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jordm · 5 years

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Heartland 12x06 - Diamond in the Rough review

Let me start by saying... of course the horse is named Diamond. How did I not see this coming?!

Also, if anyone cares; that thing Mitch was using to grill steaks. My cousins use it and they say it’s legit. It’s some warming water thing which slowly heats it to the exact temperature needed then you grill it and you can apparently use it t make rice/vegetables/any meat. Anyways - fun fact.

EDIT: ITS CALLED A SOUS VIDE

Ty & Amy

We finally see Ty (and by extension Amy I guess) working at Fairfield after Lisa made Fairfield Ty & Amy’s first big client.

Sidenote: @the-real-tc brought up how Scott must feel about this... since Ty was (is?) partners at the clinic and him taking this outside job takes away from revenue from the clinic. & now that we finally see Ty working more and more at Fairfield and less at the clinic, I can’t help but wonder what Scott thinks of this; does the clinic get a profit in if Ty is using it’s resources? Or does he pass the partner reins to Cass? I NEED DETAILS.

Ok, back to the main point; Ty and Amy bring Diamond back to Heartland to figure out whats wrong with Diamond (don’t know if it’s a him or her so it’s a Diamond). The owner, Laura thinks the other stable hand person Tony has trained a horse to hurt her since Laura was promoted over him.

Tony says that he’s noticed Diamond losing weight, not eating his food and acting out; and when Diamond acts out and they see Tony treating the horse aggresively, Ty and Amy take different sides.

Anyways, Amy gets mad when Ty speaks over her in front of the police officer and thinks Ty doesn’t respect her. And honestly, I see where both are coming from. Ty sees himself in Tony in the fact that second chances are hard to come by and he doesn’t want to be assumed to mess up again based on the past. Because frankly, they didn’t see what happened before they arrived. I also see where Amy is coming from - she just wanted to explain the way she saw things and we know Amy really hates it (and tends to overreact) when horses are maltreated.

I really do love this discussion bc it seems like last season Amy was kind of a pushover when it came to Ty and his Mongolia adventures. It seems like she’s finally standing up for herself. Although... I think i’m slightly on Ty’s side here if i’m honest. People sometimes need to be careful to not use the word “abuse” especially if you don’t have hard facts. And in this case, I think that Ty was presenting the facts while also be more cognisant of not placing blame.

So long story short, it turns out Diamond was being poisoned by wild flowers in the neighbours yard.

Georgie

So, as we knew Kim does not want to fire Georgie but wants her to go to Switzerland for this training camp for 4 months and compete on the European circuit; although it’s costly & Georgie has to place well in all her showcases. It’s definitely an opportunity and something that would definitely be a benefit if she went.

Question: I’m assuming Peter (and Lou) can go months without seeing Katie, who is younger; so why not just let her go (cost aside)? I mean, this would be a good opportunity to visit Switzerland right?

Anyways, after Georgie being hesitant she finally comes around with encouragement from Wyatt and it’s really nice to see her parents both on the same page about being able to find the funds and supporting Georgie if she gets in. Poor Katie missing out on this family bonding.

I see parallels to Amy’s Europe story and I just hope (even though it did work out okay with Amy and Ty in the end) that if she goes, Georgie & Wyatt’s story is a little more.. stable with the drama on the jumping side. And if she does go, can we see it first hand? (eh it’ll probably happen in the off season lets be honest)

Katie

So Lou & Peter fly in for this meeting with Kim Price. I’m assuming from NYC & Vancouver? And if so, where is Katie? Is she shipped off for Lisa to babysit? Because I mean, by this point she’s basically a world traveller at the age of I don’t know i haven’t seen her in a season.

Wait hang on, Katie is with Peter’s parents! Aha, there goes the mystery... I guess? Anyone want to take bets on when Katie 3.0 makes her first appearance?

Hey, remember when Peter and Lou were acting like this with Katie 1.0 (also creds to @heartlandians for dubbing Katie 1.0, 2.0 and 3.0 - or whoever else said it first)

Mitch

Heeey Mitch has a storyline that doesn’t involve his love life but rather his partnership and Heartland beef! Anyways beef seller guy wants a meeting and they have an idea to have a BBQ and they argue over which BBQ stove to use to grill Heartland steak.

Me thinks it’s not so great to argue in front of a potential customer. But then again, Jack/Tim/Mitch seem to do it all the time and that’s what beef seller guy (whose name is Fred) seemed to like about them? It’s probably also not best to watch the poor guy eating the steak and make him choose which one’s better when it’s a business meeting. But OK.

Anyways, apparently Heartland beef is doing so damn well in stores his customers can’t get enough and they want to double the order - So... yay? Except Jack however, wants to say no due to compromising quality over quantity and Mitch doesn’t agree - he’s finally getting serious with Maya (and oops Lou overheard) and still lives in a trailer. The result? TBD until Tim is back.

For the record, I think Tim will side with Mitch. I also think there has to be some compromise - like maybe increase the order but maybe only 1.5x?

Wyatt

“Because according to a very not fake news publication, you’re Georgie Fleming Morris future Olympian.” - Wyatt

“What if the article got it wrong?” - Georgie

“Because I only date future olympians... you’re my first equestrian.” - Wyatt

Anyways cute exchange between the newly formed back together couple about Wyatt reassuring Georgie even if Kim Price ditches her, she’ll still be okay (even though we know from the sneak peek all is well).

It was also really cute to see Wyatt regretting asking Georgie to go for a run; and Wyatt encouraging Georgie to go to Switzerland even though they just got back together; and that they’ll make it through. And honestly, it’s refreshing to see boyfriends be supportive of their S/O’s dream and career. If she goes, I really hope they make it through with a lot less drama than Amy/Ty.

Peter

So... Wyatt is selling his buddies car and when he realizes it’s Peter, he introduces himself to Peter as Georgie’s bf, who apparently hasn’t been informed of this change in title. Awkward. When Peter tries the car out, he drives a little too fast, gets two speeding tickets and gives Wyatt a good scare (y’know as a parent of Georgie and literally because he drove fast). And then he buys it - and gets another speeding ticket. And then he sells it back - only to go for one last ride and get another ticket. What a saga.

Midlife crisis I think? That and a mixture of him not wanting to see Georgie away from home if she goes on this Switzerland thing (even though its only theoretical right now and he lives in Vancouver most of the time anyways).

ALSO REMI SIGHTING!

Songs in this Episode

The Road to Happiness - Evan Olson

Lawd Have Mercy - El Camino

Jump Into The Fire - Michael Logen

#heartland #diamond in the rough #review #12x06 #season 12

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theonyxpath · 7 years

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We made it!

Here on the very precipice of 2017, the first step of many along the Onyx Path in the new year, I first want to thank all of you for your support these past five years.

That’s right, Onyx Path Publishing is five years old, and 2017 will be our sixth year making books and the worlds featured in them!

And we could not have done it without you. Thanks so much!

The Company in 2017

In a lot of ways, 2016 was our year to build the structure that 2017 will be standing on and building from. We’re going to reap the benefits of last year’s work in this coming year, for sure.

We have a staff of five now, with both Rollickin’ Rose Bailey and Mighty Matt McElroy devoted to tightening our creation process in the coming year so that our talented creative teams can better roll through it in a timely manner without sacrificing quality.

We have several freelance graphic designers to call on this year so that Mirthful Mike Chaney has more options to cover all of our layout needs.

We have our Extended Media teams exploring getting our projects (first fiction) up on Amazon and other electronic publishing venues. They’ve been reading through your comments and emails from the past two weeks and are pulling together a battle plan for how we can help our community play our games on on-lines sites like Roll20 and Fantasy Grounds.

Getting Books in Stores

Last year, we ran three Kickstarters whose purpose was to get the traditionally printed books into game stores, with Scarred Lands, Scion 2e, and Pugmire. This year, we’ll see how that all works out even as we’re running a few more KSs that have the same goal. Plus, we are extending our list of available books being offered by our friends at Indy Press Revolution as both more Deluxe/Prestige books are added, and they distribute the traditionally printed books I mentioned.

(As an aside, some of you may not realize that Indy Press Revolution has both an online store that you can order from as an individual, and are distributors that your Friendly Local Game Store can order from to get a selection of our books into your nearest store. Please let your local game store owner know that IPR is one easy way they can get Onyx Path books for their customers.)

Samedi by Mark Kelly for Lore of the Bloodlines

Convention Appearances

The last couple of years, we’ve been fine-tuning how we deal with convention attendance; do we go, and if so, what is our purpose? Other than smoozing with our fans and fellow RPG creators, of course. Without a warehouse jammed with books like in the old WW days, we have to order and ship anything we hope to sell, so having that rare book from 1995 for sale isn’t something we can really do as an ongoing thing.

What worked all last year was to focus on bringing the new books and other stuff, and re-arranging our booth so that we have more opportunities for demoing and introducing folks to how to play our games. We’ve started linking our booth demoing to the games that are being played in the gaming areas by the Wrecking Crew and other folks playing Onyx Path games, and we expect to more of that in 2017.

Especially since, this year is Gen Con‘s 50th Anniversary, so there is every expectation that the place will be a madhouse. If all goes as planned, we will also be in a booth twice as big as previously, along with our friends at Nocturnal Media; the better to highlight Scarred Lands in Pathfinder and 5e editions.

We’re thrilled to start 2017’s con season at MidWinter Con in Milwaukee next week – check out more info below in the BLURBS! section. And expect to see some sort of Onyx Path representation at even more cons this year coming up.

Kickstarters

Yes. We will do some.

Seriously, we’re continuing to look at Kickstarter not as simply a funding tool, although that is always important, but as a way to involve our community in the creation and outreach for a project. We want each KS to be more like an event that couldn’t happen any other way.

Our biggest experiment actually starts off the year, as we are prepping for the Kickstarter for the Prince’s Gambit casual card game. We’ve simply have never done a card game Kickstarter before, so there is a lot to learn. Should this work out, though, it could open the door for a Werewolf follow-up, and/or at least one of the Pugmire card games Eddy has been cackling madly over.

We have further potential KSs this year for Monarchies of Mau, and then maybe Changeling: the Lost 2nd and/or Hunter: the Vigil 2nd, Cavaliers of Mars, What Fire Hath Wrought: the Dragon Blooded, Deviant, Dark Eras 2, and most certainly the Trinity Continuum. Maybe one or more card games, maybe something new, and maybe something almost 20 years old.

Astraea by Brian LeBlanc

Very Short Looks at Game Lines and Not Schedule Previews

World of Darkness: Like we said in August, in 2017 we’re really going to concentrate on getting the many KS projects we have started out to folks this year when we are still in kind of a natural break between major game lines that are at their 20 year marks. Plus, we’re preparing our ideas for projects that work with the new White Wolf‘s 5th Edition. There is a lot still unknown about all that, so we’ll all see how things develop together!

Chronicles of Darkness: We’ll be continuing the 2nd Editions with CtL2, HtV2, and Geist 2nd as well, and we’re looking at a series of Night Horrors books that bring back that idea of books featuring antagonists and other weirdness for the lines. We’re also looking at a list of projects still in the offing we need to deliver for the existing lines, and maybe a “bluebook” or two.

Exalted 3rd: We’ve been working with the Devs to create a schedule that works, and our team is committed to putting together a regular series of releases for EX3 in 2017. Everyone involved in the monumental task of creating the 3rd Edition core book devoted insane amounts of effort to it, and that very extended effort was exhausting. Time now, though, to get folks the new books they need to keep playing.

Scion 2nd Edition: We’re going to be making and delivering the KS’d projects. Gearing up for even more coolness beyond that.

Trinity Continuum: Kickstarter this year, with two whole lines starting there for the TC core and TC: Aeon.

Scarred Lands: PGs shipped out, along with adventures and the revised Wise and the Wicked. We’ve been talking about a new Creature Collection, if anybody might be interested in that.

Pugmire: Going to get it made and shipped, the KS projects too, and then the next books in the line. (Which we haven’t announced yet in order to focus on the KSd projects). Monarchies of Mau KS’d, and maybe a card game this year. This world has the potential to really go nuts, so we’re keeping a careful eye on both the RPG and the extra projects like the fiction and interactive audio drama adventure.

Cavaliers of Mars: KS’d this year, and we’re expecting a very cool and focused set of projects to come out from that for starters.

New Games and Game Worlds: Yes, we have a bunch in various stages of creation, from accepted pitches to being written. I’m not seeing a rush to release in 2017 next year with all we have happening, but who knows what might change?

Allright, that’s next year in a prophetic nutshell. If 2016 was any indication, any and all of this could be upended by surprise developments, so let’s figure that this is the path so far as we can tell, and start walking it and see where it leads.

It’s going to be fantastic!

___________________________________________________________________________

BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER!

We’re exploring card game Kickstarters, packaging, and components, for Prince’s Gambit. Justin, Eddy, a crack team of players, and our talented videographers have finished shooting the KS videos in Atlanta and are assembling edits even as you read this. Things look good, and we are all for starting the KS in late January so long as the process of pulling the KS together cooperates. If so, then Monarchies of Mau KS would be next, after Gambit.

ON SALE!

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://ift.tt/1ZlTT6z

It is now the preordained time for Dawn of Heresies, the Mummy: the Curse novel written by internationally renowned author Brian Hodge to arise! Both PDF and physical book PoD versions will be available Wednesday the 4th on DTRPG!

Open the V20 Dark Ages: Tome of Secrets now on DTRPG! Both PDF and physical book PoD versions are now available! http://ift.tt/2i1XOXd

The Tome of Secrets is a treatment of numerous topics about Cainites and stranger things in the Dark Medieval World. It’s about peeling back the curtain, and digging a little deeper. Inside, you’ll find:

• Expanded treatment of Assamite Sorcery, Koldunic Sorcery, Necromancy, and Setite Sorcery

• A look at Cainite knightly orders, faith movements, and even human witchcraft

• Letters and diaries from all over the Dark Medieval World

Travel with us all the way to the Red Planet for the Cavaliers of Mars Jumpstart: A Festival of Blades, available in PDF and PoD on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2biWBpR

Live, fight, and love on Mars, a world of red death and strange mystery, a world of savagery and romance.

Includes:

A complete adventure set in one of dying Mars’ greatest remaining cities.

The innovative DEIMOS rules, for high-flying, swashbuckling adventure.

Four pre-generated player characters, ready to get into the heart of the action.

The Advance PDF for Reap the Whirlwind, the Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition Jumpstart swirls into being on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2i1WPpD

You are a vampire, a junkie. Every night, you beg and you borrow and you steal just a little more life, just a few more sweet moments. But there’s a guy at the top. The Prince. He’s got everything. The money, the secrets, the blood.

Tonight, you’re going to take it from him. Tomorrow, there’ll be hell to pay.

This updated edition of Reap the Whirlwind features revisions to match the core rulebook for Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition. Text edits and rules clarifications have also been updated.

Reap the Whirlwind Revised includes:

Rules for creating and playing vampires in the Chronicles of Darkness

The first two levels of every clan Discipline, the dark powers of the dead

A complete adventure by noted horror author Chuck Wendig

This new revised Reap the Whirlwind Revised includes an updated booklet, 7 condition cards, and the interactive Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition character sheet.

The Locker is open; the Chronicles of Darkness: Hurt Locker, that is! The Advance PDF is now available on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2gbM9me

Hurt Locker features:

Treatment of violence in the Chronicles of Darkness. Lasting trauma, scene framing, and other tools for making your stories hurt.

Many new player options, including Merits, supernatural knacks, and even new character types like psychic vampires and sleeper cell soldiers.

Expanded equipment and equipment rules.

Hurt Locker requires the Chronicles of Darkness Rulebook or any other standalone Chronicles of Darkness rulebook such as Vampire: The Requiem, Werewolf: The Forsaken, or Beast: The Primordial to use.

Discover the long-awaited Secrets of the Covenants for Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition as we unearth the Advance PDF now on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2gbQjus

This book includes:

A variety of stories from each of the covenants, all told in their own words.

Never-before revealed secrets, like the fate of the Prince of New Orleans.

New blood sorcery, oaths, and other hidden powers of the covenants.

We have now added a B&W PoD version of the Endless Ages Vampire Anthology to the existing full color PDF and PoD choices! Celebrating 25 years of personal horror, the eighteen stories in Endless Ages range in style and aesthetics from the very first edition of Vampire released in 1991, all the way to the latest books put out for the 20th Anniversary Edition. http://ift.tt/2dL7Gkt

Seek the Cainite Conspiracies, the fiction anthology for V20 Dark Ages, in PDF and PoD physical book formats! http://ift.tt/2fMksQQ

This collection of short stories features tales by Vampire developers such as Justin Achilli, Eddy Webb, David A. Hill, Jr., and Neall Raemonn Price along with award-winning horror authors including Maurice Broaddus, Catherine Lundoff, and Richard Dansky.

Promethean: the Created 2nd Edition comes to life in both PDF and PoD physical book versions NOW on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2aUBEnc

You are a pilgrim now, one of the Created. You rose to life from dead flesh or inert matter, under the ministrations of one of your own, or a mad scientist, or perhaps just the power of the Divine Fire. You wander the world, sometimes alone, sometimes in the blessed company of your own kind, driven by memories of events and facts you never knew, all in the service of one Great Work…

…to be human.

Humans don’t make it easy, though. The Divine Fire that animates you burns too bright, blinds people, and scorches the land if you linger too long. It masks your disfigurements and makes you appear human, but that mask slips and people see your hideous, true form. The Pilgrimage is a long, difficult road, but it is yours, and you know, somehow, that the salvation of the New Dawn waits at the end.

This book contains:

The complete guide to playing a Promethean in the Chronicles of Darkness

Reimagined Lineages and Refinements, and a redesigned system for Transmutations

A more detailed approached to the Pilgrimage that presents players with more control over their characters’ path

New challenges on the road to humanity, including deranged, greedy alchemists

CONVENTIONS!

Onyx Path will be at Mid Winter Con 2017 in January in the lovely city of Milwaukee. Come brave the cold wastes to game and cavort with us! Please keep an eye out on the MidWinter site for announcements as to our very special beta test and Play With The Creator special events! http://ift.tt/Lfx9nY

Here are three reasons to attend, if you had any doubts!:

RPG Playing! We have once again convinced Dave Martin and his Wrecking Crew team of game masters to run a vast plethora of Onyx Path games. Everything from World of Darkness to Scion to Cavaliers of Mars and Pugmire, as well as a bunch of Prince’s Gambit casual vampire card game sessions. We have a whole ballroom dedicated to our games this year, so sign up and play.

RPG Playtests! Onyx Path loves to use MidWinter as a sort of test-lab for our games, and this year is no exception! Eddy Webb will be playtesting Monarchies of Mau, the cat follow-up to the smash-hit Pugmire, as well as a couple of card game projects he has been tinkering with. Rose Bailey will be running a playtest sneak-peak of Cavaliers of Mars, and Neall Raemonn Price may have some Scion 2e goodness to share.

The Onyx Path Gang! Yep, a bunch of us will be at MidWinter, and not only will we be at the intimate Onyx Q&A listed during the events, but we’ll be at our booth in the sales area, at other events, hanging out in our gaming room with the Wrecking Crew, or just sitting back and chatting around the hotel. MidWinter is a great venue to speak with us as it is nowhere near as hectic as GenCon, and we have fewer business commitments. So look for me, Rose, Eddy, Neall, Monica, Matt McElroy, and a bunch of our awesome creative contributors too!

And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM ROLLICKING ROSE (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

M20 Gods and Monsters (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

V20 Dark Ages Jumpstart (Vampire: the Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Cookbook (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

GtS Geist 2e core (Geist: the Sin-Eaters Second Edition)

VtR Half-Damned (Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

CtD C20 Jumpstart (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Ex Novel 2 by Aaron Rosenberg (Exalted 3rd Edition)

C20 Novel (Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Pugmire Pan’s Guide for New Pioneers (Pugmire)

Monarchies of Mau Early Access (Pugmire)

Redlines

Scion: Origins (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)

Kithbook Boggans (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Second Draft

The Realm (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Dragon-Blooded (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Wraith: the Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition

BtP Beast Player’s Guide (Beast: the Primordial)

Development

W20 Changing Ways (Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition)

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

SL The Wise and the Wicked (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

SL Ring of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Ring of Spiragos (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

SL Dagger of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Dagger of Spiragos (5e– Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Arms of the Chosen (Exalted 3rd Edition)

VtR A Thousand Years of Night (Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition)

Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition, featuring the Huntsmen Chronicle (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

V20 Beckett’s Jyhad Diary (Stretch Goal Content)

W20 Song of Unmaking novel (Bridges) (Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition)

BtP Building a Legend (Beast: the Primordial)

CtD C20 Anthology (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Editing:

CtL fiction anthology (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

Cavaliers of Mars

Post-Editing Development: Indexing:

ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

In Art Direction

Dark Eras Companion

Beckett’s Jyhad Diary

C20 – Wrapping up shenanigans.

M20 Book of Secrets – AD’d

W20 Pentex Employee Indoctrination Handbook

V20 Dark Ages Companion

Mortal Remains – Beast – AD’d

EX3 Tomb of Dreams Jumpstart – Continuing to get sketches and seeing first color comps

In Layout

Necropolis Rio

Promethean 2 Condition Cards

V20 Lore of the Bloodlines

Beckett Screen

Prince’s Gambit

Pugmire

Dark Eras: Ends of Empire – Wrapping it up.

Dark Eras: The Sundered World – Converting that over for PoD.

Proofing

Beast Conquering Heroes – At WWP.

SL Wise and Wicked Update

CofD Hurt Locker – Awaiting errata.

Secrets of the Covenants – Awaiting errata.

At Press

Ex 3 Screen – Finished at the Printer.

Ex 3 core book – From RichT: manufacturing continues. Waiting for printer to return from holiday to get update on gilding progress.

V20 DA Tome of Secrets – PDF/PoD versions on sale.

Dawn of Heresies Mummy Novel – PDF/electronic formats/physical book PoD versions on sale Wednesday the 4th on DTRPG.

Beast Condition Cards – Prepping PoD press files.

Cavaliers of Mars Jumpstart – PoD on sale.

Revised Reap The Whirlwind Jumpstart – Advance PDF on sale.

TODAY’S REASON TO DRINK: To a new year rich with possibilities!

#Onyx Path Publishing

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happyweddingblogs · 4 years

Text

150 Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds

If you are looking for some hilarious marriage quotes to add fun element to your wedding, then this post is for you. Here we are sharing 150 funny marriage quotes for you that you can use in your wedding invites, wedding signage, and wedding social media updates.

Source: Happy Wedding App

Let’s get started…….

1. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman

2. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” —Cher

3. “Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!” — Zeenat Essa

4. “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland

5. “Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” — Zig Ziglar TC mark

6. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

7. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” — Anonymous

8. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates

9. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip

10. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

11. “Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.” — Jewish Proverb

12. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” — Albert Einstein

13. “There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.” — Oscar Wilde

14. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton

15. “Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.” — Neil Simon

16. “Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce

17. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” — Carrie

18. “Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” —Isadora Duncan

19. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne

20. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Benjamin Franklin

21. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — NOT A BOOK

22. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft

23. “Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.” — Honore de Balzac

24. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne

25. “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr

26. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash

27. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” — Steven Wright

28. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner

29. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and woman gets her master’s degree.” — Rama Kochhar

30. “When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned.” —Marie Osmond

31. “Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.” — Beverley Nichols

32. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” — G. K. Chesterton

33. “Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” — Stephen Leacock

34. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

35. “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull

36. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor

37. “If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson

38. “They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope

39. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” — Eddie Cantor

40. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” — Booth Tarkington

41. “Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.” — Elbert Hubbard

42. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero

43. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” — Anonymous

44. “I married beneath me, all women do.” — Nancy Astor

45. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” — Albert Einstein

46. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” — Woody Allen

47. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” — Jerry Seinfeld

48. “Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe

49. “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” — John Wilmot

50. “Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.” — Yoko Ono

Also See:

Best 75 Wedding Love Quotes

51. “You can’t buy love on eBay.” — Anonymous

52. “Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.” — H.L. Mencken

53. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney

54. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

55. “Marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller

56. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” — Helen Rowland

57. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” — Billy Connolly

58. “The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.” — Ratna Deep

59. “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” — Doug Larson

60. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein

61. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

62. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

63. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman

64. “The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.” —Sophie Monroe

65. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz

66. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” — Evelyn Hendrickson

67. “True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” — La Rochefoucauld

68. “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” — Erich Segal

69. “Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.” — English Proverb

70. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” — Rick Reilly

71. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke

72. “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” — Brendan Francis

73. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Benjamin Franklin

74. “Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.” — Fran Lebowitz

75. “Besides chocolate, you’re my favourite.” — Anonymous

76. “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni

77. “Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” — Fawn Weaver 78. “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

79. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” — Thomas Dewar

80. “My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.” — Winston Churchill

81. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” —Wendy Liebman

82. “Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.” — George Burns

83. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops” — Henny Youngman

84. “They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” — Mae West

85. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” — Quote from 50 Cents

86. “Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” — Cher

87. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” — Cindy Garner

88. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

89. “They say true love hides behind every corner, I must be walking in circles.” — Anonymous

90. “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” — Joan Rivers

91. “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” — Katharine Hepburn

92. “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henry Youngman

93. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.” — Sigmund Freud

94. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” — Anonymous

95. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” — Catherine Zeta-Jones

96. “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” — H. L. Mencken

97. “Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” — Anonymous

98. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” — Jack Benny

99. “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” — Woody Allen

100. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” — Steve Martin

101. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: You have to start over again every morning.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

102. “Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce

103. “Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.” — Elbert Hubbard

104. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.” — Woody Allen

105. “Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

106. “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie

107 “I love you even when I’m really, really hungry” — Anonymous

108. “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” — Cathy Carlyle

109. “The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” — Anonymous

110. “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” —Woody Allen

111. “All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.” —Shelley Winters

112. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

113. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” — Ogden Nash

114. “Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” —Anonymous

115. “Love is a grave mental disease.” — Plato

116. “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.” — Jean Kerr

117. “A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

118. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” — Joan Crawford

119. “Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.” — Bree Luckey

120. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” — Helen Rowland

121. “It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” — Joan Rivers

122. “Love is the seventh sense, which destroys all the other six senses.” — Anonymous

123. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers

124. “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” — Anonymous

125. “People should fall in love with their eyes closed.” — Andy Warhol

126. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” — Groucho Marx

127. “In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money virtue before beauty, the mind before the body, then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self.” — William Penn

128. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener” — Pauline Thomason

129. “Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.” — Helen Gurley Brown

130. “Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house.” — Anonymous

131. “Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” — Tommy Dewar

132. “I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate – but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.” — Alf Whit

133. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry Me.” — winston-churchill

134. “If I get married, I want to be very married.” — Audrey Hepburn

135. “It is impossible to love and be wise.” — Francis Bacon

136. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” — Joseph Barth

137. “Marriage is a risk; I think it’s a great and glorious risk, as long as you embark on the adventure in the same spirit.” — Cate Blanchett

138. “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope

139. “To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.” — Mark Twain

140. “The highest happiness on earth is marriage.” — William Lyon Phelps

141. “What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.” — Pearl Bailey

142. “One should believe in marriage as in the immortality of the soul.” — Honoré de Balzac

143. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers

144. “Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill & not doing it because you’d miss them!” — Anonymous

145. “A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other the guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow.” — Rainer Maria Rilke

146. “Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” — Anonymous

147. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash

148. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” — From Letters to Juliet

149. “Marriage is a workshop….. Where husband works and wife shops.” — Anonymous

150. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” — Janet Periat

AND FINALLY……

So, these are the funniest marriage quotes which you can use in your wedding. These marriage quotes will simply add to the fun part of your wedding. You can even make your wedding speech hilarious with these funny quotes on marriage.

Happy Wedding…..

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