I'm worried that no one will love me.
I'm worried because I don't think love, is what I think love is.
I'm worried I don't even know. Have I ever had it?
Do I completely fantasize love because I was never sure it existed in the first place?
Am I so sure subconsciously, that I will not have it, therefore I just imagine that I love someone?
I seem to be breaking my own heart, for a boy I wouldn't even "swipe right" on.
Who I wouldn't want anyway because he is very religious and part of a church who hates gay people?
And somehow, I've convinced myself that I love this person, even though I technically don't know much about him?
We just dance, and I watch him teach and it seems to me, that my mind has decided I could not possibly have what I want, or have someone with his qualities.
And therefore, I am not whole-heartedly giving these people a chance that I am purposefully going on dates with.
I am lonely, and I want to be loved, and love back with all of my being so badly, that my first impulse is to destroy myself.
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Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) | dir. Francis Ford Coppola
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Death and the Maiden by Ana Sanchez
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Parin Cashmony
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My bisexual-ass: I go both ways
Narrator: she in fact went nowhere. She didn't like to leave the house
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✞ 666 ✞
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raw 2016
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Can you hear me howlin'? Can you hear me howlin' babe...
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I am so empty
Yet full of rage to make up for it.
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How do you want to love to feel for you?
Like Hozier's music. Gentle, passionate, strong and a bit whimsical.
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I am tired of behaving. Of managing the feelings and stifling them down and down and down..
And I wrestle with the notion that there are things I cannot have. But why not? Why can't I express what I want? And that I am deeply unhappy that I can't have them? Why can't I stop being mild, and likeable.
Why can't I shout and cry and scream, like something feral I wish I could be. Because I'm tired of "being mature" and holding it together. When I want to scream into the winter air in the quiet forest, so that the world is made aware that I am uncomfortable.
I want to cry, and to yell and spit. Tell the one I want that I want them, and demand their attention. Even for a second, so we can all stop pretending that we all aren't struggling, and we aren't all feigning in our ability that we can keep it together.
I'm tired of being mature
I'm tired of keeping it together.
I'm tired of not having you, when I was so close.. I'm tired of fear.
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Possession (1981), dir. Andrzej Żuławski
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