#wait oh my god its an office reference oh my god oh my god they're connected i never KNEW
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MAG 79 - hair dying session
Oh, there we have the Potassium in Martin's name!
I'm sad Tim is so fixated on seeing Jon as a villain. I see that at his point it's a natural reaction of him. Jon massively antagonized him. It's still heartbreaking.
TIM "This isn’t office politics. It’s not like he’s had one too many at the Christmas party and started ranting about the Greeks." - Wait, did this happen once? I would fit so well! God I wanna see tipsy Jon infodumping or ranting!
You can totally see Martin's manipulation talent here. It's not straight up backtalk at Tim, it's gently guiding him.
Oh fuck, them stumbling upon warped Not!Sasha gave me serious chills. I love shit like that.
JON "God, I’m an idiot. Smash the table, kill the monster, stupid! Lazy, sloppy assumption. Of course the table was binding it." - That is literally, what the statement-giver in MAG 78 described, yes! It was so obvious.
"All the pieces were there. And I just… I couldn’t see it." - It'll give him that, his job is not to understand. He simply has to observe.
Martin snapping is so much fun! (There a wonderful animatic on Youtube of that scene btw!)
MARTIN "If we were all happy that wouldn’t actually be the end of the world." - MAG 160, they're actually happy; The world ends :´)
TIM "Stay back!" MICHAEL "No." - The Magnus Archives is an office comedy… xD
MICHAEL "None of you are protected down here." - Tunnels being a blind spot for the Eye foreshadowing!
JON "I can’t fight it with a pipe. I’m tired just carrying it." - There we have the hint of Jon being scrawny, getting tired from just carrying a metal pipe is quite an achievement. Also, that is THE pipe :) With his fingerprints…
NOT!SASHA "I’m going to wear you, John. I’m going to wear everything you are." - That sounds very disturbing…
Not!Sasha's statement: Once upon a time there was [talks in third person], but they're talking about themself-trope. We also had this in MAG 29. I liked it there, somehow I don't like it here. It is clear, that it's about itself and that makes it a bit too cringy for my liking. But some things about the Stranger are just cringy and that's alright.
NOT!SASHA "Then one day it was sent to the house of its enemy, which had the biggest eyes you ever did see." - More Institute being all about eyes and watching.
NOT!SASHA "You really aren’t even a shadow of your predecessor. You’re nothing." - The Stranger really loves mocking Jon especially in comparison to Gertrude, does it? It's gonna happen again in the Unknowing.
NOT!SASHA "You’ll miss the Unknowing, of course, but you wouldn’t understand it anyway." - The Unknowing has already been fleshed out. Because that's it in essence. Not understanding what's going on anymore. It comes up in the Unknowing.
JON "I’m sorry. Martin, Tim… Sasha. I’m so sorry. I should have… I didn’t… I’m sorry." - T_T (First name he said is Martin :D)
NOT!SASHA "I wonder, if I wear you, will I really become the Archivist? Rob the eye of its pupil?" - Interesting question, but I also don't think it would work like that. Also Archivist is already referred to as the pupil of the eye!
Hm, the sound of shifting stone happens very quick there, I thought it was longer. However, I think it still does a great job to show what just happened, I remember immediately understanding what was going on. I mean the whole season we got to hear how the tunnels changed, walls suddenly appearing, the floor opening up instead of the trap door. And finally we get to see that old man who's being all this!
An old man you say? I wonder who it could be...
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chapter 1
3 and 1/2 pages of exposition.
these three pages of exposition are centered on a raindrop. i dont know how said raindrop is going all over the fucking place?
can raindrops change color if they go through smog clouds? just googled it and actually smog cloud stifles rain, so i dont know why it's raining so damn much
first page introduces the previous (now dead) chief commissioner kenneth. why is he introduced? no one knows. because he isnt a major character. he's just kind of? mentioned? why?
nesbo introduces two of the minor characters in the first chapter: kite, a reporter, and tortell, the sitting mayor. lots of critique of tortell, but that's for later
mentions a "soviet vessel leaking so much rust into the water that it looks like its bleeding". is that... possible?
glamis reference
duff entrance! duff's my sweet boy and i'll have lots of furious rambles about how jo nesbo did him SO dirty later on.
duff is described as having "the hands of a concert pianist", "miserly lips", "intense blue eyes", a "nose like an aggressive beak" and a massive scar that "splits his face in half" put a pin in his scar, it's important. (and i have thoughts on that reveal).
the norse riders show up. they're so fucking - listen. for such minor characters, nesbo describes them a lot. my man does not shut up ever.
"the anonymous tip-off duff had recieved" how on earth did this happen fr.
seyton is like "we should call in SWAT" and duff's like "NO NO WE'RE NOT CALLING SWAT STFU" like bestie- bestie you are outnumbered!
9 police people to 12 norse riders.
duff challenges his men to leave for the ms glamis on friday - ALL OF THIS HAPPENS IN A WEEK??
we're still on chapter one.
oh my god.
"he knew his appearance and confidence attracted a certain type of woman" oh my god SHUT UPPPPP
duff about to send the youngest officer to pin the gang people. hOw CoUlD tHiS pOsSiBlY gO wRoNg (said with sarcasm)
macbeth had called to help out and duff said NO??????
seyton: can you smell it? duff: smell what? seyton: their fear. WHAT THE HELL.
duff: macbeth and SWAT are asleep in bed.
hard cut to macbeth and SWAT, not in bed.
im going to gouge my eyes out this is still chapter one.
banquo sounds... so british????
first mention of fife, this nameless shithole of a town's sister town.
banquo: this is why we should have guns :) macbeth: what.
introduce olafson, some sharpshooter guy
oh and angus hiiii angus :D
does the s in a ZIS-5 actually stand for stalin or is this book set in the 1950's?
this will be a common theme: did this happen or is this book set in the 50's?
this chapter is... so long
introduces bonus! this could've been a different chapter
anyways bonus is like "i shouldnt drink so much :) but im gonna anyways."
hecate hiiii
oh shit wait i forgot hecate was a man in this. im so sorry hecate that this gross ass old man did this to you :,,(
hecate has the villain monologue and is ominous and shitty blah blah blah jo nesbo is so fucking. he writes so long and its so frustrating to me, a bitch who has already written a macbeth adaptation. i was sooo worried in posting my rewrite to ao3 that i wasnt descriptive enough and now i know there's such thing as "too descriptive"
cut back to the harbor. duff and the gang have fucked up
they got sivart. is he supposed to be young siward? who knows. not me.
jo nesbo and his villain monologues. take a shot every time there's a monologue.
duff's like "ohhhh im such an idiot" like yeah....
macbeth insulting his men asmr.
i dont CARE about angus and olafson's backstory, okay??? like?????
ALL OF THE HECATE SCENES COULD BE A DIFFERENT CHAPTER.
macbeth fucking... pulls??? a lamp??? off a storefront?????????????
macbeth saves the day!! and chapter one ends.
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mkayyyy I'm here bestie. SOOOO perhaps reader worked on svu at the same time nick started and then she leaves a few weeks after he joined + nick and reader had hooked up a few times while they were both on svu and they left it awkward cause they had feelings of each other and never said anything
now reader lives in chicago and works on intelligence. reader and jay are besties/fwb (same thing like she and nick had) and they're developing feelings for each other but nick and liv shows up to work a case with them in chicago
reader and nick are super comfortable with each other even tho they left it awkward so they're flirting and shit but jay is jealous af soooo he makes sure she "knows who she belongs too" 👀
but SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER guess who shows up at her door while her and jay are doing it? you guessed it, nick did
so like take that as you will and hopefully this isn't too detailed 😭
this was completely derailed and i loved every second of it
—
You had your lip in between your teeth- biting down so hard you were almost drawing blood- hands above your head in a vice grip, getting absolutely railed by your partner Nick. It had been a few weeks since you guys started sleeping together. It seemed every time you did nights were filled with kisses and empty promises, the mornings with awkward silence and your eyes glazed over in confusion. You kept telling yourself you needed to stop, that things were getting out of hand and sooner or later you’d get too attached and wind up broken-hearted. You knew it had to end.
BUT DAMN IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO WORK THAT BITCH
The apartment was filled with breathy moans and cries of pleasure. You could hardly keep it together with how good Nick was giving it to you.
“N-NICK, oh..oh my fucking-“
“Yeah?”, he interrupted, “Tell me how much you love it sweetheart. Such a desperate slut for me.”
“Fucking shiiiit- oh god I love you-“ stumbles out of your mouth like a drunk person, unable to catch your slip-up.
He stills completely, not knowing what to say. You on the other hand, start back tracking with any shit that’ll save your ass from complete and total annihilation.
“That- I- we uhm- I-“
Needless to say, you fail. Miserably. Giving him a deer-in-headlights stare, with the speed of Usain Bolt, you grab your shit and start running out the door, tripping over your feet trying to get the fuck outta there and not be seen doing the ultimate walk of shame. A startled dog and its terrified owner stare in shock, watching you run out of the apartment while pulling up your pants and holding your phone under your chin with your keys hanging out of your mouth. You immediately called Liv while driving home and told her you were quitting your job and moving to Chicago to go become a stripper.
Getting home you packed your shit and threw it in the back of your clown car, a surprising amount actually fitting in the damn thing. Beating on your bitchy landlord’s door, you slapped him in the face with a simple “Fuck you” and told him you’d not be paying the rest of your rent. Burping in your face, he said ok and then you were off to She-cago. (i rly hope you get the reference)
‘’
Now unfortunately, all the strip clubs wanted you on their staff, but you had a secret job lined up because one drunk night a few years ago you gave head to the right person and now he was your boss. Walking in to District 21 was familiar, but this time it had more spice cause the recipient of said drunken blowie was looking at you with a smile on his face like he was gonna get one as soon as you came through his office door.
“Sarge,” you said, debby-ryan-smirking whilst shaking his hand.
“Next time you call me that, use it in bed.” He says.
“Can’t get enough of your new title, can you Jay?”
“Nope. Still not over it. Come on, everyone’s been waiting to see you.”
Walking up the stairs, you come into view of the intelligence office and see all your favorite ugly bitches. Kevin and Adam are doing lines of coke on the floor and Kim and Hailey are drawing in permanent marker on the picture of a dead Hanky boy, giggling about My Little Pony. Passing by them, They all look up and say hi to you and then resume their game of paint twister as you and Jay head into his office. He immediately looks at you and says,
“If you can’t shuck corn, you don’t have the beans for this job.”
So, being a solid hire, you give him the best suckjob of his life, completely enveloping him and 10 seconds later, swallowing like a champ cause mama ain’t raise no bitch. Then, the phone rings and here’s some pussy-ass serial killer that’s apparently hiding out in Chicago. You immediately recognize the name cause you were working on that bitch before you left. Tugging up his blue velour track pants that accentuate his juicy caboosey, Jay heads into the bullpen, clapping his cheeks to get everyone’s attention.
“Okay guys we have a crazy murderer hiding in the city. Rise and grind to the occasion my cockatoos. Kevin stop grinding on cocaine you’re getting white shit on your pants, Adam you look like you just ate out a powdered donut if a powdered donut had a coochie. Ladies, we have no time for your ponies unless they shit rainbows cause then we have a problem on our hands. Olivia Benson and Nick Amaro from the Manhattan Special Victims Unit are gonna be here in like an hour so hold on to ya butts til then okay?”
“YES CHEF!” the whole team yells simultaneously and you start wondering what kinda bullshit you got yourself into. Then again you weren’t too concerned cause once you started blowing weed out of jay’s ass you were too high to care. If you had to see Nick after the way you speedy Gonzales’d your ass outta his apartment, you were gonna need to consume as much illegal shit as possible.
‘’
You startle at the sound of heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and immediately wipe the drugs from your snot line. Not even realizing you were asleep, you shake out your hair and look up to see Liv and Nick returning your glance.
“ So you traded me for this moron? I’m hurt, really. Is it because he gives good dick?” Liv asks bluntly.
“Absolutely, I totally traded my best friend for good dick😐. Of course not you dumb bitch. You give better head anyway.” you say.
“Of course I do but you could’ve at least became a stripper like you said-“ Liv kept talking but you were tuning her out, being completely focused on the glassy eyes of your beautiful annabelle lee, the ones so determined not to meet your gaze.
Spending all day working on the case was the plan. Keeping away from Nick was the plan. But then this motherfucker decided he wanted to get an explanation from you. Meeting you in the break room, he tries to ask you why you left his poor unfortunate soul, but you keep diverting his questions because how stupid is he to not know why you left. A fucking trained monkey understands that. You can’t love an emotionally stunted man who wants to use you like a daycare. Now this seemingly normal conversation is interrupted when your absolute-fucking-unit- of a boss comes meandering in trying to distract this strange Nick from flirting with you, so he goes full Chris Evans left boob grab AND licks your neck. Leaving the break room, jay tells you that you tasted like coffee and that the team has found the serial killer’s hideout.
After eating some grapes and licking some balls, OG baby daddy Sonny Carisi comes out of nowhere, spiderman- crawling up the ceiling and telling you guys don’t bother gearing up cause we found the dumpy ass motherfucker throwing water balloons at oncoming cars from an overpass.
So with the case wrapped, and Jay’s dick too, you get used as cumdumpster one more time, but not before Nick swings by your apartment. Climbing in through the fake fireplace in very festive fashion, Nick comes into your pussy-colored bathroom and sees you getting railed by Jay. Now normally- screw this absolutely nothing about this fucking situation is normal. Nick decides to hop in the barbie pink tub and then spitroast you with Jay while you whine like a prostitute about the good fucking you’re recieving and you all fuck happily into the sunset with lots more fuckings to ✨cOmE✨
#i promise i wasn’t high when i wrote this#why is adam eating donut coochie?#the world may never know#thanks for the ask anj ily#nick amaro#one chicago fic#crack fic#not beta'd#svu x reader#jay halstead x reader#absolute unit
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Shout out to one of my bffs who lets me ramble incessantly about my fic and not only replies with in-depth responses but actually actively encourages the rambling:
I love you and would/will die for you
Here's a summary of the stuff we were taking about (Rex almost dying to Annie, prom night, a small frog evo, Rex joining the school's robotics club, and some background holix because these two are just too cute together)
So chapter 7 right
The first time Rex meets Annie it's because he sits in her seat during first period and immediately gets tripped and faceplants into the desk, giving him a bloody nose and destroying the desk
Their teacher notices (all teachers who arent directly mentioned in-universe are going to be references to characters from M. Rex the comic series and have the same sort of disposition to Rex, so this one will be the famous lady he saves in the first comic) and is like "right time to save the new kid from being taken out of here on a stretcher" and goes all "hiiii so you're the one the principal told us about right?? You should go check in at the office to get your schedule for today :)))"
And rex is trying to explain while pinching his nose like "yeah actually we got a voice mail from the secretary detailing which class-" and she's like "save yourself- I mean you should still go meet him in person to double check everything and get some paperwork like your locker number and code :))"
Cue a little montage of Rex walking around the school unsupervised trying to remember where the principals office is because while Noah showed him, he was distracted by literally everything (look at all these students- oh my god trophy case for TABLE TENNIS?? Wait Noah is that YOU in there??- are those murals above those lockers? Wait do I get my own locker?- is that a real skeleton?? What's with the old TV on wheels??) and he's absent-mindedly avoiding the hall monitors because it's just second nature at this point avoiding Providence soldiers stationed around when he's breaking out and honestly he's more occupied with trying to locate the office
[walks into an old biology teacher's classroom] "office?"
The teacher, who's tired and just wants to get through her lecture: can I... Help you???
Rex: "nope" [dips]
Enters the cafeteria and has a very long internal struggle about if it's okay for him to take some food because he's HUNGRY and technically a student right but no its probably best he doesn't actively try to get in trouble*
*he's not really sure which actions will get him in trouble tho
[enters the empty teachers lounge and fixes a coffee machine that had been broken for months and leaves without saying anything and starts a rumor abt a benevolent, potentially magic maintenance man]
walks into the empty theater and yells I'M KING OF THE WOOOORLD just to hear It echo back
Some random security guard working in the light box: GO BACK TO CLASS KID
Also him showing up again at 2nd period after getting his head bashed in by Annie (accidental) (after enduring the nightmare scenario with the principal that Bobo set up for him by getting free reign of Rex's supposed past at another school) starts a rumor that the new kid is the only person who can survive Annie, which leads to a bunch of people trying to get them together just so they can watch the chaos that will unfold
Which brought us to the prom episode (of which I have a ton of already written out that he's read hence why we were talking about it- basically this part takes place immediately after Rex comes to the realization he's definitely bi and definitely crushing on Noah) where it plays out pretty much the same as in the show, but they're trying to both follow Noah's plan and avoid the ppl wanting to watch Rex get destroyed by Annie's bad luck, so they end up at the cliff to take pictures like in the show, and Rex is sent over in the limo by Annie as in the show
So immediately all four of them are like 'holy shit' and Noah freaks out, remembers Rex has been through some shit and this is nothing to him and calms down, then realizes Rex still hasn't shown back up and freaks out again because this boy has capital-a Anxiety (panik. Calm. PANIK)
Meanwhile Rex is hanging out at the bottom of the cliff where it meets the water like "so do I just... Walk down the road and act like nothing happened? Nah, that's probably even more suspicious. Yeah no I probably should be dead this is just going to be suspicious no matter what... Fuck it" and flies up and lands, so the girls now know he's the generator and are just like "sure okay that's cool! No we won't tell we're just glad you're not dead at the bottom of the ocean. Continue to prom?" overall they definitely take it way better than Noah did but then again he was also about to die by giant evo so. Fair.
And Noah, who was freaking out internally just hugs Rex like "holy shit I thought you actually died this time" and almost knocks him back off the cliff and he's like "dude pls no don't be as bad as Annie" n he's blushing intensely and ofc Claire is super smart so she notices this and is just like "hmmm I see I see"
And they continue on to the restaurant and beyond white Knight not knowing that Rex is outside Providence (Rex trying to pass off Annie breaking shit in the background as training with Six in the Petting Zoo definitely for sure) the episode goes on fairly normally
And THEN we planned out a new episode to go on later where club fair happens and rex is READY to join a club despite Six's strictness in taking him back to Providence when classes are over. The whole episode is basically just Phantom of the Soap Opera but at Benjamin Franklin High School because it's one of our favorite episodes
So they end up in the gymnasium and Noah is giving Rex his daily lecture on a talk about being normal and not joining any sports clubs and rex is only half paying attention when he sees a tiny little robot being displayed on one of the tables and it is just. Struggling. So he walks over in the middle of one of Noah's sentences (poor dude) and just starts playing with it to fix it, he ends up doing so with his powers and the BFHS robotics club is like "yep you're one of us now bc all our robots keep breaking mysteriously and we need someone to fix them" and drag him off to the club room
While they're on their way there (it's a biology room during the normal school day) Rex sees a frog evo and it's On Sight for both of them. Straight up wild west showdown eye squint from both of them until the robots club drags Rex into the classroom and he has to break eye contact
Cue a week at school where Rex is trying to both go to class and cure this EVO without drawing attention to him or it while the frogge is just like "yep I'm going to make your life and this club's life miserable" because similar to Phantom of the Soap Opera the frogge was living in the biology room as the class pet and when the robotics club moved in after classes, they invaded his resting time after school hours and he's breaking all their stuff for revenge
There will definitely be a scene where the stealth evo froggie is sitting in his tank just. Glaring at Rex the entire class and rex is just. Glaring back. and Noah is like "what the fuck is going on here". Rex tries to approach it after class all stealthy like to cure it and is interrupted by the teacher, half paying attention like "please don't tap on Mr. Frog's enclosure he doesn't like that"
Meanwhile during all of the periods the biology class isn't in session, this frog is HELL-BENT on finding Rex and hurting him no matter where he is or what he's doing. Sitting in the cafeteria? Boom. Ceiling tile falls on his head. Sleeping in math class? Boom. One of the legs of his chair gets dissolved and he falls on the floor getting a rude awakening and also detention for sleeping in class. At robotics club fixing stuff? Boom. Your hand is now being eaten by acid. And most of the time Rex sees it watching him, ominously, out of the corner of his eye and immediately goes to throw down with this frog which leads to wacky fight scenes and also Noah both being immensely confused and also trying to cover for why Rex suddenly went into a dead sprint down the hallway in the middle of a conversation with someone
So Rex is like frantically calling in to Holiday and Six like HOW WOULD ONE SUBDUE AN ANGRY FROG EVO (tiny) and holidays like "oh just make it cold it will go to sleep :) wait. Rex. Aren't you in class?? Why do you need to know????" "[huge crashing noise in the background] noreasonokaythankyoubye"
Six: I'm going over there
Holiday: Six no its probably fine you know Rex, he can handle this on his own
Six: too late I'm already on a jump jet our son is going to get himself either killed or exposed and I'm not happy with either option
Holiday: wait. you can be happy? Wait. Did you say our 'SON'????
Six: six out
Holiday: NO YOU GET BACK HERE WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT
Anyway Rex ends up curing the frog after a huge fight around the school So the biology room is trashed, and as he and Noah are putting the frog back in its enclosure the robotics club walks in to see all their stuff broken, desks smashed, posters ripped off the wall, etc
And the supervising teacher just "oh my god what the hell did you two do in here. DETENTION" and the two of them are just like "NO WAIT- oh. okay yeah we can't explain this one. Fine. That's fair." And the "episode" ends with the two of them cleaning up the room together while the frogge watches
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Making Time
Mobius M Mobius x Reader
Part 3
My Masterlist • Series Masterlist
“Here we go.” You whisper, looking between Mobius and Loki, then up at Mount Vesuvius.
“Shh, any minute now.” Mobius adds.
“Until this entire town is wiped off the face of this planet. Imagine. All that volcanic ash-“ Loki starts.
“I know. We don't want to get too giddy.”
“Oh, come on! It's cool.”
“No, it is cool, but it's just not in good taste because...”
“They're all gonna die anyway.”
“I know. Now listen, I'm gonna watch the TemPad for any variance energy.” He says, pulling the device out from his pocket.
“Okay.”
“Okay, because we gotta be careful.”
“If you're wrong, and there's a good chance you are, anything we do can create a huge branch.”
“Oh, Mobius! You make even the end of the world sound boring.” Loki complains.
“Listen! Okay, we're not meant to be here.”
“And we don’t need Minutemen rushing here to arrest and delete us, okay?” You tell him. He nods,
“Okay.”
“Anything we do can impact the course of history. Do you get that?”
“Yes. Yes.”
“So we're gonna start with very small disturbances. Very small. Can you make bird noises?” You both frown at Mobius.
“Bird noises?”
“Yeah. Bird noises. Like some, like whooshing noises?” He begins to imitate a bird call. You roll your eyes,
“Moby? I was on the side of caution. But we’re going to need more than that.” Mobius continues his bird impressions to the disdain of Loki who groans and runs off.
“Loki!” You hiss. He doesn’t go far, standing on a nearby cart and proclaiming to the people of Pompeii that they are all going to die. On a positive note you’ve come up with a new scale to rate nexus events: starting with bird noises and ending with prophesying the future. Loki then decides to release a hoard of goats. Fantastic. Loki halts his Latin monologue to look over at you and Mobius for a fact check,
“We are from the future, right? What is the TVA? I mean, it's from the future. It sounds from the future. It's pretty futurey.” You’re about to answer him when you realise you don’t actually know. You’d always assumed the TVA just existed outside of time. Though you’re not sure how that would work. You’re about to ask Mobius when the volcano erupts. Loki then proceeds to have what looks like an existential crisis. “Nothing matters! Nothing has any consequence! Dance while you still can!” You lean over Mobius’s shoulder.
“How’s it going?” You ask, nodding towards his TemPad.
“I don't believe it. Zero variance energy. No branching in the timeline.” He tells you. Overhearing what Mobius says, Loki approaches you,
“The TVA would never even know we were here. If it were me, this is where I would hide.” A colossal cloud of ash rolls down the hillside, quickly approaching the three of you.
“Erm, Loki, bud?” You say, concerned that he hasn’t noticed. You point over his shoulder, “You got a little something-“
On your return to the TVA, the three of you head to the archives, searching for all naturally occurring disasters. Turns out there’s a lot of them. Mobius hands you a pile of events from before you existed, which you appreciated. Whilst you were curious about what happened to the world after you left it, you’re not too eager to see the long list of apocalypses. After what feels like hours of searching the three of you decide to take a break.
You and Loki are sat in one of the TVA cafeterias, waiting for Mobius to return with some food. Two hunters pass by your table, and you keep your gaze on the papers in front of you.
“Why do they look at us like that?” Loki asks suddenly. You look up at him.
“Like what?”
“Don’t act like you haven’t noticed. You and Mobius don’t get the looks that you and I get.” He observes. You sigh,
“That’s because when it’s me and you, they see two Variants possibly plotting to overthrow the TVA.” That shocks Loki.
“You’re a Variant.” He states, and you nod,
“I was set to be deleted, until Mobius stepped in and saved me.”
“You must be very grateful to him.”
“I am.”
“So you believe in the all powerful lizards which dictate the existence of trillions of people?” You smirk, looking down at the papers in your hand.
“I didn’t say that.” You glance up at him, recognising the look on his face immediately. He was scheming. “Look Loki, I may not be a hundred percent loyal to the TVA, but I am to Mobius.”
“Mobius, who is a part of the TVA, who you don’t fully trust. How can you know he has your best interests at heart?”
“I don’t. I’m just hoping, that he does.” Mobius soon joins the two of you. After a brief discussion about jet skis the conversation quickly turns far too philosophical for your poor ‘I’ve just read about a million case files’ brain.
“I don't get hung up on believe or not believe. I just accept what is.” Mobius says with a sigh. Loki looks at him incredulously.
“Three magic space lizards?” Mobius nods,
“Time-Keepers.”
“Created the TVA, and everyone in it?” Mobius nods again. “Including you?”
“Including me.”
“But not me.” You add. Loki laughs softly,
“Every time I start to admire your intelligence, you say something like that.”
“Okay, who created you, Loki?” Mobius asks.
“A Frost Giant of Jo
“And who raised you?”
Odin of Asgard.
Odin, God of the Heavens. Asgard, mystical realm, beyond the stars. Frost Giants. Listen to yourself...
It's not the same. It's completely different. No. It's not the same.
It's exactly the same thing. Because if you think too hard about where any of us came from, who we truly are, it sounds kinda ridiculous. Existence is chaos. Nothing makes any sense, so we try to make some sense of it. And I'm just lucky that the chaos I emerged into gave me all this... My own glorious purpose. Cause the TVA is my life. And it's real because I believe it's real. “Fair enough. You believe it's real.”
“Yeah.”
“So everything is written. Past, present, future. There's no such thing as free will.”
“Well, I mean, you know, it's an oversimplification...”
“But practically, yes.” You say, not wanting to hear the in-depth workings of the timeline.
“So, in fact, in a way, us three here at the TVA, we're the only ones who are actually free.”
“Where are you going with this, Loki?”
“How does it all end?”
“That's a work in progress.”
“Those lazy Time-Keepers. What are they waiting for?”
“Au contraire. Because while we protect what came before, they're toiling away in their chamber, untangling the epilogue from its infinite branches.”
“So when they're finished, what happens then?”
“So are we. No more nexus events. Just order. And we meet in peace at the end of time. Nice, right?”
“Do we get to live in peace or do we just disappear because we aren’t needed anymore?” You ask, suddenly concerned that he mentioned the end of time. Loki continues his own questions,
“Only order?” Mobius hums in response. “No chaos? It sounds boring.”
“I'm sure it does to you.” Loki suddenly changes the subject,
“You called me a scared little boy.”
“I called you a lotta things.”
“You did. You're wrong, though. You see, I know something children don't.”
“What's that?”
“That no one bad is ever truly bad. And no one good is ever truly good.” Well that was deep. Mobius looks down at the table in front of him.
“Scared little boy.” He repeats.
“Yes, it was quite patronizing. I thought it was a bit too far, actually.” Loki admits. Mobius looks up, an idea dawning on his face.
“You're very clever.” He tells Loki as he stands up.
“I know.” Loki makes a ‘well obviously’ face as you stand and follow Mobius as he makes his way to the archive.
“The Variant left something behind at an old crime scene. A cathedral. A candy box. An obvious anachronism. I gave it to Analysis, but they couldn't find anything real.”
“Why does that matter?” Loki asks. Mobius unlocks a box on a nearby shelf, before opening it up.
“Cause now we have two variables. Apocalyptic natural disasters and... Kablooie.” He pulls out the candy box.
“What's that?”
“Candy. Do you have candy on Asgard?”
“Yeah. Grapes, nuts.”
“No wonder you're so bitter.”
“There’s a massive vending machine near Renslayer’s office. One time, I’ll buy you one of everything.” You tell Loki as the two of you sit down at your desk. Mobius returns with a huge stack of files.
“Okay. Kablooie was only sold regionally on Earth from 2047 to 2051. All ya gotta do is cross-reference that with every apocalyptic event.” The three of you sit, sorting through the files for sometime. Mobius looks up at you,
“Anything?”
“Well, it's not the climate disaster of 2048.” You tell him, flicking the page over.
“Or the tsunami of 2051.” Loki adds.
“Let's go. Let's go. Come on.”
“2050. The extinction of the swallow. Is that a thing?”
“We killed off the swallows?” You stare at Loki. “How the hell did that happen?” Mobius shrugs,
“Completely screwed up the ecosystem.”
“Krakatoa erupted in 2049 as well. No Kablooie.”
“God, it's just one damn thing after another, isn't it? Cyclone, famine, volcanoes, floods...” Mobius lists, and you can’t help but agree.
“Got him. That's where he is.” Loki pulls open a case file before offering it to you and Mobius. The two of you peer at the papers inside.
“Alabama, 2050.” You read aloud. Loki looks at you both, seeming rather pleased with himself. Mobius grins,
“You're gonna take my job if I'm not careful.”
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Five So-Bad-They're-Good Horror Movies to Cure Your Post-Halloween Depression
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Five So-Bad-They're-Good Horror Movies to Cure Your Post-Halloween Depression
It’s that time of year again, folks. Yes, that irrepressible sadness achieved by horror fans once Halloween comes to a close and all of the spooky fun has been had. Parties attended, candy collected, and now it’s time to go back to your boring, non-spooky existence.
Or is it?
Plenty of websites will give you lists of the best movies out there guaranteed to shock and horrify you. This list will not give you any of those. The following is a list of five horror films that might incite a different reaction in you. This list contains the best of the worst, the most unintentionally hilarious ‘horror’ films ever put to the silver screen. There’s always been something fascinating about movies that set out to scare and end up creating joy in their sheer ineptitude, and for some reason horror seems to be a genre full of these types of movies.
Bear in mind, however, that everyone’s taste is subjective, and what might be considered irredeemably awful to one moviegoer is god-tier cinema to another. None of the movies on this list are meant to offend anybody who likes them, and in fact, I encourage you to seek them out. Sometimes a good, old fashioned spooky laugh can be just what you need to cure the post-Halloween blues.
5. The Wicker Man (2006)
A remake of what was once called “the Citizen Kane of horror films” is already a tough one to get right. No matter how much heart and soul you put into your final product, fans of the original are always going to come at you with their grievances with your remake. Despite this, sometimes you get a remake that not only seems to have been made by people who didn’t care about the original, but seems to have no regard for movies as a concept.
The Wicker Man is based on the 1976 film of the same name, which is most notable for having starred Christopher Lee, who often cited the part as his favorite of all of the roles he’d played. The original is beloved by critics and horror fans everywhere, coming in as number one on quite a few ‘best of’ horror lists. For those who love 70s British horror, its must-see.
It’s intriguing, then, that the remake has somewhat overshadowed the original due to its infamy. It’s hard to pin down exactly what makes this movie so enjoyably terrible. Maybe it’s the fact that Nicolas Cage seems to be constantly shouting; Maybe it’s the weird obsession that the movie seems to have with bees and honey; Maybe it’s the weird matriarchal cult that comes across just a tad bit sexist in hindsight. Whatever the reason, The Wicker Man remains a classic of so-bad-it’s-good horror.
Choice Quote: “How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED?”
4. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Most who know about this movie know about it due to it’s being spotlighted in 1993 on Mystery Science Theater 3000. However, even without the commentary from the crew of the satellite of love, this movie is still one kicker of a beautifully bad movie.
What do you get when you combine a barely-experienced crew and actors, endless scenes of characters aimlessly driving around, polygamist Satanic cult members, and random insert scenes that have little-to-nothing to do with the plot? Well, you get Manos: The Hands of Fate, a 1966 minimal-budget horror film about a family on a vacation who encounter a cult. That’s really about all there is to it. The editing is poor, the acting is wooden. At one point a random pair of teenagers making out in a car and being caught by a police officer interrupts the plot, as if to say to the audience, “We realize there’s not much else interesting happening here, so here’s some eye candy while you wait for something to actually happen.”
According to Wikipedia, the whole thing started when director, producer, and star Harold P. Warren made a bet with a friend that it would be easy to make a horror movie. From that, we got Manos. Oh, and there are a few random scenes where the wives of the movie’s villain The Master get into catfights, seemingly for no reason other than the director wanted to show some women fighting. Take that as you will.
Choice Quote: “Enough! Enough of this stupid bickering! The child must die! If you persist in this foolishness, your usefulness will come to an end!”
3. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
Ed Wood is an interesting director for many reason. For more information about what an enigma that man was, check out Tim Burton’s 1994 biopic. But Wood’s 1959 science fiction-horror feature Plan 9 From Outer Space was cited by Seinfeld as one of the worst movies ever made, and continues to amuse to this day. In a deceptively simple plot, this early feature of the zombie genre (pre-Night of the Living Dead, even!) follows an alien invasion in which the alien’s main goal seems to be the reanimation of dead bodies. Thus, the deceased rise from their graves to pursue the living, referred to not as zombies, but as ‘ghouls’ by the characters.
One notable feature of the film is the fact that frequent collaborator and friend of Ed Wood, Bela Lugosi, has a part in the film. However, halfway through production, Lugosi tragically died, and in the meanwhile Wood brought in a stand-in to hold Lugosi’s place for the scenes with him that they hadn’t shot yet. This results in Lugosi’s stand-in (Tom Mason, by name) attempting to hide the fact that he was not, in fact, Bela Lugosi, by wearing a rather ridiculous-looking Dracula cape and holding it over half of his face. It’s as silly as it sounds.
In addition, the movie features some truly hilarious special effects, including a shot of a UFO flying over California that’s very obviously a paper plate, and a plot that seems to combine The Day the Earth Stood Still and White Zombie into one hilarious package.
Choice Quote: “And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”
2. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
Birdemic is inspired by Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, but upon an initial viewing, the parallels fall flat when compared to the movie’s many technical faults. The atrocious CGI is overshadowed only by the wooden acting and the flat plot. The film follows a software salesman and his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend who suddenly find their town under attack by killer birds that, get this… spit acid and explode into flames when they touch the ground.
If this doesn’t sound good enough for you, just look at those birds. No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you. They don’t remotely blend with the background at all. It looks more like they’ve been merely copy-pasted into the frame than animated whatsoever. One has to watch them in motion to truly appreciate how awkward they move. It’s very obvious that they’ve not been rendered properly, and instead of the fluid motion traditionally associated with computer-generated effects, the bird’s wings flap jerkily, and spin around in a strange 360 degree motion. The movie has been compared to good-bad predecessors such as Plan 9 because of it’s strange and awkward tone, and in fact has been called “the best worst film [of] 2010.”
Choice Quote: “And many have died from starvation, due to the difficulty of finding enough food, such as seals.”
1. Troll 2 (1990)
You’ve seen the clip on YouTube. A young man in glasses stares, horrified, while a fly crawls leisurely across his face. “They’re eating her…” he intones, ominously, “and then they’re going to eat me. Oh my GOOOOOOOOD!” But Troll 2 is more than just one viral video of bad acting. Dig a little deeper, and you’ll find yourself what I believe to be the best bad horror movie there is.
There’s a lot to dissect here. First of all, the name Troll 2 is misleading. The movie is not actually related in any way to the 1986 fantasy film Troll. The movie was actually an unrelated Italian film called Goblins, but when it was released in America, the studio thought it better to attach the film to a previously released property. Most of the conflict on the set came from most of the crew being Italian and not having a very firm grasp of the English language, and that includes the screenwriter, whose clunky dialogue is a staple of this film’s notoriety. According to many of the American actors in this movie, they offered many times to try to make the dialogue sound more natural and a little less like it’d just gotten run through Google Translate, but the director, Claudio Fragasso, shot that one down.
This movie contains many things, but nowhere among those things are any trolls. Yes, you heard me correctly. The movie called Troll 2 contains no actual trolls. The creatures seen above are referred to as goblins throughout the whole thing. The town they live in is even called Nilbog. (No prizes to those among you who can tell in two seconds what ‘Nilbog’ spells backwards. Seems these goblins learned their disguise tactics from Son of Dracula.)
And that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of this mess of a film, which also contains an erotic corn on the cob-eating scene. Yes, really. It must be seen to be believed.
And that concludes the list! Hopefully those of you out there who like a more low-key Halloween got to enjoy some classics of the horror genre, but as a connoisseur of cult cinema, I felt as though it was necessary to spotlight some more unconventional Halloween favorites. So pop one or more of these into your DVD slot or look them up on Netflix, and be prepared to laugh. You might even forget that it’s November.
#birdemic#classic horror#cult cinema#cult films#ed wood#good bad movies#horror#horror-comedy#horrorfiend#horrorpodcast#manos the hands of fate#new horror#nicolas cage#nofs podcast#plan 9 from outer space#so bad it's good#the wicker man#troll#troll 2
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