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total-drama-takes · 5 months

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ttwt episode 6

“Last time, on Total Takes World Tour: our remaining players stopped by the charming Polish city of Krakow, but the only charms they got were pain, pain, and no game! Bonnie went a little AWOL when they decided to switch to a nocturnal lifestyle, but that still didn’t stop their team from using them as a personal love coach- again. Albert got some bad news, but it was Kelly who really took the cake for most pathetic episode ev-ah after their non-monogamous ex decided to return to monogamy.... for someone else. Ouch! What does this mean for Kelly? What will become of Team Mojo with their mojo gone? Find out now, on Total Takes World Tour!”

“And here we are fleeing from the Bulgarian police. Pricks,” Patrick says, shuffling his handful of photographs while his team peers over his shoulder.

“Aww,” they coo as Patrick flips to another Polaroid of Kitty being tasered. “And here we are getting caught by the Bulgarian police.”

“You guys are so cute,” Sha-Mod says. “How long have you been together?”

Patrick stacks the images and puts them in his blazer pocket. “We’re not. We’re more like… business partners,”

Albert and Michela make fleeting eye contact and then shrug. Across economy, Bonnie yawns and stretches, rubbing their eyes. Max turns to them. “How much did you get?’

“Enough,” Bonnie says, then sighs after Max continues staring. “Two hours.”

“How are we supposed to win with you on autopilot?” he snaps, then lowers his voice to a whisper. “You expect me to carry the team with THESE people?”

He gestures behind him to Kelly, Staci, and Phillip, the latter of which is staring intently at a cockroach on the wall and holding his temples.

Bonnie sighs. “Fine, I’ll get a coffee,”

---

“This has got to be the best season yet,” Ass sighs as a manicurist paints their nails. “If beating the other teams will be this easy, we might as well move in here permanently.”

“You’d think they have the numeral advantage, but we’re actually doing quite well. I’m impressed!” Courtney adds on. They stretch in their plush, first-class seat and sigh happily as the smell of breakfast wafts in the room.

Julia watches the interaction and rolls her eyes before sitting back and pulling a sleeping mask back on to catch a few more minutes of sleep She kicks back and Mal slinks into the seat next to her, pulling out an ink pad and stamping her thumb print to an index card.

“Mal!” Courtney shouts, pulling out a spray bottle and chasing her to the other side of the cabin.

“It’s for my charity auction!” she yells. “It’s for charity! Well- my charity! These fingerprints go for a lot of money in the Balkans!”

Courtney backs them into a corner and then sighs. Ass rolls their eyes. “Next time we lose, she’s out,”

“I can get behind that,” they take an exhausted seat next to them. “I found her collecting hair from the shower drain the other day.”

Ass shivers.

Chris’ voice squeals over the intercom, making everyone jump. “Good morning, passengers! If you’ll look out the right side of the plane, you’ll see our next destination- Australia!”

Courtney and Ass peer out their window over a vast expanse of green. “Are you sure we didn’t take a wrong turn again? End up in Austria?” Ass shouts.

“Nope. Welcome to the rainforest, mates! Now buckle in and gear up, our landing track is a little… um, crowded!”

Courtney looks back out the window to see an overgrown, crumbling landing pad. They sigh. “He’s so doing this on purpose,”

---

Economy class buckles in just in time- seconds after Bonnie figures out the seatbelts in their disoriented state, the entire cabin begins tossing around luggage, garbage, and miscellaneous rats like a salad.

The teens yelp and duck as clothes, books, and the occasional snack stash fly at their heads. A rat wearing a crucifix necklace latches onto Patrick’s shoulder.

Finally, after several minutes of bumping and bruising, the plane comes to a stop. Economy groans and stands shakily as Chris laughs like a maniac over the intercom.

Albert rubs a bump on his head and turns to his right. “Um, Patrick, don’t freak out, but-”

“Oh, please. I’m not a wussy fruitcake like the rest of you,” he says. “A little turbulence is nothing to a sigma like me. Man up.”

“Yeah, okay. You have a rat on your shoulder,”

Patrick turns to his shoulder. He goes pale and shrieks, standing up and shaking in circles, screaming “GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!” while everyone else watches. Michela rolls her eyes.

---

Patrick sits in the confessional in the fetal position, sobbing.

---

“Calm down! You’ll hurt him,” Albert says, scooping the rat off his shoulder. “He won’t bite.”

“What makes you so sure?” Max asks, raising an eyebrow.

Albert holds him away and glares a little. “He won’t have to defend himself if he has nothing to fear,”

---

ALBERT: "Max is... afraid of me. Interesting. Very, very interesting,"

---

Max rolls his eyes and drifts back over to Bonnie, helping them up to leave the plane. The rest of their team follows behind, then the Mojos.

Outside of the great metal bird, the teens immediately swallow in the muggy, humid air. Birds chirp, mysterious creatures squawk and the rat on Albert’s shoulder squeaks nervously and scampers back into the plane.

“Where are we?” Ass finally asks, hands on their hips and eyes lowered.

Chris, busy picking his teeth with his pinky finger, looks up. “Hm?”

“I said where are we?”

“Oh, yeah. Forgot we were doing that,” he chuckles. “Welcome to the Dandenong Mountains!”

“The what now?” Sha-Mod asks, squinting.

“Mountain range- well, more like hills and rainforest,”

Mal squeals. “OMG, in the original World Tour, the Amazons went to the Amazon forest, so does that mean that we’re going to the-”

“NO! There’s no Yaoi forest!” Chris snaps. He composes himself and smiles. “Today’s challenge is simple- you’ll be going on an itsy-bitsy safari for some of Australia’s finest- and deadliest!”

The teens shift uncomfortably and look between each other.

“But don't worry, due to local laws we can’t have you capture any of the wildlife. You’ll be getting these!” he says as Chef passes around slips of laminated paper. “Your cards for species bingo. The first time to reach the finish line with a bingo wins first class- and avoids elimination!”

A bird squawks off in the distance. Team Yaoi looks between each other nervously, as every Mojo turns to Albert expectedly.

“Ready? Go!”

The teens awkwardly amble off and begin moving through the brush. Team Friendship takes a leftwards path, Max in the lead while Bonnie stumbles behind him.

---

MAX: “Maybe voting off Scruffy was a mistake. At least they knew how to lead a team of morons,”

---

“Keep your eyes peeled. A lot of these are big, so it shouldn’t be too hard to spot things,” he instructs, handing the team card to Staci. “Don’t lose this.”

She salutes and tucks the sheet under her sweater. Kelly gives her a thumbs up.

“Y’know, I should be leading,” Phillip says, walking past Max. “I was in the boy scouts, but I had to drop out cause it wasn’t tough enough for a guy like me.”

He trips over a root and lands face-first in the dirt. Max steps over his limp body without a second thought and he sobs into the mulch.

---

“This place is so cool- like we’re in Jurassic Park!” Sha-Mod says, petting a fern leaf.

Albert passes by him, holding the bingo sheet. “Let’s hope not. And try not to touch anything you don’t recognize, the flora here isn’t known to be friendly,”

Sha-Mod quickly stands and hurries to catch up with the group. Patrick rolls his eyes. “Please. Afraid of a little plant?” he stops and stands over a shrub. “Oooh, I’m so scared.”

A spider crawls out of the brush and sits atop the plant. He immediately screams and stumbles backwards into Michela, barreling her over.

“Ow,” she grumbles, rubbing her shoulder while Patrick rocks back and forth on the ground.

Albert backtracks and holds out a hand, which she accepts with a smile. He smiles back.

---

ALBERT: “Okay, so, I lost my job. No big deal! I still have plenty to live for and now that I’ve been f-...f-f… fired- I can finally pursue them. I mean, I would've used the winnings to donate to the coalition, but when’s the last time I’ve taken a day off?” He smiles and his eye twitches.

---

Albert stops the group in a small clearing to show them the bingo card. “Most of these are pretty easy to find. The spider that scared Patrick looked like a funnel web,”

He huffs and crosses his arms. “You’re welcome,”

“A lot of these are birds, so just keep your heads up. If we had time and gear, we could set up a really nice bird-watching party, but… a hike is just as good a way to see wildlife as any,” he shrugs.

“You’ve done a lot of hiking, huh?” Michela asks, standing and brushing off her skirt.

Albert hums and looks down at the sheet. “My dad and I used to do a lot of camping and hiking,” he stands and begins leading the group again.

“Used to?” she asks, walking alongside him. He smiles sadly and shrugs. “Oh… sorry,”

After a brief moment of silence, Michela takes his hand and gives it a squeeze. Patrick rolls his eyes from behind them. “What a couple of fruitcakes, huh, buddy?” he chuckles. No response. “Um…”

Patrick stops and turns, prompting Michela and Albert to do the same.

“Sha-Mod?”

---

Sha-Mod walks through the thick jungle with swagger, taking wide strides and whistling to himself. He makes it some steps before suddenly colliding face-first into a tree- sending him tumbling backwards down a hill, into a creek, and then downstream.

---

“That’s not good,” Michela says.

Patrick smirks. “Relax, sweetheart. Chris never said we had to make it past the finish line with the whole team,”

Michela grits her teeth and steps on his foot. Patrick screams in pain and whimpers, scampering away.

---

“OMG you guys, there’s Yaoi on this list!” Mal squeals, holding the sheet to the sky.

“Give me that,” Ass snatches it back and reads it. “This says YOWIE, you dolt. There’s even a picture!”

“I thought that was just a bear. Someone isn’t well versed on their gay terminology!” she crosses her arms. “Besides, Yowies aren’t real.”

Julia rolls her eyes from behind the two. “But yaoi is?”

“Duh! We have gay rights for a reason!”

“Can you guys settle down?” Courtney asks, massaging their temples. “I have a really bad headache.” They turn around for a second and a massive spider crawls off their back. Julia and Ass go pale and make fleeting eye contact, then shake their heads. “Let’s just keep going,”

---

“Cockatoo,” Albert says, marking off another item on the bingo sheet. “We’ve got echidna, spider, and cockatoo, but… no Sha-Mod.”

“I hope he’s okay,” Michela says, somewhat nervously. “He wouldn’t leave us alone with… that thing, would he?”

Albert scoffs a little, slightly offended. “The cockatoo hasn’t done anything to you,”

“No. I meant the other thing,” she points to Patrick, who’s busy taunting the plants to hurt him. They both shiver, and then laugh.

---

ALBERT: "Michela is a good person. She doesn't care about what other people think about her, or losing her job and her very reason for existing! I could learn a thing or two. If only it was just us on the team,"

---

“Anything yet?” Bonnie yawns, stumbling over another overgrown root.

Max shakes his head and moves a branch out of the way for them as they walk ahead blindly. “We might be doing better if we were QUIET!” he shouts, turning to Kelly and Staci behind them, who quickly stop gossiping.

Max massages his temples. Phillip walks alongside him, covered in bug bites and dirt. “I had a dream that I could control animals with my mind once. I wrote a poem about it, do you want to hear?”

“NO!”

Bonnie yawns again and scratches their head. “Where are we, again?”

He groans.

---

MAX: “SOMETHING has to be done about this team. Bonnie’s been avoiding everyone because of their- whatever you’d call their thing with Caesar- Staci is too busy gabbing about girls and gossip to be of actual use, Kelly is only here for moral support, and Phillip is basically a pet,”

---

“Look, there!” Kelly says, pointing. Max stops dead in his tracks and looks in the direction they’re pointing. “A fruit fly!”

He slowly sits down on the forest floor, puts his head in his hands and rocks back and forth.

Bonnie walks over to Kelly and Staci, who are staring nervously. “You broke him,” they say before slumping over and falling asleep on Staci’s shoulder.

---

“Sha-Mod!” Michela shouts. “Sha-Mod!”

“Is it really such a wise idea to shout?” Patrick asks. “I mean- not for me. But you know, you might attract something dangerous for you.”

“There are no large terrestrial predators in Australia,” Albert says nonchalantly. “Anything in these rainforests that could kill you isn’t predatory towards people, and would only act in self-defense. So let’s try not to antagonize anything else, okay?”

Patrick rolls his eyes.

---

It’s dark.

The sound of bugs flying, mammals chittering, and birds crying out fills the empty air.

Slowly, Sha-Mod awakes. He groans and sits up, scratching his head with his back to the camera. “Owie,” he says.

Then, it’s bright. Too bright.

“Wait,” he grabs at his face. The feeling of warm flesh fills the void where smooth paper should be. Sha-Mod ducks to the ground and sees the mulchy, emulsified remains of Lighting crumbled in the dirt. “Oh, no. Oh no. This isn’t good.”

---

Julia presses ahead, swatting at the jungle growth with her arm while Ass, Mal, and Courtney follow behind them. It’s beginning to get dark, the sun setting off in the distance.

“Guys, I really don’t feel good,” Courtney mumbles. “My head is pounding, I think I have food poisoning or something.”

“Did you eat any of Chef’s scrambled eggs, cause those were definitely expired,” a voice from the brush says.

Team Mojo walks out of the undergrowth, converging with Team Yaoi. Michela walks over to Courtney and scans them over. “Cramping at all?"

They shake their head. “No cramping, I just feel sick,”

She turns back to Albert, who sighs and begrudgingly steps forward to inspect them. “What are your symptoms? You could’ve been bitten by something,”

Ass and Julia look between each other with wide eyes.

“Headache, and… I feel nauseous,” they say as Albert holds a hand to their head.

“Well, you’re not dead yet, so it can’t be that bad,” Patrick says. Courtney rolls their eyes.

“Do you remember handling any wildlife? Maybe you fell into a bush and startled something?”

“We went through some overgrowth earlier, but I’m sure it’s nothing,” Julia says. “We should really get going, thank you.” She grabs Courtney’s arm and pulls them away.

The cracking sound of thunder stops Team Yaoi in their steps and Julia grits her teeth as a sharp downpour begins to cover the forest. “You wouldn’t happen to know how to make a fire, would you?”

---

“You know, we really shouldn’t be doing this. It’s winter in the southern hemisphere, and-”

“SHH!” Ass hisses at Albert. “We are on a survival show. We. Are. Surviving!”

He grumbles to himself and sits next to Michela after she finishes lighting the fire. “I hope Sha-Mod is doing okay,”

“Hey, maybe Team Friendship found him,” she says, tossing the fire-starting sticks into the hearth. “Max would take care of him for us.”

Albert raises an eyebrow. “Would he?”

Julia studies the interaction cautiously as Ass hisses at Mal for getting too close.

Michela’s expression shifts at the speed of light, and she takes on a new, more annoyed look. “What does that mean?”

“I mean, I don’t know him, of course,” Albert says, raising his hands defensively. “But he seems kind of… mean.”

“You can say that again,” Julia mumbles, kicking a rock into the fire. Albert nods. “See?”

“Well, Julia deserves it,” Michela says. “But he’s not a mean person. Right?”

Patrick whistles passive-aggressively. Julia rolls her eyes and Courtney avoids eye contact entirely.

“He seems fine to me,” Ass says. “But that’s probably not a compliment coming from myself.”

“I like his yaoi ships!” Mal offers.

Michela stands. “Fine, if you’re all so sure, you can stay here on your high horses. I’m going to go find Sha-Mod,”

And then she storms off into the rain.

---

Staci finishes hammering together a makeshift wooden shelter with a hand-held rock and ducks under it, where Max is crouching in the dirt. Kelly is shivering, and Phillip is scribbling in his notebook. Bonnie is fast asleep on the ground.

“Well, this is delightful,” Max sighs. “Anyone else enjoying themselves? This is basically a cruise!”

“You don’t have to be so negative all the time,” Staci says, sitting down next to Phillip.

Max rolls his eyes and pulls his knees to his chest. “How long has Bonnie been out?”

“A few hours,” Kelly says, matter-of-factly. “On the bright side, we’ve got two animals on our bingo card now!”

He groans and puts his head in his hands. Staci sighs.

---

STACI: “Okay, admittedly, I haven’t been carrying this team like I know I could. My plan was more to fly under the radar like in Island, and then cruise to the final five. But… if we lose, Kelly might get voted out. They’re not exactly a class favorite right now,”

---

Bonnie suddenly yawns loudly and sits up, rubbing their eyes. “Mhmm… what time is it? Did we win?” they awake and turn from side to side. “Where are we?”

“The rainforest, sleeping beauty,” Max comments dully, flicking a lint ball off his blazer.

“What? But I have a match in like, fifteen minutes! If I miss a league tournament they’ll kick me off the team!”

Max glowers. “I don’t think that’s the team you should worry about being kicked off of now,”

Bonnie looks away.

---

BONNIE: “I don’t exactly have a good catalog of coping mechanisms. Avoidance is numero uno,”

---

Michela walks through the thick jungle, staring up ahead at the high canopy. The rain has begun to clear up, but it’s not any easier to navigate through the dark.

“Sha-Mod? Sha-Mod!” she shouts. “Come on, man!”

No response. She sighs, but trudges on. As she pushes through another overgrown fern, a rustling behind her makes her whirl around.

“Hey, it’s just me,” Albert says. “I couldn’t sleep knowing you were out here alone.”

She opens her mouth to retort and he quickly holds up a finger.

“Not that I think you’re incapable of taking care of yourself, this is just a rainforest at night. Not the safest place to be off-trail,” he says quickly. “I have full confidence in your skills. But I also wanted to apologize, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sure Max is… a nice person…”

“You don’t have to lie to me,” Michela snaps, walking ahead again. Albert trails after her. “Sha-Mod!”

“He just comes off as kind of rude! And you’re so open, and helpful to everyone…”

“Sha-Mod!”

“I guess I just don’t see it,”

“Sha-Mod, come on, man! Help me out here!”

“But…” Albert says, catching up to Michela and standing in front of her. She lowers her eyebrows at him. “I could believe that he’s nice to you, at least. You’re easy to be nice to.”

Michela looks away. “Thanks. I guess,”

“I won’t bring it up again, promise,”

The two make brief eye contact and then hug for a little bit too long. From the brush behind them, Julia squints.

---

JULIA: “Maybe Max isn’t a totally delusional control freak, after all. There is something going on between those two. But the question is, how can I get this to turn in my favor?”

---

Julia returns to the campfire and takes a seat. Courtney looks up. “Did you find any?”

“What?”

“Water?”

“Oh, yeah. Um, no,” Julia says, leaning back. “Guess you’ll just have to rough it.”

“Great work. Really top-notch survival skills,” Patrick says, trying and failing to carve a stick into a spear.

“As if you could do any better,”

“Oh, please. I bet you’re really regretting being dumped by me now, huh?” he chuckles, pointing his barely-formed spear at her. “I could do this in my sleep.”

“I broke up with YOU!”

He smirks and rolls his eyes. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, honey,”

Julia grits her teeth and sits between Ass and Mal, seething. Courtney chuckles lightly, looking pale and sickly. “Says the guy who got dumped here by his whole team,”

“Yeah, and not to mention your losing streak,” Ass rolls their eyes. “Really great ‘survival skills’, Bear Grylls.”

“And, for the record, it was Julia who broke up with you. It’s literally on my Patulia archive blog,” Mal nods. “Honestly, you should be so lucky you got to go out with her in the first place.”

“Yeah, what did you ever bring to the table?” Courtney asks. “Julia is smart, experienced, and a good leader.”

“We would never leave Julia behind with another team. And we hate her!” Ass says, jabbing a finger in his direction.

Patrick grumbles to himself and half-heartedly tosses his spear into the fire. Julia blinks.

---

Sha-Mod stumbles through the forest blindly. A large leaf has been tied around his face with a shoelace and, without proper eyeholes, he’s as blind as a bat.

After walking into the third tree along the trail, he sighs.

---

SHA-MOD: “Is this the universe punishing me for saying I needed time apart from Takes Three? I didn’t mean to get Joner voted out! I didn’t know I could do that with my mind!”

---

The rain picks up again and he sighs.

A few minutes behind him, Michela and Albert are walking alongside each other, shoulder-to-shoulder. “I hope he isn’t hurt,” the latter says, scanning the treeline as if Sha-Mod might be up there. “Hey- possum. That’s another one for the bingo.”

Albert pulls the sheet out of his windbreaker and checks off another box. Michela raises an eyebrow and he stares back. “Bad timing?”

“No, no. It’s okay. But I wouldn’t hate it if we lost, I mean… Patrick has gotta go,” she says. “He’s been dragging his heels this entire competition.”

“Agreed. He’s been giving you a hard time,” Albert says, clicking his pen. “Poor Sha-Mod, though…”

The faint sound of a ringing bell catches both of their attention and they turn to each other. "Now?" Michela sighs before clearing her throat. “We should’ve just kept our heads, we wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“I thought so too, but then we lost Sha-Mod in the rain-for-est!” Albert continues.

“Now if he goes missing-”

“-We definitely won’t be ‘winnin!”

“Oh, what would we do the-en?”

Sha-Mod stumbles through the foliage just yards ahead, coughing weakly. The faint, familiar dinging of the song bell sounds and he groans. He sighs:

“Lost here, woods are gonna make me boke,

Leaf in my face, get me outta this place!

Going solo was not what I anticipated, probably means I’m eliminated. Yeah, I’m out! Out, oooh, oooh, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

“Sha-Mod?” a voice comes from behind him.

Sha-Mod whirls around and runs through the forest towards the voice, stumbling over roots and logs before tumbling into a warm wash of light.

When he looks up from the dirt, he sees Team Friendship watching him. Phillip finally squeaks out a quiet: “What happened to you?”

“I-I made it! I’m back! I’m safe, all by myself!” he says, pumping his fist. “I survived alone! I can do anything!”

“Okay, that’s great. Where’s Team Mojo?” Max asks sharply.

Sha-Mod shrugs. “We got separated. I haven’t seen them since this morning,”

After a long, drawn out sigh, Max finally speaks. “Okay. We’ll find them in the morning,”

---

Team Yaoi (and Patrick) crowd around their dying fire, trying to shield it from the rain. A rustling from the bushes behind them turns everyone’s attention to the foliage.

“Did you guys hear that?” Courtney asks nervously, looking from side to side with wide eyes.

“It was probably just the wind,” Patrick says. “There are no large terrestrial predators in Australia. That’s something I knew all by myself. No one told me that.”

Julia rolls her eyes.

“Maybe it’s Yaoi!” Mal squeals, kicking her legs back and forth.

“A yowie,”

“I told you, yowies aren’t real, but yaoi is!”

The bushes rustle louder and everyone turns again. A large, ape-like creature jumps from the brush and roars. Everyone screams (especially Patrick) and takes off running into the forest.

The “yowie” giggles and takes off its mask, revealing a short teenager. Kitty unzips the suit and then runs back off into the forest.

---

Michela and Albert return to the campfire, wet and exhausted, and raise both their eyebrows at the sight of the abandoned embers and empty yowie suit.

“I don’t even wanna know,” Michela grumbles.

---

The sun rises over the mountains in the east, washing a new light over the damp earth. Bonnie yawns and stretches, looking much less pale and sickly than they had for the past few days.

Max follows after, then Staci and Kelly rise. “Hey- where’s Phillip?”

As if summoning him from Hell, he arrives with his shirt full of berries. “Look what I found! Valuable asset to the team, right?” Max rolls his eyes.

Through the fog behind him, Michela and Albert walk into the clearing. “And that’s a bingo,” the latter says, marking off kookaburra on their sheet. “Oh!”

Sha-Mod jumps up from where he’d been lying on the ground and throws himself into Michela’s arms. “IgotlostIwassoscaredneverleavemealoneeveragain!” he sobs rapidly.

“We found him in the woods like a puppy in a wet box on the side of the road,” Max sighs. “Then he ate all our food supplies and scared off our last chances of finding a bingo.”

Sha-Mod sobs loudly in Michela’s arms. “Geez, alright,” she says, then turns to Albert. “See? Told you.”

He smiles and shrugs, then turns away from her to roll his eyes.

Team Yaoi (and Patrick) come stumbling out of the fog next, all panting and exhausted. Once they’ve caught their breath, Ass whacks Mal upside the head.

“Sure, let’s make it a party,” Bonnie yawns, then turns to team Friendship. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

---

The three teams- now reunited- cross the finish line at the exit of the forest, where Chris and the plane are waiting. “Wow, what happened to you guys? You look terrible!” he chuckles.

The teens collectively glare at him.

“Well, anyway. Let’s see those bingo cards…” he walks between the groups. “Two for Team Friendship, a full five for Team Mojo, and…. Surprise! Nothing for Team Yaoi.”

The team groans and he grins. “Lucky for you, this is a non-elimination round!”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Bonnie grumbles. Team Yaoi weakly cheers. Ass holds out their hand for a high five from Courtney, who swings and misses, then falls over.

“Team Mojo, you’ll be enjoying first class,” he says, walking back in front of the groups. “The rest of you will enjoy gruel and grime in economy. See you there!”

Team Friendship groans. “Don’t look so glum, guys. At least I have these!” Phillip says, popping a small black berry in his mouth.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t eat those if I were you,” Albert says. “Those look like nightshades.”

“So?”

“They’re poisonous,”

Phillip goes pale and spits out the berry, scraping off his tongue and whimpering.

"Some boy scout," Max mutters.

---

The plane jostles a little, shaking economy. Courtney snores through the turbulence, hanging limply in their seatbelt. Ass mumbles a brief “ew” as Mal drools on her phone, and they scooch closer to Julia, who’s staring ahead intently.

Bonnie is fast asleep, back to a normal human sleep schedule after their soiree in the jungle broke their bad habit. Kelly and Staci are leaning on each other, snoring, and Phillip is mumbling to himself.

Max, balancing his head in his palms, blinks slowly, staring ahead out the window into the dark. After a few moments of silence, Julia unbuckles herself and crosses the great expanse from one side of the cabin to the other while the plane shakes.

She takes a seat next to Max and he sighs dramatically. “What is it now?”

“Calm down, I just wanted to talk,”

“I’m not falling for that again,”

“I’ll make it short,” she smiles. “You weren’t with Team Mojo last night, after all. If I were you… I’d keep a close eye on Albert.”

Max blinks and looks pale. And with that, she walks back to the other side of the cabin.

---

JULIA: “No, Michela and I aren’t enemies- but we aren’t allies, either. That makes her fair game. I want Patrick gone, and if that means I have to pick off the only player that’s keeping that team together- so be it,”

---

#MY FACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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total-drama-takes · 6 months

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celebrity manhunt

Inside a small studio, a large desk wraps around two seats, an orange striped background and TV monitor decorating the set behind them. In one seat, a tight-faced, full-lipped gentleman with stark black hair holds a bouquet of cue cards. Next to him, a tight-faced redhead in a blue dress is holding a clearly empty mug.

“It’s a beautiful night here in Toronto, perfect temperature for the TV event of the season- that’s right, everyone- it’s time for the Gemmy’s!”

The gentleman fixes his bowtie. “We’re reporting live, just a block away from the action- it’s your faves, Josh-”

“And Blaineley!” the ginger cuts in. “Welcome to a very special episode of Celebrity Manhunt! Tonight is the night, folks- it’s time for gossip, cheer, and chatter about this year’s nominees!”

“Who will be taking home the gold? Stay tuned to find out!”

“Josh, that was my line,” Blaineley hisses. He rolls his eyes.

“In only half an hour, our field reporters will be walking the red carpet with this season’s celebrity stars- until then, let’s catch up with the juiciest gossip from the past year,” Josh grins. “With a special focus on our personal faves, and the audience choice’s- the Total Takes Island cast!”

“Those teens braved it all on the newly-resurfaced Wawanakwa island, competing in death-defying challenges and looking fly while doing it!” Blaineley squeals. “Just to come back for another season of screams, screams, and crazy teens on the set of Total Takes Action!”

“Those are some brave contract holders, especially after watching what happened to the other casts,” John winks. “And like our blasts from the past, these teens have scored a nomination in the category for Best Reality Ensemble.”

“Let’s cross our fingers for them this time, Josh,” Blaineley chuckles. Her smile seems forced. “But before then, let’s catch our audience up to speed with everything that’s happened since Total Takes Action closed its doors- or should I say, gates?”

"Sure thing, Blain- from breakups to makeups to arrest records and more, our stars have had a lot going on for them!" Josh grins. "O has been living the high life back home, but not before starting an advocacy group for those who were negatively affected by the psychiatric healthcare system. Peter was spotted giving a promise ring to his girlfriend, Lois- still going strong! And Kitty's been banned from at least eight national parks in the United States so far,"

"Speaking of spectacles, let’s talk about Alistair’s award-winning performance as Disco Horatio in the viral Broadway musical 70’s Hamlet, a pop-infused retelling of the classic play,”

“Alistair’s performance was so good that he even found himself a brand new fanbase of Hamlet-crazed fangirls- some of which have been taking things a little too far,”

An image of Alistair’s character in a Miku binder fixes itself on screen. It's been autographed.

“Yikes- but hey, if he's owning it, then more power to him! Next up, we're talking about the pop sensation band that’s been on everyone’s minds- that’s right, guys, we’re talking the Takes Three trio!”

Blaineley grins as a sequence of images of McLovin, Sha-Mod, and Joner starts overlaying the screen. “Our Total Takes faves shocked the world when they released their first album, Boi Tearz, to widespread critical acclaim,”

“The rap-swing-darkwave fusion has been called “surprisingly tolerable” by critics, leading the Takes Three to their own claim to fame outside of reality TV. Make sure to stay tuned, because we'll have them right here after the break!”

---

The Celebrity Manhunt logo flashes across screen and then fades as the studio comes into focus. McLovin, Sha-Mod, and Joner are all sitting beside each other at the end of the table, wearing matching outfits.

"Takes Three- you've been called international pop sensations by at least six Twitter users. How do you respond?"

"We're just grateful for our fans," Joner says, shrugging. "Making music for the world to enjoy is a rite of passage where I'm from."

Blaineley blinks. "The Midwest?"

"Yeah, it's been crazy. We've been signing all kinds of notepads!" Sha-Mod nods. "Big ones, little ones, ones shaped like circles..."

"I didn't even know you could make circle paper," McLovin shakes his head. "Our tour has been world-changing."

"Eye-opening," Sha-Mod agrees. "And to thank you for inviting us on the show, we wrote a song for you. Ready, guys?"

All three reach under their chairs and pull out three sets of bongos. They look between each other.

"I though I was bringing the bongos," McLovin says.

"No, you were bringing the synthesizer. I was bringing the bongos!" Joner responds.

"I thought you were taking the triangle!"

Blaineley and Josh look at each other, then back to the trio.

“So, boys, how has skyrocketing to commercial and financial success affected your bonds on a scale from “a lot” to “IMPOSSIBLE to ignore!”?” Blaineley asks, grinning widely. The three stop bickering and immediately turn to her.

“You know, we’re actually closer than ever,” McLovin states, matter-of-factly. “Our music is a really hands-on creative process.”

“Yeah, can’t have rap-swing-darkwave without the swing!” Sha-Mod smiles, setting down the bongos. "Or the rap- or the darkwave!"

Joner nods. “It's been chill. Our new album-”

“BORING!” Blaineley shouts, pulling a lever behind her. The floor under the three musicians disappears and they scream as they disappear. "All I heard there was "blah blah blah" let's get to the real juicy gossip, shall we? It looks like it’s finally splitsville for Patjulia.”

Josh chuckles. “Oh, yes, after months of vicious dating, our sources indicate that those villains-to-be have finally called it quits- and publicly, at that. Our undercover reporters came across this juicy little tidbit. Roll the tape!”

---

The monitor fizzles to life and focuses on the inside of a restaurant that looks like a tornado went through it. A chair flies across the screen and the camera whirls around to one side of the room, where Julia is screaming and throwing furniture.

“I should’ve NEVER even TALKED to you!”

The camera pans around to the other side of the room, where Patrick throws a handful of spaghetti back. “You should be HONORED I gave you the time of the day!”

“Your hair looks like a dead rat got glued to your head!”

“That’s rich, coming from a fake blonde!”

“IT’S NOT FAKE! We are so over!”

“You’re not breaking up with me! I’m breaking up with you!”

Julia throws a table and it sends Patrick flying across the room and straight out the back wall, creating a him-shaped hole in the plaster. He screams one final "YAHHH OH HOO HOOEY!!" as he goes flying.

---

“Yikes,” Josh chuckles. “That’s gonna leave a mark!”

“Where’s Scruffy during all this, you may ask? Well, they’re busy interning for Sierra of Reality, Weekly!” Blaineley announces.

An image of Scruffy wearing a pair of sunglasses and an earpiece, walking beside a woman with dark brown hair in her 30s flashes across the screen.

"What an upgrade from Total Takes, wouldn't you say?"

"Oh absolutely- especially after Wawanakwagate,"

Blaineley nods. "But, speaking of relationships- Bonsar- to date or not to date?”

Josh grins. “That IS the question! The two best friends were seen holding hands downtown, sending fans WILD! In a recent press statement, Caesar did little to calm the masses,”

---

The monitor changes scenes to a press conference. Standing before a crowd of reporters and microphones, Caesar adjusts his bow tie and clears his throat while Bonnie is sitting on the stage, playing on their Switch.

“I just want to restate that Bonnie and I are under no obligation to explain anything to the press,”

A reporter waves his hand. “So are you dating or not?”

Caesar smacks his forehead.

---

"Looks like trouble in paradise to me, Blain!"

"You said it, Josh! You know who's been sailing on smooth seas lately, though? Maxchela!"

"OMG, totally! Fans are still swooning over Max and Michela after they were named Reality couple of the year by Reality, Weekly,"

“Unfortunately, we here at Celebrity Manhunt were unable to reach the two for comment. Luckily, our star reporter under the pseudonym “Noco”, was able to get the inside scoop!” Blaineley smiles.

The camera pans over to Noco, who’s half-shadowed to protect his identity. He clears his throat. “I just want to say, first of all, that my findings have reliable and true evidence behind them,”

He stands and pulls a poster down behind him- revealing a screen covered in images of Max and Julia with strings between them. “Let’s say, hypothetically, that Maxchela was staged,”

The light above him suddenly flickers on. He sighs.

“OOOKAY THEN!” Blaineley says, redirecting the camera back over to her. “More on that later! In the meantime, we have a very special guest joining us today- one you Canadian viewers at home might recognize right away as the household name of the month!"

Josh grins. “When Chris McLean’s arrest became an international media sensation, sparking thousands of internet “memes” after his mugshot went viral, there was one name to take the claim to fame,”

“Toronto Environmental Coalition’s own leader, Albert, led an independent investigation of Wawanakwa after former contestant Scary came forward with a case- but it was him who found evidence of illegal radioactive materials on the island,” Blaineley continues, images of the investigation flashing across the screen. "The case brought international attention to the Coalition, and to Albert himself."

“The scandal broke the Wawanakwa mystery wide open. Here with us today is Canada's sweetheart, Albert,”

The camera zooms out and reveals a third person at the table. Albert- a teenage boy with dark brown hair, wearing a gray windbreaker- adjusts his lav mic and then smiles awkwardly.

“So, Albert- since your case went viral, you’ve been called a top-notch advocate, a genius, even a national hero. How does it feel to be getting all this attention?”

He thinks for a moment. “Um… well, I suppose at the end of the day the only thing that matters is the coalition, and the attention has drawn in a lot of donations!”

“Yeah, whatever,” Blaineley chuckles. “You’re the star of an international scandal- you’re a hero! How does it feel?”

“Uh… fine. I guess. What I’d really prefer talking about is the monthly agenda for the TEC, we’re planning on hosting a protest at a meat processing plant in-”

Josh clears his throat. “Our sources indicate that you and Scary were an item at one point. Is this true?”

Albert goes pale. “I- um, no comment, thank you,” he then leans in to whisper. “I thought we were going to be talking about the coalition.”

“On this show? No chance!” Blaineley shouts, startling him and sending him flying backwards. “Celebrity Manhunt is about the drama, drama, drama!”

Albert cringes. “Is there anything else we can talk about, then?”

"We can talk about the juicy, juicy drama happening on the red carpet right now," Blaineley chuckles. "Looks like the first of the cast has arrived to the Poultry Pals sponsored Gemmy's!"

Albert holds up a finger. "Um- what was that last part? The sponsor?"

Josh leans in, his palm against his face. He whispers. "Since ratings have gone down, award shows have corporate sponsors now. Turns out the meat industry is bananas for awards!"

"That's- that's the business I'm supposed to be protesting," Albert stands. "I have to go!"

He runs out of the room, and Blaineley rolls her eyes. "Guess we know why Chris McLean was acquitted and found innocent, huh?"

Josh chuckles. "That we do, Blain. That we do. But let's talk about these red carpet looks, cause honey these contestants are serving!"

---

The red carpet outside the Gemmy's is surrounded by shouting fans and photographers. O waves as he walks inside the building, followed shortly by Alistair, then McLovin, both so preoccupied with waving to the crowd that they crash into each other.

Another limo pulls up on the scene and Peter steps out with a short ginger. She shows off her promise ring to the paparazzi and giggles.

Peter and Alistair fistbump as they reach the door.

"Aw, how sweet. Friends forever!" Blaineley's voice overlays the scene.

"It's nice to see those teens getting along," Josh adds. "Ope- and there's Scary, just released from the lead prison she was stuck in from radioactivity!"

Scary arrives next, her hair dyed a warm honey brown. She makes a show of coughing and wheezing as he exits his limo in a wheelchair, then rolls up the carpet.

"My, my, aren't they looking just proper?" Blaineley tsks. "I love that shade of brown on her!"

A photographer gets too close with his camera and Scary stands, beating him over the head with her wheelchair, before sitting back down in it and rolling indoors.

"What a stellar start to the most anticipated award season EV-AR!" Josh squeals. "Let's check in with Noco on the field."

---

“Reporting live from… wherever I am,” Noco says, squinting. He’s holding a microphone and looking around, slightly annoyed. The cast looks relatively tame, most just merrily chatting with each other. “Here's, uh, I don't know. Austin or whatever. Hey, Austin, you and Kelly get back together?"

"No, baby, I've been single and free! To hell with monogamy!" Austin shouts, flipping on a pair on sunglasses, tearing off his shirt and running off screaming.

Noco stares into the camera. “Now can I do my Maxulia bit?”

“Um. No,” Blaineley says, still in the studio. “What is UP with these drama-less hacks?! Someone get Ass and Courtney here, pronto!”

Noco rolls his eyes and walks down the carpet, approaching Courtney, who’s catching up with Bonnie. “Comment?” Noco asks.

“Hm?” Courtney turns, then blinks. “Um, comment on what?”

“Ass,”

“Ugh. None, thank you!”

“I heard that!” Ass shouts from across the carpet. Courtney rolls their eyes.

Staci and Mal walk down the carpet next to each other, arguing about welding. Noco sighs. “Now can I-”

“NO!” Blaineley and Josh yell in unison.

Michela, walking alongside Max, stops suddenly and puts her hands on her hips. “Does this venue feel a little empty to anyone else?”

The camera zooms out- the group is on a carpet, but there's no reporters, no photographers, no fans to be seen.

“No, I see what you mean. I was thinking there’d be more… I don’t know, people,” Max says, then sighs.

“Did we get the right address?” Scruffy asks. “I mean, we’re all here, so we got sent the same e-vite, right?”

Mal pulls out her phone and reads intently. “Yep. This is the place,”

Another limo pulls up and Julia and Patrick stumble out, shouting at each other and having a slap-fight.

Joner and Sha-Mod look between each other. "Hey," the latter says. "Did we lose McLovin?"

Kelly walks up to the two and puts their hand right above their eyes, shielding their vision from the fluorescent lighting. "I don't see him,"

"Who else are we missing?" Michela asks. But before anyone can do a head count, a voice rings out from the distance.

"WAIT! WAIT! DON'T GO IN YET!" it shouts. The crowd turns in the direction it's coming from and Albert runs up, then collapses on the carpet, wheezing. "Don't go in..." he coughs. "Protest..."

"What's this supposed to be?" Ass asks, putting their hands on their hips.

Albert takes a moment to compose himself, then stands. He dusts off his windbreaker and pants, then pulls a small card out of his pocket. It reads "TEC Charter: LEADER".

"My name is Albert, and I am condemning this award show on behalf of the Toronto Environmental Coalition!"

"What award show, Einstein?" Ass snaps. "There's nothing out here!"

Albert looks around. Nothing but crickets. "Oh,"

Bonnie sighs and walks past him, approaching the doors of the supposed venue. “Let me guess-” they open one and the entire front of the building collapses. "Yep. Thought as much,"

“It’s CARDBOARD?!” Caesar shouts. “My hair took FOUR HOURS to do!”

“This has got to be some kind of Chris thing,” Staci says, crossing her arms. “Maybe it’s a scavenger hunt.”

“Oh, no, no way. I am not playing these little games again,” Ass says. “I’m going home.”

“Hey, everyone, we're still missing people,” Kelly says.

Austin pops out of nowhere. “Yeah, baby, where’s the rest of the party at?”

Courtney does a quick headcount, then thinks for a moment. "I don't see O, Scary, Kitty, McLovin, Alistair, or Peter,"

"Kitty's in an Australian prison," Patrick says nonchalantly. Everyone turns to him. "What?"

"Never mind that. We need to figure out what's going on," Michela says, hands on her hips again.

Mal chuckles from across the carpet. "Guys, you should see this,"

The crowd hesitantly approaches her, peering over her shoulder to see a live broadcast of the Gemmy's on her phone.

"And the award for Best Reality Ensemble goes to... the teens of Total Takes!" the announcer shouts.

Peter, O, McLovin, and Alistair look nervously around their seats, as if trying to catch a glimpse of where everyone else disappeared to.

"Oh, crap," Julia sighs. "We got sent the wrong damn address."

"Are you guys watching the Gemmy's?" a voice from ahead pipes up. The crowd diverts their attention from Mal's phone to see a scrawny boy standing on the street in front of them, drinking a slurpee loudly. "Cause it's a total hack. It's rigged by the woke police."

"Who are you?" Ass asks, crossing their arms.

"I'm Phillip, but you can call me Alejandro," he says confidently. "I was just out training, to fight SJWs. You know how it is."

He does a few karate punches. No one seems very impressed.

"Do you know where the Gemmy's are?" Courtney chimes in.

"Oh, yeah. They're way across town. They're wrapping up soon, anyway, you shouldn't bother with them. Everything comes to an end, after all,"

"Ooookay," Michela says. Max rolls his eyes.

"Do you guys ever think about how red slurpees make your mouth look like you've been drinking blood... heh... just me, then... I have a twisted mind,"

"Am I dead?" Ass turns to Courtney. "Did I die and go to hell?"

"Enough whining. I'm going home," Bonnie snaps.

"NOT so fast!" A voice shouts. The sound of a helicopter hanging overhead makes everyone jump and turn skywards. Chris McLean pilots the aircraft, making a smooth landing in front of the teens (but not before sending Phillip and Austin flying in the wind).

The disgraced host steps out of his helicopter, grinning. "You teens have a contract to uphold!"

"What is going on?" Caesar demands. "This wasn't in my contract!"

"Oh, right. You're "exempt" because of your "lawsuit"," Chris air quotes, rolling his eyes. "Bonnie, on the other hand..."

Caesar pales. Bonnie chimes in. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about a brand-spanking-new season of Total Takes- that's right- we're doing TOTAL TAKES: WORLD TOUR!"

No one makes any noise besides Scruffy, who squeals in delight.

"Thank you. Glad to see someone's excited,"

"Okay, let me get this straight," Julia starts. "You lie to us about the Gemmy's location, drag us to the middle of nowhere in Toronto, make us hang out with these freaks-" she gestures to Albert and Phillip. "And Now you're saying we have to do ANOTHER SEASON?"

"Man, you guys need better lawyers," Chris chuckles. "You have a long, long few weeks coming for ya."

The teens look between each other nervously.

"And not only you- as your contract dictates, any and all at the time of casting are required to join- that means you," Chris points to Albert. "And you," he points to Phillip, plastered against a nearby wall.

"You cannot be serious," Ass says. "I want to talk to your lawyers!"

"No can do, buddy. This is set in stone. See you all soon!"

He chuckles as he gets back into his helicopter and starts off, leaving the cast abandoned. They look at each other one last time before the screen fades to black.

#OOOUUUUUUUUU

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