dean widower arc moments literally just chewing glass thinking about them. idk why but the romance of it all comes through better than anywhere else. like it's almost like you realize the value of the thing tenfold in its absence or whatever. anyway. god. society if they let dean cradle his body. if they let him hunch over cas' body, if they let him press his hands to cas' wound while he's dying like there's some way that he can save him by the sheer force of his will. if they let him just sit there, devastated, as cas' wings burned themselves into the ground. CAN YOU. IMAGINE. dean's seething, quiet anger and apathy, not his explosiveness. his scrambled brain trying to make head or tails of this life, this situation and not knowing how. it's all so stupidly sad and delicious i hate it i love it
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and actually as someone that divorced out of the military due to spousal abuse i'm allowed more than anyone to waffle on whether or not i hate/have any sympathy for mfs who even signed on in the first place cuz while i understand recruiters will lie to your face & promise you the moon & the us military seems like the only ticket to a good life for a lot of ppl you do not even consider OR MUCH LESS TAKE take that fucking option period unless you are already ok in your heart on a primal level with the concept of having to intentionally end another human's life
and then you go through the psychological horror factory designed to condition any innate morality or questioning or reason or REGARD FOR OTHER HUMANS out of you and mfs wonder why there's such incidence of addiction/suicide/MH issues/abuse/assault amongst current and former service members. nah fam
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Honestly, being a nice chatter in League is so funny. I got autofilled into jungle against an enemy team with mastery points in the millions. Died due to invades twice times in the first minute and a half. Wrote "I just wanna play my skin T_T" and overall joked about my complete inability to do ANYTHING that game.
the enemy viego felt so bad for me he promised not to kill me anymore, and at the very end he just stood in front of our open nexus, giving me advice on how jungle works, what to pay attention to etc, wishing me luck and to enjoy the skin. I was truly so pitiful they didn't end the game to give the sad wet little support main in jungle advice. It was absolutely hysterical.
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every now and then I'll be going be on my merry way, blissfully living my life, until some lines from the song What Would I Do? will randomly pop into my head and I'll go straight back to experiencing The Emotions about high school!Pran and viscerally fantasizing about giving him the tightest of hugs.
But like, what else am I supposed to do with lines like:
"Who would I be
If I had not loved you?
How would I know what love is?
God only knows, too soon
I'll remember your faults
Meanwhile, though, it's tears and schmaltz"
or,
"What would I do
If I had not met you?
Who would I blame my life on?
Once I was told
That all men get what they deserve
Who the hell then threw this curve?"
Or, the one that guts me the most on a regular basis because I'm a sucker for how this song uses the word 'friend' in the context of a romantic relationship:
"No simple answers
But what would I do
If you had not been
My friend?"
I started making this post because those bits kept haunting me but while looking up the lyrics I remembered these lines exist too and oh no everything hurts more:
"Do you regret?
I'd do it again
I'd like to believe that I'd do it again
And again and again"
like. get out.
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