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"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31:30
"And blessed is the one who is not offended by me." Matthew 11:6
"Patrick's emotional grasp of Christian truth may have been greater than Augustine's. Augustine looked into his own heart and found there the inexpressible anguish of each individual, which enabled him to articulate a theory of sin that has no equal -- the dark side of Christianity. Patrick prayed, made peace with God, and then looked not only into his own heart but into the hearts of others. What he saw convinced him of the bright side -- that even slave traders can turn into liberators, even murderers can act as peacemakers, even barbarians can take their place among the nobility of heaven." -How the Irish Saved Civilization
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Isn’t enthusiastic anymore. Doesn’t bother to reply anymore. Doesn’t seem to like me anymore.
I wonder if there is logic behind this or if he’s actually emotionally unattached now.
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Right now, all I can focus on is either how sad I am, or how excited I am. Both at the same time.
This last semester of college has been really hard for me. I honestly think it’s because of the big changes in my life, and allowing myself to have feelings for guys again. First it was Eric, now it’s Nick. I allow myself to get too attached, and lose hold of myself. Right now things with Nick aren’t how I’d like them to be. Sure, we’re on “good terms”, but we’re not together. We don’t talk very often, and sometimes I question whether he really likes me or not. I just don’t feel like it’s stable, and it makes me doubt myself and our connection.
What I’m excited for (and this may be selfish of me to say) is for Nick to go back to Indiana. If he leaves, I think I’ll be free again. Having him near me makes me want to talk to him and be with him every minute of the day. But if he’s gone...itll make it a lot easier for me to focus on what’s here in front of me. I want to graduate, to move out of Malibu, and to go to Santa Monica. I want to start my new life, and build a new me. (cheesy, I know).
I imagine living in Santa Monica to be a dream. To live in a beautiful home with Grace. To redecorate my room. Clean slate. To focus on myself this summer. Go on runs and bike rides in the neighborhood. To be fit. Like...really fit. To sit at coffeeshops and meet new people. To hopefully find a satisfying job and make new friendships. To read some books (doubtful, but it’s nice to be a little hopeful). To do yoga, maybe learn to seriously meditate To learn how to cook (like actually cook). Blog more. Maybe take a class and learn a new instrument, or language, or dance. Spend more money on experiences over material things.
I just want to smile again. Be carefree again. Be positive and happy and be a light in peoples’ lives.. I feel like i’ve been a different person, with anxiety, anger and sadness.
But I know it will happen. I know. I’m taking it a day at a time. Right now though, is mourning time. But soon, it will be recovering time.
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Belinda and Rosita, Buenos Aires, Argentina. 1998. Alessandra Sanguinetti.
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4/1/17
I spent the day feeling sad. But the sadness that was stiff, numb, and vacant. I so badly wanted to let my emotions out...to feel the sadness and to understand that sadness more than anything. But I couldn’t. I was still.
I couldn’t even write about how I felt. There were so many emotions running through my mind that I couldn’t get it down on paper. It made me more frustrated because I couldn’t even talk about it with myself. I couldn’t even understand why I was truly feeling this way. There were no tears, no emotions. I was still.
I started watching This Is Us, and watched as the father of the show showed love for his kids. Constantly showing support, showing love and being there to make their days brighter. I started missing my dad. Once I thought about my dad, tears broke down.
Can I call you right now? I texted him saying. I start getting emotional and tears start streaming down my face. An hour later, he replies is it not too late? No, it’s not and it doesn’t matter. I call him. The moment he answers, I lose my breath and cry. Dad... i’m so sad...
I told him everything about Nick. He told me to be honest with my feelings, but to stay strong, and to ultimately find a man who will love me more than I love him. Every woman needs a man who loves her more than she loves him. I put that in perspective, and realized that Nick does not love me more than I love him. At least not at the moment. Maybe he did a month ago, but not anymore.
Afterwards, I felt so much better. My dad was able to make me feel again. He allowed me to get in touch with my emotions instantly. I realized that afterwards, I was relieved from talking to him. Nick wasn’t even on my mind anymore.
And that’s when I realized... most of my problems stem from the absence of my father. The reason why it’s hard for me to make right decisions is because he’s my moral compass, and sadly, I don’t get to speak with him much. But I want to change that. I want to talk to him more often...to help me make better decisions and to remind myself why I’m here and why I am strong and loved. If i have my father’s love, it exceeds any love. I feel powerful and strong today...two things I have failed to feel in many aspects of my life.
I’m praying that if we start building our relationship, it can be the beginning of a great journey to find myself, to fix myself, and to love myself.
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I’ve been eating a lot lately and it’s making me so angry with myself.
I feel so stupid for being so sloppy on Saturday. I pray to God that no one saw anything that happened between Eric and me. I’m a little nervous going into work on Monday. I should stop drinking to the point where I don’t remember. It’s not worth it because all I wish is to remember.
I don’t know if I’m using Nick just because I like the attention, or because i’m sad and he’s there to make me feel better, or if I actually like him and want to be with him. Maybe it’s all three, but one of them definitely outweighs the other and I think I know which one that is...
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Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
Corrie ten Boom (via purplebuddhaproject)
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I realized that I hate being alone, and that’s why I rush through everything. Whether it’s driving, walking, getting ready for bed... I always do it with the intent of getting to that state of mind where i’m either with somebody, near people, or asleep.
Some people really take their time with things, and I wish I could be more like those people. I want to set a real goal for myself to stop rushing. To do things a little earlier, or later, to give me more time to be alone.
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