#ugh today was a nightmare
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i need to figure out what the hell’s going on with my tags
#i need to write them all down#and figure out how they work bc i wanna default to ihb tags but i sorta didn't like them either#i hated tagging other peoples stuff as not mine LOL felt so rude#but now im not doing that it's like. what do i do?#anyway#ugh today was a nightmare#had a breakdown and cried in front of everybody at the coffee shop LOOOL#on campus#and then my old friend who i stopped being friends with bc of her [redacted] came up to help me and hug me and talk to my mom#it was so sweet. i told her we should meet up soon#im gonna text her when i go to bed#anyway bad day today but class online tomorrow so hopefully i can answer asks WOO HOO!!!!!#love to u all#thanks for bearing with my bad tagging#caitie blabs
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All it takes is a wee little nightmare to make you too scared to step foot outside for fear of Bad Things happening, like it’s an omen lol
#also it is p o u r i n g outside and it takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to commute to campus#i'm a good little student but sometimes i just can't be assed#esp with all the crazy stuff that's been happening on public transit and on my campus for that matter#i'm just getting a bad vibe today [insert empath meme here]#warning for me complaining about a graphic nightmare!!!!:#had a few stress dreams(?) last night but one particularly violent one in which a woman got run over by a streetcar--#--and the paramedics were moving people along but i accidentally got a really good look at her and it fucked me up#she looked like she was just sleeping peacefully but i could only really make out the top half of her body#probably because the bottom half was... yeah.#i think i also had another dream that i was being hunted by a sniper?? and they had called my cell and were threatening me + my folks?#and another one where i had to hide some children from... i don't really know what. some dangerous person who wanted to kill all of us#but the kids wouldn't leave me even though i begged them to.#yeah just a normal collection of dreams for me. literally ugh.#i don't even think i'm stressed in my life rn??#not any more than normal lol
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on another note...cannot figure out if im a monster fucker or not
#like sometimes im like all for it#other times im like eh#idk im just super picky about the scenario i guess#also when fics mention like slobbering all over you#i want to scream because slobber and saliva is like my worst nightmare#get it away from me#thats just me personally#i cant do it#anytime anyone gets it on me or near me i want to die#so when i read about a werewolf slobbering all over reader im like internally screaming and skipping to the next part#UGH IDK#i cant figure it out maybe im like an occasional monster fucker#okay now that im reading all of this back its making me laugh like#talkative today are we?#just shut the fuck up dude go back to your cave#vics thoughts
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#god fuck I don’t like the assault dreams#this one really surprised me I haven’t had a vivid nightmare in a hot minute#but I woke up naturally at 7 today so I guess I finally paid my sleep debt from august to now#so that tracks#I probably have a backlog of sleep processing to do from the family emergency et Al#but Jesus. that SUCKED. that sucked. that sucked#the dream ain’t real but the feelings and sensations are#brains are great at cooking things up ugh#shh katie
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why doesn't anybody talk about schrodinger's mental illness? seriously i think i'm onto something here
#nightmare.personal#i'm starting to think i'm over it like#i've been so happy lately and i'm having these weird nightmares about my family for no reason but like#i have FRIENDS and i'm taking CARE OF MYSELF and like i thought i looked super pretty today#but i am freaking out a bit about how nice this one friend of mine is being to me#which is so weird bc he'/s like the safest guy to be around ever but suddenly i feel insanely unsafe#hm. maybe i'll be fixed if i go to bed#ugh i have classes tmrw which are FINE classes but like. work. and then also therapy#and therapy's good just like. ugh. Ugh. maybe i'll talk to her about me hating my gf's mom's profession and my moral crisis#bc guys it's kind of awkward i really don't fuck with landlords but my gf's mom is um . Kind of one of those#anyway i think i'm better honestly like the klavier and dahlia stuff is starting to just feel like an inside joke#something earlier happened and i was like klav would like this. andi pictured him a bit in my brain as how he looked#and like. we laughed. but i don't think he was there at all#and the BPD stuff isn't happening like i've not mood swung at all lately i don't think#so maybe it was all in my head andi'm fine now? that could be it honestly like. i'm fine. which!#is weird and abrupt but hey i'm into it. y'know. whatever#it would kind of suck if it turns out i was perfectly fine i was just overthinking it but. hey#honestly whatever. people are fine i'm fine i'm safe and the nightmares are stupid#i need to see this guy anyway tmrw because i invited him along to grab breakfast with me and our mutual friend#we're like a trio so i figure it's fine. hopefully the dining hall isn't still on fire i need to fuck up that pomegranate acai drink so bad#it's SO good you guys. but like. idk. i feel happy like perfectly happy. like i don't think much is wrong#these weird feelings of dread and hovering on the edges of panic attacks sometimes but that's really it#ugh. i hope the lecture hall has good chairs#sorry i cannot focus on this i'm restless rn. i need. like. something#i think me and my GF might break up soon bc of the parents work and the sex thing but like.#someone lobotomize me i'm literally fine what's going ONNNN
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#I miss my girlfriend and my tummy hurts and I can’t sleep#and I don’t want to go to work tomorrow I really don’t I hate my job#I want to sleep but my brain won’t let me and in a way I’m relieved bc I had so many nightmares today#but I have to be up in like 6 hours and I need to be asleep now now now#ugh I hate this so much#my stuff
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The queue is running low, and I think I'm sick again, so the blog might go a little quiet this week!! I will adjust the queue from 15 posts to 5 posts, so I have some time before it runs out :3
#listen. i am having a mental illness moment. and now i am sick again. please forgive me for any strange blogging 😔#been having rough nightmares lately and ive been so triggered this week and UGH idk whats up. my brain feels like jello ._.#so yeah. queue is shrinking. i am in bed today. that is all.#batty blogging#text
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nooo i hope you feel better soon!! 💜
thanks anon 💞 I am feeling a lot better than I was on, say, Wednesday but I have completely lost my voice 🥲 fingers crossed I am normal by next week
#answered#anonymous#I also woke up at 4:30 today and couldn’t get back to sleep#too worried about a work thing#ugh I can’t even go to the yarn store 🥲 my worst nightmare#anyway you are very sweet ily 💜
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i can’t do this anymore man i just can’t 😭
#my car is really close to officially shitting itself!!!!!#legit could not fucking back out of my parking today and hit a dudes car that was in front of me!!!!!#freaked out cried like a bitch exchanged license and registration etc#then we put my car into neutral and pushed it and his car. popped the dent out like it was nothing#so hopefully he doesn’t escalate it. but oh my fucking god!!!!!!#i cant man i cant i need to get a car now#the shop wont fucking call me back OKAY#nightmare ugh ugh i’m still not calm over it
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I actually really fucking hate how anything in my schedule not going the way I initially Intended For It To just automatically makes me a massive fucking crybaby and or a raging bitch. Like dude. The grocery store does not hate me. It sucks that my schedule requires me to get there an hour earlier no matter what but like. They didn’t do that to me. Why am I always so upset whenever I have to change plans. I change plans too! I’m a living person!!! Why am I so fucking upset about this!!!!!!
#personal#im gonna delete this later I’m just venting#I’m also fine I’m just having a rough day and I can’t figure out why my emotions have been so fucking volatile. It’s so frustrating that#I can’t figure out how to get a handle on my emotions. I know I need to feel things but the problem is if I let myself feel them too much#Then I’m going to spiral or lash out at some random bystander and both of these make the initial feeling worse#I just can’t pull myself out of that quickly enough recently. It’s not an issue of ability bc I can. I just can’t do it.#wait that’s contradictory. I’ve been really struggling too recently. There we go. There’s accuracy.#Either way. Didn’t I spend all year in therapy last year trying to get this shit together? What the fuck.#Why is it the second I show a modicum of progress I immediately hit a single pebble on the road and get sent ass over teakettle#Progress isn’t linear but it also sure as hell isn’t meant to be a time loop. That I’m pretty sure of.#God everything’s just been so difficult this year. Shit that used to be almost instinctual to me now is a nightmare.#Maybe it’s growing pains and I guess that’s valid but how long do I have to have them#The good news is that thus far I have not snapped at anyone so at least right now we don’t have any casualties of my bad attitude#I feel so bad being so worried about that but like seriously no one needs me to be snapping at them. Even if I feel catharsis in the moment#We all feel bad immediately afterwards#It’s literally not even been a bad day today. I cannot emphasize how this has been the only problem today. Literally so much good happened#Ugh#dont look at me
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oh my god i can’t decide what to do with my time today
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#video stuff#it’s Sunday so i need to log into Genshin and do my weeklies and i also need to grind for primos to yoink Yelan’s C1 before Tuesday#but i also need to record that so it’ll have to be done later once the house is quiet but i also need to record Lyney’s story quest but#then i also want to record Kaeya’s hangout but i also need to see what events are ending soon but i also need to do other non game stuff#like i need to finish going thru my backlog of likes on here and i need to answer asks and i need to work on drafted posts#and i have GOT to start working on ES Ch.4 to get that up by my self-imposed deadline soon but i’m recording that so i can only work on it#early in the mornings or late in the evenings but i also wanna finish this one-shot i’m working on for Dew and get it up on here soon#and that’s easier cause i’m not recording it but if i work on it today that’s not the best use of my time when it’s SUNDAY so it’s GENSHIN#DAY but i don’t FEEL like playing genshin rn i wanna WRITE ugh#but i’ve also got Ao3 comments awaiting a reply and i need to get a few things updated over there and i wanna work on This Is Unconditional#but i don’t have the TIME for that right now and i’ve got a bunch of messages that need replying to and a many hours of videos to edit#and i slept bad bc Nightmares so i just wanna eat and take a nap but that’s such a waste of time and uuuuugh idk man#So Many Creative Endeavors So Little Time#*collapses onto the floor in a frustrated heap*#okay. deep breath. i think. i’m gonna go work on banging out the rest of Hold On to Something bc that’s nearly fully written anyways#and i am Dying to get it out of my system bc Ghost Band fixation u know#i at least wanna get the draft done. i’ll edit/post it another day#then i’ll probably hop on genshin for a bit and do the bare minimum (i only need like 15 more pulls worth so even if i don’t grind and have#to swipe its nbd) and then i’ll hopefully be able to record the first writing session for ES ch.4 later this evening!!!#‘cause good god i wanna get that fic back into production. i miss working on it it’s just so hard to get started again#okay enough rambling. gonna go make Bullet’s lunch and get myself some lemonade. then i shall work
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#god. ok. so i should really b reading papers rn but my lab mate called me needy today and it just keeps cycling in my head#like ive spent way too much time around him bc of field work and the thing abt me is that i just say whatever tf is in my brain so hes#basically been exposed to a scattershot of anxious thoughts in my head idk wtf he must think of me but today he said#the more i learn abt u the more i realize ur needy in these v specific ways#and i think it bothers me a lot bc needy isnt the right word. im not needy. i dont plead for help. im just a semi non functional person.#i just lay here not dealing with all these problems i have. but i generally try just make it my own problem. im just a bit pathetic like#that. do i need help? maybe but im not like needy. im just semi nonfunctional and rather compulsive and controling over myself. i live in a#world full of invisible walls as dictated by my stupid brain. but its all internal control i can put up with a lot as long as i have ctrl#over myself. its not especially healthy but it makes me pretty easy going i suppose. ugh! needy! he obviously hit a nerve how annoying#whatever im exhausted bc i had to b a scribe all day and i had a phd meeting this morning. the project sounds v cool and apparently im the#most qualified person to approach them so far but idk itll be v competitive and do i really want a uk phd? idk idk#at least this guy conducted it like an actual interview. i was like fuck finally some structure! and he said i talk well lol thanks dude#so he thinks id do ok getting grilled by a pannel. idk i kinda wanna apply just to see how far id get into the process#unrelated#i was also having harrowing nightmares last night abt climbing mt everest. at least i got 8hrs sleep lol fml i leave for sampling again#tomorrow afternoon. this is what i get for trying to have even a tiny bit of a social life rip
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why am i a human with responsibilities when i was just meant to be on my knees worshipping hot people with my mouth???
#guys i’m so sorry today is going to be a nightmare#soz for being annoying#but like UGH why am i not on my knees for a hot woman or man rn lemme keep my mouth busy and make you feel good
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*has horrifying dream* okay well maybe if I just fall back asleep I’ll forget about it
*has another equally horrifying dream*
#ARGH#ARRRRRGH#needless to say sleep wasn’t so great last night#fortunately I’ve only got a few things I need to do today#ugh I HATE nightmares I hate them I hate them#if it were just faceless horror or whatever it’d be better then what I get#uuuuuugh#delete later
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I'm really hoping something changes these next few weeks because today made me seriously consider whether I can cam actually do this very specific job I was hired for. the general stuff is coming to me, but the speciality I was hired for is incredibly difficult and high-pressure, and I learn so slowly, and I don't want to be in a situation where I put anyone at risk because of my clumsiness or mistakes. thinking optimistically, I still have another 11 weeks of training with someone, but I'm over halfway through the main training program and I'm really nervous. I'd rather stick with small-scale stuff....plastics...I liked plastics
#face plastered to the window eyes like this 🥺#please let me back into plastics I did sooo good that first time#I like yellow too but so does everyone. no chance getting in there#why do my cohorts love cardiac so much this is a nightmare#ugh. it was one bad day. cant ruin the entire service line#I'll be with someone better next time#that lady today smacked my hand. wtf lady#I hadn't even done anything wrong yey#in fact I KNEW we had to get more shods. I was pre#I literally asked and she said no then the guy asked for them RIGHT after#not saying I would have done better alone I just wish she was one of ours#cor.txt
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cringe btw. fail a little bit as well
#purrs#not really happy with how i showed up and navigated situations and circumstances today. i think i was not as kind or respectful as i could h#have been. and there’s nothing i can do but live with it and try to do better tomorrow. but this shit is so fucking hard and horrible. this#is not what i thought i was signing up for. this is not how i thought this month would go. and i know it’s normal and natural and whatever f#for like. every aspect of this process to be happening (and yet also cringe and stupid etc) but i just wish it wasn’t happening. i don’t#want to be responsible for planing your fucking goodbye gift i want you to stay. i don’t want to fucking go on a walk with you (i mean i#quite literally do LOL but) i want to keep yearning for i and working towards asking for it naturally and not in wretched circumstances. i#don’t want to have responsibility for all the tasks and people coming into the office and giving me knowing and pitying looks and asking how#this is going and meaning both me starting something and you leaving i want the whole you leaving part to just not even be a thing. i know I#it could be worse i know it’s fucking stupid to be addressing my literal actual supervisor as ‘you’ in the tags of a tumblr post she will#never read but it’s like fucking hell. i care about you so much. this has been a nightmare and i want it to be over but it won’t be ever. an#and i have to live with this somehow and i know it will feel better but for now im just fumbling through it and hurting and suffering and it#like doesn’t even matter. idk. the timing just hurts. it really does. as does the whole thing. idk when i’ll stop being hurt but i am hurt#delete later#i think i said this but i literally have to get assigned a fucking ‘cultural contact’ bc she’s leaving and can’t guide me thru this like i#always dreamed she would. the literal actual slap in the face of it.my heart hurts lol#it’s not just work also. like i know i am a freak about work on the dash but it really is not just work. or it is but it’s like. idk. ugh i#feel so trapped in this i fucking hate it and everyone is gonna tell her / me / us / whatever that this is good and normal and expected and#we’ll be okay etc but it’s NOT. it WON’T. we’re family or something like that and she’s leaving it and me and * are sobbing and * is like ha#having to be strong for us bc both of us are mentally ill wrecks over it and i know he is too and it’s killing me and meanwhile * just fucks#off across the country and we only see her TWO more times???? are you kidding me? LOL! like you just leave? lolllllll. after everythinggggg!#which she’s entitled to do. but it’s like. i thought we all understood… but apparently we weren’t on the same page. and now we’re here. LOL#anyway i am not being any less cringe or fail by continuing to post about this to redacted number of ppl but idk how else to cope. gn lawl#one more thing my heart hurts sooooooo bad. like physically. that is just sick in the head. wtf
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