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hiuh this hiuh that FUCK HIUH!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID U PUT IN SOMETHING WICKED MACA JESSUSHS
THAT'S MY FAV FIC I'VE EVER WRITTEN OTHER THAN FOR WANT OF A NAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was a multi chaptered fic!!! it was originally called "the hazards of solitude" but I quit at around 80k lol and then when I told maya (@laurent-ofvere) about it she really liked it so I rewrote it as a one shot for her bday. but yes!!! I LOVE THAT FIC I wish someone would fucking write it for real as a 100k story!!!!!!!!!!
#something wicked this way comes#anon#NO ONE EVER GETS THAT THE FIRST SENTENCE IS A DIRECT RESPONSE TO THE TITLE#ITS CALLED SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES#AND THE OPENING LINE IS AUGUSTE SAYING NIK AND DAMEN ARE COMING OVER#LIKE AM I NOT A GENIUS FOR THAT#WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE ME FOR DOING THAT#also the vibes of that fic are soooooooo sharp objects#hot summer suicide self harm neglect bad family
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Since the fic is in Damen’s POV we see him & Ancel’s relationship a lot. It got me curious towards Ancel & Laurent’s relationship & their dynamic. Are they bitchy bff type towards each other, or are they supportive, or are they more like siblings. I was wondering if you can share more insight into their relationship. Especially since of course they are very close but because Ancel is always texting Damen, and now they’re best friends. I wonder where that puts Laurent. And how did Laurent react to when Ancel started befriending Damen especially since they became friends only after the breakup. Do Laurent feel any jealousy at all or is it just amusing to him?
hello!! i got this q a few times, so:
ancel and Laurent are def supportive. like, Laurent isn't condescending or mean to angel in the way people might assume. he really, really respects ancel bc he knows what it took for him to get where he is, and how kind ancel with people he loves, and how smart he actually is (he's smart about things he cares about). I like the idea of a kind friendship between them, less bitchy than what fandom often makes it out to be.
ancel befriends Damen because both Aimeric and Laurent have sort of dropped him. Aimeric is going through a lot mentally (eventually he gets sent away) and Laurent has aaaaall of nicaise's issues to deal with plus his own mental health and grief over damen. so, because of this, and because he understands that ancel wouldn't hang out with Damen unless he saw something in it, he's okay with it. plus, it's kinda like his fantasy all along: Damen and his friends finally getting along.
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I don't know how to thank you. This feels like the end of an era. I can't believe it's been 4yrs since you started posting hiuh and I was instantly hooked. It literally got me through the pandemic. I learned so much from the story and felt I had Neo as a therapist(the best in the world). You must be flooded with asks now but I am really curious how the story formed in your head. It's hard to believe how consistent the story is as you posted chapter by chapter. Did you outline the whole story when you started? did you stick to all the original ideas? if you changed your mind what were they? It really is a master piece - much much better than many published books I read and I hope you will publish someday, if that's what you want.
I'd also offer you my first born to have an epilogue. hopefully lamen with their child(ren) playing on the beach and Nicaise being the doting big brother. they all grew so much and deserve all the happiness. oh and Kastor and Jo and Galen for big family gathering. I'm so proud of all of them.
thank you thank you thank you for all your patience and genius and mostly, generosity.
hello!!!! i'm so happy that my story resonated with you and got you through some tough times. it did the same for me!
It's hard to believe how consistent the story is as you posted chapter by chapter.
thank you!! it will never be as good as it was in my head or as good as I know I could have made it if I had spent more time on it, but for me the most important thing is that it is completed and at least 70% of what I wanted it to be. a win is a win!!!
Did you outline the whole story when you started? did you stick to all the original ideas? if you changed your mind what were they?
i got the idea for a modern au break up fic in 2020 while I was writing and posting wtsioa. i started the story as a 20k one shot and then realized 5k into it or less that it was not going to fit into that word count. the reason was very simple: i did not want a break up fic centered around "miscommunication" in a naive, fluffy way. i did not want to write a fic where the main issue was that one loved the other too much or that they thought the other was cheating when it wasn't true, etc. i wanted to write a break up that felt honest to me, and this meant giving them both issues that felt real, that i saw in myself and in the people around me irl. which meant that it would take them both considerably more than 5k to get over them (if they ever did).
i outlined the fic very roughly. my first drafts . . . they are not it, girl. like, anyone that has read wtsioa knows that. I'm a much better editor than I am a writer, so for hiuh i outlined the main beats (nicaise calls damen after months, damen goes to therapy, nicaise is out of control and some incidents happen, laurent is dating maxime, they get back together). then, i wrote the entire thing in . . . a year? maybe less? then, i made a mistake and got cocky: i edited the first three chapters and started posting on ao3. that's why the fic took so long to post. i had to edit each chapter a lot after the first three were released.
i edited out too many things to count. things you wouldn't believe if I told you now because they make no sense when looking at the finished version. idalia was a pretty big character, and so was jokaste. in the og outline, I debated between claude/heavy drugs for nicaise. i almost named dog NIKANDROS!!!! damen actually punched aktis at the party when he talks shit about laurent . . . which led to him also punching nik. laurent slapping nicaise once. aimeric and damen baking together. then, there were things I wanted to write but couldn't because they didn't feel very real to me, despite being the best self indulgent daydream scenarios ever: damen hunting claude down (yeah, ruth wanted this to happen), dog getting sick, aimeric's EVERYTHING lol, nik and nicaise talking, etc.
thank you for sending this ask and reading the story through all the ups and downs and... lack of updates on my end!!! it has been the best experience ever, knowing that someone out there is reading and cares about what I made. thank you!!!!!!!!
#anon#hiuh#about the epilogue: i feel you#someone asked me what lamen telling nicaise would look like#but I WANNA KNOW WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT OKAY#bc i already know what happens inside my head#some people were pissed about the cut off ending but i think it just gives the story such a hopeful note
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hi maca!! can’t believe hiuh finally ended, thank you for all your hard work! i was wondering if you could say more about what were the “wrong aspects” that laurent liked about maxime? also very curious in general about what paschal thought about laurent being with maxime or getting back together with damen. thanks!!
hi there!!! so, i didn't write maxime as a villain or anything in this fic so I don't want anyone reading this to think that he's Mr. Evil or a literal step-in for Laurent's uncle.
having said that, I love the idea of maxime toeing the line, you know? like he's not abusive but he's not attentive either. he's Into the Patriarchy (TM) in a different way than Damen, so not only does he not think to ask what laurent likes in bed or what his limits are, but he also has a rougher approach to sex (think typical porn video titles, "likes it rough" vibes, maaaaybe refuses to wear a condom like nicaise implied throughout the fic and laurent never denied).
so the "wrong" aspects laurent might have liked about maxime have to do with not having to really think around him (not bc l's being vulnerable, but bc he just disconnects and dissociates from the entire situation.) see: they go out for dinner, he doesn't even have to pick a place bc maxime will do it, doesn't have to pick a dish bc maxime will do it, doesn't have to think about sex positions bc maxime will just jostle them both into what he likes, etc. aaaand last but not least, laurent likes that it hurts. it's a form of self punishment, too. "you THOUGHT you could have nice things? you thought sex with people who aren't damen was going to be good? ha" and, later on, when he starts realizing damen is changing and getting better every day and growing, it turns into "this is your reminder that you fucked up".
: ) hope this was interesting to read!!!! thank you sm for the question!!!!
#anon#hiuh#about paschal: i picture him like ??? the entire time lmao#but also its my headcanon that he told laurent to TALK to damen pre breakup like sit him down for real#give him a real ultimatum#anything#and laurent just exploded one day and broke up with damen and then went to therapy like hi........ hi . . .. . i.... did a thing
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I know it was a deliberate choice to end HIUH where it ends but I am SO curious about how Nicaise will react to his 2 dads being back together? Also how he might take the 2 of them potentially having another child in the future? I could see Nicaise feeling *a WAY* about feeling "replaced" by a new bebe that doesnt have the same baggage he has, but I feel like the fic makes a point to show that none of it will be perfect but they’re all in a supported place to compromise. THANK U FOR EVERYTHING.
hi there!!!
i have sooooo many headcanons for nicaise post hiuh!!! i think this ask kinda relates to the other one I got a few days ago about what would have happened if damen had been dating a cute, funny, nice guy instead of casually sleeping with kyra. both laurent and nicaise are very similar in this and so . . . nicaise would have THE hardest time coming to terms with lamen having another kid/baby.
he'd be jealous because duh, being an only child is not the same as having siblings. but also, like you said, that kid or baby will probably not have the same trauma background nicaise has. not only THAT but that kid would be younger than nicaise, which... i mean, it's implied in the fic when they talk about galen and the fishing trip, but nicaise is aware of his own growth and age in ways other teenagers aren't, so that would also be a huge source of pain for him—knowing that he's older and an adult and he's being displaced by a younger and better "model".
. . . do u think he'd be a good big bro i wanna know
edit: check out this fic by steele (features nicaise as an older brother to a cute baby)
#anon#hiuh#also if you haven't read it there's a fic by steele where lamen are nicaise's adoptive parents and they also have a baby and it's super cut#im on my phone so i cant find the link rn but!!!!!!!!!!! CHECK IT OUT
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i love the final chapter!! thank you for all of your hard work. i was wondering, it seemed like neo suggested damen talk to hypermenestra to learn more about his mother, but then that never happened. was that part cut out in edits, or are we meant to infer that at some point when he's ready, damen will reach out to her?
hello!! in the og draft, he doesn't talk to hyp but he does have a conversation about it with kastor. in the end, I decided readers could infer that damen will eventually reach out to her, so i cut that scene out. soooooo many scenes didn't make the cut, many of them featuring female characters like idalia, hyp, and jokaste <3 but i hope the end result was still enjoyable!
thank you for your question!!!!
#anon#hiuh#i'm sure you've noticed that many details are not explicitly resolved and that was a creative choice#not getting to know what theo said to kastor when he was dying (lol i know but u don't)#not getting to see nicaise's reaction in the end#the address book serving as some kind of “i could track people down with this” device#the list goes on#idk if it achieved what i wanted but sometimes it's better to leave little holes in stories so readers can make up their own answers#to me that's what keeps me thinking about a story -- the what if and the how could x have gone
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i hope u know a tweet about HiUH is doing numbers on twitter… a slew of ridiculous fucking takes may be imminent…
hi there!!! i don't have a tw account so everything i learn about it comes from people sending me links on here.
that's okay!! i appreciate everyone that has read the fic or wants to read it, and I understand not everyone likes it or thinks it's interesting/well executed. i don't blame anyone for that and I hope they find a fic that speaks to them bc this fandom sure has a lot of talent!!!
#anon#hiuh#i know it may seem like i had some ill intent writing hiuh bc of characterization issues but honestly i wrote this bc i love the characters#and this was the story i wanted to tell#that's all!!!!
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can u elaborate on why Laurent buying a house in Akielos made Damen so happy?
hello!!! yes, I can.
there's a quote somewhere in the fic (for some reason I can't find it but I swear it's there) where Damen mentions that when they were house hunting or talking about houses, Laurent was very quick to shut down the idea that they could live in akielos. he was like "my life is in vere and I barely even speak akielon."
the idea behind Laurent looking for holiday houses in akielos is that he's willing to compromise (akielos), he knows that going there means something to Damen (he can tell that Damen is trying to get in touch with his roots), he says "you're not the only one who can buy (US) a house" which is a reference to damen paying for everything at the start of the relationship as well as buying the house with his money (patriarchal macho provider stereotype).
i hope this cleared things up!! the house was a very important part of the story and the holiday house symbolizes (embodies rather) the future. what they can build together.
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HIUH memes - by Ruth
#hiuh#ccainao3#this is the best thing ever and honestly what a good way to say GOODBYE#she made these bc she loves me#and she's my friend not urs#how's that loser#hand in unlovable hand
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THANK YOU FOR ALL THE HARD WOKR YOUVE BEEN POURING INTO THE FINAL CHAPTER!!!! I HAVE A BURNING QUESTION THATS BEEn on my mind. I so love the parallels that you drew in between the blondes that damen was seeing and Laurent. Or maybe damen just couldn’t help but compare everyone to Laurent. But I can’t help but wonder how would Laurent have reacted if damen started seeing a guy that was like a sunshine golden retriever boyfriend. Someone that Laurent would see as completely antithetical to himself, unburdened by trauma, and not “unloveable” like he was.
HELLO
damn dude what a good question. honestly, it makes me wish I had written that lol. i think if damen started dating a bubbly, nice, cute blond guy laurent would go absolutely feral. I'm talking about insane here. medicated to the brim. next level Crazy (TM).
it'd be worse if damen was (or at least acted) semi-serious about the whole thing? if they did couple things together or made serious plans for the future . . . if ancel met the guy or saw them together and then came back to laurent with the gossip that damen is in love and happy . . . if he somehow got nicaise to like him (impossible but let's pretend) . . .
laurent would destroy that man. he'd straight up stalk him on social media 24/7 and try to find the equivalent of a 2011 tweet that could get him canceled. and then he'd see damen with the guy and pretend he can't remember his name lmaoooo
#hiuh#this is basically that taylor swift song#“UR NEW GIRL IS MY CLONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”#jealous laurent slaps tho#i love this#ALSO U FUCKING BITCHES IM EDITING OKAY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S SO LONG I THINK ITLL HAVE TO BE SPLIT INTO TWO PARTS AND#ure damn right im postin both this weekend#im fucking DONE#THIS IS THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I'm in love with HIUH!! Your brain is amazing for coming up with this!
When you edit your drafts, do you keep what you cut out? Because I would happily read 100k+ words of whatever you come up with :)
hello!!
sometimes i do keep things that i cut out because I know I'll need them for future chapters or future projects, but most of the time I delete them forever. i know it doesn't look like it because the fic is massive but I have trimmed it so much over the years you wouldn't believe what the og draft looked like. trust me, you wouldn't love those 100k words of scraps!!
#anon#hiuh#they're usually scenes i need to get out of my system on the first draft but they end up being either too self indulgent#or straight up insane#i was talking to ruth about this yesterday and i remembered there was so much about aimeric's abuse in this#it was supposed to be a brothers subplot#like kastor auguste aimeric's brothers etc - all to reflect on biological family stuff#but in the end it read like straight up demented lmaoooo#rip aimeric nobody cares about you my son#even for wtsioa i wrote entire chapters that didn't make the cut but lol we dont talk about THAT disaster ok
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Hey! Silly, fun, question. Your HIUH Laurent/Damen, Ccainao3’s Concordia’s Laurent/Damen, and Pacat’s Laurent/Damen all meet in a universe smushing event.
Who of the six do you think get along the best, the least, who asks to have a multi-verse orgy, and do you think the Lamen versions would be competitive about who figures out how to get out of this silly little simulation (and secretly who’s the strongest lamen) or would they be fascinated by their alternative versions?
hello!!!!!! the way it's taken me ten years to reply is so embarrassing . . .
all damens get along great lol
canon laurent and concordia laurent hate each other i don't make the rules
canon damen asks for the orgy
canon lamen are def like "we're going to solve this" while the other two lamen are just . . . there. honestly hiuh lamen would be like "FINALLY a paid vacation"
i love this question and i'm gonna ask ruth what she thinks and if she doesn't agree with everything I've said here I'm killing her
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Maca, your writing has enriched my life so much. In my thoughts I revisit HIUH just as much as CaPri, perhaps even more. I read ~70 books in 2023 and the only reason I didn't name HIUH my book of the year (and I usually wouldn't even include fanfiction) is that it wasn't finished at that point. While I am overwhelmed with joy at the thought of seeing this opus concluded soon, I am already filled with melancholy at the thought of "losing" your voice. So..... Will you tell us about the book you'll be working on? Drop us some key words? Maybe even post a snippet? Must we truly cope without your writing? ._.
😭this is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the book will def have some capri vibes because pacat (capri) has greatly influenced me as a writer. and yeah, yeah, we all know tropes and tags can be extremely reductive and a symptom of extreme consumerism but girl . . . think enemies to lovers, dark fantasy (don't think fucking dragons and elves bc NO), disability (i'm so fucking excited about this bit!!!!!!! chronic pain people rise up!!!! endometriosis girlies!!!! mobility impairment pals or whatever the fuck that's called in English!!!!), slow fucking burn, political intrigue (listen i'm not that smart so it's more like "politics are mentioned" lol), oh and RELIGION, a lot of religion(s)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and fucked upness!!!!!!!!!!!! you know me, can't have enough of that.
if i ever decide to publish it (probably not lol) maybe you'll see it on the self pub section on kindle unlimited and go 'wait a damn minute, is this--'
#anon#my book#i wrote a bit (100 pages lol) a year or something back and when i finish hiuh this is my next project fuck yeahhhh#mlm!!!!!!!!!!! but also all kinds of people!!!!!!! and couples!!!!!!!!!!!!! wow i sound like a lib!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#og fiction#original fiction#how do people tag this shit
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i will suck your toes in exchange for chapter 20 today
listen if i don't post ch20 this weekend i give you permission to crucify me
#anon#hiuh#bring crucifixion back#u all don't know how long this shit is#like if u knew... if u only knew...#i wanna make one of those memes with the harry potter poster like “it all ends this saturday”#210 pages and counting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hey Maca, I hope things are well with you! I just wanted to drop in to say that there are two songs which so remind me of your Laurent and Damen. The songs are 'Still In Love' and 'Searching For a Feeling' by the group Thirdstory. The sound and lyrics just really hit me in the feels and feel like a soundtrack to the huge waves of emotions the boys muddle through in HIUH, which you so skillfully write. Anyway, I literally cannot wait for the final chapter, though I feel like my heart is going to burst open reading it!! Thank you so SO much for sharing your work with us ♡
BUT I GET HIGH EVERY NIGHT WHEN IM ALL ALONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes, i love still in love. it's SO GOOD. i hadn't listened to searching for a feeling before but dude it's so good!! and so fitting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE reading hiuh needs to listen to those two songs because they might as well be what I was listening to when I wrote the fic!!!!!!!!!!
thank u sm for reading <3 and the lovely ask
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why did laurent start dating / having sex with maxime, even before nicaise found out? maybe this is something we find out in ch. 20, but throughout hiuh i’ve really struggled to understand or empathize with laurent in this area. you’ve mentioned him being self-destructive, or how it was good for his ego to bring a date in front of damen. but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped? why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection. he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.
i really, really hope this doesn’t come off as criticizing or accusatory in any way — it is your story and you can characterize laurent any way you want! to me it’s felt like this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen — not just being jealous, but being compared to maxime over and over again by laurent’s friends and implicitly by laurent himself — not to mention how it hurt nicaise. yes, damen had flings, but he didn’t try to replace laurent after two months or ever shove it in laurent’s face. and yet it feels like damen over-apologizes for ever asking about maxime or suggesting laurent’s behavior was harmful. i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.
feel free to ignore this message, but always appreciate hearing why you chose a particular characterization!
hello! i get this question every once in a while so i thought i'd answer it today since we're about to be done with the story. i didn't take it as an attack or anything and it's a very cool question!
but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped?
in a way, reading your ask, i think you answered some of these things yourself. why did he bring maxime to a bunch of events knowing damen would be there? because he wanted the upper hand, he wanted to be seen as having moved on (remember that he thinks damen has moved on, too), because it's an ego thing. but why do it if he was the one who dumped damen? same answers, but i'd add that it's implied in the story that laurent was surprised and hurt by how easily damen went along with the break up. laurent brings it up, says he can't do it anymore, and damen just goes to work and never comes back. once again, in a toxic and insecure way, there was a part of laurent that wanted damen to fight for it, to say "wait, let's turn things around" or something. obviously, that didn't happen, and laurent interpreted that as confirmation of a lot of negative thoughts he was already dealing with (damen wants out of this but he doesn't know how to do it, damen's too "nice" to say that he wants out, damen is looking for excuses to start arguments bc he's trying to get me to end this, etc.)
this is not me justifying laurent in any way. was it childish and immature to bring maxime to events bc he knew damen would be there and he wanted, along with all the reasons listed above, to make damen jealous? yes, probably. is it petty? yes. is it ooc? i don't know. i think laurent does exhibit some pettiness in the books.
why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection.
this part of the question is a bit more complicated for me to explain. i 100% agree with people's complaints that in this aspect hiuh laurent is ooc (compared to canon laurent). in the books, he doesn't sleep with anyone but damen, so everything regarding laurent/other men is always going to be ooc in some way (unless it's non con, i suppose).
maxime has to be a stranger. maxime has to be someone laurent doesn't care about, doesn't value, doesn't respect. it would never work between them if maxime was not a stranger, which is ultimately what happens in the fic (let's, for a second, ignore the fact that they also don't work out bc lamen are in love lol). when maxime wants more, laurent cuts him out.
why does he have to be a stranger? because hiuh laurent's biggest issue in this story is that he can't be vulnerable enough to be loved and accept that love. he loved damen, but he couldn't get to a level of vulnerability that allowed him to explain himself, to show himself to damen as he really is, and without that a relationship can't last. when you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself from the person you love, eventually that turns into resentment and anger and hurt.
when he starts sleeping with maxime, he's not looking for another boyfriend. he's not looking for love. he's not sleeping with maxime because he's too horny to function either. he lets maxime fuck him because there is something to prove. and here I have to apologize because to me this detail was so clear during my writing process that I'm only now realizing I did not do a good enough job of integrating it EXPLICITLY into the story. what is there to prove? laurent has only ever slept with two people in his life and only damen was a pleasurable, consensual situation. so, here's the setting: laurent and damen break up, they go no contact, months pass, laurent is STRUGGLING (nicaise mentions this time and time and time again in the fic), laurent has no way of knowing that damen is also miserable, laurent has no way of knowing that damen hasn't moved on (damen is, actually, at this point in time, fucking other people). laurent isn't looking for love or dates or romance, but then maxime shows up and he gives laurent an opportunity to prove to himself several things:
he has effectively moved on from damen (in his mind, having sex with other people = the ultimate 'i'm done with damen" move)
he is in control. he has only had consensual sex with one person in his life, which gives damen symbolic power over him in a weird, fucked up way. or... maybe the word isn't power, but status. damen has a status in laurent's mind and memories because he's the first person laurent CHOSE to have sex with, the first person he loved and showed him it could be good, etc. as long as damen maintains that status, laurent will never stop thinking about him, will never have anything to compare damen to and say "see, it wasn't that big of a deal". which brings me to...
he wants to minimize damen. he wants dismiss what damen meant to him, what their entire relationship meant, so it can be easier to move on. how do you move on if you're thinking "oh I broke up with the love of my life lol"? laurent needs to tell himself what he had with damen wasn't unique, wasn't that special. he can have it again (the SEXUAL part).
needless to say, this fails. he has sex with maxime and finds that it's nothing like it was with damen because it's WORSE, because having sex with damen was having sex with someone who knew him and loved him and respected him. laurent has sex with maxime but he's still thinking about damen, he's still in love with damen, the same way damen is having sex with kyra or trying to date iris while thinking and missing laurent.
once this realization sort of sinks in (yes, he can have sex with other people, yet that doesn't erase damen's status in his brain bc damen was special for a bunch of reasons I'm not gonna type in here - THEY'RE IN LOVE, YOUR HONOR) that's when the self-harm comes into the picture. (this is discussed a bit in ch20 so SPOILERS but)
what kind of sex are maxime and laurent having? it's not the slow, gentle, love making stuff damen knows laurent was into. it's rough, it's degrading, it's not as pleasurable, it's a chore, it leaves marks. does laurent want those marks? we don't know. does maxime ask him if he does? we don't know. you can make it as non con as you want because the text doesn't go into detail.
the petnames. "why does laurent like it when maxime says it but not damen?" I don't think he does. he never gives damen a straight answer on this, but he does say that it makes him feel like a bimbo. it makes him feel slightly degraded. he says it wasn't terrible, but he never says he wanted it or that it was good. it's implied that damen tried it once or twice at the very beginning of their relationship, and I think we can all tell why laurent didn't like it back then with him either (bimbo feelings, laurent using him for money, the power imbalance, etc.)
uncle parallels. okay, this one's a bit tricky. yes, you're right to think that the abuse laurent's uncle subjected him to is nothing like his relationship with maxime for a plethora of reasons, but I think the narrative supports some people's opinions that maxime does resemble uncle in some ways (older, brunette, has a beard). i did not write maxime as a literal uncle stand in, so of course it's not going to be a perfect comparison. i wouldn't even call maxime and laurent's relationship abusive.
he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.
i tried to mirror canon in hiuh when it comes to laurent's... choices? in canon, damen is the first person he's with after his uncle because he's the only one laurent trusts. i don't have any doubts that canon laurent was terribly lonely and probably wanted to be loved waaaaay before damen came into the picture (post uncle, I mean) but his context and environment were so violent and dangerous that he couldn't let his guard down. similarly, in hiuh, laurent leaves his uncle's house without any money and in a very vulnerable position. he's not exactly carefree and happy and able to be like "oh I wanna date and fool around!! explore my sexuality!!!!" - in fact, this is a pretty big plot point in hiuh: laurent did contact damen out of pure necessity.
and yes, sex is the foundation of maxime/laurent for all the reasons I stated above, but at the same time it's not all about sex. it's not even about sex. it's about control and self-punishment. it's about self-hatred. we also don't know what state laurent was in when he started seeing maxime because we don't have his pov, but we do have nicaise's testimony. again, this is briefly mentioned in ch20, but it wasn't exactly pretty.
however, having said all of this, i'm not blind or dumb enough to think oh hiuh laurent is sooooo canon laurent, not a trace of ooc-ness. i get where the characterization issues are coming from. at the end of the day, I have to say that this post summarizes a tiny bit of what went into creating hiuh laurent. i tried to make him as canon as possible, but I'm not pacat and so my characterization is different. my setting is different. the modern au is different. it is completely fair to read hiuh and think as a reader "i would not have gone in this direction, i don't think laurent would ever be with someone who isn't damen, i don't think it's consistent with his canon self". i accept those comments in the same way i accept those that say they love this laurent bc of XYZ.
this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen
i understand this, but at the same time i don't know how much responsibility laurent can take over that when it's... just dating/fucking someone else after a break up. he should apologize for making damen feel bad on purpose (perhaps taking maxime places), but the rest of it... damen also fucked and thought about dating other people. the comparisons you mention were cruel, but they were made, for example, by characters like aimeric (removed from the narrative entirely later on) and ancel (who tells damen he was wrong, who tells damen he thinks laurent made a mistake letting him go).
i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.
i understand that, but i also think damen's insecurity wasn't born just from this issue. he is an insecure person throughout the fic. his toxic masculinity is one way this insecurity and lack of self-confidence manifest, for example. his fixation on penetrative sex. his fixation on performance. his fixation on parenting like laurent because his own way is wrong. his fixation on never thinking about the things and people he lacks because he can't take it.
yes, laurent played a huge role in feeding that insecurity, but I'm failing to see where he is ridiculing damen. during the condom conversation, laurent snaps because he feels judged and attacked, not because he's making fun of damen's pain. during the pet name conversation, the same thing happens. and in both instances, damen is judging laurent. he judges laurent really harshly in other scenes, too, like when they find out about claude.
some of these issues are talked about in ch20, but I don't think there is a scene where laurent addresses everything. perhaps he should. i just didn't write it.
#anon#hiuh#ok so this got out of hand lol#hopefully this made sense?#i do think a few scenes in ch20 help us see that laurent is sorry and he says so but i dont know to what extent youll be satisfied with it#also i am working my ass off lmao im editing i promise i'm trying to finish it IM TRYING kjbsdkgbdskjgbkd it's just so long dudes#pray for me#pray for my ass bc im editing six hours a day#im so close to the end i can almost taste it#and YES FFS IT'S HAPPY stop doubting me#plot twist they dont end up together
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curiouscat (.)live/lanwanggia/post/1345462465 seen this? glad to see people are calling you out for being a taylor swift: white, mid, and undeserving of over half the praise you get
I can't believe I'm being bullied on curiouscat dude this is like getting called fat on ask.fm in freshman year of hs
having said that
SIIIIIIKE did u think I was gonna rant. I'm not. good takes on all sides I hope u have a good day and enjoyed riding my dick
#too ooc for u? right but REDACTED is great or so I hear#sometimes I wonder if this is how pacat feels when they read reviews like THIS BOOK PROMOTES SLAVERY
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