#yikes. sorry to anyone on this blog who expects me to be normal about their relationship bc i'm physically incapable of it
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Hey Dani! I visit your blog once in a while and I’ve seen you give really good advice and I was hoping you would offer some of your wisdom to me (or you could ahead and ignore everything and write about Alec drinking a milkshake, if that’s what you prefer. No judgment). How do you cope with insecurities? It’s a big problem for me and I try my best to love myself but I’m in dire need for advice (I’ve asked 6 other people!! I need help!). Thanks ❤️
Hey, bub!
I am sorry this one took a while to answer. I was not in a headspace to give advice.
Hmmm. Let’s see, insecurities huh?
Now some might not agree with this, but in my opinion, you can never permanently get rid of insecurities. Even if you do, you always find something new to obsess over. If you are finally over your insecurities about your job, then suddenly you would start to feel insecure about your personal relationships. My point is, it is something we do because it’s a part of who we are as human beings. We like to worry about things and we like to fix things - because it makes us feel normal and motivated, as if there is something to be constantly achieved.
Because if everyone was perfectly happy with everything they have and who they are, they would have no motivation to do or be better. So, we keep fixating on what’s wrong with us instead of what’s right.
You know these asks games on tumblr that say ‘tell me five things you like about yourself’? - Many of us find that incredibly hard to do. That’s because we are used to thinking about things we don’t like about ourselves instead of thinking about things we do like about ourselves. We obsess over thoughts such as ‘how do I make this better?’ or ‘why am I not better at this than that person?’ instead of obsessing over thoughts such as ‘yikes I am so much better than I was last year’ or ‘maybe this is just not my thing I wonder what else I can try’.
When it comes to dealing with insecurities, in my experience, here are some things that might help:
Rule number one is to admit them. The more you deny it and pretend like it doesn’t exist, the harder it is to understand them or overcome them.
Rule number two is to choose what you can and cannot fix. Like I said, there are things that you cannot change about yourself, no matter how hard you try and then there are things that you can change if you are willing to work hard at it. So, pick insecurities that you can actually work on. Be realistic with your goals. It’s okay to give up on certain things and accept that they are forever going to be shitty. Stop beating yourself up about it and focus on what you can change. Instead of trying to fix something that will only make you feel disappointed, try to fix something that might at least make you feel better for giving it a shot. It could something small like completing a course online or getting or a job or losing a couple of pounds or reaching out to an old friend - pick insecurities you can turn into strengths. The others that you can’t change and that cannot be fixed? Fuck ‘em.
Rule number three is to focus on yourself. One of the biggest reasons why people find it difficult to get over their insecurities is because even if we accept ourselves and make peace with ourselves - the people around are never on the same page. They might keep pointing these out, which might make it so much harder to work on your personal progress. In this case, there are two things I do. First, everytime someone says something negative about me (something that is not constructive criticism) I pity them instead of pitying myself. For example, I have an aunt who always make comments about my skin colour. Before, when I was a teenager, whenever she commented on my skin color, I would think ‘oh god, i need to make myself fair or why can’t I be fair like the other girls etc’ but now my thoughts are something like ‘we are from south asia and my parents are hella brown and I am supposed to be brown too how the fuck am I supposed to be miraculously white you ignorant imbecile?’
That little rant brings me to my second point, don’t feel about pointing out when people make you feel horrible about myself. For example, my sisters are much fairer than me (idk what’s the obsession with skin color smh) and they always make comments but my dark skin. So, now everytime they make a comment, they get a rant about the consequences of bullying on self-esteem and the unfair gender expectations in terms of skin colour and attractiveness. Now my sisters don’t make these comments anymore. I am not sure if my rants actually made sense to them or they just don’t want to listen my lectures again. My point is, don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. We do enough of that to ourselves, there is no need for others to make it worse. While you can take your time to work on your insecurities and get better control of your negative thoughts, do not wait too long to ask other people to shut the hell up. Your insecurities belong to you and you fix them or live with them or do whatever you want as you see fit. No one else should tell you what to do.
I hope this makes sense. I hope I didn’t overwhelm you. In essence, admit your fears, pick your battles and don’t let anyone tell you what to do. The only person who is worth all your time, effort and love - is yourself. So, make sure you give yourself all the time and effort and love you need. Do it how you see fit. I hope you figure it out. Good luck. Dani x.
PS - Alec pretends like he is above milkshakes because he is ‘not seven’ but the barista at Java Jones knows otherwise ;)
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Season 1 Episode 3
I will go back and do eps 1 and 2, but this idea came to me now and I gotta write it.
I started this blog ‘cuz I’ve heard such good things about this show. I was excited it was coming to Netflix, but I sat in shock at the first two episodes. What in god’s name is happening on this tv show????? I’ll type my reaction as I actually watch the episode.
Background: I’m a psychology/psychiatry researcher, I am no expert but hope to be one day. I hope to go to grad school to get a PhD in social/clinical psychology.
Okay I just introduced myself as a psychologist but this rant HAS to start with the deer hunting. I grew up in Arkansas and I know a bit about deer hunting, and a lot about duck hunting. This might actually be a good place to start because I have a feeling that what angers me about this deer hunting scene is gonna anger me time and time again.
If you take 2 seconds out of your life to google-research deer hunting, you’ll immediately discover that these two big shots are giant idiots. They are not wearing hi-vis (that bright orange) and are barely wearing any camo. They also appear to be standing in the middle of an open field???? You need to HIDE from deer you doofus they don’t like humans. Because we shoot them.
I’m sure there’s miles of metaphors that this girl is shooting a female deer, but to me it just feels like a huge eye roll. We get it they hate women. She also aims for the head??? One of the smallest parts of the body? You gotta shoot the heart baby girl.
Okay they are talking about how deer are like humans. If deer were like humans why aren’t there deer cities. And then just in case you did not understand their cryptic speak, Jumbo Idiot literally says, “They’re a lot like us”. Why, sir, did you waste my time comparing deer to humans if at the end you were just gonna come out an say “They’re a lot like us”. Seems wasteful.
WeRe GoNnA hOnOr HeR
Papa do not make me do this, DAUGHTER you sweet little daisy child HER MEAT IS OUR HONOR lemme give you a kiss mwah.
I guess this blog is better consumed while you actually watch the episode.
Will the hot, doggo man is once again in panties. In case you didn’t notice, Will says he will go “cover himself”, you know, like real humans tend to say.
This woman creeps me out. She reminds me of the handful of women who go into ABA to work with autistic kids and then claim they are in love with their patient/client. They have this need to fix people, they think they are the light at the end of the tunnel, the prophet who will actually reach these kids when no one else has. The way she protects Will and hangs around him, stares at him.
Oh hell yes Crawford. This man is certifiable. I absolutely love the plain, stupid US map on his office wall. Quality art. This dude... thinks Will is a savant who is walking the edge of a psychopath. I gotta say, what edge is he talking about? There is no spectrum that goes from psychopath to normal to Asberger’s. It’s like they.... did not understand anything about personality psychology or psychopathology. I mean, I can’t say I didn’t expect that, not everyone is an expert. This is just like the deer hunting - a few minutes researching online woulda cleared this up.
I WILL NEVER LIE TO YOU - OH BITCH SHE GOT YOU! SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A LIAR WOULD SAY!!!! This sexy reporter is the first person to say the murderer was sick. This girl is so smart though she would never talk to a reporter. Get outta the room!!!
You shot my dad so yes I do remember you, sorry. Why is she walking like she has been in a wheelchair her whole life. I love the little ascot scarf to cover her HORRIBLE scar, how nice. “I’m gonna be messed up, aren’t I” - what your character says when you don’t know how to show instead of tell.
Will grimaces as he TRIES SO HARD not to tell this girl that he enjoyed killing Jumbo Idiot.
I’m so sorry for my sexy reporting UwU. I can undo all the weird things I’ve done! Literally, why does the FBI care at all about this sexy reporter??????? She wrote one article about Will being sus as fuck and the FBI is like this sexy woman has to die. If I had been in that room with Dr. Lecter where he scolded me like a schoolgirl and took my purse, I’d be writing a 10,000 word essay on this creepo psychiatrist who wildly and without abandon “psychoanalyzes” everyone in his path and is enabling unstable people.
Oh no the graffiti, oh wait they did not clean the blood up yikes. Bye mom. Okay can we talk about how this girl is a better actor than anyone else. She seems the most real to me too. Everyone else is like wacko. Dr. Mom says we can go if you like and the smart, intelligent girl is like go where you bozo??? A homeless shelter? This is my house! Damn she is interrogating Will. Okay RIGHT after I said this girl was real she became typical Teenager with spite in her words.
Dr. Mom jumps in to protect her hubby-son Will who must be protected. LOL Dr. Mom straight up told the girl that she can share craziness. I guess she’s a mom only to Will. Everyone else can Suck It.
THE MAN ON THE PHONE????????????? OH BITCH SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DR. LECTER SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do people think this girl did this? Uh this man ain’t okay fucking run girl. Yes, piss off but also run. Oh he didn’t even have a gun what a loser. Ooh this feisty girl says bad words to her mom, another Teenager with spite in her words.
Why do we deserve to watch Will dream about killing girls? Honestly there are so many murdered women why give us more? Oh no did he feed human to this poor girl. Dr. Mom finally steps in, geez she really is stone cold when it’s not Will. Oh did that strange man kill her friend?
Does Crawford REALLY FUCKING THINK THIS GIRL MURDERED HER FRIEND???????????? What the fuck man leave her alone. Uh Dr. Lecter would be HONORED to privately escort the girl that knows he called her dad before he went crazy. Oh damn she’s still alive.
Sexy reporter is just allowed anywhere I guess. I guess she’s just too sexy. Girl close the fucking blinds there is paparazzi. Oops. BIG OOPS.
Classic man move - I DIDN’T KILL HER I WON’T HURT YOU *slams her against a wall* oh SHIT LECTER? I guess this show is good in the sense that it is genuinely exciting at times.
This is good psychology. This manipulation right here.
She’s like I think I’d prefer to stay up here as far as possible from you with my little scarf. This Teenager is gonna figure out the premise to the whole show and then die isn’t she?? Ugh.
Well, thanks if you read this. I’m gonna do ep 4 and eventually (or maybe never) I’ll go back and do ep 1 and 2.
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I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 24
Chapter Summary - Danielle and Tom have a dinner out with Diana, which is a pleasant affair until someone recognises Tom and paparazzi become involved.
Previous Chapter
Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)
Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.
authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long. This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.
tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller
If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.
The longer Danielle sat by his side, the more Tom wanted her to remain there. Diana, as expected, was heartbroken and happy for the girl she had seen slave through years of study and exams. “You are going to do brilliantly sweetheart, just like Tom.”
“Well, I will be staying very much behind the camera,” Danielle commented.
“I have an idea.” Tom declared. “I am taking you two lovely ladies out to dinner.”
“Wonderful.” Diana smiled.
Danielle looked uncertain. “What…if there are any…”
Tom swallowed, “With her gone, they don’t come around anymore, Suffolk is, once more, calm and quiet.”
“Well then, if you’re buying.” She smiled, earning the megawatt smile Tom had for when he was at his happiest. “So, where to?”
“Manzoni’s?” He suggested.
“Just because you have no mortgage, doesn’t mean you should take one out to eat in a stupidly overpriced restaurant.” Danielle looked him up and down.
“Come on, Elle, you deserve fine dining in celebration of your huge career change.” He urged.
“I can’t, seriously Tom, it’s too much.”
“Elle, I missed your birthday, I have been an unmitigated ass to you this year, and I really need to thank you for…well, that other thing, so please, please let me do this; I know how much you love their carbonara.”
“You know nothing Hiddleston.”
“Yes I do, Emma said you practically made sex noises at the table when you ate there before,” Tom whispered into her ear as soon as Diana left the room to get ready to go out. Danielle went puce red at his words, the deep timbre of his voice sending a shudder down her spine in a way that could be very much be accused of being sinful as she looked to the ground, not wanting him to see the embarrassment on her face. “Elle.” The manner in which he spoke her name caused her to gasp slightly. “Please.”
“I don’t know if I…” she looked at him, her eyes focusing on the icy blue and green specks of his. “I…” She forgot the art of speech for a moment, as his eyes focused back on hers. “Yes.”
His pupils widened fractionally and a glimmer of brightness added to them at her agreement. “Thank you.”
“I think I should get changed.”
“You look perfect as you are.”
“I don’t think I am to their dress code Tom, I am in my normal clothes.”
“I know, your River Island black jeans, your favourite t-shirt, your grey and black open cardigan and your, what appear to be yet another pair of Converse, how many pairs of black converse can one girl own?” He asked, his voice affectionate, his eyes not once leaving hers as he spoke.
“I just buy new of the same…you didn’t even look at my clothes there.”
“I looked at them when you opened your door.” He smiled.
“I…”
“Are we ready?” Diana came back into the room and froze as she realised the peculiar tension between her son and neighbour, both still sitting next to each other, and both staring into one another’s eyes.
Tom’s stare was the first to break; he turned to his mother and smiled. “Yes, we are. I just convinced Danielle to come, she was somewhat reluctant.” He rose to his feet, rubbing his hands off his pants as he did; glad they were dark enough to hide the sweatiness of his palms from his nerves at being so close to Danielle.
“I see.” Diana looked between them again, still paying attention to the tension that surrounded them. “Well, you can drive there, but I will drive home, my doctor said I shouldn’t mix alcohol with my medication.”
“What medication?” both demanded immediately in unison, their previous nervousness immediately dissolved.
“I had a small ear, nose and throat infection last week; I am on decongestants for it.” She dismissed.
“What ones?” Danielle asked.
“I can’t remember the name; they are made by that Pfizer company.”
“Yeah, no alcohol for you.” Danielle agreed, Tom listening to her and nodding.
“I was not aware paramedics are so up-to-date on pharmacy stuff.”
“Pharmacology? Yes, we need to know the ones that react badly together, and some react very badly, decongestants, plus alcohol equals a stoned effect and very bad issues with blood pressure, not a nice combo.” She explained to him.
“Well then, it’s settled, into the car you two.” Diana ushered them out the door of her house and towards Tom’s car. “Tom darling, your car is in the way, so we’ll take it.”
“Is there anyone not trying to drive my car?” He stated in exasperation, opening the passenger side door for his mother.
Danielle raised her hand. “I don’t.” Tom looked at her; there was some form of offence on his face as he did. “I would be terrified to drive it, sitting in it, however, well, that is another thing entirely.” She beamed as she got into the back seat. “Are these things heated?”
Tom closed the door on the passenger side before heading to the driving seat. “They are.”
“Fancy prick.” She grumbled under her breath. “Ow!” She yelped immediately after since Diana had reached back and pinched her leg.
“Mind how you speak of my wonderful son.” Diana chastised.
“Haha, Ow!” Tom went from chiding Danielle to yelping himself as Diana clipped the back of his head. “Mum.”
“And you, mind how you provoke my favourite neighbour, she is like a daughter to me.”
“Sorry, mum.” Both stated at the same time, causing Diana to glance between them and for both to erupt in giggles.
“Two five-year-olds, that’s what you are like.” Diana sighed, shaking her head.
“Tom started it,” Danielle stated lowly.
“Did not.” He retorted.
“Dear God, drive boy, before I lose my patience altogether,” Diana ordered.
*
The meal was a pleasant affair, and as Tom had predicted, Danielle had gone for the carbonara, and both having finished almost two bottles of wine between them.
“I regret the drinking.” Danielle groaned as Diana went to the bathroom. “Why did I drink fancy wine?” She held up the bottle. “I am going to kill you in the morning.”
“No one forced you to drink it, you’d think the food would have helped,” Tom commented. “Though it does seem quite strong.”
“Yep, look at that percentage.”
“Shit, I am not driving anywhere until after lunch.”
“Good plan, I don’t plan on getting up until after lunch.” Danielle declared.
“Better plan.” Tom commended.
Danielle pointed to her feet. “Down there’s for dancing.”
“What the hell does that even mean, you have been saying that since I met you, and I still haven’t figured it out. In fact, it was one of the first things you ever said in my presence.”
“It means we use our feet for dancing and our heads for thinking, obviously.” Danielle chuckled, as though it blatantly clear.
“Elle, thank you for coming out tonight, I am so happy for you.”
“Thanks.” Danielle smiled. “Thank you for helping me with telling your mum, and for the extortionately overpriced meal.”
“My pleasure Elle, I hope I can take you out in London some time, there are some great places there or LA.”
“Maybe.” She gave a small smile. “I am not exactly Hollywood.”
“Two Disney movies are fairly Hollywood.” He gave another grin back. “How is Paul about all of this, shouldn’t you spend time with him when you’re home?”
“Paul is in Africa at the moment. He goes for a couple of weeks every other year as part of a Doctors Without Borders thing. He won’t be back for at least another fortnight.”
“That’s noble of him.”
Danielle nodded. “Yes, it is.” There was a proud smile on her face that caused Tom’s stomach to sink. “So what’s next for you, movie star?”
“Well, thankfully Ragnarok is over, so I am waiting to see if there needs to be any reshoots, then I have a few more ad campaigns to shoot too.” He began.
“Are you home for Christmas?”
“Definitely, you?”
“Four days.”
“Yikes.” He gave a small grimace. “Need a lift from the airport?”
“Isn’t that usually my line?” She smiled back.
Tom chuckled. “Usually, yeah.” Danielle bit her bottom lip as she smiled. “Elle…” she glanced back at him, taking Tom’s breath away.
“We have a small issue.” Diana declared quietly as she came back to them. “You’ve been spotted, darling.” She informed Tom.
“Shit.” Tom leant back. “I’m sorry Elle.” He rose from the chair. “Walk out the door with mum, and walk to the car, I’ll see you there.”
Not entirely sure what to do, Danielle just nodded and got to her feet. “Darling,” she looked to Diana, “Just ignore them and pretend they are not there.”
As Danielle walked out of the restaurant, she realised that was far easier said than done; as a camera flashed at her time and again, the bright light of which blinding her. From what she had seen beforehand, it was only three men, but it felt as though fireworks were erupting around her over and over as they shouted random questions at her and Diana.
“Mrs Hiddleston, did you really approve of Taylor, or was that all part of the act?”
“Mrs Hiddleston, does this girl meet your approval?”
“Are you the girl Tom left Taylor for?”
“Did Tom cheat on Taylor with you?”
“Are you the obsessed paramedic?”
Danielle swallowed hard, her heart pounding in her chest at what they were saying. “Gentlemen, please.” Relief filled her as Tom’s voice from behind them.
“Tom, are you worried about what Taylor will write and sing about you in her next album?”
“Who is the girl Tom, did you leave Taylor for her?”
“I am just having dinner with family, nothing of note, so please, let us enjoy our evening,” Tom asked politely.
“Taylor is saying you cheated on her, what have you to say to that Tom? Is this the girl you cheated with?”
“She is nothing to do with any of this, she is just a friend.”
Danielle just kept walking, passed Tom’s car, and passed the side of the street, her paces fast, and her head down. She thought she heard Tom calling her back, but she kept going, arms tucked in around her. To her relief, the photographers seemed more interested in following the celebrity and not her, so she walked along, sobering up as she went.
She made her way to the taxi depot not too far from the restaurant and asked for a cab, doing everything in her power to not show how upset she was. When she got to her house, she cursed, she had no idea where her purse was, her house keys, phone and money were inside.
A mixture of relief and dread filled her when Tom came out of his mother’s driveway, her purse in hand. He ran straight to the driver’s window and handed him fifty pounds. “Keep the change.” He smiled at the thrilled man before running to Danielle’s door and opening it for her. “Elle.” She took her purse from his hand and walked to her door. “I’m sorry Elle.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” She stated, not looking at him.
“Elle please, look at me.” He begged, following her to her door. “They say that stuff to get a reaction.”
“I gave them none.” She answered coolly.
“Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be, you did nothing wrong, you brought me for a nice dinner, you came out to try and get them away.”
“Then I don’t understand.”
The words ‘She’s just a friend’ repeated in Danielle’s head. It had never hurt her as deeply before, she knew she would never be anything other than that to him, but Tom physically saying the words hurt. “I just need to get some rest; the wine did me no favours.”
“Why didn’t you come home with us?”
“I wouldn’t have appeared as ‘just a friend’ if I went home with you, would I? That would have added fuel to the fire.”
“Elle, I…I had to say that, they would hound you otherwise.”
“What do you mean ‘had to say that’ that’s all we are, isn’t it? I mean, we’re friends, nothing else, it wasn’t a lie.” she snapped.
Tom felt as though he had taken a kick to the gut. “I…”
“What Tom? What? We’re friends, nothing else; you are the big movie star with blonde, statuesque starlets at your beck and call. Of course they got curious when they saw you with me, I’m nothing like that, I’m no one, the idea that after being with one of the most wealthy and renowned women in the music industry to well, short, plain and anonymous, they must have thought you were having a sort of breakdown.”
“Elle…you’re…”
“Nothing, I’m faceless, and I’m actually okay with that.” her tone was becoming more high pitched as she became more upset.
“You are not ‘nothing’,” Tom argued. “You’re brilliant.”
“Tom.”
“No, you are brave, strong, independent, perfect.” Tom came up close to her, his chest almost against hers. “Elle, you are so much more than what you think you are.” He tucked a few loose strands of her hair behind her ear. “Why can’t you see that?”
“Tom…” she was about to argue with him when Tom leant forward and pressed his lips to hers, silencing her.
For a few moments, Danielle’s mind short-circuited, leaving her silently staring at him, as he tried to deepen the kiss, she reacted in kind, enjoying the feeling of his strong lips against hers, the smell of his cologne filling her nostrils, sending her stomach in a knot with anxious excitement. But when his hand came to her cheek, and he sighed in contentment; she came to her senses. “Tom.”
“Elle.” His voice ghosted against her lips.
“We can’t.”
“Why not?” he groaned when she pulled back from him.
“Tom, you need to leave.”
“Elle.”
“Please.” She swallowed hard, her voice breaking, “Please leave.”
“Elle.”
“Please, Tom.” There was no disguising the upset in her voice.
Heartbroken, Tom nodded and turned from her doorstep, looking at her again when he had taken a few paces. “I’m sorry Elle, I shouldn’t have…and Paul.”
Danielle said nothing with regards to her breakup with the doctor; she only nodded before turning the key in the door and walking inside, closing it behind her and allowing her heartbreak to take over at her pushing away Tom. It had been a mistake on his behalf, surely. She had no idea why he had done it, but she was not what he looked for in a woman, and she knew it. She would never be good enough for him, and she needed to accept that.
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is this too personal? should it go on my private journal blog? maybe so. but i don’t fucking care.
listen i know to fall in love is like THE PEAK of the human experience (for some people, or at least that’s what the allo world has led me to believe) and i do in fact know it EXISTS like i know true love is real and it’s out there and people are living a fairytale where someone will stay married to you for like 30+ years and they will do ANYTHING you ask them too just bc they think you’re cool but like.........the fuck of it all is that i still believe romance isn’t meant for me
way back when i started this blog when i was but a dumb high school child i would always get pent up on line UGH ALAS NO ONE WILL LOVE ME I AM GROSS AND STUPID! (which like...valid) and i kept feeling shitty bc everyone was falling in love (none of those couples save the one shitty one survived that hellhole) and no boys would pay attention to me (me, a girl who stayed at home 90% of the time, did no extra curriculars outside of guitar lessons, and did not EVER interact with the boys in her classes unless forced to) and also i think i just hated myself (still valid sometimes) ...wait where was i going with this...OH YEAH i kept feeling sorry for myself bc NO ONE WOULD EVER LOVE ME and it felt like some huge travesty that no guy would ever tell me he thinks i’m special and beautiful and that he would do my laundry for me if i asked (the golden standard honestly). which like...in some ways, might be true. i do think true love is special and i think everyone deserves a shot at finding that, but i think it’s been cool to see my views on all this change over the past few years.
it’s not that i don’t believe in love. it’s not even that i believe i’m undeserving of it or that no man will ever find me attractive (bc honey i am GORGEOUS and i don’t CARE). like i think if i put myself out there and did try to go on dating apps or meet people at parties or go to bars i COULD do it. like i DID go on a date last year and that guy was VERY MUCH into me. and it was sweet. it was nice to have those nervous butterflies bc OMG WAIT YOU THINK IM CUTE??? NO WAY like yes that was nice! so clearly it can happen! it’s a thing! but like...i think i’ve become more exposed to that stuff and i’ve been in those situtations and i’ve realized that i am much more aroace than i thought. i still don’t think i’m aro, by any means, bc i genuinely love romance books (which means i like romance yes????? who’s to say) but like...man the idea of being IN A RELATIONSHIP...it’s weird man.
what’s odd is that up until like...2008/2009ish i don’t think i EVER was fantasizing about marriage/falling in love...at least not like that, not dramatically. i remember in 8th grade i went to oh lord it was a BIBLE STUDY OF ALL PLACES and the girls were like “so are you praying for your future husband????” and i was like uhhh what and then i SPIRALED SO HARD after that bc i was like FUCK I MIGHT HAVE A FUTURE HUSBAND!!! WOW!!!! A WEDDING IS SO PRETTY!!! I SHOULD HAVE THAT!! I GET TO HAVE THAT!! THE UNIVERSE/GOD OWES ME THAT!!!! I’M GONNA BE THAT!!!! and like the fuck of it all is that if i had never had that realization, had never seen bride wars or started a journal to my future husband (PLZ LAUGH BC IT’S THE SADDEST MOST HETERO THING I HAVE EVER DONE AND I HATE IT BUT I KEEP IT BC IT’S A JOURNAL OF THAT TIME OF MY LIFE) i don’t think i would have spiraled so much in high school fearing i’d end up alone. like sure when i started reading romance books i got sad too, but i don’t think i realized until that age that like...i was so invested in marriage? (yes we switched from love to married we’ll get to that - apparently it’s therapy time????) like i think i always assumed it’d happen for me bc doesn’t everyone get married and have kids? (my sweet summer child oh boy the brainwashing was deep) and it’s like.......fine. bc marriage is fine. love is fine and great whatever. (and i had a great marriage to learn from) but also...........all those expectations were pinned upon me when in actuality what i’m realizing now is that IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!!!!!!
like i’ve been to a number of weddings now and i’ve seen friends get engaged, have breakups, fall headfirst in love and then fall out it just as quick, i’ve seen friends be single and have hook-ups and get married and have their heart broken and like....even though in my heart of hearts i know it’s worth it if you find it, i also know that i wouldn’t know how to handle it. like i’ve read books about it all, i’ve listened to the songs, hell i HAVE watched other people go through it all...but i still don’t know what mine would be. bc the fuck of it all is that 1) i rarely feel attraction to anyone, and i haven’t met someone i’ve been attracted to since 2010 (!!!!) 2) at the end of the day i don’t think i necessarily want a physical relationship (which is kind of half the reason people marry right?) and 3) i don’t think i can imagine myself being that intimate with another person.
is it possible? yes. maybe one day in another 10 years i’ll make another leap and i’ll be living somewhere like new york and i’ll meet some guy through a job or through travel or through some weird twist of fate and we DO hit it off and everything works out and suddenly i realize that i can only be comfortable with this ONE person and thus we take it slow and eventually get physical and get married and HOORAY ITS ALL FINE IM NORMAL and as it turns out the gut feeling i had at 16 was correct and i AM actually demisexual! could happen. i wouldn’t be totally shocked. but i also know that right now...it’s not a possibility. it would take a LOT for me to be in that place. and i think that’s the difference. ten years ago in high school i just assumed i was normal, i assumed if i got what i thought i wanted it’d all work out and be fine and i’d be happy bc I WAS IN LOVE. but the fuck of it all is that that first date i had? it was proof that you should be careful what you wish for. i don’t want a boy to kiss me. i don’t want a boy to hold my hand. i want someone to talk to, who likes what i like, who supports me and thinks i’m cool, who’ll buy me nice presents sometimes and see me for who i am and not run away. and honestly? i HAVE THAT. i have a few people like that actually.
what i realized was that what i ACTUALLY want, is for the butterfly feeling. that feeling you get where you’re like nervous bc the other person said they think you’re cute and they want to learn more about you and they’re interested in you and they SEE YOU and you feel the same way about them and you think they’re nice to look at and they think you’re nice to look at. that’s what i want. i want the butterflies. i want to be attracted to someone. i haven’t felt that in GOD so many FUCKING YEARS. i mean i feel that with fictional characters sure, but we all know that’s stupid and doesn’t count.
like i kid you not i’ve only been attracted to two (possibly 3, but i’m not counting the 3rd) people in my entire life. just two. (i don’t count the celebrities and characters and things although i guess if i did it’d be up to like 5-10 maybe) but like people i’ve met? two. that’s it. and it’s all so STUPID. bc it DOESN’T MATTER! like i feel weird being like LOVE ISN’T FOR ME I DON’T WANT IT! bc it feels like a lie and i do know i would like someone to fall in love with me. but genuinely, truly, i feel like a different person that the hopeless girl i was in 2010 bc...i don’t need it. i don’t know what i’d do with it. i don’t want someone to touch me.
the great thing about all this that i realized a long time ago is that this bitch is never going to have a bad heartbreak. and i know the saying better to have loved than never love at all.......but i do love. i love all the time so much that sometimes i can’t breathe. i just...don’t have that kind of love. and it’s okay. bc no one will EVER hurt me like that.
like i always said if i WAS going to fall in love it would happen ONCE like i will not be dating multiple people in my lifetime, hell i probably won’t even go on that many dates without finding THE PERSON bc in part i don’t put myself out there often, but mainly bc i KNOW people. i know myself, i know what i want, i have intuition about all that and i truly genuinely think that if i ever found it, it’d be that or nothing. bc i also think the person i’d be into would be similar. and i know people probably think that’s stupid and also there’s nothing wrong with dating a lot of people in your lifetime, in falling in love more than once, but like...i’m not that kind of person. i think part of me really does believe in soulmates, even if there is some level of free will in the world outside of determinism.
but because i feel like that, and bc of my very VERY private personality (who doesn’t let people in easily, who doesn’t care casually, who doesn’t give my heart away without protecting itself) i just don’t think i’d ever let myself...oh no here is a dark truth YIKES...i don’t think i’d ever let myself feel that deeply about someone.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well this is an interesting thought
which is the PERFECT start to a romance novel i might add
like i feel a LOT don’t get me wrong. i may repress my emotions but ya girl has a lot of passion a lot of love a lot of feelings for things. and i do love some people A LOT. like friends mainly. i love them SO MUCH (too much) and the ones who are STILL my friends...i have learned how to let them live their lives. i love them desperately, they inevitably let me down or move or fall in love (jesus christ it’s the worst) or whatever, and then things shift and i tell myself “hey you know what? it’s okay, you’re clearly no longer the most important thing in their life, so you can just pull back and not invest so much in them bc clearly they want to invest in other things and that’s okay!!” and then i move all my affection to someone else who DOES want it at that time, and thus i let people go bc i give them the space i assume they need and then the space gets to big and we can’t overcome it bc i don’t know what i’m supposed to fight or go back or try again or whatever and then they don’t fight for me (maybe bc i didn’t fight first, maybe bc they just stopped caring about me) and then suddenly...it’s over and i’m sad but i’ve put so much distance between us that i don’t really feel anything anymore. like oh my god what the fuck
literally my heart’s self-destruct protocol is that when i notice someone slipping away and stop caring about me i just assume the worst and immediately stop caring about them and then they can’t really hurt me. so the ones who HAVE hurt me are the ones who directly called me out and lied to me or did something bad. most of the people i drifted from who i once ADORED really only stopped being close to me because i thought they didn’t want me around anymore and i didn’t want to be annoying. (or bc i pushed them away bc i didn’t want them but that’s another thing) so like truly i think it would have to be someone being MEAN to me out of nowhere bc otherwise i’d just be like “it’s cool, we grew apart, i’ll get over it” (which i dont believe someone who really loved me would do) ahhhhhhhhhhhh
...
so anyway we all know this is hypothetical and obviously i wouldn’t know how i’d genuinely react if i fell in love but we also know that i WON’T fall in love in the next 5-10 years (prove me wrong by tyler joseph) but it’s fucking VALENTINES DAY WEEK and literally this happens every year bc i try and convince myself that HEY! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE IN LOVE DAMMIT! but then sometimes i think FUCK! I WANT TO BE IN LOVE DAMMIT! and it’s like honestly yeah mood....but they can coexist. i want to fall in love. i know i would not do well in a romantic relationship right now. i also know i deserve love, and i would be a great partner to someone. but i also know it’s all complicated and fucked up and difficult and i don’t meet people anyway and i wonder if my real partner is somewhere waiting in new york and and and and and and and i’m just so FUCKING SICK OF IT ALL!!!!!!! truly!!!!! i’m sick of feeling inadequate just bc i don’t want to kiss a boy. i’m sick of feeling obligated to fall into society’s romantic norms. i’m sick of waiting for someone to love me and treat me well when i have people who do that already. i’m sick of my friends falling in love, sick of people having their heart broke bc they fall for shitty people...i’m sick of shitty people breaking other people’s hearts for no reason. i’m sick of my awesome parents and their absolutely beautiful true love. i’m sick of being single. i’m sick of daydreaming about what it’d be like to be romantically attracted to someone. i’m sick of reading romance books and i’m sick of wishing i was in one. i’m sick of being asexual. i’m sick of allosexual people. i’m sick of watching people make out. i’m sick of my friends falling in love and then treating their friends like shit just bc they only care about their significant other. i’m sick of VALENTINES DAY!!! i’m sick of weddings!!!! i’m sick of conventional hetero norms!!!! i’m sick of love songs and dating apps and feeling like my worth is tied to someone loving me romantically. i’m sick of SEX OH MY GOD PLZ MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!
i can’t believe my therapist tried to tell me that i would always be a little lonely if i never had a romantic/sexual partner. fuck that. you don’t need anything but your friends and your family and your own self love. god is big enough.
I’M NOT LONELY I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND ME AND LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!!!
...
just had a weird thought that i can never be an authentic christian bc half my friends aren’t christian so around them i act like christanity is a joke (in some ways it is?) but i also can’t be authentic around my christian friends bc some of the things they say i can’t fully stand behind either bc i am a secular person too and it’s just like WE REALLY CAN’T WIN HUH GOD!!!!! i love being unknowable!!!! at least i have laura shes the only person who understands both sides that’s nice
oh my god i get to hug laura the day after tomorrow
...
anyway.
can’t wait to be the random single family member who shows up at all the family gatherings while all my cousins get married and have kids! i finally have accepted that i get to live that dream and WOW IT FEELS GOOD!!!!!!
#love#marriage#asexuality#demisexuality#vday#why does vday even exist#im not even mad im just like......do we need it#i love capitalism#personal#sorry if you're on mobile just SCROLL PLZ
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I’m afraid I have to disagree, quite firmly. I understand this is an issue people feel quite strongly about, but I’m not going to admit I’m wrong because, in this case, I have a firmly held critical opinion and believe I am justified in expressing it.
Yes, the character isn’t from the sixties (though, let’s remember, it’s unclear where he is from back in Hartnell’s time, it’s initially suggested he’s a human from the future if anything). But the writing is. And a few progressive shining stars like Verity Lambert aren’t going to lift everything out of the cesspit of human injustice. And it shows in the writing, including that of the character of the first Doctor.
Context never can be erased from writing. Never. And it absolutely, absolutely shows in how the first Doctor was written. Of course, Doctor Who transcends that. Doctor Who can transcend most anything. But it’s always there. I certainly noticed it a lot when watching the classic series several years back, and I have a far more critical eye now than I did then.
This isn’t reinvention. It’s just making the implicit issues explicit text and dealing with them. Hell, the show’s done it with more recent eras already (even eras by the same people!) with things as little as the Twelfth Doctor pondering why everything is called “sexy” now, or responding to Donna’s ending with Clara. The show’s always going to be reflecting on itself. That’s fine. That’s how it moves forward, and Twice Upon a Time is very much about moving forward, specifically to Jodie Whittaker, which I think is rather safe to call a progressive endpoint. And I’m sure give it a few years and we’ll be laughing about how the show was so white up until the Fourteenth Doctor came along and sorted it all out.
Take Susan’s departure, for example, which I mentioned the other day. And I know I’m just fishing for controversy here. I don’t like that feeling, but equally, I’m not going to shut myself up when people keep pushing me to voice something rather angrily like you just have. So I will admit, it’s a good moment. Hartnell utterly shines. It’s iconic for a reason. And yet, personally, I find it uncomfortably chauvinist in a way that is indicative of the era. The Doctor is generally overbearing and paternalistic towards Susan, but this is a particularly bad case. He has stripped her of agency numerous times and infantilized her, but this really takes the cake. Earlier in the serial we get beautiful moments like Susan rejecting the whole heteronormative labor thing, saying “I eat” when asked if she can cook. God, I love that moment. But her ending up with David, that’s treated as her way of growing up and living the life she should have. Travelling the universe isn’t good enough, I suppose, nor leaving on your own terms. You’ve gotta be dumped off to be the housewife of the first man who gives you googly eyes. I get the feeling if we were to see a televised continuation of that at the time, it’d be about her learning to cook and clean and raise children and become a good little wife.
Seriously, those lines are loaded. “I want you to belong somewhere, to have roots of your own. With David, you’ll be able to find those roots and live normally like any woman should do.” Yikes. Gotta be a wife and give up adventuring to be fulfilled, apparently. It’s not cruelly intended or anything, it’s just good old fashioned gendered expectations of the time. Meant sweetly, but from a modern eye, horrific. Same as the spring cleaning line David Bradley has, sweet and harmless in the sixties, eyebrow raising now. It’s implicit, culturally ingrained chauvinism, that wouldn’t impact an alien from the future, but would absolutely impact how men (and let’s not pretend otherwise, it was overwhelmingly men writing, directing, and producing) would represent one.
It’s not something active or malicious, but it is, in my perspective, something that does happen a lot in the era. Not big things, just a bunch of little ones. That happens to pretty much all fiction, impacted by its context. And it seems like those little things will give birth to little reflective moments in a bigger and more interesting episode.
At the end of the day, though, really, I just want to be excited about my favorite show having one of my favorite Doctors return to close off one of my favorite eras.
Weeeeelll, let’s start by pointing out the fact you are wrong when saying it’s unclear where the Doctor comes from. In the unaired pilot, Susan straight up says she was born in the 49th century. She also calls Ian and Barbara “Earth people” and the Docco says he is “of a different race”. If the unaired pilot is not canon enough for you, I will use examples from the aired pilot. In which the Doctor says “the children of my civilization” and “I tolerate this century but I don’t enjoy it”. So however you got “sexist 60s human” from that is beyound me. While they didn’t have a name for Gallifrey at the time, they explicitly said he is from another planet and from the future. And even if THAT’S not enough proof for you, I should argue that whether or not they knew where he was from at the beginning is actually totally irrelevant. The point is, we know now and the story is being written now. So, hypothetically speaking, if One did ever say something sexist in his days, it was because of the time period it was written in and not because it’s something the Doctor would say. So why make him say it now? We know the Doctor now and there would be no need to point out something that isn’t actually part of him.
You seem to be totally missing the point, however. The show is not reflecting on itself. The First Doctor has never shown an ounce of distaste or disrespect for someone based on their gender. He has never made a comment that comes off as sexiest. They are adding a character trait that was not there before for the sole purpose of being woke. Now, I’m doing this paragraph by paragraph, so I’m waiting to get to the part where you give me actual context from the show because so far it’s just been fancy words and generalizations.
AH! But here we go. Yes, let’s take Susan’s departure. But before we do, may I go to “I’m not going to shut myself up when people keep pushing me to voice something rather angrily like you just have” because did I in no way encourage you to become angry over this. I was telling you, as a One stan, the view point we have. If it came off as rude, I’m sorry, but that’s what voicing your opinion over the Internet does. And perhaps, my friend, as an analysis blog who posts opinions and replies to anons, you should understand this. I did not and do not have malicious intentions. I simply want to clear this up and clear the name of my favourite Doctor.
Whom you are trying to convince me is okay to completely destroy for the sake of unnecessary relevance. So if anyone should be angry, it’s me. But I’m not. I want to do this as civil as possible.
Now, back to Susan.
“The Doctor is generally overbearing and paternalistic towards Susan”
Pardon my French but, ehem, no shit. He is her grandfather and she is the last thing he has of his family and his home planet. Naturally, he would want to protect her. Whether I think it’s overbearing, no. I suppose that’s a matter of opinion. I think he has a reasonable level that any grandfather with his grandchild in dangerous situations would have. I believe the words you are looking for is protective and love. In fact, using Susan is a rather awful example because she was the one person he initially only showed affection for. Of course, he gained affection for Ian and Barbara when they all became besties, but from day one, Susan was the one he was the softest on.
“Earlier in the serial we get beautiful moments like Susan rejecting the whole heteronormative labor thing, saying “I eat” when asked if she can cook.”
I’m sorry I had to pause for a second because I think you might be looking too much into this. I’m 99% sure that was comic relief at best. What’s the opposite of cooking? Eating. What’s the key to comedy? Opposites.
“But her ending up with David, that’s treated as her way of growing up and living the life she should have. Travelling the universe isn’t good enough, I suppose, nor leaving on your own terms. You’ve gotta be dumped off to be the housewife of the first man who gives you googly eyes. I get the feeling if we were to see a televised continuation of that at the time, it’d be about her learning to cook and clean and raise children and become a good little wife.”
I understand your job is to analyze, but the thing is, this scene isn’t that complicated. The Doctor did not leave Susan with David because David fancied her. She did not stay to become a good little wife or because it’s the “role of a woman” to look after a man/children. The whole point was that the Doctor felt he was dragging her down. Susan expressed numerous times that she wanted a place to belong, somewhere to stay and not have to keep moving around. The trouble was, she felt so attached and protective of her grandfather that she couldn’t bare to leave him. The Doctor, however, selflessly, forces her to stay. Because he knows she could do good in this time period and he knows she would be happy here (which she was). But he also knew she was too loyal to leave him. It had nothing to do with romance. It was a good place to give her what she wanted. It had to do with the Doctor giving up the one person he cared most about to let her live the life she wanted and make her not feel obligated to take care of him.
Which. Funnily enough. Is the opposite of chauvinism.
“I want you to belong somewhere, to have roots of your own.” Because that’s straight up what she has been asking for for the past few episodes.
“Yikes. Gotta be a wife and give up adventuring to be fulfilled, apparently.” Nope. Because once again, Susan expressed that she wasn’t fulfilled by adventure and wanted to belong somewhere. Because, believe it or not, people all want different things. Not everybody wants adventure. Some people want roots. This, of course, all coming from her trauma of being pulled from her home planet and exiled into a stolen time machine where she proceeded to go on adventures in which she watched friends and her grandfather nearly die multiple times. So no, it has nothing to do with being a good little wifey but instead, wanting to be home somewhere. Sort of like when you take a long vacation and you just want to get to your own bed. But Gallifrey is off limits because it didn’t exist at the time of writing so the Doctor gave her a new home.
“that wouldn’t impact an alien from the future, but would absolutely impact how men (and let’s not pretend otherwise, it was overwhelmingly men writing, directing, and producing) would represent one.” Yes, which is a totally valid argument considering Verity Lambert, a female, produced the episode. And like.................. all of Hartnell’s era. Most of it, anyway. Up until Mission of the Unknown. Also, fun fact, Verity was one of the first women to be awarded role as a full time producer in television. So, y’know, Doctor Who was also built on powerful females in charge.
“It’s not something active or malicious, but it is, in my perspective, something that does happen a lot in the era. Not big things, just a bunch of little ones.” Lots of little things you haven’t named. I, personally, cannot think of any. And neither can you, apparently, as the one example you did give wasn’t actually an act of sexism.
If One is truly one of your favourite Doctors, you shouldn’t be excited for what Moffat is going to do to him. Because a true One fan knows this is not something he would do. He adored his companions, he never once said an offhanded chauvinistic line to them. And ESPECIALLY not with the intentions of it being such.
And, once again, even if you can come up with a valid example that perhaps I may have forgotten about as there IS a lot of Classic Who, I would like to go back to my original statement by saying any slightly, offhanded sexist remarks would yes, be because of the time period it was written in. However, just because they did it back then doesn’t mean we have to do it today. If you go out and call someone a racial slur and say “Sorry! They did it in the 60s and I’m just trying to make a point that it’s offensive now” doesn’t actually help anything. You still were an asshole to somebody, somebody got hurt, and nothing was gained, because yeah, no shit it’s offensive. The fact that Moffat would even think of adding such a plot device despite it not legitimately being a part of the First Doctor’s personality, says more about Moffat than it does about the writers of the 60s/The First Doctor. He’s essentially doing what writers in the 60s did and then pulling himself back up and going “It’s okay! I know this is wrong!” Good for you, Moff. We didn’t need to know that because it affects Doctor Who in no way and reflects on something that never existed.
As someone who likes Moffat, you should be thankful I disagree with this. Because if he didn’t do it to begin with, he would’ve saved himself some dumbassery.
Also it’s 2am so this is a mess, forgive me.
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Okay so I was tagged by @fairieswithoutwings to do one of those like “get to know me” kind of post things, which like wow, I’m surprised that I was tagged in one of these! Like I didn’t ever expect to be so it’s pretty cool! Thanks!! :)
Anyyyywayyyyssss...
Name/nickname/whatever you prefer to be called?
My friends usually just call me by my full name, Mackenzie, but sometimes they call me ‘Mack’. Some of my soccer coaches in the past have called me ‘G’ or “Gal’ because of my last name but yeah, I don’t really go by nicknames that much. Wouldn’t mind it though!
Pronouns?
She/Her :)
Age?
I’m currently 17 (a little more than 4 months away from 18 though, but who’s counting?) (Me. I’m counting. I’m definitely counting)
Fav Skam character?
This is SUCH a tough question oh man. (I love them all is that an acceptable answer? lol) Ummm... I’m gonna have to go with either Isak or Even, as cliche as it seems. When I saw Isak in season one he was this cute, adorable, little bean and I dunno, it was kinda just love at first sight lol. And then in season three, my love for him just grew and grew and grew because throughout his season we see him going through some tough shit and the way he handles most of it and becomes more aware of things and is open to learning and exploring things is very admirable. Like ofc he definitely speaks before he thinks about what he’s going to say sometimes, like the comments he makes to Eskild about gay pride, and also the comment to Even in the locker room (we all know exactly what I’m talking about here), but the thing is, he doesn’t just let them go or deny that he said those things. He actively takes responsibility for them and realizes that he messed up or said something wrong and he tries to fix it, and I think that’s really important. He does a lot of growing and learning and I just love that he’s willing to do that growing and learning. Also, I really love how despite how much he tries to make himself seem like this ‘cool’ guy, like ‘look at me I wear snapbacks and listen to ‘90s hip hop and smoke weed’, he’s really just this big loving dork who gets blushy and embarrassed and is actually really intelligent and loves biology and old memes (honestly tho boy, you gotta get updated on your meme collection it’s looking very #yike) and has a soft spot for his friends. Like I just really love Isak.
Okay and Even. Damn, where do I begin with Even? He’s such a complex character and I actually love that so much, like there are so many different layers to him and I felt like every episode we peeled one back and found another waiting to be explored. I really really love how he’s so much more than just the love interest. Like a lot of shows bring on a character as the love interest for the main character and they’re kind of just there and don’t really have that much background to them. But with Even... oh mannnn. Boy do we get background. He’s more than just Isak’s love interest and that makes me really appreciative. I also think his mental illness was dealt with in such a wonderful way. Now, I’m no expert on mental illnesses, but I feel like they did a fantastic job at portraying one. It seemed very real and I loved how it wasn’t just boom he had an episode which we didn’t witness and everything’s suddenly better within a day. Like even I know that’s not how it is, and they didn’t do that. They showed the good and the bad and I think that made me fall in love with Even too. Seeing the good and the bad just showed that he’s not perfect, nobody is, and we all have to go through shit. It’s part of life. And that just made him seem even more real. Also, I love how as the season progressed he became more real. Like in the beginning, since we’re seeing everything through Isak’s eyes, Even kinda appears like this gorgeous ‘way outta my league’ kind of guy, like he was the epitome of cool, super untouchable, right. But then throughout the episodes that air of ‘too cool’ kinda disappeared and once again we were left with this absolute dork, who loves movies and cooking and Gabrielle, who gets insecure about things too, who isn’t as perfect as we originally thought. Like I just want to be his best friend and sit and talk with him for hours about everything under the sun (god, he would be such a good conversationalist omg. He definitely strikes me as that person that can literally talk about anything and everything that comes to mind and actually make that conversation enjoyable. Like he could probably bring up like some dumb math theorum or whatever and I’d be intrigued lol). He’s precious and needs to be protected at all costs. (Honestly I could talk about him for HOURS. Hmu if ya wanna tho lol I’d be up for it)
When did you start watching Skam?
Okay so I started watching Skam midway through season 3, so episode 6 was the first episode I watched in ‘real time’. I was on Tumblr one day (instead of doing my homework... which is kind of what I’m doing now... lol sorry AP Gov, you’re not important right now) and I was scrolling through my dash and I kept seeing a bunch of posts with these two boys cuddling together (that first clip from episode 5 you know the one ;)) and I reblogged a couple of them even though I had no idea what this show was yet, but I remember thinking to myself okay s’cute I’ll check it out. And that’s when I fell down the rabbit hole lol. No, but honestly? Best decision I ever made. I remember it was the first day of Thanksgiving break when I found this show and I watched all of season 3 as of then that night, then Tuesday night I went back and watched season 1, Wednesday I watched all of season 2, and then Thursday I rewatched season 3 so I’d be ready for the new episode on Friday. And I was Hooked™.
When did you make your blog?
Oh god, ummm, I honestly have no idea the date (or even the year for that matter lol). I know I’ve had it a few years though. I used to be a hardcore One Direction account, I shipped Larry (not super extra about it though I was super chill), like I was so invested in that band omfg, but now I kinda don’t care what’s going on with them? Like, I just gradually stopped caring. I stopped constantly checking for updates and now when new stuff happens I’m kinda just like oh okay cool whatever. Like I’m not badmouthing them, I still enjoy their music and all, I just stopped being obsessive I suppose. Which, I’m kinda glad about tbh lol. Idk I just don’t think it was very good to be that invested. But yeah, now this blog is kinda a mosh of different stuff I like. Like rn it’s mainly Skam but I’ll post about Harry Potter or Marvel or Sherlock.
Who are you cheering for to be s4′s main?
EVEN. Oh my god you have no idea how much I want Even to be the main. Like I’m probably HELLA getting my hopes up and I’m gonna be super disappointed if it’s not him (mainly bc I’m so convinced he should be (but ofc I’m gonna be thrilled with whoever they do choose!!)) But yeah, there’s just so many reasons why he should be the main. Like I said earlier he’s a super complex character and I feel like we’ve only scratched the surface. Like there’s so many things we don’t know about him and I’m so damn curious to find out everything about him. I also think it would be really cool if we had a season from the point of view of someone with a mental illness so we could see how normal they are. Because people sometimes think that just because someone’s mentally ill or something like that that they’re totally different, but in reality they’re probably not that different from you and me. I think it would provide so much exposure for that and be super informative and helpful and just lovely, because Skam always does the loveliest job portraying things. Not to mention, he’s graduating this year and I think it would be so good to see him successfully graduate. It would show people that yes, it’s possible and yes you can do it. (I’m getting teary eyed just thinking about my tol bean graduating omg!) Alsooo, this is literally our last chance to have Even as a main. Like I said, he’s graduating this year so once this year is over he won’t be at Nissen anymore, which is kind of like a requirement of the mains sooo. (Plus I was discussing this with someone I follow and we were talking about how it would make the most sense and be a very smart move from a marketing point of view to have Even as the main because a bunch of people are super invested in him and if he’s the main it would bring a lot of viewers because of that investment) (Plus the transition to s4 would be smooth as hell). Ideally, it would be perfect if it went like this: Even for S4, Sana for S5, and Vilde for S6. Fingers crossed this is what we get!!
Who do you think is most likely to be s4′s main?
I feel like Even’s definitely got a chance. But I also think Sana does too. If it’s not Even (I’m in too deep help) I think it’ll for sure be Sana (which yessss, I love Sana omg).
What are your main interests?
Main interests... welllll, if it’s not already obvious I love obsessing over tv shows lol. Nah, but I’m super into watching movies (not quite on Even’s level but I’m working my way up there), like marathoning is my fave. I’m super into photography. I’m in a photography class in school right now, but I love taking pictures of everything really. And I’m super happy because I just got my own camera for Hanukkah this year and I’ve been asking for the past few years so I’m so happy about that. I enjoy reading too, I’m a sucker for a good book. (recs anyone? lol) I also like to write, even though I’ve never actually sat down and written anything completely. Like seriously, look at my computer and you’ll see a million files of half written, started and abandoned fics. I’ve been trying to get myself to actually finish one but who knows if that’ll ever happen lol. Oh and I play soccer too, have been since I was 4! Definitely one of my favorite things to do!
Something you’re always up to discuss?
Literally anyting? Like hmu I’m always open to talk about things. I love love love Harry Potter so if you ever want to talk about anything that has to do with Harry Potter I’m soo beyond down. I really enjoy talking about Literature as well. I’m in an AP Lit class this year and it’s actually my favorite class ever. We’ve read so many interesting books and I’ve learned so much and me and my pals are literally the biggest Lit nerds you’d ever find, we’ll sit and discuss our books for hours when we go out to coffee or are at lunch. Speaking of coffee, whenever me and my friends get coffee we always end up having these super deep conversations about politics or religion or things like that and those conversations are actually so enjoyable, so like if you’re an open minded person and you’re not trying to shove your belief/opinion down my throat I could definitely talk with you about those things. I think talking about politics or religion and stuff like that really helps you keep an open mind because it allows you to see things from other people’s point of view, and that’s pretty cool.
I’m always up for making new friends, especially here, so I’m up for chatting if anyone wants to!! :))
Something you refuse to discuss?
Umm, nothing super specific is coming to mind. But when it comes to politics or religion I refuse to speak to someone about these things if they only want to explain their views/opinions and think that it’s their way or the highway and try to shove it down my throat and aren’t open to hearing what other people think. Like you don’t have to like what I’m saying and you definitely don’t have to agree, but you need to be able to listen and at least be open to hearing a different point of view. So yeah, I guess it’s not really a what I refuse to discuss but more of a who I refuse to discuss with lol.
Other favorite shows aside from Skam?
Too many. Omfg. Okay I’m hella into Criminal Minds. That show is one of my all time favorites. I actually decided that I want to study Criminal Justice and Psychology and actually become a profiler because of that lol. I just think it’s such a cool show and what they do is so interesting so yeah, that show has actually influenced my career goals haha. I also love Parks and Rec- that show is funny as hell and it’s one of those shows I’m always down to rewatch. Oh, I watched Stranger Things this year and that show is just yes. So good oh man. I love the movie Super 8 with a passion and when I watched Stranger Things I got such a Super 8 vibe which I looooved so yeah I definitely love that show and would consider it a favorite. American Horror Story is pretty awesome too, though I haven’t been that impressed with their last few seasons, still a great show though! Ooh I just started watching Sherlock this year (I watched it all in like a week oops?), love that show! Supernatural oh my god I loove that show so much! Jensen and Jared are my absolute favorites oh man. I haven’t finished the show yet I’m only about halfway through season 6 lol but I heard it was renewed for season 13 so that’s pretty cool! Some honorable mentions: How I Met Your Mother was good, I watched That ‘70s Show not that long ago, that was pretty funny, I just finished The Office. I feel like I’m missing some key shows I love but yeah that’s all I can think of right now.
Anyways, I hope some of you take the time to read this, I know I don’t have that many followers and I’m not like a popular blog or anything lol. But yeah this took me a while to write and it was pretty fun to do.
I dunno if any of the people I’m about to tag have done this or not yet but I’m too lazy to scroll through all their blogs and see so if I tag you and you’ve already done it cool, my bad. (Tagging some of my favorite accounts and people I consdier pals! :))
@desert-pluviophile @skammed @adamparishe @isakneven @shadeandadidas @skamwhat @ravenclawisak @bloonstuff @skamz
#get to know me#skam#questions and answers#i talk about stuff a lot oops?#this took me way longer than it should've to write#maybe that's because i just didn't want to do my gov homework#i mean who wants to learn about the government when i could cry about skam amiright?
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yikes so many stuff left unanswered.
Sorry i disappeared guys, the thing is i’ve been dealing with a pretty shitty life (more details under read more if you want to know ) and had no energy to come here or time. I do plan though to bring Gastly back! so expect him to be back in some few days asap i can manage time and energy ! bcs i honestly miss my ghostly playful pokemon fellow!
the reasons why i honestly have been lacking presence here and on many of my other blogs tbh is because well...how to say this.
i am suffering from narcissistic abuse. and i only realized it recently. Furthermost at the hands of my shitty birth givers.
Now, for those who don’t have info/ are aware of this, i will just explain it a bit further: i realized that the manner they were treating me was not being overprotective, no. Rather they just want me to not leave their house because they want me to serve them, and since i refuse to do so they treat me like shit. like shit equaling to: insulting me through names like ‘stupor, bag of shit, plague, bitch, attention-seeking whore, selfish , ungrateful...etc.’ they also constantly threaten me with physical violence if i want to do something my way and not theirs, or menace me, even going as far as to humiliate me in public, and spreading ill rumors about me on my back (though tbh I've seen it happen when i was but a mere 8 year old child. my ‘mother’ was speaking ill about how i mistreat her. the thing is even then my subconscious was already defending me from their abuse without me knowing it. ) just for a lost contact lens once, i was hit in the face hard and scarred on my arms as they pulled me with force against the wall. well, of course, i don’t expect people around me to believe me since outside the house they put on the goodie two shoes act, and having their image tarnished is their biggest fear.the thing is the last drop was given as i’ve witnessed them insulting my dog and tried twice to kick them. i will not tolerate that.
they honestly give me no value. when i try to give opinions the sperm donor (forgive my language but you see for me they are no parents or family, they are just creatures that mean nothing to me but pain by now) often tries to shut me down, saying ‘how i don’t matter, my opinion means nothing, or i don’t know about anything’ when i’ve went through hell at school years and now what the house spends and clearly research a lot and know stuff from ebbing informed, clearly proving that i am far more smart than them: they know that and try to make me feel miserable; i could even be pouring milk to my cup and they would be criticizing me by the way i do things when nothing is wrong.
they even went as far as to omit information for me and make me try to sign a contract of a medical insurance without reading, and half filled without my consent. they tried to hit my dog twice too, and called me or them by awful names.
as you can imagine this is stressful for both me and my dog, and even when nothing’s happening we fear for our lives, because you never know when they might snap. they’re toxic. it’s making us feel dead inside. i can’t sleep without my door closed now because i fear for my safety, i often wake up in the middle of the night either bcs i can't sleep well, or because my dog wants to go to the ‘bathroom.’
for you to feel even more sickening, that sperm donor even went as far as to say he supported the street harassment i went through when at times i go walking on the streets and there are assholes who catcall me. ...not even for their own ‘daughter’ they have compassion. worse yet they are a former court officer which is sickening and awfully disgusting. not even after telling them how that makes women feel unsafe and awful for having their bodies and appearances seen as a walking peace of meat, and how we feel endangered walking in the streets like that and how this is the reason many such as myself took defense classes , they understood it. they are one of those many bigoted mysogynistic, sexist assholes who think that is a compliment.
not only that but both of them in public seem friendly with anyone , and in private they even went as far as to joke with my asian neighbors calling them derogatory names, or mocking a woman’s disability with names such as ‘black widow ‘ or even mocking a homosexual acquaintance of them when they tried to invite them for their wedding, asking ‘who’s doing the paper of the woman?’ ! passing it off as a joke. for me a person’s sexuality is not a joke, which makes me realize had i happened to be something else than straight, i would’ve been put out of the house.
they are so ill and sickening, that one time the sperm donor followed my grandma ato the bathroom, to check if after she used it it was left clean . do you find that normal?!
even more the birth giver has returned to her smoking habits and dared to smoke inside the house and me being an asthmatic person, took in the smoke without wanting it, and ended up with my throat burning and coughing for 1 hour to try to expel the toxins, having to see myself forced to open the windows. what did they do? they went to close my windows and screamed at me for ‘ how i was causing a scene and the neighbors were hearing everything! ‘ . their worry was not me or my health, it was their image. which sickens me honestly, i stayed with a burnt throat for 4 days at least if not more - and they knew i was asthmatic and the consequences of this action.
as if this hadn’t been enough i already suffered bullying in all these forms on my school years and they never supported me , even now, with proof after the cyberbullying attack i had they still blame the crime against me. and think i treat people bad. no i don’t, but i will not take shit from assholes.
the worst is i am in a way dependent on these narcs , on these abusers because i am working in the same firm as one of them. i want to move out with my dog hopefully even this month or the next one because this is draining me, no, even killing me inside, day by day. as if it wasn’t enough i have to deal with traumas, ocd, ptsd, and being in a workplace where everyone tries to pull a dagger on my back or to others, since 80% of the people there are narcs or enablers and the worst is that shitty ‘birth giver ‘ of mine allows it all, and condemns me whenever i try to defend myself.
as you can deduce this is draining me inside and out. i don't feel like smiling at all lately, i don't feel sad but i don't feel also 100% happy, far from it. i plan to move out this month or the next one, which might mean i might not have internet right away too but... the thing is I've been trying to get my license and i failed the last time i did the exam because im basically drained. im not giving up but i am drained.
so yeah my life’s been pretty shitty. in one of the imagines blogs i have i opened a donation fund in case you’d like to help. even 1$ would help tbh. there’s no limit date or quantity because i have yet to know how much i will need since i will have expenses for my medications and my dog too but... yeah just so y’know.
Thanks.
#MARI IS SPEAKING (ooc);;;#sorry I've been out guys but.#have good reasons for it#tw: abuse#tw: narcissistic abuse#tw: toxic relationship#tw: toxic parents#tw: shitty life#tw: child abuse
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