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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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The Critic Valentine’s Day Double Feature (Pilot/Sherman, Woman and Child)

Vivia Jay Sherman! Viva Quebec! Viva Valentine’s Day! And Viva WeirdKev who as happens for a good chunk of my content payed for this wonderful double feature for one of my favorite shows. The Critic was created by Al Jean and Mike Reis of The Simpsons fame, a comedy team supreme. While I knew the two wrote for the simpsons, more on that iin a minute, I had no idea just how many classics the two churned out: There’s No Disgrace Like Home, Moaning LIsa, The Telltale Head, The Way We Was, Stark Raving Dad (Sadly tainted by it’s guest star being a horirble monster but that’s not their fault), Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington, the treehouse of horror segments The Bart Zone and Clown Without Pity (The second of which may be my favorite treehouse of horror segment), and later coming back to write the story for one of my all time favorites Round Springfield and to outright write the classic “SupercalfragalisticexpalliDOHcious”. And to his credit Jean would later go on to write some classic post-golden age simpsons episodes during his tenure as producer: Lisa’s Sax, Mom and Pop Art, and Children of a Lesser Clod, which is notable if nothing else for this gag.

So yeah the guys are legends and were right to start their own show under Simpsons producer James L Brooks over at ABC. The show followed the adventures of film Critic, Jay Sherman, a parody of film critics with high brow tastes, impossibly high standards, and a huge opinon of himself, having won the pultizer at least once. Despite this he was also constnatly spat and shat on by society, divorced, lonely, depressed and eats like a thousand pigs combined in some horrific science accident. And given the last three parts describe me, as well as my profession of b eing a critic, naturally I love the guy and this show. I’ll get into his cast as we go as the first episode does an excellent job of introducing the entire cast so there’s no sense repeating myself. But the show’s style I can and will talk about: It’s basically Golden Age, i.e. season’s 1-10, simpsons, but with more pop culture refrences and movie parodies, since the show would often feature multiple on Jay’s show coming Attractions and took place in the celebrity hot spot of new york and was a love letter to the city.. and sometimes a hate letter but only when those digs at the city would be funny, which to be fair depsite never having been to or lived in new york most really are. That’s the series key asset: while a LOT of the jokes haven’t aged well as a lot of the celbreity refrences are dated as are some of the movie parodies, most are hilarious wether you get what their making fun of or not and to me tha’ts a good parody: where knowing what their making fun of HELPS, but you can laugh regardless. The show had the charm and pace of the Simpsons while having it’s own unique style and cast that was just as charming and I love it dearly. The show sadly only lasted two seasons, with ABC canceling it after one, and Brooks having it moved over to FOX, which was a good idea and lead to what’s probably my faviorite simpsons episode, a Star is Burns. Ironically despite you know, the show being created by two simpsons writers, backed by one of their producers and perfectly in line, creator Matt Groening was against the idea, publicly ranted about it to the press, and generally was an ass about it. Look I love the guy and even Brooks, Jean and Reiss were all nice enough in thier criticsim of the guy, but sitll very much understandably pissed off. .and i’m with them.

It gave what’s again, my faviorite episode and what is not a “30 minute add” but an episode that easily stands on it’s own and also you know, pokes fun at itself for being a crossover a few times. You don’t need to see the critic to enjoy it, and episodes most iconic gags, Boo-Urns, Man Getting HIt by a Football, Senior Speilbergo, all don’t involve jay. And again the shows were not at all dismilar: While the critic was it’s own thing it still had the simpsons sense of humor and pacing so I saw it more as a petty rant against having a crossover in general more than a legit critcisim. Especially since Groening had no such complaints decades later with the family guy crossover after both shows had all tehir talent surgically removed and had the gall to NOT remove a cheap shot at Bob’s Burgers. And yes i’m still bitter about seeing that in a promo for the special, Bob’s Burgers is fantastic, to the point that now, in a fabulous case of history repeating itself, it’s got it’s OWN show like the critic made by talented former crew members using a similar but sitll throughly unique comedy style , The Great North. My point is that controversy pisses me off, and The Great North is spectacular go watch it while you read this.

So yeah the Critic is awesome, me and Kev are both fans, and there are plenty of romantic episodes abound as the show digs into Jay’s love life quite a few times and has episodes about his son’s first love, his boss finding a wife towards the end of the series, his parents rekindling their spark and in what’s easily my faviorite episode, his sister dating a grunge rocker. So there was no shortage of choices but the choice made was brilliant.. and i’m not saying that because i’m being paid to, as my review of splatter phoenix’s first episode in darkwing duck and woops should show, paying me does not guarantee that I have to LIKE what your paying me to review. But here I did and he pointed out the first episode of each season, with season two being a soft reboot that while keeping the premise and supporting cast changed a few things around and added two new main characters, and both involve jay finding a new love intrest and intorduce a lot of the cast. I found him to be right, so where we are and after the cut i’ll dive into the good and bad of both episodes and see what changed inbetween seasons.

That gag will make sense.. later. Right now it’s time for our very first episode, the show’s very first episode as you could probably tell by the title.

Pilot: The pilot starts with Jay getting touched up by his Makeup Person Doris. Jay is played by legendary comedian John Lovitz, who this show gave me a deep and lasting appreciation for. Lovitz was at the time best known for his 5 year long stint on SNL, and film wise is best known for Three Amigos, the Brave Little Toaster, The Wedding Singer and Rat Race. Sadly while I do geninely love the guy.. he has been in enough crap to destroy the New York Sewer system, as everyone needs money and sadly not everyone appricates the talents of John Lovitz like I do.

So naturally he’s also been in The Stepford Wives remake, Grown Ups 2, The Ridiculous 6, Eight Crazy Nights, North, Benchwarmers and Benchwarmers 2: Breaking Balls. Yes that’s an actual movie, though it’s already better than the first one for virtue of not having Rob Schnider and David Spade starring in it despite.. that title. The irony is not lost on me that Lovitz has essentially made his money starring in the kinds of films Jay was forced to see for his job. Still a VERY talented, very lovely man.

Before we get to our next voice actor up, no profile of Jon would be complete without mentioning that time he slammed Andy Dick’s face into a bar. To make a very long story short, Lovitz was friends with the late great Phil Hartman, who even did some voice work for this very show, whose wife who had severe drug and mental ilness killed them both. Phil had told Lovitz he saw Dick give his wife cocaine, so after Phil’s tragic murder when Lovitz and Dick ended up on the same show, Lovitz ended up exploding at the guy out of grief and blamed him for her death, but later apologized like a gentleman. Living up to his name though Dick later went up to Lovitz at a restraunt Lovitz owned and said “I’m giving you the Phil Hartman curse, you die next”. Granted he was drunk but still...

Naturally Lovitz banned the guy and Lovitz later demanded an apology when the two ran into each other when they ran into each other at Lovitz regular gig at the comed store. Dick not only refused to apologize even when Lovitz put him against a wall, but said it was because “you blamed me for her death”... which was a decade ago with change by this point, the actions of a man GREIVING for his best friend whose wife’s relapse you caused which inadveradntly lead to her and her husband’s death, and something HE APOLOGIZED FOR. Naturally Lovitz took this how you would and did what we’d all like to do in general and broke the shit out of his face and only didn’t do more because they were seperated. IN short this man is a hero and I wil lbring up this story at every opportunity. Doris was played by the late voice actress Doris Grau, a script supervisor who worked on a LOT of films as one , the most notable I could find on wikipedia being Clue. This is a fact I just learned today but boy if it isn’t neat. Grau mostly did aditional voices for shows, most notably Ducktales and the Simpsons, where she played Lunchlady Doris, and of course this show. Still she seemed like a very funny and talented woman and it’s sad she’s gone. The two start the series mostly sniping at each other and while that never ENTIRELY goes away, Doris gets more supportive after a spotlight episode where she and Jay bond and Jay thinks she might be his mom. And while she’s not this surprisingly sticks and for the rest of the series while still not above making potshots at him on occasion, she’s far more supportive. She also informs him she’s out of spray on hair “I’m bald and ugly, get more!”. This show is naturally comedy gold and a lot of it relies on Lovitz sense of timing, though the rest of the cast aren’t slouches but we’ll get to them as we go. She ends up putting a hat over him and we get our first film parody, Rabbi PI starring Anuld, which is alright. Not one of the series best but passable and gets the gimmick of having film parodies on jay’s show across, which was a nice way to set it apart from the Simpsons. Jay reviews it on the Shermometor, a gimmick jay hates and that disappeared by season 2, giving it a bellow zero to the ire of his boss Duke Phillips. Duke is one of the best parts of the show, an unhinged southren billlonare who was a modeled after Ted Turner, down to the mustache, who built up his fried chicken franchise into a multimedia congrlomorate and is also mildly nuts, though that part would be more of a thing in season 2. In season 1, he’s mostly there to make Jay’s life hell, with about half of the seasons episodes having him either fire jay or put his job in jeapordy versus 2 the next season. He’s still not unfunny, but most of his best stuff is in season 2 when Charles Napier’s allowed to cut loose a little more and the character wasn’t shoehorned into just being a clueless executive. Charles Napier is a longtime character actor who showed up in TONS of films and tv shows too many to list.. and trust me with some of the lists of credits before and after this that’s saying something, his biggest voice rolls being in this series and Men and Black the Series as Zed. But needless to say he was ALWAYS this awesome and sadly passed in 2011. Jay’s guest for the day is Valerie Fox, an up and coming actress whose first film kiss of death is coming out soon.. and whose age is an engima and it’s only a problem because if she’s 20, like the episode mildly suggests giving her starting career and her voice actress being that age, then this gets really gross as jay is 17 years older than her then. But given she looks older than that and sounds certainly older than that, i’m going more with 30, since she looks more like it, and sharon stone, who she’s mildly based on given she stars in a basic instinct knockoff and does the leg thing, was 32 at the time of basic instinct. Valerie is voiced by Jennifer Lien, aka Kes from star trek voyager who I only know about because of reviews done by SF Debris and Allison Pregler. She was the childlike love intrest of Nelix, the ship’s resident pain in the audience asses who made them BEG for early seasons wesley crusher and who once, and I saw footage this wasn’t SF Debris exagreated, lunged at a crewmate in a jealous rage, unfounded by the way since Tom was AVOIDING kes depsite being attracted to her as he just wnated her to be happy and to not mess up her relationshpi, and screamed “i’ll kill you!”. Point is she hasn’t had a huge career, but was still worth noting and does a fantastic job here. Again I did not realize she was that young at the time by her voice, and that means she did a great job.

So Jay’s smitten with her, finds her super attractive and she asks him out.. but to the show’s credit, and Jay’s he does try to rebuff her because he knows ther’es a conflict of intrest there.. but ends up giving in. However at least the show not only is upfront that there’s an issue here but that ends up being the thrust of the last act. Granted there’s still some.. questionable stuff like when she does the basic instinct leg cross and he says “can we get a shot of that”, which no.. Jay.. no you can’t. Ewwww. Seen far worse, like It’s Pat, which was a VERY real SNL sketch about people trying to guess the titular pat’s gender because that’s not creepy or invasive even for the time. And they made a movie out of it because Wayne’s World was popular forgetting that Wayne’s World, one of my faviorite movies by the way and one I need to cover here sometime this year now the thought’s occured to me, was a labor of love, with a talented director and actual ideas from it’s two leads who actually fleshed out the character versus a concept that was NEVER funny to begin with and has gotten down right horrifying with age. And wasn’t I talking about the Critic? Not the abusive jackass mind you, Jay Sherman.

Ah yes so Jay takes Valerie to a date at Lane Riche, the rich jackass where we meet Vlada, a vaugely european man whose your typical hollywood suckup. As Jay puts it in a later episode Vlada: I love you too Jay: You only love my money Vlada: That’s true but it is a love that will never die. He also naturally scoots Jay to a less nice table in the Critic’s section once Conan O’Brian shows up... which WAS supposed to be a different kind of joke, as at the time Conan was just a writer on the simpsons and SNL, but now given he has a decades long career in late night and famously said fuck you to NBC during that whole Tonight Show debacle, which netted him his own show on TBS, it comes off more as the kind of self deprciating gag Conan makes about himself. So in other words it’s actually funnier now?

As for the critic’s section that’s a part of the series I’ve neglected to talk about so let’s do that: The kind of critic Jay is, one who plays clips of the movie and reviews them.. on television. And were usually academics who looked down on popular film, the kind Siskel and Ebert popularized, and both suprisingly had a huge guest apperance in season 2 and even reviewed the show on their show. This kind of film criticism just dosen’t exist on tv that i’m aware of anymore, and mostly lives on with internet reviewers , many of whom were inspiried by critics like this, and who range from acadmeics to average joes to some mixture of both. It never went away just simply went to a younger generation. Some of which squandred it and somehow still have a career like certain abusuive jackasses i’ve mentioned enough with that one gag a few paragraphs ago. Point is it’s a much more varied and different game now so the critic ended up as one of those shows or movies where the main characters very job feels like an artifact of it’s time, like our heroes in Wayne’s World hosting a public acess show, when nowadays they’d just put it up on youtube or the entire idea of a UHF station in well.. UHF. It’s not a BAD thing, just something to note.

But the date goes well as Valerie shows she’s really into jay and even takes him oggling her in stride, though we do get an utter classic of a gag when Jay says something about women being drawn to him.. and cue an old woman asking to rub his nonexistant hump for luck “You hunchbacks are all alike”. She does so anyway to his understandable annoyance.

But the two go back to Jay’s place, talk about his acomplishments including a pulitzer and then well.. the obvious happens they go to bed together and the next day after Valerie is horrified at his just woke up fac,e he gives her an easy out but she’s fine with it. It honestly shows just how low the poor guy’s self esteem is that he just.. assumes a woman will regret having slept with hima nd walk out and while played for laughs it really gives a clear look into Jay’s mental state: He’s so full of self loathing, not helped by the world being out to get him, that it’s really oddly endearing. And VERY releatable. The two are interupted by Jay’s son Marty. Marty is played by the very recognizable and very wonderful Christine Cavanagh, who sadly passed away in 2014. She voiced Chuckie Finster, Gosalyn Mallard, Oblina, Dexter from Dexter’s Lab and the titular pig from Babe. She decided to retire in 2001, so while her career was only about a decade she made quite the impact and is sorely missed. Unsuprisingly her usual voice is perfect for the very awkward Marty, who Jay asks to tell eveyrone about the beautiful woman in his bed especially his unfaithful and utterly loathsome ex wife ardith.

This scene demonstrates two problems. The first is just the pilot as Jay’s kind of sleazy. While Jay being thirsty wouldn’t go away, especially in the episode Lady Hawke, it’d be made more awkwardly endearing. Here there are moments of him just plain being creepy like the aformentioned oggling, which while not bad in itself, if a bit awkawrd, also has him creepily muttering to himself while doing so which removes any charm or relatability and just sends it straight into needing 10 showers just to wash this scene off. The rest of the series would just turn him into a bit desperate at worst. It also explains why the only other romantic story the guy has in the season is a pastiche of misery. Thanfully this would be GREATLY adjusted next season but we’ll get to that.

The other problem is just the tone... we get a good half a minute of Marty talking about how he calls Ardith’s boyfriend “Uncle Al” because he likes him a lot.. to his dad’s face. And granted his dad is being creeptastic this episode but the early episodes just pile on the Jay hatred by the world a bit thick, to the point one episode puts him as “worse than hitler”. Granted the audience is full of idiot teens who have no idea who hitler is, and the gag is kinda funny, but it makes my point: Jay is just utterly shat on by the world, and while he does get a few wins, most are undercut by something awful and it gets taxing sometimes. The guy is just too loveably pathetic to hate, too relatable even as a teen and not snobish enough to be really loathsome or WANT to see him knocked down by the world. It’s not overwhelming enough to ruin the first season, it still has good episodes but this episode does highlight a LOT of these problems. He does get to spend the day with val though, dancing outside the trump buliding, seriously even back then he was a joke and his lack of money half the time was well known.. how did the last four years happen, and they tell each other they love each other. I’d aww if I didn’t know how this ended. So jay relates the good news of how he feels to his best friend, Jeremy Hawke, played by Maurice LaMarche. LaMarche is one of the most talented voice actors alive, a master of impersonations paticuarlly orson welles, who was naturally brought on board because they knew they were going to need a lot of celebrity voices for the film parodies and needed one or two guys to do them to keep it cheap. The guy is like most of this cast a legend in the industry, having voiced the Brain, Squit, Dizzy Devil, the Human Ton, Big Bob Pataki, Egon Spengler, Sleet, Kiff Kroker, Headless Body of Agnew, Morbo, Various other Futurama characters because that list is long, Mortimer Mouse, Blue Falcone, Father, Yosemite Sam, Vincent Van Ghoul, Doctor Doom, Abradolf Lincler, and Odval. Point is the guy has been engranged in my childhood and adulthood and will probably even after he’s gone come back from the grave to do some voices. He even got the part of Jeremy Hawke here because he happened to do a REALLY good australian accent depsite not being australian. Jeremey was a combination of paul hogan, the star of the Crocodile Dundee movies and at the time sex symbol and at this time known anti semite Mel Gibson. Obviously neither of those refrences has aged paticuarlly well, but since hollywood ALWAYS has room for a super hunk from australia, just ask Chris Hemsworth or before him Hugh Jackman, the character still works and his breakout role, Crocodile Ghandi is so ludcrious it works. I.e. a white australian man playing the mahtma and saying before he brings peace “First a tasteful shot of my bum for the ladies. Jeremy, while sometimes increidbly oblvious, is still a fairly nice easygoing guy and an extremley loveable character. And whie Jay worries about Valrie meeting him because he’s sex on a cracker she ignores him and jay gloats for a bit, paticuarlly with the great bit “take your genatalia right back to australia”. And while Jeremy’s happy for him he tries to reign Jay in when Jay talks asking her to marry him. As Jeremy later relates on Jay’s fire escape “Bubala, i’ve learned there’s two things you should never do: Marry an actress and wear blackface to the naacp image awards. Two things I found out the hard way. “

So Jay takes her to meet his parents and finds out he’s adopted.. and their also rich. Jay’s waspy parents are his cold and overly honest mother Elanor, played by Judith Ivey, his kooky dad and THE best part of the series Franklin played by Gerrit Grahm and his loving and free spirited teenager sister Margo played by Nancy Cartwright. Okay (cracks knuckles) here. we. go. Judith Ivey is a tony wining stage actress and has also directed numerous plays and is mostly known for her stage work but I know her from Designing Women where she played BJ in the last season. Garret Grahm apparently shows up in a lot of brian depalma movies, including Beef in phantom of the paradise, a lot of tv work and to my shock the asshole dad from Child’s Play 2. Another thing I genuinely love I wasn’t aware an actor or actress from this series had a part in. Finally there’s Nancy Cartwright, who you DEFINTELY know from the Simpsons, where she plays Bart, along with Nelson, Ralph, Kearny, Database, and Maggie, and Kearny. Other credits include Pistol Pete, Mindy from Animaniacs, Chuckie Finster picking up for Christine Cavanagh ironically enough, Lu and Rufus from Kim Possible. She’s a talented lady and i’m glad sh’es still around. Whew.

Okay so yeah I do love the shermans and fraknlin is again easily the best part of an already excellent series and unlike Duke that’s in full display here, with him saying, when his wife mentions they were going to give jay back at one time, “Son if I’ve said it once I said it a thousand times.. who are all you people. “ and he’d only get better. Sadly he’s NOT in sherman woman and child. Our loss really. But he’s in pretty much every other episode of season 2 thankfully and most of this season so eh, fair trade off. Also we get the classic line, after Jay says he’ll love valrie even when he’s decaying in the ground, his mom quips “Cna’t we go one meal without talking about your rotting corpse?” Though Eleanor understandably thinks Valarie is using jay for a good review. Margo suspects her of the same and takes her on a horse ride, though all she can gleam is that Val genuielly loves jay and welcomes her to the family. Jay however does decide to duck out of the inteview by faking sick, which leads to a really sweet moment where Valerie visits him and they dance, in a hilaroius but oddly sweet parody of Beauty and the Beast, Beauty and King Dork. Despite the title and the song insluting him a LOT it’s still just endearing. This is a problem but we’ll get to in just a moment WHY all these touching moments are a problem. So naturally things don’t go that well for Jay as Duke has a tape of the film sent to him “My shrink was right: GOd does hate me!”

Naturally kiss of death is bad and valrie is bad in it and Jay is left uncertain what to do, but eventually decides he has to do what he feels is right,.. though he does take a picture of her while she’s sleeping. “In case you do leave”

So in a tender and heartbreaking moment Jay is honest, the movie does suck and she’s not good but he does compliment her, for her personality not her body despite his skeevy behavior and say she could get better. Instead when he arrives home.. she dumps him to his face and leaves never to be seeen again while he assumes she’ll come back. And that’s the issue it’s GENUINELY hard to tell if we’re supposed to side with Jay. On one hand he genuinely loves her and does the right thing and on the oth er he’s kinda creepy. It’s a mixed tone that just sorta hurts thing and something the series DID fix after this, as it found a better ballance of the guy being pitable while also still being an ass and ONLY usually being punished when he does something actually wrong, the only exception being Dial M for MOther which is easily the weakest episode of the series. The episode does close on a really funny moment as Jay’s dispondent because “I’m sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I don’t knwo where to direct it”. Marty mentions a new Sylvester Stallone movie where “He plays a concert pianst who” And jay dosen’t even need the rest of that to shout “To the multiplex!” The man is back

Final Thoughts for Pilot: This episode is not bad. It has it’s flaws as I said, mostly in tone, but the series would iron that out and it’s still a great pilot that organically introduces the entire main cast in one episode and really gives us the full idea of who Jay Sherman is. It’s also REALLY funny, as the series should be and it would get better, but i’d still put it over some more awkward first episode like Letterkenny’s “No Reaosn to Get Excited”, even with it’s brilliant ending or Bojack Horseman’s first episode whose title is way too long to put here in an article that’s already long as hell about about to get longer. But like those series this pilot worked pass the awkwardness and the result is a damn good series. but if you want a better idea of what it became.. wellllllll

Sherman, Woman and Child: So yeah as you can tell JSUT by contrasting images a few things were changed up between seasons, part of it at network instance. The designs were softened , the color palette was brightened with jay being the most noticably alterted between seasons.

The execs wanted jay a bit warmer, so his face was given wider more expressive eyes and was also scrucnehd down a bit. He was also made slightly less of a jackass, with his elitisim toned down a bit and his creepeir moments gone. For instance he no longer had a split personality/imaginary secretary named ethel. That was actually a thing. It didn’t even really change Jay as a person, this very episode mentions him not liking the Lion King, and he’s still snooty, he’s jusst not as punchable about it and that was for the best. But the cringe comedy in general was taken down a peg and replaced with more fun weirdness, which wihle present in season 1 really pops more here, especially with Jay’s dad who sadly dosen’t show up in this episode, but at various points dresses up like El Kabong, puts on the mask from the mask (”He did the same thing at Nixon’s funeral”), and blows up famous works of art while babysitting. But yeah things get a bit more surreal like the simpsons from season 4 onward, ironically enough given these guys left to make their own show, and it’s to the show’s benefit.

But besides a lighter tone, they also wanted two things to hook viewers in: A permenant love intrest for Jay, and an adorable kid character. The former.. was acutlaly quite resonable, as i’td both give jay a “win” as it were, allow the cast to have another femlae character and give him someone else to confide in besides Doris or Jeremy, to give those characters a break. The other was less so and we’ll get into why when we meet her.

This episode really is a second pilot, reintroducing about half of the main cast. Marty, Elanor, Margo and as I said Franklin are all absent. But their reintroduced soon enough with the fourth episode in both broadcast and dvd order, and my personal faviorite “A Song for Margo, is entirely focused on Jay’s parents and sister, while Lady Hawke has marty breifly at the start for broadcast order and he’s in the frmaing device for Sherman of Arabia in dvd order. So the characters all get a proper reintroduction to new audiences, but it was the right call to NOT shove them into this one, still introducing new people to the new cast, but letting the two new additions to it breathe and get properly intergrated into this universe.. well more Alice than Penny but we’ll get to that. It’s part of why, besides the genuine extra coat of polish aand seasonal changes I feel this is the better episode.

So we open with Jay on his show and two parodies in a row. The first is a few good men but with Jack Nichelson making fun of Christan Slater for sounding like him even though. they honestly aren’t too similar other than both doing that pause thing a bit. So yeah not their best but the second segment makes up for it “The Nightmare Before Channukah” a parody of the nightmare before christmas that was so beautifully animated and funny, that they actually bumped it up to the season premiere. But while the parodies are good Jay’s show is once again, this happened a LOT in season one, in jeapordy, being beaten by the Benedictine monk variety hour. Which while the Bendictine Monks are VERY much an artifact of the 90′s a choir of monks that somehow went mainstream, the whole segment is so absurd and wonderful it stands on it’s own and is still funny to me in 2021. Duke comes in anda fter trying to softball things shows the change I mentioned: He’s actually sorry the show is in danger and is genuinely sincere that he’s sad he’ll probably have to cancel it versus season 1 where he was ready to cancel it what felt like every other episode. And I prefer this, where he can still mess with jay or flex his power over him, but is more cordial with the guy and it allows more jokes between the two.

So Jay’s not doing so good.. and during his crappy day he spots a 30 something woman and her young daughter struggling in the rain and stops his cab to help. And gets maced for it “MMM, Jalapeno”. Though Alice does apologize and Jay does understand as it is New York and she graciously takes the offer. It’s in the cab their properly introduced. Aliice thompkins and her daughter penny who in a great bit punches jay in the nose for not liking the lion king (”rex reed did the same thing”) and then kissing him on the nose in apology (”Rex did that too” And he acompanies them in.. and also gets conked on the head by a potted plant and put in a materinity dress.

So we get to know Alice and what her deal is: Alice was once married to and supported the career of country star Cyrus Thompkins who was.. less than subtle in his music about how faithful he was

Easily one of my favorite gags of the series if in part for Pat Overall’s delivery. So she moved from Knoxville to New York to prove to her daughter a woman can make it on her own, and proves she’s smart, talented and driven she just needs a break. She seemingly gets one in a man in a bright white outfit who says “this is your ticket out of this rundown flophouse” only for him to cheerfully exclaim “Your being evicted!”... PFFFTT. Cue where the commerical would be

So during this lull in the action let’s talk about Alice and Penny’s voice actresses: Alice is voiced by Park Overall, though for some weird reason I thought she was voiced by Hollly Hunter. Dunno why. Park is an outspoken liberal, supporting my boy bernie sanders in 2016 and in general seems like a fascenating lady. Naturally like with Jay’s parents I know her from something more oddly specific, the sitcom Reba, as I did not realize she voiced alice depsite using a similar voice for her character there, Reba’s best friend Lori Ann.. And while Park TRIED her best.. the character didn’t work out: a combination of it being simply funnier that barbra jean tried to wedge herself into the roll and the fact Reba really didn’t need a horny abrasive sidekick meant the charcter had a very short shelf life and the audience had very low patience for her. I did like her constnatly insulting Brock as he was not a good person andi t was nice SOMEONE besides Reba actually got to roast him on a regular basis.

Penny was voiced by the one and only Russi Taylor, who sadly passed in 2019. She voiced Huey Dewey and Louie, Webby Vanderquack, Minnie Mouse, Fantasma, the imcomprable martin prince...

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Among tons of smaller rolls. She’s sadly missed. We’ll get more into what they add or subtract from the show in a minute, as the next day at work Jay wonders how to help, though Duke’s interjection gives us two great gags: his “30 second workout” which involvees throwing jay around like a medicine ball and.. well this.

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The man is a legend for a reason. He earned that golden statue. So Jay TRIES slipping alice the money only to give it “To my good friend crazy postman”, and Alice refuses the money due to pride.. even if you know, she has a small child and new york is expensive but Jay finds a better solution, hire her.. even if it’d make it impossible for them to date. For all of one episode. What keeps the power dynamics from feeling EUGUUUUGGHH here is that Jay treats alice like an equal partner at work and dosen’t let their relationship really impact things outside of one episode, and dosen’t use his position to get into a relationship with her nor does she use being responsible for a turn in his fortune for hers.

And yes turn in fortune, as a makeover and a change of attidue under Alice’s direction, which is utterly amazing to watch and wow’s duke and hte audience, wins back his fans and his job is secure. Duke meets alice and we get more great duke stuff. including something truly iconic...

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I want bears who sing for me, doo dah, doo dah. But yeah things are well though Jay ends up admitting to Jeremy he can’t stop thinking about her “Her merest smile is like pedals of the empreror’s bathwater, BATHWATER I TELL YOU BATHWATER. “ So Jeremey encourages him carpe canum “Seize the dog”. He does so.. and the day but instead finds Alice with her ex Cyrus whose trying to win her back. Wuh oh. Once the asshole leaves, and agrees to give her the night to think, Alice admits the only reason she’s considering it is she has a weakness: his singing melts her like butter on a bagle (”God i’ve been in new york too long”. ) Jay tries to talk her out of it at the critics meeting for “Dennis the Meance II Society” which involves Dennis pulling a drivebye on mr wilson.. why wasn’t this the second live action dennis the meance movie? WHY I ASK YOU. But Jay gets a good idea, as Alice TRIES to tell the asshole to get to stepping (And to see penny often, she’s not a monster), he works his evil song magic.. only for Jay to undercut it with his own amazing song on acordian. “Cyrus is just a virus, he wants to tie you down while your still young. Your potetial, is what’s essential, you could someday be another connie chung!” And that ultiamtely shows WHY jay is the better man. He just wants what’s best for her and dosen’t care if it’s him, he just wants it not to be THIS asshole. He’s not even trying to win her over, which a lot of these gestures creepily lead to. He just wants to help her be who she’s MEANT to be. And that’s why this works better: Instead of a fake relationship built on lust and someone conning the other person, it’s a real one built on genuine chemistry. Also Alice you know dosen’t just.. vanish after an episode but is a permenant part of the cast. I mean she does for the webisodes but we don’t talk about those.

So our hero undercuts Cyrus one more time Cyrus: “Loverrrr, without you there’s no other” Jay: Give him a chance he’ll do your mother....

I mean he’s not worng, So Cyus is sent packing and we get a nice romantic moment between the two.

Final Thoguhts: Sherman, Woman and Child This one is truly excellent. It relaunchs the show on all cyllanders. And frankly Alice was a fine addition to the cast: her own fully fleshed out woman with her own personality outside of jay, who was tough, smart and a good counterpoint and confidant to Jay and it felt like she’d always fit. Penny on the other hand, apologizes to the late Russi Taylor who tries her best, just dosen’t work and feels ultra cloying and out of place in the series and unspurisingly is barely used after this. But overall a better pilot than the actual pilot was already pretty good and a fine pair of episodes. Check em out whenever the series eithe rgets on a streaming platform or pops back up on youtube as Sony’s struck it down... despite not putting it up anywhere i’m aware of. Seriously sell it to HBO Max or Disney I want a reboot. But for now this series is awesome check it out and until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure.

#the critic #jay sherman #alice thompkins #marty sherman #duke phillips #pilot #sherman mother and child #jon lovitz #the simpsons #mike reiss #al jean #abc #fox #animation #the 90s

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im-not-corrupted · 4 years

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Safi, No (A Witchlands Fanfiction) - Chapter Four

Written with @un-empressed, who wrote Safi’s POV!

Chapter Summary:

Safi Recruits Vaness and Serafin is still an asshole to Vivia.

Read the other chapters here: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three

Also on Ao3!

The plan had been going wonderfully. Safi 'accidentally' stepped on Merik's hand as he was tying his shoelaces outside of the school that morning.

Surprisingly, he hadn't said anything. It was probably from shock. Safi didn't see why else he'd respond with an 'oh, it's okay' to her plainly sarcastic apology.

There was no way Iseult was right about him not doing what he did on purpose. In fact, he probably wanted to make her think he was nice. Maybe he wasn't as stupid as he seemed and sensed that she would get revenge. It was the only explanation for the half-hearted smile he gave her, and how fast it disappeared once he caught up to his friend.

Safi had no time to dwell on that, though. She needed to find Vaness, and then convince her to help them. Leopold doubted she could do that, and Iseult told her that bribery and corruption wasn't the way, but Safi couldn't care less.

Safi didn't disagree - she knew that Iseult will always be the more rational one out of the two of them - but she didn't care for being rational. Not when Merik Nihar was out there speaking over people and... And speaking over people. He was a despicable person and she was about to get him back for that.

It was hard to find Vaness, especially because Safi didn't know where to look. She only talked with her once, and that one time was wasted on pointless yelling. Pointless because of the fact that Safi was definitely not the bad guy in the situation, and also because she would never listen to constructive criticism, no matter how forcefully worded it was.

But no matter how hard it was, it was harder for Safi to admit to Leopold that she couldn't even find Vaness, much less convince her to help. And her hard work paid off, because she found her target ten minutes before class started.

"What?" Vaness asked as soon as Safi approached her. Well, Leopold had warned her that Vaness wasn't very pleasant. He had more experience with her, having, as he put it, tested her limits on several occasions. Safi didn't want to ask if he found out what her limits were, but the look on his face gave her all the answers.

"I need your help."

Vaness rolled her eyes. "What makes you think I would want to help you?"

"We have common goal." Vaness let out a mocking laugh, motioning for Safi to continue. "You want me to be quiet, and I am not going to shut up until I do everything in my power to make Merik Nihar's life living Hell. Your help would be very appreciated."

"So you're bribing me with what? Common decency that I will not get from you in any other way? Will you talk even louder to spite me if I reject your offer?"

Safi would have liked to say she wouldn't, but it was exactly the kind of thing she'd definitely do. She wondered how Vaness could have known that.

"Don't reject my offer and you won't have to find out." Vaness didn't seem impressed, but Safi guessed it took a lot to impress her. Still, she didn't look entirely unimpressed either, which Safi was very proud of.

"What you're asking me to do is petty and far below me, but I have nothing to lose. It might bring some joy into my days, but the moment it gets too much I'm out. Understand?"

Safi smiled triumphantly. "Understand."

"Good. I suppose I should give you my number, if we are to do this right," Vaness said, already pulling out her phone. If it was anybody else, Safi might have made a remark about how weird it was not to know your own phone number, but she knew that the alliance would be short lived if she did that. No, she needed to act cleverly.

Safi opened her bag, trying to find her phone. Iseult lectured her about how she needed to start putting it in her jacket pockets or anywhere that would not make trying to find it a journey with seemingly no end.

Finally she found it between her books. The last time she found it in a short amount of time, it wasn't a good day for her. She had put her house key next to her phone and the screen was broken by the end of the day. Leopold still mentioned it sometimes. He thought it was hilarious. Iseult not so much, but she still found it funny the first time Safi told her.

Thankfully, this time her phone was exactly as it was this morning.

"Took you long enough," Vaness said. Safi had to stop herself from answering sarcastically. She had a feeling Vaness wouldn't appreciate it.

By the time Vaness told Safi her phone number, the bell rang. Safi walked towards her classroom, more joyful than she was before. Everything was going according to her plan. [x] Vivia Nihar was standing in front of her father again. She tried to mask it, she did, but it was hard to hide her disappointment. Again, her father had only called her in to complain to her about her studies. And Vivia didn't know why he had to - she was doing perfectly well in school. She was passing everything with straight As - maybe one or two Bs, but she was working on it. Why did she have to do more? Why couldn't this be enough? But nothing was ever enough for her father, who believed he was a great example of what perfection should look like, despite how stupid that was. "Vivia," he sighed, as if that would convince her to listen. "You need to work harder. You only just passed Math." "But I did pass," she argued, but it was weak. Compared to her father, her voice was small, barely noticeable. "Doesn't that count for something?" "You need to do better. You want to get into a good college, right?" Serafin stared at her, an eyebrow raised. When she didn't say anything, he decided to instead. "Thought so. I want to see more improvement." Then he did that motion with his hands again, focusing on the file in front of him. Again, Vivia was left standing in the door way, a familiar sense of deja vu overcoming her. She couldn't count the amount of times her father had done the same thing. Was that all he cared about? Whether she was successful or not? She waited for him to look up, to give her a small smile and ask how her day was. But that didn't happen, and she felt foolish for wishing it would. Surely she would know better after so many years of this? Instead she went upstairs, laying in bed and pulling her duvet up over her head. She debated listening to music, but she couldn't be bothered to get her phone, so she didn't bother. Besides, she didn't even remember where she put it. So she simply lay in bed, ignoring everything else. Until something vibrated under her pillow and she reached under to grab it. It was her phone, but she couldn't remember how it got there, and failed to see how it mattered. She smiled slightly when she saw a message from theriverstix. The two had talked for most of last night, and while Vivia woke up exhausted that morning, it was worth it. Theriverstix was incredibly funny to talk to, and Vivia was glad they had messaged her. theriverstix: Hi!! Vivia smiled, too, as she sent a quick 'Hi' back theriverstix: How are you? She cheers on her lip slightly, fingers hovering over the keyboard on her phone, as she debated what to say. She wasn't the best, not after her father, but she wasn't overwhelmingly sad, either. In the end, she just sent, better now that I can talk to you. How are you? The reply came quick. theriverstix: I'm good! What do you mean, better now? Was there something wrong? Vivia wasn't sure how to reply to that. How did one reply to that? Oh, I'm alright, my father is just an asshole and doesn't actually care about me? She couldn't tell theriverstix that. Could she? Maybe she could. What did she have to loose? The chances of her ever meeting theriverstix in person was incredibly slim, so what did it matter? It could only end two different ways - theriverstix being sympathetic, or theriverstix not really caring. And based on their conversation last night, the last one wasn't really an option. She chewed her lip again before replying. There's nothing wrong. My father is just an asshole. Vivia rarely ever swore but she figured her father was worth at least one. theriverstix: Oh, that sucks. Do you want to talk about it? This time, Vivia didn't really say anything. Just - No, I'm fine. Anyway. How was your day? Her father was an asshole, yes, but she was used to it. She didn't want to talk about it. theriverstix: Ugh, don't even ask. Remember that friends' best friend I told you about? Vivia laughed slightly. She most definitely did remember. Theriverstix had told her all about it, actually. It was quite the story, of course. theriverstix: Great. Well, he decided to be kind to this one person he annoyed and wont stop being annoying. Smiling again, she typed, Oh, poor you. theriverstix: Yes, poor me! I'm not sure how much longer I can cope. Vivia grinned as she sent a few laughing emojis, conveying how funny she found this. theriverstix: It's not funny! It's hilarious, Vivia replied, because it was. theriverstix: ...well, maybe a little. Vivia was just about to reply when her door burst open, very dramatically. At first, she thought it was Merik - 'dramatic' was his signature style - and she groaned. She was not in the mood to be dealing with her brother. Thankfully, though, it was only Vaness, who strutted inside like she owned the place. Vaness didn't even bother with a 'hello', instead choosing to start a conversation with, "You will not believe what happened today." Vivia rolled her eyes and sat up, glaring at her friend. "A - hello to you to! B - What are you doing here? And C - what happened today?" Vaness, again, didn't bother with any explanation or responding to her 'hello'. "Do you remember that girl I told you about, Safi?" Vivia frowned, going through her memory of yesterday. She couldn't remember hearing about a girl named Safi, but that was to be expected. Vaness complained about at least ten people per day, for various reasons, so Vivia really didn't remember all of them. "Um, no." "You know, the girl who was spoken over by Merik?" Vaness frowned when she didn't show any recognition. "The one who disrupted the class by talking to her friends who offered to bury a body?" "Nope." Her friend rolled her eyes. "Well, Safi has come up with a plan to make Merik's life hell. And she wants me involved." Vivia raised an eyebrow. A plan to make Merik's life hell? She hated him, sure, but that was taking a bit too far. "Did you get involved?" "Yes," Vaness sighed. She raised a hand when Vivia opened her mouth to speak. "I know, it's beneath me. But she bribed me." "Did she, now?" Vivia asked, but she wasn't really paying attention. Her phone had vibrated. theriverstix: Hello? Did you die of laughter? Vivia smiled as she replied. No, my friend just decided now would be a good time to burst into my bedroom. "Yes, she did!" Vaness replied, sounding outraged by this. "She threatened to keep distracting me during class if I didn't join. Hey, you should join. Maybe you'd make some friends." Vivia rolled her eyes. She didn't care about making friends, and she certainly would not be involved in a plan to make Merik's life hell. "No thanks." She was perfectly fine how she was, and besides, she had friends. theriverstix: Hah, poor you.

#The Witchlands #The Witchlands Fanfiction #Safi No #Safi No Chapter Four #Safi #Safiya Fon Hasstrel #Merik Nihar #Trying to remember all the characters that appear in this chapter ahhhhhhh #Vaness #Vivia Nihar #Serafin Nihar #Serafin is an asshole in every universe #Serafin is still an asshole I'm sorry #Truthwitch #Sightwitch #Windwitch #Bloodwitch #Susan Dennard #Also trying to find the links to all the other chapters is exhausting and very hard oh god help me

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nuka-nuke · 5 years

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OTP songs

I got tagged by @ronqueesha, thank you!!

I tag @life-is-no-sugarlicking, @radbeetle and @amalthemir

Jack and Vivia

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

Yours was the first face that I saw I think I was blind before I met you I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been But I know where I want to go

And so I'd thought I'd let you know That these things take forever, I especially am slow But I realized that need you And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night Just to meet me in the morning And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed You felt as if you just woke up

And you said "This is the first day of my life I'm glad I didn't die before I met you But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you And I'd probably be happy"

{Before meeting Vivia, Jack was troubled from his time in the military. He mostly lived out of his car and traveled from city to city trying to find answers to the mental turmoil he was left with, but every time he left a city he was only left feeling more empty than before. Until he found her-- and then all the sudden he felt like he had found his place again.}

Will You Return? - Avett Brothers

I open my door and here's what occurs A pretty little gal with pretty little curls Leans to the side, leans on my mind

I don't want to live, but I sure don't want to die I'm stuttering again and tellin' her goodbye Oh m-m-my, Goodb-b-bye

Will you come again? It's hard to say I surely hope so

{This song always makes me think of their first meeting, when Jack was too shy to say anything, but couldn’t pass the opportunity. He picked her up in his tow truck, and when she left, he kicked himself for not getting her name. But she came back to the garage... and made sure he got her number.}

Remember Me, I’m The One Who Loves You - Johnny Cash

When you're all alone and blue No one to tell your troubles to Remember me, I'm the one who loves you

When this world has turned you down And not a true friend can be found Remember me, I'm the one who loves you

And through all kinds of weather You'll find I'll never change Through the sunshine and the shadows I'll always be the same

{Jack loves her more than anyone, and this song is just totally him!}

#THANK YOU!#forgot to put tags whoops #fallout 4 #fallout oc #my oc #jack euler #vivia euler #oc reference #oc asks

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civilwarren · 7 years

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GHOST STORIES AND HISTORY -- WHAT COULD BE BETTER?

Here's a ghost story about Oklahoma's (Indian Territory's) Fort Gibson.

The fort guarded the American frontier in Indian Territory from 1824 until 1890. When constructed, the fort lay farther west than any other military post in the United States; it formed part of the north–south chain of forts intended to maintain peace on the frontier of the American West and to protect the southwestern border of the Louisiana Purchase.

As the sun came up on a bitterly cold morning in January 1870, a sentry patrolling the grounds around Fort Gibson in the Indian Territory discovered the body of one of the fort's troopers, young private Thomas, lying dead across a grave in the cemetery neat the fort. The body was taken to the fort's infirmary and as the doctor tried to discover the cause of death, an unusual discovery was made.... Private Thomas, who had enlisted only a few weeks before, was a woman.

As the doctor and the fort's commanding officer pondered just how she had managed to pass herself off as a man and get into the Army, the old priest at the fort came forward with one of the strangest stories in American military history. Thomas had given her secret to the old priest just a few days before her death. The priest's story was the beginning of the legend of Vivia, which has been told by the people of eastern Oklahoma ever since.

Vivia Thomas was the daughter of a wealthy family from Boston. She had been educated at the finest schools and attended the finest affairs of Boston society. It was during one of these elegant parties following the Civil War that Vivia met and fell in love with a handsome Army officer.

After several months of courtship, their engagement and wedding plans were announced, but then suddenly, shortly before their wedding day, the young officer disappeared. He left Vivia an apologetic note and explained that he was going out west in search of adventure.

Brokenhearted and seeking revenge for the embarrassment that the young man had caused her, Vivia left home in search of the man who had betrayed her. When she learned that he had been stationed at Fort Gibson, in the Indian Territory, her journey began. The trip was extremely difficult but the fury in her heart pushed her onward.

During the several months of her journey, Vivia cut off all of her long, flowing hair and started dressing in men's clothing. At first, her motive had simply been to disguise herself for protection while traveling through rough country, but the disguise proved so successful that she decided to use it to get close to the young officer by enlisting in the Army at Fort Gibson.

In the months that followed, she somehow avoided detection and she carefully stayed away from her former lover, watching him closely and wondering how she would go about exacting her revenge upon him. The young officer had taken up with an Indian woman who lived a short distance from the fort and he visited her each evening. Vivia followed him through the darkness on may occasions, each time growing more bitter.

On a cold winter evening in late December of 1869, Vivia followed the officer on his trip. She waited for him behind and outcropping of stone and when he rode by on his horse, she shot him with her rifle, hitting him in the chest and knocking him off of his horse. She left him there on the ground and the next morning, his body was discovered by a passerby and brought to the fort. The soldiers at the fort assumed that he had been killed by Indians.

At first, Vivia was happy that her quest for revenge had been satisfied, but then after a few days, she realized what she had done and became deeply grieved. She began leaving her quarters every night and going to the young man's grave, where she wept uncontrollably and would pray for hours for forgiveness.

Then, one night, she froze to death on the grave and she was found the next morning. But has she found peace? Many believe that she has not and it is said that her spirit still haunts the national cemetery which is located near the fort. People claim to have seen an apparition of a young soldier there, pacing about and weeping loudly. Could it be that of Vivia Thomas?

Regardless, the story of this young woman touched the commanding officers at the fort. In the national cemetery stands a large circle called the Circle of Honor, which was set aside for soldiers who had distinguished themselves in service. Among the graves here is one stone that seems out of place. It simply reads "Vivia Thomas, January 7, 1870".

Fort Gibson is located just outside of Fort Gibson, Oklahoma in the eastern part of the state. It is a few miles northeast of Muskogee.

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midsummerreads-archive · 7 years

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Book Review: Windwitch by Susan Dennard

Sometimes our enemies are also our only allies…

After an explosion destroys his ship, the world believes Prince Merik, Windwitch, is dead. Scarred yet alive, Merik is determined to prove his sister’s treachery. Upon reaching the royal capital, crowded with refugees, he haunts the streets, fighting for the weak—which leads to whispers of a disfigured demigod, the Fury, who brings justice to the oppressed.

When the Bloodwitch Aeduan discovers a bounty on Iseult, he makes sure to be the first to find her—yet in a surprise twist, Iseult offers him a deal. She will return money stolen from him, if he locates Safi. Now they must work together to cross the Witchlands, while constantly wondering, who will betray whom first?

After a surprise attack and shipwreck, Safi and the Empress of Marstok barely escape with their lives. Alone in a land of pirates, every moment balances on a knife’s edge—especially when the pirates’ next move could unleash war upon the Witchlands.

In my review of Truthwitch, I gave the book some pretty high praise, “Dennard has created something beautiful,” being the top compliment I gave.

I honestly could not have imagined how the sequel, by separating my two favorite characters Safi & Iseult, could possibly live up to the absolute beautiful example of fierce female friendship in Truthwitch. Well, don’t mind me over here trying to stuff my narrow feet into my ridiculously loud mouth, because Dennard proved me wrong in spades. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted this book to be as good as it turned out to be, I was just scared it wouldn’t be! We all have those fears, right?

Anyway, let me get to the gushing. I 100% support re-reading Truthwitch before you start Windwitch. Why? Well, for me it had been over a year since I had completed Truthwitch then lent it to someone else, so I didn’t get a chance to renew my knowledge of everything that happened. I really think it would have saved me the slow start of remembering everything and would have enhanced my experience with Windwitch. So if possible, a re-read is definitely beneficial! *random side note over*

The narrative picks up with Merik, who is serving *fierce* back on the cover, the unlikely survivor of a burning ship and an assassination attempt. He spends the majority of the narrative struggling with his new reality as a “dead man,” (he names himself that, I promise, not a spoiler!) and trying to seek revenge on his would-be murder, while posturing a plan to save his beloved kingdom. He has gone through such a transformation from the first novel through this one, and it’s been such an organic development that I just am so excited to see how he continues to progress. This might be KIND OF spoilery, but if you are hoping for a *certain* reunion, like I was, it doesn’t happen YET. I’m not giving up hope.

While the first novel gave us the beginning of the Merik and Safi ship, this second novel really gave us more insight into the possible connections between Iseult and Aeduan. While Merik and Safi were a match on the verge of igniting, Iseult and Aeduan are the snow melting slowly on the tip of a mountain top, and it’s just as compelling. Their journey together throughout this book kept me on my toes and wanting more. I can only assume (and HOPE) that the third installment will continue this, since the title is Bloodwitch!

As strong as Iseult and Safi are together, I will say the one great thing about keeping them apart in this book was giving them both the chance to shine on their own. That being said, it was definitely the place for Safi to come into her own as an individual and powerful Truthwitch. Dennard did such a great job of keeping up with her fiery personality while allowing her to grow more mature. I honestly think Safi might be my favorite of the pair, but let’s be honest my favorite will be Safi and Iseult’s friendship.

Dennard continued the upbeat and pressing plot pace from the first novel, and I can only imagine with the introduction of a few new key characters (OWL! *so cute*) that the story will keep on being exciting.

HUGE props to Dennard for Cam and his storyline throughout this book. Seriously, way to give us feels with this secondary character and for including a transgender narrative. It is such a wonderful moment when the character’s preferred pronouns are accepted and used. In addition, does anyone else hardcore ship Vivia and Stix? I’m predicting some excellent fan fiction to come out of this pairing. (*hint* Don’t sell Vivia down the river Styx yet*—*cackles*)

This is by far one of the best sequels I’ve read in a long time! Order your copy of Windwitch, now. You won’t regret it!

4.5 Bards

Special thanks to Tor Teen for providing me with a review copy!

Book Review: Windwitch by Susan Dennard was originally published on A Midsummer Night's Read

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diatasair · 7 years

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The thing about veneration, Michael muses, is that it makes gods out of men, apathy out of faith, and demons out of gods.

(In which the path of the Shepherd is a lonely one, even with the company of demons and ghosts.)

Infallible Creatures (1/?)

He’s been a Shepherd for roughly two week, and he feels a lot like Lailah is taking the wheel. Which is just fine with him, honestly—after the mess in Ladylake, he feels like he’s regressed back four years straight into the uncertainties of being a newly made orphan. There are no steps, just missteps. When he feels her eyes at the back of his head, he knows that he’s made a mistake. It’s—it’s a bit much, the anxiety, but for the first time in years, Michael feels actual hope. For the rest of his life, mostly, but also for Muse, who sees and believes in the seraphim, too, and for some of the world. Michael isn’t sure he’s good enough to hope that this can bring salvation to all of Glenwood—but he’s willing to try.

Lailah had led him out of Ladylake almost immediately. After passing out on the Vivia Aqueduct entrance and waking up five days later, she was almost shadowed with worry as she helped him up—“I don’t know what they might do when they hear that you got out, Michael. Please, let’s leave for now.” And out of instinct he followed that, too—a kind family had been the one who took him in, despite the state of his being, and though he didn’t have any money to repay them, they had been generous enough to simply wave his apologies and tell him to go and stay safe, before any of the guards realize anything. The Lady of the Lake— hands clasped in front of her chest and lips brimming with an anxious smile—brushed back some of his bangs and told him that she believed that he might grow to be a good Shepherd.

He only nodded. He only knows the legend of the Shepherd, and he doesn’t exactly know what they actually do. Before this all, he would’ve imagined them to be heroic and good and kind. Now that he is officially the Shepherd, he’s sort of scared of falling short.

What sort of things will he face, that he’d have to be heroic?

Lailah told him about hellions, and Michael had managed to purify some, with Lailah’s guidance. He had never really held a weapon, before, much less use one, but they made it work, so far. It literally was simply a wooden staff, taken from a broken drying pole. Lailah’s amazing with her paper slips. It’s always been easy to be fascinated by fire—Michael read somewhere that apparently, if there is one thing that led mankind into the age of flourish, it was the understanding that fire is the kindling of life. It’s easy to see that when she purifies malevolence in a glimmer of spark, ethereal as it flickers in a thousand blinks of light. They walk back to his village, tracing the gentle curve of a stream and around the trees of the forest, steadily crawling away from the heart of Hyland.

She makes the campfires. Michael cooks, whenever he actually got to sit down and string together a makeshift trap. There are only so many games, here, but he takes what he can get. Most of the time, though, he just forages. Lailah still looks graceful as she eats fruits and berries. Most of the time, she looks like she wants to reach forward and wipe his mouth.

“Sorry,” he says between bites, slowing down as his cheeks assume a pale imitation of the wildberries he is eating. She laughs and points at a spot on her cheek, and he mirrors her to wipe away a stray drop of juice.

“You’re a growing boy,” she says. “You should sleep early, too. It’ll be a long day tomorrow.”

He does what he’s told. He supposes, the start of being a good Shepherd is not to disappoint your Prime Lord.

The next day, he finally meets his first human hellion.

“Lailah,” he calls out, and her warm hand is on his left shoulder, reassuring. “Is this—?”

“A human who became a hellion, yes,” she says. It’s hard not to hear the faltering in her voice, and he turns to look at her. Her expression turns serious again, though, and she nods at him. “You don’t have to purify her if you’re not ready. We shouldn’t push you when you’re not ready.”

But he sees a wolf, mostly, and it—no, she—looks frozen in place as she sees him, he thinks it’s probably his duty to try, at the very least. If anything, he wouldn’t want to be saddled with malevolence. Humans generate malevolence, but it doesn't always mean they want to—and Michael definitely would rather be purified.

“I want to give it a try,” he tells her, and rushes forward. Lailah’s words die out as a surprised noise, and then turns to clicks of heels on the ground.

The wolf hellion immediately swerves aside and let out a guttural growl, eyes flashing red. Michael stops and spins around, right as she leaps forward with jaws open, and he swings his staff and—

ILEFTHIMBEHINDTODIEIKILLEDHIMSERAPHIMKILLMEIKILLEDMYLITTLEBROTHERNOWHESGONEEVERYONEAREGOINGTO—

He's on the ground. Why is he on the ground? Something is caging him and he sees that it's those fire eyes, bloodshot with guilt, and her words froth—

“Free me,” she says, and her hands dig painfully into his shoulders, and, “I can't do this it hurts please I'm so terrified of myself I'm so sorry please just—”

And there's that insistent press of malevolence against his belly, as raw and human as desperation itself, and he's writhing and kicking and she's crying, crying on him, crying something red and crying something about her brother—

“Michael!”

A flash of fire, and the wolf girl is sobbing as she stumbles back to the forest, inhumane hiccups echoing in the empty spaces. Michael can still feel the almost beastly breath and saliva against the skin of his neck. His shoulders probably bruise. He feels empty to the stomach, somehow. Lailah kneels beside him and palms his cheek with one gentle hand and he feels a soft warmth suffused into his body, but somehow it passes over his chest and his belly and he feels better somewhat, but still far emptier than before. It's like the girl took something from him and slotted in her guilt in its place, and it's a sloppy, messy job with half of what used to be just in glops around him. He breathes out. Air feels empty.

“Humans who turn into hellions have baggages other hellions don't,” Lailah murmurs, other hand helping him stay up. “And a Shepherd, they—it's not as simple, with humans.”

Michael presses one hand flat on his stomach. “She wanted me to have her guilt.”

Lailah only brushes back his bangs, saying nothing in reply.

He flops right back to the ground, staring at the sky. They’ve only been walking for half a day and the sky is still bright, but he feels so, very tired. Michael wonders how long he’ll remember those bloodshot eyes.

“We can rest for the day,” Lailah says, soft as a comfort. He must look weird, lying in the middle of a dirt road, a pole in his hand, but he can’t even laugh at that mental image. He can feel Lailah’s worry in waves and he knows he should get up, but he can’t. “The first human hellion… it always hurts. Please don’t blame yourself, Michael. You’re still very young; it’s okay to not be able to purify them the first time around.”

The sky is bright.

“Please, let’s just rest for the rest of the day. Can you get up?”

They end up setting up camp early, though in the end, Lailah did almost all of it. She gathers and lit up the campfire and finds him some fruits and vegetables, cleans the former and cooks the latter for him. Parts of him feel pangs of guilt that she’s made to look after him as though he’s a child of five again, but the rest of him can’t really move—he feels kind of wilted, like something that’s been holding him up has snapped and left him just a sack of… things.

Night falls, and with it, the rest of his spirits.

The forest is not a quiet place at night, unlike what the books all say. There are more chaos here than the bustle of Ladylake, with insects stirring up a storm of sounds-- Michael’s used to them, after all this time, but now it feels like an itch, like something inside of his chest that he can’t scratch. He’s lost something he can’t replace. He just doesn’t know what.

“Does it always hurt this bad, Lailah?” Even his voice feels like dirt as it listlessly stumbles out, clumping like tired mud on the forest floor. Lailah looks up from her lap and sighs.

“...Yes.”

Michael exhales. “Thanks for being honest with me.”

It hurts, but not in a too terrible way. It’s like when they told him Dad is dead. It’s like when they told him Mother wasn’t going to leave the room with his new little sister in hand, but wrapped up in fabric instead. It hurts, but at least he’s not—he’s not stumbling around with like, hope, and then have it be fostered until it grows into a little sapling and have leaves peeking out only for it to be stomped until it’s just a hundred little pieces. It’s kind of like that. He still feels kind of empty, though.

“To purify humans, you have to have a reason to want to purify them that is stronger than their malevolence,” Lailah says, voice as gentle as the warmth of the flames. “But you’re young, Michael. You don’t have to find your answer now.”

Lailah gets up, graceful as the shadows of the forest, and sits down next to him. She’s warm in ways fire could never hope to be, and suddenly, he wants a hug—it’s been so long since he’s seen Muse, and she’s the only one he can ask those from, because she’s too young to really make fun of him or something. She never really understands why he asks them, other than that he had a bad day, but that’s somewhat better, too, compared to the alternative. She doesn’t really need to know the weight weighing down their family friends has on him, and she especially doesn’t need to know the weight of… this. She’s too young for that.

“What should I do, then?”

An arm wraps around his shoulders, and Michael throws himself into it. Her ornaments dig against his clavicle and he’s probably being too needy and this is his first human hellion but just, just—her other arm pulls him close and his cheek is on her shoulder, and she’s rubbing his back, pressing her fingers against the tense lines of his shoulderblades. He wants to say it—he wants to say things like, I’m twelve, why am I doing this? but also he’s here because she saved him, and she doesn’t deserve that. He’s twelve. He can handle this. He’s old enough to go on a trade trip. He’s old enough to do this.

“We go back to your village first,” she murmurs against his hair as she strokes it. “We talk out this entire Shepherd business with your adoptive family. Then, we do what you want, or travel the world. Does that sound good?”

He nods to the fabric of her clothes. “Mm. Okay.”

The wolf girl left behind her brother when they were running away from what she thought were wolves. Her brother is dead, now.

He tries not to think about Muse. Lailah is warm and reassuring, and she strokes his hair long into the night.

#fic actually #tales of zestiria #tales of zestiria spoilers #michael (toz)#lailah (toz)#infallible creatures #i'll post up a prev for arthurien bc all ive been spamming is michboy soon #but anyway yeah have my pet project i didnt think id post

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