I don't want loud, public declarations of love, I just want the steadiness of a hand to hold, the comfort of an embrace that is always there. I don't need leverage or control in a relationship, I just want open hearts that speak with transparency and trust. I don't need flamboyant, rambunctious demonstrations of affection, just a dynamic where spontaneous sharing and giving is the need of both hearts. I don't requiere more than a simple, pure, strong uncomplicated bond where I can love and give as my heart dictates while knowing I am safe though in an infinitely vulnerable state. I don't need much and have no demands other than your steadfast love and your open heart.
I'm doing all of this adulting right. I'm filing my taxes and I am paying bills and I am becoming fluent in corporate speak and I am not saying what I really feel. I am speaking to doctors for my parents' health issues and I am staying away from old lovers and new vices the best I can. I am doing all this. I'm trying to be rational and realistic and cancel my subscription to delulu land. But tonight...tonight I feel like a child who is crying simply because they want something they can't have.
What do I want?
I want you. More precisely I want to feel the peace I felt when I was with you. That summer night in mid July when I was drunk and high but still so very sober, lying next to you giggling, speaking softly. The way you held me. The way you asked me to stay a while and rest. The comfort and safety and peace I felt in those few moments, I haven't felt that in a really long time in the company of another human. I want more of that. I thought we would have more of that. If nothing else.
I was okay with it being so very lowkey that we only met during late evenings and chilled in your dim lit living room talking about art and books and how there are only really limited plot devices with you trying to scan your book collection to find me this particular book. I was okay with you not loving me as long as you were soft towards me and as long as you held me like that. I was okay with not naming this thing anything, throwing away all labels, as long as our eyes kept talking and we kept smiling in each other's presence.
But it seems like you don't need me. You don't need me to feel anything. Your peace is yours. Your comfort and your safety and your intimacy. You have plenty of sources for that. Your life is abundant. Whole. And you know I am happy about that. I love that for you. So, then, instead of needing me, can't you want me?
What can I do to make you want me?
If I stick to all the rational and reason of adulting I know the question to ask isn't that. The question to ask is how can I make my life abundant with peace and comfort and a sense of safety and calm? But until I don't find the answer, can't I come and lay my head on your chest and smell the detergent on your shirt as you hold me close and make it all feel okay? Can't I? Is that really so much to ask?
I need a young Dean to shave a young Sam EVERYWHERE. I need it to be the most intimate thing anyone has ever read, with the softest sex ever. I need Dean to say Sam is beautiful and Sam believing him. I need Sam to feel soft and liking it. Shaving someone else feels like the most loving and intimate thing anyone can do for another person, and I want that for Sam and Dean.
Seeing my friends all be like, theres someone i really like (romantically) in my life atm im so happy and i wanna share it w you!, WHICH IS SO SWEET BC I LOVE THAT THEY ARE EXPERIENCING LOVE BUt when is it my turn :(
hi yes as always i am open to criticism but let’s just say i wouldn’t be completely opposed if tim and lucy break up because it gets too complicated or something
ONLY ON THE CONDITIONS
that they’re back together by the end of the episode or the next episode AND they get back together after lucy is sobbing in her room and someone starts pounding on her apartment door and she opens it to tim absolutely soaking wet from the rain and he tells her that he loves her and that they’ll make it work a la both “how you get the girl” and b99 new captain “screw light and breezy, right?” because i think i would spontaneously combust
i’m squealing bc i too am watching bridgerton rn and am on season two ,,, i think anthony has some nice character development cooking for him ,,,
girl it has taken me almost the entire to like him i find him so annoying, i only attempted it again bc i wanted all of the drama for season 3 which i am gagging for
i am like 10 minutes from going and buying the box set tho i need these books i will just have to mourn the beautiful special editions </3
I need a mental health day of standing on a cliff in a Victorian nightgown screaming into the ocean as I slowly collapse to my knees as the scream morphs into a deep sob. As I'm surrounded by a cool fog and a light mist in the early morning.