yvesolade
terror, terrified
the real yves olade. poet, phd, boy of ur dreams
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in a truly baffling turn of events, my new doctor is refusing to prescribe my medication unless I go to a service with a 7 month waiting list so I can be re diagnosed with adhd for the third time overall and for the second time by that particular service
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the other main takeaway is that it wasn't some specific unique punishment from the universe to remind me that ******** university is racist, it is in fact just the standard punishment that institutions and individuals level upon any black person who has the nerve to exist within prestigious white institutions
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still like upset and angry about what happened earlier today but think the main takeaway for now is that if I want to heal I have to stop opening the wound
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#i had an awful time during my undergraduate degree#i was so depressed and so so unhappy#but went back for a five year reunion today#and I didn't really want to go but i went and i shouldn't have#someone was racist to my parents#and i spent the whole day surrounded by people who loved it there#and how do you be like . i don't feel safe here I never belonged here the psychological consequences of the years I spent here#will haunt me for the rest of my life?#and i can't even tell anyone any of this#because the friends i know from undergrad will be like :/ because they loved it and the fact i had a bad time makes them feel guilty#and the friend i have from outside is like#always anti ****** university#in a way that isn't helpful and doesn't make me feel good#so I'm just like. sad#i feel like im being punished for forgetting what it's like there
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you come into MY house on the day my mutuals are to be married and send me an evil boop ?
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This night, I say the name of the knife that wounds me still:
your hand almost gentle on the hilt; desire sliding neat
between my ribs, skin bruising soft as the rot-sweet peach.
I am reaching now for the pit of my heart, I am praying to you again.
I surrender my grieving made offering, I hail the winter
giving graceless way to spring—beg forgiveness by that awful
reverence, which I offer both what I love and what I fear.
Ode to Goncharov (1973), Yves Olade
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something v funny about people trying and failing to redeem abusive relationships in fanfic. like 250k words later and it's like, my brother in Christ I hate to tell you this but this is still abuse
#like obvs people can explore fucked up relationship dynamics etc etc#but the failed fucked up to healthy relationship pipeline is like . unparalleled
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#im being pretty aggressively hit on#and have come to the (re) realisation#that the reason i experience absolute terror#at any expression of interest#is that underneath my thin veneer of self acceptance#is an ocean of self hatred#millimetre to mile in my veins#and desire cuts straight through into it like a fucking scalpel#and i can't face it I just run in the other direction
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#on the topic of fanfiction#some of you are exploring complex themes in literature#and some of you are producing child p*rnography#which is not any less disgusting for being in text form#and i truly hope someone ***************** you :)
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ik I have a chronic mental illness and so this shouldn't suprise me but honestly the fact that I just feel bad sometimes for no reason and there's nothing I can do about it is so unbelievably fucked up
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#friends are being . very inconsiderate atm#and i have work to do so I'm not going to cry in my room about it#but i kind of want to cry in my room about it
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10 years since I started writing myself letters ever year on new year's day (or close enough). wild.
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was hoping my short christmas break would fix me but back at work today and immediately having the same breakdown I had two weeks ago bc I just have no idea how I'm going to do this lmfao
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finally watching iwtv and Paul and Louis are soooooo cute . the little dance I'm 🥲
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reblog this with what you’re proud of accomplishing this year in the tags! (this does NOT mean work-related!!! this can be personal growth!! relationship growth!!! a hobby you started!!! mental health challenges you faced and are working on!!)
#said yes to basically all social events & opportunities!#have had more of a Life this year than ever!#first year off antidepressants since i started taking them in 2017#and I coped!#went on some dates even though they didn't work out#made some new friends#committed hard to a new hobby#so am now a fiber artist !!!
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