you were my home but i'll spend the rest of my years running away from people that remind me of you.

all those years and efforts wasted on the wrong person.

tell me how am i supposed to love the right person when my heart is full of rage?

the three words that i am holding back.

i mean them so much.

i wonder if we had spent the same afternoon reading the same book before we knew each other. the same sentences. the same feeling about the words.

the world is endless but at the same time, its not. i feel like i've known you in every lifetime.

we had a disappointing ending. i know it crushed you to pieces when i couldn't make you happy anymore. i wish i could have painted a smile on your face when we said goodbye. i know you wanted me to stop you when you chose to walk away but i didn't. i think its time we choose ourselves. you will always have a bittersweet spot in my heart.

getting hurt is a privilege.

you were given the ability to love.

Our timing was never right. God knows how many times we walked past each other knowing we both wanted the same thing. The exchange glances, the subtle touches and the words you poured out for me. I hope in another universe we are happy.

And together.

If I can't have you in this life, I hope you leave my heart alone. I hope my heart beats for someone else. Someone that will feel the same way about me.

we grieve the future we will never have. we grieve the memories we will never make. we grieve the person we will never marry. i know that i am making the right decision by leaving but that doesnt make the grief easier. i am at peace with my own company but that doesnt mean i dont miss the comfort of having someone by my side through the ups and downs of life.

i was fine before her. i will be fine after her.

my fear of "what if i will never find love again?" turns into "what if i will lose myself forever?"

they told me to let her go. all of my friends keep telling me to forget about her. they say it like its so easy and im just being stubborn. sure, its not a difficult task. its easy to be so busy that you have no time to think about her. its easy to turn your phone off so you wont think about her. its easy to change up your routine so you bump into her.

but what my friends dont know is the little memories we created together. they dont know about us talking until 3am when we had work that day. they dont know about how freezing it was when we decided to take a walk in the city at midnight. they dont know how happy you looked when i wrote you poems for the first time. your smile is not easy to forget.

its not easy to let go of someone who you once imagined the future with.

i am learning to love myself again. i am learning to be content with spending time alone. i am getting back to my hobbies and not neglecting my mental health. i enjoyed playing the guitar so im learning to play more songs. i enjoyed reading books so im unboxing the books i've bought but never touched. i enjoyed listening to music so i listened to old playlists that i created before you. i enjoyed going out so im getting closer with my friends like before. being with you cost me losing myself. i lost my identity and for a while i was just someone's girlfriend. when i looked in the mirror i viewed myself as "am i pretty enough?". i don't blame you for my insecurities but i need time to heal.

eye candy

easy to admire but hard to catch. easy to talk to but hard to intrigue. being around them is like ecstasy but painful when they are gone. you are bound to get addicted and they are always in demand. they make you feel special but they are for everyone.

bittersweet.

i found the cologne i wore the first time i met you. i havent used it since the last time we said goodbye. i went on with my life and this cologne stayed in my closet untouched. i wasnt hiding it on purpose, i simply forgot about it. just like how i forgot the way you once made me feel. ive forgotten your importance, our interactions and memories. i didnt realize this cologne had so much significance until i sprayed it on me out of boredom. but the smell took me back to when i was 16 and in love with a girl for the first time. the smell reminds me of how scared i was of people finding out about my real self. the smell reminds me of being young and spending everyday with my friends. so i sprayed more on my jacket to savour the moment longer.

break up

just because it is the right thing to do, doesnt mean it will be easy.

how am i supposed to let go of you when memories hold me back? how am i supposed to forget you when you made me want to keep living?

but how can i stay in this relationship when its killing both of us?