wanderlustwithalilo
Wanderlust with a LiLo & a Lucky Penny
Our Family adenture is begining....
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14th September 2021
As I walked back from the school run this morning, rain rolling off my hood and hitting my nose, hands clenching the sodden handles of the buggy, I felt an overwhelming sense of exhaustion.
Not from tiredness but from the pace of life I find myself in.
As life is increasingly getting back to ‘normal’ I morn the simplicity that lockdown gave us. I of course don’t miss the circumstances it was under but the notion of slowing down, peeling back the layers of commitments and just focusing on your own little bubble really worked for me. I’m not saying it was easy but in the same breath it wasn’t hard either.
We had no extra money, food was simple, we appreciated baking a cake as a treat. We utilized every inch of our house, explored every corner of our local area, and engaged in our community. We kept it simple, we all had too!
But today in the middle of the hustle and bustle of London life I want to blink and make it all stop, slow and be less chaotic.
I want my kids to be at home, and to not have so many options.
I love that we can see friends and family again but it also means our free time fills up quickly. I love shops being open but it also means I spend and want more. I love the kids being social again but it also means I juggle a busy diary.
I think in a weird way I appreciate that time I had in our bubble and now it’s about creating a good life balance of simple and busy. Remembering I can say no and to not run on empty so often.
Just to add I appreciate that this is my experience of lockdown and I am aware that many don’t share these thoughts during that hard time.
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31 December 2020
Always around the new year I feel compelled to write a blog.
A sum up of what the year has been and a nod to what I hope the new one will bring. This year is no different in the sense that words have been filling my head with almost a purpose to for-fill.
So I sit here on New Year’s Eve 2020 wondering how I really feel about the years that’s almost come to a close.
Surreal is the word that for me best describes 2020, when a pandemic spread across the world altering so much of our modern life, and still leaves us in a state of compromise. We don’t enter the new year shedding our Covid-19 skin but instead step forth with it still neatly buttoned up warming our tiring minds. Unsure of how, or if, it will ever leave us.
Although I feel I paint quite a glum picture on a personal level 2020 has also given me time. Time with my children, time with my husband and time as a family. These are things I’ll never regret, in fact I actually feel we were given a little gift.
While I’m immensely aware that for many this has been a terribly uneasy, devastating and emotionally draining time, I can only be truthful in how I feel.
There have been many moments, as I’m sure there are more to come, that I’ve felt sad, tired and overwhelmed. But only in equal portion to appreciation, acceptance and happiness.
In fact as much as this year has been extremely challenging I realise that I actually quite enjoy a challenge, a project, a bar to rise to. This is to say that I don’t always reach that bar or pass with flying colours but the process of trying gives me something to get me teeth into. Creativity is also something that I’ve found I’ve been able to indulge in more this last 9 months than ever before which for me is only ever a good thing.
Navigating change and boredom can alway be tricky and our head space is a massive factor on the outcome. I definitely haven’t been the model mum or wife at times and honestly some moments I would prefer to forget but that’s ok because I can recognise it, let go and focus on growth in the right direction.
So my hopes for 2021 are simple...
Good health for those I love
Acceptance on whatever it brings
More beautiful moments and memories with my family.
As I wave goodbye to 2020 I choose remember the fantastic summer, Lyme Regis, clovelly and the new forest, splashing in our pool (paddling pool in the garden) and singing karaoke in the kitchen. These moments have simply been perfect.
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11th November 2020
I think like many people my mood is very up and down at the moment. Some days full of energy, able to cast aside the current world predicaments, other moments thinking over the ‘what ifs’ and absorbing negative headlines like uv rays.
When I started really thinking about what aspects effect my thoughts and mood one really jumped out at me.
It was the sky.
I started really connecting that on grey cloudy days my energy was significantly lower than on days the I could see the sky, even just small highlights of blue peaking through is enough to shift a slum. However on days with full blue skies, wispy sporadic clouds and the sun doing what it does best, shining, my soul does exactly that, shine.
It’s not just sunny weather that lifts my spirits but I think for me seeing the sky is key. On the days of full grey, when the clouds group together like fans at a football match. I wonder if this links to me feeling claustrophobic. I have always opted for the outside seats in booths, never enjoyed taking the tube, and felt breathless at the thought of a room with no windows. I often associate the blanket of clouds with a lid closing on a box, closing the day in. Maybe subconsciously I link that feeling of claustrophobia and the sky lid together?
My absolute favourite sky is sunset, when the sun is slowing approaching the horizon, it’s glow radiating across the sky and it’s fire painting everything it touches with colour. This sky not only feeds my soul but talks to me, it reminds me of just how beautiful this planet can be and it makes me smile from the inside out. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve pulled over when I’ve been driving, changed direction when I’ve been walking or set up camp to watch the sky in all it’s glory. I’m fully aware as I write this that I’m probably verging on the total weirdo category but hey we all have our ‘thing’
So although I don’t think I suffer with sad
( seasonal affective disorder ) I do think the sky effects my energy and mood, not every day but some days. Now I’m aware of this I will make conscious efforts to boost my mindset in other ways. Creativity is a big one for me so maybe on grey days I craft!
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July 17th 2020
At the beginning of 2020 I had a little buzz of excitement in my tummy, things seemed to be flowing nicely. The family unit was more cohesive, mine and Robins roads where running along parallel routes happily and I had a course booked for a career shift that I felt suited me perfectly. Before I go any further, none of that has changed however the year, planet, universe had different plans for 2020.
When I first heard of coronavirus I ignorantly thought that it was a devastating situation that would only effect another country, even when there was talk of if spreading around the world I still had no comprehension of just how big and powerful the virus was. As the uk became more and more effected it seemed inevitable that schools would close, but again I had no idea for just how long. My two oldest children had stopped school a week earlier than the official lockdown as my son had a temperature and was unwell. A week later my youngest developed symptoms and then a week after that I too felt unwell. We self isolated for nearly 4 weeks, playing in our garden and exercising in our car park. In a way those early weeks where the easiest. Although the outside world seemed scary and the news reports devastating, within our little family unit we stuck together, got creative and utilised everything we had in the house. The simplicity of life made appreciating the little things so much easier. We (mainly I) had moments of disbelief and sadness but with the bizarre novelty of it all we lived the surreal groundhog days quite happily.
In those early days and weeks we searched out and used every inch of our house and garden, like many others sorting, clearing and completing diy projects. When we finally started to go for little walks outside our four walls, scavenging became our hook. Collecting discarded draws to make bug hotels, sticks upon sticks to make various pieces of art and a pallet which became a mud kitchen... these items have become some of my favourite things we own!
Thursdays at 8pm the ‘key workers clap’ gave us a chance to wave a friendly faces across the road and truly thank the individuals that worked so amazingly hard.
Although this does all sound like a walk in the park the reality wasn’t all roses. Home schooling was tough especially when we had no direction and even when more direction did come the challenges just shifted as a posed to dissolve. Also as much as we all love each other, we urned for some distraction, a different face, an excuse to not be in the same room. The kids missed their friends and simply messing about with peers. Zoom meetings quickly lost their novelty. Even cleaning a house with five people constantly in it was tipping me over the edge. However the little annoyances of living in lockdown would dissolve into insignificance when you heard the daily number of deaths or one families heartbreaking story.
The reality of Covid seemed overwhelming and I definitely had moments of real disbelief that this was actually happening and not a Hollywood film.
The first time we drove for a walk, once you where allowed to go a little further, I was amazed at how teary I felt. Looking at our community, shutters down on shops, boards over pub windows, the few people that where out, in masks and gloves, markings on pavements outside food shops and the eerie feeling that we where driving though the set of ‘28days later’. I didn’t recognise the streets that only a few weeks before seemed so normal.
We savoured our little walks and although we only did them once a week they kept us a going and gave us a small snippet of life before a pandemic.
As I lay in bed now (July 17th) lockdown still hasn’t fully lifted although restrictions have eased, we have been able to see friends and family. The kids have had PE and art lessons on the heath, our high streets are starting to resemble a pre lockdown picture and for me one of the most important eases, are the playgrounds have finally reopened. However with these adjustments comes increased pollution, busy roads again and a greater problem with mental health issues. For me the easing of lockdown has been harder, partly because it’s so confusing and partly because although your granted more freedom it still is restricted, it’s like a dog tied to a post, it can move around, eat and drink, even run in circles but once the rope gets too taught then that’s where the fun ends. I understand why we have these restrictions it just seems so unnatural to the way I’ve lived my life. We also live with the uneasy feeling that it could return at any point, crashing us back into full lockdown and killing thousands more, although at least we would have some experience with it.
There have been so many quotes flying around about 2020 being the year of change. There has been communities coming together, people uniting in helping the vulnerable and the world making major shifts in combating racism. Within four months this planet has seen a virus sweep across it reducing its population by hundreds of thousands and unfortunately another innocent man murdered because of his skin tone, protests on mass scale and communities making a stand. It has also felt the reduction of pollution and co2 emissions, it’s seen nature flourish and animals thrive. It’s felt the love of a lot of people join together in a powerful moment to create a positive change. 2020 has so far brought us a lot of surprises and will be written about in history books for years to come but with still another 5 months to go I’m intrigued to see what else it has in store for us.
For me Personally 2020 so far has given me the little nudge of the things that are important to me, some I’ve always known, others needed reawakening.
The journey continues.........
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28th April 2020
This is one of the most surreal times of my life. Living in Lockdown since 23rd March due to Coronavirus can only be described as if I’m living in a Hollywood movie, except it’s real.
Some days I manage to pass through the day giving this whole crazy situation the minimum about of thought. Other days I’m consumed by the enormousness of it all, reading every article and imagining every negative scenario.
I can thankfully say at the moment we haven’t directly been impacted by one of the heartbreaking number of deaths and I can only hope that all my loved ones stay safe.
The strange thing is, is that pre Covid our future has always been uncertain, but we lived with that knowledge everyday generally unaffected by the thought that our future is not promised. However now in this state of restriction and fear having this uncertain future has now become scary and hard to accept.
We have been lucky to live a relatively free life up until now, in a country that has food, running water, schools and homes. We have taken for granted our health system, our environment, our planet, our freedom. It’s humbling on some levels to strip it back and see what’s important to you, your family, your goals. I’ve definitely done a lot of self reflection.
Now I find myself in this slight ‘groundhog day’ life, battling with making each day count and simply going with the flow. It’s hard and some days are harder than others.
I am grateful and lucky that I get to spend my days with a man I love and my 3 amazing humans that all have a special place on this planet.
I am incredibly thankful to every person that’s making a positive difference right now, it restores my faith in human kindness. Some truly beautiful stories will be told about this time.
Whilst being fully aware of the seriousness of this ‘pandemic’ that we are living in, if I begin to think past today I loose my footing. So trying to remain present is my mantra. Love is my armour and trust, in that life is unfolding as it should be. These all helps me accept this invasion that side swiped our blissfully unaware lives we once lived.
I continue to hope that everyone I love remains healthy and happy and one day we find our new normal, whilst not forgetting the journey we took to get to it and the values we hold close to us.
Living during the Coronavirus is one crazy ride.
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23 February 2020
As I stepped into Euston station, Wednesday late afternoon, surrounded by hundreds of people, looking at watches, phones, pulling oversized bags. I wondered if any one could tell my heart was beating slightly faster and that there was a slight air of uneasiness in my steps? It was my first time leaving Penny and although I have been through this emotion before the older two there was something different this time.Instead of leaving for a little get away, girls time, some luxurious spa I was going to study, something I’ve not done in years.
The train was boring, highly frustrating and not the ideal start I had envisioned however I reached Cumbria, feet on the ground, bag in hand and ready to learn.
Thursday morning Veronika picked me up and we headed to her beautiful home surrounded by fields with tall pine gracefully swaying in the wind protecting the house and even as the rain fell down and the wind blew fast there was a feeling of peace and warmth walking through her door.
Over the course of two days ( which I know sounds like nothing) we spoke, Veronika taught, we ate and most importantly I challenged a part in me I didn’t even know I needed to face. I opened up to learning and to writing.... something I found so difficult as a child/ teenager/ young adult. But as I sat on nestled into a velvet purple sofa, crystals, flowers, plants and carefully selected ornaments of meaning and beautiful framing my space. I wrote, studied and loved every minute of it.Who knew the vocation of becoming a Celebrant would ignite such excitement in me. I genuinely feel a little buzz in my stomach.
I feel finding Veronika’s training, talking and learning from her and spending those two days absorbed in her life where not only magical but also just always meant to be, this was my path and I’m only glad I looked up to see the turning.
Back at home with all three kids arms wrapped around me I felt the love that feeds my body although being away from them was hard. I’m so proud I followed the little voice in my head.
I have a few weeks of dedicated study and instead of dreading it I’m embracing it with open arms.
38 is going to be a good year!
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February 16th 2020
I went to bed last night with a dull feeling of sadness. I clicked on my instagram just before I got into bed and saw the extremely sad news that Caroline Flack had committed suicide.
It was not that Caroline Flack was a great inspiration figure for me (although I did have a slight girl crush on her!) it was that she clearly was in such a dark and lonely place with a snow storm of negativity aimed at her through the media and social media that she felt unable to face another day.
Mental health is such a massive topic being given more light in the recent years yet it still seems that especially in social media people think that their cruel words don’t carry any weight.
I think part of the reason for me feeling so sad is that as Lincoln and Lois get closer to teen years I genuinely worry about how I navigate them through the world of online safety. The internet was in the early stages of 5 minute dial ups to log on with the computer making whirling noises at you whilst it did it when I was a teenager so social media was not a part of my young adult life.
I also worry about my children feeling alone and unable to reach out, or being the one to jump on a band wagon of been cruel to someone else without thinking about the ramifications of their actions.
It prompted me this morning to talk to my 10 year old about mental health, I’m not sure if he is too young but felt I want him to know it’s an open forum in our house, no shame or embarrassment if you do feel low or sad. We spoke about the fact that there are so many people out there fighting their own private battles and most importantly that you never know what is going on in someone else’s life so in Caroline’s own words... ‘in a world where you can be anything be KIND’
Lastly for anyone reading this I am always here with an open ear, no matter how busy, crazy or tired my life seems I will always make time for you. If you feel silly, ashamed or embarrassed I will never judge you. Mental health affects everyone in one way or another wether it is personally or someone very close to us.
You are not alone.
You are loved
I am here
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January 1st 2020
It’s the fist day of 2020, the new year has begun and as I scroll through My instagram feed so many people have done the begging of the decade photo vs the end of the decade photo and it got me reflecting on what my last 10 years have been like.
Ten years ago today I had a 3 month old beautiful boy... motherhood was still new to me and we where living with dad. Robin and myself where navigating our way though parenting and being our own little family. We got our first flat a one bed on Brecknock rd, we were so excited and my biggest memories from that flat where the absolutely amazing sunsets, Lincoln’s first birthday in the playground downstairs, Robins knee operation and hobbling around in a cast and getting home from work to find a dominos pizza box, a bottle of sticky toffee cider and Lincoln standing at the stair gate with a t-shirt on saying ‘will you marry dad?’
We where only there a year but a happy year it was... we then moved to our two bed in Cathcart (one bed with box room) a perfect size for us as a family of 3.... we got married, went on our honeymoon to Tanzania and Zanzibar and came back with Lois! Our beautiful girl was born in June and it was a hot summer I was in love with our family of 4, our home, and our fantastic neighbours who became great friends.
The years rolled by in Cathcart, kiddies growing, holidays to Biarritz to stay with James, Starting our Removal business ‘Vanitymoves’ parties in the garden, a cat, 4 kittens, Lincoln and then Lois starting school. In fact so many happy memories and so many milestones.
In 2015 my little gran passed away and with her passing she left myself and Aaron some money.
Whilst uming and arhhhing with different options Robin suggested we go around the world. Tickets booked and we where due to fly the beginning of October.
Sparing the details but just before we flew off on our amazing adventure everything in our world took a 180. We questioned everything, our trip, our past, our memories, our relationship.
It took a lot for us to get on that flight but we did and our time away was truly magical... we saw amazing sights, took the odd risk and lived outside our comfort zone. That time away will always be game changer for me... it eggnighted a buzz to see more of the world.
On return our life continued along an un inviting road for a while until we reached a crossroads. Happily we exited that bumpy ride.
Two weeks before Christmas 2017 I found out I was pregnant.... 2018 brought the hottest heatwave for years and another princess, Penny, we became a happy family of 5. Our love grew and our house became smaller!
We had outgrow Cathcart both in size and emotionally. My personal love affair with that house had ended, friends had moved away and we where on a new journey.... the universe listened and in early 2019 we moved to Courtauld... not our forever home but our perfect for right now home....
We ended the decade a family of 5, a 3 bed house, stamps in our passport and a realistic outlook on life that will hopefully see us through another decade of adventures. All in all I am a slightly greyer, more wrinkled, happy mother to now 3 amazing children who I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live my life with without, whilst trying to help them grow strong they have helped me grow strong. What a fantastic 10 years we’ve lived.
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7th December 2019
Third child in and I thought Breastfeeding would be the easy bit, I’d done it twice before and even been a breastfeeding support worker for a year. But in reality I struggled the most with a Penny. From the outset she was extremely tongue tied and subsequently struggled to gain weight, in all honestly the first three weeks where totally stressful and I felt like a failure as a women and a mum. Once Penny began to gain weight and the hormones of birth began to disperse I gained my confidence back and slowly but surly breastfeeding became that happy, loving and bonding experience that I had loved with my older two.
Fast forward 15 months later I am now in a mourning period. With mixed emotions but mainly leaning on the side of loss I have stopped breastfeeding. I’m not sure if it’s that I know she’ll be my last baby or that I loved that closeness we had or that I don’t want her to grow up but this time round I’ve felt so emotional about it.
The cutting down happened slowly, to allow her to sleep longer periods, to eat more at meals and mainly because she was ready. But the last feed I don’t even remember because I didn’t know it would be my last feed. In a busy house I simply forgot to feed her before her bath and she didn’t ask for it or seem to remember that’s what we did! I half debated feeding her right before bed but I knew in my heart it was me forcing it more than her wanting it.
I’m sure there is a school of thought that would have said, continue, feed her, she does want it, and maybe if someone was there in that moment I would have popped her on and told myself it’s all for her. But actually if I’m honest I think it would have been all for me and although I know that’s not a bad thing I also know that it probably wouldn’t have helped me in any way.
In life we have many losses, we mostly think of these as human deaths but there are many more that have equally merit in evoking emotions.
Over the last week I realise I have been mourning the loss of my breastfeeding journey. I feel sad I didn’t get that last goodbye, that it just ended and that’s it forever gone, that so much blood, sweat, tears and pure love has gone into feeding my three babies and now that part of my life, my role as mum, as provider has been rendered redundant. I’ve cried, laughed at myself crying and had moments of quite reflection. I have grieved
I’m forever grateful that breastfeeding worked out for me, that through perseverance I got though those early moments of despair and emotional lows. That I experienced that closeness and connection. I celebrate my own personal achievements and I wave goodbye to that chapter of my life.
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31st December 2018
Today is the last day of 2018 and as we went for a walk through some woods Lincoln and me discussed our favourite bits of 2018, the nicest thing was was that every memory we brought up all involved us as a family together. For Lincoln it was little get aways we had and days out, for me it was the same but also watching Lois I’m the choir and Lincoln do cross country. Of course one of the most favourites was Penny entering our lives. We all opened our hearts to her and the reward of love has been the best. 2018 will forever be the year we became a family of five and my heart felt complete.
It is moments like today, those little talks that might be forgotten in years to come but that mean so much to me and re enforce the importance of us as a family spending time together.... wanderlust is in our hearts.
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27th October 2018
Our beautiful baby girls is 10weeks old, when I say that it doesn’t seem like very long but she is a fully fledged Harrison member now and has definitely sprinkled a little extra love over all of us.
Our family of 5 is just a normal thing now and even though the juggle is there it is slowly become more of a professional clown juggle rather than a one handed blindfolded juggle it first felt like!
I’ve realised I do love the role of ‘mum’ and feel super lucky I get to fully embrace it. I’m forever learning in it and all three of my children daily teach me so much.
I think like most mums I’m very self critical and at the end of the day when I’m sitting in bed I often wish I’d said or done things differently. On the other hand I think about all 5 of us as individuals and feel super proud of who we are.
A random collection of thoughts today but want to remember how happy I am and that all five of us together are more than I could ask for #soppymummoment
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22nd August 2018
One week ago I got up, had a bath and walked into hospital to have my scheduled c section. At the time and still now a very surreal experience. One moment your pregnant the next your not and unlike the other two there was no work on my behalf beforehand.
Our beautiful Penny was born at 13.23 on Tuesday 14th of August.
Almost immediately all my concerns and apprehensions about being a mum of 3 disappeared and I knew instantly that she was supposed to be here... we all were destined to have Penny in our lives and for her to have us all in hers.
A week on and apart from the gruelling sleepless nights nothing has changed, we are still a happy loving family with now that little bit more love. The two older children are finding there footing in the new set up but I’m proud beyond words at their love and understanding.
Being a family of 5 is perfect.
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13th August 2018
Today is my final day of being pregnant and I’m 39 weeks exactly. Which I have to admit is a very strange feeling. With the past two pregnancy’s I went into spontaneous labour so never knew when would be my final day.
I slept terribly last night, feeling slightly anxious, nervous and overthinking every detail waking up this morning feeling very teary but for no specific reason.
I have one child jumping out of her skin with excitement to meet the baby tomorrow, the other a little reserved and wary of how the baby will change our well oiled family of 4 fort we’ve built. Both of these reactions are very in keeping with their individual personalities so I’m not concerned however just trying to support both their needs today.
I think I’m a mix of both my children, super excited to meet this jumping bean that I’ve protected, grown and nurtured over the past 9 months and also a little nervous of how our life will change and will I have enough arms, time and patience for my 3 very different children.
I think because I know today is my last day with the kids before the world of newborn chaos begins I feel a pressure to deliver, be a great mum and make the most of our time together. I do know in reality the kids are just happy keeping it simple and having fun.
Tonight we are going to go out for a meal, our last as a 4, a farewell to the square we currently make and a welcome to the pentagon that will soon become our norm.
Right off I go to get dressed and enjoy this last day of pregnancy.
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7th August 2018
I’m 38+1 weeks pregnant and exactly 1 week away from our planned c-section date.
I feel excited, nervous and impatient to meet our newest family member that will take us from a 4 to a 5!
Although I do love the feeling of being pregnant this pregnancy has definitely tested me more than I seem to remember my others. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older, there’s been a bigger gap or just the lottery of every pregnancy is different. There’s also the factor that this summer has been the hottest summer London has seen for years!!! ( I keep thinking I will definitely be one of those women saying ‘ I was heavily pregnant during the heatwave of 2018!) But some or all of these combined have contributed to exhaustion, swollen feet/ hands and feeling guilty on my two older children. Ive felt pressure to make their summer holiday fun, busy and not be the beached whale mum. I’m aware I’m over thinking and analysing the kids every mood to help prepare them for the change and really I should just let it be as it will be but it’s so hard to not want this transition to run smoothly and me being me try and plan and control it!
Ultimately I know that in one weeks time I will be holding a beautiful bubba that will complete our family, bring us love and happiness and only strengthen our glue we already have. Sometimes in life we can come unstuck but as long as we take each day at a time and support each other those roots stay strong.
Here’s to living in the present, starting new chapters and celebrating the amazingness that is life.
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16th May 2018
Things don’t happen to you, they happen for you.!
I read this recently and it made me think about my time, when I hit rock bottom and I questioned why? If only, I wish.....
I resented my life and everything and everyone that lead up to feeling so bad. I felt that I was a good person so why did I deserve to feel this way!
It’s taken me nearly a year and I think in all honesty I think it takes most people that time to be able to process all they’ve been through, feel less pain and life to have moved on. I have been inspired by friends, books and the drive to be happy, I choose happiness.
So back to things don’t happen to me bit.
I am starting to process that everything I went though has allowed me to re assess my life, purpose, direction and to truly be great full for all I do have.
I also realise that everyone has their story, and sometimes even just knowing that we all experience hard points in our life reminds us that we are not alone.
So when I think about my experience happened for me not too me, I accept that, honestly there are still some emotions I’m working on but I understand and most importantly believe in the process.
One truly amazing change that has occurred is we are blessed with another addition to our family. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with a little jumping bean the kids have nicknamed Bunchy. Experiencing pregnancy again after feeling so sure that I wouldn’t is such a gift in itself, I love being pregnant, I’m honoured to be growing a little human and I’m cherishing this experience. It’s made me want to me the strongest possible woman I can be, to teach my children the beauty of life and to live in the present.
We can’t change the past, we can’t predict the future but we can live in the present. Sometimes this needed to be a daily reminder but my goal is for it to always be my present state of mind!
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