#youre going to carry that weight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

venushasvixens · 2 years

Text

Chapter 22. - Truth and Trust - Life is but a Dream (Spike Spiegel x Reader)

Word Count: 4K

Warning: angst, emotional

[A/N] HERE IT IS. I hope you all enjoy! <3

Spike’s side of the bed was empty and cold.

You had recovered pretty well the last couple of weeks, now getting up and walking around on your own. It still ached, but you had managed. Just took some work and determination. Even so, you couldn’t remember one thing during your rest. There was no memory of how you got here. You came back into consciousness in the last few weeks, and it made you wonder.

What did you do during that time besides sleep?

It wasn’t like you were going to panic if you said something embarrassing. People do crazy stuff when they’re in pain. The situation that pertained you to this thought was Spike. And Jet.

Every morning, you felt a soft kiss on your forehead and the sound of the door closing. Then in the middle of the night, the sound of a door closing, a kiss and the weight of Spike laying beside you. During the day, there was little talk. A communication of tracking bounties and where his location was. But that was it.

Jet was a tad different. He checked on you, asked how you were feeling. But when you asked about your beloved, he would shut the conversation down quickly.

“Out, as usual. Speaking of which, let me do a quick check in with him.” He would reply with a quick smile and a brisk walk out of the living area.

At first, you didn’t mind. In your state, more work had to be put in to keep the Bebop running and the crew alive. But as the days repeated, and the routine continued, you couldn’t help but feel…suspicious.

Of yourself, most of all, but of what you said or did. Spike didn’t take insults to heart that bad, instead having it bounce back with a fist or a witty comeback. Even if you did, you were still going to feel just as bad. If he was angry with you, you would want to know.

“That’s just the way he is, as long as I can remember.” Faye shrugged as you confided in her. “We are busy after all.”

“Yeah. But I can’t help but feel like I did something bad, you know?” You sat in the chair opposite her, watching as she filed her nails meticulously.

“You did get into a fight, that's bad. But not worthy of the silent treatment.” Faye assured you. “I’m sure its all fine and dandy. You’re probably just overthinking the whole thing.”

The footsteps from the kitchen alerted you as you saw Jet ascending the small steps with a mug and donut in hand. “You girls okay this morning?”

“Doing just fine.” Faye mumbled.

“I guess you can say so.” You replied, rubbing your head.

“Everything okay?” Jet questioned. “If you’re hungry, I can grab you a donut, don’t even have to get up-“

“Oh no, I’m okay.” You reluctantly said. “Just a little worried about Spike, that's all. Haven’t seen him at all today. Or much any day for a while.”

“Ah, okay.” Jet nodded slowly, slowly inching away from the living room and up the steps to the hull. “Well! He’s probably just fine. Matter of fact, I’ll call him up as soon as I’m up there, I’d have a moment or two. Scout’s honor, kid.”

You narrowed your eyes. Avoiding the conversation was the last nail in the coffin. “Sounds amazing. Thanks.”

You looked back at Faye, with a questioning glint in your eyes. She shared the same expression, pouting her lips as she delved into the same skeptical energy as you.

The rotating hull was still hard on your legs, giving no mercy. Wincing as you climb from the hull through the entrance to the bridge, your feet planted one by one on the other side. Letting the door shut behind you, you heard the shuffling of Jet’s footsteps as he investigated the noise.

“It’s just me.” You called out, clanking down one step at a time slowly. “Checking in thats all.”

You hissed as the final step put some pain in your leg. Jet turned his head to watch you. “Careful now, can’t be falling apart on me.”

“Too little, too late.” You gave a faint smile as you leaned against the console. Deep in his work, you watched as Jet clinked and snapped in whatever he was doing. Something to keep him busy, always. “How was it out there?”

He took a deep intake of breath. “I'd say the same as usual. Didn’t see any bad guys, sadly.”

“Ah.” You replied. “Give me another week and we won't have to worry about that.”

He nodded his head, still focused on the console board. “Sounds mighty fine.”

As usual, what dissipated your physical pain for the briefest of moments was the burning question at the back of your mind. “You’ve seen Spike today, right?”

“Yeah. Before sunrise.” Jet mumbled out, counting under his breath. You waited until he was finished so as to not interrupt him. In the midst of your suspicions, you still had respect.

“Did he say what he went out for?” You asked.

Jet shrugged. “Beats me.”

In the quietness of the bridge, you took a small stroll to the giant windows. Beaming in was warm light, tingling your exposed arms. A sense of calm before what you were going to ask.

“It's odd.”

“What’s that?” Jet replied nonchalantly, still focused.

“You and Spike are thick as thieves and he didn't tell you where he was going.” You stated, crossing your arms. “It’s suspicious.”

“Well, he does run off now and then. Always does when something is bothering him, or he’s feeling cooped up in this metal cage of ours.”

You nodded. Turning around, you looked down at Jet, who was just staring at the console board. No hand movements, no papers or screens open to work on. Even with his head down, you could see his gaze glaring right back at you.

“Okay.” You finally said. “I won’t keep you from your work. So sorry.”

You walked the opposite side of the console board, taking slow steps. It surely was going to be a pain trying to get out of here.

He nodded. “Be careful getting out- hey!”

The console board powered down, fading into a blank slate. Leaning yourself against the table, you watched a Jet grumbled and cursed under his breath.

“What do you know?”

Jet stood up straight. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

You shook your head. “I’m not happy with that answer.”

You both were at a standoff, watching each other carefully. You could see in Jet’s eyes that he was aware. Very aware of your past. It wouldn’t have been so bad if you initially told them. But now that the whole crew was possibly being tracked down at this moment, this was going to be a problem.

And yet, he still didn’t say anything.

“I lied.” You breathed. “But how was I supposed to know that I was tracked? If I knew any sooner, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“You did.” His shoulders dropped. The disappointment that echoed within you stung. This was the last thing you ever wanted to do to a person that gave you shelter when you needed it most. “But syndicate children make great sharpshooters.”

“He’s disappointed in me, isn’t he? That’s why I haven’t seen him at all.” You confirmed. “Doesn’t want to look at my face.”

“Yes he is. I can’t speak for Spike, but he needs…” Jet trailed off, sighing. “I don’t know what he needs.”

Walking right by Jet, you sat in a chair, contemplating your actions. “He told me all about it, the syndicate he was a part of. All of the stuff he did, the things he saw. I did the same.”

“But you didn’t tell him flat out.” Jet replied, raising his eyebrows. “You let it sit there all this time until something happened.”

“I did.”

You were a complete fuck up. You deserved to be called out on your shit, your deception to those who trusted you most. You didn't have the courage to even say anything back to Jet, and it was going to feel hard to after this. How badly you wanted to disappear. Or start over fresh, tell them flat out so that you could have avoided this situation.

Jet looked at you, and then at the windows of the bridge. “Hey.”

You glanced up at him with teary eyes.

“You see that spot over there?” He pointed to the main window, a bench planted across for a view. “Over there was the first time I had learned anything from him. Of Spike’s past. Before, he never said anything, not a damn word. Then when our life was turning to shit, it just came out.”

You saw as Jet remimence over the memory, his face deep into the thought. “In that moment, (Y/n), I knew. Your past should’ve defined you, but guided you. You are who you are now. You can’t allow yourself to keep living this lie, or it’ll get you killed.”

The shot that hit you sends waves of emotional calm over yourself. It was a different perspective of what you felt just minutes before. “And I think that's what's bothering him too. To see you go through the same thing he did, it's hurting him bad.”

Ah man, another dagger in the heart.

“If I need to go, tell me.”

“I’m not going to kick you out, kid. That’s the last thing I want to do.” Crossing his arms, Jet’s face softened. “Now I knew this conversation was going to happen sooner than later, and yes it does make me upset. But I am not that kind of person to do that. Now what I want you to do is to talk to him, hear him out.”

“You’re right.” You sniffled. “Even with a hit on your head you still want me here?”

He shrugged. “Had worse on me. For all we know, they may have given up on getting back at us.”

Shaking your head, you bit down on your lip. There was no way in heaven or hell that Jo was going to give up so easily on you. When she wanted to finish a job, it was going to get done regardless. This was going to get so much worse.

“Jo doesn’t give up. Without a doubt in my mind she is going to hunt us until the day she dies.” You felt defeated again. Everything that was together not even two weeks ago was now falling apart. Dumb to think that you can have some clarity in your life for once, you thought. “I really don’t know what to do.”

“(Y/n), you know this person inside and out. You’ve looked into her mind, you've done her deeds. So follow that path and get that brain of yours working.” Jet popped on you. In a sense, this is exactly what you needed. A shove back into reality instead of giving up. Your hole of despair had to be put on hold until you were going to figure out what to do. “To find the solution, you have to look at the pattern.”

You nodded. “I needed that, thank you. But what am I looking for?”

“What you seek. What you've always been looking for.” Jet turned the console back on and refreshed the holo computer. “Use this, it's faster than what I’m using.”

Taking this new opportunity in your hands, you sat in the chair and began searching away. You opened the file that contained everything that Jet had accumulated over the time you were knocked out.

“What did you think of my shades?” You pulled up a picture of yourself.

“Think they look rather cool, real cool.” Jet flashed you a smile, reassuring you of your place on the Bebop, and a bonafide hunter in the system.

Spike set the Swordfish on cruise, debating on if he should bring himself back to the Bebop or not. His fingers hung loosely around the handlebars, and flexed them lightly. He still hadn’t made up his mind. He did forgive you, silently. And in his mind, not out loud or to your face.

Why was this so hard?

He wasn’t good at apologies or sentimental thoughts that were spoken. It was a “sorry” or “my bad”, and they just accepted it as it was. That was the most people could get out of him. But when it comes to forgiveness? It was an easy option to move on and forget it all happened. This was different.

You both weren’t that different, either. You were both songs of the same tune. Was it because he thought he knew everything about you, and now he didn’t, or that you lied until it was too late..? Christ, he didn’t know.

He sighed in frustration as he circled the airspace once again. As usual when he went missing, an occasional transmission from Jet would come every so often. Even if he was mad at Spike, he still had to make sure the angry bastard was still okay. Common courtesy, no matter what.

The last transmission was in the afternoon, a little after two o’clock. But the sky had dimmed well into evening, and there was the faintest bit of light. Nothing from Jet. Or from you.

No transmission from you.

That puts a greater stress on the situation. Did you know that he knows? If he were to return to the Bebop, what would he be coming back to, he thought. Hoping for a calm approach was out of the question had it involved Faye, so this could be different. Tense, but speaking bluntly and calmly. He just want reassurance, quiet, peaceful-

Transmission incoming. The tag read from you.

Spike’s stomach leaped. The beeps grew loud as he contemplated accepting the message. His hand hovered over, quietly debating. Finally, he pressed the button to accept.

“Yo.” It was all he could say.

You cleared your throat. “Hi.” It wasn't hard to hear the emotion you tried to hide in your voice. “Where are you?”

“Umm, I’m out. Somewhere close, though.”

The pause was great.

“Can we talk when you get back?”

“Yes.” Spike answered immediately.

“Yes?” You replied to Spike, in a way relieved that he was wanting to talk to you. It had gnawed at you for the entire day, and you were so ready to get it over with.

“Uh-huh.” He hummed, hearing the roar of his engine as it accelerated back to the ship. “See you soon.”

You cut the transmission before you could say “I love you.” Didn’t seem appropriate right now, even though you wanted to say it so bad. It hurt to not say it to Spike.

After your confession to Jet, you had been on and off crying thinking of all that had transpired. Your fears came back to one hurtful possibility, and that was separating yourself from Spike.

The tears that poured from your eyes could’ve made oceans and lakes. As best he could, Jet passed you tissues any time a sniffle or hiccup of sadness came from your direction. How long that Spike had known, and was letting it fester inside. Reminding yourself of being responsible for it, it only made you cry even more. But it was your mind that was made up that hurt the most. The many plans you had made when Jet wasn’t looking.

What made this all worse was the research you did make.

Locations, names. All were at your fingertips. Something had to be done about it. But in your busy head, there wasn’t a clear answer as to what to do.

He was going to see you soon. He was going to be here. In front of you, to talk about it. Now it was time to wait a bit more, until the judgment was to come.

As Spike closed the door to the rotating hull, Jet was waiting opposite.

“I have someone waiting on me.” Spike said as he walked off.

“Sure, but I need to tell you something before you do.” Jet replied, still planted where he was. Stopping, Spike listened.

“I had never seen a girl so in love with someone before until I talked to (Y/N) today. Never experienced it, and probably never will. There’s a lot to lose. Remember that.”

Spike couldn’t walk off fast enough. Even when he was lied to, how fast he wanted to be in your arms and melted into you. But he couldn’t. There was a truth that needed to be shared.

Grabbing the handle of the door to the bridge, he pushed it to the side and stepped in. The illumination from the console lit the bridge, with no other light source. Walking slowly, he gazed longingly at the outline of you looking out into the city. Your soft hair, the curve of your shoulders and hips. He could see you.

His heel clicked against the metal as he took another step. You turned quickly, worried eyes resting on the source of the noise. Finally, he stopped in front of you, hands in pockets.

“I..I need to explain myself.”

Spike eyes honed in on your down appearance. It wasn’t hard to notice your puffy eyes or red nose. “Okay.”

“I wasn’t honest with you. I lied about who I really was, and my life.” You began. “There shouldn’t be an excuse at all. And..and I think I did it to get away from it all, that way of living. Had I known it would’ve gotten to this point, I would have never..”

You threw your arms around, gesturing to the ship as a whole.

“Every second I spent there was a what if. What if I was going to die today, what if I lost my place with Jo. It was going to kill me if I didn’t leave.” You muttered, wincing at the memory. “Before she could do anything, I left.”

The image of your daring escape from the clutches of Red Jack’s flooded back into your mind. Early morning, with a small wallet full of credits and the clothes on your back. The breeze on your face as your feet carried you to the nearest transport station. An alias given, and finally, out of Yun and away from Mars.

While floating with many other souls in space, you remembered your tears of relief. Absolutely free. You could breathe again without question of loyalty or argument.

Just when you were out, you were pulled right back in.

“Dammit, I should’ve told you. I should’ve told you sooner.” You repeat yourself, holding your body closely. “I’m so sorry, Spike. I truly am.”

At this point, you couldn’t hold in your tears at all. How pathetic you looked, blubbering mess begging for forgiveness. You were beyond terrified of losing his love, losing him. You didn’t want the one good thing that has ever happened to you in your life to leave you.

Through dim lights, you could feel his eyes gaze into you. “S-say something, please.” You begged. Please, I can’t stand this silence.

“You’re right. You should’ve told me from the beginning.” Spike began. “But its…understandable.”

You nodded softly.

“You’re the only person I ever really told about who I was before this.” He said lowly. “Why couldn’t you just tell me?”

“A-at the time, I was living low. Or so I thought.” You mumbled. “I really thought they had forgotten all about me. Who they were looking for didn’t exist anymore. She was just a thing of the past.”

“And they still found her.”

You sat defeated in the double seat at the head of the bridge. “I didn’t try hard enough to disappear.”

Spike sat next to you, keeping a short distance. “You didn’t. But how else was I supposed to see you?”

You huffed softly. It surprised you. In a moment where you thought you were about to lose everything, how simple a sentence could wipe that feeling away.

“If I put a different spotlight on, it would be easier.” You replied back. “Could’ve revealed who I really was sooner.”

“But this is you.”

You glanced at Spike, shaking your head. “No. Its not.”

How you looked in the mirror at yourself after a “situation” that had to be dealt with with Red Jack’s. Many times this would happen. Blood splattered on your face, gun still hot in your holster. Eyes blank as you stared at yourself. The face of an enforcer, a killer. Judge and executioner.

That who you felt you really were.

You felt two soft hands gently nudge your body. Turning you to face him, Spike’s hold on you was still. You didn’t know what was about to happen. You didn’t want to know what he was going to say. It was going to hurt either way.

“Whoever you think is the real you, it isn’t. People change, (Y/N). Sometimes for the better. You took the bigger step to leave the life you thought you knew. It’s hard to do. Most can’t come to terms with the thought.” He stated, voice low. “But you did.”

You nodded.

“I wasn’t honest either with Jet. I wanted to keep what I was a secret, out of sight and mind.” He confessed. “I think that’s why I’m not as upset. It's because I’ve been down the road and I did the same thing. Hypocritical of me to judge.”

“Its going to be hard to forgive me.”

Spike shook his head. “I already have forgiven you. But I need you to listen to me.” His hands trailed from your arms to the frame of your face, allowing you to see him. “I need to trust you. You need to trust me. If we are going to make this work, it has to be that way. No more secrets or lies.”

“No more secrets or lies.” You repeated back, taking Spike’s words to your head, cementing it deep to never forget. “I really don’t want to lose you.”

“You never will.” He replied, kissing your forehead softly. His lips lingered, sending another bout of relief throughout your body. “I love you.”

“I love you more.” You sighed, placing your hand over his.

You both sat on the bridge for an eternity. Silent, except the deep thumps of your hearts beating and a shuffle as you made yourself comfortable in Spike’s arms. There was nothing spoken, but it wasn’t awkward. Nothing needed to be said. Spike held on as tightly as you did.

Your head rested on Spike’s chest. The future brought uncertainty. It still plagued your mind. In the moment where you should’ve felt safe, a pang of dread was in your side. You had to protect your new home somehow. Your home was Spike, but it wasn’t only him.

It was Jet.

It was Faye.

It was Ein and Ed.

You looked up at Spike, not surprised to see the man you loved deep in thought. Was he thinking the same thing as you? Your plan that you put on the backburner was set aflame once more. This home you have, the one you prayed and begged for, was going to be fought until the end. Seeing it, you would give anything to keep it safe.

“Spike?”

“Hmm?”

“If something happens, are you with me? By my side?”

You felt the intake of breath from Spike.

“Until the very end. I’ll always be with you.”

#fanfiction #cowboy bebop #faye valentine #90s anime #jet black #radio free mars #spike spiegel #see you space cowboy #spike spiegel x reader #spike spiegel headcanons #spike spiegel requests #spike spiegel x you #spike spiegel x y/n #spike spiegel fanfic #whatever happens happens #youre going to carry that weight

19 notes · View notes