So instead we'll talk about Taylor Swift's Reputation

My Top Ten Overlooked Movies With Female Leads In No Particular Order

Note: When you see this emoji (⚠️) I will be talking about things people may find triggering, which are spoilery more often then not. I mention things that I think may count as triggers so that people with them will be aware before going in to watch any of these.

Edited: 3/16/21

Hanna (2011)

So, before I get into why you should watch this movie, I just want to take a moment to say why it's near and dear to my heart. Growing up as a queer kid in the early 2000s, seeing portrayals of people like or similar to myself on anything was rare at best. It was mostly in more "adult" movies or shows that my parents would occasionally let me watch with them that I'd see any lgbtq+ rep at all. Often times they were either walking stereotypes, designed to be buried, evil, or all three.

Then here comes this PG-13 action thriller with a wonderfully written main female lead who, at the time, was close to my age, and who got to kiss another girl (her very first friend, Sophie) on screen in an extremely tender and heartwarming scene. To say the least, it was a life changing moment for me personally.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, Hanna is a suspenseful movie about a child super-soldier named, you guessed it, Hanna (played by Saoirse Ronan) and her adoptive (?) father Erik Heller (played by Eric Bana) exiting the snowy and isolated wilderness of their home and taking on the shadowy CIA operative, Marissa Wiegler (played by Cate Blanchette) who wants Erik dead and Hanna for herself for mysterious reasons.

It also has an amazing soundtrack by the Chemical Brothers, great action scenes, and it has an over arching fairytale motif, which I'm always a sucker for.

⚠️ Mild blood effects, some painful looking strikes, various character deaths, and child endangerment all feature in this film. However, given its PG-13 rating, a majority of viewers are presumably able to handle this one. Still, be aware of these going in.

Sidenote: It's recently gotten a TV adaptation on Amazon TV, although I have not watched it, and do not know if Hanna and Sophie's romantic/semi-romantic relationship has transferred over.

A Simple Favor

A Simple Favor is a "black-comedy mystery thriller" centered entirely around the relationship between two mothers, the reclusive, rich, mysterious, and regal Emily (played by Blake Lively), and the local recently widowed but plucky mommy blogger, Stephanie (played by Anna Kendrick). When Emily suddenly goes missing, Stephanie takes it upon herself to find out what happened to her new best friend.

It's a fantastic and entertaining movie throughout, with fun, flawed and interesting characters. The relationship between the two female leads is also implied to be at least somewhat romantic in nature, and they even share a kiss.

⚠️ The only major warnings I can think of is that the movie contains an instance of incest and one of the main plotlines revolves around child abuse, although both of these potentially triggering topics are not connected to each other, so there is thankfully no csa going on.

Edit: I legitimately forgot there was drug use in this movie until now. So, yeah, if that's a trigger, be careful of that.

I Am Mother

I became mildly obsessed with this movie when it came out. I Am Mother is a sci-fi film that centers entirely around a cast of two woman, and a female-adjacent robot who is brought to life on screen with absolutely amazing practical effects.

The plot is such, after an extinction-level event, a lone robot known only as Mother tasks herself with replenishing the human race via artifical means. She begins with the film's main protagonist, Daughter. Years go by as Mother raises her human child and the two prepare for Daughter's first sibling (a brother) to be born. However, on Daughter's 16th birthday, the arrival of an outsider known only as Woman shakes Daughter's entire world view. She begins to question Mother's very nature, as well as what's really going on outside the bunker she and her caretaker call home.

⚠️ This movie features child endangerment and reference to child death.

Lilo and Stitch

When I decided to add a single Disney film to this list I initially thought it was going to be hard but almost immediately my brain went to Lilo and Stitch, and specifically about the relationship between Lilo and Nani.

On the surface, this film is about a lonely little girl accidentally adopting a fugitive alien creature as a "dog," but underneath that the story is also about two orphaned sisters and the older sister's attempts to not let social services tear them apart by stepping up as the younger sister's primary guardian. Despite its seemingly goofy premise, Lilo and Stitch has a very emotional and thoughtful center. It's little wonder how this movie managed to spawn an entire franchise.

Despite the franchise it spawned (or possibly because of it), I often find that Lilo and Stitch is overlooked and many people only remember it for the "little girl adopts an alien as a pet" portion of its plot, and I very rarely see it on people's top 10 Disney lists.

⚠️ This movie could be potentially triggering to people who were separated from their siblings or other family members due to social service intervention. There's also a bit of child endangerment, including a scene where Lilo and Stitch both almost drown.

Nausicaä and the Valley of the Wind

Unlike the above entry, I did struggle a little bit with picking a single Studio Ghibli film. Most media of the Ghibli catalogue have strong, well-written, unique, and interesting female leads so selecting just one seemed like quite the task.

However, I eventually settled on this particular film. In recent months, Princess Nausicaä has become my absolute favorite Ghibli protagonist and I'm absolutely enchanted by the world she lives in.

Set in a post-apocalyptic world overun by giant insects and under threat of a toxic forest and its poisoness spores, Nausicaä must try to protect the Valley of the Wind from invaders as she also tries to understand the science behind the toxic forest and attempts to bridge the gap between the insects and the humans.

For those who have never seen the film, I think Nausicaä's personality can best be described as being similar to OT Luke Skywalker. Both are caring, compassionate, and gentle souls who are able to see the best in nearly anyone or anything. She's an absolutely enthralling protagonist and after rewatching the film again for the first time in well over a decade she has easily become one of my all time favorite protagonists.

Whenever I see people talk about Ghibli films, they rarely mention this one, and when they do mention it, it's often in passing. In my opinion it's a must watch.

⚠️ This movie contains some blood, and the folks who either don't like insects or who have entomophobia may not appreciate the giant bugs running about throughout the movie. (Although most insects do not directly relate to real life bugs, and are fantasy creatures).

A Silent Voice

A Silent Voice is an animated movie adaptation of a manga of the same name. While I've never had the pleasure to read the manga, the movie is phenomenal. It covers topics such a bullying, living in the world with a disability, the desire for atonement, social anxiety, and depression in a well thought out manner that ties itself together through the progression of the relationship between its two leads, Shoya and Shouko. It's also beautifully animated. Although very popular among anime viewers, I've noticed that it's often overlooked by people who watch little to no anime. So I suppose this is me urging non-anime viewers to give this film a chance.

⚠️ As mentioned above, the movie deals with bullying, anxiety, and depression (with this last one including suicidal thoughts and behaviour). If discussion of those topics are triggering to you, than you may want to proceed with caution or skip this movie all together.

In This Corner of The World

Another manga adaptation, this one taking place during WWII-era Japan. In This Corner of The World follows the life of a civilian Japanese woman, Suzu Urano, as she navigates simply living and her new marriage as the wartime invades nearly all aspects of everyday life. I think this movie is a good representation of what it must be like to be living as civilian in a country at war where the fight is sometimes fought on one's own soil. It was also an interesting look into pre-50s Japanese culture in my opinion. It's also beautifully animated featuring an art style I don't see often.

Despite it being well known among anime fans, I never really see it be brought up, even among said anime fans themselves.

Side note: I've seen many WWII dramas centering around civilians but they've almost always been about American or UK civilians. This was the first movie I'd seen that features the perspective of a Japanese civilain.

⚠️ Features the death of a child and limb loss. There's also a disturbing scene featuring a victim of one of the atomic bombs near the end.

Wolf Children: Ame and Yuki

This film follows Hana, a Japan-native woman who fell in love with a magical shape-shifting wolf-man, and her trials with raising their children, who can also magically shape-shift into wolves, on her own. It's a very heartfelt movie about a mother's love and the struggles of doing right by your children when you have limited resources to actively guide and care for them. All the characters feel unique and alive in my opinion. Also, the animation is so good that my sister and I initially mistook it for a Ghibli film.

Again, like the previous two anime entries, I don't see it ever brought up outside of anime circles.

⚠️ There's some child endangerment present in the film, although none of it is the fault of Hana as far as I can remember.

Roman Holiday

Roman Holiday is about the fictional Princess Ann (played by Audrey Hepburn), who while on a whirlwind tour of Europe, finally reaches her breaking point over having her entire life be one big schedule and all her words and actions being rehearsed. In the spur of the moment, she runs away in hopes of experiencing what life is like for other women. Unfortunately, she was previously given a sedative, meaning she doesn't get too far before it takes effect. Fortunately, she is found by the kind reporter Joe Bradley (played by Gregory Peck). Believing her to be drunk and unable to get an address from her (because she has none) he ends up taking her home for safety's sake and allows her to sleep off her suppose drunken stupor. The next day, he realizes who she is, and decides to take her on a fun sight seeing trip across Rome in hopes of getting the big scoop. Along the way, they begin to fall for each other.

This is my favorite black and white, old romance film. I think the relationship between the main characters is absolutely beautiful and I have a lot of fun watching it.

⚠️ I'm not entirely sure what kind of warning this film would need. However, it was released in 1953, so values dissonance will probably be at play for many viewers to at least some extent. For example, early in the film Ann is given sedation drugs by her doctor for her behavior, something that is very unlikely to happen today. Also, Mr Bradley deciding to take Ann home to keep her safe rather than call the police or an ambulance is a very pre-90s decision in my opinion.

Salt-Fic September Day 26: Abandoned

Marinette was numb as she realized what had happened. This was horrible. The class had abandoned her in Gotham, alone. To think everything had been going well. The class had been nicer to her, and Lila wasn’t actively trying to ruin her time on the trip. In retrospect, that should have been Marinette’s first clue that something was wrong. She couldn’t believe this, and it had all happened in the course of two days.

The class was trying to come up with a place to go for the end of the year trip. Lila had become the class representative a few months back, when the class had started to believe the worst in Marinette. Lila had turned this into a class discussion in the guise of including the whole class in the decision. In reality, she didn’t have any good ideas and just wanted to steal someone’s idea to avoid the class’ irritation. But no one in the class had any good ideas either. Marinette sat in the back of the room just listening to the chaos of the class’ discussion.

 While she may not be the class rep anymore, she still doesn’t want her friends to be disappointed by the class trip. She had found an amazing opportunity for the class. The Wayne family was sponsoring a trip to Gotham for the class who submitted the best video essay about their collective accomplishments. Marinette spent several weeks on it, but she was able to submit a video to the contest.

 A few weeks passed and Marinette received an email from the contest. Her submission had won the contest! She was thrilled. She was excited to tell everyone, but then she realized that she shouldn’t. With the way the class thought of her now, they would likely immediately reject the idea purely because she suggested it. Instead she sent the information to Mrs. Bustier and asked her not to say who won the contest. Surprisingly, she agreed to her request and didn’t say anything.

 Lila had no idea who won the contest, but she didn’t care. This was perfect. Lila immediately claimed the credit for winning the contest. “It was hard to write the essay through the pain from my sprained wrist, but I did it for you guys.” The class fawned over Lila, thanking her for her dedication. Meanwhile, Marinette just rolled her eyes. The information Mrs. Bustier sent the class specifically said that it was a video essay contest, not a writing contest. How could the class not realize this was a lie? They had the proof right in front of them. But that wasn’t important, at least the class would have a nice trip.

 That was how the class had ended up in Gotham. The trip had been going surprisingly well. Marinette had expected that Lila would hog all the attention and the class would treat her as coldly as they had back in Paris. But instead, Lila was quieter than normal and the class was chatting with her again. Marinette had hoped that meant that they had realized that Lila was a liar and were willing to be her friends again.

 Marinette was having a great time on the trip, when she met him. He had tan skin and dark hair. He was sitting in one of the halls of the Wayne Enterprises building the class was touring. He was sitting on a bench and reading a book. Marinette had been looking for a quiet place to sketch while the class ate lunch and decided to sit next to him. When she sat down, he gave her an incredulous look, as though he couldn’t believe she sat there. Then he just turned back to his book, and ignored her.

 Time went by, and the two just kept reading and sketching in quiet. Eventually though, the boy’s eyes found Marinette’s sketchbook again. He stared at the sketch which appeared to be an outfit based off Robin’s costume. “Your work is exquisite. Very detailed.” Marinette was startled by the sudden noise. “Thank you. That is kind of you to say.” “Is it based on Robin’s costume? Why did you choose that costume?” Marinette went on to discuss her process for this design. The conversations continued until the end of the lunch for the class. When the class gathered outside of the cafeteria, Marinette had to leave. But before she did, the boy, who she now knew was called Damian, asked her, “I apologize if this is too forward, but would you care to have dinner with me tomorrow night?” Marinette agreed eagerly and was looking forward to seeing Damian again.

 Marinette had no idea who exactly Damian was until later that night while speaking with Alya. “Girl, you scored a date with Damian Wayne. So, its tomorrow night? What time?” The girls spent several hours discussing the date. Alya wanted all the details. It felt like old times, before Lila ever appeared. Marinette enjoyed this time with her best friend. Alya even helped her get ready for the date, choosing an outfit and how she should do her hair and makeup. Marinette had no idea what Alya and the rest of the class was really planning.

 The next night was one of the best nights in Marinette’s life. Damian had arrived early and endured some teasing from Alya and the class as Marinette finished getting ready. They left and had a wonderful dinner. Damian even took Marinette for a walk in a nearby park, while his brothers watched from the roof tops to make sure no rouges got any funny ideas. Marinette had a wonderful time. Damian dropped her off back at the hotel, and even walked her to the door to her room. Marinette was in such a happy mood. That was until she opened the door to her room after Damian left. The room was empty. All of Alya’s things were gone. They had been sharing a room. Marinette’s things were still there, but Alya’s things were gone.

 Marinette searched the whole hotel, but didn’t find anyone from class. She went to the front desk and asked about her class. The person working the desk looked at her in shock. “You are still here? Your class already left, said there was some emergency in Paris.” Marinette panicked, expecting a bad akuma and checked for news on her phone. But there wasn’t anything. Instead, there was an unread text.

You shouldn’t have messed with Lila. Maybe this will teach you a lesson. Have a good time getting home.-Alya

Marinette couldn’t believe it. The class had abandoned her in Gotham.

 She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to get home. She didn’t have money to get a plane ticket, and the class must have done something to her original ticket. She called her parents and they got her a ticket for the first available flight, which wouldn’t be until tomorrow evening. Marinette spoke with the hotel staff member at the desk, to see about staying in her room one more night. But they told her that someone else had already checked into the room for the night. Her stuff was brought to her from the room and she didn’t know what to do now. She had no where to stay for the night.

 Marinette realized she had only one option. She gathered her stuff and went to the Wayne Manor. When she arrived, she was greeted by an older man who stared at her inquisitively. “Good evening. I was having dinner with Damian earlier tonight. Something has happened and I didn’t know where else to go, may I please speak with him?” The butler looked at her warily, but did let her in the manor. He led her to a parlor and went to fetch Damian.

 A few minutes passed and he returned with Damian following with a confused look on his face. “Marinette? What happened? Why are you here?” Marinette explained everything that had happened since Damian dropped her off. “So, they just abandoned me here. I already have a flight booked for tomorrow night thanks to my parents. But I don’t have anywhere to stay tonight. I’m sorry to impose, but I didn’t have anywhere else to turn.” Damian was furious. How dare the class do this to her?

 Alfred had gone to get Bruce and fill him in on the situation. Bruce came into the parlor as well, to see Damian comforting an upset Marinette. Bruce approached the young couple, “Of course you may stay here tonight Marinette. After all, my family sponsored your class’ trip. That makes you my responsibility until you return to Paris. Make yourself at home. Now, I think I will go call your parents and tell them you are staying here with me.”  Marinette felt at ease, knowing that things were being handled.

 Marinette was returned to Paris in the morning, but she never returned to Francois Dupont. Her parents pulled her out of that school immediately after they learned their daughter had been left behind. She was now enrolled in an arts school that Chloe and Adrien had transferred to before everything in Gotham had happened. She also spent a lot of time in Gotham when she was on a break from school. She had to visit her boyfriend obviously. While Damian wished she had transferred to Gotham, he was happy that Marinette was in a better school. Marinette was happier than she had been in a long time.

  Lila ended up being exposed a few months after the Gotham incident. Marinette never got the details of how it happened, she only found out because the class showed up to try and apologize to her. Marinette stopped them, “I accept your apology, but I can’t fully forgive you. You abandoned me in one of the most dangerous cities in the world. You didn’t care at all what happened to me. I had no where to stay that night and no way home. I could have been really hurt. I’m sorry but we can’t be friends anymore, I can’t be friends with people that would do that to me.” The class didn’t like it, but they accepted it. They knew what they did was unforgiveable.

 While Marinette had been beyond hurt by what the class had done, she wouldn’t have changed anything about the trip. She learned who her true friends were and who wasn’t. She had also met Damian, who she had grown much closer to over the months after the trip. She was the happiest she had ever been and was glad that everything had happened the way it did. She was living an amazing life, with friends and family that cared for her and a boyfriend who truly loved her.

Hope you guys liked it! @maribat-central-official

Institute (13th Doctor x Reader) Part 1

Summary: After a weird encounter on a victorian street the doctor is drawn to you a fellow time traveller AN: HI!! this is a 13 x fem! reader as I started this a while ago and it would’ve meant very heavy delays if I had altered it Word count: 1.6k Warnings: death mention 

(PART 2) (PART 3) (PART 4) (PART 5) (PART 6) (PART 7)  (PART 8) MASTERLIST

The doctor stepped out of the TARDIS, rubbing her hands together “C’mon gang, let’s get a shift on. Lots to see, lots to do.” She said taking the lead and walking ahead. The victorian streets were cobblestone, and covered in mud, “Doc, I thought the victorian era was supposed to be more, I don’t know? Glamorous.” Graham sighed

“Oi! This is real history, you can’t believe everything you see in movies. They’re more historically inaccurate than you’d think,” The doctor snapped jokingly

“Then why’s she wearing jeans?” Ryan asked, gesturing towards you. The entire group turned to look at you. 

“Another time traveller probably. I’m not the only one knocking about time and space. She’s definitely not a time agent because she would be dressed era appropriate, so I assume she’s just passing through,” She rambled. Whilst she talked about the intricacies of the time agency you approached them. 

“You do understand it is rude to talk about someone, and not include them, regardless, of how well you know someone, Doctor, Ryan, Graham, Yaz,” You interrupted

“Who are you? Sorry, time travel, you should know what it’s like, nothings ever in the right order. Especially with people,” A confused expression fixed on her face

“Oh, of course, that makes sense. It’s all coming together,” You said glaring at the vortex manipulator and sticking your hand out to her “My name’s (Y/N). (Y/N) (L/N).”

“That’s a lovely name. A really lovely name,” The doctor said smiling widely, Ryan and Yaz chuckling at her.

“You’ll see me again,” You said kissing her on the cheek “That’ll make more sense eventually, I promise,”

“Do you happen to know an archeologist by any chance?”

“I think I know the one you’re referring to. We happen to be friends I’ll have you know,” You blinked staring off into the distance for a second “Well, if you haven't met me yet, I should get going,” You said tapping the travel device and slamming your hand down against it. You vanished.

“Well that definitely was one of the more confusing interactions we’ve had,” Yaz frowned. Electricity fizzed and you reappeared behind them, “Sorry, sorry,” You said making them jump “Doctor, when you see me next, give me this, it’ll make sense to her, maybe. Anyway, onwards,”  You handed her a heavy ring as you spoke, ”I’ve always wanted to die on a foreign planet.” And before she could respond, you vanished into thin air once again.

“How- How did she do that?” Graham asked “And what did she mean? Die on a foriegn planet,”

“Vortex manipulator, nasty way to time travel, bad for the kidneys,” She frowned “as for the death bit, I don’t know,”

It’d been 3 months since the doctor had met you. She had tried to search for you and found nothing. She’d bored the fam to death rambling about time and the way it worked and who you could be and things she’d done to try to track you down. Nothing seemed to work, at one point they’d tried to stage an intervention which did not help as it merely gave her a platform to theorise. Until one day they arrived on Earth. 

“Right gang, this is an abandoned building, middle of London. 3 hours to get some stuff done before we set off again,” the doctor said as she pushed the door open. The building outside the doors was definitely not abandoned. It looked like an office, floor to ceiling windows and a beautiful view of London outwards, a desk opposite them. 

“Are you sure you’re right? This looks awfully officey for an abandoned building,” Ryan commented with a frown. The room was large, there were a variety of chairs placed around the room, along with a few futuristic looking lights

“No, it’s definitely Earth the gravity feels right,” The doctor answered, she licked her finger and lifted it into the air, “It’s earth, middle of London, Wednesday and it’s 11:02am,” She said a smug smile framing her face, wiping her finger on Yaz despite her protests. A door opened, you stepped out looking younger than the version in the victorian street, dressed in a suit, the opposite to how you were in the street.

“Hello, you’re the doctor, and I presume these are your companions? Assistants? Friends? Whatever you call them now,” You said extending a hand out to the timelord

“Yes, I am and yes they’re friends,” She said taking it “So you’re (Y/N) (L/N) then? What is this place?”

“Yes I am. It’s my office, I’ll explain on the tour, follow me, this way,” You said taking the lead and exiting the room

“We can’t tell her about what we saw, it runs the risk of collapsing reality or potentially ruining a fixed point, which is very, very bad, specifically 4 suitcase fulls and a bus journey full of bad,” The doctor explained in a hushed whisper to the other three

“But what if we could save her? Stop her from believing she’ll die on another planet?” Yaz asked empathetic as always

“Look, we can’t, I’ve tried that before and it ends up worse, we can’t do that. We can’t choose who lives and who dies,” She said glaring at all of them before snapping back to her usual sunny disposition and following you out of the room, the others trailing behind

“We always knew you would visit us at one point, it was inevitable given what we deal with,” You stated

“What is this place? Is this some kind of database an information hub? Why didn’t it show up on TARDIS scanners?” She asked, her list of questions increasing

“No, we’re an institute. Future tech, didn’t want you interfering. We help people, or we try to. London’s best kept secret, used internationally, U.N.I.T. doesn’t even know we exist. It didn’t show up on scanners because we planned for you and we knew that, of we wanted to do our jobs properly we couldn’t have interferences be it human or otherwise, especially not from you,” You replied 

“What exactly are you the institute of?” Graham interrupted

“Formally, rehabilitation of former time travelers and people who come into contact with aliens. Informally, cleaning up after the Doctor. We’re The Bad Wolf Institute, formerly known as The Trenzalore institute, but Captain Harkness insisted we change it, after an old friend of yours, I believe” 

The doctor froze in her tracks “Sorry? The Bad Wolf institute?”

“Yes, Jack was very insistent, pitched it to Me and she seemed to like the concept. The meeting of human and alien so to speak,” 

“Did you just refer to yourself in the third person and first person?” Yaz mumbled

“No, Lady Me founded the institute and is formally the director of it, however, when she is away with one of your former friends or running trap street, I become acting director,” You explained opening a door and ushering them inside “She did claim she was trying to protect the world from you. She kept her word Doctor.” Inside the room was sectioned off areas of ground and a locked cabinet. “Vortex manipulators,” You answered the moment the doctor opened her mouth to ask “Called in a favour from Jack and Torchwood, he owed us after the 456 issue, but we took care of it. Use them to jump planets and time, smooth over any damage you’ve done, better us than the time agents, you know what they’re like.”

“Isn’t that a violation of time having them in the 21st century considering they were invented in the 51st century?”

“Yes, however, we’re erased from future narratives, we’re ghosts in the future, barely echos of echos,” 

The doctor stopped suddenly, “How can I trust you? Hm? How do I know you aren’t lying? You could be a trap, a trick,” 

“I can pull out a file on any former companion and read it to you.  Amy, Rory, Jack, Martha, Clara, Rose, Harry, Donna, Jamie, pick a name and we’ll find it,” Your tone was neutral, but your face wasn’t harsh. 

“Too general, anyone from U.N.I.T can do that, I need something more specific,”

“I was the rep assigned to Amelia and Rory Williams, the Ponds. Visited her, 1946, New York, made some connections for her. Hooked up with an adoption agency, her and Rory adopted a son. She also repeatedly referred to you as raggedy man, and told me you used to eat fishfingers and custard which is something we didn’t have on file. We didn’t add it, you’re allowed some secrets, old man, no matter how vile it sounds,” A smile gracing for face at the last words

“Sorry? You used to be a man?” Graham asked. You chuckled at that, the formal facade finally slipping.

“Yes? That’s what you take away from that Graham? I believe you, no one other than her calls me that.” The doctor nodded at you, pulling the weighted silver ring from one of her many coat pockets “Oh before I forget, someone told me to give you this. They said it was important.”

You examined the ring for a second, a small chuckle escaped you “This was my mother’s, it went missing not long after she died. Never found it, searched the whole house, nothing,” You explained, slipping it on to your finger. “Thank you, I presume it was me then. My future must be in safe hands.”

“How did you- How did you work that out?” Ryan asked 

“Time travel, it’s weird,”

“Want to come with us?” The doctor said unexpectedly

“Not especially. I have an institute to look after while Me runs Trap street, ask me again one day and I might just say yes,” You sighed a small wink directed towards her at the end of your sentence “Leave the TARDIS here as long as you’d like, no harm will come to it here.”

And that’s where it began.

Things are Different in the Light of Day

Beca is stunned to find out something about Chloe and doesn't know what to do with the information. She avoids Chloe but Chloe confronts her and storms out when Beca tells her to back off. What happens when Beca goes looking for Chloe? Will she finally spill her guts to Chloe? Set during PP2 but modified a tiny bit.

John Smith and Gail Abernathy-McKadden-Feinberg, members of the Collegiate Acapella Commission, had just informed the Barden Bellas that they were suspended from competing in this year's acapella competitions due to Fat Amy's "Muffgate" incident.

"It says we can't hold auditions, or do the Victory Tour," Chloe Beale said as she read the documents given to them regarding their suspension. "Who's going to sing at the Puppy Bowl?"

Beca put a comforting hand on Chloe's arm and looked at the Dean, John, and Gail.

"The most recent winners of the World Acapella Championships," Gail said. "They call themselves DSM."

"Wait!" Chloe said. "It doesn't say anything about stripping us of our title, which does not preclude us from competing in the World Acapella Championships."

The Acapella Committee Reps laughed in their faces and said the U.S. has never won the World title.

"What if the Bellas win it?" Beca asked. "Will we be reinstated then?"

"If you win, little missy," John said. "I will personally see to it that the Bellas are reinstated. But, don't get your hopes up, because you'll never win Worlds."

"Come on girls," Chloe said, ushering the Bellas out of the Dean's office. "We have a lot of work to do."

The Bellas all filed out behind Chloe; Beca stopped them and told Chloe, "I have to go to the radio station. I'll meet you back at the house."

"Don't be too long," Chloe said. "We need to start strategizing."

"I won't," Beca said and hurried in the opposite direction.

Chloe turned and the girls followed her back to the Bellas House.

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

"What are we going to do?" Stacie asked as they entered the house and gathered in the living room.

"We'll figure it out as we go," Chloe said. "First, we have to fill out the entry form for the Worlds. Second, we'll have to make sure our passports are all up to date. And, third, we'll need to make our reservations. After that, it will be up to Beca to put together a setlist so we can start working on choreography and vocals."

Chloe started pacing back and forth, anxiously biting her lip. She stopped and looked at the other Bellas.

"Did I forget anything?"

"It sounds like you hit on everything," Stacie said. "Let's look up the registration and get that out of the way."

"Sounds like a plan," Chloe said. "My laptop is in the kitchen."

Stacie followed Chloe and sat next to her as she registered the Bellas for the World Acapella Championships.

"Okay, done," Chloe said. "Find and update your passport, Stacie, because we're going to Copenhagen."

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

It was late when Beca returned from the radio station.

"Chloe's going to kill me," Beca muttered as she entered the Bellas House.

"You're safe until the morning," Stacie's voice said from the living room.

"Oh, hey, Stace," Beca said. "I didn't know anyone was still up."

"I'm studying," Stacie said. "Everyone else went to bed. And Chloe was exhausted so she was the first to call it a night."

"I'm sure she's probably mad at me because I got back so late," Beca sighed. She sat down across from Stacie and looked at her. "Um, Stacie, can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure, Beca," Stacie said, setting her book aside to face Beca. "What's up?"

"I really like Chloe," Beca said. "As in like, like her."

"I know," Stacie said, smiling.

"You do?" Beca asked. "How do you know that? It's taken me months to figure it out."

"It's the way you two look at each other," Stacie said. "You look at her like she's the only person in the room. And she looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars."

"She looks at me like that?" Beca asked. "I've never seen it."

"Just because you haven't caught her looking at you, doesn't mean she isn't," Stacie said.

"I want to tell her how I feel about her," Beca said. "And, I want to hear her say she feels the same way."

"I think that's great, Beca," Stacie said. "I'm glad you're going to tell her. I can guarantee you that Chloe likes you, too."

"What?! How in the world can you guarantee something like that?"

"Because she told me. Besides, you and Brey are the reason Chloe and I stopped hooking up," Stacie said, nonchalantly. "Chloe likes you, and I like Aubrey. It didn't seem right to keep doing it."

"You and Chloe hooked up?" Beca mumbled, shaking her head. "Did not see that coming."

"It only happened twice and was just a Friends with Benefits type thing," Stacie said, shrugging her shoulders. "That's all. It was no big deal."

"So, you don't have any romantic feelings for her?" Beca asked.

"No," Stacie said. "I just told you I like Aubrey."

"Riiiiight," Beca said, sounding unconvinced. "I'm going to head up to bed. Goodnight, Stacie."

"Goodnight, Beca," Stacie said, as she opened her textbook to continue studying.

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

Beca made her way slowly up the stairs, stopping outside Chloe's room. She debated on whether to let Chloe know she was home and decided against it.

"Stacie and Chloe?" Beca thought. "Even on my best day, I can't compete with Stacie. This changes everything."

Beca hung her head and slowly continued making her way to her room.

After a restless night thinking about Chloe and Stacie, Beca woke early and decided to get dressed and leave the Bellas house before anyone else was up. She showered and dressed and was quietly making her way downstairs when she heard Chloe's door open behind her. She hesitated and looked up to see a giggling Stacie and Chloe coming out of Chloe's room. She sprinted down the last few steps and out the door with the sound of Chloe calling after her.

Beca didn't stop; she kept going and hurried to her car. She jumped in and drove off before Chloe could catch up to her. She looked in her rearview mirror to see Chloe standing on the front sidewalk watching as Beca's car drove away.

"Dammit," Chloe muttered, stomping her foot.

She ran a hand through her hair and went back inside the house.

A couple of hours later, Stacie was looking for Beca. She saw Chloe and asked, "Hey, Chloe, where's Beca?"

"I don't know," Chloe said. "I haven't seen her since she left this morning. Or rather since she ran away from me. I was going to ask her to breakfast because I wanted to talk to her about something."

"Maybe you can ask her to dinner at rehearsal," Stacie suggested.

"That's if she comes to rehearsal," Chloe mumbled. "You know how she is when she gets into one of her moods."

"Why don't you call her to find out where she went?" Stacie asked.

"She's obviously ignoring me for some reason," Chloe said. "I'm not entirely sure she would answer my call."

"Do you want me to call her for you?" Stacie asked.

"Would you? Maybe she'll actually answer for you."

"Sure," Stacie said, pulling out her phone and placing the call. "Huh, she's not answering. I’ll send her a text and ask if she's coming to rehearsal."

Stacie sent the text and told Chloe not to worry because Beca is always good about answering texts.

"I just wish I knew what I did for her to run away and avoid me," Chloe said sadly, wiping a tear from her eye.

Stacie reached over and pulled Chloe to her in a hug.

"Calm down, Chloe," Stacie said quietly as she rubbed her hand up and down Chloe's back. "I'm sure Beca will come to talk to you when she's ready."

Unbeknownst to Stacie and Chloe, Beca chose that moment to walk in. Seeing Stacie holding Chloe, and whispering to each other, Beca turned and immediately walked back out again.

"So much for there being nothing between them," Beca mumbled, as she stood on the porch, wiping a tear from her eye.

Beca pulled her phone from her pocket as she turned to walk down the porch steps. She was surprised to see a text from Stacie asking about rehearsal. She wanted to say she wouldn't be at rehearsal but knew everyone would be after her if she didn't show up.

I'll see you at rehearsal Beca texted back. She quickly made her way down the steps and into her car.

Stacie's phone pinged and she checked it.

"It's from Beca," Stacie told Chloe. "She said she'd see us at rehearsal."

"That's good," Chloe said. "She can't avoid me if I'm standing right in front of her."

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

Beca waited until all the Bellas had entered before making her way into the Auditorium. She saw Stacie sitting next to Chloe and hurried to the front where she dropped her bag on the floor before taking the vacant seat between Jessica and Cynthia Rose.

Chloe watched Beca and frowned when she didn't sit next to her. Beca crossed her arms over her chest and stared down at the ground.

"So, um, Beca," Chloe said. "Do you have anything you want to say before I start?"

"No, I'm good," Beca said quickly without looking at Chloe.

"Okay, so, um," Chloe stuttered as she looked at Beca. "I've registered us for Worlds, so everyone needs to make sure their passports are up to date as soon as possible. I'll check airfares and lodging and make all our reservations this week. Then we'll be set until we get closer to the Worlds."

The girls all clapped and squealed with excitement. Beca just sat there staring at the ground.

"Becs?" Chloe called out, causing Beca to finally look at her. "We'll need to discuss the set so we can get started on choreography."

"No problem," Beca said, shifting in her seat.

"Okay, let's call it for now," Chloe said, looking around at everyone.

"Aw, yeah," Fat Amy yelled. "Let's go out tonight and celebrate."

"You mean, let's go out and get drunk tonight," Jessica said.

"That goes without saying," Ashley said.

The other Bellas shouted in agreement as they gathered their stuff to leave. Fat Amy shoved Jessica, who fell into Emily, causing both to fall to the floor. They laughed and stood up to follow the girls out of the Auditorium.

"Hold up for a second," Chloe called out, stopping them. "For now, be careful and try not to kill yourselves, or each other, okay? And, I'll let you know when our next rehearsal will be scheduled."

"You got it, Captain," Fat Amy said, saluting Chloe.

Beca took the opportunity to leave while everyone was distracted. Chloe watched the girls leave but didn't see Beca.

"Hey, Stacie," Chloe called out, racing to catch up with her. "Did you see where Beca went?"

"No, Chloe," Stacie said. "I didn't even see her leave. But, don't worry, I'm sure you'll catch her at the house."

"I'm sure you're right," Chloe said.

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

Beca had been in the house for about ten minutes and was sitting at her desk in her room. She heard the Bellas returning, excited about going out that night. Beca put her headphones on and stared at her computer screen so she looked like she was working.

"Are you going to get ready?" Fat Amy asked when she saw Beca just sitting and staring at her computer.

"I'm not going," Beca said. "I really need to start working on the set for Worlds."

"We have months to worry about that," Fat Amy said. "Come on, we all need to unwind a bit."

"Maybe next time," Beca said, randomly moving her mouse and clicking the screen, hoping Amy would take the hint and leave her alone.

Fat Amy shrugged her shoulders and got changed to go out with the Bellas. Beca continued to act as if she was working on their set.

When Fat Amy finally left to join the other girls, Beca breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Where's Beca?" Chloe asked when she saw Fat Amy coming down the stairs alone.

"She's not coming," Fat Amy said.

"What?" Stacie asked.

"Why?" Chloe asked.

"She said she needed to start working on the set for Worlds," Fat Amy said.

"You girls go ahead," Chloe said as she started up the stairs. "I'll let you know if I'm going to join you or not after I've had a chat with Beca."

"Go easy on her, Chloe," Stacie said with a laugh. "We need her to do the set before you kill her, okay?"

"I don't have any plans to kill her," Chloe said, stopping midway and looking down at Stacie. "At least not yet anyway."

"Come on girls," Stacie said. "Let's go."

Stacie and Fat Amy led the girls out the door and Chloe thought for a moment and went into the living room and sat down. She crossed her arms over her chest and waited.

The door slammed closed as the last Bella made it out the door. Chloe smiled when she heard Beca coming down from her attic bedroom. She patiently waited until Beca walked toward the kitchen.

"How's the set for Worlds coming along, Beca?"

Beca squealed, jumped, and grabbed at her chest. "Jesus, you scared the shit out of me!"

"It's just you and me now," Chloe said, standing and walking over to Beca. Beca took the opportunity to check Chloe out as she walked toward her. Chloe looked hot, but then again Chloe did know how to dress to impress.

"We need to talk."

"That's never good," Beca said, pushing past Chloe to continue into the kitchen.

Chloe grabbed Beca's arm and pulled her back. "Just tell me why you've started avoiding me and the conversation will be over."

"I'm not avoiding you," Beca said, jerking her arm out of Chloe's grasp.

"Okay, then," Chloe said. "Tell me why you're suddenly going out of your way to make sure you don't occupy the same general area or space I do?"

"No matter how you dress it up," Beca said. "I'm not avoiding you."

"Then why does it feel like you are?" Chloe asked, frowning.

"I'm not," Beca whispered.

"Will you talk to me?" Chloe asked. "Or at least tell me what's going on with you? Did I do something? Did something happen to you? Please, tell me."

"There's nothing to tell," Beca snapped. "Could you cool it with the inquisition? I've got work to do."

Chloe's face fell; Beca's words stung. Chloe turned and stomped toward the door, grabbing her things. She turned to look at Beca.

"Fine!" Chloe said. "I'm sorry to be such a bother to you."

Chloe opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind her. Beca stood there, speechless. She ran a hand through her hair and slid down the wall so she was sitting on the floor.

"Way to go, Mitchell," she mumbled.

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

Chloe walked into the bar and found the Bellas.

"Chloe!" Stacie called out. "Where's little Miss Grumpy?"

"Don't know," Chloe said. "And don't really care."

"What happened?" CR asked.

"Just Beca being Beca," Chloe said. "And not giving two shits about how her words can cut right through someone."

Chloe wiped a tear before it could fall. Stacie pulled Chloe into a hug and Chloe sniffled against Stacie's shirt.

"Why do I let her get to me so much?" Chloe cried.

"Because you have feelings for her," CR said. "The ones we love always hurt us more than someone we don't care so much about."

"Here, Chloe," Fat Amy said, handing Chloe a shot. "I think you need to get drunk so you can forget about Beca for a while."

"Thanks, Amy," Chloe said, taking the drink and downing it. "Keep 'em coming. I want you girls to have to carry me out of here."

"YES!" Fat Amy cheered.

The other Bellas cheered and toasted each other with a shot. Chloe downed her shot and slammed the glass down on the table. Chloe kept downing shots and it wasn't long before she was really feeling them. She sat at the table with her head on her arms.

"Chloe?" Stacie said, causing Chloe to slowly lift her head and look at her.

Stacie nodded her head in the direction behind the Bellas; Chloe turned to see Beca standing there. Chloe sighed and looked at Beca. Beca moved closer to the table.

"I thought you were too busy to come out with us," Chloe said, downing another shot.

"I came to apologize. . . to you," Beca said. "Can you come outside with me so we can talk?"

Chloe looked around at the Bellas and saw Stacie nod her head. "Go ahead, Chloe."

"Fine," Chloe said. "This had better be one hell of an apology."

Beca turned around and walked toward the door without saying anything. Chloe stumbled after her, barely managing to stay on her feet. She stopped and stared at Beca once they were outside.

"I'm sorry I was such a dick to you," Beca said. "I, uh, I found out something about you and it messed with my head. I didn't know how to process it."

"What did you find out about me?" Chloe asked, slurring her words.

Beca took a moment to really look at Chloe. She frowned when she realized Chloe was swaying a bit.

"You're drunk?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it matters," Beca said. "Let me take you home and then we can talk, okay? I want you sober when I tell you what I have to tell you."

"I'll have to let the girls know I'm leaving," Chloe said as she turned to make her way back into the bar.

Chloe stumbled and Beca grabbed her before she fell.

"I'll tell them," Beca said, guiding Chloe to a bench where she could sit down. "Stay here and I'll be right back."

"M'kay," Chloe said.

Beca went inside and found Stacie.

"I'm taking Chloe home," Beca told her. "She's drunk. I know it's my fault she's like this, so I'll take care of her."

"Okay," Stacie said. She picked up Chloe's purse and phone and handed them to Beca. "I'll text you when we're on the way back to the house."

"Okay," Beca said. "Be careful."

With that, Beca turned and went back to Chloe. She sat next to the redhead and called for an Uber.

"Our ride should be here in about three minutes," Beca told Chloe.

"Okay," Chloe said, snuggling against Beca's side.

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

The ride back to the Bellas house was quiet; Chloe continued to snuggle Beca. Beca tried to keep Chloe from falling asleep.

"Come on, Chloe," Beca said, shaking her best friend. "We're home."

Chloe mumbled something and Beca got out of the car. She helped Chloe out of the car and managed to get her into the house. She didn't think she could get Chloe to her room so she laid her on the sofa in the living room.

"I'm going to get you some water, okay?" Beca said and turned to leave.

"Don't go," Chloe said, as she grabbed Beca's arm.

"I'll only be gone for a minute," Beca said. "I promise."

Beca went to the kitchen and came back with two bottles of water.

"Here," Beca said, handing one of the waters to Chloe.

Chloe drank down about half the bottle before handing it back to Beca.

"Thanks," Chloe said, clearing her throat. "I recall you saying something about an apology."

"I did," Beca said, as she sat on the edge of the sofa next to Chloe. "I'm sorry I was such a dick to you earlier. I found out something about, um, about you that really surprised me. I didn't know how to process it and I lashed out at you. I'm really sorry."

"What did you find out about me?" Chloe asked.

"It doesn't matter," Beca said. "It's really none of my business. It all happened before I knew how I felt about you."

Chloe furrowed her brow. "And how do you feel about me?"

"I like you," Beca said. "As more than a friend. And I wanted to tell you but I got scared when I found out that you and-. Um, you."

"I what?" Chloe asked. "And don't say it doesn't matter, because obviously, it matters to you."

"I, uh, found out that you and, uh, Stacie hooked up a couple of times when you were drunk," Beca said.

"Oh," Chloe breathed out. "And that bothers you?"

"Yes. No," Beca said. "Yes. I mean, you've seen Stacie. I can't compete with that."

"Then don't," Chloe said. "It didn't mean anything."

"Stacie said it was a Friends with Benefits type of arrangement," Beca said, looking down at her hands.

Chloe nodded and said, "It was. And it only happened a couple of times. We both liked someone else and it didn't feel right to keep doing it, so we stopped."

Beca looked up at Chloe. "So, I know Stacie wanted Aubrey; who did you want to be with?"

Chloe decided to take the bull by the horns and pulled Beca to her and kissed her. She pulled back after a moment.

"Does that answer your question?"

"Are you going to remember this in the morning?" Beca asked.

"Can you help me upstairs to my room?" Chloe asked. "And stay with me so we can cuddle? Then we'll see how things go in the morning."

Beca smiled and did as Chloe requested.

~~ Things Are Different in the Light of Day ~~

Beca woke the next morning when she heard someone knocking on Chloe's door. She looked around and quietly got out of bed to answer the door.

"Shhh," Beca said as soon as Stacie opened her mouth to speak. "Chloe's still asleep."

"Is she okay?" Stacie asked as Beca stepped outside the room. "Oh, did you two finally get together?"

"She's fine," Beca said. "She was still pretty drunk when we talked. I did tell her I liked her, but I wasn't sure she'd remember it this morning. So, I put her to bed and we said we'd talk more this morning."

"So, do you think she'll remember what was said last night?" Stacie asked.

"I hope so," Beca replied.

"Becs?" Chloe's voice called out.

"I'd better get back to her," Beca said and left Stacie standing in the hallway.

"I thought you went back to your room," Chloe said.

"I said I'd stay," Beca told her.

Chloe patted the bed beside her and Beca laid down. Chloe snuggled into her.

"Please tell me I didn't dream last night," Chloe said.

"What do you remember?" Beca asked.

"I remember me telling you that I liked you," Chloe replied. "And you told me you liked me, too."

"That wasn't a dream," Beca said. "It really happened. So, are things different in the light of day?"

"Yes," Chloe said, causing Beca to stiffen and look at her.

"How so?" Beca asked softly.

"Well, last night I said I liked you," Chloe said. "But what I should have said was that I love you."

Beca's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes, I really do love you," Chloe said, turning on her side to face Beca.

Beca did the same and was now facing Chloe.

"I love you, too," Beca said smiling.

Chloe smiled back and leaned in to kiss Beca. Beca met her halfway and pulled Chloe closer to her. The kiss broke naturally and they smiled at each other.

"Can I take you out to breakfast?" Beca asked.

"Can we make it lunch, instead?" Chloe countered. "I just want to stay here like this for a while."

"I'm good with that," Beca said and snuggled closer to Chloe.

“Not a shot. Not a single chance. Not a snowball’s chance in hell.”

Taylor Swift — who, at 30, has reached a Zen state of cheerful realism — laughs as she leans into a pillow she’s placed over her crossed legs inside her suite at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, leaning further still into her infinitesimal odds of winning a Golden Globe, which will zero out when she heads down to the televised ball in a few hours.

Never mind whether or not the tune she co-wrote, “Beautiful Ghosts,” might actually have been worthy of a trophy for best original song (or shortlisted for an Oscar, which it was not). Since the Globe nominations were revealed, voters could hardly have been immune to how quickly the film it’s a part of, “Cats,” in which she also co-stars, became a whipping boy for jokes about costly Hollywood miscalculations and creative disasters. Not that you’ll hear Swift utter a discouraging word about it all. “I’m happy to be here, happy to be nominated, and I had a really great time working on that weird-ass movie,” she declares. “I’m not gonna retroactively decide that it wasn’t the best experience. I never would have met Andrew Lloyd Webber or gotten to see how he works, and now he’s my buddy. I got to work with the sickest dancers and performers. No complaints.”

If this leads you to believe that the pop superstar is in the business of sugarcoating things, consider her other new movie — a vastly more significant documentary that presents Swift not just sans digital fur but without a whole lot of the varnish of the celebrity-industrial complex. The Netflix-produced “Taylor Swift: Miss Americana” has a prestige slot as the Jan. 23 opening night gala premiere of the Sundance Film Festival before it reaches the world as a day-and-date theatrical release and potential streaming monster on Jan. 31.

The doc spends much of its opening act juxtaposing the joys of creation with the aggravations of global stardom — the grist of many a pop doc, if rendered in especially intimate detail — before taking a more provocative turn in its last reel to focus more tightly on how and why Swift became a political animal. It’s the story of an earnest young woman with a self-described “good girl” fixation working through her last remaining fears of being shamed as she comes to embrace her claws, and her causes.

Given that the film portrays how gradually, and sometimes reluctantly, Swift came to place herself into service as a social commentator, “Miss Americana” is a portrait of the birth of an activist. Director Lana Wilson sets the movie up so that it pivots on a couple of big letdowns for its subject. The first comes early in the film, and early in the morning, when Swift’s publicist calls to update her on how many of the top three Grammy categories her 2017 album “Reputation” is nominated for: zilch. She’s clearly bummed about the record’s brushoff by the awards’ nominating committee, as just about anyone who’d previously won album of the year twice would be, and determinedly tells her rep that she’s just going to make a better record.

But she suffers what feels like a more meaningful blow toward the end of the film. In the fall of 2018, Swift finally comes out of the closet politically to intervene on behalf of Democrats in a midterm election in her home state of Tennessee. As the Washington Post put it, this announcement “fell like a hammer across the Trump-worshipping subforums of the far-right Internet, where people had convinced themselves… that the world-famous pop star was a secret MAGA fan.” Donald Trump goes on camera to smirk that he now likes Swift’s music a little less. The singer is successful in enlisting tens of thousands of young people to register to vote, but her senatorial candidate of choice, Democrat Phil Bredesen, loses to Republican Marsha Blackburn, whom she’d called out as a flagrant enemy of feminism and gay rights.

“Definitely, that was a bigger disappointment for me,” Swift says, pitting the midterm snub against the Grammy snub. “I think what’s going on out in the world is bigger than who gets a prize at the party.”

It was not always thus for Swift — as the detractors who dragged her for staying quiet during the last presidential election eagerly pointed out. If you had to pick the most embarrassing or regrettable moment in “Miss Americana,” it might be the TV clip from “The Late Show With David Letterman” in which the host brings up politics and gets Swift to essentially advocate the “Shut up and sing” mantra. As the studio audience roars approval of her vow to stay apolitical, Letterman gives her what now looks like history’s most dated fist bump.

Thinking back on it, Swift is incredulous. “Every time I didn’t speak up about politics as a young person, I was applauded for it,” she says. “It was wild. I said, ‘I’m a 22-year-old girl — people don’t want to hear what I have to say about politics.’ And people would just be like, ‘Yeahhhhh!’”

At that point, Swift was already starting to record isolated pop tracks, taking baby steps that would soon turn into full strides away from her initial genre. But whether she had designs on switching lanes or not, the lesson of the Dixie Chicks’ forced exile after Natalie Maines’ comment against then-President George W. Bush had branded itself onto her brain at an earlier age, when she’d just planted her young-teen flag in Nashville and overheard a lot of the lamentations of older Music Row songwriters about how the Chicks had thrown it all away.

“I saw how one comment ended such a powerful reign, and it terrified me,” says Swift. “These days, with social media, people can be so mad about something one day and then forget what they were mad about a couple weeks later. That’s fake outrage. But what happened to the Dixie Chicks was real outrage. I registered it — that you’re always one comment away from being done being able to make music.”

Maybe the most transfixing scene in “Miss Americana” is one where Swift argues with her father and other members of her team about the statement she’s about to release coming out against Blackburn and — it’s clear from her references to White House opposition to the Equality Act — Donald Trump too. The comments were so spontaneous that Wilson wasn’t there to film the moment, but the director had asked people to turn on the camera if anything interesting transpired, and here it most certainly did.

“For 12 years, we’ve not got involved in politics or religion,” an unnamed associate says to Swift, suggesting that going down the road of standing against a president as well as Republican gubernatorial and Senate candidates could have the effect of halving her audience on tour. Her father chimes in: “I’ve read the entire [statement] and … right now, I’m terrified. I’m the guy that went out and bought armored cars.”

“I needed to get to a point where I was ready, able and willing to call out bullshit rather than just smiling my way through it.” TAYLOR SWIFT

But Swift is adamant about pressing the button to send a nearly internet-breaking Instagram post, saying that Blackburn has voted against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act as well as LGBTQ-friendly bills: “I can’t see another commercial [with] her disguising these policies behind the words ‘Tennessee Christian values.’ I live in Tennessee. I am Christian. That’s not what we stand for.” Pushing back tears, she laments not having come out against Trump two years earlier, “but I can’t change that. … I need to be on the right side of history. … Dad, I need you to forgive me for doing it, because I’m doing it.”

Says Swift now, “This was a situation where, from a humanity perspective, and from what my moral compass was telling me I needed to do, I knew I was right, and I really didn’t care about repercussions.” She understands why she faced such heated opposition in the room: “My dad is terrified of threats against my safety and my life, and he has to see how many stalkers we deal with on a daily basis, and know that this is his kid. It’s where he comes from.”

Swift was recently announced as the recipient of a Vanguard Award from GLAAD, and she name-checked the org in her basher-bashing single “You Need to Calm Down,” which was released as one of the teaser tracks for last fall’s more outwardly directed and socially conscious “Lover” album. Part of her politicization, she says, is feeling it would be hypocritical to hang out with her gay friends while leaving them to their own devices politically. In the film, she says, “I think it is so frilly and spineless of me to stand onstage and go ‘Happy Pride Month, you guys,’ and then not say this, when someone’s literally coming for their neck.”

A year and a half later, she elaborates: “To celebrate but not advocate felt wrong for me. Using my voice to try to advocate was the only choice to make. Because I’ve talked about equality and sung about it in songs like ‘Welcome to New York,’ but we are at a point where human rights are being violated. When you’re saying that certain people can be kicked out of a restaurant because of who they love or how they identify, and these are actual policies that certain politicians vocally stand behind, and they disguise them as family values, that is sinister. So, so dark.”

Her increasing alignment with the LGBTQ community wasn’t the only thing raising her consciousness to a breaking — i.e., speaking — point. So did the sexual assault trial in which judgment was rendered that she had been groped by a DJ in a backstage photo op (for financial restitution, Swift had asked for $1).

Her experience with the trial was crucial, she says, in finding herself “needing to speak up about beliefs I’d always had, because it felt like an opportunity to shed light on what those trials are like. I experienced it as a person with extreme privilege, so I can only imagine what it’s like when you don’t have that. And I think one theme that ended up emerging in the film is what happens when you are not just a people pleaser but someone who’s always been respectful of authority figures, doing what you were supposed to do, being polite at all costs. I still think it’s important to be polite, but not at all costs,” she says. “Not when you’re being pushed beyond your limits, and not when people are walking all over you. I needed to get to a point where I was ready, able and willing to call out bulls— rather than just smiling my way through it.”

That came into play when Kanye West stepped into her life and publicly shamed her a second time. In the video Kim Kardashian released in 2016, you can hear the people-pleasing Swift on the other end of the line sheepishly thanking him for letting her know about the “Me and Taylor might still have sex” line he plans to include about her in a song — only to regret it later when the eventual track also includes the claim “Why? I made that bitch famous.” The boast, of course, referred back to the moment when he interrupted her and stole her spotlight at the MTV VMAs six years earlier as she was in the middle of an acceptance speech. West’s is not a name that ever publicly escapes Swift’s lips, so it might be surprising to fans that these events are recapped in “Miss Americana,” although Swift says the filmic decisions were all up to the director, who explains that Swift’s reaction to the episode was important to include.

“With the 2009 VMAs, it surprised me that when she talked about how the whole crowd was booing, she thought that they were booing her, and how devastating that was,” says Wilson. “That was something I hadn’t thought about or heard before, and made it much more relatable and understandable to anyone.”

“I see the movie as looking at the flip side of being America’s sweetheart.” LANA WILSON, DIRECTOR OF “TAYLOR SWIFT: MISS AMERICANA”

Swift acknowledges how formative both incidents have been in her life, for ill and good. “As a teenager who had only been in country music, attending my very first pop awards show,” she says now, “somebody stood up and sent me the message: ‘You are not respected here. You shouldn’t be here on this stage.’ That message was received, and it burrowed into my psyche more than anyone knew. … That can push you one of two ways: I could have just curled up and decided I’m never going to one of those events ever again, or it could make me work harder than anyone expects me to, and try things no one expected, and crave that respect — and hopefully one day get it.

“But then when that person who sparked all of those feelings comes back into your life, as he did in 2015, and I felt like I finally got that respect (from West), but then soon realized that for him it was about him creating some revisionist history where he was right all along, and it was correct, right and decent for him to get up and do that to a teenage girl…” She sighs. “I understand why Lana put it in.”

Adds the woman who started her recent “Lover” album with a West-allusive romp that’s pointedly called “I Forgot That You Existed”: “I don’t think too hard about this stuff now.”

What’s not in the film is any mention of her other most famous nemeses — Scooter Braun and Scott Borchetta of Big Machine Records, with whom she’s scrapped publicly for several months. “The Big Machine stuff happened pretty late in our process,” says Wilson. “We weren’t that far from picture lock. But there’s also not much to say that isn’t publicly known. I feel like Taylor’s put the story out there in her own words already, and it’s been widely covered. I was interested in telling the story that hadn’t been told before, that would be surprising and emotionally powerful to audiences whether they were music industry people or not.”

Still, the way Swift has been willing to stand up politically for others parallels the manner in which she stood up for herself in regard to Braun, et al., at the recent Billboard Women in Music Awards, where she gave an altogether blistering speech, naming names and taking no prisoners, going after the men who now control her six-album Big Machine back catalog. Certainly Swift was aware that, along with supporters, there were many friends and business associates of Braun among the VIPs in the Hollywood Palladium who would not be pleased with what this very reformed people-pleaser had to say.

One thing everyone who was in the room agrees on is that you could hear a pin drop as Swift used the speech to get even bolder about the meat of these disputes. Some would say it’s because they were riveted by her boldness in speaking truth to power, others because they just felt uncomfortable. Says one fellow honoree who works in a high position in the industry (and who’s worked with some high-profile Braun clients): “People were excited for her at the beginning of the speech. But once she started going in a negative direction at an event that is supposed to be celebrating accomplishments and rah-rah for women, I felt it fell flat with a good portion of the room, because it wasn’t the appropriate place to be saying it.”

Wasn’t it intimidating for Swift, knowing she might be polarizing an auditorium full of the most powerful people in the business? “Well, I do sleep well at night knowing that I’m right,” she responds, “and knowing that in 10 years it will have been a good thing that I spoke about artists’ rights to their art, and that we bring up conversations like: Should record deals maybe be for a shorter term, or how are we really helping artists if we’re not giving them the first right of refusal to purchase their work if they want to?”

“Obviously, anytime you’re standing up against or for anything, you’re never going to receive unanimous praise. But that’s what forces you to be brave. And that’s what’s different about the way I live my life now.” (Braun’s camp did not respond to a request for comment.)

One thing Taylor Swift can’t bend to her determined will is her family’s health. She revealed a few years ago that her mother, Andrea, a beloved figure among the thousands of fans who’ve met her at road shows, is battling breast cancer. Swift addressed the uncertainty of that struggle in an anguished song on her latest album, “Soon You’ll Get Better.” Many who view “Miss Americana” will look for signs of how her mom is doing. The subject comes up in a section of the film that includes a relatively light-hearted scene in in which it’s shown that one of Andrea Swift’s ways of saying “eff you” to cancer recently was to break the mold and bring a canine — her “cancer dog” — into a famously feline-friendly family.

The real answer may come in Swift’s touring activity for “Lover.” Whereas typically she’d spend nine months in the year after an album release on the road, she plans to limit herself to four stadium dates in America this summer and a trip around the festival circuit in Europe. This may not be 100% for personal reasons: “I wanted to be able to perform in places that I hadn’t performed in as much, and to do things I hadn’t done before, like Glastonbury,” she says. “I feel like I haven’t done festivals, really, since early in my career — they’re fun and bring people together in a really cool way. But I also wanted to be able to work as much as I can handle right now, with everything that’s going on at home. And I wanted to figure out a way that I could do both those things.”

Is being able to be there for her mother the main concern? “Yeah, that’s it. That’s the reason,” she says. “I mean, we don’t know what is going to happen. We don’t know what treatment we’re going to choose. It just was the decision to make at the time, for right now, for what’s going on.”

In her case, it’s as if her manager had taken seriously ill as well as the person she’s always been closest to, all at once. “Everyone loves their mom; everyone’s got an important mom,” she allows. “But for me, she’s really the guiding force. Almost every decision I make, I talk to her about it first. So obviously it was a really big deal to ever speak about her illness.” During filming, when Andrea’s breast cancer had returned for a second time, “she was going through chemo, and that’s a hard enough thing for a person to go through.” Then it got harder. Speaking about this latest development publicly for the first time, Swift quietly reveals: “While she was going through treatment, they found a brain tumor. And the symptoms of what a person goes through when they have a brain tumor is nothing like what we’ve ever been through with her cancer before. So it’s just been a really hard time for us as a family.”

Compared with that, nearly any other topic the movie might address would pale. But it finds weightiness in addressing other kinds of unhealthiness, like the physical expectations that are placed on women in general and celebrity women specifically, Swift being no exception. In this department, she has her own heroines. “I love people like Jameela Jamil, because he way she speaks about body image, it’s almost like she speaks in a hook. Women are held to such a ridiculous standard of beauty, and we’re seeing so much on social media that makes us feel like we are less than, or we’re not what we should be, that you kind of need a mantra to repeat in your head when you start to have unhealthy thoughts. I swear the way Jameela speaks is like lyrics — it gets stuck in my head and it calms me down.”

Swift’s collaborator in this messaging, Wilson, was on a list of potential directors Netflix gave her when she expressed interest in possibly doing a documentary to follow the concert special that premiered on the service just over a year ago. You could discern a feminist message, if you chose to, in the fact that Swift chose a director most well known for a documentary about abortion providers, “After Tiller.” Swift says she was most impressed, though, that Wilson’s docs look for nuance and subtlety in addressing subjects that do lend themselves to soapboxes, and their first conversation was about their mutual desire to avoid “propaganda” in any form.

If there’s a feminist agenda in “Miss Americana,” Wilson and Swift wanted it to emerge naturally, although the director admits it was pretty blatant from the outset, given that she set up the film (which is co-produced by Morgan Neville, the director’s “sounding board”) with an all-female crew. Or nearly all-female, says Wilson, laughing, “I will say that we did always have male production assistants, because I like trying to show people that men can fetch coffee for women.”

Adds Wilson, “When I started filming, it was before she’d come out politically. She knew that she was coming out of a very dark period, and wanted collaborate on something that captured what she was going through and that was really raw and honest and emotionally intimate.” The political awakening, the director says, “was a profound decision for her to make. In that, I saw this feminist coming of age story that I personally connected with, and that I really think women and girls around the world will see themselves in.”

“The bigger your career gets, the more you struggle with the idea that a lot of people see you the same way they see an iPhone or a Starbucks.” TAYLOR SWIFT

The film borrows its title from a song on the “Lover” album, “Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince,” that’s maybe the one fully allegorical song Swift has ever released — and, in its fashion, is a great protest song. The entire lyric is a metaphor for how Swift grew up as an unblinking patriot and has had to reluctantly leave behind her naiveté in the age of Trump. Her partner on that track, as well as other message songs like “You Need to Calm Down” and “The Man,” was a co-writer and co-producer new to her stable of collaborators this time around, Joel Little.

With the song “Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince,” although the lyrics are cloaked in metaphor, “We like to think it was a very clear statement,” Little says. “There are lots of little hidden messages within that song that are all pointing toward the way that she thinks and feels about politics and the United States. I love that it uses a lot of classic Taylor Swift imagery, in terms of the songwriting topics of high school and cheerleaders, as a clever nod to what she’s done in the past, but tied in with a heavy political message.”

“Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince” doesn’t actually appear in the documentary, but the director says the film’s title is understood by fans as an obvious reference to political themes in the number. “Even if you don’t know the song,” Wilson says, “I see the movie as looking at the flip side of being America’s sweetheart, so I like how the title evokes that too.”

The doc doesn’t lack for its own protest songs though. In the wake of her midterm disappointment, Swift is seen writing an anthem for millennials who might have come away disillusioned with the political process. That previously unheard song, “Only the Young,” is seen being demo-ed before it plays in full over the end credits; it’ll be released as a digital single in conjunction with the doc. Key lyric: ““You did all that you could do / The game was rigged, the ref got tricked/ The wrong ones think they’re right / We were outnumbered — this time.”

“One thing I think is amazing about her,” says Wilson, “is that she goes to the studio and to songwriting as a place to process what she’s going through. I loved how, when she got the Grammy news (about “Reputation”), this isn’t someone who’s going to feel sorry for herself or say ‘That wasn’t right.’ She’s like, ‘Okay, I’m going to work even harder.’ You see her strength of character in that moment when she gets that news. And then with the election results, I loved how she channeled so many of her thoughts and feelings into ‘Only the Young.’ It was a great way to kind of show how stuff that happens in her life goes directly into the songs; you get to witness that in both cases.

So is the film aimed at satisfying the fan base or teasing the unconvinced hordes who might dial it up as a free stream? “I think it’s a little bit of both,” Swift says. “I chose Netflix because it’s a very vast, accessible medium to people who are just like, ‘Hey, what’s this? I’m bored.’ I love that, because I do so many things that cater specifically to fans that like my music, I think it’s important to put yourself out there to people who don’t care at all about you.”

In the wake of the last round of Kanye-gate, stung by the backlash of those who took his side, Swift took a three-year break from interviews. The mantra of her 2017 album “Reputation” and subsequent tour was “No explanations.” But her Beyoncé-style press blackout was a passing phase. With “Lover” and now, especially, the documentary, she could hardly be more about the explanations. Although this interview is the only one she currently plans to do about the documentary, it’s clear that she’s come back into a season of openness, and that she considers it her natural habitat.

“I really like the whole discussion around music. And during ‘Reputation,’ it never felt like it was ever going to be about music, no matter what I said or did,” she says. “I approach albums differently, in how I want to show them to the world or what I feel comfortable with at that time in my life.” Being more transparent “feels great with this album. I really feel like I could just keep making stuff — it’s that vibe right now. I don’t think I’ve ever written this much. That’s exhibited in ‘Lover’ having the most songs that I’ve ever had on an album” (18, to be exact). “But even after I made the album, I kept writing and going in the studio. That’s a new thing I’ve experienced this time around. That openness kind of feels like you finally got the lid off a jar you’ve been working at for years.”

Cipher-dom never could have stood for long for someone who’s established herself as one of the most accomplished confessional singer-songwriters in pop history. “I don’t really operate very well as an enigma,” she says. “It’s not fulfilling to me. It works really well in a lot of pop careers, but I think that it makes me feel completely unable to do what I had gotten in this to do, which is to communicate to people. I live for the feeling of standing on a stage and saying, ‘I feel this way,’ and the crowd responding with ‘We do too!’ And me being like, ‘Really?’ And they’re like, ‘Yes!’”

Swift believes talking things up again isn’t a form of giving in to narcissism — it’s a way of warding off commodification.

“The bigger your career gets, the more you struggle with the idea that a lot of people see you the same way they see an iPhone or a Starbucks,” she muses. “They’ve been inundated with your name in the media, and you become a brand. That’s inevitable for me, but I do think that it’s really necessary to feel like I can still communicate with people. And as a songwriter, it’s really important to still feel human and process things in a human way. The through line of all that is humanity, and reaching out and talking to people and having them see things that aren’t cute.

enough is enough

I have been pretty silent the past week when it comes to this fandom. But I have seen enough now. So below you will find my opinion on Taylor not doing enough for BLM, Fans attacking eachother and Taylor Nation

I wanna start with the most important toppic which is Taylor and BLM. I have been supporting Taylor for 12 years now, I love her and I respect her. I watched fans judging her for not posting much about the BLM Situation which I understand fully! She should have used her platform much more than she did. So don’t get me wrong I wish she would have done more too. But... I didn’t focus on it. And it’s not like she didn’t say anything. She did. At the beginning, the blackouttuesday (I wasn’t really supportive of it cause I do think that many people just used it as some kind of alibi to be able to say ‘Oh look I am posting this black square, I am doing something good!” Nope. Not enough. However she did post earlier this week. So it’s not like she didn’t say anything. But I know it wasn’t enough, I agree. I have a much smaller platform on twitter, tumblr and instagram but I have been using them since I have a platform. What bothered me though is that many fans really only focused on that?! That I don’t understand. I didn’t waste my time on waiting for her to say something. I just did the best I could, I protested, I spread the word on all my social media and I signed my ass off on all the petitions. I couldn’t donate because I lost my job due to corona, so I am struggling enough with that. But everyday I wake up I get on twitter and check for new petitions to sign and if there is another protest, I am going. Because it’s fucking important. I focused on the actual issues - Police brutality, racism, sexism and Trump! I didn’t wait for Taylor to say something because I shouldn’t. Don’t wait, act on it. Most of you did so it was nice to see that but there were a lot of hate posts about Taylor not doing more, fans fighting about it. It breaks my heart because back in 2012, 13, 14, 15 and 16 this fandom was the best fandom to exist. Now not anymore. Which brings me to the second topic.

Swifties building groups and hurting other Swifties!!!???? WHY? If you are a fan of Taylor’s but are against LGBTQ+ or against other “races” (I hate using this word. We are all humans!!!) sorry to say but if you are against them/us you do not belong here. Please leave my blog and please leave this fandom because Taylor wouldn’t have it either. I just saw a message someone published where one “fan” threatens to destroy another fan. What the HELL?! I mean I get it if someone doesn’t get along with someone thats ok. It’s normal. I know people I don’t get along with but talking about them and threatening them behind their back?! No! I am not here for it. If you don’t like them just don’t interact with them and let them be but do not go and spread things about them that don’t concern you. You are not in that position to do so! Mental health is a serious issue and if you decide to use it against someone you are a horrible human being.

My last topic has nothing to do with the fandom or BLM. This is about TaylorNation. I am very unhappy with a few things not just lately but basicly since reputation. Like I said at the beginning I have been a Swiftie for a very long time and I will always love and support Taylor. But since the RepTour Dates I have been very upset which is also a reason why I am not as active on this blog anymore as I used to be. I feel like world records and money are more important than ever and even more important than the fans? kinda. Let me explain what I mean. I am from Europe and we already don’t have not many chances to see Taylor live. We don’t have the big TV Shows and award shows over here. (Germany) And so my only chances to see her is when she does a Tour and when I saw that she didn’t come to Europe for the Rep Tour I was very upset. She only did UK and I just simply can’t afford to travel there, get a hotel and buy the expensive ass tickets. So my question was ‘Why not Europe?!’ Answer: Stadiums only. For records. I was kinda leaving my TS blog during that time because I was upset and hurt and yeah jealous too. I spent lots of money on CDs, DVDs, Tickets, Merch and streaming websites. And yet I never got the chance to meet her or get like a message or whatnot. Now I know it’s not just me but just gonna say it again, it has been 12 years. Next: Lover Fest, now she did plan on coming to Germany and I did buy a ticket but for a lot of money! When I buy VIP Tickets for 5SOS or Hayley I still pay less money for that than for a simple Taylor ticket. But I love her and she owns my ass still so yeah I bought a ticket. What happens next? Covid-19! (not Taylor’s or tNation’s fault) but I am still waiting for informations about it? Like is it just postponed or is it cancelled??? I don’t know. Cause if it’s cancelled I want my 166€ back! My last point on my agenda is the City of Lover Fest. First stream: Can’t watch cause once again, I am not american. Then they say you can watch it on streaming pages. I got excited cause I already subscribed to Netflix for Rep Tour and Miss Americana. What happens? They don’t put it on Netflix only hulu and Disney+. HOW MANY STREAMING COMPANIES DO YOU WANT ME TO SUBSCRIBE?! THEY ALL COST MONEY!!!! AppleTV for 1989, Netflix for Rep and Miss Americana. So yeah till this day I still haven’t seen it. Because I am not rich enough. Also Merch. Can’t afford it anymore since Reputation era cause WTH?! Way too expensive.

So yeah here you have my statement. I love you all, I love you Taylor. Get off if you are racist or against lgbtq+

Thank you

Is the print publishing world picking up online/fandom terms? How they are using them? How do we feel about this?

So this is... attention-getting, for folks who like to follow publishing and meta stuff.

https://twitter.com/sapphicxrey/status/1215065948677443584

https://twitter.com/TorDotComPub/status/1233391556750647299

(2nd tweet -- TW, mentions of non-con)

Are we seeing the beginnings of book publishers directly borrowing from online/fandom culture in promoting their books? How do we feel about these examples?

More below cut.

Exhibit #1: screenshots of Bonds of Brass promo from Jan 8 2020. (Which is probably going to have reactions of “haha, cute” at most.)

Transcript of blurb: 

“If you like... 

forbidden romances, “there’s only one bed”, cityships, weaponized umbrellas, powersuits, secret princes, best friends, best friends PINING, fake dating between PINING best friends, tactical streaking, the minivan of starships, cigar-chomping cyborg ladies, scary empress moms, galactic-level bisexual disasters, LEGACY (WHAT IS A LEGACY?), rooftop hopping, golden trios, rumblin’ drums, bootleg fireworks, BIG SPACE BATTLES PEW PEW, a surprisingly functional public transit system, mob trouble, one hell of a pilot, the inherent DRAMA of empire, a nice interlude in a river, smoking a joint that’s been on the floor, sick stunts, slick grifts, hiding in a dumpster, or any combination of the above,

 Then you might like 

BONDS OF BRASS”

The Twitter responses seem to be generally enthusiastic. (And also, “FinnPoe! FinnPoe!”)

Personally, I’m intrigued from a meta-view of “oh so that’s definitely pulling from online world and fanfiction world, interesting. I wonder how much fanfiction culture is starting to influence print book culture and promotion.” Maybe I’ve got some questions like, “Ok so moneymaking companies such as Penguin are now using culture developed by the not-moneymaking-world of fanfiction? How do we feel about this?” Anyway, the book looks cute, I’m interested enough and I might get it from the library.

I suspect many people’s reactions are along the lines of “hm, interesting”, “sounds like a lark”, or “haha they’re using AO3 tags as promo”, etc. 

Exhibit #2, screenshots of DOCILE promo, from Feb 28 2020 (today is March 1 2020), and screenshots of Twitter responses so far:

(*CW, non-con discussion)

Tweet transcript:

“DOCILE by @KMSzpara:  

-Dubcon/Noncon 

-Dramatic Trillionaire Content 

-BDSM and then some more BDSM and then a lot more BDSM

 -Hurt/comfort and hurt/no comfort

 -Cinnamon roll of steel 

-The most scandalous kink: love 

-Courtroom, bedroom, & Preakness drama

[Tor book website link]”

So this is getting mixed reactions on Twitter. All dozen or so reactions, so far. Here’s text transcripts and bio info from repliers, below. I’m being a little obsessive, mostly to show that there’s a mix of queer, book-ish people in the replies (including the author).)

Noncon is nonconsentual sex, rape. Even in fandom it's a content tag, not a promotional term. I can't imagine being a rape survivor and seeing this come across my TL. -- @WriteSomeGood [queer rainbow] [Cis queer homemaker, aspiring author, maker of incredible cinnamon buns. She/her] [has a Tumblr page]

I’m not a survivor but it was an instant “no thank you” from me. And I was sincerely looking forward to this prior to. This is the most immediately off-putting marketing push I’ve seen for a book in a long damn time. -- @AGAWilmot [Author, editor, artist. Co-EIC of @anathemaspec. @SFU alum. The Death Scene Artist/W&W 2018. Ace/enby. They/them. Horror is my comfort food.]

Whichever intern wrote this tweet, deserves a full time job. With benefits. -- @simeontsanev [Aspiring writer, post-aspiring musician, and overall geek  He/Him /[queer rainbow]/ To the world we dream about, and the one we live in now! http://simeontsanev.com]

Idk why everyone thinks it’s always an intern writing copy and not a team comprised of extremely skilled social media experts, editors, publicists and marketers, and their assistants  I worked on those tags with my editor and a good friend!! -- @KMSzpara [Kellan. [queer rainbow]  Speculative fiction writer. Queer agenda.  Hugo & Nebula finalist.  DOCILE 3/3/20 from Tor Dot Com Publishing.  He/him.  Rep @suddenlyjen] *The author, bio page and twitter page.

this is CUTE! -- @MSSciarappa  [queer rainbow] I do books. he/him.

I am Extremely Ready for this content thank u -- @JessicaBCooper [Journo ☽ Writer of faerie, villain fuckery & cruel desires ☽ Lestat & Loki's love child ☽ Aleksander Morozova's side-hoe ☽ Rep'd by Kate Testerman @ktliterary]

I’m listening -- @MerynLobb [Government worker. Weightlifter. Nihilist. Aspiring cult leader. Avid user of words, often bad ones. #AMM R6 Mentee. she/her]

Soon! Soon!! -- @castrophony [Geek. Gamer. Cosplayer. Bibliophile. Scientist. She/Her.]

[happy reaction gif] -- @TorDotComPub [Providing a home for writers to tell SFF stories in exactly the number of words they choose. All our titles are available globally in print and DRM-free ebook.]

[throwing stuff in dumpster, unhappy reaction gif] -- @cursedgravy  [name's xavi, im a transman and i like to daydream about making content] 

For more context, here’s the blurb from the author website. Below is the blurb from the publisher’s site:

“Docile

K.M. Szpara

K. M. Szpara's Docile is a science fiction parable about love and sex, wealth and debt, abuse and power, a challenging tour de force that at turns seduces and startles.

There is no consent under capitalism.

To be a Docile is to be kept, body and soul, for the uses of the owner of your contract. To be a Docile is to forget, to disappear, to hide inside your body from the horrors of your service. To be a Docile is to sell yourself to pay your parents' debts and buy your children's future.

Elisha Wilder’s family has been ruined by debt, handed down to them from previous generations. His mother never recovered from the Dociline she took during her term as a Docile, so when Elisha decides to try and erase the family’s debt himself, he swears he will never take the drug that took his mother from him.

Too bad his contract has been purchased by Alexander Bishop III, whose ultra-rich family is the brains (and money) behind Dociline and the entire Office of Debt Resolution. When Elisha refuses Dociline, Alex refuses to believe that his family’s crowning achievement could have any negative side effects—and is determined to turn Elisha into the perfect Docile without it.

Content warning: Docile contains forthright depictions and discussions of rape and sexual abuse.”

So that’s a lot of info and reactions.

Personally: at first glance, I absently skimmed the tweet and “hurt/comfort” popped out, and I was like “What? Mainstream publishing is cool with this now? I was wondering if ‘hurt/comfort’ would one day become commonly used in publishing [related post]. But this is way sooner than I thought.” And then I read the rest of of the tweet and thought, “Wait, what?” 

And then I started reading through the tweet replies and thought, “OK, at the risk of getting a bunch of Tumblr drama, I want to bring this to the whump community and see how people feel."

As for myself, one of my squicks is non-con, and I’m not really interested in hurt/no comfort. So just from the tweet, I know the book is not for me. The official blurbs confirmed that. In this sense, this is like skimming Ao3 tags on a fic and saying “pass” on a story.

However, I have questions about the specific promotion of the book. So the official blurbs are pretty standard. What about that tweet, which Tor (and the author, who helped put it together) put out? Because I think an official publisher’s Tweet comes with different context than Ao3 tags.

First, the different internet spaces. You can filter tags on Ao3 and Tumblr. I know you can mute words on Twitter, but is that the same thing? Also, would people be expecting these tags on Twitter? Compared to Ao3 or Tumblr or Tumblr Whump spaces?

Within the Tumblr Whump community, from what I’ve browsed, the community attitude (guidelines?) seem to be “Write and discuss what you want. Be sure to tag it, use content warnings, or otherwise clearly communicate if you have things that may be triggering. Respect people’s squicks/triggers. Walk away from what you don’t like.” Like, tumblr whump has a very specific culture of trying to balance discourse/stories about potentially very dark stuff, but also wanting to make sure the IRL people and Tumblr users are okay. There’s always posts going around about how to do this, are we doing this in the right way, ethics, so on. Also -- and people can correct me -- the whump tumblr space might be where tags are content warnings for people to stay away, and also what people might actively look for. So if any space is going to discuss if this promotional tweet checks out, I feel like it’s this space. 

Also, to note again, Tor Tweets are in the money-official-publisher-world, not unpaid-tumblr-people or unpaid-fanfiction-fandom-world.

Maybe I just want to ask, “Hey those first two tweet responses, does they have a point? Tor using ‘noncon’ as official promotion? On Twitter?” I mean, I’ve previously written, “The CW and TW tags that Ao3 writers use, I really wish those were used with published books as well.” But somehow, the Tor tweet was not quite what I was expecting. Maybe for reasons similar to that first tweet response. (I guess one could debate if a tweet is really promotion or just information... you know what someone can correct me, but I’m gonna say that a Tor.com tweet is promotion, compared to information like Ao3, and that tweet was there for promotion.)

Those tags operate within specific Ao3 and Tumblr cultures and infrastructure. I don’t hang around Twitter for whump stuff, IDK what the culture is. Anyway, does dropping these tags into a promotional tweet from Tor.... translate?

The tweet is evidently gathering the people who are there for it, and the people who aren’t there for it are quickly realizing that they are not there for it. But personally, the Tor website blurb does a better job at that, using writing that I’d expect from a publisher for communicating fictional non-con situations. (Maybe the blurb content warnings are what I wanted more of, when I said I wished for CW and TW in books.)

Anyway, there’s no huge drama about that Docile book promo on Twitter, as far as I can tell. So this is a niche thing, right now. But. The promo for Bonds of Brass and for Docile might be the beginnings of a trend of well-known book publishers borrowing from online writing / fandom culture and terminology in order to promote or categorize their books. These two promos might set a precedent or have other significance.

So if anyone has discourse on the tweets or potential future trends... 

Episode Recap of "A Duggar Bachelor Pad" First Aired July 21, 2☠️2☠️

"Jessa and Ben go on their first road trip with three kids, hoping they don't lose any kids along the way. Some of the Duggars go to the Bahamas to help after a hurricane. Jed and Jere show off their bachelor pad. The family competes in a corn maze race." And Jim Bob forces the producers to insert flashback clips of 19 Kids and Counting on too many occasions. He thinks he still has something to teach the world beyond how to be a hypocrite.

1. Some Duggars go to the Bahamas to help after a hurricane. They help to manage supplies and clean up. Not mentioned is the trouble they had dealing with other groups and John wearing a gun and flashing his Arkansas badge at others. It wasn't all feeding people and cleaning up for the Duggars in the Bahamas. They've got some weird stuff going on in the background. Jessa and Ben pack up the kids to drive to Kansas City to visit friends. Of course this leads to flashbacks of the old 19 Kids show. Jim Bob is working hard to get those old shows back into repeats. The Seewalds stop to go rotten apple picking with their friends and then visit the zoo where we get to watch Hank trying to make his escape. That one is a runner. More flashbacks on how Jim Bob and Michelle used the buddy system to keep their kids from escaping. Baby Felicity is learning to swim in LA. More flashbacks follow of 19 Kids showing the Duggar kids jumping into a dirty horse trough. Jinger, Jessa, Joy and Joe claim to be poor swimmers. Maybe it's because they were forced to learn in full length skirts and jeans. Felicity is not a fan of freezing cold pool water but she'll get there.

2. The twins, Jed and Jeer, have moved into a bachelor pad. What they don't tell you is they only did this so Jed could run for state rep. He had to live in the district he's running in. Jim Bob pretends that all his kids can move out after they turn 18. That's funny since none of them do unless they get married or run for office. These kids don't leave because of the spiritual abuse and financial abuse. They are tied to Jim Bob in too many sick ways. John did live at Big Sandy from time to time to teach flight training but never officially moved out of the house until Abbie. For some reason the twins are sharing a bedroom even though there is another bedroom in the house. I'm sure Jim Bob ordered this as a way to keep them accountable to each other. You know, to keep the whacking the monkey stuff to a minimum or from wanting to sneak girls or boys in. Like Jed couldn't lock Jeer in a closet for an hour or so. Anyway, this episode doesn't make Jed's run for office any more appealing to the voters. I just need to know why they have so many electrical cords running under their beds. What kind of toys are they charging under there? Joe and Josiah visit and bring dirty lawn chairs and a toy and Jed decides to cook them burgers because it's "manly". I sense a little manly insecurity here. Josiah and Joe end up taking over the cooking. The twins claim they can't cook because they don't have wives to teach them yet. Idiots! All those years of HOMEschooling and they never took HOME ec. They also say once they're married they can't split the utility bill anymore which means no wife of there's is going to work or have any of her own money. Beware girls! Run like Marjorie Jackson and all of the girls the Bates boys court.

3. The Duggars gather together to reenact the last scene of The Shining. They all break into teams and time themselves running through a corn maze. Of course Jessa and Ben won. How do they always win? Maybe it's due to all their practice from chasing a runaway Hank. Jim Bob mocks what he thinks is a Liberal attitude by saying "We're all winners." and everyone laughs, boos or thumbs down him and I think Jessa says, "We don't do that." They don't like the idea that kids get prizes for participating or get encouragement when they lose. Actually, it's not a Liberal idea, it's a humane idea when applied to children. I'm all for teaching children to compete and to win and lose gracefully. I'm also for encouraging children and awarding them for their efforts and participation. The Duggars are all about, too bad for trying, go jump in a horse trough. I really wish the Duggars could get an education beyond their conservative upbringings. They really need to try to understand other people's point of views beyond their bubble. They don't need to accept it but they should hear others out.

And then another surprise flashback episode occurs after this episode. All 19 Kids and Counting clips from back before the Duggar scandals. I won't recap it but if you want to watch it it's hilarious how they cut Josh out. They run the camera down the line of kids several times and just as they get to Josh, the shot changes. Jill is shown in the flashback episode but they own her image so she doesn't really have a choice. I guess she could do something really horrible and then get edited out Josh style. They talk about buying cheap clothes and used shoes and hypocritically taking trips in a huge very expensive tour bus. You know, all things early Duggar. I advise them to check out the YouTube channel, The Crazy Middles. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzVxzz60KHq5Bgqf1zqoocg This family has 20 children, 18 adopted through foster care. They feel it's important for the kids to get the clothes that makes them feel good. So often it's name brand new clothes. This is one of the most loving and happy families that I've ever seen and the older kids leave the house at 18, if they chose to, and are doing very well building their own lives in various types of jobs and one of their sons is gay! TLC, give these amazing people a show! But you won't. They're too normal.

Cardi B in the March 2019 issue of Harper’s BAZAAR. QUEEN.

Cardi B Opens Up About Her "Rags to Riches" Cinderella Story

When Cardi B visits her favorite nail salon in the Bronx, she enters through a raggedy hallway covered with a rug emblazoned with the image of a $100 bill. The salon, which overlooks a bustling avenue of pizza shops, sports-gear superstores, and boutiques with weaves in 70 colors, is a temple to money, excess, and sexiness, symbolized in the application of nails that look like diamond-encrusted Buck knives. Portraits of two icons of pulchritude hang on the walls—namely, Marilyn Monroe and the very 2019 version of Marilyn: Cardi. 

With a posse that includes her dad, her half-sister, her half-brother, and two Drogosize bodyguards whose names I don’t catch but imagine to be Bulwark and Spear, Cardi, 26, heads toward a private side room. She surrenders her hands and feet to Jenny Bui, her sharp-tongued nail tech of more than half a decade, even back when she didn’t have the money to move out of this borough.

A tiny, makeup-less sprite in magenta leggings and a playful Moschino sweatshirt, Cardi talks about where she’s at today. On one hand, she says, “I feel like my life is a fairy tale and I’m a princess—rags to riches, people trying to sabotage,” she says. But she also complains fervently about being over the fairy-tale life and wanting peace and quiet. “Before, I cared about everything—relationship, gossip. Now I don’t feel like I have the time to please people,” she explains. “I don’t care about anything anymore—just my career and my kid.” What about money, the thing she raps about caring for quite a bit? “Well, I care about my career because of my money,” Cardi says, giving me a “c’mon, stupid” face.

“Before,” in this context, means before the tectonic shifts that have taken place in Cardi’s life in the past year: that she became a global superstar; relocated from New York to Atlanta to live with the charismatic rapper Offset, her new husband; gave birth to an unplanned but much loved daughter, Kulture Kiari, in July; then, five months later, after the drip-drip-drip of rumors about Offset’s infidelity, announced on Instagram that the marriage was over.

Today Cardi tells me that Offset has been to her apartment, but they haven’t seen each other and are “not really” talking, which is a bit hard to believe after she shows me videos of her gurgling baby on her iPhone and happens to scroll past a photo of Offset with a time stamp reading today. When I ask her if she’s getting back with Offset, I can almost hear her curious entourage, who have arranged themselves on sofas on the perimeter of the room, lean forward to catch the answer. For a moment, the only sound is Bui engaging in some hard-hat-level sanding and scraping of the star’s three-inch nails. Then Cardi says both, “I don’t think so,” and “Who knows? You never know, you can never tell,” neither of which is exactly a definitive answer.

I’ve interviewed dozens of pop stars, and Cardi, despite the massive entourage and the bear-claw-like nails, seems the most normal. She’s not the most down-to-earth or the most perfect, and she’s definitely not the least into social media, but she knows who she is and where she came from, and has somehow managed to keep expressing genuine emotions in the face of blockbuster success. And while her emotions can sometimes seem out of control, who hasn’t been there? We might not have screamed and thrown a shoe at Nicki Minaj at a Harper’s Bazaar event this past September (in retribution, Cardi has said, for various slights from Minaj, including liking a negative comment about her parenting skills), or allegedly ordered an attack on two female bartenders at a strip club visited by Offset (a judge issued orders of protection in December for the accusers), but we’ve all been mad as hell. And the unbearable cuteness and sexiness of Cardi, a raunchy L.O.L. doll, quickly erases those moments, drowning them in adorable high jinks.  

Leaving aside the fake nails and boob implants, with Cardi the artifice is in the artwork. In the space of less than a year, her music, videos, and fashion have made her a star of Lady Gaga proportions. She releases hit after hit; following last summer’s “I Like It,” the first Latin trap song to rise to number one on the Billboard Hot 100, with “Money,” a song, unsurprisingly, about money. In the video, she wears gorgeous clothes (she’s got “10 different looks and my looks all kill,” she raps), including outfits referencing Thierry Mugler, a gold bikini inspired by 1990s Lil’ Kim’s, and a custom Christian Cowan bodysuit fabricated from dozens of actual watches. She’s a post-Kardashian American superstar, a master of selfies, belfies, late-night Instagram videos, and all other manner of self-promotion— and also a creative genius. In 2019, no one needs to pick.  

Raised in the Bronx, Cardi was the naturally rebellious daughter of a Trinidadian-born cashier mother and a Dominican Republic–born cabdriver father. Her mother was strict. Nevertheless she joined the notorious Bloods gang, moved out of her mother’s home and in with a boyfriend and, finding herself broke, took a job as a cashier at a grocery store. To build a nest egg, she became a stripper. To build a bigger nest egg, she became a hot girl on social media. In 2015, she was cast as a lovable loudmouth on the VH1 reality show Love & Hip Hop: New York, then began releasing her own mixtapes. Her debut single, “Bodak Yellow,” went to the top of the charts, and it took her only one album to achieve escape velocity: Invasion of Privacy, arguably the best debut album from a female rapper since Lil’ Kim’s 1996 Hard Core. 

It’s an intense time for Cardi, now one of the biggest rappers—and one of the most famous women in the world—caring for an infant and dealing with a semi-estranged husband. Her answer is to be as real as she can. As much as she may imagine herself as a princess, she talks about admiring Meghan Markle for becoming a real one. “She must just be like, ‘Who am I?’” Cardi says, referring to Markle’s having to live by the royal family’s rules. Not being able to be herself would be the worst punishment for Cardi. 

Up and down, joy and pain, sunshine and rain—we’ve experienced all her days on her social media channels, where she posts close-up, emotional videos like an Instagram mime. She’s not your typical grasping celebrity, and doesn’t get off on endless adulation. “I work with somebody who gives me compliments all day, and I’m like, ‘Oh, my gosh, can you just stop?’” she says.   

Cardi’s fans have been so protective of her that when Offset broke in to her set at a concert, walking onstage with a $15,000 rolling floral display made of 2,000 roses that read TAKE ME BACK CARDI, they exploded on social media with anger over a man who refused to take a woman’s “no” at face value. (A backstage video showing one of Cardi’s reps escorting Offset to the stage did little to dim the outrage.)  

I ask if any family or friends influenced her decision to leave Offset. “No, I decided on my own,” she declares, looking me straight in the eye. “Nobody makes my decisions about my life but me.” Before they broke up, Offset begged Cardi to see a therapist. “I didn’t want to go to marriage counseling,” she says, in a firm tone of voice. “He suggested it, but it’s like, ‘I don’t want to go.’ There’s no counselor or nothing that could make me change my mind.”

Like many women who’ve experienced heartache and alleged infidelity, she seems caught between wanting to stay and leave. As Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat Pray Love, Offset is “[her] lighthouse and [her] albatross in equal measure.” But Cardi also knows that dating new guys might be bizarre. “I have a kid, and I’m also famous,” she says quietly. “So I can’t just sleep with anybody. People talk. You know, if I date somebody in the industry, that’s another person in the industry. If I date somebody who is not in the industry, he might not understand my lifestyle.” Since the breakup, she’s been getting a ton of messages from guys but ignoring them. “It’s like, ‘Bro, why would you want to holler at me right away? You’re weird.’ If you think Imma automatically hop onto you after a marriage, that just means you think I’m a sleaze. And I’m not. I have a kid—I have to show an example.”

Bui, who has been listening intently to our interview while crafting Cardi’s nails, waves a hand and then interjects, “You’re so old-fashioned!”

“Jenny, just because I’m out there and very sexual doesn’t mean that I have to be whorish,” says Cardi. “I like to have sex. That doesn’t mean I have to have it with everybody.” She pauses, then adds, “Not that I judge women who want to have sex with the world.”

Done with her rant, Cardi turns her attention to her nails. “Damn, that’s sharp,” she says to Bui, whistling a little under her breath. “The polish will make them less sharp, right? Because we can’t forget about the baby.” Ignoring her, Bui says only, “Don’t move.”

Throughout our conversation, Cardi has been jiggling her leg up and down like a schoolkid. I ask her how long she’s had that habit. “Forever, and you know what? People always talk shit about it, but now it’s like, ‘Ha ha,’ because when I do it my daughter likes it,” she says.    

Despite the indelible image of Cardi breast-feeding in the “Money” video, wearing a black gown open at the bodice, she isn’t breast-feeding Kulture, whom she’s nicknamed KK. “It was too hard,” she explains. In fact, she spent most of the time after the baby was born in a haze of postpartum depression. “I thought I was going to avoid it,” Cardi says. “When I gave birth, the doctor told me about postpartum, and I was like, ‘Well, I’m doing good right now, I don’t think that’s going to happen.’ But out of nowhere, the world was heavy on my shoulders.”

Realizing that taking KK with her on the tour bus was unrealistic but unable to bear leaving her at home, Cardi dropped out of a lucrative tour with Bruno Mars. She started feeling better a couple of months after the baby was born, she says, and her mother has been helping out; Cardi hasn’t hired professional help because she isn’t sure she can trust anyone outside her family.

As a new mom, Cardi is still experiencing aches and pains. “For some reason, I still don’t feel like my body’s the same,” she says. “I feel like I don’t have my balance right yet. When it comes to heels, I’m not as good at walking anymore. I feel like I’m holding a weight on me. I don’t know why because I’m skinnier than I’ve ever been. But there’s an energy I haven’t gotten back yet that I had before I was pregnant. It’s just the weirdest thing.”

The baby is starting to help Cardi balance her emotions, though. “Sometimes I’ll see something online and it’ll piss me off, and then my baby will start crying or something, and it’s like, ‘You know what? I’ve got to deal with the milk. Forget this.’” She’s thinking about pulling back a little from social media. “I’ve noticed that every time you respond, you just make things worse, so I’m over it. I’m just over it. I really don’t need it, and sometimes it just brings chaos to my brain.” She adds, “I can stay off social media. I’ve been trying.” For months after KK was born, Cardi didn’t put pictures of her on social media, and certainly didn’t sell any to the tabloids. She says Offset wanted to put a picture up, but she was unsure.  

“As soon as she was born, one month in he was like, ‘She’s so beautiful. Watch how people gonna go crazy.’ ’Cause a lot of people were saying mean stuff, like that we don’t post her because she’s ugly. He was like, ‘I’m about to post my baby right now.’ But then we were very concerned because we were getting a lot of threats, so he said, ‘The world don’t even deserve to see her.’” Eventually Cardi wanted to put a photo up because “it’s really annoying and we don’t have a life. We have to hide her all the time. I can’t go to L.A. or Miami and walk down the beach with my baby. I want to go shopping with my baby. I want to take a stroll with my baby. Sometimes I feel bad for her because all she knows is the house.” But can’t you put on a baseball cap? I ask. Will people still recognize you? “Yeah,” she says. “It’s my nose.” 

Bui applies a final coat of purple paint on Cardi’s nails—a brief discussion ensues about whether the shade is the exact “baby purple” Cardi has requested—and then she talks about needing to get home to go to sleep. “I’ve got a big meeting in the morning in Boston,” Cardi says, nodding slowly. “Lots of money in Boston.” She begins horsing around with her six-year-old half-brother, ribbing him for being rebellious the way she used to be. “He’s a child of the corn!” she wails. “He’s just like me.” (Her half-sister adds, “Like you, sharp but sweet.”) Bui says she thought that when Cardi hit it big, she wouldn’t see her in the salon again. “I told her, ‘You’re going to forget about me,’ ” Bui says. “And she said, ‘Never.’”

I’ve been working on a Fallout 4 fic so here’s part of it 🥺👉👈

(this fic is posted and updated on Wattpad and AO3)

Chapter 1. Emergence.

Naomi cringed as she heard the knock on the door. That damn Vault-Tec representative wouldn’t leave them alone and she wasn’t sure she wanted to buy into what they were selling. The end of the world? Oh, the dramatics. Her husband, Nate, had fought in the war and had seen so much. He always reassured her that Vault-Tec was just trying to scare people. “Why don’t you just answer?” Nate called. “Maybe he’ll stop if we listen to him.”

“Why don’t you answer it?” Naomi smirked.

Just then, Shaun started crying. “Because it sounds like our son needs a little fatherly love.” 

“Yeah, you got lucky.” She muttered as she opened the front door.

“Good morning! Vault-Tec calling!” The man in the hat and trench coat smiled almost unnervingly wide.

“Mornin’.”

“You can’t believe how happy I am to finally speak with you! I’ve been trying for days! It’s a matter of most utmost urgency, I assure you.”

“Okay?” Naomi shifted her weight onto one leg and crossed her arms.

“I’m here today to tell you that because of your family’s service to our country, you have been pre-selected for entrance into the local Vault, Vault 111!” He shook his hands with a flourish.

She rolled her eyes. “Sounds great…”

“Oh, it is. Believe you me.” The representative clearly didn’t pick up on her irritated tone. “Now, you’re already cleared for entrance, in the unforeseen event of,” he cleared his throat, “total atomic annihilation. I just need to verify some information.”

Naomi entertained the rep’s attention until all of the ‘logistics’ had been settled. “Is that all?”

He finally seemed to pick up on her irritation. “That’s… everything… Just gonna walk this over to the Vault! Congratulations for being prepared for the future!”

“Whatever.” Naomi all but slammed the door in his face. “I hope I never have to see that man again.”

Nate had taken a seat at the kitchen island in the middle of her conversation with the rep. He let out a low chuckle. “Hey, it’s peace of mind. That’s worth a little paperwork, right?”

She smiled. “Anything for my boys.”

From down the hall, Shaun started to cry again. “Miss Naomi!” Codsworth called.

“I’m on it, Codsworth!” She strolled down the hallway to the nursery. “What’s the matter, Shaun?” She picked him up and held him close to her. “Momma’s here, everything’s fine.” She bounced him lightly and he started to calm. She didn’t know how tough caring for a newborn would be when her and Nate fell pregnant, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Her life was perfect. “See? Nothing to be sad about.”

“Nothing like a mother’s love, huh?” Naomi turned around to see Nate leaning against the door frame. “Listen, I was thinking tonight we could head to the park with Shaun and stargaze? Tonight is supposed to be the peak of a meteor shower and I know how much you love watching the stars.”

“Sounds great.”

“Sir? Mum?” Codsworth’s worried voice carried from the living room. “You should come and see this!”

The two of them hurried, Shaun now in Nate’s arms, to the living room to see the newscaster delivering solemn news. “I repeat, confirmed reports of nuclear detonations in New York and Pennsylvania.”

“Oh my gosh.” Nate exhaled.

“This is not happening.” Naomi whimpered. Was this real? She hoped and prayed that it was just a nightmare. That she'd wake up and carry on with her day, taking the trip to the park to watch the stars Nate had proposed..

But the newscaster put his face in his hands and the TV suddenly cut to static. “We need to get the Vault. Now!” Nate placed his hand on Naomi’s lower back and ushered her out of the house. They ran past their neighbors, whom they have only exchanged pleasantries with. She wondered how many of them were allowed in the Vault with them, she hoped it was all of them. They hurried up the hill, ignoring their burning calves, and saw just how many people were standing on their side of the gates. Were they letting anyone in? “We need to get in! We’re on the list!” Their family was quickly confirmed and were led to a large gear shaped door on the ground.

Naomi took a second to calm down. They had made it. They were the last one’s to be let in before they decided to send it down. “Do you think there will be enough time for them to get another group of people?”

“I hope so.” Nate sighed and put a hand on her shoulder. “We made it. We’re going to be okay. I love you. Both of you.”

“We love you too.” Then there was a flash of blinding light, followed by a near-deafening boom. Everyone turned to see a larger than life mushroom cloud erupting high into the sky.

“SEND IT DOWN, NOW!” An officer bellowed. Time slowed for Naomi. She looked to her husband and her infant son. Would they make it down in time? Was this the last she would ever see of them? She launched herself forward and embraced the two of them, her face already streaked with tears. A gust of hot air from the explosion hit them full force and they braced themselves for the worst as the world went black.

“We made it…” Nate finally spoke as light broke into the elevator.

A man, whose title was the Overseer, gave them an empathetic but hopeful smile. “No need to worry, folks! We’ll get everyone situated in your new home. Vault 111! A better future. Underground!” “What kind of life can we live underground?” Someone asked.

“It’s better than the alternative.” Nate said.

“What about the others?” Naomi wiped her wet face and tried to take a clarifying breath.

“Please, make your way upstairs!” A Vault-Tec security man shouted.

The people seemed to walk around numbly, unwilling to accept that this was their life now, living underground like moles. They accepted their Vault suits and walked down a long metal hallway. “Everything feels so… Sterile.” Naomi shivered. “Clinical. Is the rest of the Vault more… Inviting?” She asked one of the doctors.

He dodged the question. He motions to a pod large enough for an adult. “Just step in here and put your Vault suit on.” Naomi hesitated but once she saw Nate putting his on, she followed. “The pod will decontaminate and depressurize you before we head deeper in the Vault. Just relax.” The pod closed around her and hissed, she suddenly felt claustrophobic. The air started to feel chilly which she thought was part of the process. But then the window started to ice over, and before she could react, her heart slowed and she fell asleep.

Naomi woke up coughing, she heard a loud voice that sounded like someone was yelling in her ear. Her vision was blurred and her appendages were numb as hell. “All Vault residents must vacate immediately.” The voice said. Naomi banged on the pod door and it slid open causing her to stumble out onto the ground. She groaned and flexed her fingers until she was able to push herself up. She looked up and saw Nate’s pod was still closed. She crawled to the control panel and pushed every single button. Why hadn’t his opened yet? Why hadn’t anyone else’s? “Malfunction in Cryo Pod manual release overdrive.” She pulled herself up and looked into his pod. The sight sent her back to her knees. It hadn’t been a dream…

“I’M NOT GIVING YOU SHAUN!” Nate screamed as a masked figure tried to yank the infant out of his arms.

BANG.

Naomi’s heart sunk to her feet. A man walked up to her pod and looked at her with satisfaction. “At least we still have the backup.”

He was dead… He was actually dead… And Shaun was gone. The two most important people in her life were just… Gone. What was she supposed to do now? She wanted to give up. She curled up on the floor and sobbed until no more tears came.

Nate and Naomi met back before he served in the war. Naomi was going to college and Nate was touring her college with the other hopeful applicants. She had volunteered to be one of the guides for the high school seniors, and Nate was in her group. She told them all of the boring academic stuff, but once all of that was out of the way, she gave them the real ins and outs of the campus: where to get the best burger, where the best place to study was, and which sorority threw the best parties. At the end of the day, Nate was so smitten with her. Naomi… Not so much. He was still a high schooler, she thought it was weird. The following school year, they ran into each other in one of their classes. He seemed different to her, more mature somehow even though it was only half a year since she saw him last.

Nate had been taken by surprise when Naomi was the one who made the first move, but he was the one who planned the first date. He had read an article once about people’s ideal dates and he was desperate to try one. He took her to a cliff that overlooked the ocean right before sunset and brought a picnic. They watched the sun go down and paint the sky, then they laid down on a blanket and gazed at the stars. Nate couldn’t tell which stars were brighter, the ones in the sky or the ones in Naomi’s eyes.

Now he was gone. They both were. After she calmed her breath, she opened her eyes with determination. She stood up and took Nate’s ring off of his finger. “I’ll find out who did this and I’ll get Shaun back. I promise.”

When Naomi finally made it out of the Vault, and the light of the sun had burned her eyes, she was rendered speechless. Her home- everything- destroyed. Nothing looked the same. But she only had one thought in mind: where was Shaun? She clenched her fists and growled. “I will not rest until I find you, Shaun. Even if it kills me.” Naomi unequipped the 10mm she found in the Vault and headed on the path where her and Nate had run for their lives before… She saw multiple skeletons and she thought of reasons why they died. Maybe they didn’t make it to the Vault in time. Maybe they weren’t allowed in at all. And whose decision was it to determine who were and were not allowed in the Vault? Her blood boiled while her heart ached for those who died. She knew she shouldn’t have trusted that Vault-Tec rep.

“As I live and breathe…” A familiar voice rang. Naomi looked in front of her old house and saw Codsworth hanging around, a little worse for wear but still in functioning condition. “It’s… It’s really YOU!”

“Codsworth! You’re still here!”

“Of course I’m still here!”

“Is anyone else here?” Naomi desperately looked around for any sort of life form, hopefully not one of those giant cockroaches again.

“Oh mum, it’s been just horrible! Two centuries with no one to talk to, with no one to serve!”

“Two… centuries?” Had she heard that right?

“I spent the first ten years trying to keep the floors waxed, but nothing gets out nuclear fallout from vinyl wood! Nothing!”

“Codsworth?”

“And don’t get me started about the futility of dusting a collapsed house.”

“Hey.”

“And the car! The car! How do you polish rust?”

“CODSWORTH!” The robot finally stopped babbling and looked at Naomi. “What do you mean ‘two centuries’? Was I really… Gone that long?”

“Everyone’s been gone that long, mum. Where’s sir and the lad? I assume they are with you.”

Naomi couldn’t stop herself from welling up. “They’re gone, Codsworth…” She took a deep breath and let the tears fall freely. “Shaun was kidnapped and Nate was… He was shot. They killed him. I want to find Shaun but I don’t know where to start. God only knows where he could be right now.”

“What about the city? Concord is nearby.”

“It’s as good a start as any. Assuming that you’ve checked around here recently?”

“Believe me, mum, if they were here I would know.”

“Yeah… Thanks for keeping down the fort, Codsworth.”

“Stay safe, mum.”

Naomi remembered when she and Nate got Codsworth. Naomi insisted that they didn’t need a Mr. Handy, that they could take care of the house by themselves. But they just learned that Naomi was pregnant, so Nate would not give up until she agreed an extra hand - or many appendages - would be nice around the house once the baby came. He always told Naomi that since they had someone else to take care of the chores around the house, it gave him the opportunity to make her his top priority. And now… He was gone. She took one last look at her old house, and made her way to Concord.

Naomi wiped the blood off of her face. The world after the bombs really was different. First, it was giant bugs. Next, it was giant lizards? Did she go back in time to the dinosaurs? Naomi climbed out of the power armor and tried to catch her breath. If she hadn’t been wearing the armor, she would have been squished like one of those big bugs. The stray dog that she came across at the gas station near her old house trotted up to her and nudged her arm. “How are you, boy?” She lifted her arm to pet him but searing pain came from her shoulder. “Don’t happen to have a stimpack, do you boy?” He ran over to one of the raider’s bodies and sniffed around their waist. He quickly came back with a stimpack in his mouth. “Well, aren’t you smart?” She shoved the needle into her body and waited as the pain melted away, then she gave the dog a proper pet. “Good boy.” She glanced up at the old Museum of Freedom. “Guess I should go back in to see Preston?” The dog’s tail wagged furiously and he sprinted towards the doors. Naomi made her way through the destroyed museum until she got to the room where Preston and what he called ‘The Minutemen’ were holed up in. “How is everyone?” She asked.

Preston gave her a brilliant smile. “Great, thanks to you! That was quite a display.”

“It was… Definitely the most interesting thing I’ve ever done in my life. Though, I’m not sure that’s going to be the only time I’ll be saying that nowadays. Hell, I’m still getting used to people saying pre-war.”

“You said you were frozen in the Vault?” Preston asked.

“That’s right. Over two hundred years ago, apparently. My Mr. Handy told me earlier today.”

“Can’t believe they would do that. Wasn’t Vault-Tec supposed to be the good guys?”

“That’s what we thought… Now my husband’s dead and my son is missing.”

“I’m so sorry…” Preston nervously adjusted his hat.

“You’re a woman out of time.” The old woman named Mama Murphy said. “Out of hope. But all’s not lost. I can feel your son’s energy. He’s alive.”

“Where is my son?” Naomi’s gun fell out of her hand and she dropped in front of Mama Murphy. “Where is Shaun??”

“Oh… I wish I knew, kid. But he’s out there, and I don’t need the Sight to tell me where you should start looking. The great, green jewel of the Commonwealth. Diamond City. The biggest settlement around.”

“Diamond City?” Naomi’s eyebrows furrowed. “Fenway Park? The baseball stadium?”

“That’s the one. If you’d like, I can accompany you there, show you the way.”

“I knew this city like the back of my hand back in the day.” She got to her feet and picked up her gun. “And if I can fight one of those…” She gestured largely. “Huge lizards.”

“Deathclaws.”

“Deathclaws, right. Then I can face whatever might be in the city, right? Besides, your people need you right now.”

“If anyone can do it, it would be you. I would suggest wearing the power armor until you get more settled.” Preston gave her a package of minigun ammo. “And watch out for super mutants. Giant, green, ugly creatures. They’re dangerous. But Diamond City Security should have everything under control.” He smiled warmly. “Make sure to come and see us at Sanctuary Hills. The Minutemen could use someone like you.”

Naomi chuckled. “I’ll think about it.” She adjusted the armor she took from the raiders and made her way out, and Dogmeat never left her side.

Nate held up a onesie with little green dinosaurs on it. “Come on, love, wouldn’t this be perfect for his first outfit?”

Naomi shifted uncomfortably on their bed, caressing her swollen belly. “Honey, I know you’re trying to lighten the mood, but I have never been more uncomfortable in my life.”

He walked over to her, kneeled down, and took her hands in his. “I know, but soon it’ll all be over, and our little boy will be here with us.” He kissed her hands. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I want to do anything I can to help you through this. You’re strong, you’ve got this.”

Naomi smiled and took the dinosaur onesie in her hands. “This one’s perfect.”

The sun slowly started to set as she made the long trek to Diamond City, and seeing her city in the state it was… It broke her heart. She and Dogmeat came across a couple of bugs eating a dead cow with two heads. So strange. The real fear set in when she got into the city. Those dead people could be around any corner, too many places to hide. She clutched her gun and kept it close to her body. She was close to the river now, and she hoped that at least one bridge was still intact.

The Pip-Boy on her wrist crackled to life, a frequency started cutting in and out. “Nine. Five… sustained casualties… running low on supplies… requesting supplies… Cambridge Police Station…”

Every fiber in her being told her to ignore it, to stay focused on Diamond City. But the police station was more or less on her way. “I hope I don’t regret this.” Naomi thought. She picked up the pace and followed the roads to the station as she ignored her racing heart. If she hadn’t known her way there, the amount of gunshots that ricocheted through the alleys would have led her there. The old police station was boarded up and crawling with the dead.

“Check your fire, we’ve got hostiles!” A man’s voice rang. Naomi burst into a run and reloaded her gun, readying for whatever laid ahead. She shot several of the dead before she made it into the guarded area of the station. A man in power armor saw her and shouted. “Civilian in the perimeter! Check your fire!” But Naomi was handling her own. She took out the dead as if she had been doing this for months. It helped that they were incredibly predictable; they charge, then they fall. But she got overwhelmed. As soon as she took one out, she was tackled by two. Dogmeat ran to her aid and started tearing at one of their legs while Naomi shoved the barrel of her gun into the open mouth of the one on top of her and pulled the trigger. Soon, the area was quiet. And God, it smelled. She got on her hands and knees and retched at the smell. And the fact that she was covered in blood and brains. “We appreciate the assistance, civilian.” She looked up and found the man in power armor in front of her. “But what’s your business here?”

Naomi felt both intimidated and comforted by the man’s appearance. “I, uh…” She slowly stood up and brushed herself off. “I heard your distress signal on the radio. I figured I could come and help.”

“Are you from a local settlement?”

She looked down and studied what she was wearing: the stolen raider armor and her bright blue vault suit. No point in lying. “I came from Vault 111.”

“You’re a Vault Dweller?” He studied her before he continued. “Most people wouldn’t admit that.” “Why not?”

“If you want to continue pitching in, we could use an extra gun on our side.” He said, ignoring her question.

“I don’t know… I was heading towards Diamond City. I’m looking for a missing person.”

“I wish you luck, then.” The man curtly turned around and headed inside.

“I’m sorry about him.” A woman said. “Things have been tough on us. We’ve lost a man and our supplies are low, though I assume you gathered that from the radio signal.” She quickly glanced at the wounded man on the ground before she continued. “I’m Scribe Haylen. That’s Knight Rhys over there, and the man in the power armor is Paladin Danse. We’re with the Brotherhood of Steel.”

“Brotherhood of Steel?”

“Ah, right. I overheard you telling Paladin Danse you were a Vault Dweller. Long story short, we’re like the military.” She rummaged through one of the pouches on her harness. “It’s not much, but here.” She placed a small pouch in Naomi’s hand.

She opened the pack, curious as to the light clinking noise it made. “Bottle caps?”

“It’s the currency nowadays. That pre-war paper money is useless now.” The woman patted Naomi on the arm. “Well, good luck. Diamond City isn’t much farther.”

The door to the detective agency closed loudly behind Naomi and she groaned loudly. She made it all the way to Diamond City, and when she felt like she was put on the right track, that she found someone who could actually help her find Shaun, the detective himself was missing. She knew finding her son would be hard, but she underestimated just how hard it would be in this new world. "You okay, Blue?"

Naomi turned around and saw Piper making her way down the alley. "Blue?"

"You know, blue Vault Suit?" Piper chuckled lightly. "Seriously, are you okay?"

"Nick Valentine is missing and it seems almost impossible to find my son… I'm not even sure he's alive. Or how old he is…" Naomi leaned on the wall and sighed. "Am I in over my head, Piper?"

"Look, I know I don't know you at all, but I see a fire in you. You're passionate. I can tell you're a damn good mother and you will not stop until you find your son." Naomi smiled, feeling a little more confident. "It's going to be hard, but I believe in you. And if you need help, don't be afraid to ask. Hell, I could help now if you want. Who knows what's waiting in the Vault."

"You don't even know me and you're willing to risk your life to come with me?"

"You might have gathered now, but the Institute is the Commonwealth's biggest boogeyman. People have gone missing, replaced by synths, and now a child is involved. I'm sick and tired of seeing people afraid and paranoid that their family might be synths. I'm sick of not getting answers. I feel like if I help you find your son, maybe I can get some answers."

"Well, having some extra fire support wouldn't hurt."

"Awesome. Mind if we head to my office first? I wanna tell my sister I'll be gone." They walked to Publick Occurrences and Naomi was shocked by how similar Piper and Nat seemed.

Nate wanted several kids. He wanted a full family. Naomi was not as eager. She was excited to have a child in her life but it never even crossed her mind to have more than one. She figured she would have one kid and spoil them rotten. When Naomi was pregnant, Nate hadn't really bothered her about having more kids, he was just excited to have one on the way. Once Shaun was born, he was absolutely obsessed. The woman he loved created something so perfect, how could he not want more? Naomi said they were both biased. Nate was an only child, whereas Naomi had an older sister that relentlessly teased and messed with her when they were growing up. "What if he gets lonely?" Nate asked.

Naomi shifted Shaun as he fed. "Love, he has both of us, and no doubt he'll make many friends when he's older. I don't think he'll get lonely."

"At least think about it? I would love it if Shaun had a sibling."

"I'll think about it, but no promises."

Nat and Piper had the same attitude as each other. Despite seeing some irritation from Nat's end, they seemed to have a shared love and a deep connection. When they left the office and were out of Diamond City, Naomi made a quizzical noise. "Are you close with your sister?"

"She's all I have left. If I lost her, I don't know what I would do."

"I'm not sure I would want to bring a child into this world." Naomi turned her gaze to the ground.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Knowing that my child is out there in this world? It's terrifying. If I'm having trouble adjusting, I can't imagine what he's going through. I couldn't even begin to imagine how I would feel if Nate and I had two children lost in this world."

"Nate is the dad?"

"Nate is… Was… My husband."

"What happened to him?"

"They killed him."

"The Institute?"

Naomi kicked a rock out of frustration. "I don't know. Whoever it was had the ability to override the controls in the Vault to open the pods we were in, which makes me think it was Vault-Tec."

"We'll find out, and we'll find your son."

"First, we have to find Nick."

James & Ava

James: [let's say he puts up an insta of those bubs playing with those torts for her to see] Ava: 🥰 So happy they like 'em, I would've tried to get a real one but they were not fitting in the hand-luggage and apparently that's illegal 🤷 James: [ages later like] James: picking you up from A&E is one thing, a holding cell is quite another Ava: I understand, there's fast and then there's that Ava: thank GOD my Dad will front my bail 😏 James: & your brother's practically a lawyer so there's that Ava: If it weren't him I'd raise questions about having a 'basically' lawyer take my case but yeah Ava: do the torts have names yet? Ava: keep me posted tah James: they do James: Clover & Dandy Ava: 👏 Ava: very creative, very cute Ava: must take after you James: Matty's suggestions were all rejected for being too confusing, which in my opinion was slightly brutal of Jay, but I do also see her point Ava: 😂 Ava: They can have some confusing but adorable nicknames Ava: I couldn't say either my brother or sister's names for the longest time Ava: stuck being 'Uster and 'Ancy James: & yet if the roles were reversed they'd have had such an easy time James: yet more evidence you're a 😇 Ava: and very easy to spell when I got to School, thanks mum and dad Ava: you were alright, 'til it gets to your surname, bit unfair that James: I used to just do a J James: ironic now but I didn't like writing much when I was younger James: added the a & y later when everyone started calling me it Ava: It must've been something, to get to pass that on James: she did it without asking me James: but I know she could have fared a lot worse Ava: Oh, really Ava: I guess that's a thoughtful gesture on her part James: from an outsiders perspective, yes, but I understand why she actually did it Ava: Why? James: because she wanted me to step up & it was the most obvious way there is to say that she's mine & I had to Ava: Ah, that makes sense Ava: in that case, thoughtful as in well thought out but not beyond that Ava: she took your name from you that's James: I'm happy for Jay to have it now though, she'd hate a 'girly' name James: I would have had to find a nickname she could bear to be called in that instance Ava: Yes, at least she's the one who actually has the name, that's never gonna feel bad James: I don't remember where Matilda's came from, we were barely speaking then James: so that does feel worse Ava: at least there's an excellent book and character waiting James: very true James: & she had terrible parents Ava: You won't be getting a hat glued to your head any time soon James: today I won't, we've all learned so many 🐢 facts Ava: Go for esio trot first James: I will, I haven't read it before James: thank you, Ava Ava: You'll like it, and for Roald Dahl, it's pretty sweet Ava: no bad ideas before bed time, like James: does it have a happy ending? Ava: It does Ava: for humans and 🐢 alike James: I've missed you Ava: I've missed you Ava: Obviously couldn't commit the cliche of meeting me off the plane, but when can I see you? James: what are you doing tomorrow? Ava: Avoiding unpacking Ava: I think I've got a brunch date but beyond that, I'm free James: my dad is out of the office all day if you'd like to come & visit me Ava: I'd like that a lot Ava: I definitely will Ava: that'll be okay, right James: she's not going to also decide to visit me James: or talk to anyone that could see you doing so Ava: okay good Ava: Obviously you've thought it through but got a 😇 rep to protect James: I'll never be reckless when your halo is at stake, I assure you James: it's very important to me Ava: What about my 😈 Ava: You can do something about them too, yeah? James: absolutely James: those horns need to stay sharp, of course Ava: God you're hot James Ava: I've missed you so much you have no idea because I lack the words to explain it in any way that would convey just how hard it's been being so far away from you Ava: but I am very much ready to show you tomorrow Ava: and I'm not just talking about the holiday snaps that were not suitable for public display James: It's vital that the protagonist of my 1st novel is very multifaceted 😇 & 😈 which is why I wouldn't write it about just anyone James: I'll show you tomorrow, why it has to be you Ava: I'm so glad that it's me Ava: fuck James: I've lost hours thinking about the tan lines you potentially do or don't have, I'm very invested Ava: I have a strict no spoilers policy Ava: all will be revealed James: but I need to know Ava: 😏 Ava: It does seem cruel and unusual to make you wait when you've already been waiting so long Ava: too 😈 perhaps James: but sending gifts was very 😇 James: what decision are you going to make? Ava: It was just a little something Ava: if I had to get something every time I thought about you, we're talking grains of sand on the beach level Ava: I can't send you pictures, can I James: no, she has an app that restores any pictures I delete Ava: Hmm James: that said, you don't have any tattoos or anything clearly identifying Ava: that's true Ava: can she see the account of who's sent the pictures Ava: because it doesn't have to be me who sends them, or anyone else that actually exists to hunt down James: how many times are you going to go above & beyond to prove to me that you're too smart for King's? James: I believed you on the 1st tour Ava: I can be smart as long as we need to be smart Ava: and I had to make sure you wanted to talk to me after the 1st tour, of course James: I wanted to talk to you before the 1st tour, you know that Ava: I know Ava: Can I ask you something, if you promise to be honest James: yes Ava: Did you think badly of me for trying to pursue you when I knew you were married Ava: or what did you think of me, I guess James: I was too busy being glad that you wanted to James: but of course I wondered why James: I still wonder what it is that you could ever be interested in about me Ava: I can't profess to giving it particular or cohesive prior thought myself Ava: we both allowed some recklessness that day, clearly Ava: and I know you do, I'll write you a book one day Ava: but it'll take me a while to get down everything I find interesting and worthwhile about you James: I can wait Ava: Good Ava: One job at a time Ava: and this profile is looking pretty realistic and is as close to untraceable as is possible Ava: but I'm assuming she doesn't moonlight for MI5 James: do you? James: because you perhaps should Ava: 😏 Ava: Only to write my award-winning, world-changing exposé James: you're going to be a spectacular journalist Ava: Thank you 😊 Ava: I'll spare waxing lyrical about the vitality of a free press, don't think the readers will be about it when we could be talking more about my tan lines James: please do continue James: on whatever subject you feel the most passionate Ava: [a message request from this fake profile moment] James: [immediately accepts and immediately dies] James: oh Ava: you said passionate James: I did Ava: You're a subject I can get really worked up about, like James: I can see that James: & feel it Ava: Good Ava: Are you allowed to send photos to a fake girl or no? James: I don't care if the fake girl gets discovered James: she means nothing to me Ava: Poor fake girl Ava: still, can't be all bad James: it's not James: because now I can show you how much you mean James: [and does because FINALLY can send each other whatever they want] Ava: [what a glorious moment also over here like don't say ily don't say ily] Ava: OH James: Thrilled as I am to be behind a locked door, I'd be even gladder if you were here too Ava: yeah I Ava: feel that Ava: really feel it James: it's my turn to ask you a question James: do you want to hear the story of what would happen if we currently had all the time we could possibly want to really delve into 2 weeks of thoughts, dreams & wish fulfilment or do you want a narrative that's more realistically framed, so unfortunately there's not much opportunity for description or dialogue but instead every second is intensely action driven because we don't have a single one to waste? Ava: The latter Ava: I know the story, as the protagonist I've been living it with you Ava: Call mystery girl, she'll be as quiet as she can James: [does of course] Ava: Well James: I'm speechless James: but still here Ava: Please stay Ava: I hope you can stay James: I'll try Ava: Remember I told you this is different James: yes Ava: I really haven't felt like this before Ava: is what I'm saying Ava: I'm even more sure this is entirely new now James: understood James: I know you understand that it's the same for me Ava: I do James: Ava James: please stay too Ava: I will Ava: Literally nowhere else I'd rather be Ava: or no one else James: I'll try to understand that Ava: I'll try to make it clearer Ava: long as that may take Ava: not a quitter James: you've also never been unclear Ava: But you should know by now Ava: you know James: that's my error, not yours Ava: Shh James: I can't because Ava: Why? James: none of the blame for what I don't know rests on you Ava: but Ava: yeah, that's true Ava: but there's more ways I could show you Ava: tell you James: are there? Ava: yeah Ava: but you know Ava: scary James: that I do know for definite Ava: You don't think I'm 🙀 James: I think you're brave James: but you recognise when to be cautious Ava: I recognize it Ava: I rarely want to be cautious though James: we wouldn't have a story if you did Ava: 😏 okay Ava: I feel less bad James: don't feel bad at all James: please Ava: okay Ava: I'll try Ava: if you do James: you shake Frank's paw & I'll shake a 🐢's James: arm? whatever they have Ava: 🥰 you are so fucking cute Ava: and it's a deal James: [sends her a pic of him doing it because he can now #nerd] Ava: [send a video of Frank mugging her off like get away from me mother] James: 😂 Ava: I still agree to the terms and conditions Ava: he's just a diva and thinks I'm trying to give him an unwanted manipedi James: I can relate to the dread of an unwanted makeover James: tell him I apologise for laughing Ava: Dad duties? James: the reality of a very controlling wife Ava: 😑 Ava: Well we'll go shopping, one day James: only if Jay can come too, nobody hates having no influence over their own wardrobe more than she does Ava: Of course Ava: she's got to meet Frank James: she would love to, you honestly have no idea Ava: One day soon Ava: I can handle bumping into you at the park without being too 😍 James: I don't know whether to be happy or sad that you can apparently handle that Ava: I'm nothing if not over-ambitious Ava: and over-confident James: I like both of those things about you Ava: There's nothing I don't like about you James: I got it really wrong, you're not trying to age me, you're trying to kill me Ava: Never Ava: What would I do without you? James: you'd survive, as you're always saying Ava: 🥺 Ava: no James: it's okay, we don't have to find out James: I want you with me, not without me Ava: I need you James: Ava James: I haven't got in it me to walk away again, I mean it Ava: Then don't Ava: it isn't what I want Ava: but as well, I really don't think it's right, for you or for anyone, me included Ava: It wouldn't be easy, at all, but if I thought this was wrong, I wouldn't do it, I'd have to stop, somehow James: I know Ava: I'm not a bad person Ava: and neither are you James: you're a good person James: & being with you isn't what makes me a bad one Ava: You're a good one Ava: one of my favourites James: no, but you make me want to be better at being a person James: because you're one of my favourites too Ava: We're all just trying to get better at being people, yeah James: most of us Ava: The rest are gonna wake up and realize they wasted a lot of time pretending they had it all figured out, too late James: I'm so happy I met you Ava: That is definitely very mutual James: even if this all goes wrong again tomorrow or any time before how long we want it to last, I want you to know I won't be sorry about the start or the middle Ava: That means more than that phrase can convey James: & I want to emphasise I'm not only saying so because everything else in my life is going horribly James: if I was happy I'd want to share that with you too Ava: I love you James: Ava Ava: I couldn't not say it anymore, I'm sorry James: I don't want you to be sorry if you're not Ava: I'm not sorry that I mean it, or feel it Ava: but I am if I crossed a boundary James: you can say anything to me Ava: Well Ava: there it is James: what are we going to do about it? Ava: Up to you really Ava: we don't have to do anything Ava: do we? James: but that wouldn't be right James: things shouldn't go on as they are Ava: Sometimes they have to though Ava: anyway, does it even count as a declaration of love if I don't run to your house in the pouring rain in something made of white silk, like James: it counts that you're the 1st adult who has honestly said that to me Ava: Then I'll say it again Ava: I love you, James James: Then we need to find a way to be together properly Ava: Yeah? James: yes James: you can't be this important & the other most important person in my life not know that you exist James: or never have woken up next to me James: I still have no idea how beautiful you look when you're asleep Ava: We'll work it out Ava: be together properly James: I promise James: because I have no intention of breaking it Ava: I'm thinking maybe you want me dead too James: not even hypothetically James: I need you too much Ava: My legs feel like they ache from not being allowed to come run and find you right now James: I keep accidentally hurting you, don't I? James: Frank has no skills as a masseur I assume? James: IOU Ava: I'm holding you to that one like it's a bonafide promise too James: good James: because while I don't technically have any skills of my own, I'm confident you'll let me know if you like my attempts or not Ava: fake girl might be quiet as a mouse but that's not my style unless absolutely necessary James: that's why you're my favourite & she's my scapegoat Ava: 🥰😏 I can only be so sorry James: well, it's fine because apologies aren't what I wanna hear Ava: All I wanna hear is my alarm so it means I get to see you today James: almost looking forward to going to the office myself James: how unusual Ava: They're so welcome for the boost in morale, like James: if I could keep you on my desk all day, I would Ava: When the novel is ready and you're ready to be fired, then we can do that James: okay James: I'll pull a few more all-nighters James: see if I can't get these chapters finished Ava: I'll nap beside you Ava: at my most inspiring when I 😴 James: I find it hard to believe you'd be anything other than distracting Ava: Who, me? 😇 James: yes, you James: you're very beautiful, you know Ava: 😊 Ava: You're lovely James: it's true, you make me wish I knew how to paint Ava: You make me wish a lot of things, I get that James: tell me one day Ava: Every wish? James: yes Ava: Okay Ava: we can count how many have come true James: until they all have Ava: Happily ever after James: it would be over ambitious & over confident of me to suggest I'm capable of giving you anything close & I'm not anything close to being either Ava: You're just less talk, more make it happen Ava: you've shown that plenty already Ava: I believe in you, I always tell you James: I can always feel how sincere you're being when you do Ava: Good 'cos I don't lie Ava: even to be nice James: I like that about you most of all Ava: If I wasn't conceited before 😂 James: you weren't, it's fine Ava: Well Ava: 🤏 Ava: but it is fine Ava: not not fine enough to warrant stopping you complimenting me James: you couldn't stop me, darling Ava: is that so? James: of course James: even if you made me speechless again, compliments don't have to be spoken Ava: 🤤 Ava: can we put that to the test James: give me a minute James: [a dramatic pause that's longer than either of them would like] Ava: James? James: okay, test me Ava: How though? James: how do you think you can 😶? Ava: Oh, that's easy Ava: I just need the help of a friend James: it's easy to give you compliments Ava: I know, that's why I've gotta go hard over here Ava: bear with James: take all the time you need Ava: I won't need that long Ava: don't like wasting time with you ever James: are you saying you think you've already lost? Ava: Um, no Ava: I'm saying it won't be long until you can see the finished product and be 😶 Ava: how rude of you 😏 James: then it couldn't possibly be a waste of time Ava: [sends him a video on the fake profile] Ava: might wanna turn your sound way down James: well, now I want to turn it up Ava: do so at your own risk Ava: I'm very much alone rn so I could be as loud as is necessary James: [sends her a pic so she knows how into that video he was because worth a thousand words] Ava: Now that is a compliment James: like I said, it's easy to be complimentary towards you Ava: I can see that 🤭 James: I need to see you James: why the fuck isn't it tomorrow yet? Ava: It's actually so unfair Ava: dunno if we can claim starcrossed but you know James: it'll feel less tragic once I get in the shower & can actually turn the volume up Ava: You're really gonna inspire a sequel that easily, huh James: a saga James: longer than Twilight Ava: would just about see us through 'til morning Ava: me @ brunch 🥴 James: I'm wide awake if you are Ava: Of course Ava: new challenge Ava: make you speechless and get you to 💤 pass out, like James: I'm not sure if it's an advantage or disadvantage that I haven't slept well for the last 6 years Ava: We'll work that out together Ava: but wait Ava: say night now so I don't miss it later James: it'll definitely prove helpful in the morning since we have a habit of leaving cups of coffee untouched when we're together James: Oh Ava, you're so sweet James: goodnight for later, my darling Ava: True Ava: and Edward is so jealous Ava: you can't help being more interesting Ava: or better at sweet talk James: we'll make everyone jealous, one day James: when you're my girlfriend Ava: I can't wait Ava: legitimately James: me either Ava: Did you have many girlfriends before Ava: or just do hookups James: I didn't have any girlfriends before Ava: suppose you didn't have much time, nah Ava: not for serious ones James: I didn't want a serious one in school & my parents absolutely didn't want me to have one either, for all the good that did Ava: Makes sense Ava: parents rarely get what they want though, like you said James: I was having too much fun not being serious about anything, until I wasn't any more Ava: That's a lot of people Ava: if there's a time for it James: that's everyone I knew then & a lot of different people I also know now Ava: Yeah, it is a bit like they typecast this entire area most of the time James: I'll make every attempt to avoid it when I set the scene in my novel Ava: like you said too, fun 'til it ain't Ava: I always leave before then James: I always did too, until I got to rehab & leaving was no longer an option James: kind of its unique selling point Ava: How long ago was that? James: it's been years Ava: What did you go in for, if you don't mind me asking James: do you remember that expensive drug habit I mentioned as being one of the only things I used to care about? it honestly was Ava: I was just worried you were meant to be sober Ava: 'cos that would've been really awkward Ava: that's amazing though Ava: well done James: I'm mostly sober but sometimes I fuck that up, which is awkward, you're right Ava: I'm sorry Ava: that night was totally my idea, I steamrolled you so hard James: it was my bad idea to get drunk, that's not your fault James: it's also not your fault that I did something I shouldn't to try & stop myself from doing something else that I'd convinced myself that I shouldn't James: because I'm well aware of how well that doesn't work Ava: Alright Ava: but I'll be more supportive now I know, for the record Ava: though I see your logic there, even if it didn't exactly go to plan James: it went according to an even better plan James: because here we are James: & I don't want to spoil your fun, Ava Ava: I can't even claim it as my plan, sadly Ava: 'cos I couldn't even imagine we'd get here Ava: and you won't, you don't Ava: there's more than one way to have fun Ava: every time I've met up with you has been fun and I was only drinking one of those times so safe to say it isn't required, like James: tomorrow won't be any different, I promise James: despite the fact my office has never been fun before Ava: yeah but I've never been there before Ava: obviously the issue James: the main issue, absolutely Ava: having your dad as a co-worker is probably a fair 2nd James: technically he's my boss & how often he likes to make that known is the 3rd Ava: ick Ava: 🙄 Ava: he's not getting in the book James: I'll put him in the acknowledgements for spurring me on in getting the chapters done quickly Ava: 😂 A subtle dig is the best kind James: 🖋 vs ⚔ Ava: your 🤓 brain is sexy James: I'll happily say again that everything about you is Ava: I'll be even happier when I can hear you actually say it tomorrow James: you can hear me say it now James: I'll bring you into the 🚿 with me Ava: I love you James: [okay we skipping to tomorrow for my evil cockblocking deeds] James: Teddy's here Ava: Oh Ava: to visit or put in hours? James: the latter apparently, which he has wisely decided to do when my dad isn't here to supervise him Ava: Well, good for him Ava: right, what's the plan then James: I'm gonna go get Matty, she might as well here too since you can't be James: maybe she'll annoy him enough that he'll leave earlier than he's currently planning to Ava: Cross my fingers, like Ava: she's pretty sweet overall though James: Teddy really doesn't like children though Ava: I can't imagine him interacting with one tbf Ava: keep me posted then, I guess James: he dropped Jay when she was a bit older than Matty, it can't have helped matters James: if nothing else I'll try & leave earlier than I actually need to when I go to pick her up James: it won't give us long but it's the best I can do Ava: Kids are made of sturdy stuff, if my fam has taught me anything Ava: bless him Ava: that's cool Ava: the girls were going on to the shops so I'll just join them James: okay Ava: can't be helped, can it James: not yet James: but I'm still sorry Ava: not your fault James: [sends her all the deets because he's booked her a massage since he can't give her one & she's now got loads of spare time, like ILY babe] Ava: You didn't have to do that Ava: but as far as 2nd best options go Ava: I've lucked out there, thank you James: I'm aware how frustrating all of this is, in every possible aspect of the word James: so hopefully this will help Ava: It is Ava: but you're worth it to me so I'm in if you are Ava: though probably warn me beforehand if it's that kind of massage, otherwise it could get awkward James: 😂 I have heard she's very good but I can't personally vouch for whether or not that's why she's as highly recommended as she is James: you'll have to let me know Ava: 😏 I'll let you know if your friends are shameless perverts or not, yeah James: thank you James: it would be useful information to have because both my parents have separately been there Ava: 😬 Ava: do you reckon that's ever happened Ava: having an affair with the same person by accident James: it must have at some point Ava: I mean, a thruple is the last resort of every middle-aged couple wanting to reignite things so give it a go James: thank god I'm not yet middle aged & my marriage is dead in the water James: it was strange enough when a friend made a pass at me at a party who I know had slept with her previously without seeking us it out Ava: as much as it pains me you aren't, babe Ava: she's not my type either sorry James: understandable, he wasn't mine Ava: you straight? James: shocking, I know Ava: Again, tragically not but I thought I better check 😉 James: as much as she'd probably love that to be the reason I want to leave her, it's not Ava: That cliche really is played out though James: agreed, it's not one of my preferred cliches Ava: Fine, fine, I WON'T sleep with the masseuse, you don't have to beg James: if you could not sleep with anyone else, regardless of their profession, that'd be a relief Ava: 'Course I won't Ava: I love you, there'd be no point James: I miss you so much Ava: I know, I miss you too Ava: not just because all my friends seem to have got new boyfriends at once that they all had to talk about James: two fake profiles would be a step too far, right? Ava: 🤏 just Ava: anyway, fake girl means nothing Ava: I don't wanna claim fake boy either, just you James: maybe you should come to the office & let Teddy see you, it would get everything out in the open Ava: I don't think you're ready for that, are you James: there is no way to ready myself for it though, is there? Ava: There's some ways Ava: even if you know your wife is obviously gonna be a nightmare regardless Ava: can ease everyone else in Ava: maybe mention you've met someone to him? see how he is with that first James: I don't really want to involve him to such a dramatic degree, yours is a much better idea Ava: Believe me, I wanna be there as much as you want me there Ava: but I don't wanna fuck it up James: me either, it's gotten so bad with her James: as bad as it's ever been Ava: What are you going to do? James: I don't know, I tried to leave when...after I left you & James: well, I'm still there, aren't I? Ava: It's really fucking complicated Ava: and that's an understatement Ava: it will probably be worse after, when you do leave Ava: but then, when she can't follow through with her threats, 'cos it's all bullshit, what can she do, you know what I mean James: she's said things that mean I can't risk leaving her alone with the children at all now James: not that I particularly did before but there were things I believed she'd do then & things I didn't actually Ava: You'd have to take them with you Ava: so that means you need to keep your place Ava: but I assume the chances of her leaving are slim to none Ava: unless Ava: hmm James: she's said she wants to go, start over, but that means nothing James: I know she'd refuse to just to spite me Ava: Appearance is everything with her, yeah? James: it is Ava: you need to do something that will make her leave then, feel like she's made the decision Ava: like if you were gay, something that she can't make go away on the socials James: we can't have a baby just so she'll fuck off Ava: No, I can't even have news of a fake baby getting back to my parents Ava: but seriously Ava: if we did out us, show people we were Ava: would she find a way to hack that or no? James: she'd find a way to destroy your entire life Ava: No she wouldn't Ava: she's doing that to yours, has been for too long James: she would, Ava James: she's done it before, to your sister, to any other girls she's found out about James: & I didn't even care about them the way I do about you Ava: What could she possibly say about me? Ava: I'm a homewrecker? If she wants everyone to know how unhappily married she is Ava: Everyone knows all about my weird family, I've dealt with that for years Ava: Anything she could say, I'd own up to or I'd prove wrong, she doesn't control my narrative James: even if you are right, she still controls mine James: my children's James: I'm not allowed to just take them, am I? She'll have me arrested or something Ava: Only mentally Ava: you can break that, you will Ava: 'cos she doesn't provide any finances, she doesn't look after the kids, what does she offer, like Ava: there is no hold over you but her mental one Ava: Your name is on their birth certificates too, you're as entitled to be with them Ava: anyway, you don't have to go anywhere, who owns your flat, like? James: my dad owns everything Ava: Yeah, your dad Ava: He's not going to put his grandkids out, even if he doesn't side with you Ava: and if it comes to it, he'll have to have you both out whilst you sort out the divorce Ava: there's no way she's automatically entitled to that flat, it isn't either of yours Ava: and she's not automatically entitled to the kids, especially with all the worrying things she's said, yeah James: but I'm not either, I'm an addict Ava: Recovered, literally went to rehab Ava: and let's be honest, half this town is on it to that degree but they're not owning up and calling it a problem Ava: you did that and you sorted it out James: what if they aren't actually mine? James: she's cheated as much as I have Ava: Oh, James Ava: I don't know Ava: you could find out Ava: if you were ready for that but Ava: I see the appeal of not knowing Ava: she probably does though, if she's thought to use it against you before, it's at least crossed her mind too James: as much as she's said it, I've never actually believed her James: but what if I find out that they aren't, it'll be the end, nothing else that we've just said would even have any relevance James: I can't lose them, Ava, I'd rather stay with her forever than let that happen Ava: Of course Ava: they're yours, you raised them Ava: does she Ava: stupid question but does she actually want them? James: no James: she told me she never did, either of them Ava: I don't Ava: as spiteful as she is Ava: would she keep two kids she doesn't love or want Ava: what about her parents, what do they think? James: they're both at their wits end Ava: They'd back you, then James: they know they can't back her James: too much has happened that her mum knows about Ava: If you have proof and people backing you that she's unfit to be the sole provider, then she'd have to sort out visitation and work with you Ava: and I can't see her bothering, if she means all she's said Ava: but Ava: I don't know Ava: it's scary James: if she knows it's you I'm with, I honestly couldn't guarantee anything with regards to what she would or wouldn't do James: her strange obsession with your siblings is something I've never quite understood Ava: None of this is about me, or my wellbeing Ava: I don't care, there's nothing she can do to me Ava: if that was all we were worried about I'd move myself in today but it ain't James: but what I'm saying is, she could go further than we're thinking she would with regards to the children because she doesn't want me to be happy with you specifically James: not just because she doesn't want me to be happy ever Ava: Okay, I get it Ava: So you'll either stay, forever Ava: or she'll take the kids and you'll have to battle in the courts to see them James: that's how it appears James: & if they aren't mine, she just takes them if I don't stay forever Ava: That's why if you do decide to leave Ava: you need to know that first James: I'm scared to know it Ava: That's understandable Ava: there's few things scarier that I can think of James: Matty wouldn't remember if I disappeared from her life now but Jay needs me Ava: You aren't going to just disappear Ava: whatever you decide, whatever happens, we won't let it be that James: can you forget everything I said about trying to be sober, please, I really need a drink James: lots of drinks actually Ava: Tell whoever you need to that you need to go home, okay Ava: then come meet me Ava: I shouldn't have started this conversation right now, I'm so sorry Ava: come be with me James: I can't, you've got a massage to get to & that's the least of what's expected of me James: not leaving Ava: Okay, have you got Matty? Ava: Because go do that then, spend some time with her James: I don't think I should, she'll pick up on how I feel & then nobody'll get any work done Ava: Alright, are you sure you want to stay, you'll be alright? James: I'll be fine Ava: I'll leave you to it then Ava: try to distract yourself, sure Teddy will help you James: I'll talk to you later Ava: Sure, no worries James: [later] James: I'm sorry Ava: I totally get it Ava: well, I don't, but I totally get that too Ava: I'm sorry as well James: everything is indescribably terrible Ava: Yeah Ava: it's bad James: I'm so sorry, Ava Ava: You don't have to say sorry to me Ava: I chose what I chose Ava: you didn't know what you were signing up for, how could you James: now you know what you're signing up for, if you don't want to be any more, I understand Ava: Don't say that James: I have to say it Ava: Now you have then but I'm ignoring you James: please don't Ava: I could never, you know how I feel Ava: that's not changing, it can't James: I know & you know I don't want it to Ava: I just wish there was something I could do Ava: to actually help James: you do help James: more than I can find words to express Ava: I'm not gonna bring it all up again but Ava: all I can think is we have two spare rooms at mine, alright Ava: if you ever need them James: what about your parents? Ava: I could talk to them Ava: and both rooms have bathrooms, and it's only me on that floor as well so the girls wouldn't have to feel like they've got to meet loads of new people James: but what could you possibly say? Ava: As much of the truth as they need to know Ava: Don't worry about that, they're easier to sort than any of the rest of this, yeah James: I'm fairly certain that'd be the whole truth & that wouldn't be easy Ava: They're big rooms, the girls could share or you could have one with Matty Ava: I'm saying, we don't have to say you could as easily share mine James: I wouldn't want someone as fucked up as me going out with either of my daughters Ava: You aren't Ava: it'll just be the age gap but they'll get over that Ava: anyway, the space is there, that's about all I've come up with since earlier James: thank you James: for even trying to come up with anything while I've just been James: again, I don't know what the word is, or could be Ava: You needed to stop Ava: as much as you ever can James: & now I need to see you but it can never just be that simple Ava: Does Jay have anything on tonight, like a club or a lesson or? James: ballet, so I have to stay because she hates it Ava: Fair enough Ava: Is lunch tomorrow an option or? James: I'll make sure it is Ava: Okay, I'll see you then Ava: could you do a phonecall during ballet, even for five minutes Ava: just so I can hear your voice, tell you all the things I wanna James: no promises Ava: of course James: aren't you glad you came back from holiday to all this Ava: I wasn't planning to stay there forever regardless Ava: you know how much I missed you Ava: still do James: tell me about it, or the massage, or your friends' boyfriends, anything that isn't the subject of my misery Ava: It was a good massage Ava: though the way my shoulders killed, you wouldn't think I'd just been on holiday Ava: you definitely need to try it yourself James: I'll book us in together next time Ava: That'll be perfect James: but before I do, did she try & seduce you? Ava: 😂 Ava: not enough to convince me I need to go back every fortnight 💔 James: did you not tell her I've got a best selling novel to write? Ava: Of course Ava: doing the hard sell on everyone for you, babe James: I appreciate it, very much Ava: I appreciate you Ava: What time will you be back, I'll uber eats you something for dinner Ava: you must be exhausted James: only if you order the same thing, it'll almost be like having dinner together Ava: You have the best ideas James: [a time that he'll be back] Ava: It's a date James: I'll dress up for you James: get out of these work clothes Ava: 😳 'scuse you Ava: warn me before you're gonna be that hot please James: if you were warned, you'd be less likely to 😳 Ava: I'll always blush for you Ava: like it or not James: you know how much I like it Ava: I seriously wish you were here Ava: such a waste of pink James: I wish you were here Ava: Gutted my ballet days are behind me James: she doesn't want to go, is there anywhere we actually could meet? Ava: With the kids? Ava: I hear that new soft play does a good coffee James: okay Ava: It's one place adults are actually encouraged to chat to each other so it won't be weird to Jay James: as soon as I tell her she doesn't have to put her tutu on, that's all she'll care about Ava: Bless her James: not to mention the bun, that's a war I'm happy to call a ceasefire on Ava: I'll put my hair down Ava: not trigger her 😂 James: just me then 😍 Ava: it's still a date, like Ava: got to keep you on your toes James: can we draw the line at a pirouette though please? I'm very tired Ava: alright, another time 😏 James: tomorrow maybe Ava: you'll feel up to it then? Ava: planning on a 💤 night of sleep James: you said the coffee's good James: if I actually manage to drink it, who knows Ava: Don't you know you're too big for the ball pit? James: that's an outrageous thing to say! after the day I've had, I couldn't deserve a ball pit more James: you've really devastated me there Ava: Okay, okay, I'm sorry Ava: sneaky hold my hand under the balls? Ava: please James: regardless of your apology, I'm gonna have to throw you in James: so yes Ava: 😱 Ava: now that's actually outrageous James: 😏 Ava: 😈 Ava: how you play James: with you Ava: so inappropriate to make me 😳 in soft play James: oh, so you want best behaviour? James: I can do that too Ava: No Ava: never said that Ava: I might like inappropriate James: I also think you might, let's find out Ava: 🥰 Ava: Let's James: Ava James: I seriously don't know what I would do without you James: no, that's wrong actually, I do. I'd be in such a state right now, really drunk or worse James: because it's not talking about it that's the problem James: we have to keep talking about it, okay? James: I have to figure out what I'm going to do Ava: I love you, James Ava: of course we can keep talking, I'm not going to leave you Ava: whatever you need means just that Ava: you will figure it out Ava: You will not lose them, okay, whatever that takes James: but what you need is just as important & if that's ever taking a step back, not talking about it or whatever else, do it Ava: Of course Ava: I will, I'll try James: good, I've already dragged you into this & I refuse to also drag you down Ava: You'll see how hard it is to do that in the ball pit James: 😂 Ava: Not without a fight, ever James: if they don't use that as the film tagline, such a waste Ava: They might want you as lead for that Ava: negotiations are ongoing James: you're the face, it's non-negotiable Ava: 🥺 I wanna kiss your face James: I want to press my lips against every single bit of your skin, all the time Ava: Oh James: there's never enough hours for everything I want to do with you Ava: Making up for all that lost time should be very, very good James: we're going to need days, weeks, months James: I want to give you that Ava: You can promise James: can I? Ava: Yeah Ava: we'll find a way, right? James: I promise you Ava: 💙 Ava: I promise you it'll get better James: of course, there's no crying in the ballpit Ava: not even when I beat you James: hypothetically not even then, but you won't so it's no problem Ava: 😏 that's fighting talk James: yes, it very much is Ava: Don't try to swoon your way to victory Ava: I'm definitely not that easy, nope James: I'm not Mr Darcy James: we can both do better than that James: that said, I am wearing a white shirt Ava: Shame there's not a good lake around James: but we should still go swimming some time Ava: Only if you pick the bikini Ava: tradition now James: of course, I'd hate to break tradition Ava: take you off the alumnus James: & then how would I meet girls Ava: 😲 Ava: Cheek James: that's all it is, I assure you Ava: not a threat then? James: no James: I'm not planning to lose you in the ball pit Ava: Good luck Ava: take more than a subtle hint to get rid of me, babe James: it'd be very bad luck Ava: 🍀 James: how soon can you be there? Ava: it isn't far, is it Ava: 15-20 minutes James: okay Ava: You better show up first so I can tell 'em I'm meeting you Ava: convincing a not-bothered 6-year-old I have an imaginary child is one thing Ava: reception will just be getting 🚨 James: I'll let you know when we do Ava: 👍 Ava: I'm looking forward to it Ava: even if it'll be odd to leave it at a kiss on the cheek James: & very odd for you & Jay to finally be in the same place Ava: Yeah, you sure you're alright with it? Ava: No doubt she'll totally blank me, who wouldn't when faced with the joy of soft play James: obviously it's far from ideal for me or you but Ava: I just wanna see you Ava: I'm fine with it James: I know I should probably care more but I swear, if this day ends without seeing you James: I will actually lose my mind Ava: We're not doing anything wrong Ava: you can't help it if random women talk to you at soft play Ava: have to keep you literally locked up to avoid that so James: It does happen a lot & yet I've so far avoided being chained to the wall Ava: Exactly Ava: not even anything noteworthy Ava: and I'm not gonna like Ava: overstep or be too much with either of the girls, you don't need to worry Ava: I wouldn't do that, or anything you weren't comfortable with James: I'm not worried about that James: I'd never have brought Matty over to your house if I thought it was going to make either of us feel uncomfortable Ava: 'Course Ava: you're a good dad James: but if you do feel anything close to it, with Jay or with anything, just tell me Ava: I will Ava: You're doing this well, you know James: I'm trying to Ava: And if she ever says, you know Ava: she doesn't like me or whatever Ava: then you can tell me and we won't meet when you have to be with them Ava: take it slower Ava: I know it would make it harder but I know they come first and I'm totally cool with that James: you're doing this really well too Ava: I hope so Ava: it's new territory for both of us, all of us Ava: we'll work this out too James: I trust you, Ava Ava: Thank you Ava: you can Ava: I'm not gonna let you down James: but you can, like you said, we're all just trying to get better at being people, aren't we Ava: Yeah, okay Ava: Too cocky? Ava: I'll try really, really hard not to let you down, but no promises Ava: How's that? James: I don't want you to think that me thinking you're perfect means you have to be James: 😇 & 😈 remember, mistakes are what rewrites exist for & I already made mine in trying to let you go James: you're allowed to get it wrong too Ava: I just really don't want to hurt you James: I don't want to hurt you either Ava: as long as we know that, even if we do by accident or whatever Ava: that's better, isn't it Ava: than me leaving you alone James: anything would be better than that James: but yes, especially if we know what we want & don't want James: I'd let you hurt me over & over again if it meant you didn't leave but I know that isn't what you want Ava: Never ever Ava: even thinking about it is making me hurt James: so we're not going to let it happen even hypothetically Ava: only fun hypotheticals James: like the traffic not being horrendous so I get to soft play before the children start a riot James: because we're finally ready to go Ava: That's so hypothetical it borders on a pipe dream but maybe the universe will play fair after the day you've had 🙏🤞 James: so much so that I'm hypothetically considering walking Ava: how many hypothetical stops would you have to make 'cos she wants to look at something or pick something up she shouldn't Ava: Frank can make a ten minute walk take a good thirty, easy James: enough that I could hypothetically catch my breath after all the cigarette breaks I've had today & I might not hypothetically pass out Ava: Just thinking of your health, clearly James: I should quit, again Ava: How long did you manage? James: which time? Ava: 😏 most successful time then James: 6 months maybe Ava: Not to be sniffed at Ava: longer than I've gone and I'm a shameless 'social' smoker as if that's alright James: how long have you managed? Ava: However long between whenever I've been offered one Ava: I've not tried really James: do you want me to not offer you any? Ava: Sounds like you need to catch your breath Ava: take that as you will James: okay Ava: 😊 Ava: Tell me when I need to leave James: [a long enough pause] James: you can leave now, if you'd like Ava: On my way Ava: how strict is your sweet policy? James: arguably not as strict as it should be, but I don't share that hypothetical opinion Ava: I'll stop in the shop on the way Ava: now, do I guess and see how my choice rates or do I cheat and ask you what the faves are Ava: 🤔 James: you heard me say I trust you, right? Ava: Okay, I got this James: I believe it & in you, darling Ava: 😍 you could say that again Ava: if you liked James: I've got no end of faith in you, Ava Ava: Ugh, bye Ava: I've melted James: what I'm hearing is that I'm going to have to pour you into the ball pit? Ava: If you can pick me up off the floor, yes Ava: also what I'm hearing is you want a treat too, noted James: of course I'll pick you up Ava: Actually trying to kill me Ava: I'm trying to walk, like James: if I could carry you over the threshold of this soft play centre, I would Ava: Babe 😩 James: not the time nor the place, understood Ava: Sadly not James: when the filmmaker takes certain liberties with the source material, we'll attempt it then Ava: Directors cut, yeah James: yes Ava: right, 'scuse me whilst I focus Ava: 🍭🍫🍬 important decisions to be made James: you're sweeter than any of it Ava: James James: sorry, you need to concentrate 😶 Ava: 😈 you Ava: but 😇 at the same time Ava: how do you do it? James: how do you? Ava: Touche Ava: maybe we're a good match James: I think we are Ava: What a coincidence Ava: Me too James: 🍀 Ava: [do we wanna end it here and just work out how it goes?] James: [yeah we can do] Ava: [I'm saying she went animal-themed and got her like percy pigs and an animal bar and the animal biscuits etc and got Matty some rusks or something soz baby snacks aren't as fun and then got him some candy cigarettes] James: [we all know that'd go down amazingly well done babe & I'm saying the baby made the loudest sound when she saw her again like oh hey girl] Ava: [that would be so cute] James: [we all know they already like each other] Ava: [lbr you haven't got any competition in Chloe, all you need to do is not be a massive bitch] James: [mhhmmm I'm also saying he let Jay decide what she wanted to wear because she deserves that thank you] Ava: [when you're busy living your best life so I assume you'll be alright even if you're like hello stranger?] James: [she'd be in such a good mood thankfully] Ava: [we all deserve this to be a moment, lads] James: [even if it can't be as much of a moment as you'd both like, keep it sneaky lads] Ava: [🐍[ James: [the self control required after the day they've had and how highkey their emotions are rn] Ava: [truly, at least no adults are there to pick up on what is way more than the vibe] James: [the receptionist been knew but who's she telling] Ava: [lmao imagine the amount of people conducting sneaky affairs she stay in her lane] James: [I bet they would cos their kids could not be more distracted] Ava: [its perfect tbh] James: [100% am throwing her in the ballpit excuse us children] Ava: [must be done] James: [let him be young goddamn it, he was robbed] Ava: [be young and have fun] James: [Jau just talking about soft play constantly for the foreseeable but Chloe none the wiser lol] Ava: [gonna steal your kids and your man 'cos you don't want 'em James: [they gotta come back because not only is it a great cover it'd be a really swag soft play like better than the one Louise always goes to even because posh people] Ava: [remember on scummymummies they said that one did booze lol they've got so fancy] James: [you're missing out Chlo, soz not soz] Ava: [literally no one is soz, not even your baby] James: [the baby should have her tort with her because feels] Ava: [awh yas] James: [no other kids steal it thank you] Ava: [baby fight lmao] James: [I hope not because the mum would be so judgey cos he's young & Ava's even younger] James: [not sorry we all serving looks & living our best lives at this soft play] Ava: [no one shall bring them down rn or I'll brawl] James: [but I do hope Jay's hair is the messiest it's ever been because fuck you chloe] Ava: [i always wonder what chloe is actually doing 'cos like, nothing ever is the tea] James: [truly how much shopping can you do girl] Ava: [waiting for your fairytale in your sham of a life, like] James: [ooh Ava should do something with Jay's hair that she actually likes cos maybe she's getting annoyed at it while she's trying to play & live her best life and James is like pikachu meme what is this witchcraft but she thinks he's like 😧 how dare you for the hottest of secs] Ava: [a mood just like lowkey how dare you but also how teach me lmao] James: [just falling more in love with the bae by the second over here] Ava: [queen of understated and simple shoutout to your mother for that one] James: [yas I've always loved that about Bea] Ava: [the levels of fuss Chloe is is not a mood for anyone] James: [one of many reasons Jay hates you babe] Ava: [those poor kids she ends up having like rip] James: [I hope she only dresses James now when they are going out because lord] Ava: [poor boy not a mood] James: [especially now you got the hottest bae ever] Ava: [nothing you can do to cockblock this honey] James: [she should obvs find the fake profile like immediately though] Ava: [we can do that next] James: [& if she messages it Ava will be able to see what she's like] Ava: [the delight that is, okay letgo]

Why I'm leaving the fandom

Hey guys. As I write this I know that you may not understand but I must still explain my leaving the fandom. I am not who I was when I joined tumblr. Don't worry! This is a good thing! Mentally I was in struggling with my faith, acceptance issues and a lack of guidance which led to my reaching out in damaging places.

Recently I went to a church conference and my whole world flipped upside down. I realized there was such a peace and serenity there where I was able to freely be myself. I had been struggling with knowing what I would do in the future and so I turned to music. I wasn't satisfied with the genre I had to chosen to hear. I had heard and saw too much hypocrisy in the lives of many of these singers that claimed to have God in their lives. I knew for a fact that God was real but I also was tired of fighting and struggling to survive in a world that criticizes the unknown and different. At the conference I found something real. These people loved me for who I was no matter what and the love that was shown to each other blew me away. Strangers that I had never known (and honestly probably wouldn't have interacted with in the outside world) were willing to say hi and introduce themselves and cared about me. The love I felt and saw demonstrated to people of ALL different shapes, colors, sizes, political viewpoints, ethnicities, etc was so astounding and amazing. I couldn't understand.

But then I got saved!

I realized that the people here even when they didn't agree, understood that they needed to be like Jesus and show love. Getting saved I felt the completeness that I never had. These wounds inside that I didn't know existed were being healed and fixed. I cried multiple times because I had never felt that way. I've grown up in church and I saw the love but I never really fully understood how people could care until then.

I'm in this insane state of happiness that won't go away. It's the constant joy in my heart that I absolutely love. I want to dedicate my life to following Jesus and doing what he wants best for me. Unfortunately, listening to Taylor's music and watching rep tour just felt wrong. I was being torn apart from God because that connection was being damaged. I don't completely know what caused it but when I was listening it was like those wounds were being reopened and I was falling apart. Obviously you may not agree with my decisions but continuing to sneak and hide what used to be a form of coping hurt my relationships with friends and family and now my connection with Jesus.

I love the connections and the bonds I made with each and every one of you guys but you need to know. I would love to still be friends if you would like to. This blog is changing from an obsession with Taylor to just me being what I need to be to better myself and the life I form following the path of God.

I must insist that this is my own decision and not the decision of someone else. This is straight from my heart and hope you still love me for who I am becoming.

Thank you,

Jessica Pérez

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

“The World’s Smallest Violin” [13]

~The Darkmoon Faire~

I saw him first. The case to my violin fit perfectly in my hand as I walked. Braizers spat violet flames. The Darkmoon Faire was a carnival full of magic and mystery. It only seemed to remind me of Lisa.

It was late in the evening, where shadows played tricks on the mind and people flocked like moths to the one source of light. Rides with blinking bulbs were blocked by crowds as I strolled to the patch of picnic tables and set down my case.

“So who won?” I asked Kalec.

Kalec’s eyes were wide upon first seeing me, but there were more pressing sights, specifically him. His leather armor was tattered and the cream-colored shirt underneath was in shreds.

Kalec didn't answer. He simply took a long drink from his mug and muttered in a hoarse voice, “Wrath’s a bastard.”

The wooden seat creaked as I sat down across from him. I edged my violin case to the side and positioned my bright-colored boots on one of the ledges below. “At least he can't say you’re invisible anymore.”

Kalec just out his jaw and my outfit. “Neither can he say that about you. What in Azeroth’s name are you wearing?”

“This?” I glanced down at the glistening teal fabric that would mean death in my rogue profession. That was not my job today. Gallywix–erm, Jastor had paid me, not in gold, but with a gig. He must’ve noticed the sheet music lying around my house. I wasn't serious about my music, but this opportunity lifted my suspicious mood. It seemed like a secret message from Jastor, specifically saying, ‘I like you, but I can still stick you wherever I want, Red–be a lamb and skin an exotic animal for my Pleasure Palace.’ Maybe it wasn't entirely that, but somewhere along those lines.

“Performers wear exotic things, and I thought you knew it's my job to embarrass you.” I teased.

“I thought your job was making me uncomfortable.”

“That’s part time. Different hours.”

“Ah. My mistake.”

Kalec sighed. His massive shoulder slumped forward, and I caught a glimpse of the bruises left behind in Wrathion’s wake. I squinted at a deep gash above his brow, “Wrath really did a number on you.”

“I don't know who taught him to punch that hard, or throw dirt in my face–” Kalec took one glance at my face. “–nevermind.”

I was about to say something else when Kalec’s gaze left me. He was staring at something behind me. It left him with a puzzled expression.

“You know...I think I need to go find something,” Kalec stood abruptly from the table. His mug still remained where it was, little drops of dew chasing each other down to the wooden counter.

“What's that?” I asked.

He smirked. “The world’s smallest violin.”

He ran off without another word. When he was out of sight, I glanced down at his unpaid drink and sighed. He didn't even leave me any. That's not funny.

“Eona?”

I looked up at a dark hooded figure. He was disguised well, but his posture was too perfect to be anyone else. I recognized the shadows of his face and smiled. “Hi, Tall, Dark and Mysterious.”

Anduin eased into Kalec’s empty spot, fixing his brown hood as he cast a look around. His stare trickled down to my outfit, “Greetings, you look...stunning.”

I tucked my bangs behind my ear, “Thanks, I guess we’re both wearing disguises. What’s the story behind yours?”

“You first,” He chided, resting his arms on the table.

We glanced up as fireworks fizzled across the cloudy twilight sky. When I shrugged my shoulders, the rubbery fabric seemed to give off its own light. It hugged my figure well and left my arms bare to the gentle touch of the breeze. “I play music. Jastor set it up for me.”

“You play?”Andy glanced at the black case with interest.

“Mhm.”

He grinned. “I’ll have to hear you sometime.”

I bobbed my head at his faded leathers. “And you?”

“Genn thinks that he's the new authority figure in my life and grounded me. I snuck out,” He explained with just a hint of irritation.

My eyebrow rose, and I wore a playful smile as I said, “How devious.”

“You should see me when I’m playing Hearthstone,” He replied.

I laughed, my fingers locking into knots on the table.

“So why did you come here?” I asked.

“To see you, actually...I have something for you.” Andy’s gloved hands searched his coat pockets until he came across a crinkly item. He gave me a letter.

“What's this?” I stared at the parchment. There wasn't wax sealing the opening, and the paper looked too fragile to be new. I glanced up at him for an answer.

“Not too long ago, you sent me a letter when…” Anduin paused. The words that came next were barely above a croak. “When my father died.”

My eyes widened. He went on, “I can't thank you enough for sending that...it gave me hope. I wrote a letter to you, in response to it, but I wanted to give it to you myself...and I have no idea how you got yours to Stormwind Keep.”

I smirked, but I didn't reveal my secret yet. I held up the letter, “Do you mind…?”

“No, not at all. It's for you, please,” Andy made an encouraging gesture toward it with his hand. The paper whispered it's protest as I undid the flap and my eyes flit over the slightly aged words,

My Dearest Eona,

I miss you more than ever. I miss your warmth, your liveliness, your laugh. I loathe the formality and distance that others treat me with, especially now. My father is gone, and I do not even have the luxury to grieve. There’s just the invasion...and the throne.

“You sound like you were in love with me,” I couldn’t stop my lips from curving up. He did write me one or two letters when we dated. I loved them–I think they’re probably still at my house. The curse of the dragon, finding value in everything. I can never throw anything away.

“I cared about you very much, and it was an emotional time.” Anduin licked his lips. His face had aged twenty years. I continued on,

Yes, I did get your last letter, and I don't know how you did it. How did you get the Alliance to accept your letter? It’s another one of the beautiful mysteries I remember about you, and hopefully one day, you will tell me. It is still my objective to achieve peace, I just wish my father would have seen it...the pain that I still receive from when Garrosh dropped the bell seems like a reminder. A reminder that in the end, I’m broken. A reminder that I failed once before, and it can happen again. I just hope everyone else doesn’t suffer with me.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I lost my father, but at least I still have you, Pink Rose. I wish you all the luck in the world to fight the Legion.

~Always Yours,

Anduin

For a long moment, my attention lingered on the last pair of perfect cursive words. Always Yours. We had gone our separate ways after Pandaria–I even started to see someone else when I was chasing Garrosh across a lively Draenor. Was it as serious as what I had with Anduin? Perhaps not. But this letter wasn't that old–a year, at least. It was recent.

Wait...pain from the bell?

I remembered my deal with Alexstrasza the Life Binder. I would spend time on the icy continent of Northrend, and she would heal Anduin’s wounds from the incident. I did what I was told. I endured my pain so she could take away his. But now...it was all for nothing.

I glanced up at Andy’s face, shocked by how much older he seemed than a mere handful of years ago. I finally recognized the slight indent of his brow, not out of concentration, but of restrained agony.

Anduin knew nothing of the deal, and I didn't want to discuss it now. Everything else I had read came back to me.

“You’re not broken, Andy,” I said, reaching across the table to give his hand a comforting squeeze. “Your father would be proud of you. You are a magnificent ruler.”

How could Varian not be proud? He’s so endearing–DAMMIT.

Anduin smiled, but it appeared more like a grimace. The air had gone from merry to melancholy. He dipped his head, “I believe you...thank you, Eona.”

He lies. I hide. We really are quite a pair.

As silence settled upon us, I plopped a few of my earnings in Kalec’s empty mug and slid it away. The blissful mirth of others mocked our ears. Two kids sped past, chasing one another. Despite the foul mood, a smile crossed my face.

“You like kids?”

“Hmm?” I glanced back up with surprise, my chin propped up by my elbows. Anduin’s gaze was curious. I said, “Yes. I babysit for Aggra and Go’el sometimes…”

“You never struck me as someone who wanted children,” Andy’s tone was softer than the hollow form it had taken on earlier. There was more life in his eyes.

“Liking little ones doesn't mean the same as wanting them,” I cautioned with a finger, “but in this case...I do. There weren’t a lot of children around on...where I was raised. I always thought it would be nice.”

It was a sad, hopeful dream born of a crumbling rock and the girl that lived on it. A cozy hearth. A jubilant family. My mother would dismiss it, finding it unfulfilling. In a way, I had already come very close to it. But I wasn't there.

“Let’s play a game,” Anduin said, straightening himself and returning to his poised, elegant state of sitting.

I smirked, “Andy, we both know you’ll beat my ass at Hearthstone. You don't have to prove that point again.”

“Not that,” I earned a chuckle from him. Andy continued, “We’ve been catching up already, but I want to try a different way.”

“Alright…” I found myself stiffening, as if expecting a blow. “What do you propose?”

Anduin stood from the table and presented his hand to me. “Truth or Tale?”

“You first.” I replied, rising from the picnic table with my instrument case in hand.

We walked side by side, a shady stranger and a wild-looking gypsy touring the Darkmoon Faire. Sizzles and pops and flashes tricked my senses as we strolled together. Anduin had offered to hold my case like the courteous gentleman he was, but I politely refused.

“Alright, I think I’ve got one,” Andy replied as we continued down the dirt row and passed tents full of applause. “I thought I saw my mother attend my father’s funeral.”

My feet came to a halt on the earthen path. He never mentioned his mother before.

“Truth?” I replied, willing my legs to keep moving as we heard the soft beckoning of the harbor.

Andy nodded. I asked, “You really think you saw her?”

“I never even met her; I barely know what she looks like. Used to have dreams about her when I was younger…” Anduin was full of wistfulness as he seemed to see something else besides the pointed roofs of tents. After a while he returned to the present. “Your turn.”

“Um…” My grip tightened on my case as I thought of what I could say. Hmm, should I use…? No, that’s too personal. How about…

“Vol’jin is the actual owner of my house,” I said.

Andy’s eyebrows furrowed. “Tale?”

There was a slight shake of my head. “Truth.”

“How come?” Andy asked. We came to the end of the Darkmoon Faire, looking out at the sea that surrounded the whole island. Waves reached out across the sand for a lost loved one that was no longer there.

“After chasing Garrosh…” Across Draenor. “we decided it was in everyone’s best interest that I retire.”

“How come?”

I leaned my case against the dark wood of the dock and faced the yearning waves.

“It's your turn.” I rasped.

Tell me about something crazy that happened to you

If you don’t want to read THE LONGEST TEXT ENTRY OF YOUR LIFE, do NOT click on the cut! 

THE RAVE - MILWAUKEE - BAMBOOZLE 2010 - JUNE 11, 2010

Mmkay, so the day after my birthday, I headed up to The Rave Milwaukee to see Good Charlotte at the Bamboozle Roadshow Festival, and it was my first time seeing them since October 2006, when I’d last seen them also at the Rave in Milwaukee :P 

Not even 3 minutes after arriving, I randomly ran into Tezzie my Fangirl Soulmate (one of the first friends I made on Livejournal back in the 00s; she was visiting all the way from Sweden and was a member a group of the most dedicated fans I had ever witnessed). I was trying to call the # she had given me and was leaving a voicemail as I began walking around the building, along the MASSIVE line that was already formed, full of TEENS and PRE-TEENS. And as I walked and talked…suddenly before me appeared a tiny ginger pixie :) We hugged, we smiled, and that was that. The very dedicated group was in attendance (though I believe there were more members): Krisse (Tezzie’s wifey), Tez, Ashley, Isabel & Jasmine. Tez was with her friend Ashley and they were going to Ashley’s car for something. I went with them and they were filling me in on everything. They and their friends had gotten to the venue at SEVEN IN THE MORNING and had been there the whole time (I think it was after noon by the time I arrived)!!! They were nice enough to let me in line with them.

When we first got in, we all rushed to the GC merch table. They were running this promotion where if you are 1 of the first 6 to go to the table and say “I wanna rep GC!” you get to go to the meet n greet. Being that Milwaukee was Krisse & Tezzie’s first show of the tour, they were going to try for it as the other girls had already got to go to a meet ‘n greet at a previous show. And wouldn’t ya know, they got THE LAST 2 PASSES??? How’s that for luck? The merch dude told me I could try going with them and telling them it was my bday because he’d seen them “let people in,” so why not give it a try? I thanked him for the tip and decided that’s what I’d do.

Meet n greet time rolled around at about 3 and I was SO READY to have to lay down this big sob story and BEG for them to let me into the meet ‘n greet. But when it came time, the lady from the Buzznet table told the lady in charge of the meet ‘n greet that it was my bday and I wanted to know if I could come in, and the lady just shrugged and said, “Sure, why not?” LMAO! As usual, I stressed for hours FOR NOTHING!We went up about 7 flights of stairs, no sh*t, to get to the very top of the venue. And once there, we waited a while for the band to show up. I took some video of Tez & Krisse, wanting to document their nervousness. They were very cute. Tez hadn’t seen the band in 2 years; 2 years and 2 months. Krisse hadn’t seen them in a year and 11 months. They were both SO NERVOUS. The guys finally showed up, late, but it was all of them. Being used to a7x and only getting 3 of 5 members of the band, I was really surprised! But there all 5 of them were :) The big bald security guy wanted it to be very organized so he immediately lined us all up and told us to have cameras ready, 1 thing to sign, and began pushing people through right away.Somehow, I ended up in line first, meaning before K & T. The lady who let me in took my camera from me and then I was going up to the guys, my ticket in hand for them to sign!

I was determined to be well mannered so I made sure to introduce myself to each member & shake everyone’s hand. First up was Paul. He told me I had a lovely name *blush* God bless him, he’s super cute. I was going to ask for a hug because “Paul hugs” are supposedly the best ever BUT the dude was MAD sweaty O_o I had no idea from what, so I didn’t ask. Deano was next and he gave a nice firm shake. I told the two of them it was my birthday and they replied with huge smiles and “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” like it was the best news ever. Totally adorable. Then Deano told me I’d like the new song they are playing and asked me if I’d heard it yet. I told him no and he told me it was called “Like It’s Her Birthday” so I should like it :) Then … there was Joel. Sigh. So funny to think JUST a few years before, I was totally gaga for the dude. I shook his hand, he stood there and for a second? I couldn’t figure out what he was staring at cuz it wasn’t my face, but I realized he was checking out my Vengeance University switchblade pendant :P Benji was next to him. I THINK I shook his hand and intro'ed myself but I’m NOT sure. What I remember about being in front of the Twins was explaining that I hadn’t seen them in 4 years so I was SUPER excited about seeing them live again, to which Benji replies, “I hope we’re not a let down.” O_o As I learned later that day, this kid is a total “Sour Patch Kid.” LOLI said, “Why would you say that?” He just kinda shrugged. So I told him, “You guys never let me down.” Joel liked that because he nodded and went, “Yeaaaaaah,” then held his right fist up for me to pound, so I did :P Then I quickly introduced myself to Billy and shook his hand. He said his name to me, as if I wouldn’t know it, bless him. And then I was being prompted to pose for my photo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LATER THAT EVENING~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the show, behind the venue at the back door, we ended up all standing there with Benji, and he was just talking for QUITE a while. That’s never happened to me before. The longest convo I’ve had with someone famous lasted about … 3 minutes? And all I did was argue with the poor guy. But the girls talked to him for longer than that. They continued to talk to Benji, and understand Ashley, Jasmine & Isa had already been to a BUNCH of Bamboozle shows and they plus Tez & Krisse (and more friends they were meeting up w/at different shows) were going to quite a few more! They became known as “Team Good Charlotte,” that’s how used to seeing them people on Bamboozle got! Anyways, they began talking about how excited they were for CARDIOLOGY to hit in September and Benji was talking about how excited he was for us to HEAR the new album.And I wish I could tell you HOW the transition happened, but I honestly don’t know. All I know is one minute they were all talking about the album … and the next, Benji was talking about letting us hear some. I remember saying something like, “You can go on the bus and crack open a window while you play it,” before SCOLDING HIM about saying that’s what he’d do last time I saw them with regards to “The River” but then NEVER DOING IT :P He said he was sorry.But instead of going THAT route, Benji had a talk with this guy whose name is Danny (I think). The girls told me that he kept up GoodCharlotte.com and ran the GC Twitter account; he was also at the meet n greet taking video and photos. Anyways, he showed up and he and Benji talked, and next thing we knew?

WE WERE INVITED ONTO THE BUS TO HEAR A TRACK OFF OF THE UPCOMING GOOD CHARLOTTE ALBUM!

I know. I wouldn’t believe me if I were you either, but it’s absolutely what happened. Benji & Danny made it clear NO cell phones or cameras could go with us, though, so we all crossed the street so the girls could put their stuff away. I was waiting for my ride so I couldn’t put anything away so I just put mine in my bag. We went back across the street but instead of going onto GC’s bus, we were let onto “Danny’s bus.” He actually said “I’m such a diva, I get my own bus.” And as the last on board, even AFTER Danny, I got to close the bus door behind us and IT WAS HEAVY. I had given my bag to him and he had just placed it on the front passenger seat which I sat down on because I didn’t want to have to squeeze my fat a$$ past him AND past Benji & the girls who were all already seated on two couches and the “aisle” was so small, I didn’t wanna do it. But Danny looked at me and said, “You can come in. Come on, you can sit there,” and he pointed at a bench next to one of the couches, so I said, “Oh thanks” and proceeded to squeeze my fat a$$ past everyone, probably murdering everyone’s feet as I did.Anyways, I sat down in a solo seat. Across from me on the couch were Krisse, Tezzie & Benji. Next to me on a couch were Isa, Ashley, and Jasmine. Danny was standing in the driver area with a camera pointed at us THE ENTIRE TIME so we knew that it was all on video! He asked Benji what he was doing and Benji told the camera that he was letting us hear some tracks off of the new album.Benji played us the “intro,” cause GC always has an intro on their albums and then he played us the first track which I believe is called “Let the Music Play.” As a joke, I took a box of Kleenex that was on the window behind me and let the girls all take one because they SWORE they were going to cry. But y'know what? They actually did, bless them. At one point, Tezzie buried her head in Krisse’s chest as Krisse hugged her very tightly and I realized just how sacred this moment & experience was for those girls. And honestly? I felt so out of place. I felt like I was intruding, y'know? I just happened to be with the right people at the right time and get to tag-a-long for this episode and I am TRULY GRATEFUL for it.I bowed my head to listen to the song, and as I listened to the lyrics, tears rose in my eyes. Because once again, as SO OFTEN IS THE CASE with Good Charlotte lyrics, they hit me in my heart. In June of 2010, I’d gone through a LOT of crap in my personal life, and I just have felt so inferior and so bad about myself. Well, this song that Benji was playing us? It was talking about those feelings, letting me know AGAIN that I wasn’t alone in how I felt (which is what Good Charlotte’s music has ALWAYS done for me and it continues to do to this day):

“When the world tries to beat you down, let the music play.”

And THAT lyric just … hit home for me. So I got teary eyed, but the tears never fell for me. When the song was over, though, I had one of those moments where I actually was so overwhelmed with emotion, I HAD to say what was in my heart, which only ever happened with Eddy Guerrero.“Can I tell you something?” I asked Benji as he started scrolling for another song to play us, or maybe to shut off his iPod.“What?” he asked without looking at me.“I call Good Charlotte my 'gateway band’ because you guys led me to so much, musically. But it ALWAYS comes back to you because, lyrically, no other band GETS ME like you guys do, and that song right there? Just reminded me of that.”“Amen,” Ashley said, and I laughed to myself. I don’t remember if Benji had a reaction or not because I realized that Danny still had his camera pointed at us and I wondered about what I’d just said and if it’d end up anywhere.Benji then played us some of the track that GC is playing at the Bamboozle shows called “Like It’s Her Birthday.” The girls ALL ALREADY KNEW ALL THE LYRICS and were singing along :) I had just heard the song for the first time a couple hours before so I just sat there, bobbing my head like a jacka$$.

But someone knocked on the bus door & Benji and Danny had to get going so we didn’t get through that whole track. As we all got up to disembark, I imagine everyone was as overwhelmed and feeling surreal as I was. We got outside and thanked Benji SO VERY MUCH for allowing us to be a part of that. Outside there were a couple of girls leaning against a tree, very obviously wanting to go up to Benji but for some reason, not doing so? And they were giving us the Evil Eye BIG TIME! Funny thing is, I recognized them from A7X shows.Danny took testimonials from the girls on his camera about what we all just heard. And he told us that he would upload the video THAT NIGHT if that was ok. None of us argued. I don’t think he ever did upload anything, BUT, to all of our surprise, the quickest clip ever of us on the bus that night ended up in a Good Charlotte music video for Counting the Days:

I am FOREVER GRATEFUL to have PROOF that this totally insane thing happened to me. And it only happened cuz I was hanging out with the right people, but they were nice enough to let me 6th wheel it with them and it was one of the best birthdays/memories and craziest experiences of my life. 

Sometimes I think I live a really small life but then I remember stuff like this and I’m like, “How many people can say that they got to chat with a member of their favorite band, were invited onto a bus to preview brand new music NO OTHER FANS had heard at the moment, AND ended up in one of the band’s music videos??” 

I mean, maybe that’s a really big pool and I don’t know it, but I’m just grateful I can be included in it. And in addition to getting to attend a meet n greet I was NOT scheduled to go to and meet the band I refer to as “my heart band,” this day FOR SURE was one of the craziest of my life :)