Hoes please listen up

I am the virgin friend of many hoes and since I can’t ho properly just yet I specialize in ho maintenance. I have an immense knowledge of skin and hair and let me tell you what you need to do to your body before you go and see your first draft pick, your geriatric sugar daddy, your main bitch’s father:

You need to set aside a day to wash your body. Have a full tank of hot water because me personally when I take a bath I take a shower too. I have taken two baths back to back when I’m ready to spa day which is probably why I do it like once every two years but anyways.

1. That pussy clean Fill your tub with water. Get a ½ a cup of apple cider vinegar and dump that shit in there. Sit in there. It’s gonna get your pH right. Also, naturally wash your ass. This is a good time to shave your legs… 2. Bust out the coconut oil Smear it on your legs. On your armpits. Shave em. I don’t advise shaving your na na with it because to be honest I had a bad experience in college and yeah. We’re gonna need another post for the real deal. 3. Use a scrub If you like that Dead Sea shit from the mall go ahead and use it. If you’re a natural bitch like myself prepare a mixture of brown sugar and coconut oil. And of course vanilla extract because bitch, you are sweet. Run that scrub on your legs. Your armpits. Elbows. Knees. For you thick girls your thighs. 4. Drain the toxins From your tub. Drain your tub. Rinse it. If you don’t have time get in the shower and proceed normally. If you got all day and a banging album play that shit, watch House of Cards, watch Snapped and fill that tub back up. 5. Bath salts Not the kind that people from Florida seem to really enjoy. Lavender is my favorite scent. Fill your tub up with hot water and throw those scented bath silts in there, put in that bubble bath and wash yourself. Sing to yourself. Love yourself. Figuratively. Or not I mean if you’re a ho you’re a ho. Sit in there until the water is warm and get out. 5. Some of you hoes are expensive ones and you wanna smear La Mer all over your body and you can go ahead but the best lotion I’ve ever had – I’ve tried every French, Swiss, Dutch, lotion on the market para my mother – is four dollars. Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion. Back when I was a sad ho my feet were so dry the caught on my sheets girl. I bought this shit when my lotion ran out and I forgot how good it was. I’m telling you my feet went back to being as soft as when I was born. No pedicure. I swear by it.

Bonus tips: If you have that dry skin in your toenails, put baby oil on it daily. They will be no more. If you’re thick and you have dark skin on the inside of your thighs rub coconut oil on it daily. If your man ain’t shit rub coconut oil on him daily. Prosper my hoes. Prosper.

here is what sexism does. one day it’s catcalling, and you answer back because it’s not right and you want to fight back. and then the next day it’s a someome telling you to go make him a sandwitch. and for the hundreth time you explain to him all the reasons why the joke is inappropriate. and then the next day a guy at work tells you not to burden your pretty head with difficult issues, and you calmly and eloquently point out sexism to him. and then the next day the cab driver won’t stop asking you for your number. and you lie you have a boyfriend for the milionth time, because you know he won’t back off otherwise. and then the next day your boss mentions a promotion and ‘jokingly’ adds he hopes you’re not planning on having any babies any time soon. you exhale, count to ten, and smile, as you bite your tongue. 

and the next day… and that’s the thing there is ALWAYS a next day, and there is always another battle. and either, you give up, either you quiet down and accept that this is how things are and settle into life; or you give into anger, you stop explaining calmly, you stop smiling, you stop answering - and you start snapping, and yelling back at the catcallers, and calling your boss a sexist asshole. if you accept it - you will be criticized - as unfeminist. if you get angry - you will be criticized - as emotional, unstable, aggressive - too manly. this is what sexism does - it makes it impossible to win if you’re a girl, or a woman, it makes your entire existance an uphill battle. and truth be told, i am getting so fucking tired. i am 23, a quarter of my life behind me, and i am already tired of educating men twice my age about what is right and appropriate. i am tired of the stares that say i am over-reacting, the replies to calm down, the polite smiles that are meant to knock me down a few pegs. i am tired of explaining to men that sexism is not this one incident, it is my entire life, my every single day. i am 23 and i am so fucking exhausted. 

This place is so gorgeous I can’t get past it. //Alberta

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