getting attached to someone or some certain moment is sucks. why do i need to get attached? and what should i do if they're leaving one by one while here i am reminiscing all the memories left with shredded tears on my cheeks.

how am i supposed to moving on when every laugh we had back still ringing on my ears like the morning alarm?

a cup of tea i sipped in the morning wouldn't taste the same since i don't have someone to talk about the last night's sweet dream.

the weather is nice today and im feeling blue out of nowhere. the feelings and attachment still grows day by day yet i know it will come to its end very soon.

if one's ever owe me an explanation about what love actually is, i might as well answered it without any doubt, hamada asahi is my best form of love. no matter how many people come and go in this life, he's remain there still, waiting me to hold his hand and walking through this flowery path together. i would die to see the dimple on his cheekbones.

im gonna pray for him for a long time, for all the upcoming seasons.

writing this on my behalf of the person i just met but i love so endearly, choi hyunsuk. at the first moment i saw his laugh i could recognize it's the laugh i would like to sacrifice anything in order to keep it on its place, his puffy cheek and crescent eyes. the tiny chubby fingers he have whom always holding his friends and push them from behind, to make sure none being left. the type of man who won't yell at any woman because the huge love his mom inherit to him is flowing through his every blood veins. after a long alone walk in the dark tunnel, i finally get free all thanks to the love you share me. i will never know how love is this warm and safe. it feels like you're just here sitting next to me in the park bench sharing musics we love and silently humming to our favorite melody. when the weather is fine, the sun shine brightly and the wind is blowing softly, you're whispering some encouraging words to my ear.

you told me, "hang in there for a while, life will always worth the tears"

then i asked you "what kind of tears?"

he's laughing again. my favorite laugh. "im sorry i just saying and babbling out of nowhere. but, you know... i just really want you to stay, whether it'll be with me or not"

if i do not care as much as before will it make me as a not so decent human being?

in this cruel world why ones mind to be the cruelest than the fate that it is?

don't even bother to ask what kind of feelings i have towards you, asa. i know it isn't just love. the words beyond love... i could say.

screwed mind

one day, im gonna leave this fucked place behind. i have nothing in my mind but what kind of work should i do to have lot of allowance for myself. im so tired growing up poor, and i dont think i should make my future kids going the same struggle. but i dont want to marry anyways, i just dont care... love is dead for me. i dont believe in love anymore. the only thing i believe is money and money is what made me full as a decent human being. call me whatever you want but i dont care anymore since lack of money is always the source of 999+ disaster. id rather being single for an entire life than being married but life a miserable poor life. i just want to live somewhere far away... all by myself. being a person i can fully be and living my best life so i can proudly stand by myself. all i ask is to be a financially freedom woman i dont need anything else. im so tired. everyday living this life made me want to end things also this life that i lived in the past 21 years.

letter i made for him

Sincerely, i will tell you everything.

Questioned myself a lot these days whether is this feeling love or things like that? because i dont really understand what love actually is. Scared about everything yet still taking the risk since i got nothing to lose. They said, if you love them you gotta tell them. And i agree! since we’re all only live once so with all the bravery left we gotta do everything we want in order to living a no regret life.

Might sounds so silly BUT I REALLY CANT get rid you off of my head no matter how hard i tried (and i actually dont try). The very first moment i saw you from the photos you had in your profile i was feeling you, like.. i was thinking “oh, i got that good vibes from him” and turned out we’re a match. Come to think about it, this is so funny.

Disclaimer : before going any further, i think i should tell you that im a blunt person so im gonna say anything i wanted to. Especially, to the people i adore the most! I always want to tell them how precious they’re for me.

And you’re just too good to be true. The man of my dream, my granted wish. Your existence mean a lot for me, and thanks to you, my dreams come true. Im actually a real hopeless-romantic (AND SO HELPLESS) yet still dreaming of the day where i can meet the love of my life, the one that got me brave to take all the risk whatever it takes. I mean, as long as it’s with you, there’s nothing to lose. It’s been a very long time since i got this much butterflies. The thrill was all fun and i couldnt be more thankful. Sometimes, i could find ways to love me by loving the other first. And i think… it is what it is.

This is so interesting because your every text could add my lifespan. I love it when we were talking about musics and sharing each others meme. I still remember the first time i matched with u was one of my lowest point and thanks to you i got giggled after crying for days. Im being honest when i told u i was the happiest when i got ur text (real). You could ask that one friend of mine whom i always told about u, how i was always keyboard smashing everytime i got a notification from u (THIS IS SO SILLY OF ME).

I considerate to confess all of these in order to set myself free. I love hard and getting move on as soon as possible, and by confessing, sure it will helps me a lot. Anyways, maybe i shouldnt call it as love? Because perhaps i was just actually getting attached (a lil bit too much). And i do not expecting anything from this. Anyway, unrequited loves are always the mesmerized one for me, at least. Im glad if you’re still wanna be friends with me after i send u this, but only if u feel uncomfy its ok to make a distance and… goodbye! see u when i see u!

Im hoping every good things to happen for you, in the future. Such as, you’re gonna be graduated in 2023, have a decent job you’d like to do, and get healed from anything that broke you in the past. I hope the tattoo in your hand would last long so you dont need to recreate it way too frequently. Jill, your babygirl! I hope she wont get any sick, eating much, and always cheering you up by your side. Please pay attention to yourself and eat well soo you wont get sick anymore.

Nothing happened in this world just to be a mere coincidence, hence everything happens for a reason. Even if the two of us never passing by each other in rl and only meeting here, virtually but i guarantee all i was just saying and feeling was true. And so do us.

Lastttttt, im so glad to meet you bayuu and wishing you more good days ahead, xoxo!

p.s : do not tell anyone about this im so shy (the last thing i would like to ask) and do not make fun of this (i know that u wont but still i couldnt help my paranoia) (╥﹏╥) i know what i was just saying up there kindaaa cringe but just let it be (IM SORRY) ^•ﻌ•^ฅ♡

a majesty end

i wasn't quite sure where do it all has started. the high paced roller coaster of dopamine took a lot of parts in this game. one thing for sure i never really liked him since the start. quiet hypocrite for me to say this because in fact i was crying all alone when he got distant and change. nah but im teling ya boy that was all just the shows from my undiagnosed bpd symptomps showings. oh i loved the kind of attention you gave towards me. you worshipped me saying im pretty and stuffs. my ego boosted and i was on my ecstasy high. what a great escapism, in fact that this young boy right there could entertain me this much.

you aren't on the same stage on me unfortunately. i clearly remember what you were saying at one of those night calls, "afraid that im too good for you". then? why are you projecting your insecurities on me? that was none of my business lol. keep your insecurities for yourself i don't need that. you don't deserve me at all. im too good to be true for you. now im so glad that this shit come to it end. my bad, young boy. i always thought you could present a fun show a little bit longer but you're such a coward freak. i will be deleting your existence from my memories. put a hatred toward unworthy piece of shit like you isn't worth it at all.

attachment is the worst. for fucking real.

i hate being attached to a person, event, or some glances memories.

im afraid of everything, for not being good enough for everyone, for the possibilities of hurting and upsetting them.

aku lelah bergulat dengan semua pikiranku, tentang berbagai kemungkinan yang sebenarnya belum pasti terjadi. hingga pada akhirnya, sebuah kesadaran baru terbentuk, bahwa sejatinya tiap rasa baik duka maupun lara biar aku rasa saja apa adanya.

meskipun bukan hari ini, kita masih bisa bertemu dengan orang-orang baik di esok hari.

since i was very young, i used to be alone and getting lonely just because i was once a bully victim. it was screwing me, like a lot. ever since that im growing up with so much hatred towards myself, thinking why am i never anough to be liked, adored, and accepted in any friends circle. i tried so hard and the situations keep putting me on the edge side of wall. again, i hated myself for that. for having flaws, unfair skin, thick lips, trembling voice, and not smart enough. pushing myself way too hard and do anything in order to get an academic validation because that was the only way i can be seen by the others. i knew they're fake enough while make an effort to be friends with me just because im smart. i actually dont mind that, im oke being friends with everyone but just... she was one of my bully and all of sudden act like she's close enough with me? gtfo girl.

gladly in highschool i met lot of good friends. even if i dont belong to any circle, but i can make a really good friends with them. highschool era was one of the best time in my life. the nostalgic feelings of highschool time was the best <3

i even wrote a letter for him T___T little did you know i will always waiting for you here. just please, dont forget me. take your time, you dont need to rush :) do you have some words left unsaid to tell?

now i get a new realization that you're just a mere winter fling that passed by in my life, the one that ended my autumn. as the leaves keep falling from the trees, so do i. falling for you was one of a kind of remarkable experience to happens in my life. you just came into my life out of nowhere and yet i was unprepared. silly me falling for someone through the text and calls. back and forth going through the denial phase and questioning myself: how could you fall for someone you've never met? but again i cant deny that what was i feelings all are true (at least for now). i just knew that ever since i cry and cry over you, how bad i miss you when i wake up in the morning, being on a train, and even in the midst of crowds. dont, just dont ask me why am i feeling this way because i dont know why, too. i accepted the facts that i loved you a lil bit too much. i think, thats totally okay. and for now, i will letting you go from my mind. but still, i hope one day you'll come back and tell me what do you feel, your genuine feeling towards me whatever is that, because all i need is clarity.

my emotions shifted way too fast and easy thus i dont know which one is real. im having a hard times to figure who am i. why do i need to feel the hysterical euphoria just to be drowned in the ocean of sadness a minute later? sometimes i just dont understand everything, why's this earth keep rotating, the sun keep shines, and this feelings hardly come to its end

i love you and i always do :)

a video on my tiktok fyp just passing by. a couple seems to love and adore each other so much and i just cried at that time. i've always been questioned myself why am i always being the one who stand on a one sided love. why none of my feelings is reciprocated. just wondering how does it feels being loved by someone i adore so much... will love happens to me one day?

i still remember that night when we've a spotify session together... and this song just played with an unmatched vibes. i hope that you know i always miss you in the train, i miss you in the morning. this song hits hard when i went to jakarta. when i was on a train, i remembered you. when i woke up in the morning i miss you, too.