Look, I haven’t been able to properly write in months.

Perhaps it’s just the thing that’s like, well, I’d rather read than write anyway, and I really have been reading more fanfic than writing it lately. Everything I’ve written was related to my introspective personal thoughts. A modern Pete Wentz, one might say. I think this was mostly because of the fact that I’m usually surrounded by people, and i feel strange writing fic with people who are so ABLE to just look over my shoulder and see what I’m doing. It’s a little scary, I’ll be honest. They’ll be like what are you doing? And I’ll be like torturing my favorite characters uwu, and then they’ll probably be like wow, you’re a freak and a nerd or something demoralizing like that. 

And we’ve got the writers on tumblr. I mean, I follow inkskinned, I’ve seen their free form poetry, and it’s really good. So I was like well, maybe I could get away with just writing freeform and posting it here, because the thing is, I just can’t write about others anymore. But the other thing is, I don’t want to directly be copying the ideas of someone, and I know sometimes I do that subconsciously. Really, truly, I can’t do anything in life without following a roadmap. I think that I have been SO consumed with media my entire life that I feel as though I have to have my life look like a story or I might just go insane. This might be because I need the guarantee of a happy ending, or at least a hopeful one; the girl gets the girl, the girl goes to the college she wants to, the girl lives a good happy life and against all odds, beats the chances. But I’m not on the same paths as those characters, and I’m not on the same paths as my idols, either. So that leaves me in this weird space where I don’t really know what to do with my life because the circumstances just don’t match up, and I have no guidance.

Yeah, yeah, I’ve got therapy. My therapist, Ms A, told me to stop thinking of my life as a movie. You can’t keep pretending your life is a story, Toby, is more along the lines of what she said. If you know me in real life, you know how much I listen to music. It’s almost a lifestyle at this point. You can take the girl out of the music but you can’t take the music out of the girl. I want to be a singer, like Hayley Williams or Alex Gaskarth. The thing is, though, they got their starts so early, and can play instruments, and overall they lived in an era where I just DON’T. The circumstances will NEVER LINE UP. So I try to follow roadmaps. I try to find a person with experiences close enough to mine that I can follow the traits of.  

In the music industry, there are two flips of the same coin. It basically goes like this: you either sing about love and sex, or you sing about depression. And I can’t really sing about either.

I’m not going to deny it. I’m privileged. My parents are together and supportive of most things and their relationship is fine. We have a good house. My grades are on the decent side. I’m definitely not at my peak (I would hope my peak isn’t in high school) but I’m definitely not at my lowest low, either. We have enough money for food and necessities, plus occasional trips. You could categorize us as middle class. 

And I guess I haven’t really suffered enough emotionally or physically to call myself depressed. You know? Because when you think about it, there’s really nothing wrong with me. I’m not ADHD or autistic (my brother is both), although I’ve been told I’m just in denial by several sources. My home life is… fine, most of the time. Like, what do I have to complain about? I’m so ungrateful because I’m fortunate and yet I’m discontent. It would almost make the average person feel like there is something wrong with them. Why don’t I feel content? Why do I always want more? There is no forging my own path. There is only following these previously carved roads somewhere I think is home. 

When I have panic attacks (which sounds concerning, but I only get them like, twice a year, it’s fine) I put in the absolute loudest, noisiest music I can stand. Like, ‘I Am My Own Muse’ or ‘Famous Last Words’ or ‘Death Of An Executioner’. And then I close my eyes and get up on that mental stage. Just picture it. There are phone flashlights waving back and forth. Stadium packed up to the gate. They’re all there to see me. They cheer when I walk on, because they care. A million people care who I am and I don’t even know who they are. I’m playing that song that’s not mine but singing it like it is, and I am universally loved. 

And, yeah. That’s the dream. I’m famous and the media’s darling and I get to do my thing up there in front of a crowd begging on their knees to hear my words. 

But it’s not going to happen. I mean, how would it? I can’t live out this dream because I haven’t followed the right path, haven’t traced the road through the line between fanfiction and real life. I hate the idea of creating a new road. I hate the idea of drawing a new way, even though that is exactly what the people I admire have done. I’m this pathetic mess of conscious thought and feeling. 

Look, I could type my insecurities on a doc for ages. It could end up a memoir. Toby’s Lament, it would read. Tales from the girl who didn’t know what to do with herself, so she just did nothing. If Joe Trohman can write a memoir, I sure as hell can. This all reads as petty, self pitying bitching, I’m sure. Honestly, looking back on this, I seem like a privileged asshole. But hey. I just wrote two pages worth of words in google docs. So I think, if it gets me writing again, it might just be worth it for that. 

disney and pixar really said it's time to confront your mommy issues

I receive a Lot of asks from folks who are struggling and are trying to identify Why That Is, and a lot of the time will ask me about symptoms, if they’re considered “bad enough”, what they should do, talk about how they are scared to pursue help or a diagnosis or anything like that because the fear of “faking it”, or the realization that they’re actually just lazy.

But! Ok, first of all. i’ve been there! my entire life, worried that the reason i’m Like This is laziness, that i’m going to never find out why i’m like i am, and the thing everyone has told me (that i’m just lazy) was true! but really, i don’t believe in laziness anymore. i honestly don’t think it’s real. i think it’s just lack of motivation, and often times, that can be traced to something else- a temporary cause to being lazy rather than a permanent personality flaw. this is important in being able to recognize executive dysfunction, why it happens, how to deal with it, and why it doesn’t make you a bad person.

There’s a reason you’re exploring these feelings, there’s a reason you’re researching, why you’re asking me, why you’re here and wanting that validation! You don’t want to be told that your struggles aren’t real. And you shouldn’t be! I can’t diagnose you, I can’t tell you how you feel, I can’t watch your life and tell you if you fit the bill- but that doesn’t mean I can’t say you’re Allowed to struggle. you’re Allowed to question your brain and your motivation and your symptoms no matter What could be causing them!

Secondly: ADHD activism isn’t.. it isn’t just about ADHD. i don’t have to tell you about the idea of intersectionality, and all that (just go read Kimberly Crenshaw’s piece on it, she can say it better than I ever could)- but basically, once you start addressing the systematic inequality that one group faces, you realize there’s overlap. with. Everything. and that’s good! that’s so important in being able to recognize privilege, in being able to empathize, to expand your knowledge of others!

So my point is this:

- Accommodations shouldn’t just be available for students and employees with ADHD diagnoses.

The coping strategies and skills made for ADHD people should be available to anyone who needs them- if someone who has anxiety is going to benefit from extra testing time, why deny that? if activism and accommodations for folks with ADHD are meant to uplift a group that struggles inordinately in comparison to our peers, why shouldn’t that extend to Everyone who struggles inordinately? Who can’t access or afford a diagnosis? Why gate-keep people without “official diagnoses” because they don’t have something on paper to say they struggle? That doesn’t mean their struggles aren’t any less real.

Back when i was figuring out if i had ADHD, I was too scared to reach out to blogs on tumblr because while I saw my experiences reflected to a tee in people’s posts about their lives, i saw an equal amount of misdirected anger at people “appropriating” the idea of ADHD, anger at folks self-diagnosing, and anger at anyone who related but “didn’t have adhd” - i’m sure you get the point. and yes, while saying “we’re all a little adhd” and “wow i procrastinate all the time i’m just like you” can trivialize people’s struggles, it’s important to realize that not everyone Knows they have adhd, not everyone Knows the symptoms because it is grossly misrepresented on like, EVERY piece of media with an adhd character i’ve ever seen. so of course people aren’t gonna know! and gatekeeping and pretending folks with diagnoses have some sort of “authority” on who gets to use adhd terms and resources only excludes people who need help and also is really weird.

(I know i know a lot about this because i’ve dedicated a lot of time and energy into it but like. i’m just a random dude. you know?)

Also! getting a diagnosis (in america, at least) is hard! and expensive! really expensive! Please try to understand that before you talk about people (yes. even yourself.) self-diagnosising “to be special” or what have you, and understand the classist undertones of what you’ve been taught! (And a lot of people of color are overlooked, and a lot of AFAB people are overlooked, and a lot of people with anxiety/depression symptoms are misdiagnosed, and... you get it.)

While i’m at it, we need to talk about how ADHD folks speak about addicts. it is Not addicts faults that adhd meds are hard to get, stigmatized, expensive, and controlled. You can blame (if you’re american) the war on drugs and big pharma restricting access to helpful resources (like medication and therapy) that BOTH adhd folks And addicts need! Individuals are not at fault. this is a systematic issue. Not to mention that people with adhd are Extremely likely to develop substance abuse because of the self medication aspect of it. It’s almost absurd how high the rates are, and stigmatizing addiction because of the lack of resources for all of us only further divides our own community.

anyway, you don’t have to prove to Anyone that you have it “bad enough” to deserve help, to deserve validation, and to deserve resources. your experiences are enough. i hope this helps a bit

No Filter

Summary: After a mission goes wrong and you get hit with an electromagnetic shockwave, you discover you have lost your inner monolog... anything you think, you say. When the rest of the team head out for a night on the town, you stay behind, and you find yourself having a very honest conversation with Bucky

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Warnings: Smut, NSFW, 18+, Tropes, Friends to Lovers, Fingering, Oral Sex, Unprotected Sex, Bucky has a big dick, Spanking, Doggy Style.

I have decided to start posting oneshots on Tumblr as well as AO3 again. Anything more than 1 chapter will be an AO3 exclusive, as i now have too many stories to create a masterlist. If you are looking for past stories please check out my AO3 on THIS link, there are over 150 stories on there so there’s something for everyone. AO3 LINK.  I do not operate a tag list, but instead please follow @angryschnauzerwrites​ and put that blog onto notifications to be alerted when i post something new.

No Filter

Groaning as you dragged your weary body along the empty hallway to the kitchen, your head pounded, and you desperately needed a drink. Rounding the corner you groaned again when you saw the communal kitchen buzzing with familiar and friendly faces when all you wanted was peace and quiet.

“Heeyyy there she is!”

Sam smiled at you as he poured a cup of coffee and set it on the counter in front of you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pressing a friendly kiss to the top of your head;

“How are you feeling? Any of the treatments taken affect yet?”

 You shook your head;

 “Urgh, I feel like a racoon that has been hit by a semi-truck and left on the side of the road. We were in the lab until 3am doing tests but nothing seems to have taken. Plus, I haven’t pooped yet and I feel really bloated”

The room fell silent before a snort-come-laugh escaped from Steve’s lips;

 “So that’s a no then on the treatment then”

 Groaning you rested your head on the counter, embarrassment heating your skin as you realised what you’d said.

 You’d been on a mission with Clint and Natasha on the Russia Mongolia borderlands, intel had told you the assets were hidden in an ancient abandoned temple, but upon getting there you had discovered it was far from abandoned. The route through the building had been laced with booby traps and hidden dangers, and the Hydra team that had set the traps had been a lot more advanced than intel had told you so. So when you had been hit by a strange ultrasonic wave you had been temporarily rendered deaf and blind, Nat and Clint both having missed targeted ultrasonic waves and had dragged you to safety for an e-vac team to retrieve you.

 Once you had gotten back to the tower you’d been rushed to the med bay, the medical team working quickly and had discovered the ultrasonic had literally scrambled the neuro signals in your brain. It had taken some intrusive electro therapy but over the course of the following days your sight and hearing had returned.

 There had however been an unfortunate side affect; you’d lost your inner monolog. Anything your thought, you said. Your teammates were starting to get used to it, but it didn’t make it any less embarrassing to blurt out your inner most thoughts and had caused friction in some friendships. You’d ended up shutting yourself away in your room for your free time, only venturing out to go to the lab for more tests or to the kitchen.

 You went to leave before grabbing your coffee, only for Sam to catch your hand softly;

 “Look, if you’re backed up coffee won’t help. Here…” he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and quickly loaded multiple pieces of fruit into a bowl for you; “... it can be a sign of dehydration. So, keep the water intake up and eat some fruit. Perhaps take a walk”

 Taking the items from him you kept your head down;

 “Thanks Sam”

 -

 Sitting in the roof garden you tossed the apple core into the composter, downing the last of the water and tossing the bottle into the plastic recycling. Deciding to wander around the roof garden one last time you were aimlessly walking beneath the vines that had climbed the steps that led down from the executive gym when you heard voices above you, looking up and seeing Steve and Bucky chatting post workout;

 “Listen Buck, the whole team is gonna be going out tonight, why don’t you come?”

 “Nah, I have some reading to do”

 “Why won’t you get out there? Find some girl, get laid?”

 Bucky laughed at Steve’s suggestion;

 “Listen Punk, my hand is just fine for my needs”

 Steve laughed and you shook your head, trying to throw any thoughts out of your head before you voiced them as the two men disappeared into the building and back to the living quarters.

 -

 Standing in the hallway as the team primped and preened their outfits, you pulled your robe tighter around your body and smiled. Natasha rested a hand on your arm;

 “Are you sure you won’t come?”

 “I’m sure. I don’t want to make an ass of myself in front of strangers. It’s bad enough doing it in front of you guys”

“Ok. But don’t stay up too late, you should get some rest, a night away from the lab will do you good”

 “Sure thing”

 Waving them off as they finally all had shrugged on jackets and grabbed their purses you shut the door behind them before making your way to the kitchen, finding Bucky standing at the stove.

 “Mmm that smells good”

 He turned and smiled;

 “You want some?”

 “Please, only if there’s enough”

 He grinned and pulled two plates from the cupboard, before serving up for the both of you;

 “Grab a fork and dig in Babe”

 Eating in silence at the breakfast bar it was comfortable, and you were thankful your mind had kept itself under control, that was until Bucky cleared his throat;

 “So, you feeling a bit better now?”

 “Yeah, my head still hurts from the electroshock treatment, but I don’t feel as bloated now as I popped this afternoon”

 The second the words had left your mouth you felt a lump in your throat and your cheeks heat from embarrassment, again;

 “Fuck. I fucking hate this”

 You felt a cool hand on your back, rubbing it softly;

 “Listen, Babe. It’s refreshing… hearing what someone is actually thinking rather than what they want you to hear… it’s the reason why I didn’t want to go out tonight with Sam and Steve… they will listen to whatever girls will tell them, what they want to hear… I’d rather not have some girl tell me what I want to hear and instead be honest”

 “I heard your conversation earlier” you muttered from behind the hands you had clamped over your face

“My conversation?”

 “With Steve. On the roof”

 “Oh...and?”

 “Which hand do you use? FUCK, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ask that, but my brain…”

 “Which hand do I use… OH…”

 Bucky turned you on your bar stood until you were no longer leaning on your elbows, and instead looking at him;

 “Ok Babe, I’ll be honest with you, I use both”

 “Both? Like, alternate, or at the same time?”

 Cocking an eyebrow, he smirked;

 “Yeah, a bit of both… I mean I’m big enough to need two hands, but the feel of the metal hand is awesome, it doesn’t feel like it’s me doing it, whereas the flesh hand gives a skin on skin feel that is better than anything…”

 He rested his hands on your knees and you were speaking before you could realise;

 “Your hands are really big… so your dick must be huge”

 You could feel your throat go tight and your eyes were so wide they almost fell out of their sockets, but Bucky’s soft laugh and the way his hands were still on your knees keeping you in place;

 “I have the serum to thank for helping me along” he paused, a weighted silence before speaking again, his voice low; “Do you want me to kiss you?”

 “Yes”

 He leaned forwards and pressed a kiss to your lips. His touch was soft and as he pulled away you found yourself chasing after him. He rested his hand against your cheek, his skin soft against yours;

 “You said your head still hurts from the treatments. Endorphins help dull the electroshock side effects… when was the last time you had an orgasm?”

 “How do you…? Oh, from when Hydra… Sorry…”

 “Well?”

 “Well what?”

 “When was your last orgasm?”

 “Weeks ago, … I haven’t felt like doing anything… I didn’t realise it would help… I’m always just so tired and not in the mood”

 “Would you like some help?”

 “Yes. I want you to use your hands”

 Bucky slid of his bar stood and pulled you to your feet, taking your hand as he led you down the hallway to his bedroom;

 “I can use my hands, my tongue, my dick, whatever you like”

 “All three”

 Shutting the door behind you he grinned;

 “Yes Ma’am… coming right up”

 “I want you to fuck me bare. I want to feel your metal hand slapping my ass as you fuck me from behind”

 He was pulling your robe and pyjama’s off as he laughed at your requests;

 “Definitely. Would you like me to cum inside or pull out?”

 “I don’t care… no I do… I want to feel you cum inside me…”

 By then you were being pushed back onto his bed, magazines and books haphazardly being pushed aside as he pulled your panties off and looked down at you as he pushed his sweatpants and boxers down in one.

“Wow you weren’t lying… your dick would need both hands”

 “Yup, nice and thick” he lifted it in his hands and weighed it, slapping the palm of his hand against the heavy underside; “This is why I don’t want to date a girl that isn’t honest with me. Most just want me for this, they don’t care about anything else”

 “I’m not like that”

 He crawled onto the bed over you;

 “I know Babe, and that’s why I’m here, with you right now”

 “I’ve had the hots for you since you moved in”

 “You have?”

You nodded and he smiled as he lifted himself over you, his hard length settling between your folds as he kissed you. This time it was hard and fast, his tongue pushing against yours and you found your legs had wrapped themselves around his waist. When he pulled his lips away you whined at the loss, but quickly turned those whines into moans as he pressed kisses down your body and settled his face between your legs;

 “Now, time for some complimentary therapies after your treatments Ma’am”

 His tongue parted your folds as he dived in, his long stubble brushing against your inner thighs and sensitive folds, his hand curling beneath his chin to slide two metal fingers into your already soaked hole. When his fingers crooked just right inside and found that spongy spot while his lips sucked hard on your clit, you came with a scream, your hands curled into his long soft hair. 

 You lay limp on his bed, your eyes closed as the promised endorphins rushed through your bloodstream and did as promised, relieving the tension and pain in your head immediately;

 “You were right”

 You felt Bucky move up the bed and lay beside you, his metal hand trailing over your breasts, the cool metal making your nipples harden;

 “Told you so”

 “How did you used to do it after Hydra did the electro treatments?”

 “I’d do it on the way to the mission, or on the mission...” Turning you looked at him as he gazed up at the ceiling; “I’ve never actually told anyone this… but as you’re Miss No-Filter it feels ok… Because they’d wake me up with the electroshock treatments, so it’d be like starting every day with a hangover. The handlers were used to it, they didn’t say anything if I’d whip my dick out in the back of the vehicle… Sometimes I wouldn’t get chance and I’d be standing in position ready to strike and I’d be there with one hand on my rifle and the other on my dick… I remember one mission where I was sneaking up on one target and they surprised me just as I was cumming; sprayed them with cum just before I shot them”

 “That’s… that’s… wow, my mind is for once empty”

 Bucky grinned and turned to face you;

 “How are you feeling now?”

 “Good… my head feels a lot better”

 “That’s good”

 “But I’d still like you to fuck me”

 He laughed;

 “Absolutely, gotta give you some more of those endorphins”

 He moved until he was on his knees before helping to move you until you were prone before him, ass up and face down, your squeak of surprise as his flesh hand coming down on your ass partially muffled by the pillow;

 “The metal hand please Bucky”

 He chuckled behind you and you felt his hands on your hips, the warmth of his thick thighs against the back of yours;

 “Patience, just warming you up”

 He grasped his hard dick, swiping it up through your folds before you felt the thick head press against your soaked hole. He slowly pushed in, taking it an inch at a time and you felt yourself tense up;

 “Are you going to hurt me?”

 You winced at your words as Bucky stopped;

 “No Babe, I told you I’m big, but I’m gonna make sure your body adjusts to me before I start fucking you”

 He smoothed his warm hand over your back, and you felt your tension start to slip away. His metal hand he’d curled beneath you and the cool touch of that against your clit surprised you but was the touch you needed to zone out and enjoy how he was playing your body like a finely tuned instrument. 

 You hadn’t even been aware of his hips moving until he’d moved his hands back to your hips and praised you softly;

 “Such a good girl, taking me balls deep, I can feel you hugging me so tight… I’m gonna make you feel so good…”

 “Please Bucky… fuck me”

 “Shhh I will Babe”

 He did as promised, ploughing into you as your body adjusted to his size, and yet you could feel every bump ridge and vein on his impressive girth. With every pull the thick vein on the underside would run along your g-spot, with every push his heavy balls would slap against your clit sending shockwaves of pleasure through your body. 

 Soon you found your moans were continual, Bucky doing exactly as promised as he drove into you from behind. You could feel your orgasm approaching and you just needed that one last stimuli… and as if he could read your mind you felt the cooling sting of his metal hand coming down on the round globe of your asscheek, making your head spring up;

 “FUCK. Do it again!”

 SMACK, the other cheek received the same treatment. 

 “Once more, please!” you begged, and only happy to oblige Bucky brought his hand down one final time on your asscheek and you were cumming, your body squeezing his so tight he feared for a moment he wouldn’t be able to get his dick out, but it was the final trigger and with the deepest thrust he spurted this ropes of his release inside you, groaning at his own flood of endorphins hitting his brains receptors. 

 Your bodies slumped into a pile, he pulled you into his arms as you lay side by side, you the little spoon to his big one. That night was the first night in a long time that you fell straight to sleep, dreamless and settled.

 -

 Breezing into the communal kitchen early afternoon you were met by several your teammates slumped at the breakfast bar nursing strong coffees and dark circles under their eyes. 

 “Afternoon everyone!” You were perky and had a spring in your step, having just returned from a yoga class.

 You were met by a quiet chorus of mumbled hellos, and you smiled as you searched the cupboards for a clean mug. Finally resorting to the dishwasher, you bent over and selected a mug, hearing an intake of breath behind you;

 “Hunny, how did you get those marks on your ass?” Natasha asked as she saw your workout shorts ride up.

 Pouring a cup of coffee from the jug you smiled;

 “Oh, that’s where Bucky spanked me as he fucked me last night”

 Steve sprayed his coffee over the counter at your words, Clint paused mid banana and let out a quiet ‘huh’. Before you could say anything else Bucky breezed into the room, fresh from showering after his workout, wrapping his arm around your waist and pressing a kiss to your lips before he snuck your coffee out of your hand and took a deep gulp;

 “You busy this afternoon Babe?”

 “Nope, can we fuck?”

 Thankfully you could lipread Bucky’s answer, as the room erupted into groans and cries of ‘get a room’, and as you left with Bucky’s arm around your shoulder you grinned at him;

 “I like you like this, Miss No-Filter”

svsss: shen qingqiu corpse hot potato (among other things)

so i actually read all this last week and then forgot to finish my post about it but?? here you go. more commentary!

got all the way to chapter 57 and shit is getting wack

“it wasn’t sqq’s first time being kissed” please we need more than little tidbits of shen yuan backstory i want to know more

honestly i’m dying over the commotion over sqq’s corpse. binghe you are so weird (affectionate). really xuexiao’ing it up in here

(for the hundredth time, binghe go to therapy challenge)

sqq holding his own corpse djkhgsds

also oho, beginnings of sqq sexuality crisis: he says he’s definitely straight right now but hmmmmm. we shall see

in general it’s so funny that he’s now Remembered Gay People Exist and it’s just shattered his whole worldview

binghe is seriously so emotionally constipated. he’s getting better at revealing his true feelings and not going the route of either “being too cold” or “straight up lying about his situation” but still.... man. they’ve got soooo much work to do on their communication still lol

oh also!! sqq finally realizing that his lbh is different from og!lbh! and that he shouldn’t just treat him as a character in a novel! that’s progress!!!

i think it would make sense for their respective development to involve like... learning to stop objectifying each other? sqq’s gotten pretty far with this, as his reason for helping binghe now is less out of self-preservation instinct and more out of compassion. i’m comparing it to the places in the beginning where sqq threw lbh in front of monsters and stuff, knowing he’d survive because ~plot armor~ but not considering how lbh might have felt about that.

that same theme even shows up in like jinlan city/the water prison, in the parts where i was complaining about sqq making the system solve problems for him instead of solving problems for himself. because he saw binghe as a problem to be solved with game mechanics rather than with interpersonal skills

it’s really interesting! personally i find sqq’s actions easy to understand/ “justify” but he’s certainly wronged binghe and he’s realizing that now. character development! i really like how the meta stuff plays into it

so! zhuzhi-lang! plothole filling!!!

i knew the snake in the cave was gonna come back :3

i have Thoughts about him and tianlang-jun but i’ll get to that in a moment

so we’ve gone from “rumors about bingqiu fucking” to “an entire ballad about bingqiu fucking” and wow. that is so much. loving sqq’s reactions

if sqq was on tumblr he’d have “do not interact if you support rpf” somewhere on his blog

i like that you can rent swords

the scene with lbh facing off with the peak lords!!! oh man!!!!! emotions

yue qingyuan has huge lan xichen vibes

so has lbh known sqq was alive ever since sha hualing brought him to him? it was a little unclear how long he’s known

SO happy to see shang qinghua again. my BOY. sqq is so fucking mad at him kjhsdjhgjhsds

mobei-jun just fucking tossing him into the center of the room lmao

so i had to switch translations because the one i was reading was unfinished! the other one seems pretty good too though

but it censors swear words :(

also i think it’s interesting that it calls it the sun moon dew seed/plant/flower? instead of mushroom? i guess 芝 (which is afaik a character used to describe it) is ambiguous enough..... idk i went on a bit of a research binge about this the other day lmao because i liked the mushroom plot thing so much

finally sqq is like “alright. i made this mess with lbh so i’m gonna fix it by going with him.” woooo we love character development

poor dude in house arrest though lol. this is not really a great situation and i totally understand why sqq is upset

so i’m not a huge fan of how possessive the love interests of mxtx novels are? like i get it, i know the relationships aren’t supposed to be realistic or totally healthy or whatever, but it’s not my thing. so i hope lbh grows out of it? or at least out of this toxic iteration of it

SQH VISIT HELL YES... MY DUDE...

trash man i love him so much. he’s like. totally rooting for bingqiu to happen it’s so funny. oh and he’s absolutely jealous as well (didn’t it already get established that binghe has a huge dick? well. hmm.)

poor guy lost his cool outline :( was forced to write a shitty harem novel :( the injustice of it all. no one has suffered more than airplane :(

jokes aside i LOVE how he's this.. passionate author who had to tone down the interesting-ness of his ideas because of what his readers wanted. makes him a little bit more sympathetic

ok back to bingqiu. this scene was interesting because i can see where both of them are coming from. both of them have lied to each other! and finally lbh is doing some apologizing

and then they have their whole fucking tussle on the bed which was definitely a little uncomfy (binghe use your words challenge! not everything can be solved by ripping open your crush’s shirt!) but also really hilarious???? idek. they’re just like. wrestling. and lbh likes being hit. ok kinky bitch <3

idk, this was one of the scenes i was warned about because Iffy Consent, and i agree it’s iffy, but personally i didn’t find it that upsetting at all? it seemed pretty clear that binghe was just being dramatic for the hell of it and i wasn’t worried that he’d actually do anything sqq was not ok with. (apart from, yknow, the whole house arrest thing in general lol.) i think i’ve heard there’s some more dubious stuff later on - interested to see what i’ll think of that. really there is so much already that’s fucked up about their relationship - at this point i’m just along for the ride! it’s like that post that’s like “why must a relationship be healthy is it not enough to see two fictional people destroy each other” or whatever it was

anyway. omg sqq back in his old body!!!

i’m actually very surprised about this. the mushroom body had so much spiritual energy and now it’s just... gone? guess they’ll have to find another way to solve the xin mo thing

poor binghe had to see his shizun fucking rot before his eyes though??? man. i want to draw that now

thought: is zhuzhi-lang's whole character just puppeted by the system in order to fill plot holes?

OKAY SO TIANLANG-JUN

he’s funny. and very calm. just sittin in a coffin! i like that

other than that i have mixed feelings. on the one hand i feel like he is a pretty good villain - i love that the system is actually making sqq fix plot holes, and i love that TLJ was the big bad of airplane’s original draft, and “i need to steal my son’s body in order to come back to life properly” is great (i’m always up for fucky body swap stuff)

on the other hand, it feels a little bit late in the story to introduce a major villain. i would have liked to see a LOT more foreshadowing on this - more talking about tlj (maybe in a way that assumes he’s not a threat but makes it clear he’s going to be important), more of the system getting sqq to fix more minor plotholes, etc

however some parts of it do work as a pretty good twist! especially the realization that zzl is the one who started the jinlin city sqq callout party!!! that’s pretty fun, and makes a lot of sense :0

oh i also like that tlj is like “no what i like humans i’m not gonna wipe them out! i just don’t like the sects”

now i don’t think this is going to happen but i think it would be very fun if tlj had some sort of fourth wall awareness and was siding with sqq for meta reasons to take down the protagonist

so binghe daddy issues huh

i made a post on this already but freud would love him. no wonder lbh got so attached to sqq......

now that i’ve remembered sv exists i’m gonna read more :0 excited to see what happens next!

RWBY Volume 8, Episodes 8-12

All caught up with RWBY now! (Except for the premium only episode.)

So, two things first: 1. From now on, my blog will no longer be spoiler free for RWBY! I don’t have premium access, so no spoilers for that, but beyond that, I might now reblog spoilers for everything that’s been released to the public. Blacklist “#RWBY spoilers” if you don’t want to see them.

2. I was going to ask what the spoiler policy in this fandom in general is when it comes to premium access. From what I’ve seen, Youtubers usually wait a week before uploading their reaction videos, which I appreciate – but here on tumblr almost no one seems to hold back. I saw a spoiler for “Creation” before it was released publicly. The day episode 13 was released for premium access, I had to unfollow people for posting untagged spoilers for it. And when I went into a RWBY-related tag for one second, I saw a really big spoiler that put me in a very sour mood because it also happened to be very aggressively worded against fans of a certain character (basically, along the lines of “I’m glad X bad thing happened to Y character because I hate them and their fans”). So, that scared the shit out of me and I ended up looking up more specific spoilers about what exactly happened because I wouldn’t have been able to sleep otherwise. So, from what I’ve seen, this fandom’s spoiler policy is just “fuck anyone who doesn’t have premium access” 😒. Always nice to see people being so considerate.

With that said, let’s get into my thoughts on episodes 8-12. Under the cut, because unlike some people, I try to be considerate of others who might want to avoid spoilers.

- So, the Hound really was a person. Specifically, a person with silver eyes and that’s probably what happened to Summer. THANKS, I HATE IT. This is exactly what I feared it would be and what I didn’t want it to be. (I don’t want Ruby and Yang to have to fight and kill their grimm-ified mom, that’s too sad, okay?)

- I love that Whitley really came through and came up with a plan for evacuating everyone! He’s a good bean after all! And that he managed to press that button on the computer before running from the Hound? Amazing.

- Willow Schnee being one hell of a mama bear and summoning a thing to protect Whitley was epic. She was so close to breaking down before that, but then her child was in danger and she just jumped into action right away. Protective mom instincts ftw!

- Blake’s talk about how she looks up to Ruby and how she herself lost the youthful optimism Ruby still has was SO sweet! (Also, Ladybug is an underrated ship/friendship and I really don’t get why people say they never interact? Have you all just forgotten volume 1 and how Bumbleby’s first meeting happened because Yang was trying to wingman Ruby who was trying to befriend Blake??)

- Penny fighting the virus from the inside was amazing, she did so well! I also loved seeing Nora encourage her (and echo Blake’s earlier words back to her).

- Unrelated to these episodes specifically, but I tried to think about who my favourite RWBY charactes even are right now, and I find it super hard to narrow down because I love so many of them, but if I tried to somewhat narrow it down, then (in no specific order because don’t ask me to also come up with an order): all of Team RWBY (though Blake is a personal favourite), Ilia, Penny, Salem, Cinder. (But then again, I also love Winter and Qrow and Robyn and... you get it, it’s hard to narrow down. Oh, and of course Pyrrha, but... you know.)

- “Witch” was honestly my favourite episode of the bunch. That one was just so full of epic stuff. (And now I’m wondering if Salem being one of my favourite characters has anything to do with my love for witches. I used to be obsessed with witches as a kid. In every story I read that had a witch, the witch was always my favourite character.)

- Yang and her team sure found a way inside that whale fast! Also, really handy that Ren’s semblance evolved just in time for when they needed it. But hey, I don’t want to complain about convenient plot stuff too much. Sometimes the heroes are allowed to have a little bit of good luck.

- Hazel listening to Oscar and deciding to get both him AND Emerald out of there was amazing! He really does have a soft spot for kids and wasn’t kidding about not wanting more kids to die – we love to see it! I also think it makes for an interesting parallel that Hazel decided to do this right as Ironwood was sending students to fight on the front lines and Marrow was calling it out.

- I really liked Ren telling Yang she doesn’t have to hide her fear behind jokes. Ren being able to see emotions is going to bring about so many more good moments, I just know it!

- Emerald and “Hazel’s” talk with Salem gets so much better when you know “Hazel” is actually Oscar – Emerald has gotten so much better at illusions and fooled Salem herself! That’s impressive!

- It’s really practical that Ren could sense Emerald’s fear. But also, the group really didn’t have the time to discuss if Emerald was trustworthy – they needed to get out of there asap.

- The way Salem spits out the word “semblance” when she talks to Emerald shows again that she not only underestimates these “new humans” and their powers, but also considers them inferior. It’s a nice little detail how just her tone when she says that word says so much about her worldview.

- Yang straight-up running up to Salem and blowing her up was epic. It didn’t last of course, but it was still a super bold and epic move. I’ve talked before about how cool Yang is and she just keeps getting cooler.

- Yang calling Salem out was amazing and epic, too! And when she referred to Summer Rose as “my mom” that made me tear up just a bit 😢. (I really don’t like Salem’s smile when she says “her again”, though. I don’t want grimm-ified Summer, I really don’t want it, okay? keep it far away from me where I won’t have to see it.)

- I’m a bit sad about Hazel’s death, but it was a really fitting end for his character and a really cool way to go out. The way he looked at all of those kids in danger (proving again that that’s what it’s about for him), whispered “No more Gretchens” to Oscar, punched Salem in the face as she was about to hurt Emerald, injected all of those crystals into his skin (which looked epic, by the way), told Emerald to go, fought an epic fight against Salem and then grabbed her and set himself and her on fire, burning her like a witch – it was epic stuff! RIP Hazel, you died as a hero and went out in an incredibly epic way!

- Hazel’s sacrifice must have been super tough on Emerald. He died protecting her (and JOYR) and it worked. She got away from Salem, but only because someone else, a friend, died for her. Not only must it be awful for her to lose Hazel, she probably also blames herself. (And, as I’ve seen others point out, it was probably the first time in her life an adult did something to protect her. Wow. Someone get this girl therapy, please.)

- The whale getting blown up was an absolutely epic moment. From the music to the cinematography, I loved everything about it. (That said, I will miss the whale. RIP coolest villain lair ever.)

- I loved Watts’ speech to Cinder – and I’m saying this as someone who became a huge fan of Cinder this volume. I love her, but I also love roasting her, and a lot of what Watts said was stuff she desperately needed to hear. I honestly didn’t even like Watts before that moment, but that speech might have made me like him just a tiny bit. The way he just laughed when she dangled him from a building, the way he spelled it out for her that her methods haven’t been working and threw her failures in her face, the ending with calling her “a bloody migraine” – Like I said, I’m a fan of Cinder, but that was glorious and cathartic and beautiful to witness. But what makes it really perfect is Cinder’s reaction: The fact that you’d expect her to kill him or at least scream at him, but instead she spares him and just sits down and cries. I really love what they’ve been doing with Cinder this volume and that they’re finally showing her as someone way deeper than just a power-hungry villain.

- In general, let me quickly talk about Cinder, because even without having seen the last two episodes I can already tell you that she’s my standout character / favourite character of the season. (It was Ilia for Volume 5, Salem for Volume 6, Penny for Volume 7 – and now it’s Cinder.) I said back in my post about Volume 5 that I wish they’d do more with her because after becoming rather interesting in Volume 4 they just went back to making her a pretty flat villain – and I officially have to eat my words and apologize to RoosterTeeth right now! This volume proved to me that they know what they’re doing with Cinder and explained so much about her. I’m sorry for ever doubting the writing. I now want to go back and rewatch the whole show while paying more attention to Cinder and I can’t wait to see where her arc goes from here (yes, I want an eventual redemption, and what about it?). This volume is obviously setting up something big for her – I just have no idea what it is. And at the end of the day, she’s still the Maiden of Choice. She’s the key to the Beacon relic, and that’s going to become important eventually.

- Oh, and can I mention, just by the way, that I think Cinder looks amazing? I don’t understand all the people who say they miss her red outfits when this is clearly her best look yet. The black eyepatch, the cape, the earrings, the short hair, the high boots, the shorts instead of a dress, all the black – this is her absolute best look, period.

- I’ve also noticed that the scene between her and Watts is the first time Cinder has referred to Penny by name. She’s always referred to her with phrases like “some toy” or “Polendina’s creation” before, but this time she just called her “Penny Polendina”, then “Penny” again, and asked Watts how she’s supposed to take Penny’s power “if she’s dead” (not “destroyed”, which is what Watts said, but “dead” – something you say about a person, not a machine). I think somewhere down the line, Cinder has started to see Penny as a person and respect her as the Winter Maiden. Maybe it’s because of how Penny won the fight at Amity, or maybe (though this might be wishful thinking on my part) it’s because Penny questioned why Cinder serves Salem and showed her and Emerald mercy.

- Also, side-note: While I loved Watts’ speech, it sure is bold of him to call Cinder entitled when his own villain origin story is getting overlooked for a science project.

- Neo is an amazing little troll and I love her. From stealing the lamp and skipping along the ruins of the whale happily to those texts to Cinder, all of her moments were brilliant and hilarious.

- Some characters not just forgiving Emerald is totally fair and realistic. But, as I said before (and as Oscar also points out), they don’t have to. People think a “redemption” – or let’s just call it switching sides instead of using such a loaded term – has to include everyone’s forgiveness, but it doesn’t. If Yang and Jaune never want to personally forgive Emerald, that’s okay. They don’t need to forgive her to recognize that she’s changed and work with her. And, as Oscar and Ren point out, Emerald’s abilities would be very useful to have on their side. So, personal feelings are fine and all, but right now they don’t have the luxury to dismiss a potentially very useful ally. (And same for Oz, by the way. It’s fine if they’re still mad at him, but they also need his help.)

- Also, have I already said that I’m very happy for Emerald? Because I’m very happy for Emerald for getting out of there! (Mercury’s and then Cinder’s redemption next, please!)

- F*ck Harriet for trying to get Winter in trouble for letting JYR go. I’m hating her more every second. And then she seriously said “Who cares?” about Ironwood’s plan to nuke Mantle? She’s the most unlikable of them all.

- Everyone’s reunions were so sweet! I loved Ruby and Yang hugging 😭. And Yang cupping Blake’s cheek and their forehead touch had me all 🥰 🥰 🥰.

- After he threatened to nuke Mantle, I hope we can all agree that Ironwood is a straight-up villain now. The most infuriating part is that he didn’t even have to do anything! Whitley and Weiss had figured out a way to save everyone in Mantle and the SDC ships to evacuate people were already there. All Ironwood had to do was let them evacuate everyone to Atlas, and then Penny would have opened the vault willingly and Ironwood could have used the staff to raise Atlas as planned. Problem solved! He should have just sat there and ate his food – but he was so pissed about things not going his way (or maybe he just genuinely hates Mantle that much) that he thought sabotaging the rescue plan and threatening genocide was a better option.

- I loved Marrow’s arc in these episodes and how you could tell more and more that his conscience was making him turn against Ironwood. First he questioned Winter when she was going to nuke the whale before JOYR were back, then he seemed shocked when he thought they were dead, then he tried to talk sense into the other Ace Ops after Ironwood’s ultimatum, and then he straight-up called out Ironwood himself. That last one was dangerous though, and he was lucky Winter was quick enough to jump in and pretend to arrest him, because Ironwood was going to just shoot him in the back.

- Speaking of, I wonder how long Winter has been planning to double-cross Ironwood. How long was she already disagreeing with him, but waiting for the right moment to make a move? Either way, I’m glad she was there to save Marrow.

- The Renora confession scene was so sweet and got me a little choked up 😢. I’m glad they sorted out their issues and told each other how they feel. But like I said before, I think Nora’s arc of trying to find out who she is without Ren is really good and important and Ren respecting that was really good and important as well. It was just a very wholesome scene. Also, I like that we got a little bit more backstory for Nora (her mom abandoned her? that’s awful), and Jaune awkwardly leaving the room was hilarious.

- Robyn telling Qrow he’s a better Huntsman than Clover because he chose to do the right thing was a really important moment for Qrow, imo. (And just a side-note: I’m sure most Fair Game shippers are pretty chill – and I’m a strong believer in ‘ship and let ship’ – but a certain subset of them is starting to get on my nerves with how they ignore Clover’s canon character and story (acting like he would have rebelled against Ironwood if he were alive as if the whole reason he’s dead wasn’t precisely because he cared more about Ironwood’s orders than doing the right thing) and how they make every new plot point about their ship somehow (Oscar’s semblance? Better be a time-travel thing so Clover can come back. Staff of Creation? Better be able to bring people back from the dead so Clover can come back.) It’s so annoying.)

- Yang and Ruby’s talk about their mom was really intense. Ruby’s been holding all of these feelings in for so long, so seeing her say out loud what we’re all fearing (that Summer was turned into a Grimm) and seeing both her and Yang break down over it – that was a lot. I loved seeing Yang comfort Ruby and tell her that her plan for Amity wasn’t useless. Their sisterly bond is so sweet.

- Penny asking Ruby to kill her was another really intense moment. The look on Ruby’s face in that moment really said it all. Ruby has been through so much, has lost Penny before, so hearing that request – even though they fortunately didn’t have to go through with it – must have still been a lot for her.

- I really loved Emerald’s cute “newly reformed villain” moments. (“You guys have been getting your asses kicked… some of that my fault” & “I’m just going to be super pissed if you all finally decide to give up the moment I switch sides.”) I’ve said before (in my She-Ra posts) that my favourite part of any redemption arc is the “former enemies, now awkward around each other” stuff, so this was right up my alley!

- “The girl who fell through the world” was referenced twice now. Between that, the image of everyone falling in the opening, and the lyrics “sometimes it’s worth it all to risk the fall”, I’m going to predict that someone – most likely all of Team RWBY – will fall into that void and potentially end up in a different world.

- The group’s plan to defeat Ironwood, stop the bomb, and get to the vault was amazing all-around. I love the parts Emerald and Winter got to play in it, I love how we saw the plan’s execution before seeing how they came up with it and I love how everyone got to help, even the Schnees and Klein. I also love that the hole Oscar blasted through the ground of Atlas became relevant again.

- The design of the vault and the door are really nice and now I wonder what the other two are going to look like.

- Saving Penny like that was super risky, but they really were out of options. Just the fact that Ruby had to be quick enough to use her semblance and get to the staff before the virus kills Penny… jeesh, that was close.

- Ambrosius is a super fun character! I love that he looked at Penny and said “I’d love to meet whoever did this.” Also, the staff seems more useful than the lamp. The lamp only lets you ask three questions per century, while the staff can be used as often as you want – as long as you’re okay with whatever it previously created disappearing.

- I honestly still don’t completely understand what Penny is now. Is she meant to be human now? Or is she just a being made up of pure aura? How does this work? Ambrosius only created the copy that destroyed herself, so what’s left is Penny’s aura – but she somehow also has a body now? I guess we’ll find out more about what exactly this means later.

- Also, while I wasn’t sure how I feel about this decision re:Penny at first, now that I’ve thought about it for a bit, I think it works. It fits with the Pinocchio story, and I like that they didn’t phrase it as “she’s a real girl now”, but as “this is the girl who’s been in there all along”. Also, Penny saying “wow” after hugging Ruby and then going on a hugging spree was adorable.

- Watching “herself” self-terminate must have been really traumatic, though. Even if that copy was just a robot, it was still a disturbing scene.

- Who shut down communications in the middle of Jaune’s broadcast? I’m assuming it was Cinder, Watts and Neo.

- The whole dimension with the doorways that Ambrosius created looks amazing. (A while before watching this episode, I wondered if Raven could theoretically save Atlas by getting everyone to safety with her portals. It might not have been Raven, but I’m glad I was at least onto something.)

- “Do not fall.” So, about that… they’re all falling in the opening, (and we referenced “the girl who fell through the world” twice now), so I don’t have a good feeling about that. Also, Watts has been dangled from somewhere high twice now, so the third time has to be when he actually falls down.

- And Cinder is there to ruin the plan because of course she is.

Andrew has a post over here (or rather, “a message Hussie sent to the Perfectly Generic Podcast”) detailing his thoughts on the Epilogues, how he thought people would feel about them, and why he made them the way he did.  Interesting read-- here are my thoughts as I was reading:

Wakraya -Today at 4:34 PM

Pst pst :3 We just got a statement from Hussie on the Epilogues if you ever feel ready to check that out

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:00 PM

ooh

yeah if there's a link?

Wakraya -Today at 5:01 PM

https://www.reddit.com/r/homestuck/comments/cuywff/the_homestuck_epilogues_bridges_and_offramps_new/

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:02 PM

yeah I was like "there's a HARDCOVER version?!??" trying to google what you described

Wakraya -Today at 5:02 PM

Oh yeah it just got announced recently, and this is what Hussie said about it, sent to the PGP people just a bit ago

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:03 PM

collapsing the bubble, yeah... he understood all this pretty well

readin further

"it's heavily implied to be a piece of bridge-media"  --definitely, so why... there couldn't possibly be a follow-up, could there? ...

"Our continued attention is the very property which incites new problems," -- yeah, I definitely understood that as a theme of the Epilogues... but it also felt like a slap in the face to everyone invested in those characters for that exact reason, and torturing us like that should give way to SOME kind of more settling payoff to offset it, right? right andrew?.....

"But "implied" is all it was. There was no immediate announcement for followup content, and I'm not announcing anything here yet either. More time was always going to be necessary to figure out what to do next, including what form it takes, the timing, and all those questions." --okay yeah that's... SANE.  That's MORE sane than the follow-up to Homestuck it seemed to be implying, the creation half to the destruction half.  Because as much as it seemed to be implying that with those ending sections, I really couldn't imagine a continuation to such a ridiculously saturated story as FEASIBLE; you couldn't possibly loop in anyone who wasn't into the first body of work in the first place.  But... then why leave so many of the characters in such dire straits, unsatisfied, their happiness jeopardized even after the lesson was imparted about how our looking in damaged things?

"For now I think it was alright to just let things simmer for a while, and give people an extended period of time to meditate on the meaning of the epilogues and why they involved the choices they did. But regardless of anyone's conclusions about it, I can at least confirm that it WAS designed to feel like a bridge piece since its conception."  ...I'm not, uh.  ENTIRELY.  sure. that Andrew understands.  how paralyzingly invested we are in some of these characters.  :neutral_face:

"Is it this way because an epilogue SHOULD be this way? No. It is this way because I thought that was the most suitable role for an epilogue to play in the context of the weird piece of media Homestuck has always been."  Fair... but that was the impression the end of Homestuck gave us in the first place, right?  Art and message over our feelings.  That's been the strength AND curse of Andrew's work.  His relentless artistic integrity.  He's going to give the message he wants to give even if it kills us.  :c

this mulling over how he played with "Intermission" is fun, spelling it all out and how eagerly he wanted to play with and subvert those tropes...

Wakraya -Today at 5:14 PM

Oh, keep going

You're going to like the end I feel

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:15 PM

yeah all this is gonna go up on my blog if you let me

Wakraya -Today at 5:15 PM

Absolutely! :p

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:16 PM

"So now the label "epilogue" has been toyed with in a similar way, and also in a manner which exposes an apparent flaw with the label. Or actually, just by using the label "epilogue" at all, it seems the story is admitting to an apparent flaw." --So how were those who DID interpret the ending of Homestuck as not addressing stuff that needed to be addressed supposed to interpret it, though?  Those who needed a more explicit explanation of why Andrew was seeming to "toss aside" so much of what they cared about as stuff that "didn't matter"?

He knew those people existed... hence the outcry!

you can't deliver a message to those people with a mocking thrust, you've gotta be, hm... more delicate about it? IF, that is, you feel an obligation to those people in the first place

and I was never sure whether Andrew DOES....?

hmmmmmn

"It's already an unhinged implementation of the label before you even read it, which means it's probably time to get nervous about whether it satisfies your expectations about what the content existing under such a label should provide."  Yes, you knew people were gonna get super nervous even before they cracked open the cover... and then you DELIVERED, rather intentionally, on some of their worst fears.....?

"My feeling is, there's almost no choice but to turn the conventional ideas associated with epilogues completely inside-out, because of the inherent contradictions involved with crossing the post-canon threshold and revealing that which was not meant to be known."  Yes, and I understood Andrew was trying for that.  But... um....... what about satisfaction?  You gonna give us ANY comfort after that's been dealt with, that lesson imparted?  Why throw all our feelings by the wayside after you've communicated that overall lesson?

"By deploying it as mock-fanfiction, and including other authors, I'm making an overt gesture that is beginning to diminish my relevance as the sole authority on the direction this story takes, what should be regarded as canon, and even introducing some ambiguity into your understanding of what canon means as the torch is being passed into a realm governed by fan desires." --Yes, I've read that really good tumblr post I won't bother linking  (EDIT: because I can’t find it, or where I commented on it, it was probably in discord; could someone link that to me? the one that talked about how this epilogue posed as Fanfiction and took on those trappings but could never BE that, and how it was their opinion ((though not mine FYI)) that Andrew didnt understand that?) that expresses how the author's intervention into this "territory" ruins the effect that this sort of work is supposed to have, and how it can't be judged as similar, but given the stuff that Andrew was TRYING to get across -- the sort of, "freeing fanwork from the vestiges of canon" stuff and the other lessons he's alluding to in this very Reddit post -- he didn't have much choice in terms of presentation framework.  Could it have been presented more elegantly, less fanon-hijacky?  Sure, he ain't perfect... Could it have more explicitly endorsed other interpretations of so-called canon as more valid than this, or AS valid?  Absolutely, but he's never been one to spell things out for us so plainly... Ah, but could it have ended in a way to give those of us so nervous about the work more SATISFACTION, less grief?  THAT is an entirely DIFFERENT matter that I hope he answers as this post goes forward.... readin readin'.......

"If the epilogues really prove to be the bridge media they were designed to feel like, then I expect this trend to continue. The fanfiction format is effectively a call to action, for another generation of creators to imagine different outcomes, to submit their own work within the universe, to extend what happens beyond the epilogues, or to pave over them with their own ideas."  True, but... gosh darn, Andrew, you coulda been more explicit with that.  Especially with the potential pave-over-ability of it all.  Expressing that a lot more explicitly would have gone to help smooth over a bunch of that one tumblr post I mentioned's concerns. :T

"It's also an opportunity for people to discuss any of the difficult content critically, and for fandom in general to continue developing the tools for processing the negative emotions art can generate."  Yeah, I... have to admit, I'm not as good at dealing with negative content in media as I should be.  And that's definitely part of what is making the fanbase feel stabbed in the heart, yeah, but..... again, it feels kind of as if Andrew does NOT understand how irrationally attached so much of the fanbase is to these characters and how irrationally overinvested in their happiness, and all of this feels kind of callous.  :frowning:

Wakraya -Today at 5:27 PM

He's very aware of how powerfully a lot of people feel about it, with all he's gone through with the Fandom. He really is just like this isn't he?

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:27 PM

"fandom is something which can develop better skills as well. Skills like critical discussion, dealing constructively with negative feelings resulting from the media they consume, interacting with each other in more meaningful ways, and trying to understand different points of view outside of the factions within fandom that can become very hardened over time."  Hmn!  That's...... true, yeah, but wow did you take a HAMMER to it instead of a scalpel

yeah

Andrew's always just

well it's like I said isn't it?

He's got that artistic vision, and even though he knows he's in an interaction with the fandom and shapes things to it by the design of the story, he is N O T compromising that artistic vision

even if it feels like a punch to the gut to us

immersion therapy :frowning:

not sure I can say whether that's right or wrong!  only that it hurt XD

Wakraya -Today at 5:29 PM

X3

It hurts, but he does understand.

Perhaps precisely because he understands, he pushes us to our limits

He doesn't matter if he loses part of his audience in the process- He wants to showcase a message.

Painful as it may be, that's kind of admirable in a stubborn way.

And when he delivers happiness, he does it in spades

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:30 PM

yeah, he never cared about losing support because he said what he felt was necessary

Wakraya -Today at 5:30 PM

And if it is something actually like

Problematic

He does backpedal and fix things up

BlastYoBoots -Today at 5:31 PM

"But I don't see why it can't be an objective to try to improve fandom, just as creators can improve their work."  --and he was DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY trying to improve the way members of the fandom treated a WHOLE BUNCH of different affectations of the Homestuck fanfiction in the community.  that was something kind of admirable and insane throughout the epilogues... on the deeper scale, how he used the Roxy arc in Candy to at the end put the reader to task with "HEY!!! How do you know this wasn't how Roxy would canonically act in this situation? You don't know the inside of her head! ALL SORTS of stuff is valid!  You can't use those reasons to point at certain fanfiction and call it BAD."  And I do love that.  With a more insane surface example, the dog dick stuff. Jesus.  XD

"So now I'm looking to all of you on the matter of where to go next." --oh SHIT.  :X

Well, there's a problem.  XD

fuck, you can't just ASK us what we want XDDD

"Wherever the most conscientious and invested members of fandom want to drive this universe, as well as the standards by which we engage with media in general, that will be the direction I follow."  mother FUCK

well, now the pressure's on.  god help us all XD

time to post this

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Twenty Four

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

July 8th, 2008

Jessica may have only been five years old, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t terrified. Her breathing felt like it was one of those cartoon pumps the characters on the TV would use too fast until it burst, or like it wasn’t happening at all. Her heart was hammering in her chest, as her father glared down at her. “Have you nothing to say for yourself, Jess?” he growled.

Flinching, Jessica tried to explain. “I just...I just wanted to see if I could read like the big kids. And...and the book was too heavy, and I dropped it.”

Her father scoffed. “You can’t read yet, you haven’t even been to kindergarten!”

Jessica wisely didn’t mention she could understand some of the title on the spine. She couldn’t read fluently, but she could read a bit. And she wanted to know what all the books said. But now she had caused a mess, and her dad was mad. So she was going to go back to her room and see if there were any picture books up there with actual words. Maybe she could see if she could read those.

May 5th, 2019

Logan felt incredibly guilty. He couldn’t look Roman in the eye. He hadn’t felt this chastised and this terrified since he had been really little, convinced he was a girl and just wanting to see if he could act like a big kid, only to find out that being a big kid would get him in trouble with his father.

To make matters worse, when Dad came into the room to get food for Roman, he didn’t glare at Logan, or make him feel like he was the scum of the earth in any way. Even Ami, who was the designated Logan-watcher this morning, wasn’t giving him anything more than the occasional neutral glance. He deserved worse. He forced Roman to admit his mom had died. He had forced him to say that in front of the entire family. And now Roman was on the edge of dissociating, listing sideways over the edge of reality into the unknown flashbacks Logan couldn’t even pretend to understand.

Logan thought he might get sick. He finished the last bites of cereal he had been working on, and then promptly stood up, heading to his bedroom. He didn’t look back, forcing himself to not check on Roman and make the situation worse. He just walked up to his room, closed the door behind him and locking it.

He sat down on his bed, grabbing his phone, which had been charging overnight. He thought he might get sick when he saw the lockscreen of him and Roman posing around Jack, who was laughing in the background. That had been taken the first time Logan had introduced each of them to the other.

Some older brother he had turned out to be. He was expected to be responsible, a role model. Now he’d be lucky if other people said, “Don’t do what your oldest brother does, he only screws things up when he wants to know something.”

Tears stung at his eyes and he focused on evening his breathing. He had problems managing his emotions on a good day. In the heat of the moment? Either his emotions shut off entirely or they overwhelmed him to the point of drowning.

A patient knock started up outside the door. Logan closed his eyes and took off his glasses, forcing his breathing to stay regular as he called out, “Not now, Dad.”

“Logan, we have to talk,” Dad said, his voice muffled but holding no room for argument.

“When we’re both calm,” Logan said, throwing Dad’s words back in his face. “I’m not, right now.”

“At least unlock the door?” Dad asked.

Logan swiped at his cheeks and took a deep breath. “Do you promise to not come in without my permission?”

“Of course,” Dad said.

Logan walked over to the door and unlocked it, and cracked it open a couple inches. He knew he looked absolutely miserable. “Give me fifteen?” he asked. “I just need...just need fifteen.”

“Logan...” Dad stopped. Nodded. “Yeah, okay. We’ll talk in fifteen minutes.”

Logan closed the door and collapsed back on his bed, unsure as to what he should do to try and calm down. Tumblr probably wasn’t a good option. And he didn’t want to read today. And he had finished all his homework already. He curled in on himself on the bed, and closed his eyes.

He only realized he fell asleep when he woke up to the doorknob turning. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, seeing Roman standing in the doorway. “Hey,” Roman said softly. “Didn’t mean to wake you. Dad said you fell asleep.”

“Just as well,” Logan said. “I can’t sleep all day every day.” He checked his phone. “And it’s been half an hour.”

Roman shifted on his feet. “Can I come in?” he asked.

Logan nodded, and Roman came in, closed the door, and climbed onto Logan’s bed with him. “Dad and Ami told me what happened last night once they were sure I wasn’t going to dissociate again. Dad thinks I might have PTSD.”

“You saw your mom die, I would be surprised if you didn’t,” Logan said softly. “I’m sorry, Roman.”

Roman sighed, leaning his head on Logan’s shoulder. “I know you are. And I wanted to be mad with you. That was something I wanted to keep to myself. But I’m not.”

Logan looked down at him. “You’re not?”

“Well, I’m a little annoyed,” Roman allowed. “But you wanted to know what was going on. You wanted to make sure I was okay. Because I know once you knew you would be researching techniques to help me cope. That’s just who you are. You operate mostly on logic, rather than emotions. So while emotions might have told you to bide your time, and wait until I was willing to share, your logic was telling you that earlier treatment meant earlier recovery.”

Logan sighed. “You’re too nice, too forgiving. I traumatized you.”

“You made me dissociate a little bit, and let the adults know that I wasn’t okay. I’m not gonna hate you for that, Logan.”

“Why not?” Logan asked. “Roman, I actively pushed you, knowing that the subject wasn’t something you might want to talk about.”

“Logan, you need to shut up sometimes and just think about what other people are saying to you,” Roman said. “I don’t hate you. I’m not mad at you. You made a mistake. It’s not the end of the world.”

The words refused to sink in. “But why?” Logan asked. “Why isn’t it the end of the world?”

Roman pulled back and looked at him, nose scrunched up. “Because everyone in this house is a decent person?” he said, voice rising like a question at the end. “Do you honestly think Dad and Ami would punish you by...say...denying you access to Hormone Replacement Therapy just because you made a stupid mistake?”

Logan paled. Roman rolled his eyes. “Lo, they’re not gonna do that! They know that getting testosterone is a big deal for you, and they’re gonna help you get it at the start of summer! My point is that they won’t kick you out, or deny you something you need, just because you screw up! You can’t hold basic needs or assistance for health issues hostage just because your kid did something you didn’t like. That’s not how any of this works.”

“That’s how it used to be,” Logan said softly. “Finish my homework in order to get dinner, only getting positive attention if I got all A’s in school. I’m fortunate that I always enjoyed learning and it came naturally to me. Otherwise I might have lost my mind.”

Roman stared at him a long time, before he quietly said, “That’s messed up, Logan.”

Logan shrugged off Roman’s concern. “You saw your mom die and you were abused in your foster home. Patton and Virgil’s step-father was an alcoholic. No one knows how bad Dee’s home situation might have been except Dad and Ami, and they refuse to share. My home life wasn’t the greatest, but I’m in no position to complain.”

“That’s not how that...you know what? No. I’m not gonna try and logic you through this,” Roman said. He grabbed Logan’s cheeks, and brought their foreheads together. “If your parents were bad people, you can absolutely complain about them. No matter anyone else’s hardships. Your parents kicked you out because you wanted to go by Logan. They sucked. You’re allowed to complain, you’re allowed to be traumatized. Your parents held basic human needs for ransom. They were not good parents. Full stop.”

Logan blinked once. Twice. Opened his mouth and said, “My mother wasn’t that bad. It was mostly my father’s idea to do that stuff.”

“Your mother is complicit in the whole thing!” Roman exclaimed, leaning back and throwing his hands up in the air. “Logan, no one likes to admit their parents hurt them. But your parents hurt you. Considering the way you freaked out after you screwed up, there’s no question.”

“Wow, thanks,” Logan said, before turning and sighing, pinching his nose. “I’m really sorry, Roman.”

“I know you are, Logan,” Roman said. “No need to get hung up on it, all right? I forgive you. We can still work together with the gremlins to save for a dog. And I’m not going to stop talking to you. And Dad and Ami won’t deny you anything that you can’t live without, even if they decide to ground you. Which I doubt they will. Hearing them talk earlier, they know you’re beating yourself up enough.”

“I did traumatize you,” Logan pointed out.

Roman rolled his eyes. “You didn’t traumatize me. At best, you re-traumatized me. And that’s a stretch. You found one of my triggers. I didn’t even know I had it, so in a way you helped me.”

Logan frowned. “How could I help you?”

“Well, there are lots of topics they go over in Health class, one of those being family, and from what I hear, there’s an abuse unit. Knowing that I can’t handle talk of abandonment might help, because instead of dissociating in the middle of class, I can be excused,” Roman explained. “Not to mention, you know, now everybody knows not to talk about my mom around me unless I’m properly prepared beforehand.”

“But the downsides—”

“—Do not outweigh the upsides,” Roman said firmly. “Don’t beat yourself up over this, all right? You made a mistake. You learn from it. You move on. It’s not always simple, but it’s always possible.”

Logan nodded but felt his cheeks heat up anyway. He knew he wasn’t going to forgive himself for this for a while.

Roman seemed to sense that too, because he asked, “Do you really want to make me happy, Logan?” he asked.

“Of course,” Logan said.

“Just...promise me that if you go to a party, you don’t drive home drunk, all right? You can be drunk, I’ll just avoid you for the most part until you’re sober or I’m comfortable around you again. But...but don’t drive drunk, okay? Have a designated driver, or be the designated driver. I know you can’t trust everyone to not drive home drunk, but make the effort to avoid doing it yourself? The guy who hit my mom’s car and...and hurt her? He was maybe twenty years old. I don’t want you risking throwing away your life because of manslaughter charges, and DUI charges. And I don’t want anyone to get hurt on the road like that again if I can help make a difference.” Roman worked his hands. “I know you and Jack have talked about going to parties next year, when you’re both juniors, and I just...don’t want you to take that risk. Promise me you won’t drive drunk.”

“Yeah, I promise, Roman,” Logan said softly. “I would never drive drunk.”

“Then we’re good,” Roman said. “You don’t need to beat yourself up over it, you can just work on feeling better the same as I am. We both have our own issues to work through. Maybe we can help each other with some of them. Maybe not. But no matter what, I’m never going to hate you, or resent you, or want you gone so long as you try, all right? All I’m asking is that you try.”

“I can try,” Logan confirmed. “I’ll do whatever it takes to get better, even if I can never be at one-hundred percent. The last thing I want to do is let you or myself down.”

“And probably avoid letting down Ami and Dad as well,” Roman pointed out.

Logan laughed. “Yeah, good point.”

Dad knocked at the door and both boys looked up. “Are you two better?” Dad asked.

“Not one hundred percent, maybe, but we’re getting there,” Roman said.

Logan murmured his agreement. “I might need a little while to forgive myself, but I’m not going to actively destroy myself over this, not anymore.”

“Good,” Dad said with a slight smile. “The younger ones were thinking about playing some games in the backyard, if you want to join them?”

“Yeah!” Roman exclaimed, jumping up and dashing out of the room.

Logan and Dad followed at a slower pace. “Am I still in trouble?” he asked.

“It sounds like you and Roman are working things out between the two of you, and you were punishing yourself enough, so no, you’re not in trouble, unless you consider extra care and a little bit of a closer watch in trouble.”

Logan shrugged. “The watch might make me uneasy, but nothing I can’t handle.”

“Good,” Dad said. “And Logan...if you ever want to talk about your mother and your ex-father...we’re here for you.”

Logan smiled softly. “Thank you.”

Again, you make impressive works on Zarya's characteristics analytics and I'm so so glad you answered my ask on Zarya's thought on relationship; and the other analytic about her at work and at home. Please ignore this ask if it bothers you, but can I ask for your opinion on how she would act face-to-face with an activist on omnic's rights (a human, whom she has to work with in specific situations). Thank you so much for spending time with these asks I'm really appreciated every of your effort

Wow, thanks for the compliments. I just like to help if it’s asked of me. And, I seriously don’t mind answering stuff like this! Lately there’s nothing else for me to do on tumblr and I love characterizing lots of characters. 

Just keep in mind that I’m only going off of what I know about the character herself, based on how she behaves and the occasional communication she has with others in the game itself. And it’s still, as always, just a reach because of that.

Also, this is a bit dark.

Now - In order to understand what Zarya is thinking, it helps, first, to understand why she thinks how she does. At the moment, we have limited information on the extent of the battles she’s had to fight against omnics in Russia, let alone what she grew up through. 

What we do have, though, are clues about her that tell us she likely suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

This is a very tragic and painful thing to deal with, but not uncommon for soldiers, military workers, firefighters, or abuse victims, just to name a few. It causes the memory of something traumatic, like the hardships of war, witnessing an injury or death, and more, to burn itself so deeply into one’s mind that it doesn’t go away as easily as other memories. 

One of the most obvious symptoms of PTSD is an obsession with the event that caused the trauma, sometimes for years, especially if the sufferer doesn’t get help for it. The other is flashbacks, which are typically triggered by something - in Zarya’s case, every omnic she meets appears to put her into fight-or-flight mode. Rather than let an omnic be, she has to remind them that she hates them, doesn’t trust them, and won’t hesitate to destroy them if she needs to. It’s possible she does this because omnics trigger flashbacks.

What else tells me Zarya has PTSD? Her scar.

The scar on her face is very likely to have been caused by a direct bullet wound fired at a mid to long range - something an omnic like Bastion would have gotten her with, as it’s an older model that still uses lead bullets. She also has had experience fighting Bastions, as she likes to remind us occasionally.(Were she hit at a closer range, at least by a Bastion bullet, she’d be dead or have a very different injury, like a second scar wherever the bullet exited her head. At a long range, it’d lose momentum and become stuck in her forehead instead. With that said, it’s still possible pulse ammo can leave a bullet-like wound, but we don’t have evidence of that right now.) 

Long story short, getting shot in the face, in my opinion, is pretty damn traumatic, and that’s just some of the context you could hypothesize based on the things you see in the game, or in the one comic we have about her.

With all of this said, it’s a bit easier to understand why Zarya’s so mean to omnics, whether we approve of it or not. We can sympathize a bit… but it’s hard to argue that her experience hasn’t made her into an immutable bigot when it comes to the topic of omnics, and there’s absolutely no stopping her from sharing her negative opinions about them, whether it’s to other omnics or to humans. 

Luckily, she’s not a lost cause. The extent of her bigotry is her extremely outspoken tendency to share her opinions, which is, again, a result of a traumatic memory burned into her head and constantly replaying itself. She’s not out to separate humans and omnics, and she’s most importantly not dangerous to omnics. She will still work with humans and even other omnics, showing that despite how she feels about them, she can look past that when it’s necessary, albeit reluctantly.

As far as we know, she appears to have no interest in changing how she thinks, because to her, doing so would be like flipping Russia off and forgetting the struggles of her people - but there is a glimmer of hope for her if she ever confronts her PTSD. Otherwise, anyone she works with has to accept and forgive this flaw in her personality for what it is, and try to understand why it exists. We all have our flaws, after all.

And thanks for coming to my ted talk, “Zarya needs therapy”. 

The Winter Non-Vacations: A Digimon Fanfic- Part 28

Wow, it has been a minute. Anyway, I haven’t posted any more of this fic by @carochinha in ages, so... time to get back to it!! I’d also like to promote my Patreon, where you can hear me read a friend’s fantasy novel with several stupid voices. I am so poor, tumblr friends. Please help me.

Previous parts! Part 1 |Part 2 |Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7|Part 8|Part 9|Part 10 Part 11|Part 12|Part 13|Part 14|Part 15|Part 16|Part 17|Part 18|Part 19|Part 20 Part 21|Part 22|Part 23|Part 24|Part 25|Part 26

 In this one, there are some extraordinarily uncomfortable memories! I mean it! They’re terrible!!!! Warning for poorly-described sexual content!!

Chapter 28: Memories [ALL ALONE IN THE MOOOOOONLIIIIIGHT~] In that night, the plan had been discussed. They were going to attack them, with all the strenght they could get. [If they can get this legendary “strenght”…] In that night, a little before the plan had been decided, they had received an e-mail from Gennai telling them bad news. The forces of evil were strong. [OH SHIT I’M SO GLAD WE HAVE THIS LIFE-ALTERING INFO THANKS OLD MAN] Strong enough that tomorrow was maybe the last day they would live... - Ken? - Hum? - I just wanted to say that... - ... - If we die tomorrow, I’ve always loved you... [“Except for when you were a small-creature-abusing dickparade.”] And I will always love you... [HAND IIIIIIIII~IIIIIIIII~”]

- Miyako... [” He wondered if he should tell her that he was incapable of loving a woman. “] Well, I’m not going to tell you to stop saying that we might die tomorrow, because it’s true... I’m going to tell you that, living or not, I’ll love you for all eternity. He envolved [sigh…] her in what could be their last hug and both feel asleep, [I feel asleep, too. Well, it’s more like dead inside, but…] conscious of their love... [so wait are they conscious or not?] - Penélope? - Yes? - I know we don’t know eachother for a long time, that we actually know for a little, but... - Yes Daisuke? - I love you... [Ugh. What is there to love, seriously. Answer me that.] - Oh, Daisuke... I... - Forget it, if you don’t fell the same [tree] forget it... - No, that’s not it... I love you to [fell those trees]... - Penélope... - And, since tomorrow we might as well [you might as well.] die... I... wanted to [go fell some trees with you] if... If... - Penélope? - If you wanted to spend this night with me... If you wanted to sleep with me... [You know, love =/=sex. They are actually two very different things. One just happens to lead to the other, IF you’re lucky and have compatible orientations/needs, EVENTUALLY.] - But Pen, [Who the fuck calls her that] I’m already sleeping with you... She looked him with a look slightly different [than her usual eerily expressionless, half-lidded gaze] and he undeerstood... [Why did he undo that standing deer?] And, bending over here, kissing her and took her in his arms. He wasn’t going to do what she asked him.. If they survived she might regret it... But in the same way he was going to make that night unforgetable for both of them... [Then why don’t you go fell some trees?] He felt her sliding down slowly, so that he’d be inside of her [small cage that she had made for him because he wouldn’t stop peeing on the carpet]... - Taichi... – she moaned quietly... [“why do you keep doing this?!”] - Sora... I... I... I love you... - [“That is irrelevant!] Oh, I know... I know Taichi, and I love you too! – she said not so quietly. [“But please stop marking your territory everywhere!”] She bent her forward and kissed her... A little while later they were both satisfied, and she curled up in him, [ew] feeling his heart beat next to hers... - Taichi... Tomorrow... - Don’t think about tomorrow... Now is now, and we are alive, and we together... - Taichi... [If you pee on the floor during the night, I will have you euthanized.”] She huddled closer to him, absorving his smell... This ways, even if they died, she’d die with the memory of his smell on her mind... She’d die happy... ----

She cried quietly, huddled against his chest. He hugged her, caressing her hair...[She tried to do the same with his hair, but it only came off in brown smudges on her hand. “Please don’t rub off my hair paint,” said Iori.] - Shhh... Everyone is going to be okay tomorrow... - How do you know? - Because, even if we die, we’ll die together... - Iori... - Besides, we’re together today... Right Susi? - Right! – she said, cleaning her tears. [When they had emerged from her hideous tear ducts, they were an evil and inky black.] - You know, I only noticed it now... - What? - With the tails, your hair is really huge... [Do you think you can give me some of it? I went bald at five years of age.”] - Iori! Leave my hair alone... - I didn’t say it looked bad... Come here... She threw himself against him again, [upon which he said “ouch,”] and he hugged her... - You’re right... Everything is going to be okay tomorrow... And so they feel asleep... - Mimi? - Hum? - Are you afraid? - Of tomorrow? No... - Why? - Because I have you here... And I know that if I have you, everything is going to be okay... And I know that, even if we don’t get married here in Earth, we shall do it in Heaven... [That’s nice I guess] - Mimi... - Don’t you agree? - Of course... But you know, I have the feeling we are getting married on Earth... She smiled and hugged him. He hugged her back, and waited for her to sleep before sleeping...

She cried a little on his should...[on his should? I dunno, maybe she should have cried on his shouldn’t.] - I can’t believe we’re really going to fight... I’m scared Yamato, I don’t want to die... - Me neither... But [get] out[; my] only hope is to attach [myself to Taichi] now... If we attack now we might die... If we wait we’ll certainly die... - Yamato... - Hum? - I love you... - I love [Taichi, so I’m afraid I cannot love] you too Inês... - Yamato? - Hum? - Can I ask you a favour? - Which? [There are three of me.] - I don’t... I don’t want... - ... - I don’t want to die a virgin... - Inês... He was perplexed for some seconds, but then he picked up the girl laying next to him and [put her next to a random Digimon, and watched while said Digimon] kissed her. - Yeah. Me neither. [Good thing I had those slumber parties with Taichi and Sora. Tentomon may or may not have been there too.] - We are going to fight. We might lose or not, but we won’t stop believing, [*faint echoes of Journey in the background*] we won’t stop having Hope... - Of course not... While the Light illuminates our hearts, we are going to win... [How are they capitalizing words in their speech like that] They both smiled. - Takeru? Sleep well... - Tomoroow [To-mor-oow?] will be a weird day... - But Hope will prevail... - So will Light... He hugged her. He had almost lost her too many times... She looked so down... He passed a hand trouth [trouth? That’s a new one] her back, trying to calm her. He circled her body with his hand and caressed her belly... [she kicked him in the gut reflexively, being very ticklish. After recovering from having the breath knocked out of him,] He started going up, trying not to go overboard... He got to her breasts, and while he caressed one with one hand, he did the same on the other with the other. [He quickly got bored of this and started playing Pokemon on his DSi.] Her back was against his chest, and his arms were around her... - Koushirou... – she whispered while [s]he caressed her [own] breasts... [He ignored her, as he was finally going up against the legendary Pokemon Dialga. He had thrown a Quick Ball and three Ultra Balls so far, but to no avail.] He tried a little bit more and used a little bit more of pressure [on the A button]... But then, accidentally, she thrust herself back, making him use too much strenght [and knocking the DSi from his grasp]... The problem is that, with the little bit of pain that caused, [as the DSi landed on her head,] she remembered... She remembered the only thing she’d rather not remember... He let go of her, knowing she’d hurt her[self if he left her alone long enough. Or near some stairs]. - Carol? Are you okau? [If okau means dead, I hope so.] - I... I remembered... - What? - That which I’d tried to forget... [Oh, thanks for clearing that up.] Oh My God Koushirou, I’m sorry! [You should be.] - Why? - I don’t deserve you... [You don’t deserve anyone.] - What? - You don’t know... You don’t know what I am... [Are you a soul-consuming she-demon? Because that’s my theory.] - What you are? - Yes... If you knew, you’d never want me... You’d be as all the others were... [Oh, lemme guess, a sparkly vampire, right? No?] - How? - You’d be disgusted with me... [Oh come on. Feasting on the blood of the innocent is just an unfortunate habit. We can totally fix it with enough therapy.] - That was not what I was asking, but... I’d never be disgusted with you... - Oh no? Well, maybe you should know what I really am, what I am since I’m thirteen... [Actually, I’m 394, but I still look 13 because vampire] - What you are? - Yes, Koushirou, what I am. - And what are you? - I am, and there’s no other word to describe it, a real slut. [A vamp, if you will.] - What do you mean? - What do I mean? Well, maybe I should tell you the whole story... In the Summer vacation when I was thirteen years old, I went to a private school in London for a week. [Holy fuck.] In that time I was... And I still am... a girl that no one liked, that was made fun of by everyone and that no boy liked... [Make it stop] So, when I went to London, a boy liked me... I was so happy that I did everything he asked me to... I undressed in front of him the first day I met him... [This is awkward as shit] We were always making out, and it was a close shot I didn’t lose my virginity there... [Like, really awkward shit] But the vacations were over and I went back to my life... But I’d learnt something I didn’t know before... [A shit you take in a really fancy baby-powder-scented bathroom and then are unable to flush for mysterious plumbing reasons] If I talked about sex, I’d have guys after me... I started to blowjob half the guys in my school... [I’m going to go drown myself] Some of them referred to me as “The whore that doesn’t take money”... I didn’t care... For some time, they made me feel special, and important... [Please no this is not what fanfiction is supposed to be for; this is for counselors] Of course some of them were a bit rough, but I didn’t care... I almost lost my virginity several times... Oh, who do I want to trick, [sweet baby CHRIST IN A MANGER WHY IS THIS SO LONG] I stopped being a virgin the moment I removed my shirt in front of that boy in London... For some months, I was mistreated, like an object by so many guys... I was late to class so many times because they’d came, they’d leave the garage or the stairs or wherever we were, but I had to stay behind getting dressed or cleaning myself... [I can’t even read this as part of a fanfiction; this is not okay to write down and share with everyone on the internet] And... All I ever wanted was... Someone to hug me and tell me they loved me... Someone who cared about me... They vacation came, and I realized... What I was... There was no way to stop being it... The marks it’d left on me, on my skin and my heart, were too visible... I would never have anyone hugging me with love... Then, in the beggining of the school year, I was attacked... Inês saved me by little, and Gennai thought it was a good idea to tell us the truth about ourselves... In Christmas vacation, we came here to be more protected... We were attacked and we lost our memories... And now, here we are... They don’t need my blood because it’s pure... They need my blood because it’s tainted... And... all I ever wanted... [I have to go cry in a corner and get some anger management training now] [Also why the hell were there so many ellipses???] She started to cry... But stopped when she felt Koushirou’s arms hugging her from behind... She turned around surprised, laying her head against his shoulder... - I love you... [You’re the only one who can monologue that long of a paragraph. You’re the only one for me, baby.] Hearing these words, her heart started to slowly recover, and she dropped [the bottle of man-]tears [she’d gathered from her former victims] again, these of joy... She huddled against him and thus fell asleep... She woke up a little while later, when everyone was already asleep... She felt weird... She started thinking about all those that she loved, now risking their lives for her... She had heard Inês, her best friend of all time, saying that she didn’t want to die... She had heard Jou and Mimi talking about their wedding... She had seen the tears Susi had shining in her eyes... And she understood what she had to do... If she gave herself up, if they killed her, everyone else wouldn’t have to die... They could have wedding, they could have kids... And Koushirou... He’d find someone better... [Nope because no one is as good as Author Insert and all others throw themselves from the cliffs of despair because their freckles will never be as stupidly adorable and they will never fall down the stairs as gracefully as she]

Next time: A really fucking short chapter to make up for this monster-sized one with all the uncomfortable shit!!!

What’s been going on with Sky?

Hello folks, first and foremost I want to apologize for my recent absence / inactivity, however I do promise it’s been for very good- if very personal- reasons. The short version is that I have been Not Great™ lately, and it’s taken all of my effort to begin combating that and also improving my state of living. Further details are below, but if you’re not interested in all that or if you are uncomfortable with the topics mentioned ( I will not go into detail, but there is talk of trauma, past abuse, educational & financial stress, and depression/anxiety ), please feel free to stop here, or skip to the bolded line- that is where I will move from discussing past/present to future plans! This is being cross-posted in a couple of places as an FYI, so I’m sorry to those who follow me multiple places and see it more than once.

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In short, the last semester/last 6 months has been really hellish. I’ve been fairly up front about the strain that my courses put on me, and I’ve spoken briefly now and again about the Particular Professor Who Made Everything Awful- basically because she didn’t like the influences on my style because the comics I read growing up are very different from what she & most folks read/make/teach here in the states. I don’t really need to go over it, but I do like having everything in one place for my own processing & reference.

Moving on from that, though- I also encountered what one might refer to as a breakthrough with some emotional/mental gunk that was clogging me up with regards to some past trauma- unfortunately the person in question is still a part of my life in ways I have 0 control over, and finally coming to terms with the fact that there even is lasting trauma makes that― really hard to deal with. I’m trying in the best ways I know how, but ultimately the situation is so insanely complicated it’s been leading to a lot of me just shutting down, which has been making everything else worse.

I also had all kinds of problems with therapists ( once again the one I was seeing through the school took another job somewhere else- meaning I have to start over AGAIN ), getting medical insurance ( still fighting that one actually ), starting testosterone therapy ( for which I need to finish the insurance battle ), family ( they’re starting to come around to the whole trans thing a little I think? ), and a gigantic financial scare- the short version is my mum took $5,000 from me over time and I finally found out about it, and she ended up paying it back by taking out a loan from my grandfather. A mess, amiright? But I can pay rent again without terror so we’re good for now- ish. She still claims to not know how all those transfers to her account happened, but this is sadly not the first time she’s taken money from me ( my relationship with her is a VERY complicated and convoluted one that I need to work on ).

In short, these past months have been perhaps the most trying times in my life- though I’ve had experiences that were objectively worse and more traumatizing, I didn’t really- know they were wrong or anything until later, and the full effects of those experiences was something that didn’t hit me until much later- at the time it was just ‘wow this is unpleasant!’, and only now am I really I’ve thought I was really coming along in my mental health journey, and that things were coming together, but there are always going to be stumbling blocks. Right now, I’m trying to be positive and look forward, but I know there will be dips in the road that will make me doubt and fear after this. I may drop activity again because my response to this sort of thing seems to be shutting down and performing the bare minimum to conserve energy, so I also want to apologize in advance for that, and also thank everyone who has read this and chosen to stick with me anyway.

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Going Forward

I want to try and reach out more- I’d like to have real conversations and form connections, because for me that is what being on the internet is supposed to be about. I don’t have many friends- online or IRL- and I really want to change that. As a result I want to try participating in more low-pressure type community events, and I want to push myself to comment and interact more often.Please never be afraid to speak with me! Even if sometimes I blunder and don’t know what to say, I always appreciate it, and want to at least try and talk with folks!

Tumblr RP has been something I’ve love deeply since I started, but I think I do need to stop pressuring myself to enjoy it the way I use to. The site itself has become… a very different place, and that’s impacted my writing negatively. I’m so worried about what’s safe to write and what isn’t that half of the content and interactions I love literally aren’t allowed on tumblr at all- as much for the comfort of my partner as myself, but the point still stands that it’s this site that’s caused such issues and cultivated an environment where people feel entitled not only to boss others around regarding interactions and shipping, but also to push things on them that they don’t want.

In short, it’s made me very cynical, so while I will not be leaving at all, I will be reminding myself often that this is not a job, and taking every measure to make sure every single thing I do here is something I love. If that means deleting asks and dropping threads to start new ones in their place, then so be it. I’ve let myself cave to pressure far too much, and that needs to stop happening so I can stay here and enjoy what I still have. I want to work on setting my blogs up before starting too many new interactions, and that may take a really long time, which I’m sorry for, but it will make me happier in the end to be properly nested, rather than laying in the middle of a constant work in progress.

This won’t impact my activity very much, though, to be totally honest. I’m already not here more often than not, so the main difference will hopefully be that I am happier and less stressed when I am around.

Otherwise, I want to start focusing on my art a lot, and creating content, rather than simply augmenting it. This hopefully means I’ll be posting to my art blog more often, and may even be creating some original stories. Ultimately there may be a major social media withdrawal in the future because I want to get back to the magic of discovery and creation, and I can’t tell what part of my life is causing it to stagnate, but we’ll see.

Regardless, I want to thank every single person who’s read this- including those who skipped down to the bolded bit because heaven knows the middle was emotional mush- and everyone who’s supported or stuck by me all this time.

I saw a comment on one of my posts by someone saying that most of you probably don’t have Borderline. To that person I want to say this: congratulations on invalidating people’s struggles. I’m sure they were going through an easy time and needed to be knocked down a peg. Oh wait...they’re reblogging from a mental illness blog. That means you should try to NOT be rude (but I either have BPD and am manipulative or I don’t and am manipulative...?) That means you should try to help them find balance, if you yourself are able to do so without jeopardizing your own self care. If your self care comes first (and for some reason comes at the expense of others) then get off my page. If being so petty on your high horse while diagnosing strangers as you sit behind an avatar helps you, then seek more therapy rather than dismissing people who look at my blog. The people looking at my blog are trying to get help, discussing ways to not harm themselves, and working on getting better. Trolls like you invalidate their progress. So...congrats? Congrats on making suicidal people feel worse. Wow, you’ve certainly helped the world and in no way pushed anyone closer to self-harm; you were only being blunt, right? That’s great. You’re being so loving and I’m sure good karma is coming your way. Sincerely, however, congratulations to each of you who ARE trying to actually be better. Congrats to those of you who use Tumblr as a way to work on yourself and find your community despite trolls. Those of you who simply reblog or like a post are doing so much more for the BPD community and yourselves than those who spread hate. You know yourself, you know your diagnosis. Please know that there are so many people (myself included) who are here to listen even if blogs named something like “xbgmskmcnend” do the opposite. BPD is a spectrum. You know yourself the best. And I refuse to let anyone belittle you.

No joke, I often wonder what my life would’ve looked like if I wasn’t born in 82. If I wouldn’t be struggling to find a diagnosis at thirty-fucking-eight to explain why my brain, my life is like this.

long post is long

All through elementary school I had 1 friend, the other outcast. This happened in two separate elementary schools in the district. Two separate groups of kids decided there was something ‘wrong’ about me that they didn’t like, and that was that. In my first school, I was put in group therapy (and didn’t even fucking realize it, I was the kind of kid that just went with what they were told - always desperate to please). I don’t remember much about it other than the leader - the school psych split between 4 elm schools who would come in once a year to say ‘hey I’m here if you need me’ - and a kid talking about being hit in the face with a waffle maker (I remember being fascinated by his black eye, it was so black and puffy and it took sooo many meetings to heal properly). That’s all I remember. That’s all the school ‘did’ to help me.

One time my mom was giving me a bath, and she was like ‘why are you covered in bruises?’ (Ironic b/c she was a hitter) and I just said ‘oh the kids on the playground’ like it was normal for me to get my ass beat. She went to the principal. This was probably like 90/91. He had me write an essay about the other things I could do to stay away from the mean kids - I think he’d been told I followed the bullies around. Idk, man. I didn’t get social cues, I thought we were playing, etc. (for the record, my mom did tell me to leave the office and then told the principal she wouldn’t contradict him to me, but she thought that was an awful way to handle me getting bullied - again it was the 90s, I don’t fault my parents much for not realizing something was *seriously* different about me. That’s the point. Autistic was just for nonverbal kids. ADHD was for those so active they couldn’t sit in the classroom. Neuro-typical or Neuro-Divergent were not terms anyone know about. They didn’t discuss or know much about the spectrum of neurodiversity. They sure as fuck didn’t see it in AFAB kids like myself. I was just ‘weird’ and I have the mental scars to prove it (typing about elem school right now? Making me sweaty and nauseated- that’s how I feel when I look back at most of my childhood in school. Actually. My eyes are sweating too)

I struggled academically. When I tell people now that I was in the lowest reading groups from K-6th grade, people are surprised: I’m a librarian. But there is some kind of diagnosed learning disability in me that made it impossible for me to pass a spelling test - and I still fucking can’t - and since school tied writing with reading, they decided I needed the lowest group. They knew something was up because my compression was good but I failed the spelling tests. They tested me for dyslexia in 15 minutes one day in third grade. I sat at a machine, looked in, and pointed my finger in the direction the letters were facing. I remember it clearly. From that test, they were like ‘nope you just slow’ and put me in the remedial reading groups. Now, a large difference between comprehension and spelling would be a flag that would’ve been investigated. I know this because 2 of my sisters kids have dysgraphia. Something that wasn’t tested for in the 90s, or if it was not in a school nurse’s office.

Do you know what my grades looked like, even in college? Cs in most everything but my major classes. Grad school, I got a 3.7 - almost as if, and this is a shocker to you neurodiverse folks, I know, almost as if I could only really excel in the things my brain was interested in...wow. Shock.

I often say you couldn’t pay me to go back to high school. But then I wonder. What if I was a student now. Would they have found out about the probable ADHD/Autisim? (I’m not sure which I am but I do know I’m not neurotypical!) Would I have been given resources to help fit into the world I still clearly struggle with? Would I have so much trouble in my carrier as I have now, because people make assumptions about me being lazy or weird or not ‘right’ and dislike my mannerisms and speak and dissect everything I say? Like, no joke, I forgot how to explain the summer reading club in front of an audience once, and the librarian that went with me told the director I was awful. Shit, would that have happened if I was properly medicated? If I knew how to handle my brain forgetting shit, or how distracted the crowd of kids made me (funny thing, I can do standup just fine if the stage lights blinding me from looking out, but the second I see the crowd I get distracted and start mumbling things at people rather than the prepared jokes).

There are positives. I see *everything* happening in my story time. So i see when I’m losing the kids, I see when a sibling is beating the crap out of another. I see those kids in the audience when I talk about the summer reading club that are harassing another student, etc. I think I keep my library safer because I see every-fucking-thing going on.

But I think I’d do so much better in life if I was helped younger. I know I’d feel better about myself. I’m working through my shit self esteem but the truth is I’ve hated myself for not making it work, for not fitting in, my whole life. And the people that say ‘embrace your differences’ don’t know what it’s like for your stomach to drop out when the teacher says ‘find a partner’ because you know nobody will be yours (once, my teacher called my mom in tears because we were planning for a zoo trip and everyone else had a group, and when she asked who would take me, two groups raised their hands and she said ‘I’ve never seen her face light up like that’ - this was the exception to the norm)

Soooo.. yeah. I’m crying now. I’m not sure why I even wrote all this. This is tumblr. Nobody reads and responds much. I guess that might be why. I just...everyone neurotypical is born with a manual I just never had. And I can’t reconcile that with the idea that if I was born 20/30 years later, maybe I would’ve been at least allowed to glimpse the manual from time to time.

ETA: Talking about being undiagnosed with a learning disability and spell ‘because’ wrong every single time....i didn’t do that on purpose.

Been A While

Oh, hi there, Tumblr. It’s been a while. At least since...

*checks last post*

Oh wow. My birthday. That was...months ago.

Welp. Ha. I guess I’m here now so what the hey.

Hope everyone has been well.

I’m keeping up okay. Still writing, gaming and all that. 

Some days are good. Some days are bad. Most days blend together, most weeks feel exactly like the last one.

Honestly, not a lot has changed since I last wrote in December. Physically, I’m dealing with a bit of a low point, but I’m trying to come out of it. Emotionally, I’d say I’m tired but bullish. I can see the season turning, the grass returning and the air warming up and I want to be a part of that.

I’ve had some folks asking what I’ve been up to lately for games and anime. So here’s a quick once-over.

For video games-

-Miraculously obtained both a Series X and a PS5. If Sony’s exclusives, a new UI and a fancy new controller appeal to you- get the PS5. If you’d rather have a mass of games immediately accessible to you, enjoy gamepass, and don’t mind a console that essentially feels like an immediate expansion of the previous (the controller is essentially the same, the UI has zero changes, etc) then go with the Series X. Both will continue to find new reasons to appeal to their base, both are outstanding machines in their own right, but at this point, both also offer a very different opening experience from each other- experiences that are equally valuable and compelling, but different nonetheless. Follow your heart- or just grab the one that you can actually locate.

-On the subject of gaming kits- upgraded to a Samsung Q series UHD tv with HDR and retired my yamaha 5.1 for a Bose 700 series soundbar. Can safely say that the jump to HDR is worth it if you can make it happen, even if the uses for the tech are still limited. Sound receivers are likely not going to catch up for at least another year, so a soundbar might be your best option if you want to do HDR AND have quality sound during the experience.

-I’ve barely touched my Oculus Quest 2. There just isn’t that much to do on it. Sales have allegedly been strong for the plucky new headset, but that hasn’t followed within the VR world itself. The store still feels small and experiences like virtual events are heavily reliant on a strong internet connection to work seamlessly. For example, I attended a basketball game in Venues and gave up after the 1st quarter, the visual fidelity being so shaky that it felt like attending the game without my glasses. Hooking up the system for remote desktop or linkplay (essentially making your Quest into a Rift-equivalent device) makes for an uneven experience at best, with lag and connection issues being a constant concern. Until more people I know pick up the device, or more versatile social apps/immersive games release, the Quest 2 will feel more like a novelty in my gaming collection than a full-fledged device.

-Finished Cyberpunk 2077 on Series X. It was fine. Maybe I’ll write more on it at a later date. My thoughts DURING the playthrough felt more complex than my thoughts after it.

-Finished the main game of Super Mario 3D World on Switch. That game is still absolutely outstanding and a masterpiece.

-Started Dragon Quest XI on Switch. It is refreshingly chill and simple.

-Finished Hitman 2 (PS4) and started Hitman 3 (PS5). It continues to be one of my all-time favorite franchises in gaming.

-Started Demon’s Souls (PS5). It’s hard!

-Dabbled in King of Fighters 2002 Unlimited Match (Switch), No Man’s Sky (Series X), Sims 4 (PC), AC: Valhalla (Series X), Earth Defense Force 5 (PS4), Dead Rising 2: Off the Record (PS4) and touched many, many more games that I’m sure I’m forgetting to list here.

-Played the demo for Project Triangle and immediately put it at the top of my most anticipated games list.

-Completed a new playthrough of Civilization 6. It was satisfying, even if the expansion continues to fall short of adding things like basic AI and Diplomacy upgrades that make other games like Endless Space 2 more rewarding.

-I played Overwatch socially for the first time in months and had a blast. I still can only stomach 6v6 classic, so I’m grateful that my friends were willing to humor me. As Overwatch 2 gets closer maybe I’ll write a longer retrospective on my relationship with Overwatch- from newcomer to heavily invested comp player to distanced/disillusioned outsider to my current resting place as a casual/non-competitive wellwisher. It’s been a weird, at times tumultuous journey. But I continue to be grateful that Overwatch can exist in a way I can enjoy- especially with my friends.

For anime-

-On a weekly basis I still follow Jujutsu Kaisen and Dr. Stone. Both still absolutely rule.

-Dropped off of The Promised Neverland. the story took a turn I just couldn’t follow. I’ll need some time before I go back to it. I’m told it skips an important arc. It shows.

-Finally broke through an incredibly dull arc in Katekyo Hitman Reborn! We’re in the Choice arc now, and it’s back to doing what Reborn does best- exciting shonen battles featuring strange powers and demonstrations of character growth through conflict.

-I’ve finished my first 50 episodes of Dragon Ball (watching it in English). I like it! It’s deeply weird- sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways, but mostly it’s just fun. 

-Completed a rewatch of Mobile Suit Gundam Wing with my brother (again, in English). This is the third time I’ve rewatched the series. My thoughts haven’t changed much- it gets a bad rap for its occasionally silly dub and deeply serious overtones, but deserves points for approaching the topics of war of violence with a gravity absent in other anime.

-Slowly working through Fist of the North Star, which is ridiculously cool and a ton of fun to watch- even if it is also terrifically dark.

Other hobbies-

-Almost finished with the Barracuda Bay pirate lego set. Only took me like...5 months? Thereabouts? I plan to do the haunted house next, and also want to start incorporating Light My Bricks into the sets to add some life to them.

-Still working out 5 days a week when possible. Going through a rough patch, physically, right now, but I’m trying to power through. 

-Therapy was reduced to bi-weekly. I guess that means I’m making progress? It’s been a weird journey, ‘cuz I don’t feel different or transformed or anything like that. If anything, I feel more anxious than before? But I guess the point is that my awareness is supposed to be higher now and my ability to exercise restraint is supposed to be stronger. Here’s hoping!

-Still dialed back on alcohol, caffeine, sodium...you know, all the stuff that makes life worth waking up for. Unfortunately, it’s a bit out of my control. it’s made for a lot of sleep and some moody af days. And also my body compensating by getting really hot for sugar in any form. I drank a coke yesterday for the first time in months. It was wild.

-My screenplay continues to hover at 200 pages. I got things shifted into episodic format. My partner and I continue to work through how the release will look and a lot of retrospect changes have happened to account for the turns the story takes later. Alice and the Pale Horse will release- sooner than later, hopefully- but it’s going to take some more work. However, I am excited to admit out loud that I am basically writing an anime at this point.

-I’m running two DND campaigns- The Ghosts of Saltmarsh and The Lost Shrine of Tamoachan. I’m really diving into it after spending recent months avoiding it. I’m trying to focus on learning stories and working with my party. I think I was approaching burnout the past few months, but as odd as it sounds- taking on a second campaign helped me avert it. It feels less like a monthly event I have to start my engine anew for every time and more like a routine hobby I’m constantly a little immersed in.

- I haven’t done much reading. Since my job put the ax to my reading on the clock it’s been hard to make much progress. I’m hoping that as the weather warms up I can go back to my nightly reads on the stoop. I have Berserk, Sailor Moon in my queue, as well as no shortage of mystery novels to knock out.

-Baseball is coming! I want to be excited. I’m trying to be. I just have so many hobbies and baseball feels like the least urgent. It’s hard when I don’t have much of a social world built around it (or sports in general) beyond my dad and one close friend. I’ll do my best to try and tune in at least once or twice a week to keep current. There’s just so much baseball. It’s hard to get invested without a cost to other hobbies I admittedly enjoy more.

-I still hang on Spriteclub a lot. It’s been seven months now. It feels like I’m starting to become a part of the community. There are people I look forward to talkking to every day and I continue to run custom matches and participate in tournaments. It continues to be one of the most important social outlets of my life during the pandemic.

And that’s pretty much it! Like I tell my parents- if I’m not updating folks on what’s going on in life, it’s cuz nothing is happening. It seems hilarious to say that, because obviously, based on the above report, a lot is happening! I’m up in my hobbies daily and clearly continue to struggle, grow and develop in tangible ways.

I’ll try and be more current here as the seasons turn. I have a draft regarding 2077 in the works, though I struggle with what I have a right to comment on as a consumer (I don’t consider myself much of a critic). And as the anime season wraps up I’ll have some reports to offer on my favorites. I have also had a few requests for comparing the Series X with the PS5, so that might warrant a post too.

In the meantime, keep up with me on Twitter, and as always- tell me about the anime you’re watching, the games you’re playing and the experiences that are speaking to you. I had a friend who messaged me the other day to tell me they gave an anime a shot based on a retrospective I wrote- it was a title they otherwise would not have watched- and they ended up loving it. Those are the kinds of messages that literally make my week.

So if you see something I happened to write about- even if you hate it- let me know! I always enjoy hearing about people’s experiences on a personal level.  Stay safe out there everyone. Until next time ~

Alright, due to general interest...

Almost two months later–we’ve been doing great, thank you for all your (overwhelming) inquiry. The life without the bottomless pit of crap that’s OUaT, as well as its cesspool of a fandom–can do wonders for your complexion. Ulcers, too. Watching actual good TV and doing actual real-life activism that does make difference, you know? So while we’re grateful for your concern, this is now a response to ALL of you who messaged us (or other people you thought were our ‘friends’ and ‘in the know’) wondering–why we chose to do this. The (long) answer would be–we were simply NOT interested in any more in…

1. New OUaT storylines, because we were there for the old ones–on which they shat on, at every turn. So, this reset/restart? Sheer desperation. Starting from the ”very special new gay character” (this time allegedly not the one to be quickly and happily swept under the rug after their cringeworthy five minutes of pointless tokenism? Wow. Groundbreaking!). All based solely on actors’ fanbase rather than characters and/or good storytelling, so the best one can expect plot-wise is just fanservice--more curses, more info dump, fast-paced shallowness and of course–retcons. Of retcons.

2. New characters/actors, because if five out of their six seasons gave us nothing more than inconsistent drivel where they broke about eleventy thousand rules of decent (see: something audience with an ounce of intelligence can watch) writing, the best one can expect character-wise is… well, what you got so far–inconsistent crap, serving just for one thing–to Mary/Marty Sue. Both on behalf of Kitsowitz as well as dimwits buying it.

3. Any new ‘modern fairytale’ they can try and sell as such, because no–we are NOT the audience for these hacks. Their target are the dim, superficial, limited and conservative (see: bigoted, racist, homophobic and misogynist) or just dumb Tweens and Twimoms.

4. New shit based on old tried and tested shit, when even bad promotion is good promotion. Shameful public behaviour from people like Aguilerra, YNB and Shatner fueling more fandom toxicity, and Kitsovitz of course kissing their collective arse despite them bullying/doxxing their fans (people who actually buy their product) because–free promotion.

5. Meta rehash – because for about four years now there hasn’t been anything out there that hasn’t been chewed up and digested, ad nauseam.

(and yes, again: not everything analytical/speculative is a meta, read up)

6. Systemic issues/intersectionality/ discussions–because as shown consistently (which yay, they DO know what ‘consistency’ is–after all?) during the past five years they simply DGaF. And besides, after all these years, please don’t tell me you still expect any decency from them in terms of acknowledgement, treatment or, godforbid–representation?

7. Either critical or hopeful, negative or positive theorizing and analyses, because–see #1, #2, #5, and #6.

8. The “other camp’s" aggressive bigotry and homophobia. Us wanting the story about two mothers sharing a son is about normalcy, about equality. Not our self-insertion because of ‘gay privilege’. Privilege would be gay people not having to pay taxes. You know, kinda like their churches don’t?

9. General idiocy of our part of the fandom, such as... “yeah, I used to ship Swan Queen, but Emma sucks anyway (and also it’s all JMo’s fault because she’s closeted and a homophobe while Lana is a faultless demi-goddess!) but I’m here just for Lana and hey, I did spit at their token lesbians because representation FTW but still, GIVE REGINA A FEMALE LI THIS SEASON!!I!” *rolls eyes* It’s okay when you’re a young queer person just starting to learn and gain their footing, but when you’re a 30+ yo? Not sure what’s more cringeworthy and sad, hypocrisy or actor idolatry.

10. General fandom bile in the same corner again, because we don’t know about you–but we here are done with the aggressive, ego-maniacal, self-centred and attention-seeking. Which unfortunately won, if you’ll just look at hat kind of individuals (quasi intellectuals who gain credibility and 'bnf' status by waving around either their academic credentials or industry insight connections, drowning the sheep in condescension--and them buying it nonetheless) you accepted as your fandom leaders, gatekeepers and authorities on all things Regina Mills and Swan Queen. Telling you what to think, what to say and how to behave? *rolls eyes* Fandom is supposed to be a FUN experience, not substitute for therapy.

11. Fandom gossip – general badmouthing, hearsay and other petty crap of such nature. Tumblr community, even one surrounding character larger than life such as Regina Mills, or the one supporting the beautiful idea of a modern fairy-tale about two mothers sharing a son (which should, by the by--be normal, not ‘progressive’ anyways?) should NOT be a microcosm of everyday human pettiness.

12. Anonymous hate in our inbox. Blaming us either for being too critical about everything, or not being critical enough (based on your own fandom ‘allegiances’) and being “a sellout, abandoning the critical/meta fraction when it was in a desperate need of level-headedness and reason”. You realise that it's not US you're angry with, right?

13. Last but not least, if you’re out ‘chaplain Anon’ with delusions of being a protector of naive, manipulated masses–whilst in all actuality being a highly-disassociative, obsessive stalker and a sociopath (in total, you’ve sent about how many, two hundred messages–about ten only last week?) I sincerely hope you’ll seek help. Professional. And then find a new hobby. Perhaps start training for a triathlon? It's great for general fitness as well as heavy neuroses, I hear.

(If you recognise self in any of the listed in #12 and #13, then you can fuck right off. In a wide circle.)

I sincerely hope that all these offer answers to ALL of the questions you’ve been sending us in the meantime. We’re grateful for all your concern, so the purpose of this update was to tell you that yes--while we ARE on an official hiatus, we did say that we’d be around. And we are, which a lot of you PM-ing us, know. We’re still here for you, and we still enjoy talking about all the great, positive things that this show and this fandom gave us. But... *drumrolll* ...

Anonymous posting will be switched OFF, as of this point.

We see no point in it anymore. Honestly, we never did because all civilized discussions and discourse we tried to encourage here--were supposed to be something you could and should have been proud to stand behind, without the greyface and shades. So if you’re going to send us a message and NOT stand behind it, then–it shouldn’t be considered worth reading, at all?

And yes. In the meantime, our decision remains the same. We‘ll be around, in other ways than doing what we used to. This is not a dramatic exit, just... a break, if you will. So if we happen to blink and miss something good happening, either in the ‘new’ show, or the fandom–please feel free to ping us.

Until then…

Your friendly neighbourhood ThinkTankers.

All four of us.

replies

I’m sorry guys, these are massively overdue and I know I’ve skipped a lot TRUST ME I appreciate them all and I really wish I had time to catch up on them all. I’m kind of massively stressed and overwhelmed trying to get caught back up after surgery AND my damn boss is on vacation AGAIN so guess whose free time just evaporated... -_-; My blog might be kind of dead, so I apologize for that. I just need time to get my shit together so I can actually take time and enjoy my hobbies. The LALBC is still happening, no worries, it’s practically all set up anyhow, there just might be some delay before you guys start to actually see it. Also if you’re sending me a sim, you have one week left :P

Replies for @simblu @willky12 @owly-sims @curmudgeonness @nornities @hyperkaos @amphorasims @ashuriphoenix @dramallamadingdang @treason-and-plot @andantezen @tangie0906 

simblu replied to your post “So all the posts in my queue that have been marked nsfw have one thing...”

That is so silly!

willky12 replied to your post “So all the posts in my queue that have been marked nsfw have one thing...”

Imagine tattoo'ed carrots and zucchini's, wow, tumblr would explode at those post! hahaha!

owly-sims replied to your post “So all the posts in my queue that have been marked nsfw have one thing...”

I noticed all my posts that have the word tattoo in them are marked as NSFW. I guess they have words that are flagged for some reason. :[

LOL if Andrei is holding them while dressed in his highly nsfw gnome suit, we’d break tumblr forever :P

curmudgeonness replied to your photo “Look at the cute little shops.  Aha! Souvenirs spotted.  One pirates...”

That grass canopy would be nice to have in Sims 3.

WOuldn’t it? I think I’m going to come out of this with a shopping list of stuff to try converting...

simblu replied to your photo “Here we find ourselves back in the medieval land of Dragon Valley, in...”

Love your silly bears

nornities replied to your photo “Here we find ourselves back in the medieval land of Dragon Valley, in...”

I love cow.

LOL I’m glad you guys like them.

willky12 replied to your photo “Cassandra is me at the beach. Fully dressed in black from head to toe...”

Except Cassandra is much closer to the water than you ;DD

:P I would put a toe in.

hyperkaos replied to your photo “To make himself feel better after almost dying from being in close...”

His eyes are screaming (((((BEWBS!))))

LOL totes. 

amphorasims replied to your post “My cat, the same one who turns up his nose at turkey, bacon or *gasp*...”

My cat turns up her snobby nose at everything except for roasted chicken. And like willky's dogs my dogs eat any and everything...including grass, bird poo, dead birds, dead mice, live mice, trash from the garbage can....I refuse to let them lick me for that reason alone. I caught one of the dogs steal a bacon greased paper towel from the garbage and licking it. :P

willky12 replied to your post “My cat, the same one who turns up his nose at turkey, bacon or *gasp*...”

Pffft, both my dogs would eat the turkey bacon tuna peas carrots vegan hot dogs tofu leaves dirt grass, should I go on? XP

dramallamadingdang replied to your post “My cat, the same one who turns up his nose at turkey, bacon or *gasp*...”

LOL. We have a cat whose favorite food is tofu. She'll turn her nose up at most meat/fish, won't eat canned cat food at all, but she loooooooves tofu. Curried tofu, tofu turned into "egg" salad, BBQ tofu, even just plain old tofu. She'd probably eat a whole block all by herself if she could. She'll eat cooked chicken breast and she eats her dry kibble, but her heart belongs to tofu. :)

LOL all dogs are vacuum cleaners though! Cats are notoriously picky, which is why I find it so funny my idiot cat likes veggies when he’s supposed to be a blasted carnivore. Dogs are omnivores (and opportunists - hello, wolves eat literally whatever they can find) so I can understand snuffling up whatever they can get into. Peanut has always hated human food AND most cat food, he’s extremely picky about kibble (he actually tried to starve himself when the vet decided he needed to eat science diet... Peanut decided he’d rather die, literally) but will eat almost any gravy heavy wet cat food. But why peas? Or carrots? He makes my brain hurt. Also, that is hilarious about your cat loving tofu so much. I feel the same way xD

hyperkaos replied to your photoset “Hello Don your new wife would like to pinch your butt do you mind...”

My what nice pigtails you have. hehehe

LOL

owly-sims replied to your photo “Take that, Tumblr safe mode. Take it and like it. ”

I am scandalized! SCANDALIZED!

Bwahahahaha!

ashuriphoenix replied to your photo “Take that, Tumblr safe mode. Take it and like it. ”

Sherbet cock is too much. Sending you the therapy bills. D:

xD you and everyone else. I have bills coming out my nose right now. 

willky12 replied to your photo “Pappy: O_O oh my god this green cloud is following me everywhere....”

Toilet cleaner?! Gah, something a little stronger I think XD

LOL ok maybe just pure acid.

treason-and-plot replied to your photoset “I switched to the Goths briefly because i wanted to explore a vacation...”

In my husband's village the rellies are all buried in the front yard. He said when he was a teen he would come home drunk and trip over great grandma ��

omg lmfao I died when I read this. Ty you made my day, that is so fucked up

andantezen replied to your photo “The Ivy house:  the master bedroom Last room one the ivy house tour”

thank you for the tour! You've done a beautiful job decorating it!

Yw! I’m glad you enjoyed it :)

ashuriphoenix replied to your photoset “titosims: Berylla Boffin - for @acquiresimoleons Lords & Ladies...”

I love this. Bonus points if the monk's foreplay includes braiding her foot hair. xD

LOL so fucked up A+ necessary plot twist now

ashuriphoenix replied to your photoset “The Ivy house: Peanut’s room. ”

Dresser ducky!

xD 

ashuriphoenix replied to your photoset “Don either likes kids or likes toys. I wonder if ts2 has a ducky toy…....”

Someone has converted the TS4 ducky toy for TS2, I know.

Whaaat? Links, pls if you have them! If not don’t worry, I will google when I have time.

tangie0906 replied to your photo “Gladsten leaves the cafe to head home to his trailer. For now he has a...”

I love that Jeep! It's pretty cheap. If you think it's looks too nice, how about using a rusted metal pattern on it?

I will try this at some point, when I have my cc sorted out to go back into that save.

dramallamadingdang replied to your photo “Annalove’s kid, whatever the peanut is called, is up at the counter...”

That's an impressive gumball machine!

Isn’t it though? It’s huge though and I always have trouble making it seem like it really fits someplace :/

ashuriphoenix replied to your photo “Annalove’s kid, whatever the peanut is called, is up at the counter...”

Someday, you will be a screenshot surgeon. xD

I aspire to your skill level!

amphorasims replied to your photo “His breakfast is a fried peanutbutter and banana sandwich because what...”

Guarding coffee is a most noble deed for the Hipster Dinosaurs.

Hopefully the barista’s wear wheatgrass sachets so they don’t get bitten when fetching the syrups :P

treason-and-plot replied to your photo “He heads to the cafe to get his coffee. Gladsten isn’t much for...”

Some of them might have journeyed through a monkey's rectum. Just saying.

I legit can’t decide if this would make him regard it as a more manly drink or if he’d spit it out and never buy there again. Conflicted.                     

treason-and-plot replied to your photo “Linda Rogers is here playing a solo on the air guitar. Apparently she...”

The cat obv thinks there will be fish ��

Excellent point!

dramallamadingdang replied to your photo “Gladsten’s day starts with a workout. well, you know. Some people...”

And some people are just plumb crazy! *mutters about people who jump out of bed to go RUN, of all things.*

omg nope can’t do it. I’m perfectly fine going to the gym after work but first thing in my day? Ugggh. All I want to do after a workout is shower and go to bed!

dramallamadingdang replied to your photo “Mooooooooom! Go put clothes on, you’re so embarrassing!” Mary Sue got...”

Well, at least she's not wearing a lampshade on her head or tangoing with a mop or panhandling on the streetside in her underwear. It could be worse! :)

LOL true! We haven’t QUITE reached that stage yet, but Daniel is pushing it!

ashuriphoenix replied to your photoset “I am still muddling through renaming and organizing my cc but i got...”

"Mudroom and rear door" makes your blog totes risqué. Tumblr should mark this one to save me from myself.

Bwahaha I thought so too as I was typing it.

willky12 replied to your photo “Suddenly getting a different idea, Belinda abandons the hot man and...”

All the ladies love Gladsten ;D

For good reason! He’s very nicely built