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too-many-petals · 2 years
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Get up...dress up...show up. If you can.
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too-many-petals · 2 years
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6.26.22 - continued
Omg. Working out was rough today. My run and arm work out went decently, but my two fitness classes I also went to killed me. I should have stopped after the first one because I couldn’t even half-ass the second one.
I think this would have all certainly made me tired, but I think it killed me because I haven’t worked out in two weeks and I wasn’t adequately nourished/fueled for all the work I put in. But I’m back to it, and that’s what matters.
I’ve decided on a goal for July. I want to focus less on weight and more on my body fat percentage, so I want to get my percentage to 31%.
I haven’t weighed myself in 8 days. I don’t want to have another mental breakdown from the number definitely going up since I didn’t workout all week. I’m going to weight myself again on July 1. I’ll see what percentage is then and have an idea of how difficult this is going to be.
Meal plan for this week:
🍫 Breakfast: Chocolate Peanut Butter Overnight Oats
🥢 Lunch: Soba Noodles with Purple Cabbage, Bok Choy, and Green Onion in a Simple Sauce
🍗 Dinner: Chicken Cordon Bleu
🥤 Post-Workout: Chocolate Protein Shake
I’m feeling some tension in my body that these meals are too many calories, but I’m reminding myself that’s the point. I want to enrich my meals with healthy grains and carbs so I do less snacking between meals and/or binging.
xx
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too-many-petals · 2 years
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6.26.22
Oof. Okay. I didn’t workout at all this past week. It was horrifically hot, and I had some appointments at that conflicted with my fitness classes. I’m telling myself not to feel too bad; life happens, ya know? I’m going to dive back in today.
One of my conflicts was so started a 6-week healthy weight class. I thought I’d check out the first one and decide if it was really worth missing one of my fitness classes. I actually did enjoy it.
One of my big takeaways was about goals. I’ve always told myself my goal is health, but I learned in the class than an option is peace. That’s… that’s what I want.
I don’t want to always be wondering if my body looks attractive or disgusting, it’s okay for me to indulge when I eat out with friends, I’ll look gross in the group photo, I’m allowed to have pasta, I’ll fit into an article of clothing I love, and so much more.
I view my body as a barrier between myself and the life I want. Health is important, but what I really want is peace.
I have some reading I need to do for the class. I don’t know if I’ll actually get to it since it’s not required. I’m definitely still going to keep attending.
Regarding last weeks meal prep:
🍫 Breakfast: I definitely need to up the portion overall, and I need to add more peanut butter.
🥗 Lunch: I hoped adding chicken to my salad would make it more filling, but it didn’t. It tasted great but wasn’t completely satisfying. I think I’m going to take the L on having salads for lunch. I can make them much bigger at home in my salad bowl than what I can pack for lunch at work.
🌶 Dinner: I’d been really excited for this one, but I was disappointed. The sauce turned watery. It still tasted fine, but the texture/consistency didn’t spark joy and made me not enthused about sticking with it. I frozen the two remaining portions since it’s still good food. I’m sure all appreciate them more another time when I need them.
This post is long, so I’m going to wrap up. I’ll make another post tonight or tomorrow about my meal prep for this week and thoughts on my workouts today.
xx
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too-many-petals · 2 years
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6.20.22
I didn’t get much working out done this weekend, and I feel kinda bad about that. Especially because I indulged with two glasses of wine too. I got a solid workout in on Saturday, but I usually get a lot more activity in. Oh well. I’m telling myself one weekend isn’t the end of the world. I’m still working out frequently and making changes. The point of being active and getting healthy is so I can indulge here and there without worrying.
Some positives are my meal prep for the week.
🍫 Breakfast: peanut butter chocolate overnight oats
🥗 Lunch: spinach salad with some seasoned chicken
🌶 Dinner: sweet chili chicken with broccoli, onion, bell pepper, and green beans.
A protein powder I ordered arrived too. I hope that tastes good. I’ll give it a try after my workout tomorrow.
xx
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too-many-petals · 2 years
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I forgot how long it takes to loose weight. I'm so frustrated by the fact I'm not loosing fast enough, that I'm not dropping every hour. I'm so fucking desperate for change its unfair
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too-many-petals · 2 years
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6.18.22
Looks like most people date these things, so there we go. I didn’t expect to post again so soon, but sigh.
***Again, I don’t know if there are appropriate trigger tags I should be including because I don’t really know Tumblr that well. This post includes mention of weight loss, disordered eating, and bulimia.
I weighed myself again today. Yesterday was a horrible day when I got on the scale and saw how much weight I’d gained. As I said, I didn’t eat much yesterday because of the intrusive disordered eating thoughts that awakened when I saw that number, so I was admittedly curious today. Toxic, but true.
I think something is wrong with my scale. There’s no way—NO WAY—to have lost 5.5 lbs in a day of deprivation. Either my scale is off, or there were other factors I didn’t realize were playing a role in my weight yesterday.
I won’t lie: I’m relieved to see the drop. I am, but it comes with its own embarrassment? Like, even after six to seven years of not starving or binging+purging, I can still have such an intense mental collapse from seeing a “bad” number on the scale?
A therapist had told me that I didn’t actually fix my disordered patterns; I just went in the opposite direction. I’m afraid of feeling hungry, and I snack almost constantly. Even though I’m not constantly living in a mental state like I was yesterday, my relationship with food and my body is still in shambles.
And part of my now feels like I was dramatic and annoying and causing a scene yesterday for being so upset. Sigh.
I’ve made my meal plan for next week, and I’m going to do some shopping today. I’m going to go to the gym for a run and some strength training too.
xx
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too-many-petals · 2 years
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Hi. I’ve never had a blog like this, so I don’t know what tags or trigger tags I should use, if any. Please let me know tags I should use kindly.
Anyway.
I’m really sad. I weighed myself today, and I saw a number I’ve never seen before. I’m crushed. I’ve put on 16 lbs in six months. I can list off a variety of reasons and explanations for it, but knowing those reasons doesn’t make me feel better.
I had disordered eating patterns in high school and college, mainly college. Ever since I stopped binging and began eating consistently, I’ve been struggling. I never feel like my body is good enough, and I’m constantly trying to get to some unknown weight that is my ideal maintenance weight. I tell myself I’m not good enough, gain weight, and then wish for the weight I previously hated myself at. I’ve been yo-yoing my entire life. I just want to have a body I’m happy in.
I don’t even feel like I’m asking for much. I just want to be able to take a group photo and not feel hideous and to go out to eat with friends and not be afraid of ordering something delicious.
I don’t know. I didn’t think about this blog. I just decided I was going to do this and wrote this. Some sort of accountability type thing. I don’t know.
Today is the first time I had the urge to deprive myself again and actually began to follow through. It was only in the late afternoon I forced myself to eat something after stress crying about it. As devastated as I am about this weight gain and as charismatic as the ED monster in my head is, I know I can’t go there again.
I scared myself today, so I’m hoping this helps me get back on track.
Open to friends. I’d love to support and be supported in this journey.
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