for me to be myself around you if id just met you
You: like id have to chill with you for a long time
You: yeahh me too tbh
Stranger: Yeah, I feel that
You: i get especially awkward if i like someone and im talking to them lmfao
Stranger: Oh lmao
You: thats the only time ill really be nervous
Stranger: Last time I was like that was middle school haha
You: ahh hahah
You: wait how old is middle school lol
Stranger: Do you play any sports or something?
You: we dont use those terms in the UK lol
You: yeahh basketball and I go to the gym a lot
Stranger: Umm like 12, 13, 14
You: ahh so how old are you now?
You: and are you into sports?
Stranger: 19 :/
Stranger: Yeah, wrestling
You: ahh 16 here
Stranger: Oh boy
You: Oo thats awesome
Stranger: Yeah it was fun
Stranger: Especially if you're good
You: i took up kick boxing recently
Stranger: Because then you can use it as like a line
You: i enjoy it way more than karate
You: ahh right
Stranger: Talking to a girl or something, be like aye come watch my matches
Stranger: Don't recommend sitting with them until after you shower tho
You: hahaha
You: ah well I am a girl so don't think i'd be doing that lol
Stranger: Idk some of the girls out here are spitting game
Stranger: Like when I was in school they were smooth af
You: lmaoo
You: id have to be extremely comfortable around someone to have game lol
Stranger: I'm just saying it's just natural for some
You: yeah ive seen
Stranger: One of my best friends, she had a guy miss his stop and go to her house I was like woah
You: god damn lol
Stranger: They ended up dating for two years
You: wow
Stranger: Yeah man, some people out here are experts, I've only been in a handful of relationships
Stranger: So I'm not the best when it comes to keeping people around
You: ahh i get youu
Stranger: Yeah, a lot of my relationships ended pretty bad
Stranger: How about you?
You: How old were you when u had your first serious relationship
You: aw damn that sucks
Stranger: Like 13
You: aha 14 here
Stranger: Wait what do you mean by serious?
You: when I had my first boyfriend
Stranger: Like sexual stuff or like
You: no just like
You: i dont even know what i meant tbh
Stranger: Yeah then, 13
You: rightt
Stranger: We we're together for a while going to each other houses to hang out and stuff
Stranger: I loved her family
Stranger: Super friendly
Stranger: We just drifted apart and I kinda was mean
Stranger: How did yours go?
You: ah suckss
You: well uh it was great at first
You: i was 14 he was 15
Stranger: Ooo
You: like we had a lot in common and many mutual friends
You: we were together for about a year
You: thinks just got ugly the last few months like he was really aggressive
You: and then yeahh that was that
Stranger: Like how?
Stranger: Idk I was just giving her the cold shoulder without even realizing it
You: at first he would just lose his temper and throw shit around or punch something
You: but then he hit me one time in front of all of my friends
Stranger: Yeah, that's a no no
You: and I was actually willing to forgive him but my friends didn't let me to
You: and im glad they didnt
Stranger: That's good
You: i was quite naive then but
You: nah lol
Stranger: I meant like them not letting you forgive him ahha
You: yeahh I know :p
You: were you in love with her
You: the girl you grew apart form
Stranger: Umm sort of
Stranger: Hard to explain
You: yeah love is a tricky word
Stranger: I tend to use it in the wrong sense
Stranger: Idk, she was really cool, we didn't really share many things but she was understanding
Stranger: Because we were completely different people
You: ahh
Stranger: At the end of the day, she had both her parents her whole life and was sheltered, I didn't so I knew way more than her in that sense
You: ahh :( must of been hard
Stranger: Eh, I had my uncles to keep me in check
Stranger: And even tho my dad wasn't there a lot to help me, he still showed me a lot of things
Stranger: Like never lay a hand on a woman, and look out for others
You: ah i see
Stranger: I'm the second oldest
Stranger: 2 brothers 2 sisters
You: ah wow
You: ive just got an older brother
Stranger: Was he nice ?
You: Well
You: when we were younger we pretty much hated eachother and he always hit me lol
You: but now he's more supportive and a much calmer guy
Stranger: Lmao
You: he had loads of issues i cant really hate him anymore
You: but he's quite a jealous guy so hes scared of other boys lol
Stranger: I feel that
Stranger: Oh really now? Like he doesn't have guy friends or
You: yeah hes been like a dad to me pretty much lol
You: nah he does but like
You: hes scared of my interactions with guys because, in his words he "knows what guys are like"
Stranger: That's true
You: so he would threaten me to not have a boyfriend and shit lol
Stranger: Yeah
You: im kind of glad he was like that though
Stranger: Have you been to a part yet?
Stranger: Party
You: prevented me from doing dumb shit
You: Yeah one
You: not really my thing
Stranger: Go to a few more then you'll see what he means
You: Yeah I pretty much understood from that party hahha
You: pretty much an excuse to drink, smoke and have sex
Stranger: Yep
Stranger: Like we come from different places
Stranger: Out here in Illinois people are like less picky
You: oh really?
Stranger: A lot of my friends back back in middle school lost their virginity to the same girl
You: whoa
Stranger: So like I your brother said, he knows what guys want
Stranger: When I mean a lot I mean like 3
You: damn
Stranger: Idk, I just don't like the idea of my mans being with the same girl as me
Stranger: I've always been like that
You: yeah i get you
Stranger: I'm glad you're close to your brother I'm not close to my older brother
You: ah what about your other siblings?
Stranger: Closer but not super close
Stranger: I kinda keep to myself now
You: yeah im close with him in one sense, but theres a lot i cant talk to him about
You: ahh i feels
Stranger: Yeah, like when I was 15, I stopped talking to a lot of people
Stranger: Depression hit me hard
You: shit :/
Stranger: Yeah, shit can be tough especially if you don't talk to people
Stranger: Just a fyi, if you have issues find someone to talk to
You: yeah definitely
Stranger: But be careful because some people will use it against you
You: yeah ive always been a closed book
You: especially females!!
You: they love having dirt on somebody
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: That's how my umm relationship at 15 ended
Stranger: I told her what was going on and she told the whole school and stuff
You: wow wtf
Stranger: It was really bad because I was umm sent away for a little
You: jesus
Stranger: Yeah I was out for like two weeks
Stranger: 3 days at the hospital then about a little more than a week at the facility
You: ahh shit :c
Stranger: After that I didn't really trust anyone
Stranger: Tbh I only just started talking to people about my problems
You: yeah i get what that feels like people have broken my trust a lot growing up
You: yeah same really
You: I was forced into counselling and i hating going at first
You: my counsellor saw i hated talking to people so she encouraged me to talk to a friend
Stranger: The person I had listening, I didn't really like her do I stopped going
Stranger: So*
You: and this friend i knew i could trust so i told her a lot
Stranger: That's good
Stranger: I grew away from my best friend
You: Yeahh it felt really unnatural so i just prefered talking to someone close
Stranger: There's just some things I can't tell him
You: Yeah i get you
You: I was scared i would drive her away if i told her certain things
Stranger: Idk I want to tell someone but I don't trust anyone
You: but i still told her a lot
Stranger: It's not about driving them away
You: someone in the family maybe?
Stranger: Its about them telling the person
Stranger: I told you how I'm not close to my brother but we have a lot in common and he's closer to the family than me
Stranger: So I can't really vent to my uncles or cousins
You: right
You: ermm
You: the things you wanted to talk abiout
You: is it something that can be used against you in a way?
Stranger: Sort of
Stranger: It's more or less like I'll say something then they'll bring stuff to just destroy my character and stuff
Stranger: The way we talk is people get really defensive and start attacking you if they don't like what you have to say
You: ah i understand
You: thats a shitty position to be in :c
Stranger: Yeah, I can't tell any of my online friends either because I don't want people to think different of me if they know I tried to commit suicide
Stranger: One of the people in the community I love knows because she was one of the first people I told
You: damn
Stranger: But she told her bf back in the day and he sent me a lot of hurtful messages
You: people can be really ignorant about these kinds of things so i get its hard to talk about
You: what the fuck
You: thats so messed up smh :(
Stranger: It was like 3ish years ago but I still remember it
Stranger: He isn't with her anymore but when I do end up talking to her, my stomach sinks so much
Stranger: And my heart beats really fast
You: crap
You: have you spoken to her about that?
Stranger: Honestly just thinking about her just makes me nervous, not really very briefly
Stranger: It was just catching up and she has changed as a person and I'm just scared tbh
You: ahh damn
Stranger: Honestly, this is the biggest reason why I don't feel motivated. This is why I need inspiration
You: what specifically
Stranger: The fact that she knows that I tried to commit suicide and like I said I want to play a bigger part of the community and she streams occasionally and I don't want the community to know. Because I know I'll get a lot of messages and stuff
Stranger: Hate stands out a lot more than support
You: ahh definitely i feel that
Stranger: It makes me really nervous
You: what do you think would help?
Stranger: I don't know
Stranger: I over think as well
Stranger: Like idk one of my good friends I've been playing with for a year straight kinda did some lame shit so
Stranger: I'm not really trusting anyone
You: ah damn
Stranger: We umm got into some illegal activities and he liked about something and it was something big
Stranger: So I don't know how much he'll do to make the like true even if it means one of us will get sent away to prison
Stranger: Lie
You: ohh shit
Stranger: Yeah, so I haven't talked to that guy in like 3 weeks or so
Stranger: So I'm on edge and don't trust anyone
You: thats understandable
You: given everything thats happened
Stranger: Thanks for listening
Stranger: Even tho I don't have solutions for everything I will try to talk to people a little more so I can be a bit more friendly
You: Thank you too stranger this has been quite a good talk
You: and i never do this kind of thing lol
Stranger: Oh?
Stranger: What do you usually do
You: Nothing really I just swim around in my thoughts
Stranger: Aww
Stranger: I wouldn't mind listening to some thoughts (:
You: Like I know there is a certain person I can trust but I hate worrying people or burdening them with my problems
You: ahh I appreciate that
You: I don't even know where to begin haha
Stranger: It's cool just say whatever's on your mind
You: Okay just so you get a better understanding I'll tell you a bit about me lol
Stranger: I'm all ears
You: Right so ill just start to when I was around 10 years old
You: I always felt different and I was quite isolated from people because of it
You: like i didnt really have friends because the ones I had ended up hating me or breaking my trust or some dumb shit
Stranger: What made you feel different? Anything in particular?
You: and I got bullied for like a year
Stranger: Ahh
You: Uhh well
You: I thought differently to everyone else
You: Like
You: everyone was so much more willing to be ignorant about things just because it made them happier
Stranger: Definitely, I know how dumb people can be
You: And everyone around me would be after small meaningless things and I felt like I always thought big
You: idk what im saying hahah but yeah people pretty much thought I was a weirdo and i got bullied for it
Stranger: A lot of people miss the big picture
Stranger: I never really got bullied
You: so when i was 11 i had my first real real friends
Stranger: A little name calling here and there
You: yeah it really sucked im glad it didnt last too long
Stranger: What we're their names?
Stranger: That's nice
You: hahaha
Stranger: Were
You: I really don't remember now I left that school
Stranger: Awww
Stranger: One of my old best friends was cody
You: ohh you mean my friends
Stranger: He was a goofy kid
Stranger: Yeah silly
You: soz im so sleep deprived i read it wrong hahah
Stranger: It's okay
You: Well there was three of us
You: crystal, danielle and tamanna
You: them three*
You: and there was me
You: so it was a small friendship circle and i was friends with them from ages 11, 12, 13, 14
You: like there was additions to the group but i wont say much about them
Stranger: I feel that we all got our groups
You: but during these few years i was still that same weird different kid
You: but I suppressed that and acted like somebody else so I would have friends
Stranger: I sort of did the same thing
You: and yeah these friends weren't great, they lied a lot, said a lot about eachother (including me) behind eachothers back, spread rumours, told secrets
You: so I knew i couldnt trust them with the things i was thinking or whatnot
Stranger: Yeah, it's tough finding trustworthy people at that age
Stranger: You gotta find them before all that
Stranger: Hormones can do a lot to mess things up
You: so yeah, 14 years old was when I was really down about it, I felt lonely all the time because I was constantly stuck in my own thoughts
You: yeahh definitely
Stranger: Did you think about the same things
You: So I would spend a lot of time on my own which was the biggest mistake lol
You: pretty much yeah but
Stranger: Definitely
You: there was a lot i was thinking about
Stranger: Like what
You: Ahh things about people, things about like, our purpose
You: it got really unhealthy i guess
You: life**
You: i guess i asked a lot of questions which couldn''t be answered
Stranger: When I was younger I always knew what I wanted in life
You: ahh really?
Stranger: Yeah, it's kinda silly and a lot of people think it's lame but my friends and I all wanted to become pro players
You: ah thats sick
Stranger: That was back in the day 6ish years ago
You: its not silly at all
Stranger: It is, in the sense that it's a lot of work and a lot of people don't make it
You: True but, its good to have dreams and ambitions
You: something to work towards
Stranger: Most definitely but people need a back up plan
You: Yeah definitely
Stranger: What did you want
Stranger: Like in life
You: I never knew to be honest
You: generally I wanted to help or inspire people
You: but never knew specifically what
Stranger: I'm sure there's something that'll bring you in (:
You: but that all went to shit when i got olde rhahah
You: yeahh I'm waiting for it :)
Stranger: I'm sure you'll get the passion back and start caring again
You: I hope so
Stranger: Sometimes when I need motivation I watch some videos of people I look up to
You: Theres other things I need to fix first before that can happen
Stranger: For sure
You: ah thats nice
Stranger: Work on yourself before helping others
You: Yeah I know that I should but
You: idk i never really felt worth the effort I always thought everyone else was more important
You: second biggest mistake lol
Stranger: I feel that
Stranger: I was actually failing a lot of classes because I spent all my time helping others and not doing my own work
Stranger: So I just cheated on all my paperwork with friends
You: ah wow
You: damn
Stranger: That was middle school tho
Stranger: Can't do that in highschool
Stranger: You'll get into serious trouble
You: yeahh
You: its kind of like that here
Stranger: Academic dishonesty is a big issue
You: slightly different system
Stranger: Especially if you want to get into a big school
You: but theres mostly exam papers
You: oh yeah 100%
Stranger: Yeah
You: ahh I have such little time to fix up though
You: like last year I was really stupid
Stranger: Why
You: and the year before hahah
Stranger: What did you do
You: ahh lets see
You: so
You: when I was 14 I just fell into a deep hole of bullshit and stupidity and got into the habit of harming myself
You: and I left all of my old friends and found new, even worse friends
Stranger: I feel it, I did the same sort of
Stranger: Did they encourage your behavior?
You: but i "loved" them for the reason that we would smoke a lot of weed together
You: no nobody knew i hid it all the time
Stranger: Ahhh, yeah drugs are definitely something interesting
You: yeah definitely
Stranger: I don't think anyone who isn't there mentally should do drugs
You: dumbest thing I could have done in my situation as it was the only think I was relying on to make me even the slightest bit happy
You: yeah so true
Stranger: Happiness can be tricky
You: and then in that friendship group was this one guy who I wont go into much detail about but we were both mentally fucked up so we were just toxic together and fucked eachother up even more
Stranger: I did the same thing
You: and my mum found out about me harming myself so i was forced into counselling, my mum was getting panic attacks because of stressing about me
You: which made me feel shit so i started harming myself again
Stranger: Awww ):
You: and then at 15
You: is like one of the most important exams we do in the UK
Stranger: We do it at like 16-17
You: and basically i didnt really care much about life so I purposefully failed everything
Stranger: ):
You: here its 15-18
You: 17*
You: and then i left to go to a new school because i hated everyone there so im going there currently
You: and the most important exams
You: well the first year of it
You: are coming up
You: and yeah I'm still not in a really good place mentally
Stranger: Do you know why that is?
You: I don't smoke anymore but I rely on hurting myself wayy too much
You: I honestly do not, and ive thought about it a lot too :/
Stranger: Is it what happened in the past?
You: i think its just many small things that just add up
You: maybe
You: this is weird but recently like im remembering stuff from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about
Stranger: Yeah, something like happens to me
Stranger: It's just weird dreams of the past
You: yeahh me too
Stranger: A lot of it is middle school stuff like dances and stuff
Stranger: Like dates and what not
You: ahh
You: for me its like when i was really really young
You: but idk because these memories seem really bizarre that im wondering if im somehow making some of them up
You: one of them which I know is true is the first time that my dad hit my mum
You: he never did again but
You: I dont know why im remembering it now
Stranger: That's good
Stranger: Umm I'm not sure tbh
Stranger: Do you believe in like the guy feeling and stuff?
Stranger: Guy
Stranger: Gut*
You: sometimes i guess
You: actually yeah
Stranger: Maybe something is going to happen
Stranger: I believe in it, a few weeks back I felt weird and stuff and then it came true
Stranger: Hopefully nothing bad happens
You: hm
You: yeah hopefully
You: idk thats not the feeling i get from this
Stranger: What do you get?
You: its more like me just remembering a bunch of shit i forced myself to forget
Stranger: Ahhh
You: but i just dont understand why im remebering now
You: of all times lol
Stranger: Maybe something that happened triggered that memory?
You: i dont really know
You: like sometimes its in dreams
You: sometimes ill just be daydreaming in class and remember something vividly
You: weird shit lol
Stranger: Nah I feel that too
Stranger: I was always in iss so I day dreamed a lot
You: i know a lot of people say that like things that happen in your childhood affect you when your older
Stranger: Yeah definitely
You: but would it still affect me even if i didnt remember them?
You: cos like some of it makes sense
Stranger: Yes I'm sure it would
You: when i think of these new found memories lol
Stranger: It's hard to explain over text but yeah definitely
You: yeah i getchu haha
You: but uhh yeah, theres a lot i need to change in my life lol
Stranger: Start small, silly
You: where do you even start lmao
Stranger: Ummmmm
Stranger: So how is your studying? Good bad?
You: terrible i dont even study haha
You: im basically doing what i did last year
You: i just have no motivation for it i guess
Stranger: But your future silly
Stranger: Don't you wanna help people?
You: yeah i stopped thinking about that a while ago
You: oh yeah i was gonna talk about taht
You: so uh
Stranger: Help yourself
You: Yeah like last summer
Stranger: GET AN EDUCATION SO YOU CAN GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT
You: lmaooo
Stranger: I just want you to do something you enjoy
Stranger: And not be stuck with something you hate
Stranger: Passion matters a lot
Stranger: And I'm sure there's some guy that'll love that you do that stuff 😉
Stranger: You'll be a major guy magnet
You: But yeah a little before summer one of my friends killed herself because of the guy I used to date (the toxic relationship guy) and it just showed me how different people are to how they actually seem. I basically started hating people and became a selfish prick and drove myself a bit crazy until one of my friends metaphorically slapped me in the face and woke me up. The hatred lasted for a few months maybe
You: i agree i still need to think about what i want i guess
Stranger: Try some programs, clubs or something (:
Stranger: Hobbies are always nice to have
You: yeah id just rather do hobbies alone than with people
Stranger: My friend went through the same thing sort of
You: i still sort of hate most people hahah
Stranger: I feel that
You: its weird but because of that i feel like i can read people and i know exactly what someones intentions are
You: which is stupid but
Stranger: Yeah some people feel that way
You: yeah i always think that everyones a fake
Stranger: My brother feels that way and I hate him
You: so it makes it hard for me to get along with people
You: yeah its really stupid i need to learn to trust people
Stranger: It takes a while but people's true colors come out
Stranger: Start small, work your way up
Stranger: <(^~^<)
You: yah i should
You: i need to do some serious soul searching hahah
Stranger: Yeah, I wish I could help, but I always knew what I wanted
Stranger: I'm sure you'll find yourself
You: ahh well you've been a huge help just by listening
You: ive said stuff ive never said before to someone so
You: its been really helpful thanks stranger :)
Stranger: Listen, at the end of the day it's whatever you want
Stranger: We can leave things here if you want
Stranger: Just remember to take care of yourself
Stranger: And please don't hurt yourself
You: ahh well small steps remember
Stranger: Life is beautiful
Stranger: Oh shush
You: hahaha
Stranger: See you around (probably not tho)- J
Stranger has disconnected.
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