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popomegranate · 7 months

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Shin-ae

Shin-ae Yoo does not pick her Pokémon for any specific reasons or strategies. She has no type preference nor do she care to have strongly trained up pokemon. Her Pokémon are her friends :)

Munchlax: Munchlax is Shin-aes partner pokemon, he is a perfect mirror of the goofy side of her personality. He loves food and naps, something shin-ae relates to heavily.

Litten: Litten is Shin-aes lil buddy. Shin-ae loves cats, thus Litten.

Eevee: Shin-aes eevee is currently unevolved as Shin-ae still isn’t entirely certain of her place in the world and who she wants to be, thus her Eevee reflects that.

Polywhirl: A pokemon Shin-ae has simply because she liked him.

Plusle: A pokemon shin-ae got in grade school…I wonder who has the Minun?

Psyduck: A pokemon Shin-ae only recently added to her team, she guesses he used to belong by someone else because of how well he’s been taken care of. He has frequent headaches. Shin-ae loves him.

Kousuke

Kousuke works for the Hirahara family business (definitely not a front for team Galactic). The Hirahara family originated from the Sinnoh region, therefor the majority of his Pokémon are from Sinnoh. Kousuke participated in a few contests when he was younger, but he left that life behind. He says he doesn’t miss it (he does).

Luxray: one of two of Kousukes first pokemon, Kousuke raised her up from a shinx and as she evolved into a Luxio and then a Luxray, the more protective of Kousuke she became. She is wary of Yui.

Lucario: Lucario is the Pokémon that Kousuke has the strongest bond with. Raised him up since he was a riolu, their strong bond during times when Kousuke felt isolated and alone is what allowed him to evolve into a Lucario. Lucario have a strong sense of right, wrong, and justice. A Lucario will not trust a person who is rotten to their core. Kousuke has been through a lot, and done a lot, but he’s not rotten to his core. Thus his Lucario trusts him. His Lucario is also wary and does not like Yui. But for the sake of his trainer he simply keeps his distance from her.

Kricketot: Kricketot is representative of Kousukes love for music, and also one of his best adversaries in contests.

Glaceon: Glaceon is a Pokémon Kousuke has had since she was an eevee. He wanted her to evolve into a Glaceon because of thought they were the pinnacle of elegance. (Glaceon are also cold and defensive. Their fur becomes prickle and sharp when they become defensive.)

Glameow: Kousukes cat companion, Glameow are known to fickle but can be very loving. Glameow is often there at the end of Kousukes days to offer comfort to receive its cuddles.

Alcremie: A gift from Kousukes mother Yui, Alcremie has been with Kousuke since he graduated high school.

Psyduck: A pokemon Kousuke no longer has. The third Pokémon he ever had, the first one he ever caught himself, Psyduck began getting terrible headaches right after Kousuke graduated from high school. One morning Kousuke woke up to find Psyduck gone.

Nol

Nols Pokémon journey has been..unconventional. He used to travel with his mother. Then he began to participate in gym battles at a young age. He was very good at gaining gym badges. He longer participates in gym battles. Nol used to have 6 Pokémon now he only has 5.

Blaziken: Nols first Pokémon he’s had since he was a torchic, one of two birthday gift Pokémon from his mother. They are very close.

Heracross: A pokemon Nol caught after a couples of incidents, where he felt he needed to protect himself better.

Growlithe: A pokemon Nol caught because he was friendly and loyal, Nol also loves any dog like Pokémon.

Gogoat: A pokemon that used to belong to his mother. He never uses Gogoat in battle.

Cubone: Cubone began following Nol around shortly after Nols mother passed. Nol initially had no interest in catching him until one day the Cubone held onto his leg for comfort. Ever since they’ve been inseparable.

Yujing

Yujing is a part time contest coordinator, part time journalist. Kousuke *was* her greatest contest competition. Now she focuses more on her journalism.

Lopunny: Her partner Pokémon and one of greatest contest adversaries. Always by her side ever since she was a buneary.

Mismagius: Yujings silent journalistic partner, together they always get the info they want.

Gardevoir: Elegant, graceful, and beautiful Gardevoir is a mirror of Yujings grace and personality.

Lapras: A trusted Pokémon of Yujings that she relies on to read and understand others.

Milotic: Considered one of the most beautiful pokemon in the world, and known for its ability to soothe others, Yujing had to have her.

Togekiss: A peaceful pokemon that Yujing often uses in contests.

Houdour: A pokemon that Yujing is taking care of for a certain kid.

Hansuke

Hansuke is a doctor of people and Pokemon! He used to travel with Kousuke to Pokemon contests when they were children, now he mostly sticks to the hospital.

Ambipom: Hansukes pokemon partner, he mirrors his goofy personality. As an Aipom, he and hansuke, along with Riolu and Kousuke would often go on outdoor adventures when they were children.

Chansey: His doctor pokemon assistant. She tries to heal Kousuke all the time for some reason.

Gallade: A pokemon he totally didn’t get to match Yujing but then he became super attached to his Ralts and now he’s a Gallade that’s his fierce companion.

Slowbro: A lazy pokemon Hansuke grew attached to.

Ampharos: A pokemon who Hansuke often utilizes on chaotic days at the hospital (or in clubs when he loses his friends) for her beacon light tail.

Marstomp: A pokemon Kousuke and Hansuke came upon when they were children as a Mudkip. They fought over who would get to catch him until Yui told Kousuke he did not need the Pokemon. And that was that. So Hansuke caught the Mudkip and told Kousuke they could both train it. Kousuke never did.

Dieter

Bears. That’s it. (However if you examine you will see all the bears are from different regions, reflecting that Dieter moves around a lot).

Min-Hyuk

Min-Hyuk grew up around Johto pokemon but now he currently resides in Unova (America).

Charizard: A pokemon Min-Hyuk caught purely because he thought he was a cool badass pokemon.

Scrafty: The Pokemon equivalent of Min-hyuk. Also a fighting type.

Timburr: Fighting type Pokemon.

Krokorok: Another Pokemon Min-Hyuk thought was too cool not to have.

Sawk: Fighting type pokemon AND martial arts pokemon

Throh: Fighting type pokemon AND martial arts pokemon

Alyssa

Alyssa is a performer in a girl group, and has pokemon that often performer with her on stage.

Chimeco: Alyssa’s first pokemon and one that has grown with her overtime. When she was a child her Chimeco was susceptible to screeching outbursts when Alyssa became too overwhelmed. Now she’s far more in control of her emotions. She performs on stage with Alyssa some times.

Whismur: A pokemon the girls in Alyssa’s group wanted her to get, as long as she never evolves her. Alyssa has grown very fond of her Whismur.

Espeon: One of Alyssa’s first pokemon, Alyssa raised her from an Eevee. She had been hoping her Eevee would evolve into a Slyveon. Because of this, her group deemed her Espeon unable to perform with them.

Bellassom: A pokemon gifted to her by Yui and Gun Kim. They told her a Bellassom would be the perfect pokemon to perform with.

Minun: A pokemon Alyssa got in grade school.. she doesn’t let this pokemon perform with her. She tries not to think about the fact that her Minun is separated from its Plusel.

Elgyem: A pokemon Alyssa caught after she left grade school, a pokemon she loves and values dearly. Her group mates do not understand why she owns this pokemon. Alyssa never shows him publicly. But she loves him.

Yui

Yui is the Lady of the Hirahara Corporation.

Vespiquen: A pokemon that is a reflection of Yuis status.

Froslass: They say a Froslass is the spirit of a lost lady. Yui just liked the thought of having a ghost pokemon.

Nidoqueen: One of her first pokemon gifted to her by her father.

Seviper: Yuis preferred pokemon type, poison. Her Seviper does not make many public appearances with her.

Roserade: Yuis first pokemon ever, whom she raised from a budew. Roserade specializes in making poisons. Yui has always been fascinated by this.

Polteageist: Yui just loves tea.

Rand

A lot is unknown about Rand, we know he traveled the Galar region. And we know he is now CEO of Hirahara corp. He also used to participate in the Pokémon league. He no longer does.

Persian: The Pokémon of a rich business man.

Stoutland: A pokemon that belonged to Nessa.

Nidoking: A pokemon gifted to Rand by his wife Yui.

Orbeetle: A galarian pokemon he’s has since he was young, a reflection of his business prowess and this pokemon is vastly intelligent.

Indeedee: Male and Female indeedee have an intense bond, and the male act as valets to their female partner. Rand has the male Indeedee. Nessa had the female. Nessas Indeedee was never recovered. Rand never calls upon his Indeedee anymore, for he is lost without his other half.

Mr.Rime: A pokemon that is a reflection of a side of Rand no one except one known person has ever witnessed. Mr.Rime is rarely seen, but when Kousuke was younger he would often be found attempting to entertain him and make him laugh. Yui put an end to that. Rand hides him away now.

#i love yoo #full delulu #shin-ae #Nol #kousuke hirahara #alyssa cho #yui hirahara #Dieter #Rand #min-hyuk #hansuke #Yujing

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trashlie · 7 months

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ILY FP 239

Good grief I'm so out of practice, getting this thing going feels like pulling teeth, I'm so rusty!!! Bear with me if this one feels a little weirder than usual. I can't say I'm fully back to myself at this point but i'm not as out of it as I have been, so I might as well take advantage of this moment while I can! I really loved this episode and I still want to talk about it, and since it will be free this week, I want to get this one out of the way so this post will be available for those who are looking for it!

Honestly this is an episode I did NOT think we would be getting for a long time - but I've been saying that for a lot of these episodes, haven't I? lol But seriously, quimchee keeps giving us so much of what I've wanted but thought we'd have to wait til season 2 for!

Before I get distracted by the part of the episode that really occupied my brain, I'd like to touch on the opening. Dieter is the kind of character who I don't think would ordinarily talk behind someone's back, but clearly this is a special circumstance. He's rightfully concerned and worried about Nol and asking Nana for insight was not a bad move, even if it doesn't yield a lot of results. I was so, SO hoping in 238 that Dieter would remember what happened at the arcade, that SOMEONE would make a connection to that time that Nol acted SO out of character and weird (in their minds) so when Soushi mentioned the arcade I was CHEERING.

They are SO close and idk if Nana being cryptic made things worse or not. Soushi and Dieter seem to be under the impression that Yui is his mom, even though the news did report him as the illegitimate child. it's all so in the moment right now that perhaps they'll be able to connect the dots shortly - I just need them to keep in mind that connection to what happened at the arcade and realize that it wasn't seeing Kousuke that made him act like that. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

I really love how Yujing works, how she gets to people. She seems to possess an awareness that all people need to be approached differently, and how to make a lasting impression, a little dramatic flair - because let's be real, something dramatic is going to linger a little more, and for what she's leaving Nol with, a little lasting impression is really important. There's just something about how she presents this information - that despite his minor injury, Kousuke was roofied, and Yui was the one with him that morning; that he has some reason for wanting to talk to Nol even if he can't admit it yet; that a mother would want what's best for her son, so how was he roofied and denied treatment when he clearly wasn't even feeling well?

What matters is that Nol comes to the same conclusion we already have - and that he figures it out himself rather than be fed that information. Yujing doesn't know much about Nol, let alone his psyche, but we do, and we know that he believes the misfortune that befalls him is a punishment, is the result of his existence, that it's all because he only puts bad into the universe. But he needs to see that this is so much bigger than he thinks, that he has never been Yui's only victim or target.

If Yui will go to these extents that she would roofie her own son, what else is she capable of? And more importantly, he needs to see and really understand that it is more than just him. In his mind, Yui and Kousuke were a team ganging up on him to tear him apart for being the mistress' son, for existing when he shouldn't have, for posing as a potential threat to everything they want and cherish. To see that even Kousuke wasn't spare from Yui's crimes shows that this is something more than he expected, bigger than he has believed all along.

I talk a lot about how I need Nol to figure this out because he needs to understand that Kousuke, too, was a victim. That Kousuke was never truly part of that "team", that he was weaponized against Nol. I don't think that Nol is going to figure this out at that time, but it's a good first step. Understandably, Nol wants nothing to do with him, so the timing couldn't be worse. How is he going to accept and receive anything Kousuke has to say after everything he's done - and how he treated Nol at his absolute lowest point in his life? But it's still so very important that Nol learn how all of this came to be, why he could never reach Kousuke.

But also more than just for himself, this also connects back to Shinae. At this point in the story, Nol knows only of Shinae's involvement at the Kim formal, Yui was meddling and put her in danger. From what we can tell, he probably believes it's a result of caring about her. Because that's what happens - he starts to care about people and bad things happen to them.

I don't think he really knows the stipulations of Shinae's contract and he certainly doesn't know about the offer Yui made her. He doesn't know about what happened on Kousuke's birthday, something so wholly separate from him and his own interest. He doesn't know about the way Yui took immediate interest in Shinae and starting testing her and messing with her out of interest in the effect she has on Kousuke.

And likewise, he has no idea of the real lengths of Yui's threat. He doesn't realize Alyssa is in a prison and, in fact, believes she's living the dream she wanted. Objectively we know that Yui was taking an innocent girl and toying with her, making a game out of her, but *Nol himself doesn't know that*! He likely believes that his mother took her own life, and possibly as a result of something he might have said to her, where objectively we know that it was probably something more sinister than her making that choice. And honestly? There's SO much more! Kousuke's memory adds another potential person to her body count. The former CFO in Japan may not have died but he still lost his position and we have to be naive to believe his stroke was a mere coincidence.

We know this. Yujing knows this.

Kousuke is coming to know this.

It's time for Nol to realize this, too.

This alone may not be enough. I still want, badly, for Nol and Shinae to have a talk, where she can tell him about these things he doesn't know, to try to get through to him that the danger was never him but simply Yui's interest. Even had Nol never become her friend, she'd still be trying to play Shinae and use her on Kousuke and what happened at his apartment alone should show Nol that it wasn't about only him! Shinae has a habit of keeping things to herself but it's time to pull all of this into the open, in order to confront those feelings, in order to reach him the way she wants.

Yui will never give up on her.

And we've seen what happens to the people who keep Yui's interest.

I do hope, too, that Nol takes Yujing up on her offer and talks about his version of what happened that night. I don't know if her implication that Kousuke is coming to realize that Yui has meddled so much, has manipulated him and everything he believes, but I hope that reaches him in time, too. That everything Kousuke believes about Nol was heavily rooted in a falsified memory. But also it's important that he knows even without him telling her his side she will believe him. She is telling him that she knows! That she knows more than him!

GOD. IT'S SO BIG IT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT BIG DEAL and I really need Nol to ruminate on this and let it all sink in because it is SO BIG AND IMPORTANT. This was NEVER about him - not the way he thinks, anyway. He thinks he's protecting Shinae if he can distance himself, if he can keep his feelings at bay, but all it will do is put them both at further risk, hurt both of them, and break their hearts. Part of Nol's desperate fear is that he doesn't know what the danger is, and thus how to prevent it.

But if he finally realizes that Yui is the danger?

He needs that realization.

And on the flipside, GOD, watching Kousuke go through that revelation... I know I've talked a lot about how I think Kousuke needs to crash and burn for the reformation he needs but now that we're here I DON'T WANT TO WITNESS IT, I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS WITH HIM ;________; I know there are people who still loathe him no matter what but that's not me lol I have gone from hating this man to understanding the circumstances, to understanding how he got here and god watching him go through this is HELL.

Because something we can immediately glean is that Kousuke feels SO MUCH REGRET for these things now that he sees them in new light. That's what continues to set him apart from Yui - Kousuke doesn't attack people without reason, even if from someone else's point of view there doesn't seem to be reason, and this episode highlights that and how that mindset became something he adopted in the first place.

He comes from a family that, as far as we can tell, is probably prone to backstabbing and deceit. Perhaps Yui has internalized it more than anyone else and is the only one to hold this mentality, but she isn't entirely wrong when she tells Kousuke to be wary of people because many will only try to get close to him for his money, for his influence, to ride on his coattails or worse, to exploit and take advantage of him. We acknowledge that Kousuke is not well-developed in the sense that his sense of empathy is lacking, he doesn't have that real ability to understand people who are so unlike him, and he doesn't know how to have/handle healthy relationships between people - and like, it's not without reason. His strict schedule growing up played into this a lot, but a lot of it was further reinforced by the kinds of lessons Yui instilled in Kousuke. People will try to take what is ours.

And enter this child who speaks of a version of Rand that can't possibly exist, this child whom whispers and secrets have spoken of: Rand's other family. The other woman, the other son. From his young, inexperienced child mind and whatever it is Yui has told him - they're leeches, they are trying to take our places, they want to take your father they want to take our family they want to take what's ours - it's easy to see why Kousuke refused to let them in. In his mind, it was true - Nessa was the other woman who was destroying their family and trying to take what was theirs, and her son - their son! - was competition, could very rightly take his place.

And this isn't a lie! Nol could be considered an heir simply by virtue of being Rand's son.

So, honestly? It's easy to see, from Kousuke's point of view, why he was so starkly opposed to this other family from the get go, why he feared them and felt threatened by them. That sense of threat was instilled in him from such a young age that he never had a chance to see Nol as anything but, to consider the more mature and rational mentalities of "Rand is a grown man who made grown choices" and acknowledge his hand in everything.

But to young Kousuke, they were dangerous threats that were posed to ruin everything.

He was basically made to feel he could trust no one, not one single person.

So when young Nol comes to Kousuke at his lowest, the worst period of his life, Kousuke turns him away. And yes, he is incredibly cruel about that, I don't deny it. But from his perspective, I get it. He believed this kid was a threat, that his mother was a threat, that he was a dangerous child, even!

And now he sees how wrong it was, how he trusted someone who lead him astray, and because he trusted the wrong person, he has hurt people, ruined lives. Because it wasn't just Nol's life that he ruined, as we see. He has stood by when he could have offered help and denied it, out of suspicion and fear that the accusations were falsehoods, because he was told to always be wary of this, that he can't trust anyone, that everyone will try to take advantage of him and benefit off of his back.

Because he fails to believe these people who reached out to him at their lowest, he knows he is directly responsible for what befalls them. He is directly responsible for what Nol endures, for how cruel he is to him when he needs someone, when he's so afraid and so alone, so desperate! And he fails someone else in an equally dreadful way.

Who is the girl we see when Kousuke's memory switches, the girl bowing at the funeral?

We don't have a lot to go off of, but given Yujing and Kousuke's history, the piece she's working on that she's told Manli she thinks she'll like, and what little we know of Yujing's friend who was in a similar situation as Shinae, the current assumption that we've talked about on discord/reddit that I currently subscribe to is: the girl at the funeral is probably Manli, and maybe the person who she lost was a younger sister? Manli seems to be Yujing's age, who is closer to Hansuke's age than Kousuke is. We know Kousuke had a girlfriend in college, but because he graduated early and was younger than everyone, even started college as a minor, it's not likely he was dating one of his adult friends so.... is it possible that Manli had a sister near Kou's age who was introduced to him at one point? I don't think that part necessarily matters here, because what really matters is that we know: Manli, or someone, lost someone precious, and possibly because Kousuke did not step in to help.

At one point in time, Yujing must have thought highly of Kousuke - or at least of his influence and what he could do with it. In fact, this flashback really illuminates why Yujing can't stand him, why their relationship soured and why she treats him like she does. Like Nol, she resents that Kousuke never defies his family, that he puts his lofty goals ahead of everyone else.

Someone - probably Manli - went to Kousuke desperate for help, with accusations it seems that Kousuke refused to believe. And if they were accusations against his family - his mother - we can understand why he was hesitant to believe them: because everyone will try to take advantage of you, will try to deceive you, will say things to try to bring them down. In his mind, everyone is primed as a threat, and the accusations brought forth probably did sound incredibly ludicrous, because whoever it was who went to him was begging to be understood. Maybe they even knew that what they were accusing sounded that way, thus the desperation, the pleading.

"Only someone with a sick mind would even do that! It's impossible! And a dangerous accusation!"

More and more, that makes me think it has to be something that Yui or the Kims were involved in - who else has a sick enough mind to do something that, it sounds like, pushed someone to take their own life. The line about no one seeing it coming feels so much like that the victim kept quiet about what happened, that few others knew, and thus few others knew that Kousuke refused the help that maybe, just maybe, could have given her the vindication to not do something so agonizing.

The argument that Yujing and Kousuke had is scathing, but it demonstrates a lot about who they are and how Yujing perceives him - things we already know, but is nice to see further clarified. Kousuke is afraid to believe something that could be a misinterpretation, something that doesn't make sense, probably because the version of the accused doesn't line up with his reality, what he knows of people. I can't help but feel that Yui must've been involved, since Yujing makes that comment about "family comes first" and this episode rides on the back of Kousuke learning just what a sick mind Yui really has, just what kinds of extent she has gone to in order to control and manipulate him.

And because it's always felt like what happened at the formal, with the drugs, was some kind of trigger of a previous event for Kousuke, it makes me wonder if this was that incident. Someone (Manli?) comes to Kousuke for help. Maybe it was Yui, maybe it was the Kims, someone was involved. Maybe something happened to her sister? Some kind of sexual assault, something heinous and awful. She was roofied, she was taken advantage of, and they needed help. But Kousuke refused to act on it, because the accusations felt so preposterous he couldn't believe it - because he knows this is what people will do, they will try to tear down his family, will try to take advantage of him, they will lie to besmirch their names. And when no one believed her, when she was left to deal with the trauma of what happened, knowing that no one would believe her, that she had to live with the horror in her nightmares, she took her life. Yujing probably directly holds Kousuke responsible for never stepping in, for never using his influence to help, to investigate, for never believing them.

And it makes a lot of sense with what happened at the formal. This time, Kousuke (after a false start) believes them. This time he steps in and acts. This time he tries to save Shinae. (She really is his do-over for EVERYTHING isn't she?) In this manner, it also makes sense why Kousuke is so terrified for Yujing to meet Shinae and to convey this to her - because Shinae has been in that position before and who would understand this girl more than her, someone who is already uncomfortable around Kousuke, someone whose trust Kousuke is trying to earn. He doesn't want her to know about a time he failed so badly to help someone that it ended with that person's death. What would she think of him? How would she view him? And this is especially important because Shinae is the do-over. Because Kousuke needs to do better with her, to make up for his guilt about the times he has failed others in the past.

What sets Kousuke apart from Yui, though, is that Kousuke doesn't want to mindlessly hurt people. Those he has hurt he believed were in the wrong, were trying to leech off of him, were trying to take what is his, were trying to ruin their family reputation and pass allegations that could ruin them. But now he can look back and see the truth, realizes that he put his trust in the wrong person who lead him astray, who filled his head with falsehoods that he so desperately believed that he ended up destroying peoples' lives and he IS full of regret and self-loathing. He stands in the bathroom retching, reliving these failings, this haunting realization tearing him apart. There's something desperately depressing to me about the panel of him looking down at his face in the toilet and flushing it away, because we know how he feels, we know what he is reeling from.

Ultimately, Kousuke never intended to hurt innocent people. He never intended to be a bad person. Every time he hurt people, he thought he was defending himself, his family name. But he's learning how wrong that was, how he has all along put his trust in someone who never had his best interests at heart - who even DRUGGED HIM. He seems aware of the manipulation, that how he regarded Nol was all based on what she made him believe of him.

But he did. In the end, he hurt people who needed him. How different things could have been if he'd reached out to this desperate, scared boy who was left all alone in a foreign country with no one to turn to. How different things could have been if he had believed Yujing and her friend, if he had been able to step in and help.

A note I'd like to make here is that whatever happened to Yujing's friend, I'm certain it coincides with Nol's release from the mental institution. Yujing notes that Kousuke has changed, that he's not like the version of him they met years ago, and I wonder how much of this played into his refusal to believe them. They seemed familiar with a different Kousuke, one who maybe once might have helped, had Yui not reminded him what a threat everyone is, had Yui not reminded him of what he is meant to be working towards. Who was he, to put others first, when the Hiraharas were always to come first? Who was he, frolicking about and forgetting himself when Nol could swoop in at any moment and steal everything he'd worked so hard towards? Of course, because of how much that sense of threat was ingrained in Kousuke, maybe it wouldn't have played out any differently.

It just kills me that he can see it exactly that way - that these were people who desperately needed him and because he denied them, he made things so much worse for them. The guilt... no wonder he's locked in a bathroom stall retching like that. When Hansuke enters the stall and finds Kousuke just seated on the floor - a bathroom floor! Our man is hitting rock bottom. Who EVER imagined seeing Kousuke hugging a toilet, sitting on a public bathroom floor? He looks so pitiful, so small and pathetic and you know what my heart does break, because it's clear to me that Kousuke is still separate of Yui, that his regret and remorse sets him apart. Yes, it's very much too little, too late, but we also know how effective Yui's tactics have been thus far that this is the first time he's ever gotten suspicious, the first time he ever had an inkling something was wrong and could get tested.

How was he to know otherwise?

How was he to know that the only person he's ever been able to rely on was, in fact, the cause of everything?

GOD. IT KILLS ME IT JUST.... ALKKAFJKAKJFAJKAJFK ;___________;

Lives have literally been RUINED because he trusted the wrong person. How do you live with that? I'm so.... SO worried for his future.

Ngl i was so surprised that Kousuke still wanted to come back again, that he wants to try this again tomorrow, despite the fact that seeing Nol sent him into a panic attack, brought up all of the realizations of guilt and remorse that now ride on his shoulders. But.... idk I'm proud of him, too. It's clear he was worried about Nol, it's clear he wanted to see him and check on him and used the phone as that, but it's also clear that he is aware now of the terrible person he has been to Nol and that he was never in the right, that Nol was never the threat or danger he perceived him as - that just like he acknowledged in 212, it was always him, the cold man with his back turned.

I know it's not like their relationship can repair at this stage - that's much further along - but I hope Kousuke's persistence can at least benefit Nol, in some way. Even if it's just that the realization that even Kousuke is her victim, that no one has ever been safe from Yui, that it was always her, not him. He needs that much.

God this episode hurt it hurt SO MUCH like I can't even dig into the pain of those flashbacks because it's just so overwhelmingly painful. Nol went to him at his lowest moment, so desperate and afraid, and couldn't reach Kousuke or get through to him. Even at his most desperate, he was still seen as such a threat, that fear was so deeply ingrained in Kousuke. And for someone (Manli?) to lose someone precious to her because Kousuke didn't act, because he had the opportunity to step in and help and he didn't believe them.... it's no wonder Yujing has so much resentment towards him, why she can't stand this version of him.

just sobs

also i have been trying to write this all week long and did NOT proof this so I'm sorry if it sounds worse than usual i'm running on negative energy but I REALLY wanted to do a thought dump on this episode because GOD I HAVE BIG BIG EMOTIONS ABOUT IT