#yeah bad mental health for weeks. like. what do u want me to say. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

metalheadsforblacklivesmatter · 2 years

Text

I advise you not seek this content out. There's a reason I'm not linking it. It's full of abelism and gaslighting. But I just want to show you what I'm about to rant about because this woman is claiming chronic illness doesn't exist and women specifically are faking to get a diagnosis for attention. And she's claiming this is a mental health issue.

As a disabled person, I need to rant.

The first time I got a migraine. I was 10 years old. They were near constant. I know exactly how old I was because when I went to the doctor, he said it was probably the braces shifting the bones in my skull. They were called just headaches.

If you've ever had a migraine, you would understand that if you were experiencing this much pain, and you were told there was a way to make it stop, you GRAB that shit. I had my braces removed before my jaw was finished straightening because I shouldn't have had braces in the first place and my baby teen started falling out (very late, I know).

And when my adult teeth came in, I BEGGED my doctor to not give me braces again. And remember what I said earlier. If you're experiencing migraine level symptoms and you were told there was a way to make it stop. You grab that chance. Yes, my teeth are still fucked up. Yes, this leads to me dealing with chronic jaw pain.

You don't get how much pain I was in just... all the fucking time. My parents had to carry large bottles of advil with them at all times. Some of my earliest memories is being at a restaurant and my mom being like "I know this is weird but do you have any advil? I forgot to refill the bottle and my daughter is in too much pain to eat". Just from the migraine.

I was taking adult doses of pain meds with my doctors telling me to alternate Advil and Tylenol every 2 hours at the age of 10 (most meds say not for children under 12). Because migraine was not a diagnosis that existed.

When I was in high school, I finally did get a diagnosis from my PCP of "migraine". Idk if it ever went on the record but a was prescribed migraine medication. Which was essentially prescription strength advil and imitrex. There weren't exactly a lot of options back then.

And I again have specific memories of being in school. The ring of the fire alarm during a fire drill triggers a migraine. First thing I had to do when we went back in was go to the nurse and nurse had to call my parents and they had to bring my meds (special school rules the nurse needed the prescription bottle which would make it hard to have any at home). And the nurse was like "when's it gonna work?" And my mom was like "idk. If it does work it'll be like 30 minutes" and the nurse was like "Yeah we can't keep her here 30 minutes on a maybe. This is no place for a kid with a migraine. Take her home."

Throughout all this? I didn't consider myself disabled. Because I could still function. I wasn't missing too much school to pass. I was still able to pass my classes.

In college though it got really bad. I was missing 3 or 4 days of classes at a time because I couldn't hold down anything but water. There's weeks I did go to class that I just blacked it the pain was so bad. I got hurt from the vertigo regularly. It got so bad u finally sought it a migraine community just to try to understand what the hell was wrong with me and just so I had a place where I could vent. It sucked so damn bad.

And this community helped me immensely. They had a list of headache specialists which helped me find my doctor. They gave me a ton of treatment options to discuss with my doctor and they suggested vitamin supplements that I could also discuss with my doctor. It took a few years because I don't react to most common migraine meds, but a year out of college, I finally got a treatment plan that fucking helped. I live a pretty normal life now the only exception being the couple of hours it takes my meds to kick in.

And even through all of that, I hesitated to call myself disabled. I was still functional enough to graduate college without the ADA (but honestly I'd have done better if I had accommodations for all the time I had to miss). My migraines weren't frequent enough to be considered "chronic".

The only reason why I'm able to comfortably call myself disabled now is because of the invisible illness and spoonie communities. They were like "Your health issues impacting most of your life even though there's no physical symptoms? You keep missing important events duev to your health issues? You limiting what you do so to not impact your health issues? You're disabled."

Because I was so afraid of taking something away from physically disabled people by using the label. I'm still going to heavy metal concerts (yes they land me in bed for days after with a migraine). I can hold down a job and still semi-function (I'm privileged that I can get a remote job so if I can't get out of bed I don't need to call in. And I work for small companies that are more forgiving of health issues.)

Listen. I 100% believe in the spoonie movement with all my heart. But what people don't realize is that invalidating the spoonie movement invalidates people like me. People that have had pain since childhood that almost no medication can touch that's coupled with other neurological issues that is detrimental to our health. I was exercising every day, but I had to stop because there were too many days I couldn't hold down food. I was eating very healthy, but I had to stop because there were too many days where calories were more important than vitamins because again I was lucky if I could hold down food. The pain was so bad that there was gaps in my memory and I hurt myself but I couldn't remember how between the vertigo and the memory issues.

And yeah. My migraines don't affect me like that now. I'm on treatment where I don't "look disabled". I can function with the best of the abled people. But it took years of meds and trial and error with my doctor to get here. I'm functioning with the exact balance of person meds and activity levels to keep me found for the things I enjoy doing.

And I need people to realize that's what invisible disability is. Paralyzed person can't walk? They get a wheelchair. I can't go outside without spending the rest of my day bedbound from the bright light and heat? I get meds that help sooth the nervous system (honestly I don't know how the fuck my meds work but this is the equivalent of my "wheelchair")

Yeah! We look functional. That's the point. That's the entire point. Because before this we lost friends and failed classes because we couldn't get our of bed our body's failed us so hard. The only reason why abled people think we don't exist is because we literally couldn't leave the house. And online communities have allowed us to be seen on those worse days when we're normally hidden behind closed doors.

I was able to interact with people online yesterday with my migraine, when previously you wouldn't have been able to see that because I literally couldn't leave the house.

-fae

#abelism #systemic abelism #dynamic disability #disabilty #spoonie

666 notes · View notes

why-the-heck-not · 6 months

Note

how do you study/code everyday? Genuinely asking, like how do you maintain focus and not get distracted or stop when it gets hard? Ignore the following question if you live your major and school and all that: how do you not get sad? And if you do what do you do when that happens?

With love and admiration, a fellow computer science student who is struggling so much

Heyy and thank you for the ask!

Honestly, I get very distracted a whole lot. Like 50% of my days are procrastination bc I don’t want to do things. And I don’t study every day, but most days just bc I’m bad at taking full days off bc of The Guilt lol. Waking up early has helped me a ton, bc even if I procrastinate the morning bc don’t want to start doing things, it’ll still be early. The annoying thing to say, but it rly does feel like u have more hours in a day that way.

For stopping when it gets hard: I have this one playlist that’s like 30mins long, and everytime I wanna give up, I put that on, and it’s like a ”okay just gotta work until this playlist stops”-thing. And sometimes I do just stop after bc I’m getting nowhere, but sometimes that ”permission” to stop doing things actually makes me want to get them done. And sometimes u luck out and figure out the thing in that 30mins. (Sure a timer would work as well but I time my time with music a lot of times idk)

And yeah I get sad, bc like who doesn’t. Idk, I feel like the key is to try move on the second u can. You had ur bad days and can’t do anything abt that now, so wallowing & feeling guilty about that is not gonna do anything. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and a week or so won’t ruin things. Trying to not get stuck in it, the cycle of ”I’ve fucked this up ohno” and getting more depressed from that and then continuing to not being able to do anything is very real. At that point, u gotta remind urself that any little bit helps (if that’s either towards the school things or like washing piled up dishes; anything to move anything along helps to get urself out).

Also big thing that has helped me; no social media when it gets bad !! All that ”respect the grind” ”that girl” ”grind mindset” etc. makes it feel way more shitty. But also the mental health awarness side sometimes makes it too easy to be ”yeah so im sad, im not going to even try to do anything” (it’s fine obv when u just can’t, but when u notice 2 years have gone by bc ”i’m just having a bad day today” everyday, it’s no longer selfcare). So idk, what helps for me is to have the bad days just by myself in the bubble and at some point getting up and doing a thing. Which sometimes/usually snowballs into a couple things. And never underestimate the power of taking a good long shower. Everything seems more doable after a shower idk why. Also I think I say this in about every ask but WALKS !! Are so good !!!!! For everything !!

#sorryy a long one but one of those things I’m also trying to fogure out so don’t have a clear answer lol #asks #october 2023 #2023

39 notes · View notes

anti-endo-haven · 12 days

Note

no fr syscord servers are generally just horrible.

not only do they let source dating happen (i saw a system that got with a fictive after 25 hours of *just* talking about source. like, the systems knew each other for 25 hours before the two alters got together?? and then they’re immediately saying they’re soulmates or whatever…) but they basically ignore brainmade alters and force source separation, especially for problematic sources.

we have a fictive of a fictionalised version of a serial killer and when i showed a screenshot of his proxy because it was a funny conversation, someone was immediately like “ermm i pray he’s source separated!!!” like??

you don’t know our system… what. stay out of his business bro😭😭 jus cuz he uses the same FIRST NAME doesn’t mean he thinks he’s the guy??? he literally looks at his source and goes “oh. that’s who i’m based on? ok.” like?? people force source separation it’s crazy

and they’re always ran by 14 year olds who shouldn’t be running a server, and they praise that they’re all for supporting mental health issues but when u show you actual traits of a mental illness, suddenly you’re the bad guy?? i’m a bpd symptom holder and i lost my shit at the mods of a server once abt a member of the server and i quickly apologised for losing my cool and explained that it was bpd and i couldn’t control it and even tho i’m trying to get betters ways of regulating my emotions, i slip up. and they banned me just cuz they didn’t like me…

syscord is weird.

and i remember years ago syscord would have you send YOUR ENTIRE LIST OF TRIGGERS into a public chat so “everyone could feel safe”… SHARING YOUR TRIGGERS PUBLICALLY IS NOT SAFE. unless they’re common like sh or sa BUT LIKE UNCOMMON ONES?? people can and WILL use those against you.

-🪐🫀

Mhm.

The source calls and “dating applications” are completely disgusting to me.

You do not know the other person behind the screen. If you’ve been good friends for a while, not like a week while, then yeah. If the two of you are wanting to date, okay. But after 25 hours??? You’ve just passed a singular day. That’s not enough time to know a person.

And you’re not getting to know a person for who they are but for source. It’s not something nice, especially if you’re just seeing someone as that source.

Also, the trigger lists. Yeah. I get saying “hey, common triggers are listed, we can change the subject with these,” uncommon triggers can be used against you. Hell, ALL triggers can be used against you.

And the blacklists of like… sources or people or names. It’s just… icky.

#🪐🫀#anti endo #did system #system #osddid #endos dni #traumagenic system #actually did #endos not for you #actually traumagenic #did plural #did plurality #osdd plural #osdd plurality

10 notes · View notes

souyasbabyy · 2 years

Text

• pairing: draken x son!reader, taiju x son!reader, kakucho x son!reader, izana x son!reader

request by @sxgarcude-anon: Hello, love your work! May I request Dad! Taiju, Kakucho, Izana, Draken where they find out their timid/reserved son has been getting treated harshly at school and bullied (EX. Physically, Socially, Verbally). They don't even find out, instead they find out either through their son's friend, the son comes home very injured, or worse the bullying goes to far and they get called from the school saying their son is in the hospital (or just whatever you wanna go with). The crazier part is that the son could actually go off on the bullies if he really wanted, he's a strong kid for his age (with their dads they could be menaces if they really wanted to). But reader is either too nice, it's easier for them to just do nothing (in their words), or/and maybe they just deserve it (or etc whatever reasons you wish). You could add a little extra such as a teacher knowing but saying nothing or etc XD. You don't have to do this is you don't want to.

• genre: fluff, angst

• warning: bullying, violence toward reader

• note: hiiii i'm back lol, i'm sorry i haven't wrote since what felt like an eternity. i've been struggling a lot with many things this days and my mental health is just,,, real bad lmao but yeah i'm back, thank you for your request and sorry it took so much time to come, i really do hope that you'll like it and for anyone that is getting bullied, pls talk to someone close to you or not, you can even call hotlines but pls talk to someone and i've said it before but i'll say it again, if you ever need to vent you can come in my dms, i'll always answer <33 , i know how hard it is but everything gets better with time <3 take care of yourselves, love u all <33

— draken

draken always teached his son that violence wasn't the answer to everything

and he was so happy by how kind and respectful you grew up

but since some weeks his son has been coming back home with bruises and everytime he was asking him where they come from he just shrug

now, draken wasn't worried for you because he knew you could take care of you and even if he teached you that you shouldn't fight all the time you could defend yourself

he was that you were getting into fight because you wanted to

so he called your schooled and your professor told him that he haven't saw anything

yet the day after that the school called him to say you were in the hospiral

he was so mad but he was more worried for you so he just rush to where you were

he saw one of your friend in front of your room and they told him everything, how you were bullied by a group in your class, how your teacher act like he never saw anything, how you refused to defend yourself, thinking you deserved it

draken looked at you, you weren't looking at them and he was so mad at your teacher and whoever sent you there

when he was sure you were okay he drove to your school and he was ready to commit arson, he wanted everyone that bullied fired of the school and when he talked to your teacher he really tried ot keep his calm

he saw he was scared but he didn't care, nobody hurt his son

— taiju

since you were born taiju wasn't the same man

he made it his personal mission to protect him and made him feel safe

he was never refusing anything to you and at some point he even thought you'll grow up to be arrogant but to his surprise you were the kindest soul

today he was in front of your school, waiting for you to go back home when he saw you with a little group of other guys that he assumed was your friends until he saw one pushing you on the ground and the others kicking you

he got out of the car and walked to them, his vein on his forehead showing

he grabbed one by the hoodie and told the other to fuck off which they did once they saw the imposant figure of your father

"you tell your dumb little friends that if they ever touch my son i'll take care of them myself, you heard me?"

the guy he was holding, shakily nod before running away once he let go of him

"you should've told me or do something about it" he tells you once he helped you getting up

you weren't looking at him "i didn't wanted to" you shrug

— kakucho

it wasn't a secret that your father was part of a gang and that it's how you got in a private school

people weren't really talking to you except for your one and only friend

you were eaily picked fun of because your father's money was dirty money and "you didn't deserved to be there"

your friend always defended you as much as they could and you promise you'll never tell a word to your father, scared of what he could say about you for not answering back

but once, the bodyguard he sent heard some kids saying awful things to you and he was obligated to reapeat to kakucho, that's his job

kakucho was so worried for you, he had a talk with you, saying he won't think less of you for not answering thise dumbasses and that he wasn't ashame either

when you told him you thought you deserved it, ngl he almost cried, he felt sad that his son felt like that about himself and he made you sure you knew you deserved the entire world, not to be treated badly

just like draken he would talk to the director of school and even to the parents of the people saying shit about you, telling them that they should feel ashame that their kids was saying such bullshit to someone

— izana

izana accepted that you do a sleepover with your friends

he was coming to ask if you needed something when he heard one of your friend say "and what about that guy that was hitting you the other day?" "yeah, i think he really hate me, today again he was threatening me just bc i looked at him" "you should say it to your dad" "and what he's gonna do? threaten a teen?"

and izana was so mad, he wanted to open the door and know who was the asshole hitting you

he doesn't care if he was a teen, no one touch his family

he waited until one of your friend came down to search for something and he asked them who it was, telling them not to tell you he knew and they told him everything, they were ready to give the adress and everything if it meant you'll be safe

izana then searched info on him and his family and when he got to him he threaten him, saying that if ever hit you, talk to you or look at you he'll know and he won't see the colour of the daylight ever again

after that day everytime he was seeing you in the hallway he was turning back

#mel 🌻#tokyo revengers angst #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyorev x reader #tokyorev headcanons #tokyo revengers draken #draken tokyo revengers #draken x reader #taiju shiba #tokyo revengers taiju #taiju x reader #taiju headcanons #izana headcanons #izana x reader #tokyo revengers izana #kakucho #kakucho headcanon #tokyo revengers kakucho #kakucho x reader

354 notes · View notes

haejjoon · 1 year

Note

BARKBARK I LOVE TRANS HCS im not trans myself but when i see how happy they make my trans friends & my partner???? TOSSES THEM AROUND LIKE CANDY u get a trans hc! u get a trans hc! WE ALL GET TRANS HCS

also may i say. adhd/autistic phantoms ? good shit

also ur mention of how trans goro is more common than trans akiren makes me wanna pop off about infantilization in fandoms and how it ties into misogyny, trans-misogyny and nsfw content and its characterizations and just fjbvkfnb. im a social sciences major and i LOVE discussing infantilization in the context of sex and gender and disability i love that shit. anyway idk where i was going with this but tldr i love ur characterization of goro <3

OHHHHH ANON YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST STARTED.....

prefacing this by saying: i have adhd. although i haven't been able to be properly diagnosed (with the things hooked up to my head etc etc) thanks to america's stunning healthcare, i am like.. 99.999999% sure i have it. my therapist, who i used to see regularly, agrees that i probably have it.

NOW. i'm sure we all know that futaba sakura our favorite gremlin girl ever exhibits some clear symptoms of autism. i don't need to get into it because there's a million and one analyses out there about her behavior, but i will say that i both love/hate how atlus depicted her. on one hand i love that the group just.. accepts her for who she is, i love that they don't try to change her, i love that they don't fall into the "ooh you're so smart though so your disability MUST be a superpower!" trap, and that they mold around her to suit her, and not the other way around.

THAT BEING SAID.....

i have SUCH a bone to pick with how they decided to go about her 'healing' arc. the phantom thieves give her a week--a WEEK--to readjust to society. and yeah i guess that while you could argue that she's just had her trauma supernaturally lobotomized out of her, it doesn't change the fact that she's... still gone through it, you know? just because she learned to stop hating herself for things out of her control doesn't mean her social anxiety disappears in a snap. she turns out alright by the end but the extremely pushy nature of the thieves to get her out of her shell ALWAYS rubbed me wrong. taking things slow and one step at a time is wonderful, and i'm glad they decided to go about that approach instead of just throwing her to the beach like they originally wanted, but they still should have taken it... slower. one week is HARDLY enough.

also, i fucking hate how they constantly talk about her while she's in the same room as them, as if she can't hear what they're saying. they said things like, "oh she's pretty normal, huh" and "she can hold a conversation just fine!" and while their behavior isn't one completely out of the ordinary for dumb teenagers to exhibit, it still really, really pisses me off that they do it wiht her in the SAME ROOM. im sure it wasn't meant to come off this way, but i always got the feeling that they attributed her 'quirkiness' to her not understanding how groups worked at all, which is why they were so open about discussing HER MENTAL HEALTH without including her in the conversation.

okay i'm done with futaba--quick hcs im throwing out there: ryuji has adhd, yusuke also has autism, mishima has autism, goro has ocd. boom bam bop, you've been hit by the 'tism beam.

PLEASE DO POP OFF ABOUT THE INFANTILISM it's honestly such a gross sight.... the amount of times ive seen goro depicted as some small, feminine twink is genuinely staggering, and it's always left such a bad taste in my mouth because i KNOW it's because his character, at least for the majority of the plot, is polite and soft spoken.

not to mention how incredibly fetishizing it feels. i won't get too into it, but the amount of shuakeshu ive seen where one is drawn/written as larger than life/confident/suave and the other is meek/skinny/easily embarrassed? ohhh my god. please. akiren isn't some smooth jerk who makes goro blush with a well-placed quip, and goro isn't a crazed yandere who shuts akiren away from the rest of the world. they're both fucking losers who don't know how to process their feelings for the other because of their very, very embarrassing rivalry. stop degrading one to fit your perfect mlm narrative.

sigh i didn't mean for this to become a social commentary or anything, but .. lo and behold... here we are. i'd love to hear your thoughts on my takes, anon, and i'd love to hear the thoughts for anyone who read thru this too! while i do have adhd/am trans i can't speak for those who fall under the autism spectrum or for cis gay men, so if you'd like to correct me in my thinking PLEASE go ahead and do so, i'd love to be educated on topics i don't fully understand. have a good one <3

#character study #persona 5 headcanons #futaba sakura #goro akechi #persona 5 protagonist

37 notes · View notes

69fever · 1 year

Text

hihihi! i know i am talking to no one rn but i LOVE to act like im an online celeb on this app so i will continue <333 (i would die if anyone i knew irl found this account)

a-levels has been kicking my ass and i am most likely dropping out at the end of this year😅 it has been so bad for my mental health and i am not willing to take the hit carrying on and doing next year. if i feel this awful this year then imagine next year, ygm? i simply don't want to do that

sucks though, because i do enjoy my subjects to an extent. philosophy is so difficult and really boring and my english lit teacher/class is annoying and the studies we're doing are boring😭 i love sociology though

but because of all of this, plus stuff going on in my personal life specifically with my boyfriend (who is the subject of the last two poems i've written), i feel like my creative juices have taken a hit. to be honest, i feel like i could've written the most moving and heart-wrenching poem(s) like 1/2 weeks ago but i was honestly so angry and distraught that i couldn't😭 the idea didn't even come to me which i'm pissed about now because i could've created true genius... well at least like some pretty decent stuff

the one piece i did write was a love letter to my boyfriend. i wanted to show him that i cared about him in a meaningful way, rather than just saying it. so what better way than to write a 7 page love letter? i most likely will post it, i knowwwww no one or not a lot of people will see it but i just want to post it because i want to??? idk😭 perhaps it will reach someone, and who doesn't love to read a love letter? maybe that's just me, a lover girl at heart

it will probably appear shorter than how i let on because i'm going to remove some bits from it, to keep it anonymous. in the letter i included important and relevant dates in our relationship, so that's something i will leave out. additionally, i wrote him 100 things i love about him and will also be leaving that out

so yeah, i will be posting that after this. if anyone is reading this then i hope you enjoy it ^u^

that's pretty much it but i kinda want to be a bit more dedicated to this account because i really like writing poems and romantic shit and sporadic and random fan fictions now and again😭 i started writing one about doing mdma with eren yeager but never finished it ahahahaha, maybe i'll pick that back up (100% will finish it if anyone shows interest, pls read my ymir fan fic for credentials)

okay, bye! :)

(i'm still adding tags btw teehee)

10 notes · View notes

undermycoat · 8 months

Text

just need to work this all out

ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.

i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone

also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?

all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe

im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.

oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.

he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.

its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?

also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor

anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗

OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off

#cupid de bunny #uhh tw daddy issues?#this prolly isnt the most pc ramble.. sorry

6 notes · View notes

gunkbaby · 1 year

Text

Hello my lovelies. Just popping in with a little queued update on things (Shuu's birthday) for y'all. (gets a wee bit personal at the end, so feel free to skip that part!)

I am currently fighting off the evil mental illness demons, so I apologise for not being very active right now, and being generally bad at replying to messages and things. Things are just kind of bad on my end, especially in regards to my eating disorder. I'm super sorry, but I'm trying to do my best rn.

Anyway. Just wanted to pop in and say that I'm working real hard on getting some things ready for Shuu's birthday! I have already finished this year's Build-A-Bear poll, and the Minecraft server is almost ready! I've also got some art, and maybe a little sewing piece too, to share with y'all. I write Shuu a birthday letter most years, and if I'm comfortable, I will share that too.

I know I said before that i was planning to host a short, drawtober style event (mainly for me) centered around some Tsukiyama-esque prompts. I would still very much like to do that. I have five prompts ready that Shuu related, and I am very much looking forward to sharing them with you all.

I will try and post more information about it soon, but I do have an issue - I am unsure if my health would allow me to participate in the event.

(personal stuff under the cut, tw, ed & relapse mentions)

I try not to talk about it a lot - on Tumblr especially - but last year some not so nice things happened to me on my old Tumblr, on Shuu's birthday. It kinda ruined Shuu's birthday for me, and I have quite a lot of pretty severe trauma from it. Those events did sorta ruin my reputation, (hence why I don't interact with the fandom anymore lol) and basically caused me to relapse, pretty heavily, after I worked for years to recover. I was real proud of myself for that too, and now it's all back and worse than I ever thought it could be, and to say it sucks is an understatement, especially seeing how quickly everything fell apart. Like damn, all that effort I put in to get better, and it fell apart like a chocolate teapot on a hot day. Makes me feel pretty pathetic, honestly. (But I'm still going! I still have flowers, which is something, I think. It's a little silly, but I always think that if we have flowers, I think it's proof the world isn't totally falling apart. It keeps me going, at least.)

I bring this all up to explain why I might be offline a lot over the next few weeks. Because it all fell apart on Shuu's birthday last year, I'm anxious about this year. It's like, what if it all happens again, or whatever, what if X thing happens, or X thing, and then cue a spiral of invasive thoughts. So, I'm pretty desperate reclaim this day for myself. But I get the feeling I might be unable to be on Tumblr the actual birthday, because this is where everything happened. I will try, I promise, but if I feel too overwhelmed, I will just schedule any posts I wanna make and chill on my other social media instead. (all my socials are in my Carrd!)

In other news, I hope everyone had a good valentine's day. I bought some roses for myself. I don't like Valentine's day, it feels so cheap. I think that love should be celebrated everyday, not just one random Tuesday in February. But maybe I'm just salty, because I have never had a Valentine.

I will try and be more active, but as I say, my brain is sort of in ED-mode right now. But I'm genuinely trying. It's one of my OC's birthdays at the end of the month, so I will try and come back for that, at least. I'm working hard on my fics too. Hopefully soon I will have something worthy of being posted...Ahah.

So yeah. Just a wee lil baby update post from me. I'll try to be a little more active, so at least I can give it my all on Shuu's birthday, properly. C u later my friends.

#long post #semi-rambles #gunk #personal gunk #slight personal tw #tw personal #tw ed #tw sh #tw relapse #tw sh mention #tw relapse mention #tw sui mention #tw ed mention #shuu gunk #shuu birthday 2023 #british people love to queue #queue

2 notes · View notes

pacifymebby · 1 year

Note

lol Hi😂 I hope your doing well! I saw your post about swimming becoming and an healthy addiction and it made me chuckle (in a good way and respectfully!!!) because it reminded me of me little cousin does swimming for her middle school and is at the pool like every other day of the week plus weekends! And like last time we hung about at a pool she was just zooming around like a little mermaid while I was holding to a noodle b/c I'm not good at floating 😂 but yeah.... also I guess what I'm trying to say is that 4+ times a week probably isn't a bad amount to go swimming! It's exercise remember and exercise if good for all types of health!! Exercise is good for you!! Also plus's I think I've heard that some soreness can be a good think because it (can be) an indicator of muscle growth! There's some medical stuff there too but I can't think of it off the top of my head! Just remember to stretch I guess and stay hydrated especially because id your swimming in salt water I can dehydrate you faster then normal water because salt. Idk how you're swimming but maybe if you are doing like certain strokes you could try rotating to different ones that work some different muscles? Idk? It is also important to rest though! Maybe it would help if you like made out a schedule of sorts for like they days you go and don't go to get a good mount of rest in between? If it's something you find comfort in too it can be good to help relieve stress! And yeah, that's about all I got. Sorry for rambling! I hope I'm not overstepping! You're brilliant!! ❤️❤️❤️

Omg do they swim for the team? Thats actually really cool and something i never could have done in school!!

I had an older cousin like that who could zip around the pool like a shark, i remember him and my dad trying to teach me to swim when I was like 5 and had a big fear of water, i used to think he was the coolest but he was so naturally zoomy and stuff even my dad (who's actually athletic) couldnt beat him in a race.

Yeah i think Id be less para about it if i didn't get the intense feelings of guilt when I don't go swimming. Like this morning I got up to go swimming but missed the bus, so now i have to wait until this evening and I'm genuinely really upset with myself about it. Like I'm pretty prone to eating disordered behavior and I do kinda wonder if I'm attatching more importance to an hours swim than i really should be.

Yeah you're right about the soreness, I've been doing lots of stretches because i want to learn to do the splits and increase my flexibility again (i used to do gymnastics as a child and I'm hypermobile so i have a complex about not being the bendiest bitch in Aldi haha)

I did end up taking a rest day yesterday and not feeling awful about it in the end, and I'm going to go tonight and then tomorrow too, i can maybe even go on Saturday or Sunday which would be cool.

I only swim breast stroke because i dont like putting my head all the way under water (i have ptsd and having my head under water when I'm swimming makes me panic so bad lol) (im slowly working on it) but I'm really only going swimming for my mental health as a way of burning off all my anxious energy. It does do wonders for my anxiety on a good day tbf.

Anyways thank u for ur message and like, giving me the chance to get a different (probably way more rational) perspective on the whole thing, i feel a lot calmer and less paranoid now.

U definitely havent overstepped dont worry!! ❤️❤️

1 note · View note

jentlemahae · 7 days

Note

As the TTPD release gets closer, Taylor's second fandom have started defrosting their wildly inaccurate takes, of which I've seen plenty the past few days. Takes such as "Taylor's music never deals with anything other than romance", "There is no depth/ no layers to Taylor's songs", "Taylor doesn't read/isn't educated" or "Taylor isn't as good as the poets I respect because she's never experienced depression or any feeling worse than heartbreak". Now, why are these people who know absolutely nothing about blondie giving their opinions as if they know what they're talking about? It's so funny. I dislike plenty of artists, some for very serious reasons (like Kanye) and some for goofier reasons (like a certain British vocal marvel), but do you see me, a person who doesn't review music for a living (or even as a hobby), tuning in for every one of their album releases and writing thinkpieces for weeks before said release? No. Taylor's haters are so obsessed with her, it's actually funny. (Shaking their heads while listening to the new songs to make sure that everyone knows they don't approve of this "soulless junk" being popular.)

The fact is that Taylor's music is some of the most interesting to analyze in the pop genre. It does have layers and motifs and deeper meanings and the only reason some people can't acknowledge that is because they refuse to entertain the idea that she might actually be smart. They have this image of her in their minds (privileged woman who puts out bland and lazy music to milk her fans of their money) and they will not in a million years give her the benefit of the doubt.

i HATE when ppl look down on taylor’s work and artistry because she “only sings about love” when a) it’s not even true cause with a catalogue spanning 18 years, she talks about romantic love and also friendship and loss and depression and mental health issues and self esteem and womanhood, but b) even if all she sang about was romance, why would that be a problem ? i absolutely hate this notion that someone has to have gone through tragedy and insurmountable hardship for their art to be worthy, as if talking about something as nuanced and multifaceted as romantic love is suddenly less than just because most people can relate to it…….

but anw !! yeah i don’t see why is it so hard to just say “hey i don’t like this artist’s music” and moving on ? i promise that u don’t need to write dissertations about how bad it supposedly is to justify it, u can just say u don’t like it and keep it moving ? but also i just cannot take any taylor hate seriously anymore lol like “she’s fake she’s mediocre waa waa” and yet she is the most successful artist on the planet 18 years into her career, and u want me to take u seriously ???

#anw ttpd !!!!!!!!!!#anonymous #sophie ask

0 notes

blackvail22 · 4 months

Text

honestly LMAOO

he loves me... he has to

well, he wouldnt have reacted that way when i was upset that one time... and he wouldnt tell me he loved me if he didnt

right?

yeah, he loves me.... he loves me.

he wouldnt cancel our plans on a lie...

he actually was busy.... he was busy alllll three days in a row...

he had to have been

he'll make it up sometime soon

he wouldnt talk to me if he didnt love me

he wouldnt have gotten with me again if he didnt love me

he wouldnt save pictures of me if he didnt love me

he doesnt tell me im pretty very often because he just says it in his head

he's allowed to like things like that... i do too

GODDD

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ME TO TRUST THAT PEOPLE LOVE ME OR MEAN THE POSITIVE THINGS THEY SAY TO ME

IM TIRED OF STRUGGLING THIS BAD AND HAVING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT THEYRE NOT LIARS

BUT HOW CAN I NOT?

MA MADE A POEM FOR ME AND WROTE ME A TWO PAGE LETTER ABT HOW MUCH SHE CARES FOR ME AND THEN TELLS EVERYONE ELSE AND ME TWO MONTHS LATER IM NOT ALL THAT IMPORTANT TO HER ANYMORE

ARE U KIDDING MEEE????

IM FULL OF SO MUCH FUCKING ANGER

IS IT ANGER OR IS IT DISAPPOINTMENT?

I TRULY CANT TELL

MY DAD IS HIDING HIS DRINKING (AGAIN) (LIKE ALWAYS) AND ITS PISSING ME OFF

STOP HIDING IT. YOU KNOW I HATE BEING NEAR PEOPLE WHEN THEY DRINK. GO HOME! GO FUCKING HOME

I JUST WISH I WAS NORMALLL I WANT TO BE A NORMAL PERSON WITH A NORMAL FAMILY

WAS THAT EVER TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

people have it worse than me, though.

who am i to complain?

do i lie to each doctor that asks me

"in the past two weeks, have you wished that you were dead or what i would like to be dead?"

yes.

i lie every time

its gotten easier... lying

not only about my mental health but the fact im dating someone...

i dont think thats a good thing lol

0 notes

talictries · 9 months

Text

friendship vent (agane LMAO)

i didnt say this before because i was too embarrassed LMAO but a little over 2 weeks ago i ruined my best friend of 5 year's 21st birthday by getting way too drunk, breaking up the whole event, and having a ambulance called on me LMAO. i am ok (obvi) but I've always been the one who's leeched off her for emotional support shit (because i have no friends except her lol) and we've had these similar arguments in the past but because it was supposed to be her big day, and it was in front of all her friends from uni and shit, and her family (which had to deal with me and house me for that night) none have ever been this bad.

because my mental health is so shit, she often worries if I've like kms-ed even tho i wouldn't do that. but i gave her space for 2 weeks and finally messaged her today being like yo hope you're well all that shit. she messaged back (a good sign) and we talked for a tiny but but she was like I'm still mad at u abt the party thing but I'm also worried about your mental health.'

and like, sure, i could have just said 'dw I'm all good' and moved on, but in the past 3 years where I've lost all my other friends and family (no one died dw, just stopped talking to friends and family moved far away) I've always kinda leaned on her the most. and over the past few months when my mental health was at its lowest, i could tell she was starting to get anxious just by my mere existence (thinking i was dead or smth) and its been weighing on my mind that she doesn't really need that shit in her life, because her life comparatively is a fuck ton more stressful atm.

so basically i info dumped (not a slay) and was like look i was giving u space, but I've been thinking about our friendship which i am the one who always messes up, and ik we've had a few conversations abt it before but i just wanted to state my piece. already from my side this has been a slightly unhealthy relationship because i know i am far too dependant on you, and i don't want this turning into a more unhealthy friendship because before that was a v internal me thing whereas now its actually impacting your life. so i love our friendships and its happy moments but i want you to really evaluate your life and make the final decision as to if you want me in it or not. maybe not for a few weeks, or moths, or ever, but i feel guilty that YOU feel guilty about it.

and ik it isn't my place to dictate her feelings or whatever but now i fear if i just kept my mouth shut we'd be on the path to getting back to normal. but at the same time, if i didn't say this then i feel like I'm mental-health-trapping her because she thinks if she leaves me ill kms??? like baby trapping but not really. anyway idk. she said 'this is a lot, i need time' which is totally fair and i will give it to her, but honestly now i feel I've been TOO real and she'll be like 'yeah i actually don't need talic in my life' and that may send me spiralling because i have zero support systems (apart from ao3 LMAO) without her.

oh well. if it works out it will, if it doesn't then its better for both of us in the long-run ig. just sad I've ruined another 5 year long friendship because of my alcoholic clingy stupid mental-health-issue-ridden ass.

lol

im ok dw. i truly want what's best for her and if its a life without me then i accept it. i will not be selfish and take more from her like i have. besides having zero friends will legit make me go out and make more because i die without social interaction (i say not showing up to uni for the third day week in a row because I'm lowkey agoraphobic and high-key depressed)

slay. perhaps i will write the most gut-churning sad angst to cope

#talic.life #tw: mental health #tw vent

1 note · View note

weabooweedwitch · 11 months

Note

Hey I gotta agree with the other person plz get away from ur mother. Ur honestly too talented and capable to let someone drag u down like that. I rlly believe you’ll be so much better off away from her. Half of your problems are literally directly caused by her and the other half are propagated by her. I wish you the best bc this world is so already hard to navigate and ur mom is making it way worse than it needs to be.

Aw thank you sweetie that honestly means so much to hear 🥺 and honestly I had childhood trauma so I've always kind of had mental health issues but sometimes I just sit and think of things she said or did to me that arguably directly contributed to specific complexes I have and behavioral issues

Like I used to say "I'm sorry" all the time, and kinda still do, when other people would tell me bad news they were going through and like to this day I feel some sort of personal guilt when I can't help someone, because like, I would be an actual child and I'd be in the car with my mom while she was driving and she'd be venting and I was "the rock" I was "the least difficult child" I was "the mature one" and she would basically use me as friend and therapist a lot and she would be going on and on for significant amounts of time about things I literally didn't understand and wasn't really appropriate to tell me

"--and I'm so tired of my coworkers, they whisper to each other sometimes and I JUST KNOW they're talking about me, I swear some of them are only there to fill quotas, and then this bill ran through early and my check bounced and my account is overdrawn"

"I'm really sorry mom :( I don't know what a check bouncing means though"

"Oh well it means--" bitch ya shoulda stopped right there like she literally told me about adult issues and adult financial problems that were quite literally beyond my understanding and I would feel helpless that I couldn't fix or help all these problems she had and I felt BAD and I felt GUILTY and I would just apologize all the time to the point I had friends kind of get mad I apologized so much

I would repeat conversations I had with her to other people sometimes even professionals like therapists and they'd tell me she was wildin out and I'd get mad and tell her "yeah well my therapist that you like so much and you think is doing such a good job told me it's unrealistic to expect you to change and I should just try and work around your behavior" "yeah well thats only because he heard one side of the story, if he spoke to ME he would be on MY SIDE" and repeat that 'one side' argument infinitely until I still never know if I'm just an overdramatic whiny little baby or if my feelings are valid (and I do legitimately have emotional issues and stuff so, yeah I can sometimes have issues, and those never really got solved either, just mocked I guess)

I'm just like. Afraid to turn my back on her because every other day its a new problem. The other week I hear her on the phone, she's saying she didn't realize it was still around, was it gathering interest, how much is it now, and afterwards I ask her and it's an old car she had some sort of payment or whatever on and she now owes, what I assume to be thousands. And she's had several cars since that one and even our current car is falling apart. It's at the point she makes a small mistake and I'm in instant rage mode because it's like GIRL CAN YOU EVEN DO ONE THING FOR ONE WEEK WITHOUT-- like I'll literally want to actually shake sense into her but like she's 58. She's like this forever.

I'm still mad about that pill thing that happened. She took tons of pain meds without even really counting or leaving space in between doses "oh because i just wanted the pain to stop" to the point where I called poison control and they said she was lucky to not be getting sick and then i get off the phone and she. Doesn't even care. "I knew what I was doing, you're overreacting, you need to be on medications for this" like, it. It makes me want to scream because she's constantly trying to force me to have pity for her, years and years of venting and complaining to the point I WOULD TELL HER TO HER FACE I DIDNT CARE AND SHE WOULD STILL KEEP TALKING, but then when I actually bring up legitimate concerns or issues like her almost POISNING HERSELF she has the fucking NERVE to say that to me???? I have an actual completely valid legitimate concern and you have A LICENSED PHYSICIAN TELLING YOU DIRECTLY "yeah I'm extremely surprised you're not in significant digestive distress and throwing up" and she tells me I'm OVERREACTING???

Like. I sit and I think. So much of my life involves her SILENCING me? I'll try to have an adult conversation to fix our issues because unlike her I've actually had therapy and she'll just "im done talking about this, every day you're nasty, you don't get to speak to me like that (even if I'm being nice and just pointing out her issues), what about all the times YOU did XYZ" like to feel like I could literally hand her a glowing hot pink chemical "this will literally give you cancer" and she would reply "no I had a friend in high-school who says this is a multivitamin" and she'd drink it. You can have EVIDENCE and multiple people telling her she is wrong and she either SHUTS YOU DOWN AND REDUSES TO TALK AT ALL or she just outright tells you you're stupid and wrong and emotional and have issues. Like. No wonder I don't trust myself. No wonder I have anger issues that are getting worse. She will literally NEVER listen to me. She will text me on my phone to fetch her water just because she had a headache but I can literally be so congested I'm struggling to breathe and she LET THE LITTERBOX ACTUALLY MOLD WHILE WAITING FOR ME TO RECOVER SO I COULD DO IT like. I love her but I hate her and I'm embarrassed and ashamed of her. But she also IS competent in the sense she kept me and my sister alive as a single mom but I mean, she also gave both of us huge issues and I kinda wish she had put us up for adoption

And it sucks because she has her old childhood trauma and mental health issues too. But I can't help but wish that my father had never lost custody. He may have had some ups and downs over his life but he was at least able to maintain better than my mom. Like for example he blew through a lot of his savings by getting a hobby racing cars at a racetrack and now doesn't really have anything, but like, at least he had that money to spend to begin with. My mom has to dip into a 401k whenever she actually has one. She will basically have to keep working until she can't sit in a chair anymore. I fear becoming her, or at least, more like her than I already am.

Just. Oof. Trying to take things one step at a time, but also considering other options for the future, and of course I have nice people like yourself offering advice and support and that's helpful in of itself ❤️ hopefully all of us can have some personal peace in this wild hectic world of ours 😩

0 notes

vrncalodge · 2 years

Text

holy fck i forgot this existed. i use to vent here about the MORE serious stuff cuz i had friends on twitter. i wish i didn’t have to come back here at all but damn bro…i mean like im not DEPRESSED. like im definitely happier compared to 2019-2020. things have been better since i quit social media, editing, made new friends (well technically not new friends since i already knew them but we weren’t friends back then and no we are). nwayss idk if it’s seasonal depression cuz u know -ber season is upon us but im not good. im not happy. im not contented. i feel like shit. i applied for a job last month and i didn’t go through with it cuz they said i can only start at september and that’s also when i start school. but also i wasn’t confident going into it. i just really wanted money and i didn’t know where else to look. so yeah it didn’t happen. i just tell people they didn’t hire me but i was the one that quit. i was not up to it anymore and felt defeated. ok i dont wanna talk about this anymore cuz i will cry so let’s just talk about this month. august. by taylor swift. jk so august is almost ending which is probably why im getting sadder by the day. last time i hung with friends was july 31st cuz it was a friend’s bday. it was fun but i would not do it again. so yeah it literally has been a month. it’s also been atleast 2 weeks since i stopped smoking which is possibly one of the reasons im fcking sad but idk im tryna quit(?) i literally dont know what for. im not quitting for health issues, smoking helps with my anxiety and depression so even though im risking my physical health my mental health is thriving. but since i haven’t smoked in a while, im fucked both physically and mentally. i stopped smoking cuz i thought it was the reason i was having terrible sleep but nope, still an insomniac. this september we have to go to my moms home to visit and um that has been giving me major anxiety attacks that i can’t sleep. every single reaction with a relative has been hard. it’s mentally draining and u get sick of hearing all the “omg what happened ur so fat now” “did they lock u up in the kitchen my god”. i try to smile through them and act like “haha yeah i know, so big now” but damn bro u really got nothing else to say? i could literally end world hunger and that will be the only thing they say about me. idk im just rambling, im tired bro. im reading a lot tho so that’s good for me. i read 3 books in august, bad books but still a win.

0 notes

finelinevogue · 3 years

Note

the fact that Y/N has post natal depression Is somewhat refreshing idk I just don't see it talked about much on here and if it is it's like Hella angsty and the partner doesn't understand what it is but I was wondering if u could touch on it a bit more cause it's something I'm really scared about happening to me and I just want harry to hold me and tell me it's going be okay 😚😚😚😚

P.s. if u don't wanna it's understandable

anon: can u write about harry helping y/n through her ppd maybe like the 3rd time was so bad that h decide that he won’t be having more children

so this was requested twice so i would love to be able to write this for you both, hope this is okay - mind it’s heavily angsty!;

tw: vomiting, ppd and od

oli - 4, felix - 3, belle - 12 weeks

Motherhood was really fucking hard.

The birth of your newly born daughter, Isabella, had really taken a back pedal on your mental health. You had suffered with post natal depression after the birth of your two sons, but nothing as bad as this.

It had hit you around the 7 week mark after giving birth. The pregnancy itself was okay, even though she was slightly premature, but it was after you’d taken her home that it’d all spiralled downhill. It started with complications with her breastfeeding - like she was rejecting the milk that you had produced. It hurt to see her reject you and your body, finding more comfort in drinking from a pre-made milk bottle as her dad rocked her to sleep. You recall the evening so clearly and felt like an utter failure as you watched her drink a bottle of formula for the first time.

“Ssh ssh,” Harry cooed to your 7 week old daughter as he rocked her in his arms on the rocking chair in her nursery. She was whining because she was hungry, but the problem was that she wasn’t accepting your milk. She hadn’t been accepting your milk all day and now it was becoming dangerous for you to keep on saying ‘Oh i’ll just try later.’ Harry had told you to make a formula bottle for her. “Mummy’s coming.”

As much as you didn’t want to, you were walking back to the nursery with a warm bottle in your hands. You’d tested it on your hand to make sure it wasn’t too hot and then taken a sip to taste it, out of jealousy, and you thought that it didn’t taste any different to you. Then again you’re not a 7 week old human whose only date is milk.

“Look here’s mummy with your yummy milk, okay? Look Belles!” Harry cooed at his darling angel and you only wished he wasn’t as happy for her as he was.

“Yeah.” You spoke softly, handing him the bottle and standing nearby, part of you hoping that she would reject this too and she wasn’t just rejecting you.

But no, she drank the formula like it was her last meal.

“Such a sweet girl, aren’t you?” Harry praised her, watching her in awe as she kept on drinking the formula. Watching as she was drinking to become the strong girl you knew she’d become. It just hurt that it wasn’t you that could help her become that.

You felt powerless. Worthless, even. The one thing that you had carried the weight of your breasts around to do and you couldn’t even do it. Your nipples were so sore and your breasts ached so badly and it was all for nothing. Perhaps it was punishment for being such a bad mum. Perhaps you’d never been good enough for this job and it was your bodies way of shutting you down forever. You wouldn’t need the ability to produce milk anymore, because you weren’t worth the title of becoming one again. You wanted to be happy for your little one, seeing her happy but all you felt was rejection and sadness. She didn’t think you were good enough to be her mum and that really hurt.

Along with the breastmilk problem, Belle also became very stubborn when you wanted to change her nappy. Anytime you tried to change and help her she put up a fuss, kicking her legs and sometimes she would bite or hit you away. It was just a reminder that you weren’t a good enough mum for her and that she didn’t feel safe enough around you. She didn’t find comfort in your presence and she was so fussy about what you did around her. With Harry, though, she was an angel. She loved him so much and obviously he made her feel so loved and safe - something you’d clearly never be able to give her.

There was also the chores of being a mother to your other two sons too. Oli and Felix were old enough to understand that they had a baby sister, but they weren’t old enough to understand how miserable you were. Harry wasn’t even able to figure it out yet. You tried your best to put on your bravest face, knowing that your family needed you to be strong but the truth was that you were crumbling on the inside. You were feeling less and less like yourself and you were waiting for the moment when you’d completely fall apart. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was just numb.

“You two boys okay?”

You walked into the children’s playroom see that they were sat at the little table colouring in. Felix’s little legs dangled slightly, whereas Oli’s legs touched the floor and it made your heart swell at how big they were both getting.

“Yep!” Oli cheered, scribbling with his left hand as his tiny tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated - a habit passed onto him from his father.

“What are you both drawing?” You asked, coming over and kneeling on the floor beside them and having a peek at their drawings.

“We’re colouring for daddy.” Felix answered, some of the words not being pronounced properly due to his young lisp and lack of being taught how to say things correctly yet.

His words stung though. You appreciated that he was only a toddler and he meant nothing evil or malicious by it, but it hurt to think that maybe, just maybe, your sons were doing this for their dad because he did so much more for them than you did. Of course you tried to be the best mum you could, but maybe you weren’t doing enough. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a mum after all, or at least not a good one.

“O-oh,” you tried to hold back the tears in your eyes because your boys looked so proud at their artwork - and you should be too. “Tell me about them then, my loves.”

Oli went first, “So this is me and this is Oli and this is dad. It’s us playing football like we did the other day, mummy.” He pointed out to each of the figures, some looking actually quite terrifying but you’d never have the heart to tell him that. The figures were all holding hands though and it hurt to think that you weren’t a part of that.

“Oh that’s so good Ols!” you rubbed his head of hair and then turned to Felix’s, “What about you Fix?”

“I drew daddy as the best.” He pointed to a trophy that the figure - more like a stick-man-slenderman - was holding, which was decorated with the award of ‘my hero’.

“I told him to write hero, mummy.” Oli added, and you smiled at both of them.

“Well done. Good job both of you. Daddy will love these!” You only wished that they would draw something for you. You hated to think that you were being petty, but honestly you just wanted to feel loved. “Shall I go cut up some apple for a snack, hey?” You asked, trying to feel useful.

“Daddy is making us smoothies!” Felix answered and you had to stand up, up and away from their heigh, so they didn’t catch the tears in your eyes.

“Okay! Don’t forget to give him those pictures - he’ll love those.” You praised them and they both giggled to each other.

The sight of your sons laughing should’ve made you so happy, but it only reminded you that you weren’t the source of their happiness. You weren’t on their mind enough to be their inspiration for drawings. You definitely weren’t their hero. You were just a woman to them, not a mum. You wanted to be so much more but it was clear that they didn’t need you. They were loved by their dad and each other, not in need of your heart.

Eventually Belle settled down and was sleeping better through the night, leaving you and Harry to much more peaceful nights sleep. Well, just Harry.

You had found it near impossible to get to sleep now. You lay awake at night wondering when Belle would next wake up, wondering when she’d next need you. Harry was always quick out of bed though, even if he actually was sleeping, to help her ordering you to stay in bed and rest yourself. You couldn’t help feel like he was telling you to stay put because he knew you wouldn’t be able to do your job properly - and you started to believe him.

You’d found yourself getting jealous of those that could get to sleep. When you were walking down the road you’d judge a person by how much sleep they looked like they got last night. You definitely looked like you only had 2 hours - even when you’d only had 37 minutes but who’s counting? Your dark circles were heavily noticeable, but no one cared enough to ask. Even Harry stayed clear of you more and more often; spending more time with the kids than you and sleeping on his side of the bed instead of yours at nighttime.

There had been one evening where you had been so restless that Harry had gotten so frustrated and left the room, with a blanket and a pillow, and slept on the couch. You’d never felt so much like a burden than that night. Your family was rejecting you and you felt like a failure. You were a success at failing in everything. The meals you cooked went half eaten by everyone because you would’ve forgotten to add a key ingredient. The children preferred to spend more time playing with their dad because you weren’t energised enough to play the games they wanted to. Your daughter still rejected your milk. It was all too much and you just wanted one nights peace for it to change.

Last night had been that night.

Fuck these were so addicting. You were finally getting the sleep that you so badly craved, only with the help of tablets.

You wanted the sleep because that was the one place you could escape to. You needed that escape to help you get out of bed the next morning. Life was too hard for you to not dream, and without dreaming you didn’t want life.

It started off with taking one every night before bed, but then they stopped working again, so you started taking two, then three. Four was obviously where your body hit its limit.

“Mummy? Can you come tuck me in please?” Oli asked, little toy giraffe in hand and shaking you in hopes of waking you up to send him peacefully off to sleep.

You’d gone to bed a bit earlier tonight, lying saying that you were extremely exhausted. Harry said he would be able to handle things and that’s when you excitedly ran upstairs to take your pills; 4 of them. You’d made it into your bed, feeling slightly drowsy after completing your nighttime routine, but then you started to feel unwell and really ill. Before you’d passed out you’d stuck your fingers down your throat in hopes to make the feeling in your stomach disappear, but it ended up you throwing up all over the bed and pass out right there.

“Mummy! Wake up!” Oli rattled your back, but you were still unresponsive.

Oli padded out of the room and down to his sisters room where he knew his dad was. Belle was being extra fussy this evening and Harry suspected it had everything to do with you retiring early. He heard Oli come into the room just as he’d gotten Belle down.

“Y’alright buddy?” Harry whispered, tip-toeing out of Belle’s room, leaving the door open slightly, and crouched down in front of him.

“No. Mummy’s not waking up.” Oli pouted, rubbing a tired fist over his eye.

“She’s probably in dreamland, bud. She was really tired today.”

“She’s really tired all of the times.”

“I know, Ol.” Because Harry did know, but he was too much of a coward to face up to the problem. The doctors had said that post natal depression can strengthen with every birthed child, but he was too blind sighted by the fact that you’d overcome the first birthed post natal depression so quickly, and was so in love with his baby girl, that he didn’t truly see how bad things had gotten. Harry had tried giving you some space, distancing himself from you in bed and spending more time with the kids so you could relax and rest up, but nothing seemed to be working. He was surprised, actually, that you’d been having better sleep recently and so was hopeful that maybe the worst of the depression was over.

Hell, was he so wrong.

“Go to bed, bud okay? I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Wake mummy up so she can give me a kiss.”

“I’ll try little man, alright?” Harry scuffed his sons hair and then watched him walk off to his room.

Harry walked into your dark room, the air smelling slightly sour, and walked around to your side of the bed. He sat down next to you sighed heavily. He needed to speak to you, no matter how tired or angry you’d be with him. He was losing you as a wife and a mother and a soulmate and a lover. He was just losing you, just as you were losing yourself and he was doing tip-toeing around the problem any longer. He was going to try and make this better. He was going to better understand how you were feeling in order to help you.

“Baby?” He spoke softly, nudging you gently, “Baby wake up.” No response. “Y/N, my love? Wake up for me darling, need to speak with you.” Normally you would’ve stirred by now but there was still nothing. “Y/N?” Harry shook you a bit more urgently now - one that would surely wake even the deepest of sleepers. “Y/N!” He shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly for the comfort of his children.

He turned you over and that’s when he knew this was very, very, bad.

Your face was pale grey and your mouth was covered in the remains of vomit, and he suddenly understood the gross sour smell from before. Your hair was greasy and stuck all in the wet sick all over your face. Your eyes were puffy from the remains of tears. You looked dead.

“No, no, no. Y/N! No you don’t.” Harry’s eyes starting weeping and he couldn’t think straight. He checked your pulse on your wrist and timed it - it was unhealthily faint. He wouldn’t be surprised if you were in your last beats of your heart. His tears and sobs were uncontrollable, but he had to be both strong for you and his children, as well as for him. “Fuck sake pull yourself together Harry. Okay, baby hold on please. Okay? You don’t get to leave me like this, you hear me? I love you so much, baby. Fuck i’m so sorry.” He gently placed your head back down on the pillow and pulled out his phone.

999

“What’s your emergency?”

“I need a-an ambulance p-please. I-I think my wife i-is dying.”

The rest of it was a blur for Harry. Him trying to wake you up. The ambulance arriving. Oli and Felix crying when they saw you being carried away on a stretcher. Belle’s deafening screams. Harry’s heart beating for the both of you.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was the rhythmic beeping sounds that woke you up.

Your whole body felt achey and sore, your head a pounding mess. You opened your eyes slowly, adjusting them to the light of the room. You expected to see the family photo on the wall opposite you and the white of your curtains, but you were met with a heart-monitor machine and a hospital bed instead. You looked down at your body and noticed a cannula in your arm, making you squirm because you hated stuff like that so much. Your nose had a tube running inside it too, feeding you the oxygen your lungs weren’t receiving properly.

It then dawned on you how you weren’t in the room alone. You saw a sleeping Anne and Gemma on the chairs in the far corner, with Felix and Oli tucked against their sides - Anne with Oli and Felix with Gemma. It was so cute to see them so cuddled up close. They looked peaceful. You took note of the baby pram that was at the end of your bed, most likely playing bed to your beautiful daughter. Your mind felt lost. You can’t really remember what had happened, apart from taking four of those sleeping pills. You fully remember the weight of feeling worthless and useless as both a mum and a wife, though, and that feeling was still very prominent.

Your eyes lastly landed to the side of you, where Harry was sat but also laid on your bed. The top of half of his body laid upon the bed, his head buried onto this arm deep within the bed, whilst his bottom stayed rooted to the chair. His hand was holding yours tightly, which was a sign that he wasn’t asleep. You were so scared to face him though. You had failed him, again and again and you weren’t sure whether you could be enough for him anymore. Enough for your family anymore.

You squeezed his hand three times saying ‘I love you.’

“Y/N,” He whispered so hoarsely, but you were so focused on him to even catch it. He looked ruined, and you’d done that to him. His eyes were dark and tired, but also red and puffy from where he’d been crying. His hair was a mess and you could tell it hadn’t been washed in a while. How long had you been out for? You felt rested in your sleep, but not in your mind or your heart.

“I—” Your breathe got caught in your throat, but you persevered to finish your words. He deserved to here them. “I’m sorry.” You were whispering so you didn’t disturb anyone else in the room.

“No, stop it. I’m sorry baby.”

“Harry don’t, you don’t have anyt—”

“Stop yes I do I—”

“Harry please you don’t owe—”

“Y/N listen!” He cut the little volley-conversation and ordered you to just stop. You started crying when you saw that he was too. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right now. Because I love you. Fuck, I do. I love you so much that when I found you unconscious in a pile of your own sick thinking you were dead, my only thought was that I wished it were me instead”.

“Harry, you don’t mean—”

“My god Y/N! You don’t get it, do you? I would do anything to switch places with you right now. I would suffer a thousand times over if it meant you were okay. I’d suffer in hell for you. Nobody else but you has ever made me feel like this. I married you because I love you and I want to wake up next to you every day of my beating hearts life. I chose to have children with you, because I knew how great of a mum you’d be and what beautiful people you’d help bring up into the world—”

“But i’m not.” You cut Harry short, trying to pull your hand away from him but he didn’t let you - only tightening his grip and pulling himself closer towards you. He was so close you could kiss him.

“Not what?” He asked, although he already knew the answer. You’d both had this conversation before, but you were both tired of it and were ready for it to be your last now.

“A good mum. I’m- i’m not a good mum or wife, Harry and i’m sorry.”

“I told you not say it and stop thinking it, because you’re completely wrong Y/N. You’re a good mother and a good wife, because you are a good person.”

“But i’m not great.” You whimpered, thinking back to the drawings your Oli and Felix had done. “I’m not the best.”

“But you don’t have to be, baby. You see our beautiful, healthy, happy and safe babies over there?” Harry turned to look at them, love in his eyes as in yours. “They wouldn’t be all those things, no matter how you feel about yourself, without you. I could never have brought them up to be half the people they are without you by my side, the way you make me a better person. You claim you don’t got this, but baby you’re already doing it and have been doing it for 5 years with our children and so much longer with me.”

“I’m just so fucked up Harry.” Your head tilted back on the pillow as you got heavily emotional over the situation.

Harry shook his head and moved his hand to cup the back of your neck, moving your head forwards until it met his. The touch of his skin against yours, no matter where and how small, made you feel alive and you’d missed him and that feeling so much. You missed loving him so much.

“Listen to me.” He ordered, keeping you still. “You are strong and you are brave Y/N Styles. No matter what you tell yourself I will be here every goddamn day of my life, if I have to, to remind you that you are worth more than your fucking weight in gold. You are my heart. You are my soul and the mother to my greatest achievements. I know they are yours too, just as I know I am your heart.

“You are.” You whispered so quietly under your breathe, but Harrys heart warmed when he caught you saying it. He knew though.

“Just let me love you. Let me be there for you. If you want medication then let’s do it, and i’ll be there for every step of the way. If you want to go to a rehabilitation centre for a bit, that’s okay we can—”

You shook your head and licked the tears away from your face. You were both such tearful messes, but the love between you was undeniable. “No, no please, no.”

“Okay, okay, love. We won’t. See, you’re okay. I promise, you’re okay. Stay with me, yeah? I’ll love you and keep you safe, just as you will me.”

“Promise.” You told him sincerely. He brought his lips to yours with that single word. He was so proud of your for being so brave and strong. He wishes he was half the person you were. His lips conveyed those thoughts of his and you could taste the love and passion burning through his heart and out on to his lips. He tasted like home. z he was home. Your lips smacked together messily, but you didn’t care because you loved each other too much and had kissed each other even more. Once you pulled back he stayed close to you, smiling at you with such awe. “I think.. I think I want to try medication please.”

Harry didn’t say ‘okay’ or ‘sure thing’, no. He said four words that meant more to you in that moment that any others in the universe. More than saying ‘I love you.’ Words that reminded you that not everything is okay and that sucks really bad, but you’re doing your best to get through it. It was a reminder that you had so many people who loved you and cared for you. It was a gun at the starting line symbolising that the journey ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but worth it.

“I’m proud of you.”

685 notes · View notes