average #protectourchildren right winger when you bring up csa prevention measures that actually work (children would know too much about consent)

Worlds oldest haunted house has passed away at the age of 207

in the year 3620 BC your ancestor set alight a field belonging to my ancestor, destroying near half an acre of good barley and causing much misery in our house. delete thy blog wretched saboteur

Can we run away together

"you should be at the club" I can't go to the club I'll be in there saying shit like "perchance" and "thrice"

im quitting tumblr

One time I was working as a waiter at a burger joint where the fries were tossed in salt and coriander and as I was bringing food over to the table for these two huge beefy guys one of them asks what the green stuff is so I go "it's coriander" and his friend goes very seriously "he can't have coriander" and I'm thinking shit ok maybe he's allergic and guy 1 starts pulling up his sleeve to show me something and I'm thinking shit shit shit he's probably breaking out in hives rn and it's my fault but he just shows me his arm and he has this huge cursive font tattoo that just says "I fucking hate coriander"

whenever someone is born their dim herbivorous placid soul is plucked from the tropical rainforest river valley beyond time and processed through a grinding and chewing reality thresher (living in material reality) and then when they die a flock of estuary birds takes their soul back to the forest where they resume grazing as an ancestral rhinocerous-like beast only this time with a subtle hint of grim clarity and understanding in their wet eyes

mid-conversation I toss a pistol onto the table not to suggest or imply anything but just to change the situation a little

i am! obsessed! with this book from the late ming dynasty about scams to watch out for (esp. if you are a traveling merchant). this guy is like, there ARE immortals who can survive without food but you WILL NOT encounter them because they live alone in the mountains and don't talk to anyone. if a monk comes to your house and claims to not need to eat, it's probably because he's secretly eating human fetuses, or something. eunuchs are invariably corrupt and the court system is useless. however, do NOT try to bribe anyone for a better SAT result for your idiot failson; this never works. nuns WILL try to seduce your wife into cheating on you. if your idiot failson does really badly on the SAT, make sure to have his father's remains buried somewhere with A+ fengshui; this is Guaranteed to work (unless your wife is cheating on you).

Once again its 3am and this washing machine wizard haunts me