Marvelous incorrect quotes part 10

(pulled from a quote generator)

Tony, texting Peter during his patrol: text me when you’re home safely

Peter, still having Spider-Man sass: I’m home dangerously

Tony: Stop.

Peter: I’m home lethally

Peter: I am home in extremely lackadaicial and downright reckless fashion.

Tony, already gaining gray hairs: all i’m asking is for you to tell May and i that you’re home and not floating down a river, kid.

Peter: you’re no fun, i’ll be home in an hour!

Peter: when you ask for someone's name, you're essentially asking them what noise you should make to get their attention

Tony: Kid, what the fuck?

Harley: we should ditch names. You can get my attention by making the squeal of a bat bathing in cranberry juice on the night of a full moon.

Tony: ...

Peter: *viciously squeaks*

Harley: yes?

Peter: you wanna get pizza?

Harley: absolutely

They, in fact, wanted to kiss him so bad.

They were just mad because Tony was being his reckless self in the middle of a fucking battle.

Again.

Tony DID NOT expect to be kiss after his comment.

But he was, indeed, kissed.

Very hard.

Multiple times.

I think he was the only one who didn't see that coming.

Irondad fic ideas #122

Peter is always reluctant to let Tony buy him things. It's a point that they argue about constantly (not in an angst way, but not in a joking way either). Every time Tony tries to spend money on him, Peter struggles to accept it and argues that it's too much. Especially when it's for something he just wants rather than needs.

One day, after trying and failing to get Peter to accept some gift, Tony finally gets him to see his side like this:

Tony: What if you had $100, and you saw someone who was hungry and you could just buy them a meal. Wouldn't you do it?

Peter: Well yeah, but-

Tony: What you had $1000 and your best friend Ted was cold and you could just buy him a coat. Even a $400 coat. It'd keep him warm every winter for years. Wouldn't you?

Peter: Yes-

Tony: If you had infinite money and you could just get May jewelry she wanted or just get MJ the art supplies she'd been saving for-

Peter: Okay, yes, I get it

Tony: Kid, you'd spend your last dollar on a stranger. I couldn't spend all of my money in a lifetime if I tried. And I've tried. If you had the kind of money I do, you'd be spending it on everyone you love, all the time. Can't you let me do the same?

Witchy AU: Tony/Everyone

Everyone's loving witches! Especially me.

Tony is one of the most powerful witches on the east coast. He's also without a coven, which puts him in a very delicate situation where he can't tell if people are kind to him because they're nice or if they're trying to sway him toward their own coven. He knows it will get worse as soon as he turns thirty, when he can no longer hide behind the thirteen years of mourning that comes with being orphaned by his own coven. He knows he's part of the reason they're champing at the bit to get him in their ranks--most Endlings mourned for a few years and then fell into the open arms of their favored coven, wanting the safety of a large group. Tony is really the only one who has actively avoided joining a new coven that he's ever known of. He doesn't want to lose his heritage, is the thing. To enter into a new coven, he'll have to give up his family's legacy, his last name and take their own, and yes--he doesn't want to give up his family's money, either. Call him greedy. He doesn't care. His mother didn't hit the docks with nothing but a suitcase of clothes to her name, and Howard didn't start his business from the ground up by himself, to have it taken away from their child. But he has nothing but his money and powers to bargain with, and that's exactly what everyone wants. So when hears about a coven made up of other Endlings, who have banded together specifically so that they don't have to give up anything, sure, he's a little desperate when he goes to them and offers them free use of his mansion and an allowance from his fortune so long as he gets to keep his name and legacy. "How big is the allowance?" a guy with blond hair asks, and then gets elbowed swiftly in the gut. "I dunno, like five grand?" Tony says, shrugging. "A year? Kinda stingy," the woman who elbowed him says, narrowing her eyes at him. "...A month," Tony corrects, trying not to sound snide and failing. The Avengers agree. And then collectively lose their shit when they realize he meant five grand for each of them every month.

The Avengers move in. Tony doesn't see them, though. He thinks they might be avoiding him? He once found a hot cup of coffee still sitting on the table. He'd puttered around for a few minutes to see if the owner would come back, but they hadn't, so he'd simply taken it to his workshop with him. He's not sure if this is normal? Tony had rarely seen his father before he died, and while he'd seen his mother a little more, she'd always been busy. Maybe this is just how covens work--meeting up only when necessary, and only as long as it took to come to a consensus. But maybe he shouldn't have assumed that, Tony thinks, blinking at the rest of the Avengers, holding a cauldron of inert sleeping potion and wearing nothing but a red thong. "...Oh," Steve finally squeaks. "Tony," Bruce says pleasantly when no one else moves to speak. "Why are you naked?" Tony blinks again. "Better results when I can absorb more moonlight. And I'm not naked." Everyone looks down, then back up very quickly, blushing. Even Natasha has turned vaguely pink. "Naked adjacent," Sam says after clearing his throat. Clint squints skeptically. "Does that really help?" "Well," Tony begins, and then the moon comes out from behind the clouds, and it hits his cauldron. The cauldron sparks, sparkles, then exudes a billowing of steam. Tony inhales some and promptly passes out.

Apparently, everyone was avoiding Tony because they thought he wanted space. Why else would he duck other more established covens to join their ragtag group? Most of them hadn't even had a coven to teach them their powers. He was the one they were taking cues from on how to be a normal coven. "D...don't do that," Tony says, stunned. He doesn't know what a normal coven looks like, because even his own had felt wrong to him. It was another reason he'd been scared of joining one of the established families--he wouldn't know what was normal and was terrified they'd take advantage of him. "Yeah, we figured that out," Steve says, rubbing the back of his head and looking anywhere but at him. Tony looks down at the blanket they've covered him with, then squints back up at Steve skeptically. He's covered. "He's an Artist," Bucky explains, clapping Steve on the shoulder hard enough the blond grimaces. "He's already got your body memorized and I'm sure we're going to find one of his moving portraits in the studio--" "Goodbye, Bucky," Steve says, solemn, and then clotheslines him. Tony watches them wrestle for a moment, then turns his squint on the rest of the coven. "Is this normal?" "Eh," Clint replies, shrugging, as Sam puts his face in his hands with a sigh and Natasha and Bruce watch to make sure they don't actually kill each other. "Well, get used to me walking around in a state of undress," Tony retorts. "Clothes feel bad when I do magic." "Oh no," Natasha deadpans. "However will we cope. I hope Steve plasters moving portraits of your bare ass all over the mansion." "You can see it any time you want," Tony answers snidely. "I'm easy."

Now that they know they're welcome, the rest of the Avengers are happy to seek him out to chat. Tony has no idea how they've survived this long. Steve's magic fluctuates wildly, and Bucky's sometimes dims to an ember. Bruce's is based in alchemy, and he rarely practices it safely. Natasha and Clint are secretive about what, exactly, their magic can do, but Tony has noticed more spiders in the corners of the room, watching from their webs and not moving. (He doesn't ask about them). Sam seems to be the only one who has any idea what he's doing, and it turns out the only reason he left his family coven is because he had a trauma that snapped his family ties. He's working on rebuilding them, though. "You're the only normal person here," Tony tells him. "Yeah, I figured that out quickly," Sam deadpans, and then, "Can I keep a falcon?" Tony tips his head and tries not to squint at him. Natasha had told him it looked more judgemental than he meant it to. "It's your house too. Just make sure it meets all specifications, get the permits. Err on the side of too much." "How am I supposed to get permits," Sam asks. "Every time I try they tell me the queue is backed up with years' worth of requests." Tony can't help finally squinting at him with all the judgement he can muster. "You're not a coven of Endlings now, Sam. You joined with the Stark Coven. The name means something to people. And by something it means curses." Sam opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. "Did your parents curse people?" Natasha asks, turning from her book. It's the most intrigued she's ever looked. "Not that anyone can prove," Tony replies, and then doesn't say anything else about it, even when everyone pesters him. Sam tries to punish him by getting chickens, quails, and geese, but it backfires because Tony loves chickens.

"Hey, do you know anyone who wouldn't mind fucking me during the waning gibbous?" Tony asks at dinner, ignorant of the way everyone else either spews their beverage or coughs on food. "It's one of the steps for a spell I'm trying out." "ME," Steve bellows, slamming his hands down on the table as he stands up. Tony blinks at him, stunned. Then he blinks at Clint as he lunges across the table to tackle him with a snarl. Then at Bucky trying to leap at him, except Sam gets in his way. He turns and looks at Natasha and Bruce, who are still eating, casual, as if the rest of their coven are not engaging in fisticuffs. "Sex doesn't do anything for me," Bruce says with a shrug, not looking up from his food. Natasha glances at him, then looks up properly, frowning. "Wait, do I count?" "Are you against pegging?" Tony asks frankly. Natasha stares at him for a moment, then stands up, knife gripped tight in her hand. "Look what you've done," Bruce sighs when she lunges at Sam and Bucky and they promptly start screaming in terror. Tony isn't sorry, even if his mouth has dropped open in shock.

Peter is rambling about ridiculous things and the avengers are half-laughing and half-exasperated because they're in the middle of something that's dangerous and needs all their attention until Sam eventually says, "Shut up, Peter." and Peter does and everyone's so relieved until they realize that Peter is so quiet because he's slumped, unconscious, across the desk.

Tony Stark & T'Challa

Avengers (1998) #68

Daddy!Tony works from home so Little!Peter gets very used to being home with him during the day. One day daddy!Stephen has a day off from work so he's home too and Peter gets so excited to have both daddies home he just runs from one room to the next screaming incoherently

“Is he like this all the time with you? How do you get any work done?” Stephen huffs.

“I swear, he’s not like this at all. Can’t you take him to the park or something?” Tony suggests.

“It’s my one day off! I stand for hours on end in surgery.”

“All right, all right. The movies then?”

Before Stephen can answer, Peter shoots into the room like a rocket, screaming.

“I WANT CANDY!”

peter parker (or, rather, spider-man) has a horrible time during winter.

don’t get him wrong— he loves winter break, he loves playing in the snow, and he loves messing around with ned and MJ while sledding.

one small thing, though.

peter parker, ever since the spider bite, lost the ability to generate his own body temperature. he’s considered telling mr stark, maybe even his aunt—

but he’s always been to stubborn.

too stubborn to let anyone know that he’ll probably pass out if it’s too cold out.

….cue tony stark, finding a half-frozen spider-kid— his spider-kid— shivering his way to mr starks couch. after tony had about an hour of freaking out and trying to warm the poor boy, peter manages to sleep on his mentors couch, covered messily in multiple warm blankets.

safe to say that mr stark’s going to,

1. add heaters to spider-mans suit.

2. study spiders for a brief time just in case his the kid gains any other traits from the nasty little things.

3. somehow find a way to buy peter a warm and fluffy jacket without seeming suspicious.

Peter: Yeah, no worries

Tony: okay, thanks

Peter: They're all mine now

Tony: ...what?

Peter: I have all the worries.

Tony: you sure about that?

Peter: I'm stealing yours.

Harley: Well what if I want some?

Peter: None for you. If you wanted them then too bad

Tony: ...what?

Honestly? He'd brought this whole debacle upon himself. It was Friends With Benefits rule 101: whatever you do, don't get attached. Don't become too familiar. And do not, under any circumstances, fall in love.

Tony Stark had always been a bit shit at following rules, though.

I was scrolling on Pinterest and uhm I found this

I AM NOW SOBBING

I also can't stop seeing that every time I close my eyes

Watched Ironman 1 again and

It always cracks me up when it’s where Obadiah steals Tony’s arc reactor and says, “This is your 9th symphony.”

Like it’s HILARIOUS!

But every time I think about it I always have to sit down and wonder if people know it’s a joke because usually when composers compose their 9th symphony they die (it’s called “the curse of the ninth”) and he thought Tony was going to die.

Am I just a classical music geek?

i’d like to thank the marvel franchise for giving every emotionally strained man at least one child <3

thinking about tony renting the avengers a beachhouse for a week so they can go on a nice, very much needed vacation. they have a bonfire one night, and steve, thor, and clint are fuckin around with a glow in the dark frisbee. steve spends the better half of the "game" staring at tony, though, because he looks so pretty when he's bathed in the orange glow of the fire. he ends up taking the frisbee to the face because he couldn't pull his eyes away from tony in time to see it coming.