#when I'm depressed I write
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producing content only targeted at me today
#my art#bnha#allnagant#this is how i imagine it in my head when i'm writing my depressing fic about it. i'm like ohhh this is so sad the sequel fic in panda's#head play all might and lady nagant flirting in front of izuku while he stares at them like they're insane
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Okay but, imagine. Oliver and Felix.
They had the 💫maze moment💫 but after Felix says the magic words (you make my fcking blood run cold) Oliver freezes. He thought Felix was mad at him but he realizes he hurt him. Oliver never thought for a second that Felix would care enough to actually be hurt by him. He not only hurt him but he is scaring him. And so, he lets go, he mutters an "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Felix" and he's gone.
Felix is UPSET, cause after all that he can't keep denying that he's in <something> with Ollie (was? is?). And he's mad cause Ollie is right. He wouldn'v care at all about him if he hadn't been interesting enough from the beginning. How did Ollie knew him that well? How did he know what lies to tell to keep him intrested? (Doesn't this just proves how much of a good friend I actually am? How well I actually know you?)
He needs space, he needs to simmer whatever all of this is. But not tonight.
So he gets out of the maze and drinks and smokes and fucks whoever and then Duncan is waking him up, giving him some tylenol or something and taking him to his room.
When he actually wakes up is late in the afternoon, he moves instinctively to the dining room, still dizzy. When he gets there all eyes are on him. What happened? It's not the first time he passed tf out after a party. Elspeth seems upset.
After he ate and is a little bit less dead Duncan informs him that Oliver is gone. He took all his belongings and left at some point during the night or morning who knows. No one saw him leave.
Felix gets up and goes back to his room, through the bathroom and... empty bedroom. No signs of Oliver. The room was clearly recently cleaned. He opens the closet, nothing. Back to the bathroom, empty too.
Fuck.
Duncan tells him that the only thing he left behind was the costume and the black suit Felix lend him. Oh, and a blue button up that was still in the laundry room.
The rest of summer Felix tries to get a hold of Oliver but is impossible. He texts, calls and leaves voicemails, nothing. He finds the phone number of Oliver's house but when he calls Oliver's dad tells him that he's not home, he's probably back at Oxford. Felix packs and leaves Saltburn early. Back at Oxford he goes straight to Oliver's dorm, he knocks but nothing, he stats pounding the door "c'mon Ollie, I just want to talk!" he tries the knob, the door opens, the room is empty.
He learns quickly that Oliver moved. He didn't just moved rooms, nope, he moved colleges. He's gone.
That night Felix cries holding Ollie's shirt :)
#don't worry he'll find him eventually#Farleigh pulled some connexions and now Felix owns him for life#Oliver is so depressed that he didn't even had the strength to run away when Felix find him#He's scared but then Felix hugs him and 🎶💫is crying time💫🎶#for both#they're both crying and hugging in the middle of a very busy aisle#Farleigh is disgusted#Felix playfully slaps Oliver cause “WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS?” but he's crying and smiling#and Oliver starts sobbing while saying “i'm soooorry” lol#And then Farleigh is concerned#anyways#I could keep writing but I feel like I'm going crazy so.#saltburn#felix catton#oliver quick#cattonquick#farleigh start
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How do you feel about the increase in really weird NSFW ads on here (advertising panels that look like sexual encounters, and AI art apps that pride themselves on porn) but will take down NSFW posts from their users, even if it isn't technically sexual.
i hate all social media and it's consistent prioritising the advertisers over the users and the internet simply was a better place before capitalism sunk its hooks into it
#i could write essays about how capitalism ruined the internet.#i was actually talking to someone earlier today about how youtube was kind of effectively ruined by monetisation.#and they were raised in the soviet union and we had a bit of a talk about how art was better because it wasn't for profit.#the people who made art made it because they wanted to do it and because they loved it.#she said that communism was terrible for every aspect of life for her. people's lives under communism wasn't pretty.#but the art was better. and i feel like it's true for the internet – it was better when it was a free-for-all.#the companies didn't know how to exploit it yet and turn it into a neverending profit-driven hellscape.#people created content because they wanted to. because they wanted to make something silly to make people laugh.#not for profit. not for gain. not for numbers. not to further their career.#i miss the days of newgrounds and youtube before monetisation.#capitalism has soiled everything that's joyful and good in this world.#people should be able to share whatever they want.#people should be able to tell any story they want without the fear of being silenced by advertisers.#that's what made the internet so beautiful before. anyone could do anything and we all had equal footing.#but now we're victims of the algorithm. and it makes me sick.#i'm quitting my job in social media. i'm quitting it. it makes me too depressed. i have an existential crisis every freaking day.#every day i wake up and say "ah. this is the fucking hell we live in#i'm so sorry i feel so passionate about this.#social media is a black hole and it is actively destroying humanity. forget ai. social media is what's doing it.#i miss how beautiful the internet used to be. it should've been a tool for good. but it's corrupt and evil now.#sci speaks
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Everyone absolutely puts Sam and Tara through the ringer with their trauma. Like, yeah, I still eat that content up, but I need to see some more posts about them being absolute menaces in general.
I have 2 siblings and they're pains in my ass. We could fist fight and then not speak for an hour, and then one of them comes to me like, "hey, wanna go to McDonald's" and I'd drive us there while we blast the music.
Sam and Tara, before all that shit with their family happened, most likely had some chaotic sister moments. They grew up as sisters (obviously) and know everything about each other. This leads to the Natural Sibling Chaos (tm).
Sam and Tara, watching their mom yell at them about the concerning amount of windows they broke:
Tara, trying not to laugh:
Sam: What?
Tara silently mocks Christina's angry mom face to Sam. Sam is trying not to laugh now because why the hell is Christina making that face.
Also in the future when Sam comes back and they have Trauma and Body Counts under their belts, they get more chaotic.
Tara: I have a solution to take care of our new Ghostface problem.
Sam, relieved: Gracias a Dios, what is it?
Tara: It involves fire.
Sam, slowly getting worried: Ok...
Tara: And the bomb I learned how to make at 3 am last night.
Sam: You made a WHAT?
#tara carpenter#sam carpenter#carpenter sisters#listen#i'm on my grind with making Sam and Tara absolute menaces#I love their depressed traumatized era#but I need them to switch it up#Sam: I'm having a bad time right now.#Tara: I'm having a bad time right now! 🥶🤪💥#Tara definitely would open Sam's door and stand there for a minute before leaving while leaving the door open#Sam absolutely chases Tara around the table to get her to do the dishes#Tara: Look Sam it's you!#Sam watching her sister point at a trash can: Um excuse me? I'm at LEAST a recycling bin.#scream#scream 2022#scream vi#I be flip-flopping on whether I want these 2 to suffer or not lol#But that's how it be when you write whump as well as crack fanfiction
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idk how people find les mis boring when i'm like tearing my hair out on the verge of tears for most of the hundreds & hundreds of pages the main character is one the page (<- only slightly an exaggeration.)
#remember when i had to stop reading this book for a little while last january or whenever it was bc i was depressed & found his story#so upsetting it was genuinely impacting my mental health lol. (<- compliment on the writing)#anyways i'm rereading. or listening as i sew really.#jvj guy of all time i could literally explode thinking about him too much. REALLY well written.#thoughts
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PSA:
If you have related to how I have described Nathan’s struggles with his mental health and some experiences with life; emotional, physical and social etc (ignore the story/his fam background for this; I mean if you have been able to relate to his feelings/anxiety/negative physical sensations etc.)
Might be worth it to get your blood checked.
Especially B12, Vitamin D, Iron levels and Ferritin (ferritin should be 100+).
Building on top of the character, character background, and my research into trauma / mental health etc, I have always used a lot of my personal experience when describing emotions, feelings, and how mental health issues can feel like or present. It’s my attempt to make the writing feel realistic, had I experienced the things in the story or not. Aka even if the story was high fantasy and thus not realistic, I’d source my own feelings to make it ‘real’.
So. Regardless of what's causing it in the story: If you have ever related to how Nathan FEELS or describes his experience with the world and his brain… (Anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, feeling like an outsider/in a fishbowl, easily overwhelmed or over tired; social withdrawal, social anxiety, heart palpitations, chest pains, breathlessness, dissociation, irritability, issues with cognitive function; memory, overthinking, insomnia, brain fog, panic attacks, slow recovery from physical activity, etc etc et fucking c)
Turns out bish has been chronically deficient of many things for a very long time due to stomach issues that stopped nutrients from absorbing. Antidepressants have never successfully worked for me, and it’s now looking like that’s because my mental health stuff could've largely been a physical symptom, instead of just purely mental health??
I have been on a pile of supplements for a bit now and uhh… It’s like night and day? Even with the other health stuff I've been getting treated for, it's been... So much better?? Like. Life changing amount of difference?? And I’m only just starting out fixing these deficiencies, which could take a long time. But...
Holy shit, “Better” might actually be a real thing after all?? There was a reason I've been so "stuck"???
Kind of mad… And sad. Because if this is true and I keep feeling like I have been recently, it means I’ve lost a lot of time to this. I try to focus on how good I’ve been feeling though, and stay curious for this journey of what literally feels like a second chance at life.
Just… Wanted to post this in case it could help someone else. This is a highly personal experience, mental health issues absolutely exist on their own too and there's possibly often overlap as well. But stuff like this can make existing mental health conditions worse too, so either way it’s worth checking.
Yeah. So.
Happy new year?
From someone who might be pulling a whole Phoenix moment???? xx
#Apologies for the silence here#Been going through a lot if you can imagine lol#I have a bunch of asks and messages to catch up to#I'm so sorry for taking forever#It might take me a bit longer still but I promise I'll get back on here at some point hopefully soon#Your messages mean so much to me<3#Take care everyone <3#Also#the description of Nathan's experience could and would still be rather accurate#even if you don't have these physical health issues!!#Depression and anxiety etc from a deficiency is still depression and anxiety#+ when I write Nathan I have a set of mental health “maps” or “guides” for his character (like C-PTSD and CEN and OCD)#Yes I use my own feelings and experiences to describe his anxiety etc#But his character is built around specific mental health markers / trauma research / symptoms etc (like C-PTSD and CEN and OCD)#So I'm pretty sure Nathan's POV would still look very similar based on just that research and ignoring the stuff in this post#Hope this all makes sense :'o
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girl help the PMS is making me connect every failure of my life into a Pepe Silvia-like web of problems caused by my own inherent badness and convincing me that I can never succeed
#got turned down for an anthology#don't think I'm getting an interview for a recent job application#so much weirdness with my boss#can't write#it me#oh and then there's the guilt for believing in PMS just because I get hideously depressed before my period#when Everyone Knows there's no such thing
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I would to know more about the untitled-Jamie-blue-screen fic, if you wanted to share anything about it : )
Hello terrifyingly talented friend! I am happy to share!!
So this fic started rolling while I was writing 'i learned to walk while he was away', - that story explores some of the 'unseen' effects of Jamie's experiences, specifically what his relationship to expressions of violence (even when positively channelled) might be after growing up with an angry man. The 'untitled-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic (which is technically 'redacted-title-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic, I'm a fairly changeable person and the title's redacted purely because it's still subject to possible [who knows, not me] change) is another exploration of some of the 'unseen' or more accurately 'undeveloped' parts of Jamie's psyche that canon skips over.
Specifically, the symptoms of depression he displays in 3x11 Mom City.
I'm a card carrying member of the 'Jamie has multiple missing diagnoses' bandwagon and know first hand what a horrifyingly tricky combo neurodivergence and clinical depression can be.
I use a lot of metaphors to describe/understand the complexities of mental health- when I was studying it, when I'm teaching it and yea when I'm thinking about my own brain :)
Most of the metaphors are computer based- product of the times I guess.
The untitled-title 'blue screen day' is how I unaffectionately refer to the days when that horrifyingly tricky combo decides to be extra horrifying and extra tricky and causes total system overload. The days when you forget how to be a person. That 'blue screen' blink feeling of not functioning, but then it's not momentary, it's not a blink, it doesn't go away. You're seeing with your eyes sure, but you're not really seeing and they don't really feel like your eyes. You exist in your body yes, but do you really exist? Is it actually your body?
(To use plain language; it's a brief and intense episode of severe burn-out, typically bought on by cognitive and/or sensory overload, but sometimes seemingly spontaneous [clinical!].)
So that's what I gave Jamie, a blue-screen-day (sorry buddy).
But I also gave him Roy! And a smoothie! He'll be okay.
(Essentially the story is the idea that sometimes things don't have solutions or answers or a quick and easy fix. Sometimes all you can do is be. Sometimes all you can do to help is be there.)
The fic really is gentle hours, I swear.
#THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!!#jamie lives in my brain#i loved him for yonks but after the boot room scene in 3x11 the guy has lived in my head#he sits sideways in a chair and kicks footballs at my amygdala while scream singing 'the chain'#i don't know what to do about that#other than fic i guess?#anyway if he's gonna live in my head i'm gonna poke him with a stick (depression [??]) and see what happens#OH HEY ALSO- I absolutely take (and crave) roses#I am dragon hoarding them because they make me feel happy to look at :) I WILL GET BETTER ABOUT ACTUALLY USING THEM WHOOPS#THANK YOU AGAIN FRIEND!#fic: untitled-jamie-blue-screen-day#ask box is always open#i still have no idea when this thing'll be done#it's nearly finished!#just needs a few more scenes then a couple edit swipes to make it more cohesive#readwing#jamiesfootball#ted lasso#jamie tartt#NEARLY FORGOT WARNINGS AGAIN YIKES#cw: depression#cw: mental health#writing tag
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being autistic is like. so nothing is ever going to be easy? it's always going to be this hard? no amount of medical appointments will ever make me better? my entire life i'm going to be told that it can't be that bad if i was able to get a job and get along with people and there's really not much they can do for me. that they can address the symptoms (depression, anxiety, etc) but i need to do a blood test first to see if it's not just anaemia, and have i considered that i'm just tired out from work? and i seem fine honestly it's probably not even autism, everyone gets a little bit overwhelmed sometimes. here, have some magnesium. if you eat more vegetables you'll be fine. there's nothing else we can do. my computer says you're not autistic because you were able to make friends and you show signs of empathy. no i haven't updated my autism research since 1996. you're making a big deal out of nothing you seem fine. we can't help you. you seem fine. we can't help you. we can't help you. we can't help you.
#guess who saw another doctor today#well she did diagnose me with depression which is something at least#but when i talked about autism and the possibility of it being an autistic burnout she was like#do you have friends? a job? ok then it's probably not autism#it could just be regular burnout why does it have to be about autism?#Because I Know Myself And It Is.#and the worst part is every time they ask me why i think i have autism i suddenly forgot all of the symptoms i'm just like umm i feel weird#next time i'm writing it all down beforehand so when they ask me i can just hand them the piece of paper#with all the (up to date) autism research and all the symptoms i have (which is all of them)#anyway i feel so defeated it's so hard to think that life is just never going to get easier#rain.stuff
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Let me
So I'm back for the @galladrabbles this week! I haven't found the time to write lately and I haven't been very inspired either. But I really wanted to write something for this weeks prompt "Let me" by @ardent-fox. And I really struggled with restricting myself to the 100 words this week. I wanted to go into deep inner monologue and emotional exploration, but had to restrain myself. I think I managed to convey what I wanted to anyways. I just love Mickey taking care of Ian when he's depressed, it's probably one of my favorite tropes in fanfic. Anyways, this intro is probably longer than the drabble itself, so here it is.
______________________
He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting on the cold bathroom floor, where he had succumbed to the bone deep exhaustion, when the door opens.
Ian doesn’t have the strength to look up. He doesn’t need to.
Mickey walks over to the bathtub and turns on the water. He pulls Ian up from the floor. “Here, let me”, he whispers and guides him to the tub. He helps him take off his clothes and guides him into the warm water.
Ian knows he’s not ok, but when he looks into Mickes’ blue eyes, he knows he’s finally getting better.
#galladrabbles#gallavich#ian x mickey#my writing#i wish i had a mickey when i'm depressed#i love mickey bathing ian#it feels so intimate and caring#i just love it even if it's not the most original thing to write about
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The fall of Sanders Sides is just depressing honestly.
I don’t consider myself an og. I joined the fandom in 2019 thanks to tiktok. I went to anime expo that same year as Janus.
I joined a small discord server for fans and speak to some of them every day still even though we’ve migrated servers multiple times and I’ve stopped talking to several of them.
Me and one of my friends met in a sanders sides rp server and created one just for the two of us that’s still in use and still used for sanders sides because anything else doesn’t feel the same.
I cosplayed on tiktok until like 2021 or not later. I had mutuals and followed so many people who did sanders sides content. They've either stopped making tiktoks entirely or have moved on. Of all the accounts I follow only one makes (absolutely incredible) sanders sides content.
In my closet is the jacket I hand stitched patches on for my virgil cosplay. Patton’s blue polo, Logan’s black polo and tie. My brothers old baseball bat I painted for Remus. Janus’s caplet, hat and gloves.
On my nightstand is a janus necklace that’s a little fucked up that I used to wear every day. In my junk drawer is Janus’s keychain that’s scratched up from being on my lanyard for months.
In a box are four of the sanders sides youtooz figures. In another is the box the jams came in.
I had one of the signed posters I waited months to get because they all got ruined and had to be reshipped. It left the box twice, nearly got thrown out and I sent to a friend because I never go around to framing it and hanging it up.
Remnants of Sanders Sides is all around me. It meant so much to me for awhile especially in 2020-2021.
And now the magic's gone. I fell in love with the fandom first and foremost. A fandom that's quiet until a new episode comes out then it gets resurrected. Only to slowly die again as the new video hype fades and the cycle repeats.
#ts crit#less of a crit and more of a ramble really but who cares#ts criticism#ts critical#sasi#istg every time I see a screenshot of Thomas being like 'I'm still writing! But I'm so close to being done you guys.'#'the finale will come soon I promise'#I just feel depressed because we've waited so long and it's not here#it's been three years#why would I believe that the finale is coming out 'soon' when you've taken three years to nearly be done with the script
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girl help i've been hit with the twentysomething curse of wanting to move to a city where nobody knows my name and where I get to feel and see and be something new✌️
#ok to rb lmao. i'll be fine. just desperately awaiting the day i pack up and move to a dorm#it's so funny actually#because like. so many people associate depression with wanting things to end but i'm in a bit of a spiral bc want it to START#i am a sad lump on the couch because i can't wait for things to BEGIN#i miss people i've never met and i miss places i've never seen and i miss things i haven't had and i miss who i haven't been yet#carly rae jepsen was right. before you came into my life i missed you so bad.#death cab for cutie was right. i miss strangers more than i miss my (irl) friends#TANGLED WAS RIGHT. WHEN WILL MY LIFE BEGIN#i was not built for this (being immunocompromised and in my house all the time)#guess i'l just explore the woods and/or write fic and project about it for the 834384785648th time
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hand on my stupid heart flashbacks
this is a No One Knows AU & Full Hazmat AU where Danny ended up in the Ghost Zone & didn't go back into the human world initially because he thought he was dead. by the time he realized he is, in fact, at least half alive, he'd already been missing for at least 2 weeks.
will probs never finish homsh sorry. i wrote this a couple years ago in a haze & just haven't been able to finish it because i can't replicate the style, which i find is what i love about this fic the most. it wouldn't be the same without it.
posting the flashback introsーwhich are meant to be read between chapters/the actual plot, starting after chapter 1ーcuz fuck it. excuse typos & shit, i never properly edited it, as i forgot it existed immediately after i wrote it
original description of homsh: Danny Fenton has officially been missing for over a year. Maddie & Jack Fenton refuse to give up on their son. Sick and tired of the police running them in circles, and the case getting colder by the day, the Fentons turn to their last resortーPhantom.
800~ words (full unfinished fic is 20k~)
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When Danny woke up surrounded by thick, green fog, and couldn’t breathe without swallowing heavy air that was more like water than anything, he was sure he was dead. The portal glowed behind him, illuminating the pitch darkness around him in soft, yellow, warm light.
He almost went back.
Almost.
He was dead. His parents were ghost hunters. They had drilled into his head from the moment he was born that he could never, ever panic in death. That he would accept it. That he would not be scared. So he would be prepared to be brave in the face of death and would not become a ghost.
He panicked. He did not accept it. He was terrified. And so he woke up in the Ghost Zone.
-
Danny went back through the portal when he saw some ectopuses acting… strange. Like they had an idea in their heads. Like they had a plan.
Which was weird, with animal ghosts. He had only been in the Ghost Zoneーmom and dad called it that, he rememberedーfor a couple weeks. Or, he had already been there for two weeks. Or maybe time worked differently and he was there five minutes, or four years orー
The ectopuses went through the portal and, despite everything, Danny went after them.
While he was busy reeling at being home, the ectopuses immediately attacked dad. Danny was horrified. Jack was overwhelmed. Danny stepped in, in a moment fueled by sheer adrenaline and stupidity, snatching a Fenton Thermos™ off a shelf and releasing his shaky invisibility. The ectopuses didn’t stand a chance. And when they were safely in the Thermos, he slowly turned around to dad, ready for the confrontation. Ready for the “what happened to you?” and the “where have you been?” and the “we’ve missed you”.
Dad scrambled to shoot at him.
Danny fled.
His parents didn’t recognize him.
-
The Lunch Lady attacked when Danny was mourning Halloween.
He’d waited all year. He made a costume that summer. He wouldn’t get to go trick or treating with Sam and Tucker this year. Or any year. For the rest of his lifeーor existence. Whatever.
The Lunch Lady appeared in the school and demanded in straight fury, “Who changed the menu?”
Everyone pointed at Sam.
Danny hadn’t known just how powerful ghosts could be. His parents never told him the specifics. Just that they were dangerous.
This ghost grew and her aura hit him like a hurricane, almost physically pushing him back. It was so strong that the students in the Casper High cafeteria seemed to feel it too.
The Lunch Lady was a much harder opponent than the ectopuses. She levitated meat. She used it as a weapon, and seemed to bring it back to life. She created weird meat creatures that grew sharp teeth and claws out of bones. They were mindless, attacking everything that got too close to the ghost. Danny would have run away without hesitation, if Sam hadn’t been in the crossfire.
Danny fought the Lunch Lady. It was a long struggle, but he caught her in the thermos after over an hour. When he turned to Sam and Tuckerーboth of whom he had to save due to Tucker trying to jump into the fightーall three of them bloody and bruised, he cringed. But a part of him hoped. Desperately.
Surely they would know him on sight.
“Wh-what are you?” Sam gasped at him finally.
Danny flinched as if she had struck him. “J-just… your friendly neighbourhood phantom.”
-
Danny didn’t know what possessed him. Oh. Pun not intended.
He just barely caught the Fentons leaving in the GAV, dragging suitcases behind them. He couldn’t help himself. What on Earth were they doing?
They were going to Vlad Master’s mansion for their college reunion.
It was a whole thing. But something was off. Besides all the adults reminiscing about the 80’s.
Danny sensed ghosts immediately but he couldn’t see anything. Unfortunately for him, Vlad could also sense him. It was two days of Danny staying invisible, and Vladーthe halfa? Is that what Danny is?ーtrying to kill Jack. Somehow, Danny managed to fight off Vlad, not turn back, and without the Fentons getting hurt. His secret intact.
VladーPlasmius, also learned about Phantom. And Vlad hated him. The manーghostーwhatever, seemed to only care about one thingーpossession. Of money. Of things. Of people. He was more ghost than Danny had ever seen. Vlad’s obsession was overwhelming.
Danny couldn’t believe someone so much like himself could be so disturbing.
#danny phantom#danny phantom au#danny phantom fanfiction#you know that gif of the wailing emoji dissolving? :Why:?#yeah that's what i do every time i remember i never finished HOMSH while i still had the style in my brain#feel free to steal this idea. please steal this idea. please write it i wanna see this idea so bad but im already writing another 100k+ fic#if y'all want me to post the full fic i can but. it is not finished & most likely never will be. sorry again#i won't lie. the haze i was in was a depressed one. i was. not in a good place At All when i wrote HOMSH#like the only part i remember actually writing was the panic attack scene & that's just barely#i reread the whole fic in the middle of the night months later while listening to Implode Alright by Built by Snow on repeat#yeah i cried. this one is funny but mostly it's just. mourning. grief. the works. it's a vent fic & also a. kind of. wishful fic#like. don't you just wish death wasn't so permanent. don't you wish you could tell them everything you wish you could#don't you wish you could just see them again#i'm actually writing this into a bigger ventier series currently called Let Grief Do Its Work#cuz i rewatched LUCIDS again recently & remembered what HOMSH was originally about. why i was writing it#i'm not calling it HOMSH cuz. HOMSHie is my baby. it's its own thing & i don't wanna ruin the vibes#reluctantly admitting i call an unfinished fanfic i don't remember writing... HOMSHie baby... in my head#yeah i have a cute nickname for my fic. what of it#it's 5am & i think i'll throw up if i think any more about posting unfinished unedited pieces of a fic so i'm going for it. cowabunga#go into the world. get your 2 notes you beautiful animal#*passes out*
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my scientist guy is actually the evil twin of this guy. all of this was revealed to me in a dream don't worry about it
#i stole w*rnhardt and made him my own oc with depression and anxiety#my art#*werner#*monday#i'm not exaggerating when i say that 90% of my ideas for this story are coming from dreams. requires lots of patience.#can you imagine a worse superpower. you can write cool stories but only very rarely when you're asleep. i hate this shit
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Happy STS Elli!
What inspires you to write? Are there things that you know that you can get inspiration from or does it just come randomly?
Happy STS!
For me, inspiration doesn't mean "to write".
There are, and always have been, a lot of stories floating around in my mind - ideas, scenes, vibes, outlines. I get inspiration from literally everywhere, from talking to my friends, and video games, and scrolling past images or prompts, and reading books, and spending too much time on reddit, and…
Many remain daydreams, or character backstories, eventually lost to time.
Now for actually being able to sit my ass down and get words on the page? I don't know. It comes and goes as it pleases. Having a beehive where a brain should be does NOT help, let me tell you that.
I just. Can't focus on shit lately. Can barely make it through a chapter when reading. Every day is just suddenly over, and I got nothing done, and I am so tired. I have a completely outlined short thing I have been trying to write since Nov, and it's like pulling teeth.
I could do with several months off work while everyone leaves me the fuck alone. How would that be.
#salad-ask#aria-benedetto#sts ask#I cried new year's because after having 1 (one) day of my vaction actually completely to myself#Which was after I already didn't get any quiet time on my LAST three attempts at taking time off because someone was sick at home#And spending most of all that time just working (in my time off) and cleaning the depression piles#My mom berated me for instantly refusing to come over for some 'if I die you need to know where stuff is' talk#(note: there's no reason to think she might anytime soon and she was talking about like... a cd collection)#'You always have something!!!'#I don't know anymore how to get people to understand how fucking exhausted I am.#I'm about to let the stupid paint course voucher from work lapse because in a year I didn't find a motive I like and the energy to even#consider wasting 3 hours of my life after work to produce some physical object I have no room for while having to run to get there on time#Not to mention people!! A room full of people!!#I've just become sooo sensitive to noise lately I can't even stand to be in the kitchen when the fridge hums#And you're always always always the bad guy if you close the door in someone's face because they're whistling or watching tv or calling#It's cool :) Sorry I was being unsocial :) Lemme just quickly slam my head against a wall until I pass out :)#So uh anyway happy STS writing has been going well
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I think the Spirit soundtrack is woefully underused in the Red Dead fandom. Brothers Under the Sun? Sound the Bugle?!!? Come on we're sleeping on horribly devastating songs to put in our playlists!
#red dead redemption#red dead depression#rdr2#arthur morgan#charles smith#dutch van der linde#hosea matthews#please suffer with me in this hell#I'm writing fic when I should go to sleep#and I'm crying about it
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