#which wasn't something i had on my leaving my 20s bingo card because i was so excited to turn 30 but oh well
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so TIL death obsession/existential obsession is a thing that can happen with ocd
and since I'm very certain I have some kind of low grade ocd, ironically probably brought on by the trauma of losing a parent early in life
well, knowing this is kind of comforting
#i cannot overexaggerate the panic attacks thinking about death and dying (myself and others) gives me#it's legit bucket of ice dumped over the head iron hand crushing my heart shit#i haaaaaaate it#I've really been having a lot of trouble with them since turning 30#which wasn't something i had on my leaving my 20s bingo card because i was so excited to turn 30 but oh well#I've been having these horrible spirals of death death death almost every night while trying to fall asleep#and the thought that it's something chemical is. helpful#idk exactly why but#yeah#tw death mention
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