NOT TO REBLOG MY OWN POST BUT HOLY FUCK I WAS THINKING I WAS THE ONLY ONE FKEJFJF
Ok, I don't hate EDtok, but i hate their perception of purging???
Like I'm not cute when I'm done vomiting my brains out, thanks, im crying and heaving over the toilet, wiping splatter off my everything, shaky hands and dribbling spit
Shits nasty, not a cute aesthetic lil "put my hair up and pat my lips with a tissue"
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Repost from a mutual for NEDA week-
(SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THE LOOOONG POST!!)
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Let's say you were bit by a dog. It left a scar, but you don't care about the scar. It's not in a visible place like your face or hands, you're just scared of that one dog. Eventually, you think, I'm over it. Then you go to your new friend's house. They have a dog. That dog barks at you. Shit, now you're scared of TWO dogs. No big deal, but that second dog reminded you of the first one. The fact you had no idea what the dog was thinking was a huge aspect too.
Well, another week passes. You see a dog that looks similar to your friend's dog. That's kinda scary, maybe avoid that dog. That's three dogs you're scared of, except... Now every time you see that dog breed, or even your own dog's breed, you're scared of it. Maybe it's a slight problem now, but at least it's not all dogs. It's just those two breeds you're scared of.
Ooookay, now a few months have passed, and you moved away from home. You're not living with that dog anymore, but you make a promise not to live with any dog like him. Your new friend wants to come over. HE has a dog. He wants to BRING that dog. Shit, I guess those dogs scared you more than you thought. No big deal, you'll just cancel hanging out with that friend for that day so you can avoid the dog. Oh, and now you decided you can't live with a dog. That'd be too much. No problem, you can just be a cat person.
Well, now you can't hang out with that friend anymore, because you realize that friend's dog is a service dog. He can't go anywhere without it, so you're just going to avoid him. Make up a silly excuse, like you're sick, or you had to go to work. Everyone likes dogs, so it'd be weird to tell him you had that bad experience.
Slowly, that scar on your stomach is hurting more and more. You know people can't see it, but doesn't it look bigger than before? It sure scares you, at least, and sometimes you feel like it hurts more than it used to. That's silly. Just leave it alone.
You go for a walk one day, and someone has a dog with them. Great. No big deal, but you've gotten so scared of seeing dogs that you can't walk on the same side of the street as that dog. But, that dog has a cat friend with him, walking on a leash as well. What? Why would he do that? You thought cats were safe, but now that you see one next to a dog, they're a little too similar. Gotta avoid cats now, too.
Come to think of it, you've never met a person who didn't have a pet. I know a goldfish isn't going to bite me, but they're a gateway pet. They're usually going to lead to something that CAN hurt you. Something that is going to leave a scar whether you like it or not. It isn't a big deal, but you're absolutely going to avoid animals now.
Your mom calls. She wants you to come home and visit. You can't come see that dog, you just can't. The one that started it all. What are you going to do, tell your sick mom no? You have to. You can't see that dog. She makes a joke when you say no, "better not be because of our dog! That'd be ridiculous." God, how did she know? Who told her it was because of a dog? Something is going on here. She says, "I can just come to you." She's going to bring the dog. Tell her "NO! I don't want to see you!"
Then you wake up one day. You realize, that scar has covered your entire stomach now, as well as your chest, legs, and shoulders. It's gotten so big. You can't stand it. How could it grow? Your friends used to tell you, "it's just a little scar." Why aren't they being honest, that thing is huge!! Regardless, you can't go to work anymore. People are going to show you pictures of their pets. You have to stay in control, you have to make sure you don't see any animals.
Everything starts to fall apart one day. Your dad reaches out. Mom is dying. He wants you to see her. She still has the dog. You can't. He wants you to get help, see someone for it. It isn't normal to be scared of dogs. Everyone likes dogs.
So you find yourself sitting in the therapist's office. They tell you, "everyone likes dogs. It's no big deal, though, because surely you can just spend time with cats. Or maybe your scar isn't so bad."
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Let's take a short look back at this scenario, but replace the dog analogies with food.
You never liked broccoli. One day, you ate some bad broccoli. It made you sick. No big deal. But broccoli is like fruit, and fruit is like grains, and grains go with meat, and meat goes with fats and oils. If the broccoli was bad and made you sick, then what else could? You may have started off being scared of that one dog, but now you're scared of all breeds, all food groups, all people, all social situations, all places outside of home. Because what if you see that dog? What if you're asked to eat with someone?
The scar was no big deal at first. Society tells us that it's no big deal to deal with this, anyway. Everyone hates some part of their body. But then it's your whole body that's the problem. You can't believe anyone would see it any differently than you do. You see your body as a horrible thing, something that you can't look at.
You became so scared and consumed by your fear of dogs, you couldn't go see your mother on her deathbed, because... What if there was a dog? What if she wanted to go out for lunch? She was doing it on purpose, right?
Paranoia, feelings of loss of control, anger, suspicion, belittling your emotions, and a huge avoidance of what you can't predict is all signs of an eating disorder.
Let's finish the scenario.
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Your mother passed. You go to the funeral, only barely, though. You were still so mad that she tried to make you see that dog. But hey, at least she won't make you visit anymore, right? Your cousin approaches you, you haven't seen her in years. She doesn't have any scars, she looks great.
"Your dad told me you started going to therapy for your dog fear. We've all been really worried about you. I'm scared of dogs too, and it's helped me so much. I'm proud of you."
You look at her in shock. "How can I get better with this big scar, or knowing dogs are everywhere? How is that even a problem?"
She smiles.
"That scar faded so long ago. I used to have one too."
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Even just meeting one someone who validates your fear of dogs, your fear of food, and says they've been through the same helped. You knew all along that there was something going on, you just couldn't admit it. Because everyone made you feel like it was no big deal.
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