thatasianstereotype
Name’s Alice
Currently obsessing over Batfam & everything DC and then some.
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dick got a new apartment. but at what cost
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tim standing over jasons bed in his safe house in the middle of the night like some kind of paralysis demon:
arise, motherfucker. im having a crisis
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It would be hilarious if villains loved Nightwing and were terrified of Officer Dick Grayson.
Dick Grayson- who is used to open spaces and adrenaline- being stuck in a boring bleak office, surviving on shots of coffee and red bull with caffeine that would make Tim concerned.
The thugs soon realised that unlike most of the other cops - Dick was from Gotham.
No one fucks with Gothamites.
Villain *shooting at Dick with machine guns*
Dick *appearing from the shadows behind him*: Boo.
Villain: THIS IS A FIVE STOREY BUILDING HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET HERE
Or
Thief *throwing a counting down bomb at Dick*
Dick: *catching and tossing the bomb at a safe distance before turning round and shooting it so it explodes mid air while running after thief*
Thief: .. what the actual fuck
Dick: Gee look at all that time you had! Shame you threw it away :D
Thief:
Dick: I’m from Gotham
Thief *realising they fucked up* : Please don’t steal my bones
OR
Shooter: *sets elaborate booby traps throughout the houses in an active hostage situation*
Dick *using his training as robin and inhuman flexibility to surpass them with ease*: Ah been a while since I got to have a nice stretch thank you.
Shooter:
Dick:
Shooter:
Dick: .. Hi :)
Shooter: Are you Satan?
AND
In interrogation room
Murderer: I think I’ll take your eyes and add them to my collection
Dick *running on spite and caffeine that could give Superman a sugar rush* : Funny.. I was going to say the same thing to you
Murderer: .. what
Dick: I wouldn’t take your eyes though.. they look like the inspiration behind the whole Medusa’s “look at it and you turn to stone” thing-
Murderer: Hey! Take that back before I gut you
Dick *smile stretching wider without blinking* : oh? Or what? I know everything about you. Who says I can’t kill you and walk out with everyone being none the wiser? I know how to kill someone too..you aren’t special.
Murderer:
Murderer: I’m scared for my safety.
Because the thing is, Nightwing is who Dick really is. It’s who he can be free as, be himself as without red tapes and regulations. Where he can give as good as he gets, and he’s kind and empathetic. He gets to help the downtrodden and goes easy on most of them if they give up right away, not to mention the fact that he never causes permanent damage.
But officer Dick Grayson is a different story. He runs on sleepless nights and no self preservation. Seeing an officer with an uncanny skill set they’re scarily good at, not to mention the cheery attitude he always has scares the shit out of criminals. Cuz no way in hell is a smiling Gothamite not a deranged one. He chases crimes like a bloodhound, and isn’t afraid to make good on threats he makes to ensure they never hurt anyone again.
Bonus if the batfam doesn’t know about this.
Red hood: Shit I can’t believe we ended up in Bludhaven
Red Robin *tying up the corrupt politican* : Since this is a sensitive case, we need someone we can trust to make sure it is seen through.
Red hood: .. So we paying a visit to Officer Grayson?
Politician *screeching* : NO NO NO NO! PLEASE NOT HIM!! JUST KILL ME INSTEAD AND TAKE ALL MY MONEY I CANT DEAL WITH HIM!
Red hood: .. is he fucking serious?
Henchmen: Sir he is. And we agree. Please take our bones and kill us but don’t take us to Officer Grayson.
Red Robin: Wait what did he do?
Henchman 1: He asked boss if the hat was sentient.. and said that if it was would it make that hat the top and boss the bottom.
Henchman 2: Last time we met I tried to shoot him but suddenly my gun was blank and he raised his hand and let the ammo drop
Red Hood: Well even I could do that-
Henchman 2: They were my bullets. I had selected the colour personally.
Red robin *growing concerned*
Henchman 3: He sang a lullaby to a child when we were holding the station hostage, and replaced the people with my family members. He even sang their social security numbers!
Henchman 4: He’s the most dangerous of them all. I ain’t shitting ya when I say he’s as scary as the bat from Gotham.
*all nodding in agreement*
Red hood:
Red Robin:
Red hood: Nah that doesn’t sound like Dick
Red Robin: Agreed. Let’s go there Hood.
*villains’ sobbing intensifies*
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An opinion. Jason was the only batkid who did not come with a pre-installed Kill option, that was downloaded, after death, while he was with the League. Dick, Tim and Damian, tho, they came with it, and Bruce had to learn to manually turn it off.
99% success rate with Dick and Damian.
76% success rate with Tim who has not killed anybody, but has contemplated it way too many times for Bruce to be comfortable with.
Edit: for all the people who keep saying "But Tim blew up the League bases with so many people," listen, if Bruce doesn't know, it didn't happen. Don't go snitching on my boy like that.
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Tim: I want out
Bruce: Thank God! I always had hope that one of you would want to quit the life
Tim: No I literally want out. I want to patrol. Let me out
Bruce: No. You're grounded
Tim: You can't ground me! I'm just as rich as you! I'll buy my way out
Bruce: Tim, this is Wayne Manor, not the American prison industrial complex. You can't buy your way out of being grounded
Tim: That feels like a challenge. HEY JASON! I'll give you $300 to sneak me out of the house!
Jason: Sold! I would've done it for $30! Do you want explosions or not?
Tim: Let's try not to deal property damage but keep an open mind to the possibility
Bruce: Letting you two reconcile was a mistake
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Wonder Woman: Kal, I don't think that plan of yours is going to work. Do we at least have a plan B?
Superman: Yeah, plan B stands for "Batman will fix it".
Wonder Woman:
Superman: I have him on speed dial.
Wonder Woman: Understandable.
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Dick: So what have you been up to, Damian?
Damian: I am helping Drake take over the world.
Dick:
Dick: Okay, let’s unpack that, shall we? Why?
Damian: He promised Kent the world and then panicked. He needs help.
Dick: Okay, that’s sweet. So it’s more of a metaphorical-
Damian: It is not. I anticipate total world domination in fourteen months.
Dick: Honestly seems like you could do it faster, but continue.
Damian, nodding: I could, but unfortunately I am limited by my projected timeline of Drake and Kent’s relationship development.
Dick:
Damian: They’re not ready to co-rule a planet together.
Tim, bursting in: What if we take over the world and Kon doesn’t like it?
Damian: He will like it because it is from you.
Dick: Okay, that’s actually a little sweet still. But also, don’t you think maybe you could start off a little smaller?
Damian: A small country, perhaps.
Dick: Not exactly what I meant.
Tim: An island?
Later
Bruce: Any idea why Tim wants to buy - *squints at note again* - 400 lbs of chocolate?
Dick, slumping into a chair: Oh thank goodness.
Bruce, concerned: Everything okay, chum?
Dick: Just do it. As a preventative measure against Tim and Dami taking over the world together.
Bruce, already pulling out his credit card: Say no more. I don’t want to know.
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I’m sick of debating who gets to become Batman after Bruce ok. Why can’t Batman just be four robins stacked in a trench coat
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battle for the cowl would be so much funnier if none of them wanted to be batman and they were throwing the cowl around like it was the cheese touch
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no, jason did not have a fun patrol, and no he will not stop ranting about it, and yes he does want some comfort cookies, shut up!
inspired by a comedy bit! (timestamp 17:45)
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None of the batkids give a flying fuck about being Bruce’s favorite. They all want to be Dick’s favorite.
Jason: Obviously I’m the favorite he’s known me the longest I’m his little Jaybird
Tim: Does it really count if most of that time was him hating you for replacing him or you were dead?
Tim: Meanwhile he hasn’t even tried to kill me once haH
Damian: Todd and I really set the bar low for you didn’t we?
Damian: Not that it matters anyway, Grayson prefers my company 10 times more than the likes of you, I’m his baby brother tt
Cass: Likes me most
Stephanie: After you wiped the floor with him 2 weeks straight at training, no man’s ego is strong enough to survive that and not hold a grudge, even Dick’s
Cass: >:(
Stephanie: It just makes sense that I’m the favorite having to live with someone bumps them down considerably, less exposure makes the heart grow fonder
Duke: Then that can’t be right because you never seem to leave. I’m the only one not raining down doom and gloom constantly, he must find that refreshing meaning I’M the favorite
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Dick: What? Oh, Barbara’s my favorite
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Upcoming Villain in Gotham: if only we knew Batman's identity! Then we could just go to his house and-
Riddler: we all know his identity
Catwoman: I regularly go to his house
Harley: I went to med school with him
Two-Face: he was my best friend
Red Hood: he's my Dad
UCVG: ...wait what?
Red Hood: family, you know how it is.
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PROBABLY MY MAGNUM OPUS TBH IDK HOW I’LL BE ABLE TO TOP THIS LMFOAOOOAO I’VE RUINED MYSELF EARLY (TIM’S FACE IS MY PRIDE AND JOY)
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AU where Jason gets his revenge by becoming a lawyer and getting joker sentenced to the death penalty
Bruce is conflicted about it but any time he tries to say anything on the subject Alfred just talks over him like "oh we're so proud of you master Jason you finished college and you didn't even use your father's extensive resources that could've easily gotten someone in this family a degree aren't we so proud master Bruce that Jason got himself a respectable profession--"
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Dick: Tim is planning to come out to Bruce, we should support him.
Jason: Lucky him. No one supported me when I came out from my coffin.
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Red Hood and the rest of the Bats working together
Nightwing, pointing to a fallen henchmen: Hood, care to explain why is he bleeding from the head?
Red Hood: Don't worry, he's just unconscious. I hit him with a bat
Nightwing: Hood. I don't think-
Red Robin: Wait, with a bat or with a Bat?
Red Hood: For fucks sake. A real bat, like a wooden bat. I didn't throw the gremlin if that's -
Red Robin, now just being a little shit: A wood bat? Like, a wooden batarang?
Red Hood: No, you ass, like a- Wait. Do you think we could do it? Change all of B's batarangs for wooden ones?
Nightwing: Guys...
Red Robin: I mean. Probably? There must be a glaze we could cover the wood to make it stronger right?
Red Hood: And with Ivy covering Gotham in trees every month or so we could find the material easily
Robin: It has the benefits of also being biodegradable
Nightwing: Okay I need the focus back to the bleeding-
Red Hood, nodding: Right, sustentability is trending these days
Red Robin: But we would still need metal ones. What if there's a fire? Also, we can't throw wooden batarangs at Ivy, this is like, throwing dead bodies at a person
Nightwing, now getting interested too: You're right, throwing wood at Ivy would only make things worse, she would get mad and at the end we would only be giving her more ammo since she controls plants and all
Red Hood: So what, half of the batarangs should be wood and the other half metal?
Oracle, who had been listening this since the beginning: No, the proportion wouldn't fit. We haven't been fighting Ivy that many times these days, and with the right coating the wood could become fireproof. If we made everything right, about 10% of the batarangs would need to stay metallic, but the rest could be made of wood.
Robin: We would need to find a way to make the weight right. Unbalanced weapons are more of a liability on the field, doesn't matter how much of a improvement it becomes on other areas
Nightwing: We could try adding some metallic alloy to the glaze, not enough to cover it, but just so the weight between the two isn't so different
Red Hood: But a metallic alloy wouldn't mess with the biodegradability of the thing?
Oracle: Not if it's something natural and unrefined, it's a bit crass but it would work
Red Robin: It's a plan then.
--
A few months later,
Batman, glaring at the batwoodrangs: What the fuck is this
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