My last say. Hopefully not my final essay.
So I've been watching YouTube videos of how to get over ex's and how to deal with break ups. In my heart, I know we belong together. I know the fact that I'm not Christian is a problem. My arguement is that you never fell in love with an atheist. You fell in love with me. Its tough when you refer to me as atheist because I'm so much more then that. You of all people know that. I love you with all my heart. I want to marry you still. I'm not of being alone or being without you. I'm scared of what I am without you. To be honest you were and still are my guardian angel in my eyes. You've changed my life and I hate to see you leave. You keep emphasizing that we might not be together but I still have hope we'll be together. After all, you have my rib. I know things are hard for you at the moment with God. Its tough for me 2. I go to afda and put on a smile pretending I'm fine. You want to be with a Christian. I get that. But no Christian will be as good as I am to you. Even tough I'm not a Christian, I can try to be the best person in the world for you. I dont love for your looks or your voice or cause you give me affection or cause you buy me stuff or cause you did things to me. Its all those things and more. I love you cause youre you. I would never change anything about you. Even your cute toes. Once upon a time I promised you I'd convert for you. I want to make this clear ! I am not trying to manipulate you in any way shape or or form ! Im just venting to tumblr. I'd keep my promise. It wouldnt be for you or for me but for us. Cause your right woman ! Its just better if we're both Christian. I know your gonna be thinking, "hmmmm, hes probably just saying this so I get back with him. He just wants me back. What an ass" and it does look like that. Thats why. Huh. Idk actually. I guess it is kinda fucked up to say this. Kinda shity cause then it would make your life 10 times harder. Okay so ignore that bit. Im not deleting it because effort AND because I said it / typed it with meaning and for a reason.
I get why we dont talk because if your parents find out they'll lose their minds and also because I'm pulling you away from your God things. But like when will I be able to date you. Ya know. Like even if I was Christian, your parents would still hate me. And if your parents forgave me. I wouldnt be Christian. So i get your side of life. Cause thats tough cookie. I wish our love could be enough because it is lowkey for us. Its a rough one. I wanna tell you so many things but i dont wanna jinx your future. I just find it crazy that you think your going to marry someone else. People have been saying its just because your my first girlfriend but I dont believe em. I felt a connection with you. Something I dont see happening with anyone else. You keep telling not to wait for you but its what I feel is right. Just like how you said it feels right to break up. I dont think this will last forever. We'll I wont be able to last much longer but. I feel like we've got this. We've been through a lot together and I'm positive about us. When I said us not being together would be a watse I didnt mean a waste of time or money or anything. I just meant it would be crazy for us to go through everything we did just to let (a big deal) get in the way. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU MY BOO !
Lowkey in the back of my head thinking this
I know I said these things but I cant hold you to anything. You could be over me and my shit and want another relationship. I have to deal with that. If you want some buff white english indie guy to come love you then that the way it'll be.
Deep down I want it to be though. Like I want to be your knight. Your dark knight _wink wink_. I know eternal life is a big thing for you and I'd like to be there with you to. I dont really know if I'll be accepted up in heaven. Even if i am a Christian. Im hard on myself like that. Id rather let more deserving people go to heaven. Idk why I put myself. Its just me. I just see potential in others. More so than in myself. I see my purpose on earth as a chance to help others. You know. Plus im sure when (i cant remember the name of it) the blue lights come down and take people to heaven. Im sure I'll meet you up there. Your just so scared of messing up like one thing and I get it I was like that 2. Id make sure everything was planned out. Truth is. I hd to stop being scared in order to move forward. Like after my car accident. I was terrified to drive again. I couldnt deal with driving. But i had to get over it. And I know you blame yourself and God for what happened. Please dont. Everything happens for a reason. I feel like that stuff taught me a lesson about being calm and calming myself down. It definitely wasnt God punishing you for being with me. Again not trying manipulate you or preach to you or try to change your thoughts. Its just my opinion. All I'm hoping you do is consider what I'm saying. I really truley am sorry about everything but at the same time. Everything that happened has happened and its made us who we are. If given the chance I'd do it again.
Also lowkey I'd love to celebrate 2 years with you. #nopressure. Like seriously I'm being serious but at the same time dont stress you cute little head about it. If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen.
My eating habits have gotten worse. Idk. Im lowkey scared im dying. I want to go to the doctor but its expensive and I've been such a burden on my parents. I'm pretty sure I can wait a couple years before getting it checked up.
My new glasses are cool. You have to see yhem in person. That another thing. I thought i wouldve seen you by now just driving or something. But i guess you only really drive to church and home. Or to someones house or like a party thing.
Happy 21st birthday baby. Wow. Your getting like so old. I still remember falling in love with the 19 year old you. Look how far we came. A whole 2 years. Youve grown so much since then. Firstly you don't bump into cars xD. Jk. You really have become such a grown up and I've been blessed being there with you. You became independent and youve become yourself. Its was a wild trip but to see you come out on top has been worth it. You deserve the world. And if anyone tries to hurt you / stop you, send em my way. Youre one of the most beautiful intelligent cutest amazingest bestest person in the whole world. Happy Birthday Boo.
The boo tattoo. We getting em together ? Also all your stuff is still here so if you do move out invite me over sometime so i can drop off these things. Lowkey your life is amazing and spontaneous and I have huge FOMO (fear of missing out). You don't to worry about me tho. I've been waiting to do things with you.
Moving out. Yeah. Its a big possibility next for me. I remember you originally said we can't live together which sucked but made sense. So. If you ever need a place to stay. Call me. I'll set up a guest bedroom for you.
I wasnt going to with your dad a happy birthday because you never with mine I dont think. But im not a monster like you. Jk lol. You probs just forgot.
Also it really sucks you cant speak 2 me. Your not an asshole. I just wish you could've helped me calm down.
Im sorry this was so long. I'm sure Ive forgotten things and said things I shouldnt have but tbh its been kinda theraputic for me. Like I feel a lot better having got thise things off my chest. You dont have to reply to anything yet. Cause I know your brains busy atm. If you can acknowledge that you seen it that would be nice. But ja. Please dont take anything Ive said personally or strongly. I just blurped things out and yes things do have meaning. But it takes two to tango. I desperately want to tango with you though.
Ps I love you
Pps Im sorry
Ppps take me back
Pppps jk. not jk
Yours truly
Triston Kyle Pillay (Penguin)
3:36 Vala is today. Shhhh
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Personal rant-- Long af just ignore this pls
Ok so like i have a highly dysfunctional family-- my dad works out of my country but he never pays anything for us; not even school/college fees for me and my sis and so on. My mother also used to work outside and used to give the whole fam financial support but now she's retired. Mom and Dad haven't talked to each other for over 20 days. Mom has a stress facture in her ankle and has trouble walking. She also once fainted at her workplace but Dad still doesn't care. Dad has never done anything for us yet he says he loves us and so on and moreover he used to ask mom for money now and then. My relatives aren't nice either-- my mom has three sisters out of which she's the eldest one and the second probably doesnt even know we exist and ive never seen her and she's out somewhere in libya and the third is very selfish and has a lot of pride and the last fourth one is a fucking bitch-- always cynical and backbites and shit. My grandmother is also selfish and arrogant and does not let a week pass by without creating problems. I think I have depression-- no i KNOW i have depression and that's not because ive had the symptoms for just a week-- ive been like this for over 3 years or more. Moreover I cut myself first when I was 11 and even now people tend to think we are just following an internet trend. I also know I have depersonalization-derealization disorder because I have the symptoms. I wasnt able to tell my mother that i even had depression so i made my sis tell her (she found out by accident because she saw my scars) and my mother didnt really talk to me about it and instead took my symptoms (headaches & mood swings + hypersomnia; sis didnt go into much detail) as something that was not related to my mental disorder and said "Change yourself". I had stayed away from my family for over two and a half years to study alone with my grandmother and my fourth aunt and they are very toxic kind of people-- they remain nice and suddenly stab you with knives out of nowhere. I've suffered a lot because of them and because of the toxic classmates I had in 10th grade-- I made no friends there. i cant tell my mom because she already worries too much. But she sometimes screams at me if i make a small mistake and cusses and takes out the anger and frustration of other people on me. I always thought that we are a family so who would we scream at if not at each other-- understanding and shit you know. But when I feel suffocated and so fucking horrible inside i dont tell that to anyone so if I get even slightly irritated-- my mom cannot tolerate that either. She's a very meticulous person so I try to live up to her expectations and sometimes I really wish she'd at least say "well done". It really hurts honestly. It hurts a lot. I didnt want to burden her with my problems so I never said anything. She always talks about how she has suffered and what not. If she was bring irritated with me (which is very often), and i told her to not cause too many problems because I already deal with a lot She'd say-- (no she HAS actually already told me)-- What "problems" do you even have huh? Honestly, I try to keep up with this family. But I just really want to die. I dont know why my family has to be like this. I have friends now and I am a senior and all my friends always talk about stories about the funny moments theyve had with their parents and what not while I have none. I always keep a straight face when mom tells me about how awful dad is. It really hurts because our relationships are so strained that it makes me want to cry when I see other people's parents loving their kids and having a happy family overall. I dont even remember the last time we all sat together and laughed. I always help people but even now I dont know how to ask for help. These past years all I have done is cry behind locked doors, put on fake smiles and cut myself almost every single day. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize myself and I don't feel like I am me or I am my own person. "So this is how I look like to other people" is the first thought that comes to mind. Because I was so alone I made online friends but most of them were toxic too and its amazing how I have not killed myself yet. I dont like how my face looks and maybe I am the only one who is not happy with her skin color. I know it shouldnt bother me but I am slightly chubby, have acne (almost no one in my class has that) and I am brown. I try to think positively but it feels so fake and i get even more frustrated with myself. When i cut myself i (almost never) bleed but it leaves scars that takes months to heal even small scratches but even now my left arm is slightly discolored. My mom wants dad to provide us with financial support and so she tells us to indirectly take out the money from him like some sort of a politician. Why. Is this how the relations in a family work? I have to act like i am not affected by any of this because i dont want to make problems for my mother. But neither does she have time for me nor does she care enough. You know, I would live on streets and have diseases if that meant that I would have someone who would understand me. Even from when I was young, my sister was in another country and mom and dad were almost always out for work and i would be left with my maids. I have never had anyone to emotionally connect with. I really want to help and even though I am so talkative-- the words that are important to say never come out. When I talk to people, I don't recognize my voice and if I do, it feels very fake and i dont even like the words coming out of my mouth. I have become so mentally unstable that I became so hostile to an extent that I was about to attack my mother and thought to just kill her right then and there and the next day while she was talking to me, i just thought "this was the person i wanted to kill huh?" and that really scared me. I have never felt any love from my mom's side and have never emotionally connected with her so at this point I don't know how it feels to have a mother or a father. It's the same as being an orphan for me. Even surrounded by people, I feel alone. I hate that I cant say something simple like "I am in pain and I want you to help me". Whenever I get really angry or frustrated, if I dont cut myself, I either dont eat or I just become very violent with myself. I think maybe I just tend to introspect a lot (if thats what its called). When i finally did tell someone (a net friend) that i had depression, he just said 'you dont have depression' and when i was trying to console his friend and just told him that yanno i had depression but shit happens so you shouldnt feel so down and stuff, he (not his friend) made a group with me and my sister and said that i wanted attention so i keep telling everyone that i had depression. It was a long time ago but i still remember all of it. I remember how my mother slapped me once so hard that my cheek turned blue when it wasnt even my fault. I remember she was hitting me with some pole for something I had not done. Once she even told me "why did i even give birth to you" when she wanted me to just check out a dress and show it to her and dad and i just had a straight face on and that annoyed her cuz it looked gloomy or my annoyed face and shit. It has always been easier for her to tell others she is suffering and to scream at me and call me a bitch and other things whenever she feels like and wants to. She has never said sorry to me and almost all the times i have kept quite and i never told her about how i had felt like shit and wanted to cry and had suicidal thoughts almost all the time. All I have been made to feel is that its my fault and i have even tried to stand up for myself but no one ever listens to me or cares at all. Even now presently i am hiding my tears for some fucking dumbass reason that I dont want my mom to see it because if i tell her to leave me alone she will not listen. When i get like this and feel suffocated, I avoid eye contact because it would feel so intrusive if someone looked at me straight in the eye and found out all my deepest dark secrets. I am not the positive, helpful, happy, funny, talkative friend/person that I show to others because its all just a facade to hide the fact that i am actually a very pessimistic and cold type of person. I know i would have the coldest eyes if I ever showed that self. I envy people who are happy and have happy lives and I despise and hate so much that I want the people who hurt me to suffer so much that theyd want to die. And some times i hate everyone and want them all to die. At this point i dont care if my family dies because it feels as if they are just some people i know. My mother has just become an annoying roommate who demands more respect than is to be given to the average person is all. I dont feel like i have any relation with my father. Me and my sister's relationship is the "so close yet so far away". Yes, I am trash and an overall disgusting person who can never be as good as others nor be able to give others happiness or make things better for anyone and cant do anything except create more problems for everyone and cant help but sometimes be too nice to people so much so that i get hurt and so i become a little too cruel which again fills me with guilt and there is no in-between. I really just want to kill myself because maybe it'll do someone some good and if not.. then its still fine, I wouldnt care because I would be dead by then anyway.
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Brotp: I Hear You/You Hear Me
Nate: "Fuckssake, Char, if I give you the hair routine wOULD YOU STOP BEING A SHIT?"
Charity: “....maybe. I can’t promise anything.”
Nate: "Fuckssake,"
Charity: “You hurt my best friend. So probably NOT, but I can back off.”
Nate: "Not like I fucking meant to hurt her,"
Charity: “...what? What do you mean you didn’t mean to?” Journalist mode activated
Nate: "Look, its complicated. All you give a shit about is hair, so lets leave it alone, shall we?
Charity: “I live for complicated, and that’s not true. I care about other things too.”
Nate: "Well when it concerns me, all you give a shit about is hair. In not going to open up and explain myself and act like youre my best friend because you're not. Youre a journalist. Youre no better than Rita Skeeter."
Charity: “You wanna know why you don’t have any friends, Nate? This is why. And Rita may write a gossip column but at least she’s not force fed ridiculous jargain from the Ministry and she doesn’t pretend to be someone she isn’t! So don’t try and insult me using her, it won’t work. I like to hear people talk about themselves, and things they’ve gone through. That’s what I’ve done my whole life so excuse the hell out of me if I am trying to do the same with you! You don’t wanna be my friend? Fine! But make sure you don’t screw over the people I care about because I bite just as hard as you.”
Nate: "Do you want to know about me, Charity?! Do you really? From the second I was born I've been nothing but a burden! My mum tried to smother me in my pram because she was depressed and as a result spent her entire life trying to make up for it by smothering me in a different way. My father has never wanted me, but kept me, because its the way pure bloods are meant to carry on a line. If I had been a girl, he would have helped my mother smother me. All my life has been nothing but being cared for too much or cared for too little. Finally, I went off to school and found a balance, where I had control over who cared and who didn't. And every Christmas or every summer I would get that drive and that individuality beaten out of me with my father's words or even his fucking fists. Maybe, if he was feeling really special, he'd hex me. And when I haven't any control, I spiral. And I have been spiraling since my 6th fucking year. I haven't any friends because I don’t think people would care. I don't want any friends because I know they wouldn't. What would they do? Say naught but 'oh, poor little rich boy,' as if I don’t fucking hear it enough already. Last thing I need it it being said behind my fucking back. I'm not going to be a disappointment to anyone else.There's your story. Run with it."
Charity: “Nathanial. Being rich doesn’t excuse being abused, and I would never *ever* tell anyone anything you didn’t want them to know. That’s a shitty fucking life to deal with, but nobody told you that you had to deal with it alone. If you want to be angry because I care about you, fine. I’m sorry that I’ve been harping at you. I’m just mad about Emma but I get it, okay? I’ll leave you alone if you absolutely want me to but...I’m here if you need to yell some more.”
Nate: -leaves for a few hours?? Returns later- “...you cursed twice.”
Charity: “Did I?”
Nate: "You said "shitty fucking". You cursed twice consecutively."
Charity: “Well it’s true and your parents are the worst.”
Nate: "Others have had it worse."
Charity: “And that makes yours irrelevant somehow? I don’t think so.”
Nate: "Shouldnt it?"
Charity: “No. Just because someone else’s issues seem bigger that doesn’t make it true. Your problems and struggles are exactly that- yours. Therefore, they are a mountain to climb for you. No one’s problems should be buried because of someone else telling them they should be.”
Nate: He would shrug and then be like "Extract of gillyweed." Which is him changing the subject.
Charity: “Okay, Nate.”
Nate: "No. Extract of gillyweed. Mix 1 vial into your conditioner. Wash with normal or volumizing shampoo, put in your conditioner in the ends, not roots. Let it sit while you wash your body, then rinse it out. Dry your hair immediately. Thats my hair routine."
Charity: “Really? Gillyweed? Hm. Thank you. I’ll have to try that.”
Nate: "It seeps in and whatever humidity is immediately turned into oxygen which nourishes the hair and keeps it soft, even in the worst weather. I was good at herbology."
Charity: “I always ended up sneezing myself out of the greenhouse...so I scraped by in herbology. The book wasn’t much help if I couldn’t see the plants I was supposed to be learning about. You should market that routine. You could make a killing off it, not that you’d need it—but it would be a good investment.”
Nate: "Maybe one day. If I get truly desperate.”
~~~ End ~~~
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The day before christmas I went for a walk through town. Thats what I told mom and dad as an excuse at least. In reality I had planner for that. On thursday I had had a Skype call with a good childhood friend of mine and I told her that I would need her to call me soon. So I let her know that she could call me and went outside. When I was sure to be out of sight of anyone I let the conversation go towards more difficult problems but I didnt tell her what my reason for this call was. We talked about her anxiety for a while and about how I am currently having some turbulences with my parents. When I got to the place where I felt I could stay for the rest of the call I got to the point.
It was really hard for me to put it into words - or to bring it up at all. I felt ridiculous like I was "aus einer fliege einen Elefanten machen" (overreacting heavily). However, as I kept on talking she started sounding more and more concerned. And finally told me that I wasnt overreacting at all and instead had a real and valide problem, that shouldnt be ignored.
The reason I asked her to call me that day was because I know that she has been through depression. I didnt think that what I am dealing with was anything even remotely as severe as depression I just thought I was experiencing symptoms that also occurred with depression and that she might have some advice on how to over come those little problems. I told her: "look I know youve had depression and I just wanted to ask you how you dealt with that." She responded with another question: "why, whats going on with you, why are you asking?" And I just started rambling about how I am feeling hopeless and dull and like a burden to everyone around me. Suddenly, she interrupted me: "do you get healthy amounts of sleep?" I told her that my sleep schedule is completely fucked up, not bc im not getting enough sleep and more so bc I am sleeping for far too long amounts of time and I still always feel tired, like I could go right back to sleep no matter what time of day it is. She didnt say anything for a moment and then said: "im so sorry but youre probably going through actual depression."
I immediately started crying, I felt like I was going to be sick. I didnt want that to be the truth. I had thought about it but always quickly pushed the thought aside. I am afraid of depression and i had hung on to the last bit of hope that it would be just a phase or whatever.
We talked for two hours until I started walking back home. I promised to keep her updated and thanked her for the phone call. I promised her that I would try to get help and reach put to a therapist immediately. I felt so relieved and crushed at the same time.
I spent days trying to find a therapist now. Yesterday, so five days later I called a therapist and spoke onto the Mail box. I was very glad that I didnt have to speak to anyone on the phone. But now im anxiously waiting for a response.
I still dont believe that I have depression. I have not been diagnosed by a professional. And until then I will keep hoping that it's not depression.
But a part of me wants that diagnosis. I want certainty. And I want to know that there is a solution to all my problems. And even more than that I want to have a reason for these problems, other than the reason that I have figured out: that im a shitty human being.
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