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#you can imagine my disappointment when they arrived and it was the keto instead
likeabxrdinflight · 3 years
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I cannot believe I have to become that pretentious person that’s like “actually I ordered the vegan chocolate chip cookies, and not the keto, can you send the right ones?” but you know here we are and here I am. 
I’m new to this dairy allergy thing
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choupetit · 5 years
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GOT Recap: Winterfell
Airdate: 4/14/19 ; Season 8, Episode 1
Ah, the long winter for “Game of Thrones” fans is finally over…and yet, the Long Winter in Westeros has only just begun.  After much anticipation, season 8 is officially upon us and “Winterfell” was the perfect place to start things off.  This episode gave us callbacks,  shade-throwing and a handful of much-anticipated reunions.  And of course there is that awkward moment when you introduce your new girlfriend—who is technically already a blood relation—to the rest of the fam.
Cozy up in your warmest pelts, because the icy cold is spreading across the realm and extending to people’s moods in this recap of “Winterfell”.
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First off, it’s worth noting that the credits got a makeover.  The Wall has been updated to show its gaping hole, and as we visit the different locations on the map, we get a look at the interiors – including the crypts at Winterfell.  It is…très cool.  They even take us all the way into Cersei’s closet with her clothes folded into perfect little Marie Kondo squares.  If you didn’t catch it, that’s on YOU, ok?
Homecoming
A young boy runs through the snowy wood and climbs a tree to take in the magnitude of Daenerys Targaryen’s vast army of Unsullied and Dothraki  as they march to Winterfell in the near distance.  Daenerys and Jon Snow ride side by side upon their steeds. Just as she did in the very first episode of the series, Arya Stark watches the royal procession amongst the commoners, unnoticed by the familiar faces that pass her. Her face lights up at the sight of Jon. She looks ready to call out to him, but doesn’t and her face fades to disappointment when his horse passes her.  Shortly after, she sees the Hound – if she’s surprised to see him alive, it doesn’t show. When she sees Gendry, however, a smile passes across her lips.  Yasssss, I so want these two to hook up,  I’m just going to put that out there right now.
The Northerners watch the army pass through, their faces stone-cold and suspicious, not much impressed by the foreign queen. But when her two dragons soar overhead, the crowd gasps in wonder and fear and Dany’s self-satisfied grin says it all: “Damn straight, betches!  The mother of dragons has arrived!”   I never get sick of Dany’s dragons gliding through the sky.  Arya beholds them with giddy amazement, but as the dragons glide over Winterfell Castle, Sansa looks on from the ramparts with awe and apprehension.
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When Jon and Dany arrive at Winterfell, his siblings are there to greet him – well, sans Arya, that is. Bran Stark aka the Three-Eyed-Raven sits creepily and devoid of emotion in his wheelchair, so it’s business as usual, really.  Jon greets his little bro warmly a la “Dude, you’re a man now!”  Bran replies with a monotone “Almost.”  Sansa just flashes Jon her go-to look she gives anybody meeting this new version of Bran. “Yeah, he weird. Just roll with it.”  
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When Jon introduces Dany to Sansa, the queen is met with an icy greeting.  Bran tells them they don’t have time for drama and need to work on a plan to defeat the Night King who has a newly acquired zombie dragon.  The Wall has fallen and the dead are on their way. Meep, that’s news to Jon and Dany!
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In the Great Hall, it’s time for another powwow.  Sansa, in her wisdom, called all the House Stark banner men to Winterfell as soon as Bran told her the Wall was breached.  The Stark siblings, Daenerys, and Tyrion sit at the VIP table, while disgruntled banner men congregate and give Jon and Dany the collective stink eye.
The first item on the agenda is Little Lord Umber and the lack of reinforcements he brought.  The poor kid looks about 10 years old and totally unfit to be the head of his House.  Remember how the Umbers sold out Rickon Stark to Ramsay Bolton? Grrr, but we can’t hold this little boy accountable for his crappy elders.  When he explains he didn’t bring his men because they need more horses Sansa tells him they’ll give him the resources they can spare and she sends him back to his home at the Last Hearth.  
Jon says they need to notify the Nights Watch at Castle Black to leave their posts now that the Wall has been breached by the Night King’s army.
Next up, Lyanna Mormont addresses the elephant in the room: The Northmen were pledged to House Stark and are none too pleased with their King in the North giving up his title to Daenerys.  They aren’t down to serve an outsider and feel miffed and betrayed. Jon defends his actions and explains it was all to secure the safety of the North. They can only survive by making allies, and seriously, titles do not matter at a time like this.  Tyrion Lannister pipes up that Jon risked his life to prove the threat of the Whitewalkers is real.  And Dany – foreign though she may be – has brought significant resources to help the North in their fight against the dead.  “She’s got the greatest army ever and two mutha-effin’ dragons y’all. Throw her a bone.  Oh, and House Lannister will be sending an army for additional backup.”  Booooo, hissss! That tidbit doesn’t tip the scale in his favor, as the North hates the Lannisters with the passion of a thousand suns.
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Sansa, who is basically House Stark’s stellar PR person, is also super pissed about Jon’s decision to bow down to Dany.  She has no qualms about looking a gift dragon in the mouth and gets down to practical matters. “Yeah, so…we don’t have enough food stores for all of us AND your impressive army, not to mention the giant dragons.  What the hell do they eat anyway?”  Dany turns to her and starts to explain how Drogon is going full Keto Diet right now, and Rhaegal is currently a pescatarian and may have a gluten allergy, so things are gonna be a little challenging.   Ok, fine. Dragon’s eat whatever the hell they want, ok?  Next question!
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After that super tense meeting, we see Gendry going through the carts of dragonglass in the courtyard, and Tyrion takes a moment to chat with Sansa.  They last saw each other at Joffrey’s Wedding – ya know, when Tyrion and Sansa were still married. It’s a slightly uncomfortable reunion between the two, but they manage to share a laugh before Sansa makes it clear she doesn’t believe Cersei will send an army to support them, and Tyrion is a fool if he thinks she will.  As Sansa walks off, Tyrion notices Bran staring at him.  Creepily…obviously.  Tyrion has a cryptic look on his face.  I still can’t figure out if he is in cahoots with Cersei.
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In the Godswood at Winterfell, Jon Snow is at the Weirwood Tree.  He’s startled by the sudden appearance of Arya.   They share a heartfelt embrace and I almost cry.  Jon was always Arya’s favorite sibling, and vice versa, and the only time these two were together on screen before was the very first episode of the series. Man, this reunion was a long time coming and it made me so happy!  Jon tells Arya he could’ve used her support when he arrived, ‘cause Sansa is kind of a bitchy know-it-all.  But instead of commiserating with him, Arya tells him Sansa is the smartest person she knows and she is just looking out for the family, as is Arya.  When Jon says it’s his family, too, Arya hugs him and says “Don’t forget it.”   Oooh, knowing what we know about Jon’s true lineage, it’s an extra poignant line.  
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Dirty Deeds
At the Red Keep, Qyburn informs Cersei of the terrible news that the Wall is down and the dead are marching south.  In typical She-Devil fashion, Cersei says “Good. “She saunters away with that infuriating smirk of hers.  
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Meanwhile, Euron Greyjoy’s fleet arrives at King’s Landing with literal boatloads of soldiers of sell-swords from the Golden Company of Braavos.   Below deck, Euron pays a brief visit to his niece and prisoner, Yara Greyjoy, who tells him he’s supporting the wrong side.  He retorts that he’ll just take his fleet elsewhere.  But first, he wants to bone the queen.
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In the throne room of the Red Keep, Euron and hunky Captain Strickland (the head of the Golden Company’s army) meet with Cersei.  Strickland gives the queen a count of soldiers and horses at her disposal. When Cersei is informed there will be no elephants in her army, it’s a huge disappointment for her and hilarious to watch.  I can only imagine the hours Cersei has spent daydreaming about riding on an elephant with friggin’ laser beams attached to its head and putting that smug little dragon queen in her place.  How do you come back from something like this?  
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Meanwhile, Euron jockeys real hard for a private meeting of the “Do I make you horny, baby?” variety. Really, this whole scene is an homage to Austin Powers, in my book.  Cersei shoots him down at first, but then relents and Euron skips off to her chambers.
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Speaking of horny, Bronn of the Blackwater is about to get some action with three whores.  The women can’t stop talking about their former customers who died in the recent battle against Daenerys and her dragons.  The fun(?) is cut short when Qyburn interrupts them with an urgent matter.  Cersei wants Bronn to kill both of her brothers, should they survive the Night King and his army.  In return, Bronn will finally get all the riches he’s dreamed of – and the ever elusive castle Bronn has been jonesing for.  Qyburn hands him a cross-bow and Bronn mutters “That f*$&in’ family!” Hmmm, will he go through with it? He’s known to sell out to the highest bidder, but don’t his good times with Tyrion and Jaime count for anything? And didn’t Tyrion once tell him that he would always double whatever Bronn was promised?
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Next, a post-coital Cersei waits for Euron to get the hell out of her room.  She is still hung up about the elephants and Euron wants to know how he stacks up against her former lovers: King Robert and Jaime Lannister.  Cersei shoots daggers at him with her eyes but also weirdly flirts with him before telling him she wants to be alone.  As he leaves, he tells her he’s going to put a prince in her belly. Ew.  As Cersei sits at her table, you can tell she’s scheming.  If she truly is pregnant, as she indicated last season, will she try to pass it off as Euron’s child?  Maybe she’ll push for a hasty marriage now, so she can have a seemingly legit heir to the throne, and then worry about how to get rid of Euron later.
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Back on Euron’s ship, Theon Greyjoy and a few of his men have snuck aboard on a rescue mission.  They kill the guards, free Yara, and commandeer the ship. Theon asks his sis if they're on their way to support Daenerys up in Winterfell, but Yara has other plans.  With Euron otherwise disposed, the Iron Islands are theirs to reclaim.  Plus, if Dany & Co. don’t succeed, they’ll need a place to retreat from the Night King.  Since the army of dead can’t cross water, the Iron Islands will be a perfect plan B.  Yara senses Theon wants to return to Winterfell to be with his surrogate family, so she sends him off to join the Starks.
Diplomacy ya later!
At Winterfell, more banner men arrive and Davos walks the grounds with Varys and Tyrion explaining the Northern culture and the need for Daenerys to earn their loyalty.   Oooh, might the North be in for a kick-ass open mic night, where Dany wins them all over with her Marvelous Mrs. Maisel-esque comedy set?  Sadly, no.  Davos’s suggestion is a marriage proposal between Jon and Dany. Finally the realm will have two good and just rulers.  Tyrion doesn’t look excited about the prospect.
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Cut to: Dany and Jon are discussing Daenerys frosty welcome - she isn’t here to make friends with Sansa, but she does want some danged respect.  Before Dany can go full tilt Aretha, two Dothraki ride up and inform her that her two dragons, Rhaegal and Drogon, aren’t eating enough. Great, like Dany doesn’t have enough on her plate, now she has to worry about her dragons developing eating disorders.  She brings Jon along to check on her darlings and remarks that they don’t like the North. I’m pretty sure that’s called projecting, but ok.  She invites Jon to hop onto Rhaegal – yes, the one named after her big bro and Jon’s actual father – and they go on a thrilling joyride.  Or is it joyflight?
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The dragons land in a secluded spot– it’s a bit reminiscent of Jon and Ygritte’s little cave adventure- and Dany muses they could just stay there forever.  Then the two of them make out.  In front of the dragons.  Who stare at them, making it both awkward and totally relatable for any viewer who’s ever had a hot and heavy makeout session only to look up and see their pet staring at them.
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Back at Winterfell, Gendry has forged a dragonglass axe for the Hound who serves up a healthy helping of smack.  Arya appears and tells the Hound to leave Gendry alone.  This is their first meeting since Arya left him to die back in Season 4.  I feel these two genuinely like and respect each other, but they would never let the other know, so the most sentimental line we get is from the Hound sneering “You’re a cold little bitch, aren’t you? Guess that’s why you’re still alive.”  Awwww, they really do care for each other! Once the Hound leaves, Arya and Gendry flirt ever so subtley. Gendry puts out some intense Princess Bride vibes when he literally says “As you wish, milady.” Squeeee! These two have to hook up. I’m just putting that out there.  Of course if they do, I’m sure one of them will die shortly after, because there is no true happiness on GOT.  Anyhoo, Arya wants Gendry to make a special weapon for her. She shows him a sketch of what might be a sword or dagger that can detach in the middle. Knowing Arya, it’ll be used from some bad-ass purpose in the near future.
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Meanwhile, Jon is back from his outing and meets with Sansa in private.  House Glover has just sent word that they won’t help and Jon and Sansa argue about him abandoning his Northern crown.  Jon insists titles are completely moot right now.  He asks Sansa if she has any faith in him at all, and while she says that she does, she also wants to know if he gave up his crown to save the North or because he’s hot for queenie.
Say It Ain’t So
In the maester’s quarters, Daenerys and Ser Jorah Mormont pay a visit to Samwell Tarly.  Dany commends him on his miracle worker skills in curing Jorah’s greyscale and indicates that she’ll need a maester once she’s taken her true place on the Iron Throne.  Sam’s the man for the job. The conversation takes a nasty turn for the awkward, however, when Daenerys realizes that Sam is related to Randyll Tarly, whom she barbecued a few episodes back.  “Hey, I told your pops he could keep his land and titles if he bent the knee, but he refused, so obviously I had to torch him.  You get it, right?” –“Well, at least my brother will let me back in the house now.” – “Ummm. So, about that…yeah, he’s dead, too. So. Um, should we join the rest of the group for some Pictionary now?”  
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Sam excuses himself to get some fresh air and bumps into Bran who is sitting in the courtyard waiting for an old friend.  It’s time for Jon to know the truth about his parents, and Bran informs Sam that it needs to come from him, as Sam is the person Jon trusts most.
To the crypts we go! Jon pays his respects at Ned Stark’s coffin.  When Sam arrives, he asks Jon if he knew Dany killed Sam’s family. The conversation escalates when Sam asks if Jon would have handled it differently and when Jon eventually counters that he isn’t a king, Sam drops the bomb.  He lets Jon know that he and Bran pieced together that Jon Snow is actually Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark’s legitimate son:  He was named Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name, yadda, yadda and  is the actual heir to the Iron Throne.  Jon is not interested in being king and is incredulous that Ned lied to him his entire life.  Things end with Jon declaring that Daenerys is their queen and to claim otherwise is treason.  Sam points out that Jon sacrificed his crown for his people, but would Daenerys do the same now that the tables are turned?  Hmm, looks like Jon has some pondering to do.  Gah, I can’t wait to see what happens next.  Will he tell Dany?  Will somebody else tell her?  Will they gargle Listerine for about a week and take hot Clorox showers (separately!!!) to try and remove the ick?
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Up at the Last Hearth, we see Thormund Giantsbane and Beric Dondarrion – huzzah, they survived the fall of the wall at East Watch!  Joined by a few other men, they look around the courtyard – it’s eerily empty with fresh blood stains on the ground, but no dead bodies.  They investigate further and hear footsteps down a corridor.  As their group braces for an attack, we see Dolorous Edd (aka the dude left in charge of Castle Black) and a group of the Night’s Watch turn the corner.  Whew, no White Walkers here.  They’re grateful to see each other, then Edd leads them to another room.  It’s a super grisly sight:  Little Lord Umber’s dead body has been pinned to the wall.  His corpse is surrounded by a spiral symbol made of dismembered body parts.  Beric says it’s a message from the Night King.  Might that message be “I have so many dead people in my army that I can just waste random body parts and still win this war?”  Cause, I gotta say…that’s pretty effective in terms of psych outs.  
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It dawns on the men that the Army of Dead is between them and Winterfell.  Fortunately, Edd and his guys brought extra horses down from Castle Black. With some luck, they may be able to get to Winterfell by horseback before the Night King and his crew.  I say the odds are in their favor, especially now that the Night King is embracing his inner Banksy, futzing around and leaving corpse art installations everywhere.  Suddenly, Little Lord Umber’s eyes open – glowing blue – and with a terrifying shriek he flails at the men with a dagger.  Beric raises his flaming sword and sets Snow Zombie Umber on fire – still pinned to the wall. The screams are the stuff of nightmares, as the whole thing – boy and spiral body parts – goes up in flames. Yeesh, that was intense.
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Back at Winterfell, a cloaked figure arrives on horseback.  When the rider dismounts, he pushes back his hood and…it’s a bearded Jaime Lannister. He gazes around the yard and does a double take when he sees Bran calmly, creepily sitting across the way, staring at him as though he’s been expecting him.  Of course he has.  They lock eyes and Jaime’s “Oh crap” face, is priceless.  Bran just stares back, expressionless.  Roll credits.
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Wowzers!  What a way to start the season!  I think it was all pitch perfect and it was so bittersweet to see the remaining Stark family members back at their home – all of them changed and hardened.
I was never rooting for the Jon and Daenerys relationship, so I’m glad they put the info about Jon’s parents in his hands right away. And I’m super curious to know if and how Dany will find out.  I hope they don’t draw it out forever.  
Now that Jon can fly Rhaegal, are he and Dany going to challenge the Night King to a high stakes winner-takes-all Quidditch match?  Meh, they got 99 problems and a snitch ain’t one.  But it will be interesting to see them both on dragons in a battle - assuming this happens, which of course it has to!
Mostly, I can’t wait to see what happens next between Bran and Jaime.  I feel like Bran is so removed from his past self that he probably won’t even hold anything against Jaime, since getting pushed out of the tower ultimately turned him into what he is now.  I feel like they have more pressing matters to discuss. Also, I want Bran to start doing a lot more greensight time traveling into the past.  
Last but not least, I’m gunning hard for a Jaime, Brienne and Thormund love triange.  I know it won’t happen, but a gal can dream, right? We only have six episodes left to go, and things are gonna have to happen fast, so as Queen Dany would say: Hold onto whatever you can, because this season is going to be off da hook! See you next week!
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