xin-chin - Tumblr blog

xin-chin · 6 months

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Ha!

To think that there would come the day that I would miss you to the point of crying.

When you told me we couldn't be, something in me broke.

You broke something in me.

And yet here I am.

Craving your touch, your voice, your warmth.

Missing your hugs, your laughter, your lips on mine.

You left me behind like I'm nothing. Like our time meant nothing to you.

Am I the only one who remembers our walks, the kisses we shared, the nights that were ours?

Do you remember the countless nights I wore your jacket because I was cold?

Do you also think about me, when you look at the stars, seeing Cassiopeia amongst them?

Do you look back at our night at the beach?

Am I the only one going crazy with thoughts of what ifs and could have beens?

Do you even remember me?

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xin-chin · 8 months

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Knowing that you have no real purpose in life and realising the meaning of it are two very different things.

I knew since a long time ago that there is no purpose to me.

I won't achieve the unachievable.

I won't do something great.

I won't be someone great.

I won't be known around the world.

I won't be mentioned in the history.

I won't be someone important.

I won't be someone people know.

And that's okay.

I never dreamed big.

I never wanted much.

But realizing that your own life has so little meaning in the turning of the world is painful.

There is no real purpose of being, of living, of existing.

There is no real reason to be, to live, to exist.

And if there is no purpose or reason then why?

Why be, live, exist?

Why putting up with the pain, the sorrow, the emptiness?

Why seeing your life through the end when there is no reason to?

Why being in discomfort with yourself and the world?

Why pretending when there is nothing to pretend for?

What reason is there to be on this world, living this life, dreaming dreams that are not meant to be?

Realising that you mean nothing in the scheme of things, that the sole purpose of living is to let it end, the reason for everything is always out of your grasp, there but not to be understood, realising this hurts and brings emptiness.

The void in oneself, the feeling of feeling nothing, the hole and it's accompanying indifference towards everything.

The numbness towards the happenings around you, the apathy of everyday life, the carelessness for oneself.

Why suffering through all of it?

Why suffer for decades to come?

Why putting up with everything?

Why not just ending all of it?

Why not giving up on oneself?

Why not?

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xin-chin · 2 years

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I have people I would call my friends and yet we aren't friends. Not really, no.

We act like friends, we do what friends are supposed to do and yet we aren't friends. Not really, no.

I care a lot about them and I am sure they care about me too. Well once, some time ago, they surly did. Not anymore though.

We drifted apart, lost most of our connections and yet we still act as if we were still close friends. But we aren't, not anymore.

We laughed together, cried together, went trough shit together. But not anymore, no not anymore.

You are still in my reach, in my sight. Just one call away. And yet out of my grasp. Not close enough.

I feel like I got left behind, being discarded and put aside. Of no importance.

I connected you guys and yet I am the one you are throwing away. You are leaving me behind.

You are having the time of your lifes, but I am not included.

Am I that easy to be forgotten?

Am I that easy to be discarded?

Are you having more fun without me?

Is it that? You don't need me, don't want me and therefore it is easy to get rid of me?

Is my presence that bothersome? Are you better off without me?

We are still friends and yet I don't feel wanted.

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xin-chin · 2 years

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I love you like Icarus loved the sun and I burned myself because you are my light.

And I fell smiling and loving, engulfed in the feeling of your burning heat.

I love you like Icarus loved the sun and I drowned because I fell for your warmth.

And I selfishly thought you would only shine for me, blinded by your brightness.

I love you like Icarus loved the sun and I died because my wings couldn't carry my feelings.

And I close my eyes feeling no regret for wanting to be shined upon and embraced in your warmth.

I love you like Icarus loved the sun and I got closer because even if it was short, I felt love.

And I choose to be close to you, burning and falling, leading to my demise.

Because just like Icarus and the sun, you and I were never meant to be.

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xin-chin · 2 years

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So today is the day I figured out, that my brain is weird. It works weird and this makes things weird.

The way I think I understand my brain is, is that I generally know stuff and I get stuff, in my brain. But! When I need to explain this stuff or need to write it down or tell about it, I can't! I can't get to explain the knowledge in my brain. I know how stuff works, why stuff is like it is, what I need to do to get a reaction with and from stuff. Things like this, but I can't explain them out loud or write them down. I can't explain how this stuff works, why the stuff is like this, why the reaction with and from stuff is like this. I know but can't explain! Which is weird, because how do I know if I can't explain it? How do I know why something is like it is but don't know the explanation?

I've got this problem with science stuff. I know science but I can't explain science! I need to explain science to get good marks/grades in science. I know science, can't explain science and get bad marks/grades. Bruh!

And I shouldn't forget the similar problem with translations.

I read stuff in a different language and understand what it means, even though I don't know every single word of it. I just know because of context and similar sentences or because something else doesn't makes sense. But you can't ask me about a word to word translation, because I don't know the words. I can't even describe the meaning of words because my brain is all like "yeah, you can understand this sentence, you know what it means, but you don't know how. Have fun with that. Lol"

I want a new brain!!

Is there someone else who has this problem?

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xin-chin · 3 years

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It hurts to know that you are better off without me.

It hurts to know that I'm the reason you can't be fully happy.

It hurts to know it and that I can't do better because I don't know how.

I really want to try to do better but when I'm with you I can't.

I forget how to talk, to think...

When I see you I lose my mind and I want to tell you so much.

I want to tell you how much I appreciate you and that you leave a mess of feelings in me.

That I love to see you laughing, gosh your smile is gorgeous.

That you look so beautiful and stunning, that I can only stare.

That my heart skips a beat and I have butterflies in my stomach.

I want to tell you this and so much more but when I think about it no word leaves my mouth and I'm left with regrets.

I want you to be happy, because you deserve the world, but I'm not the right person for you.

You should give up on me.

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xin-chin · 3 years

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I was right.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

#heartbreak #but not really #loving you #loving #love #still depressed #dead inside #depression #back to the start #crying #but not actually #just empty #expected #i'm sorry

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xin-chin · 3 years

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I don't think I am the right person for you...

When I see you with other people I know that you don't belong to me...

I see you talking, laughing, having fun with them...

And then I remember how you are with me...

We don't really talk, I can't make you laugh and we don't do funny things together...

I see you being happy around them and then I see how you are being with me...

I want you to be happy, to talk, to laugh!

I want you to do your thing and I think you can't do that, when you are with me.

I will choose your happiness over my selfish desire to stay by your side.

I will choose your laugh over my selfish wish to be the one for you

I will choose your talking over my selfish need to have you with me.

I will choose you over myself because you make me happy.

I will choose you over myself because you make me laugh.

I will choose you over myself because you make me feel so much.

I will choose you over myself because you are the light in my darkness.

I will choose you over myself because you are the only one for me.

I will choose you over myself because you are important to me.

I will choose you over myself because you deserve to be happy.

I will choose you over myself because you deserve to laugh.

I will choose you over myself because you deserve someone better than me.

I will choose you over myself because you deserve the best.

I will choose you over myself because I know I can't be the person you want and need.

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xin-chin · 3 years

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I'm stupid for thinking I don't love you.

I mean what else would you call this feeling of suffocating and hurting when I think about the way we stopped talking?

What if not love do I feel when I think about you crying because I know that you want your distance?

If I don't love you why am I starting to hate myself again for letting us break apart?

What else but love because I feel empty and sad and broken and down and lifeless without you?

What if not love when I see you but can't talk to you because I don't what about?

If I don't love you why am I afraid of breaking us more and more to the point where we can't fix us?

Why does the thought about you hurts, because you are so damn near and so far away at the same time?

Why am I crying, because I don't know what to do anymore?

Why am I thinking about you and how it could have been?

Why does my heart ache seeing you talk and laugh with others but not with me?

Why if it isn't love?

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xin-chin · 3 years

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Why did we stop being us?

Why did you stop being you?

Why did I stop being me?

Why did we stop?

Why did we lost us?

I want to turn back the time.

I want to go back to the point where we were we.

I want to be by your side again.

I want...

I want to much right?

I am to much right?

I knew it...

I'm sorry but I care about you.

I'm sorry but I like you.

I'm sorry but I want to be with you.

I'm sorry but I want to stay with you.

Gosh I feel stupid for thinking so much, for assuming so much.

I don't even know what you think but I assume it is something bad about me.

I think and think and think and I can't stop because you make me go crazy.

I just want to know why and if I'm the reason for all of this.

I'm sorry...

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xin-chin · 4 years

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There are times I feel like I don't want to do anything.

There are times I feel like I don't want to exist anymore.

There are times I feel like I am the biggest burden.

I feel like shit, being worthless, hated by everyone.

I was happy and then I was nothing. It started as a great day and then one thought later it was the worst.

I feel like... I don't know anymore... I don't feel lika anything anymore.

At this point I don't want to live anymore but I don't want to die either. I just want stop existing.

I wish I was never there. I wish I could stop. I wish I could stop being me.

I don't know why and what to do.

I want to stop being me and start just being me at the same time.

I just feel so raw and vulnerable and weak and so fucking worthless. Like a burden.

I want to cry, scream, hurt.

I want to smile, laugh, start living.

I want too know what I want.

I want to understand.

But I can't because I don't know how.

I'm useless, worthless, a crybaby, an overthinker...

Can I just stop? I want to stop and start new.

I want a new chance. I want to do better, be better. I want to stop suffering. I want to smile and be happy, like so many people out in the world.

I want to chase my dreams, to have dreams and goals.

I want to know where I belong.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

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xin-chin · 4 years

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I don't count the times I was your friend, your listener, your shoulder to cry, your support, your help. When I was there for you, cared about your well-being, loved you, listened to your thoughts, cried with you, stayed with you. All the hours afterwards I thought, worried about you.

I don't care how many times you want me to be at your side, to what unholy hours and where ever you are. I will be there for you and I will care. Always. Forever.

I will do this because you are important to me, you are special and I care. You are precious and I love you.

You are part of my life, my world, my soul, my heart.

You are a person who has accepted me as a human being, as someone worth your time, as a friend. And all I can do is to pay you back for your support and love with mine.

I will forever be there for you at all times and even when our ways part you have a special place in my heart and I will never forget you.

You are my friend and when the times come that you don't want me around anymore I will respect it. I won't cling to you, won't bother you, won't force you to let me stay.

But I will never forget you or let you down when you need someone. I will always remember you and you will forever be part of my heart. You are important to me even when I stopped being it for you.

I just want you to know that I love you and I will always love you.

#friends #Love #loving #love my friends #Hope #trust #thank u #Being proud to be with you #being thankful #being there #Loving you #happiness #soulmate #caring

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xin-chin · 4 years

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Thank you for loving me. I don't know why me and what about me, but thank you. You are special to me but I'm scared to love you, because I can't love myself. I don't know what to do. You have a special place in my heart and I feel so much when I'm with you, but is it love? What is love? I want to give you back what you are giving me but how? Can you love someone without loving yourself? Can you love without understanding what love is? Can you love me even if I can't love you back? Will you stay by my side? Will you help me getting better? Are you sure I'm the right one? Are you sure that you can love me without knowing if I love you back? Can you love me? Do you love me? The real me? Or just the me I pretend to be? I'm a bad person. I'm a broken person. I'm killing me everyday a little bit more. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough for you! I know that and still... I want you. I want you by my side. I want to love you. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with you, for you. I want to be good enough. I want all that but I can't say it. I can't talk properly to you. I can't, because I don't know how. I don't know and it hurts. Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal? Why?

#loving #hurt #sad #night thinking #night thoughts #not happy #but happy #hating myself #hating life #thinking too much #alone in the dark #thank u #thank you #thankful #still depressed #depression #i wanna cry #want to give up #want to live

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xin-chin · 4 years

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I really need a hug...

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xin-chin · 4 years

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I want a friend. A friend who knows me. A friend who is there for me. A friend who loves me because I can't. A friend who understand that I feel miserable. A friend who holds me when I need it the most. A friend who doesn't leave even if I told him to do. A friend I can love, understand and hold. A friend I can laugh, cry and talk with. A friend who needs me because I need him. A friend I can try to be happy. A friend who will chase away my living nightmares. A friend I can trust and open up. I need someone but there isn't someone. I feel alone and I want that this feeling stop. I want to be happy, do stupid things and create beautiful memories with a friend. I want all this but maybe it is to much. Maybe it is not meant to be. Maybe I'm not worth it. Maybe no one wants to waste there time with something like me.

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xin-chin · 4 years

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I feel lonely. Everyone around me has someone. I hurt the people. I care about them but I hurt them and shut myself down. I just want to be alone, but at the same time I want someone. I want to be happy, to feel happy, to be with someone but something inside me is against it. Something doesn't want me to be happy. This Something that is myself.

#depression #still depressed #Sad #night thinking #night thoughts #just trash #Lonely #not happy #don't care #don't feel well #Myself against myself

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xin-chin · 4 years

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I want my depression back. I feel more alive with them. I felt something and now I'm just empty. I can't be happy because I'm not used to be happy.

#Depression #Hurt #Empty #Lost #Not happy #Still depressed

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