#NotMeToo, but I was a former Nice Guy/Misogynist

(Originally published on The Letter Red on Jan. 22, 2014, and republished with updates here because I feel it’s relevant with the #metoo tag as of late).

I’m sorry for being a Nice Guy.

Eleven years ago, at the age of 21, I wrote a blog post called “I’ve Decided I Know Exactly What Women Want.” It was my quintessential Anti-Friend Zone Mantra. At the time, I remember being proud and a little smug, thinking my Cry Of The Nice Guy was insightful and it would open the eyes of everyone around me. Looking back, I realize now how much it was pumped full of misogyny and victim blaming.

I had all the symptoms of Nice Guy Syndrome: the high fever of “all women are lying when they claim they’re looking for a nice guy.” The rash of “girls don’t consider me boyfriend material even though I’m exactly what they’re looking for.” The clammy forehead of “sitting on the sidelines while the ladies date Mr. McAsshole.” As the Benevolent Boy, I proclaimed it was time for me to stop being friends with girls who complained to me about their relationship woes. After all, I put the time into befriending them and doing nice things for them, wasn’t I entitled to suck face a little bit?

Incidentally, my answer was to start being an asshole and cheat on women, hit them, never compliment them and be jealous and anger over everything. While this solution was clearly intended to be satirical, I know it’s something I actually thought – and probably way too many guys still think – would work on members of the opposite sex. If only I could have stepped off Mt. Good Guy and submit myself to the Valley of Jerkhood, then surely I’d be knee deep in sexy time.

YouTube vlogger the1janitor calls Nice Guys out for being dishonest about their true intentions and for perpetuating the myth that nice guys get put in the friend zone for being nice. He goes on to say:

“The world doesn’t owe you shit for being nice and girls certainly don’t either. You’re supposed to be nice to people. You don’t get a cookie for doing stuff you should be doing anyway… This is not a fucking transaction where you walk to the cashier and pull out your nice bucks and buy sex and romance.”

Another YouTube vlogger, Modern Primate, said the concept of the Friend Zone is valid, but that doesn’t make it completely a good thing:

“The negative connotations of the Friend Zone arise when the person who is attracted to someone else gets angry at that person for not reciprocating, implying that because they put in so much work doing them favors and being nice they’ve been shortchanged by not getting sex in return, as if that expectation was the result of some sort of quid pro quo niceness for sex agreement.”

Look. I get it. It’s frustrating to see someone you care about mixing it up with someone who doesn’t treat them properly. And sometimes facing romantic rejection and unrequited love feels like your genitals are being smeared with shards of glass. I’ve been there, done that. It’s difficult not to take it personal when they’re just not that into you. By all means, be bummed out. I don’t feel guilty for having that emotion. What I do feel guilty for is throwing a temper tantrum and thinking she’s not interested in putting her mouth on my mouth because the amount of niceness I possess is somehow too much for her to handle. They’re not bitches. They’re not cold-hearted sex demons. They’re individual human beings with unique personalities, preferences, likes and dislikes. It took me far too long to realize this and it shouldn’t even be some major epiphany.

Musician Meghan Tonjes, who was reacting to a Nice Guy shaming her for not returning his advances, could have easily been talking to me.

“Here’s a thought: maybe I’m looking for someone I have chemistry with, who I have a physical or emotional connection and attraction to. Maybe you’re sweet or funny or nice – maybe those qualities don’t completely override the fact that we have no chemistry so why would I sleep with you when I’m not attracted to you? Your reaction to me not falling all over you is a perfect indication as to if you’re actually a nice guy.”

When a girl was saying she wanted a nice guy, I realize now she wasn’t talking about me. I may have been somewhat kind, but I certainly didn’t offer anything of value otherwise. I wasn’t confident, I wasn’t honest, I wasn’t straightforward, I wasn’t attractive. Furthermore, my woe-is-me soliloquy was likely a turn-off. Most people want to be around people who treat them with decency and respect; what they don’t want are whiny children who complain about everything.

I consider myself fortunate for growing up and recognizing how my past self was clearly misguided. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’ve used derogatory terms for women when I was angry, and I’m willing to admit that I struggled with recurring Nice Guy symptoms up until the time I met my now-wife. I am now happily married, but before that I had to remind myself that it’s not true when I thought girls weren’t into me despite being a nice guy. Some girls did want my hot body, I just wasn’t into them. You might say I “friend zoned” them.

So, ladies, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for expecting a reward for my generosity. I’m sorry I dressed up my dishonesty with a pretty little bow and presented it as friendship. I’m sorry for mistaking the attributes of a few for the whole. I’m sorry for confusing chivalry with romance and chemistry. I’m sorry for claiming to respect you when I obviously did not.And while I still consider myself a nice enough guy, I sincerely apologize for ever being a Nice Guy.

(If you wish to read my MANifesto, click here.)

O Captain My Captain! 

Penitentiary

You don’t belong inside these books Locked up next to all these creases. You are not inside these jigsaw vaults These jagged lovers are not puzzle pieces. The written word is bound and shackled These numbered pages are prison bars. A piece of iron over each life sentence. Paper handcuffs over scribbled scars. I penned up Pain and Tears and Hate And labored hard to keep Love free. After these periods of incarceration I locked it up and threw away the keys. Be not jealous of these captive notes Nor crave from me these fettered looks. You don’t deserve such improper terms You don’t belong inside these books.

When Nobody Believes You

Hello. My name is Carson. Some of you might remember me from when I came out about my rape and abuse/manipulation I suffered at the hands of the youtuber WhatTravisSays (Travis Neumeyer). When friends and family began invading my privacy and grilled me on posts about my recovery and mental well-being, I deleted my original account that had a lot of messages on it. Travis saw this as an opportunity to post a very vindictive video, attacking me, calling me a liar & making it sound like I’m a crazy ass bitch. My inbox immediately flooded with death threats, threats of sending ME to prison, and just general posts threatening violence. I even received messages saying I should just kill myself because I don’t belong on the Earth alive. I posted a video pretty much immediately after I was informed of this; I could barely speak, and as much as I tried to wipe my tears and speak relatively calmly, I was just too much of a wreck to focus on… well, anything, really. I’ve been to the hospital three times in the past year, and the way things are still going, I’ll probably be “checking in” again. I will make another video on this, and this time, I will be able to speak much more calmly about this. In the meantime, here are some screenshots of conversations we had on Facebook when we were together. Not asking for sympathy, I just REALLY feel like it’s important to keep this conversation going, cause I’m sick and tired of people threatening me with death and violence, and to speak for the 20+ other minors who have contacted me. Girls, PLEASE BE SUPER CAREFUL ON THAT SITE, there’s a whole lot of fucked up shit happening behind the scenes, more that the abusive relationship we had, and I’m not just saying this from personal experience; he has fucked and toyed with a lot of people’s emotions, and has used several 13-16 year olds for sex, telling each and every one of them that he “loves you” and “you are the only girl I’m talking to.” So here you go, check it out, and stay tuned for a video.

I’m going to message you my new address.

I hate Perks of Being a Wallflower

Hear me out before you crucify me! It’s actually a well written book! And that’s why I hate it. It makes me feel the way Charlie does. Except I feel the way Charlie does all the time…. it’s just that when I read the book it gets worse. And all the time (not just while reading the book), I think about thejealousone and how I NEVER sent that last letter I wrote and I really wish I had. And now I don’t know where it’s at, but I know I kept it. And then I think about how I should NEVER send it because he’s happy and doesn’t need a broken human being sending broken letters. And I realized something yesterday in my curiosities and research. Social Anxiety is not only a real thing (and, duh, I have it), but it is a diagnosable and TREATABLE Disorder. Ironically, it is called SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) and that cracks me up. And even more interesting is that I didn’t realize how bad off I was and how it really DOES affect my life. In a very serious way. At this point, I’m almost borderline phobic. (It hinders my ability to do my job and “participate in life”. I lied about a meeting to get out of playing softball. And I enjoy playing softball.) But now I want to fix it, now that I know it’s a problem. And maybe I can fix all the relationships I have (they aren’t broken, per se, they were just never established properly….. no, actually, they are broken). And finally I’d like to say thank you to rivvka @knobster (I don’t know why I can’t tag you. Maybe I don’t follow you? Oops) and angus7777 for NEVER giving up on me, and NEVER leaving me alone. Even when I push you away. It’s not you; I’m just terrified.

It's probably art about soda and corn syrup. "You want corn water? Here's your corn water."

A new Emily video. What is this? 2009-2010?

sneak peek from a video I’m currently exporting

I haven't spoken up yet.

But whattravissays aka Travis Neumeyer has now begun sending me harassing messages via Twitter for “creeping on his profile”. He was obviously put off by things I have retweeted, but I don’t care. He’s a creep. I sat back and watched while he fucked around with 3 of my friends at the exact same time (names withheld for obvious reasons), making them very upset and uncomfortable. I hate him, and he can’t stand it.

Rumors were started here on Tumblr about a youtuber named Travis of WhatTravisSays. They were bad rumors that made Travis seem like a really bad person, and these…

MASSIVE SHOUT-OUT TO WHATTRAVISSAYS.TUMBLR.COM

apparently he didn’t claim that handle when he joined tumblr and someone else has taken it to reblog all of the posts about his abuse and that makes me SO VERY HAPPY

check them out here

why are ppl saying my “story” has changed? it’s literally exactly the same. i hit on all the same points. and i forgot some of them but here i’ll jog everyone’s memories:

1) He wanted me to be sexual with my sisters, would get mad if I said no and that it repulsed me, and instead used their toothbrushes to fuck myself with

2) He wanted to have a daughter so we could have an incestuous family.

3) He wanted me to get fucked by a pet dog.

4) He wanted me to take nudes in public places, like corners of my high school and in my backyard, and I did.

5) He wanted to drug and rape me, and said that he wanted his friends to join in.

6) He came to Chicago, picked me up in a car, drove me to a discrete location, paraded around the streets, squeezing my ass and cupping my pussy, and I’d tell him to stop groping but he’d still grab on, and when i put my hands on his arm to move him away, he’d grip me tighter. He threw me against a brick wall and I hit my head really hard on it and he made out with me and touched me again, and he did this as people walked by.

7) He led me to a dark ditch in this small strip of grass next to a cemetery, threw me into the ditch, took my pants off & gave me oral sex. When I made noise, he told me to “shut the fuck up.” Then he rolled me onto my stomach and held my head down and forced me to give oral sex til he came in my mouth.

8) After this happened, he posted a selfie of the both of us, and later on, he texted me a pic he took of me when I was getting forced to give oral.

9) He told me I was the only one, but he was abusing other girls and women, as well.

10 ) He was constantly getting mad at me, esp if I didn’t follow his strict rules for nudes, and would yell and me and call me “bitch” and “slut” and would tell me I’m not good enough for anything, and sometimes he’d disappear for days at a time to try and scare me, and he made me feel like I needed him. 

So yea I hope that’s good enough for y’all and I hope that jogged everyone’s memories.

trying to comment all these links on youtube isn’t working.

While it’s obvious someone has to be lying and I wasn’t there so I can’t know who is telling the truth about what, Travis used to lie to me all the time about the dumbest stuff. When I finally cut ties with him, I recall deciding that he must be delusional, as his version of reality never matched up with mine, nor that of others around us. I’m going to link you to some of the tumblr posts. Myself, Steve (FizzyLimon) and Reyna (Reinix) were all pals of his back around 2010. There’s some posts from other people who were just fans of his, too, that had uncomfortable experiences.

  http://fizzylimon.tumblr.com/post/83458161483/on-whattravissays http://fizzylimon.tumblr.com/post/84122251561/with-the-thing-you-reblogged-about-whattravissays http://fizzylimon.tumblr.com/post/115941223735/what-gets-me-about-the-travis-situation-right-now http://reinix.tumblr.com/post/83476827848/on-whattravissays http://reinix.tumblr.com/post/83478578809/he-had-this-alex-carpenter-esque-charm-that-i http://chateauofadoubt.tumblr.com/post/116335544255/an-e-mail-i-sent-to-travis-neumeyer http://chateauofadoubt.tumblr.com/post/116340505030/heres-my-skype-chat-with-p-ive-removed-all http://chateauofadoubt.tumblr.com/post/116450475270/my-one-comment-that-actually-hasnt-yet-been 

 Also, here are posts from people I don’t know. But I took the liberty of googling their user names with Travis’s to confirm they knew each other.

  http://neurocinemania.tumblr.com/post/84091394950/whattravissays https://twitter.com/whattravissays/status/69808112663666688 - the link included is to an unlisted video of her asking him to internet prom and he’s commented on the video. 

 Sama doesn’t say much, she echos Reyna’s story and her tags say that she removed him from snapchat and that he just didn’t stop. http://spellboundsama.tumblr.com/post/83477682101/on-whattravissays

Here’s a video of hers that he commented on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lNv3O-3RR4

Here I go. I want to write this because I don’t know what to think about all this. About all those things that people tell about Travis. I’m not a vlogger, so I won’t make a video. And english is not my native language, but I will write this in english anyway, so that the most people can read it….

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8kPyqEUDQc8

This video of Carson responding to Travis’s video painting himself as the victim breaks my heart so much.

I want to do this with my niece

please read this oh my god

Making Smiles Happen

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